How I Lived In Equestria

“See, Twilight?” Pinkie raised an eyebrow. “I told you I could set up a baby shower!”

“...I gotta admit, Pinkie, at first I had my doubts…” Twilight thought aloud. “But you actually pulled it off!”

“What’s the big deal with baby showers, anyway?” Dash cocked her head to the side. “Aren’t they a waste of time?”

Twilight shook her head. “On the contrary, Rainbow, it’s a normal tradition wherein the pregnant mare’s friends and family all join together to celebrate the foal being born soon!”

“So it’s basically just a reminder that in a few months, we’ll both be suffering from hormones, contractions, and everything that comes with actually giving birth?”

“Personally, I don’t see it that way.” Jorge slowly flew down onto the ground, having just finished putting up one of the banners for the baby shower. “Because during said parties, the aforementioned friends and family usually bring gifts specifically for the foal.” He paused for a moment, rethinking his statement. “...At least, in my world, anyway…”

“That’s a thing here, too…” Twilight commented.

Jorge looked over to the alicorn mare, realizing something seemingly different about her. “Say… For once, you’re not in a hormonal rage…”

“I’m in a good mood, Jorge.” Twilight deadpanned. “Don’t push it.”

Jorge simply narrowed his eyes, pretending he hadn’t heard Twilight’s “threat”.

“While that sounds cool and all…” Dash chimed back in. “It’s still just a reminder of all the trouble we’ll be going through…”

Jorge shrugged. “If you keep stressing yourself like that, maybe you will have a hard time giving birth.”

“I guess…” Dash shrugged back, softly rubbing one of her forelegs with her other foreleg.

“Now, this usually isn’t part of the normal tradition and all…” Twilight spoke up. “But I think it’d be best to keep the baby shower mares only.”

“HA!” Dash scoffed. “That’s not gonna happen.”

“What do you mean?” Twilight tilted her head to the side.

“You may be fine completely throwing your husband out of your own baby shower.” Dash wrapped a wing around her husband, whom was standing next to her. “But I’m not leaving mine behind.”

“Why?” Twilight raised an eyebrow.

“I neeeeeeed him!” Dash immediately climbed up on top of her husband’s back, wrapping her hooves around his waist. “I don’t feel as comfortable as I normally do without him!”

“But...”

“No buts!” Dash interrupted loudly, but not loud enough to destroy her husband’s ears as she continued to lay on top of him. “Jorge comes with me. End of discussion.”

“B-But—!”

“As much as I don’t want to get in the middle, you clearly don’t realise that once Dash has her mind set on something, there’s no changing her mind.” Jorge shook his head. “I had to learn that the hard way… Multiple times…”

“Hey!” Dash gently slapped the top of her husband’s head with a wing. “I’m still here, y’know!”

“Ugh.” Twilight groaned. “Fine, you can bring Jorge…”

“Yes!” Dash squeed, tightening her grip on her cuban.

“Mares only…” Shining scoffed. “Jorge’s there. Since when was he a mare?”

“I think Dash argued with Twilight about letting Jorge come, or something.” Shadow shrugged. “Hell if I care, what am I gonna do at a party where the majority of the guests are all mares talking about mare things?”

“True…” Shining nodded softly. “So, what do we do until their party’s over?”

Shadow paused for a moment. “Shit. I didn’t plan that far…”

“Good job…” Shining rolled his eyes.

“Oh yeah?” Shadow raised an eyebrow. “And what do you have in mind, hm?”

“Lots of things!” Shining scoffed. “I’m chock full of ideas!”

“Such as?”

Shining blinked. “Uh…” He placed a hoof on his chin. “Uh…”

“Exactly.” Shadow chuckled.

“Actually…!” A lightbulb lit up in Shining’s head. “I remember hearing from a few guards about this supposedly ‘really cool bar’ not far from Ponyville…”

“Oh?” Shadow cocked his head to the side.

“Yeah.” Shining nodded. “I mean, I’m not one hundred percent sure where exactly it is. But, I have a basic idea…”

Shadow shrugged. “Lead the way.”

As they finally made it past the outskirts of Ponyville, Shining and Shadow had finally arrived in front of the bar.

“Geez…” Shadow groaned. “I thought it was on the other side of town. Not out of town…”

“Relax…” Shining shrugged it off. “It may have took us a while to find it, but we did!”

“I guess…” Shadow scratched the back of his head, eyeing the bar. He pointed at the bar’s logo that was placed above the doors. “...Why are they flashing all the different colors of the rainbow?”

“It’s probably just a decoration thing.” Shining shrugged. “It’s no big deal.”

“If you say so…”

As the two stallions walked into the bar, they noticed that things like the bar stools and table tops were colored in a similar fashion to the sign they saw outside. The furniture spread around to room was similarly colorful, and mostly looked plush, as well as a few beanbag chairs scattered around, which seemed to be an odd choice of furniture for a bar. Beyond the colorful interior and questionable furniture, the bar didn’t seem very extraordinary, but it seemed it could fit the description of ‘a really cool bar’.

The two simply stood still, taking in the entire scene they had been bestowed upon.

“Looks pretty interesting, wouldn’t you say, Shadow?” Shining nudged his brother-in-law.

Shadow kept a sharp eye, analysing the entire bar. While he hadn’t found much out of the ordinary, there was only one thing that stuck out as strange.

“Uh…” Shadow nudged Shining back. “Why is there a stallion over there… pole dancing?”

Shining looked over at the stallion, and shrugged. “Dunno.”

Shadow narrowed his eyes, checking around for anything else out of the ordinary.

In an instant, Shadow widened his eyes, pointing off into the distance. “Wait a minute… Is that... Discord!?”

Shining’s eyes shot wide open, looking at the draconequus his brother-in-law called out. “Sweet mother of Celestia… It really is Discord!”

Upon hearing his name twice, Discord looked over to the entrance of the bar, noticing the two stallions standing there, pointing at him.

In an instant, he appeared directly in front of them. “Shining Armor! What a surprise to see you here!” He looked over to the canadian. “And ‘worst nightmare’! What’re you two doing here?”

“You still remember that? You son of a bi—”

“Of course I remember!” Discord interrupted. “How could I forget the name of the cuban’s best friend?”

“That’s not my name th—”

“I’m fully aware of that, Shadow.” Discord crossed his claw and paw together. “If only you were a hedgehog, then I would be able to effectively use this other joke I had in mind.”

“I’ve probably heard it before…” Shadow rolled his eyes.

“I’ve got a better question…” Shining cut in. “What are you doing here, Discord?”

“Oh.” Discord chuckled. “I’m merely here to… How did Ishtaba put it…” He placed a thinking claw on his chin. “‘Shitpost’ you two.”

“Great.” Shadow nodded sarcastically. “As if I didn’t get enough from the asian himself.”

“...What’s ‘shitpost’ mean?” Shining raised an eyebrow.

“Anyway.” Discord clapped his paw and claw together. “Are you two gentlecolts fully aware of where you are?”

“A bar?” Shadow raised an eyebrow.

“On the contrary…” Discord clenched his paw closed, similar to a human hand, but leaving one finger sticking out, and swaying it side to side. “This bar is special.”

“Special how?” Shining cocked his head to the side.

“The kind of special where only colthuggers and fillyfoolers visit.”

Shining’s face turned blank, trying as hard as he could not to overreact as he finally realized where he had just brought his brother-in-law to.

“Uh…” Shining uttered, trying to remain as monotone as he could. “Now that I look at it again… It makes a lot of sense…”

Shadow, however, was still out of the loop, and tilted his head in confusion. “What makes a lot of sense?”

“Right…” Discord nodded in realization. “You’re not entirely familiar with these pony terms, are you?”

“Er…” Shadow narrowed his eyes. “No…?”

“Hm…” Discord placed a thinking paw on his chin. “What does your world call this again…?” In a matter of seconds, Discord snapped his ‘fingers’ as he remembered. “A ‘gay bar’.”

“SHINING BROUGHT ME TO A GAY BAR!?” Shadow shouted, panicking in fear as the realization had finally sat in his head.

“Haaaaaaaaay~!” Called out overly feminine figure from behind the bar. Stepping out from behind the bar, Shadow realized it was a stallion, wearing a rainbow wig, which looked eerily similar to Rainbow Dash’s mane. “What can a get you, big boys?” The stallion smiled brightly.

Shadow blinked as he saw the stallion in front of him. He looked over at Shining with the biggest deadpan he could muster. “Shining…?”

Shining looked back at his brother-in-law. “Yeah...?”

“WHY THE FUCK DID YOU BRING ME INTO A GAY BAR!?” He slapped Shining’s face with a wing.

“I DIDN’T KNOW IT WAS A GAY BAR!” Shining shouted. “I ONLY HEARD ABOUT IT!”

“DID YOU NOT HEAR THE PART THAT IT WAS A GAY BAR!?”

“Is… something wrong?” The rainbow wig wearing stallion raised an eyebrow.

Shadow blinked, looking back over to the stallion in front of them, immediately recognizing the wig. “Say…” He raised an eyebrow. “That looks a lot like Rainbow Dash’s mane…”

The stallion looked up at the wig. “Oh!” a smile suddenly grew on the stallion’s face. “I’m so glad you noticed! It is a part of our uniform, though. So not many ponies point it out here.”

“No, but… seriously…” Shadow narrowed his eyes. “Why does that look like Rainbow Dash’s mane?”

“Isn’t it obvious?”

“You’re asking me that question? After I just realized I’m standing in a gay bar?”

The stallion’s smile shrunk a bit, realizing what Shadow had meant by that. “Well. It’s because it’s a recreation of the Rainbow Dash’s mane.”

“But why?”

“Oh.” The stallion blinked. “It’s mostly because of the founder of this fabulous place took such inspiration for such a famous celebrity like her to proudly show off her true colors!”

Shadow paused for a moment. Letting that statement sink into his head as he tried to process what he had just heard.

“...Are you implying that Rainbow’s a... ‘fillyfooler’?” Shadow raised an eyebrow.

“She’s not?” The stallion raised an eyebrow, gawking in shock.

“As far as I remember…” Shadow placed a hoof on his chin. “No. She’s actually one hundred percent straight. And married.”

“Huh…” The stallion blinked. “Then she must really be supportiv—”

“That’s her natural mane…”

“It’s…” The stallion paused for a second, taking in Shadow’s words. “What?”

“Yeah.” Shadow deadpanned. “That mane of hers? That’s not something she dyed… That shit would’ve been hell to maintain… That’s something she was born with.”

“But…” The stallion’s eyes began to water. “S-She was my inspiration to come out…”

“W-Well… I mean…” Shadow quickly tried to prevent a large scene from being created. “You guys still have the whole ‘rainbow’ thing going for ya… Rainbow Dash was kinda just a coincidence for you guys...”

All the while, Shining and Discord simply stood still, watching this scene take place before them, speechless.

“B-But…” The stallion sniffled. “If she’s so straight… Then who exactly did she get married to?”

“Oh. No one hugely famous, or anything…” Shadow scoffed. “Unless you count J— wait… what did he first call himself? Riiiight. Godson, the first human in Equestria. As not hugely famous…”

“HIM!?” The stallion shrieked in horror. “But he’s so…”

Discord immediately knew what to say next. “Retar—”

“Retarded!”

“Fine…” Discord crossed his claw and paw together. “Interrupt me as I say things… Not like I care…”

Shadow quickly came to his friend’s defence. “Well, I wouldn’t say he’s retar—”

“The price is rice.”

“Oh…” Shining blinked. “He knows about the price is rice…”

“I’m pretty sure everypony is aware of the price is rice…” The stallion deadpanned. “What I want to know is how, like, some… thing like him got hitched to someone like her?”

“An insanely huge amount of random luck, and turning into a pony.”

The stallion blinked. “He did what now?”

“He asked Princess Twilight, his friend, for a favor.” Shadow explained. “Though, I will add that Jorge isn’t as retarded as he used to act.”

“He acted retarded?” The stallion blinked. “On purpose?”

Shadow nodded.

“But why?”

“Because he thought it’d be funny for a while.” Shadow shrugged. “I dunno. Ask him yourself.”

“Pfft.” The stallion scoffed. “Please, as if I could even come face to face with him. He’s just as big of a celebrity as Rainbow I—”

“Can I just stop you right there? I mean... you’re talking to two princes right now…” Shadow reiterated. “If anything, we’re bigger celebrities than they are.”

The stallion blinked for a moment, eyeing the two stallions thoroughly.

“OH MY GOSH!” The stallion shouted. “SHINING ARMOR AND SHADOW!! I CAN’T BELIEVE I DIDN’T NOTICE IT AT FIRST!”

Shadow rolled his eyes.

“Omigosh, Wait!” The stallion paused for a second. “Does this mean you two, like, know them?”

“Listen to this guy…” Shining nudged Shadow softly. “Do we know Rainbow Dash and Jorge?”

“Heh…” Shadow chuckled. “Funny that you should ask… Because I just so happen to be Jorge’s best friend…”

“Seriously. Do you not watch the news anymore, or something?” Discord bluntly cut in.

“Really? I didn’t know you guys had such a close connection to them!” The stallion beamed. “I mean, I know Princess Twilight is, like, Shining’s sister and all, but like, I didn’t think you guys were so close with everyone else!”

“Nah… We’re only just friends with Shining’s sister’s friends… That’s all…”

“Oh…” The stallion blinked. “Duh. That makes perfect sense…”

Shadow waited for a moment for anyone else to say anything. Only for a lightbulb to go off in his head.

“Tell you what… er…” Shadow blinked, realizing the stallion never mentioned his name. “What’s your name again?”

“Glitter Rain”

“Right. Glitter Rain... Tell you what, what if I told you I could get you a chance to actually meet Rainbow Dash?”

“REALLY?!” Glitter bounced up and down like a little filly. “THAT WOULD BE, LIKE, SOOOOO AMAZING!”

“Mhm.” Shadow nodded. “Hell. I bet I know a guy who would love to visit this place…”

Jorge opened the door to Twilight’s castle, preparing the exit for him and his wife to easily navigate through, only to find a brown stallion wearing a rainbow mane in front of him.

“Uh…” Jorge raised an eyebrow. “...May I help you?”

Glitter narrowed his eyes, recognizing the voice. “Aren’t you… that ‘first human in Equestria’ dude?”

“Uh... Yeah.” Jorge blinked. “I mean… I’m pretty sure no one really pays much attention to me, but, uh—”

“Huh… You look weird as a pony…”

“I’ve been a pony for about eight months now… And it’s only until now someone outside of my friends makes a comment about it?”

“Well, that, and the price is rice was dumb.”

Jorge’s eyes widened, having been completely caught off guard. “The what was what now?”

“You don’t remember that ‘price is rice’ thing you did, like, a few years ago?”

“You mean that thing I did in Canterlot when Celestia did that thing to introduce humans to Equestria?”

“Yeah! That!”

“Oh. Yeah. Of course it was dumb.” Jorge nodded. “I didn’t feel like participating in that event, so I kinda just decided to do something stupid to be more entertaining since I was forced to do it.”

“Oh…” Glitter uttered, finding a way to change the subject quickly. “Well… Uh… Is Rainbow Dash here?”

“Er… Yeah.” Jorge nodded. “We were about to head back home after we grabbed all our presents from the baby shower we just had…”

“I se—Baby shower?” Glitter’s eyes shot wide open. “Rainbow Dash is pregnant!?”

“Yeah…” Jorge blinked. “Do you… y’know, not watch the news? I’m pretty sure this kind of thing was on newspapers and stuff…”

“Do you two know the gender yet!?” Glitter gawked in awe.

“Is it cool if I don’t answer that?” Jorge raised an eyebrow. “‘Kay? ‘Kay. I’m just gonna go grab my wife and head back home, now...”

“W-Wait!” Glitter interrupted. “Do you think I could meet her?”

“Dash?”

“Yeah!”

Jorge paused for a moment, looking once more at the rainbow wig, realizing how closed it resembled his wife’s own mane.

“Uh…” He uttered. “I mean, I was about to go grab her and leave, but if you wanna meet her real quick… I could just ask her to come here real quick...”

“Please?” Glitter looked at him with a fangirl-ish smile. “That would, like, make my day!”

Jorge simply turned around, keeping a blank face, and walking over to his wife, who was still talking to her friends a few rooms away.

“So, Jorge and I went for a checkup a few days ago… And we found out what the foal’s gonna be!”

“Dash?”

“Hm?” Dash raised an eyebrow, turning her head to face her husband. “Heya! You’re just in time for the big announcement!”

“As much as I don’t want to interrupt this huge moment…” Jorge scratched the back of his head. “There’s another one of your crazy fans by the door.”

“Define ‘crazy fan’...”

“He’s wearing a wig that looks just like your mane.”

“Oh geez… Not another one…”