How I Lived In Equestria

“Screw you, Twilight. I didn’t want to get dragged back to Canterlot after just leaving it like… yesterday.” Godson groaned.

“Yeah, well. You were the one who decided to be a ninja during your nearly five months in Equestria.” Twilight groaned back.

“What’s that gotta do with anything?” Godson crossed his arms.

“Celestia wants to hold some sort of announcement or something declaring you’re not some sort of monster wanting to destroy all of Equestria, or something…”

“Well…”

“Godson…”

“Fine…”

“Look.” Twilight sighed. “All we gotta do is go in, Celestia does her big announcement, and then we leave. Does that sound so hard?”

“Yes.” Godson nodded. “Very much so.”

Twilight deadpanned at the human, unamused with his response. “Too bad. You’re going anyway.”

“But I don’t wannaaaaaaa!”

Twilight rolled her eyes, her horn aglow as she immediately covered him in her magic aura.

“Too bad!”

In an instant, Twilight casted a spell onto the human, completely rendering him unconscious.

“...Was that necessary?” Dash raised an eyebrow.

“He was being annoying… What do you expect me to do, deal with it?” Twilight raised an eyebrow as well.

“I’ve gotten used to it.”

“So… what is it?”

“This… is the human I pulled from his home…”

“Wait, why did you do that?”

“It’s a long story, Cadance…” Twilight shrugged. “At this point it’s not even worth explaining…”

“Could you shorten it for me?” Cadance asked curiously. “I just wanna have an idea of what happened…”

“Well. Basically, he’s capable of doing stupid things.”

“On a scale of one to ten, how stupid are these stupid things?”

“Uh… They range from 7 to 12.”

“I see…”

Godson groaned softly, raising his head as he scratched the top of it. His vision, while blurred, revealed two blobs staring at him, a purple one, and a pink one.

“Annnnd there he is.” Twilight chuckled softly. “I thought he would of woke up sooner... I didn’t even hit him with the spell that hard.”

Godson raised an eyebrow, looking around his surroundings as his vision began to clear up. Eventually, he began to realize how uncomfortable he was. He looked down to see what excuse of a bed they dumped him in, only to find out it wasn’t even a bed.

He was laying on a wheelbarrow of bananas.

“Can someone explain why I was unconscious on a wheelbarrow of bananas?’ He asked as he raised an eyebrow.

“Oh.” Twilight blinked. “That was Celestia’s idea.”

“Of course it was.” Godson narrowed his eyes in disappointment. “I’m not even gonna bother arguing about it…”

“So you’re the infamous ‘beast’ I’ve been told about this past week.” Cadance thought aloud.

“This ‘beast’ has a friggin’ name.” Godson rolled his eyes, moving around in an attempt to get out of the wheelbarrow.

“Yeah. Twilight told me already.” Cadance nodded, watching as the human eventually fell off the wheelbarrow, tipping it over onto him, piling him in bananas and the wheelbarrow itself. “Uh… Nice to meet you?”

Godson simply waited for Twilight to levitate the heavy wheelbarrow off of him, and stood up once she finally took the hint and did so. “So, judging from your pink… everything… I assume you must be Princess Cadance?”

“Gee, what gave you that idea?” Twilight rolled her eyes.

“You act as if I know everything.” Godson immediately huffed, but then quickly thought about his sentence, which contradicted all of his previous arguments with Twilight. “...Right.”

Cadance eyed the two, trying to understand what they were talking about. “Do I even want to know…?”

Both of them eyed the tall alicorn. “No, you don’t.” They both said in unison.

Cadance blinked, quickly shaking her head as she tried to think of a subject to talk about with the human. “So… Godson…”

“‘Sup?”

“Are you planning on dating anypony anytime soon?”

“Uh.” Godson scratched the back of his neck. “I… I’m already dating somepony.”

“Oh?” Cadance raised an eyebrow. “Nopony told me this during my week here in Canterlot…”

Godson shrugged. “I guess it’s hard for everyone to accept right now?” He shook his head. “I don’t really know.”

“Well, who’s that...uh...lucky somepony then?” Asked a curious Cadance. “Now you have me curious…”

“You’re also very nosey.” Godson huffed. “Already asking about my personal relationships 30 seconds after you met me.”

“Well, she is the Princess of Love.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “Of course she’d ask about these kinds of things.”

“Yeah. Well. I have these things called personal boundaries.” Godson crossed his arms. “And Princess or not, there’s only one mare who’s allowed to ignore those boundaries.”

“And I assume that one mare is your—”

“Yes that one mare is my marefriend.” Godson grumbled. “Geez…”

“Do I know who she is?” Cadance continued her curious pursuit. “See, now I have to know!”

“I… think you’ve met her before...” Godson scratched the back of his head. “I’m not entirely sure…”

“Does she happen to be one of Twilight’s friends?” Cadance asked, wondering if she was getting any closer.

“Y’know, as much as I’d love to continue playing ‘20 Questions’ with you…” Godson cut off Cadance’s pursuit. “I feel like I have better things I could be doing.”

Cadance raised an eyebrow as she watched the human began walking away. “Well. Can I at least ask one more thing?”

Godson stopped in place, and turned his head back. “Shoot.”

“Am I prettier than her?”

Godson narrowed his eyes as the question. “Hm. Let me think about it…” He paused for a moment, building up suspense for Cadance’s question. “No.”

Cadance’s eyes widened as the human left the room. She looked over to Twilight, who simply gawked in shock.

“Do you know who it is?” She asked.

“Yeah.” Twilight nodded slowly. “But I think it’d be better if you heard it from him instead of me.”

As the two were talking, they noticed the human walking back into the room, up to the pile of bananas on the floor, and then proceeded to grab several bananas from the pile, and even go as far as stuff a few into his pocket.

The two alicorns blinked, and the human eventually looked up at the two.

“What?” He spoke. “I may need these later…”

The two alicorns simply remained speechless as he proceeded to stuff a few more into his pocket, and then leave the room.

“...What just happened?” Cadance asked.

“I have a feeling we’re about to witness one of Godson’s dumb moments…”

“Fillies and Gentlecolts!” Celestia spoke loudly. “I am proud to announce that we have a new citizen with us here in Equestria!”

The ponies in the audience several feet below her instantly began their murmuring and their talk, filling the whole area with the constant sound of voices.

“Few of you may have already seen him, and others may have not even heard of his presence in Equestria.” Celestia added. “However, I would like everypony to know, that this new creature means no harm to any of us.”

The audience’s chatter slowly began dying down as Celestia continued her speech.

“This creature has no access to any kind of magic whatsoever. He cannot fly, he cannot cast spells, and while he could have skills that earth ponies have, it would require him thrice as much work to successfully do so.” Celestia explained. “So I would like you all to keep that in mind in case of any event that happens involving him.”

Half of the audience began whispering conversations to each other, while the other half slowly began raising their eyebrows.

“So, without further ado…” Celestia began. “I now present to you… Our first Human in Equestria… Godson!”

The curtains below her open, revealing the aforementioned human casually standing in the center of the stage, his arms crossed as he waited for the curtains to open in the first place.

“Oh.” The human blinked, quickly putting his arms down. “I guess that’s my cue…”

The ponies simply stayed silent, waiting for the human to do something to introduce himself.

Godson paused for a moment, thinking of all the right words to say. Eventually, the best idea came into his mind. “Today! On The Price is Rice!” He began his speech, his voice trying to sound as close to one of those game show hosts. “I’m your host… Godson!”

Everyone immediately raised eyebrows, watching as the human continued his act.

“And today, many of you lucky ponies will get a chance to win…” Godson dug into his pockets, and pulled out multiple bananas. “BANANAS!”

The entirely audience was immediately filled with questioning and concerned voices as the human continued to casually hold the bananas in his hands.

Meanwhile, up above on Celestia’s balcony, Twilight’s hoof met her face as she watched the human continue his stupid act.

“Twilight?” Cadance nudged the unamused alicorn. “Remind me again… He said he was currently dating somepony?”

“Yeah.”

“Is he usually this stupid?”

“Yeah.”

“...Who would find any love towards him?” Cadance gawked in shock.

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you…” Twilight sighed, looking over to Celestia and Luna.

Luna simply shook her head in disappointment, having been reminded of his prank with Celestia merely a week ago.

Celestia, on the other hand, simply covered her face in her wing, hiding her immense laughter.

It wasn’t until one of the ponies actually spoke up to the human in which all of the princesses reactions meant nothing until this point.

“Excuse me.” A stallion spoke. “How does one win one of those bananas?” Others in the audience glared at the stallion, but he payed no mind to them. “I haven’t had lunch yet, so I’m actually quite hungry…”

“I’m glad you asked!” Godson smiled. “Because you, my good sir, have just won one of these majestic bananas!”

“Really!?” The stallion beamed.

“Yes!” Godson shouted, reaching his arm back with the set of bananas, and throwing one at the stallion.

Unfortunately for the both of them, the banana landed right in the stallion’s face.

The stallion looked down at the banana as it fell to the floor, he simply shrugged, grabbed it, and began peeling it.

The three alicorns jumped as Celestia’s quiet laughter exploded into a fit of pure laughter, even as far as falling onto the floor due to how weak she became from all the laughter.

Meanwhile, Godson continued his act, and began a new plan.

“In fact! Whoever catches any of these bananas gets to keep ‘em!” Godson smiled. “Even if it just touches you, it’s yours!”

Twilight simply just kept a blank face, not even bothering to say anything on the matter. Not one chuckle, not one word, not even a sigh of unamusement.

Cadance, however, was surprisingly holding back a few giggles as she continued to watch.

Luna wasn’t even there anymore, and Celestia was still on the floor, laughing.

“You get a banana!” Godson threw a banana from his pocket onto someone’s face. “And you get a banana!” Eventually, he grabs all the bananas from his pockets, and proceeds to throw the entire set of bananas up into the sky, letting them all fall in random directions. “Everyone gets a banana!”

Eventually, Cadance’s giggles slowly turned into full-on laughter. While not as strong as Celestia’s fit of laughter, it was evident that Cadance was enjoying this just as much as the alicorn on the floor was.

“Well. I can see why whoever that lucky mare is has such feelings for him!” She said through her laughter. “This is hilarious!”

And soon enough, after watching her two fellow princesses laugh, Twilight slowly found herself laughing along with them.

As the princesses continued their laughter, Godson reached for his pockets once more, only to find nothing inside it’s storage.

“Welp.” Godson shrugged, his voice returning back to its natural pitch. “I’m all outta bananas.” He immediately began walking back into the castle. “That’s all, folks!”

In an instant, he closed the doors behind him, leaving the entire audience completely and utterly confused.

“I am back.” Luna said, walking back into the balcony. “What did I mi—”

Before she could process anything else, she simply watched as the other three princess laughed.

“...What happened while I was gone…?”

“I can’t believe you did that, Godson!” Twilight shouted. “What were you thinking, throwing bananas at everypony?”

Godson shrugged. “One of them said he was hungry. What do you expect me to do? Not give him a banana? It’d be unfair if I gave one of them a banana, and not give all of them bananas!”

Twilight facehoofed. “You’re ridiculous. Godson.”

“I’m ridiculous!?” Godson jerked his head back. “I was just keeping the ponies entertained! What did you want me to do, just walk up there, say ‘hi’, and then leave?”

“Yeah. Pretty much.” Twilight nodded.

“That’s boring!” Godson scoffed. “What I did earlier was much more entertaining! Go on, tell me you weren’t laughing.”

“I wasn—”

“And don’t lie to me, Sparkle!”

Twilight narrowed her eyes. “Fine. I may have laughed a little bit.”

“Well. You had me and Celestia laughing our heads off.” Cadance spoke up as she walked into the room. “Now, will you tell me who your special somepony is?”

“Why do you gotta be so nosey?” Godson crossed his arms. “Geez. You’re like that one nosey step-sister that everyone wants nothing to do with.”

“Fine!” Cadance huffed. “Don’t tell me! It’s not like I wanted to help with your relationship or something…”

“How exactly did you plan on helping, anyway?” Godson raised an eyebrow. “Were you gonna grab cupid’s magic bow and shoot our butts with it?”

“If you’re into that sort of thing, sure…” Cadance raised her own eyebrow. “I was planning on giving you a gift for you and your marefriend… Maybe even help intensify your feelings for each other. Because, y’know, I can do that…”

Twilight simply stayed silent, and looked up to the human.

“...What kind of gift we talkin’ about here?”

“Well, maybe if you’d stop being so rude and tell me who she is, I’d tell you.” Cadance grumbled.

“Fineee…” Godson sighed in defeat. “I’m dating Rainbow Dash.”

Cadance laughed at the human’s response. “Okay, seriously. Who is it?”

Godson narrowed his eyes as he crossed his arms, simply staring at the Princess of Love as she awaited the correct answer, despite having already received it.

“...Wait.” Cadance blinked. “You’re serious!?”

Twilight scratched the back of her neck. “Heh… Told you you wouldn’t believe me.”

“YOU’RE SERIOUS?!”

“What’s so difficult to believe about that!?” Godson huffed. “At this point, I’m shocked that you believe I’m dating at all!”

“You’re…” Cadance attempted to process the rest of her sentence. “You’re serious… Wow…”

“Yes.” Godson nodded sarcastically. “I’m as serious as Twilight is about writing to Celestia all the friggin’ time.”

“Hey!”

Cadance finally snapped out of her shock. “Right. Sorry.” She shook her head. “Um… Are you two… by any chance… official?”

“Now that.” Godson rolled his eyes. “Is personal information. You’re basically going a step beyond my boundaries and asking about my sex life.”

“...So is that a yes?”

“Yes.”

“Geez, Godson.” Cadance widened her eyes. “That’s actually really surprising to hear.”

“Why’s that?” Godson cocked his head to the side.

“Well. I assumed that Rainbow… uh… swung the other way.”

“Holy shit, Cadance…” Godson huffed. “Why would you immediately assume that Dash is a lesbian?”

“Uh… Two things.” Cadance spoke softly. “One, the word ‘Rainbow’ in her name. And the fact both her mane and tail are rainbows.”

Godson instantly made a blank expression, then quickly shook his head as he returned to reality. “I happen to enjoy that rainbow mane of hers!” He retorted. ”...And her tail, too…”

“Well. I guess she happens to enjoy you, too.” Cadance smiled. “Glad she was able to find someone to love.”

“I’m… not sure if I should be offended by that or not…” Godson thought aloud.

“Relax.” Cadance patted his back with her hoof. “If you still want that gift for the two of you to use, just let me know.”

“Why can’t I ask for it now?”

“Trust me. You don’t need it right now.” Cadance shook her head.

“Uh... Alright…” Godson nodded slowly. “Welp. Speaking of gifts, I should probably find some sort of souvenir or something for her…”

Godson was sneaking around the castle, looking for a souvenir to give his marefriend, when he noticed out of the corner of his eye, something that seemed to be like fiery feathers inside the room to his right, whose door was slightly open.

“Huh?” He paused in his tracks. “What’s that…?” He peaked through the crack, only to find a familiar phoenix in the room. Having enough experience with wings, he figured he could help remove a few feathers without injuring the bird, or even hurting its ability to fly.

“Welp. Maybe I could use these feathers for something…” Godson thought aloud. “Maybe combine them with something and use it as a gift?”

Shrugging, the human slowly made his way into the room, sneaking up to the magical bird. Once he was close enough, he timidly began caressing its back, giving it the awareness of his presence, but knowing he wasn’t there to hurt it.

Soon enough, he began working his magic, preening the bird’s wings using his hands, similar to how he did so to his marefriend. Little by little, he was able to get several feathers, and even move some back into place, creating a win-win situation for both him and the bird.

Once he had enough feathers, he turned back to the door.

...And unfortunately, there was someone already standing, waiting for him to be noticed.

“So.” Shining Armor spoke. “Sneaking around the castle, and messing with Philomena, huh?”

“You make it sound so sexual.” Godson scoffed. “Don’t you have a wife for that kind of stuff?”

“How was I supposed to know that preening Philomena was enough of a reason for Shining to throw me into jail!?”

“Are you kidding me, Godson!?” Twilight shouted. “What purpose did you possibly have for doing such a thing, anyway!?”

“...I wanted it’s feathers.”

Twilight gave the human a serious look. “...Why?”

“I was gonna use them for a gift for Dash…”

“Couldn’t you have used something else…?”

“I could’ve… But phoenix feathers look so cooooool!” Godson whined. “But, man. Your brother’s strict as hell…”

“He’s both the captain of the Royal Guard and a prince!”

“Wait, marrying Cadance made him a prince?” Godson raised an eyebrow.

“Yes…”

“So that means whoever marries you will also wind up a prince?”

“Yes…?”

“Well, shit.” Godson blinked. “I guess that’s never gonna happen, is it?”

“Godson!”

“What? Your love life is pretty much non-existent!”

“Godson…!” Twilight groaned. “You’re not making this situation any better for yourself…”

“But I’m not wrong… am I?”

“Explain to me how you’re friends with this thing, again?” Shining Armor walked into the room.

“Heeeeeey! It’s shield butt!” Godson cheered. “How ya doin’, pal? I mean, you’ve only been gone five minutes and all… But still!”

“Can I cast a silence spell on him?” Shining asked to his younger sister. “He’s your friend, after all.”

“Eh.” Twilight shrugged. “Nah. Just leave him in there for a few days. He’ll learn his lesson.”

“Twilightwhatareyoudoing?” Godson spoke stupidly quick. “TWILIGHTNODON’TLEAVEME!”

Twilight rolled her eyes, and simply made her way out of the room.

“SHOULD I SLOW DOWN A BIT?” Godson shouted. “TWILIGHT PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME IN HERE!”

Twilight simply kept walking, as well as her brother following suit.

“I HAVE A WIFE AND THREE KIDS!” He continued to shout like an idiot. “Wait. No I don’t…”

Eventually, the two had left the room entirely, and the door had closed behind them.

“Holy shit…” Godson cursed under his breath. “They actually left me in here…”

He looked around, finding something to occupy himself with, but found nothing.

“Welp. I’m bored.” He deadpanned. “Where’s Dashie when ya need her?”

He looked behind him, finding a hard bed hanging from the wall, he looked around some more, and found what he thinks could be a toilet, but decided against thinking so. He looked back at the door in which Twilight and Shining had used to leave.

“Twiliiiiiiiight!” He called out. “I’m booooooooored!”

No response.

“Twiliiiiiiight!” He called out once more. “I know you’re there! I’m boooored!”

Again, no response.

“Just give me something to entertain myself with! Hell, at least let me see my marefriend for an hour or two!” He called out again, completely careless about whether he was bothering Twilight or not. “Do you know how boring it is in here!?”

In an instant, the door was thrown open. “FINE!” Twilight shouted. “I was only gonna leave you in here for like an hour, but sweet Celestia, it’s not worth it!”

“Why do you gotta be so rude, Twilight?” Godson crossed his arms. “You know I can’t be in some empty place unless I have either something to entertain myself with, or my marefriend.”

“What’s Rainbow have to do with...Y’know what, I don’t wanna know.” Twilight shook her head, opening the cell. “There.” She groaned. “Just stop doing stupid things, alright?”

“Fine.” Godson huffed. “But I want those feathers back.”

“Well you’re not getting them.” Twilight deadpanned.

“Why not?” Celestia poked her head through the door. “If he really needed some feathers, he could’ve just asked…”

Twilight turned her head around. “...Seriously?”

“Well. It’s the least I could do for him helping me out with some stuff around the castle last week, and making me laugh so much earlier today…”

Twilight looked back at the human with narrowed eyes, and sighed.

“You got lucky. This time.”