Twilight's tea was lukewarm, and this made Twilight uncomfortable. Why was it neither hot nor cold? She liked tea better when it was one or the other. She looked at the filly who had served it to her, a filly named Applebloom. "Now you must die," she said plainly.
"No please don't kill me, I swear I'll make better tea next time!"
But it was too late. Twilight Sparkle stabbed Apple Bloom in the throat with her horn. As the gurgling pony died, Twilight explained. "It is not because of the tea. That is understandable, and forgivable. It is because of the candy. You are made of candy, and I can't let that continue.
Twilight was right. Mars Bars and Twizzlers and Laffy Taffies were falling out of the hole in Apple Bloom's neck. When Twilight pulled her horn out and the filly slumped over, her head cracked out on the hard crystal floor of The Library, with Dots and Skittles pouring out where her brain should have been. It appeared that Twilight was right, she really was made of Candy.
The Sparkle residence was very popular with trick-or-treaters that Nightmare Night.
The next day, there was a funeral that Twilight Sparkle was socially obligated to attend. Applejack wasn't mad at Twilight; she had long suspected the same thing.
There was tea at the funeral. It wasn't very good. Too salty. Twilight wasn't sure why, but she suspected it was brewed from the tears of the migrant farm workers Applejack whipped at night. Applejack was funny that way, abusing ponies at the bottom of both the social and financial ladder. It got Twilight to chuckle.
"Applejack, your tea may suck, but you sure do know how to plan a funeral!"
"Well thanks, Sugarcube!" the farm mare replied. Applejack called everypony sugarcube a lot because she often forgot other pony's names. This was because she has brain damage. When she was a little filly, somepony drew a hole in her skull to make sure there was no candy inside.
A few months later, as Twilight sparkle sat as a human in the Canterlot High School, she wondered about thimbles, a human invention she had seen when she accidentally walked into the sewing club meeting at lunch. Human Rarity unsurprisingly ran it. Rarity used magic to sew, but what about earth ponies like Coco Pommel? Did they have hoof-sized thimbles? but then how would they hold the needles in their magic pony hoof grip? She would have to ask Coco Pommel about it. At least seamstresses weren't usually filled with candy. That was nice. But if there ever was a riot against seamstresses, she would gladly fill Rarity with needles, and then she would spurt blood out like a colorful pony fountain, until she died a few seconds later. Twilight secretly hoped to incite that riot one day, though she still needed to work out who would replace Rarity in her circle of friends. Maybe Starlight Glimmer. She had the same vim and verve as Rarity. Right now though, Twilight needed to get her crown back from Sunset Shimmer so bad stuff wouldn't happen like root canals or ants. If you eat too much candy, you might leave candy lying around your house, and then you will have ants. And if you eat too much candy, then you may have to get a root canal, and that would hurt a lot. So don't go to the dentist if you eat too much candy. Just let your teeth fall out.
Twilight Sparkle didn't like being a time traveler. You knew how everypony was going to die, but social etiquette prevented you from playing the Lottery and instead you had to eck out a living as a crappy fortune teller. But it did have its perks. Twilight knew in a year or two Tirek was going to come back from Tartarus and destroy her tree library, so she burned it down instead and built a crystal castle and called it "The Library". That way, Tirek wouldn't get the satisfaction of burning down her beloved home, as Crystals don't burn very well. Candy does though.
The next month, Twilight Sparkle taught a guest lecture at the Canterlot School for Gifted Ponies. After a couple lawsuits, it no longer just admitted unicorns, because that's racist.
"So in conclusion, as you see, looking back through several hundred years of data drawn from the Royal Astronomical Society and the Royal Physician, sunspot appearance has a strong correlation to how fat Princess Celestia is. When she gets fat, she is more lazy and sometimes misses a spot when she colors in the sun. This happens more and more until about every twelve years, her doctor makes her go on a diet, and the sunspots disappear. Thank you."
Amidst the applause, Twilight wondered if if she sharpened the end of the pointer she was using, it would work as a giant sewing needle. She never got the chance to find out though. She pricked herself in the side of her barrel to see if it would draw blood. Instead, a few Nerds and Jolly Ranchers spilled out. She gasped. It was time.
Twilight Sparkle sawed off her wings with a hacksaw, then ate the jelly filling inside them. It was yummy, but she let some spill and sure enough the next day her crystal castle which she called the Library was full of ants. That didn't really matter much though, because after she did that, she teleported herself to the highest spire of Canterlot castle, wrapped her horn in electrical tape, and jumped off.
Her final thought before smashing into the ground was that at least she wouldn't have to drink any bad tea anymore. In fact, she smiled, knowing that the citizens of Canterlot could use her insides as sweetener. Then her insides painted themselves all over a busy market street.
She should have worn a body thimble.
Author's Note
I Want Candy
