And so we began the eighth round. I couldn't wait to see all the commotion that would happen between Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle, given that they were each one card away from winning. I picked up the next black card, and it turned out to be a custom one. "MMM...I love the smell of _____ in the morning."

"Oh, that's easy," Twilight said as she passed her card over to me.

"Oh, 'ya think?!?" Rainbow asked while she did the same thing.

"Mine's a throwaway," said Fluttershy.

"Let's see what we've got here," I said while shuffling the six white cards in front of me, "MMM...I love the smell of yeast in the morning. Does that really even have a smell? MMM...I love the smell of Oil!...in the morning. Actually, I prefer the scent of gasoline. I know it's bad, but I can't help it. MMM...I love the smell of boring vaginal sex in the morning. Yeah...but it's boring, so no. MMM... I love the smell of having sex on top of a pizza in the morning."

"Ewww!" Twilight said.

"Who would even think of doin' somethin' like that?" AJ asked.

"Beats me," I responded, "MMM...I love the smell of the moist, demanding chasm of his mouth in the morning." All the ponies giggled at me. "That was the worst possible time to play that card..." I continued, bemused, "MMM...I love the smell of a buttload of candy in the morning. You know, I hate to be that guy, but I'm just gonna go with a buttload of candy."

"WHEEEE!!!!" Pinkie exclaimed as she snatched the card away from me.

"Oh boy..." Twilight began as she levitated the black card she drew in front of her, "I could think of plenty of options for this one. Charades was ruined for me forever when my mom had to act out _____."

"Oh, I'm gonna win this one..." I said as I hand my card to Twilight.

"No, I am!" Rainbow said.

"No, I am!" Pinkie exclaimed to the both of us.

"No way you guys're gonna win!" AJ shouted, "Mine's the best!"

"I beg to differ, darling," Rarity said as she floated her card over to the alicorn.

"Ummm...I really think my card will win," Fluttershy said.

"Well, looks like we've finally got some real competition here, don't we?" Twilight continued, "Let's see. Charades was ruined for me forever when my mom had to act out panda sex. Hmmm...Interesting. Charades was ruined for me forever when my mom had to act out sudden penis loss."

"HA!" I exclaimed.

"I'd love to see Big Mac act that out one of these days!" AJ said.

"...When my mom had to act out scrotal frostbite. OOOOO... I can only imagine how that feels... When my mom had to act out testicular torsion. NNNNNGH...That, too."

"Don't ask..." I said.

"...When my mom had to act out two whales fucking the shit out of each other." We all laughed at that. It was a recent addition to the game, and I thought it was genius. "...When my mom had to act out sneezing, farting, and cumming at the same time. Wow! These are all amazing!" She stared at them for a while. "Hmmm...I think I'm going to have to do that thing that Pinkie Pie did earlier." The princess then closed her eyes and shuffled the cards in midair with her magic, the cards' texts not visible to the rest of the group. "Okay, charades was ruined for me forever when my mom had to act out..." she placed one random card on the table, "Sneezing, farting, and cumming at the same time."

"Wonderful!" Rarity exclaimed as she took her awesome point in her magic.

"Come on!" Rainbow exclaimed, displeased, "What's wrong with whales?"

"Look, Rainbow," Twilight continued, "They were all good, and I had a hard time deciding between them. Deal with it."

"Ugh...FINE..."

"Hmmm..." AJ began while sporting a look of accomplishment, "That's right, I killed _____. How, you ask? _____."

"This kinda works," I said as I handed my cards to AJ.

"Mine's a throwaway," Rainbow said, "Even though they kinda go together."

"Alright, let's get a move on," AJ continued, preparing to read the various combinations in front of her. "That's right, I killed an oppressed people with a vibrant culture. How, you ask? Fiery poops."

"Well, I certainly would not want to kill such people," Rarity said, "Who knows what kind of inspiration I might get from their culture?"

"That's right, I killed a bunch of idiots playing a card game instead of interacting like normal humans! HA! How, you ask? Having shotguns for legs."

"That started out awesome, but then it got way too obvious way too quickly," Rainbow said.

"I wouldn't say that just yet, Rainbow," AJ continued, "Anyway, that's right, I killed poor people. How, you ask? Almost giving money to a homeless person. Uhhh...I don't think so. That's right, I killed a for-real lizard that spits blood from it's eyes. How, you ask? An erection that lasts longer than four hours. But, who's got the erection? That's right, I killed the milkman. How, you ask? Hot cheese. Hmmm... That might work. That's right, I killed hot people. How, you ask? The male gaze. 'Ya know, I didn't really like a whole lot of these. I'm gonna go with the shotguns one."

"That's me!" exclaimed Pinkie Pie.

"Man, why don't I have any good cards!?" Rainbow Dash asked herself.

"Are we ready?" Fluttershy asked. Everyone nodded. "Okay. James is a lonely boy. But when he discovers a secret door in his attic, he meets a new magical friend: _____."

"To me, that sounds like another door in my castle that I have yet to see what's behind," Twilight said.

"Here, mine's a throwaway," Rarity said while passing her card to Fluttershy.

"This is the only one I have that makes sense," said Rainbow Dash.

Soon, Fluttershy had all six cards. "James is a lonely boy. But when he discovers a secret door in his attic, he meets a new magical friend: Homeless people."

"That sounds real creepy," AJ began, "Havin' homeless ponies live in the roof of your barn or the attic of your house without you knowin' about it."

"He meets a new magical friend: A falcon with a cap on its head. I'd certainly like that. He meets a new magical friend: My sex dungeon."

"Whoa!" Rainbow exclaimed, "Seriously!? A sex dungeon in your attic!? That's so funny!"

"He meets a new magical friend: Heteronormativity. What's that?"

"I have no idea," I responded.

"He meets a new magical friend: A box within a box. Interesting. He meets a new magical friend: Heartwarming orphans."

"That's still creepy..." AJ said.

"Oh my, a few of these really worked," Fluttershy continued, "You know, given how the game's gone so far, I think the appropriate choice here would be my sex dungeon."

"Woo-hoo!" Pinkie exclaimed. She took her awesome point, officially putting her, Rarity, and I in a three-way tie at eight.

"Let's see, now," Rarity said while taking the next black card in her blue magic, "What's a girl's best friend?"

"This better win me the game..." Twilight said as she floated her card to Rarity.

"Well, it won't!" Rainbow replied.

"Who knows?" I began, "It may very well be the winner." Rainbow only shrugged.

"Alright, let's continue," Rarity said, holding the six cards in her magic, "What's a girl's best friend? Catastrophic urethral trauma."

"Ouch!" I exclaimed. I, for one, would never be in the mood for something like that.

"What's a girl's best friend? A cooler full of organs. Ewww...no, thank you. A defective condom."

"HA!" AJ laughed.

"Walking in on...oh dear..."

"What is it, Rarity?" Pinkie asked.

"W-Walking in on...dad...p-peeing into...m-mom's...m-mouth."

"EWWW!!!" the party pony responded while Rainbow Dash couldn't help but laugh.

"Anyway," Rarity continued, still noticeably disgusted by that previous card, "Demonic possession."

"If Sunset Shimmer were here," Twilight began, "She'd probably pick that one."

"And finally, masturbation. My goodness." The alabaster unicorn then scanned over her options. "You know, as unladylike as this sounds, I think that all mares, or women in this world, enjoy the occasional self-pleasure session. It really helps us to relax and unwind after a long day's work. Who had masturbation?"

"YES! I WIN!" Twilight yelled, flapping her wings in excitement.

"NOOOOOO!!!!!!!" Rainbow shouted, appalled to have been beaten, "COME ON!!!"

"Congrats, Twi!" AJ said, giving the princess a high-hoof.

"Now, wait just a minute, girls," I interrupted, "We're not finished quite yet."

"Really?!?" Rainbow asked, her eager eyes looking directly into mine, "So I can still win?? Well, in a way??"

"Yes. Here," I said, reaching for the lid of the box. I then pulled out a black card that I kept separate from all the others. "This card I have in my hand is what we use to close out every game of Cards Against Humanity. The only difference here is that every single one of us plays on this card. There's no Card Czar."

"What does it say?" Fluttershy asked.

"Make a Haiku," I continued, "This is another, 'Draw 2, Pick 3' card." After I was finished, the seven of us each drew 2 additional white cards.

"Do we actually have to make a haiku? You know, five syllables, then seven, then another five?" Rarity asked.

"Nope. It can be whatever you want it to be," I replied.

"Okie Dokie Lokie!" Pinkie chirped.

It took us a few minutes, but eventually we had all our "haikus" in front of us. "Each of us will read our own selection. I'll start. Bullets, explosions, mutually assured destruction."

"Wait, how do we determine a winner?" Rainbow asked, a hint of desperation still evident in her tone.

"All of us will determine a winner together," I finished.

"Okay," Rainbow replied.

Twilight then read her "haiku". "Spectacular abs, destroying the evidence, self-flagellation." Hers was actually a haiku.

"A dance move that's just sex, not reciprocating oral sex, ejaculating inside another man's wife," AJ said.

"Mine says, 'Copping a feel, eating an albino, the inevitable heat death of the universe'," Fluttershy spoke.

Rarity then began reading hers. "Cock, jizz, silence."

"That's it?" I asked.

"Yes," Rarity replied, lifting the cards in her magic to show me.

"Here's mine," Rainbow said, "A gentle caress of the inner thigh, establishing dominance, sexual tension."

"My turn!" Pinkie exclaimed, "Rising from the grave, an army of skeletons, a can of whoop-ass."

"Okay, let's decide," I said.

"I don't think mine's all that great," Fluttershy said, sadly.

"Yeah, I have to agree. Sorry," I replied.

"Rainbow," AJ began, "Yours starts out okay, but sexual tension kinda throws it off course, if 'ya know what I mean."

Rainbow looked at her cards one last time. "You know, AJ, you're right. I'll just set mine aside."

"I think we should keep Twilight's and Pinkie's, since they're actually haikus," I said.

"I agree," Rarity replied.

"I think we'll keep yours, too, Rarity," I continued.

"Oh? But mine's minimal."

"But it makes sense," Rainbow said.

"I think Applejack's is actually a bit funny," Fluttershy said, "I think we should keep that one, too."

"Now, I'm not gonna vote for my own haiku," I said, "It wouldn't be fair. In my opinion, if I had to pick any, I'd go with Pinkie Pie's. Even though it didn't end well, it's still a haiku, and it would make plenty of people laugh."

"But I thought you didn't have to play a haiku," Twilight said.

"That doesn't mean the winner has to not be a haiku," I replied, "Besides, I'm usually, you know, that guy."

"I actually like Pinkie's," Rainbow said, "I vote for hers!"

"Me, too!" AJ said.

"So do I!" said Twilight.

"Same here!" Fluttershy announced.

"Majority rules," I said, "Pinkie Pie, you win this card!"

"Whoopee!" the pink party pony cheered.

"This was really fun!" Twilight said.

"Yeah, it sure was!" AJ told me.

"I hate to admit it, but this game was immensely enjoyable!" Rarity said.

"Well, maybe we can play again another time," I said, "That is, if you're planning to come back to this world at some point."

"We'll see," Fluttershy said.

"And when we DO play again," Rainbow began, "I'm gonna win!" she finished while looking Twilight in the eyes.

Twilight stared competitively into Rainbow's eyes and said, "Challenge accepted!"

Author's Note

Well, Twilight's the big winner!! Hope you enjoyed this fic, despite its highs and lows. I might make a sequel in which Twilight remakes this game for play in Equestria, but I'm not totally sure yet.

Here's the final score:

Me: 8
TS: 10
AJ: 6
Fluttershy: 5
Rarity: 8
RD: 9
Pinkie: 9 (including 'Make a haiku')

Here are the remaining cards in each player's hand/hoof:

* = Custom card

Me:
Bees?
An outbreak of smallbox.
Teaching a robot to love.
A slightly shittier parallel universe.
Making a pouty face.
Smoking crack, for instance.
Growing up chained to a radiator in perpetual darkness.
Living in a trashcan.
Getting married, having a few kids, buying some stuff, retiring to Florida, and dying.

TS:
The pirate's life.
A surprising amount of hair.
Turning the rivers red with the blood of the infidels.
Praying the gay away.
An inability to form meaningful relationships.
Clenched butt cheeks.
A windmill full of corpses.
*An endless supply of memes.
Boxing up my feelings.

AJ:
Sperm whales.
Gladiatorial combat
Moderate-to-severe joint pain.
Self-loathing.
Slowly easing down onto a cucumber.
A robust mongoloid.
Embryonic stem cells.
The basic suffering that pervades all of existence.
*Tasting the rainbow.

Fluttershy:
Mild Autism.
My soul.
Savagely beating a mascot.
Object permanence.
An ugly face.
40 acres and a mule.
Fetal alcohol syndrome.
Dropping a chandelier on your enemies and riding the rope up.
Assless chaps.

Rarity:
A pyramid of severed heads.
Being a motherfucking box.
Take-backsies.
A shiny rock that proves I love you.
Sexy pillow fights.
An unstoppable wave of fire ants.
The chronic.
My humps.
Tasteful sideboob.

RD:
Used panties.
Active listening.
Winking at old people.
Quivering jowls.
Some kind of bird-man.
Whatever you wish, mother.
A saxophone solo.
Giant sperm from outer space.
Shutting the fuck up.

Pinkie:
Not giving a shit about the Third World.
Repression.
An interracial handshake.
Famine.
Amputees.
A balanced breakfast.
The heart of a child.
Grandpa's ashes.
Dark and mysterious forces beyond our control.