Hoity Toity's Floating Bazaar

An old stallion was pushed off a cliff and landed hard on the beach below. He slowly got up and regained his bearings. With a pained gasp of air, he said with a quiet voice: "It's..."

Hoity Toity's Floating Bazaar

At a coffee lounge in Vanhoover, Coloratura sat on in front of her piano and sang the audience a simple acoustic song. "Dances, romances, things of the night. Sunshine and holidays, postcards to write. Budding trees, autumn leaves, a snowflake or two. All kinds of everything remind me of you. All kinds of everything remind me of you." she sang, finishing the song.

The entire audience clapped and cheered.

"Thank you, thank you, you are a wonderful crowd." she humbly thanked. "Now, for my next song, I would like to dedicate it to all those modern art enthusiast out there who are wasting thousands of bits on a blank canvas because it is an excellent example of 'minimalism'." she announced. "This song is called 'Art Gallery', hope you all will enjoy it." she smiled before she began to play the song.

At an art gallery in Canterlot, Fleur dis Le and Fancy Pants walked in to visit the latest art exhibition by a new artist. They were quickly greeted by a stallion with a short white mane and dark sunglasses. "Oh Mr. Pants, so great to see you here in my art gallery." he said in a dramatic and flamboyant tone. "I have discovered a new artist that you should just see."

"That's what you said the last time Mr. Haul, and it was just a filthy bum conning you into giving him an art commission to buy drugs." Fancy Pants pointed out. "I hope it's true this time."

"Don't worry Mr. Pants, this one is genuine." he said bemused. "I made sure of it."

"And the one before that was actually a RADFEM who stabbed you with a broken off paint brush."

"Yes I get it, I have trust issues with strangers! Can we please now see the artist!" he snapped with annoyance. Both Fancy Pants and Fleur just looked on in stunned silence. They could only nod.

They followed Mr. Haul to the main gallery, to see a mare set everything up. She had a short neon purple mane with tangerine fur with a cutie mark of a red neon tube shaped to spell out "Ne". She set up several cans of paint along with a stereo.

"Her name is Ultra Violet, she specializes in neon and light art." explained Haul.

"Good evening ladies and gentlecolts, tonight I will be performing my newest piece of performance art that I like to title 'Hotline Bling'." announced the neon colored mare. "So may we please turn off the lights." The lights in the room all turn off as told. "Good, now let's begin." she pressed the play button on the stereo and instrumental music began to play.

Everyone watched as the mare began to dance in a sultry manner while a black light spotlight shined down on her. She grabbed a can of neon paint and poured it all over herself. It only got stranger from there.

Everyone looked on as things began to take a turn for the...odd. "What is she doing with those glow sticks? I don't know what she has-oh wait now I can see what they're for." mumbled Fancy Pants, his eyes wide with shock.

"Freud would have a field day with that." mumbled Fleur.

Fancy Pants suddenly felt somepony touch him between his hind legs. "Fleur, I know this is making you frisky and all, but save the groping for tonight." he warned. He turned around to see that it was not Fleur that was groping him, but Mr. Haul himself. "What the?!" he bucked the stallion off of him. "What was that for?!"

Haul just blushed. "Sorry Mr. Pants, I know that was uncalled for, it's just that art exhibitions are the only thing that turn me on." he apologized.

"I hate dealing with artsy folks." he whispered to Fleur with annoyance.

Among the audience, sat Trenderhoof who was writing a review of the performance in front of him. "According to Miss Ultra Violet," he wrote down in shorthand. "her performance is supposed to serve as her critique of the rise of the growing Alt-right movement in Equestria, although from the looks of it, it seems that this is all just an excuse to masturbate with a glow stick in front of rich ponies." he was dissatisfied with the performance.

A staff member walked up to him. "Excuse me Mr. Trenderhoof, but you have-"

"Don't interrupt me while I am writing!" he snapped.

"I'm sorry sir, but I'm using my only line in this entire sketch to tell you that you have a telegram from your boss!" he explained to the journalist with offense.

Mr. Haul suddenly popped up between them. "Shush you two, she can't concentrate when you speak above a whisper!" he sternly warned them in a whisper.

At the lounge, Coloratura continued to sing. "Through the years as the fire starts to mellow, Burning lines in the book of our lives. Though the binding cracks, And the pages start to yellow. I'll be in love with you" she sang. As she continued, a fan silently walked up to the stage, tape covering his mouth, waving a cardboard sign that read 'Take in the refugees!'. Coloratura did not seem to mind since the stage invader was silent.

IT'S A STALLION'S LIFE IN THE EQUESTRIAN BASE IN SADDLE ARABIA

At a recruitment desk, Shining Armor sat patiently. He quietly asked a crew member. "Did you cut to me yet?" he asked with confusion. The receives a signal in the affirmative and looks at the camera. "Okay, good." he straightens himself out before he spoke. "Good evening Royal Guards of Equestrian, as your captain, it has come to my attention that a local gay nightclub in Vanhoover is infringing on Royal Guard copyright by using our slogan 'It's a stallion's life in the Guards., now I will have you know, that this nightclub will be dealt with by our literal army of lawyers and that any guard caught going to this club will be court marital-ed to the fullest extent." Once he finished the report he turned to the crew. "Okay, now turn off the camera."

The scene cuts to Caramel who was escorted into the fitting room of the Carousel Boutique by Rarity. "Now, there's a selection of nice suits at the end of the room, just go and browse around the selection, I'll be back in a bit to fit your selection, until then, I have a customer to deal with, if you have any questions just give a holler." Rarity instructed as she showed the stallion the room. "Be right back." she announced in a sing-song tone and a wink. She closed the door behind her, leaving the stallion alone.

Caramel looked around the room and went over to the back half to see a large selection of suits and tuxedos. "That's it?!" he was unimpressed. "It's just the same old dinky variation of the exact same thing, why do we stallions get stuck with these boring and uninspired pieces of formal wear, why can't we have fancy, beautiful and elegant suits like those dresses that mares-" he suddenly got an epiphany and turned around to the other side of the room that held an absurdly large selection of formal dresses. "-ware." he looked at the selection in awe.

About fifteen minutes later, Rarity finally finished with her customer and made her way to the fitting room to check on Caramel. "Oh dear, I hope he's not cross for making him wait by himself." she muttered nervously, afraid that she unintentionally upset a customer. Her ears perked up when she heard music faintly coming from the room. "Music?" Rarity said confused. "How did he access the stereo?" she could hear the music more clearly once she was at the door. "And yuck, my dad must have left his cassette in it as well." she opened the door, but in hindsight, wished she did not.

Inside, Caramel, who wore a fancy gala dress and full makeup, danced around to the song in a sexual manner, clearly turned out by his own display. "Would you fuck me?" he asked to his reflection. "I'd fuck me...hard." he said teasingly to himself.

Without a word, Rarity just slowly and methodically closed the door. There was not enough alcohol in the world to erase that memory.

IT'S A STALLION'S LIFE IN CROSS-DRESSING

"For goodness sake!" interrupted Shining who was pissed off to say the least. "What did I say earlier about infringing our trademark?!" he yelled in anger. "I swear, if this happens once more, I'll come down to the writers house and beat the shit out of him for trademark infringement!" he yelled. "Now carry on." he said calmly.

At a Dojo, four stallions stood at attention as their master walked in. "さぁ、始めよう!" he announced as he bowed to his students, the four students bowed in return. The master examined the class. "Uh, where is everyone else?" he asked his students with concern.

"They're not here sensei." said Noteworthy.

"We think it's because they're sick with the flu." added Comet Tail.

"Flu?!" the master said with shock. "I keep telling them to eat more fresh fruit, but they never listen!" he said with annoyance. He then quickly got to business. "Okay, today we'll continue on where we last left off last time when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against anyone who attacks you with fresh fruit." he announced. The entire class groaned with annoyance.

"You said you would not do fruit this week!" exclaimed Bulk with annoyance.

"What do you mean?!" asked a stunned master.

"We've done fruit for the last nine weeks sensei!" stated Noteworthy.

"So?" said the master incredulously, "You think you are all know it all's huh?!"

"We just want to do something different for once!" clarified Toe Tapper.

"Like, how to defend yourself against a bo staff." said Bulk.

"A bo staff?!" said the master with scorn. "So you all think you are so high and mighty? You all think you can go against a bo staff? Well, don't come crying to me when a crazy pony comes at you, throwing loganberries at you and you have no idea how to defend yourselves!" he snarled with contempt before resuming his lecture. "Now, when it comes to the passion fruit-"

All four stallions groaned. "We've done passion fruit!" yelled Noteworthy with annoyance.

"We have also done mikans, ringos, grapefruits-" began Comet Tail

"Both whole and segments." remarked Toe Tapper.

"-zakuros, seiyosumomos-" continued the yellow unicorn.

"-budous, passion fruits-" continued Noteworthy.

"-lemons, plums and mangoes." finished Bulk.

"How about sakuranbos?" asked the master.

"We've done that!" the students said in unison.

"Aka AND kuro?!"

"YES!" said the students.

"Uh..." the master thought hard before he came up with a new type of fruit. "How about...bananas?"

The students looked at each other. "We haven't done that before." admitted Comet Tail.

"Great!" he said with excitement. "So, how to defend yourselves against a crazy pony with a banana." he throws Noteworthy a single banana. "Now to defend yourself against a banana, you just have to pin down the pony, grab the banana, and eat it, rendering them completely helpless." he explained.

"What if he has a bunch?" asked Comet Tail.

"What if he has a bo staff?" asked Bulk Biceps.

"What if instead of a banana, it is actually a plantain?" joked Toe Tapper.

"They're called bashou-zokus in the karate world, now shut the fuck up before I buck you so hard in the balls that doctors will legally classify you as a gelding Mr. Anzu!" snarled the master with annoyance.

"His name is Toe Tapper sensei." pointed out Noteworthy.

The master glared at Noteworthy. "Oh, you think you are smarter than your own master now huh? You think you know it all now huh?" he said incredulously. "Okay then, why don't you grow a pair of balls and come at me with that banana Mr. Jiga, if you know it all." he dared his student. Noteworthy just rolled his eyes and held the banana in his mouth in the most threatening way that one can hold it in with a banana in their mouth. "Now come at me like you mean it!"

The blue stallion did as told and charged up to the master. Suddenly, the master pulled out a katana and swiftly sliced the unlucky stallion across the torso, his internal organs literally spill out to the floor in a fountain of blood. The three students look on in shock that their fellow classmate was killed in front of them in cold blood.

"Now just take the banana away and eat it." the master grabbed the blood soaked banana out of the dead stallion's mouth and began to eat it. He quickly spit it out. "Oh yuck this isn't a banana, it's a bashou-zoku, that damn pimple faced stockcolt lied to me!"

"You...you...killed him..." said a stunned Comet Tail.

"Because he was attacking me with a banana." explained the master.

"But you told him to." pointed out Bulk.

"Well, he was a little annoying shit, he had it coming." he responded nonchalantly. "Besides, I was just showing you how to defend yourselves against fruit."

"And a bo staff." chimed Toe Tapper.

"I said shut the fuck up!" he hissed at Tapper.

"But what if he came at you with a banana, but you don't have a katana?" asked Comet with curiosity.

"Well, just scream bloody murder and run for your life." answered the master. "Although that would not work when someone shoves a houri down your throat."

"A houri?" asked Bulk for clarification.

"Holy shit?! Where?!" the master quickly cowers himself behind a support beam. He had his katana at the ready to strike.

"Uh...there is no houri sensei.." the white muscular pegasus was confused.

"Thank Celestia." the master breathed a sigh of relief. "I thought I was going to get it then and there."

"With a houri?"

"WHERE?!" he panicked and got into fighting stance, ready to attack.

"Oh..." he blushed with embarrassment. He soon pulled himself together to continue the lecture. "Okay, now let's move on to the kiichigo." he pulled out a kiichigo out of his gi. "Okay Mr. Momo-"

"Toe Tapper." corrected the tall blue stallion.

"Whatever! Just come at me with this kiichigo!" he threw it at Toe Tapper. "And do it in the most threatening way possible, pretend like you intend to sodomize me with it." he got into fighting stance.

"Will you promise not to disembowel me like you did Noteworthy?" asked an intimidated Toe Tapper. He looked over at the dead corpse on the dojo floor.

The master gave an annoyed sigh. "Yes, I promise I will not disembowel you."

"Just like how you promised us that we'll be using the bo staff?" added Bulk.

The master angrily turned to Bulk. "Listen here you little fuck, if I hear you mention the bo staff one more time, I'll grab one from the wall and shove it up so far up your asshole that'll come out the other side! Understood!?"

The pegasus stallion just stood there in stunned silence. He turned back to Toe Tapper. "Now Mr. Tapper, try to sodomize me with those kiichigos."

"Only if you put down that katana!" demanded the blue stallion.

"Mother fucking-" the master mumbled the rest as he placed the katana back in its sheath and threw it across the room. "There! Gone! Happy now?!"

"So you were going to disembowel me!"

"Just shove those kiichigos up my ass like any mad pony would do!" he bent over and lifted up his tail. "Come on!"

Toe Tapper just rolled his eyes and rushed up to his master. Only for the master to step on a hidden panel on the floor, which triggered a trap. Tapper was suddenly caught in a laser grid. Bulk and Comet looked on helplessly as their friend was literally diced to several chunks.

The master got up with a smirk. "To defend yourself against a kiichigo, just tap on the secret pressure point on the floor and watch your opponent get diced into chunks by your state of the art laser system."

"Who uses such a thing?!" exclaimed Comet.

"And what if you don't have a laser system?" asked Bulk incredulously.

"That's easy Bulk, you just disembowel him." smirked the master.

"If you don't have a katana?" asked Comet.

The master's blood began to boil with rage from how annoying his students became. "You know what," he throws both his students baskets filled with kiichigos. "come at me with those, I'll show how to defend yourself without a katana or laser system, now come at me you little shits!"

"No katana or laser system?" asked Comet.

"No bo staff?" asked Bulk.

"FUCK YOU AND YOUR BO STAFF!" snarled the master at Bulk. "JUST ATTACK ME ALREADY!"

"FINE!" yelled Bulk who took the bait. He quickly charged at his master. "YEAH!"

"Bulk wait, I don't think that's such a good-" Comet warned his friend only to see the master pull a secret lever that sent a giant tiger at Bulk.

"AHHH!" Bulk gave a loud blood curling scream as Comet saw his friend get mauled by the tiger.

"BULK!" yelled the unicorn who ran over to held his friend, only for a second tiger to pounce on him and maul him.

The master laughed manically. "Yeah, how do you like that you fucking cocksuckers!?" he looked on. "Do you two have any idea how busy I am trying to defend the world against fruit wielding crazies to deal with you two? Well, fuck you two! You want to defend yourselves? Well, try to defend that you buttfucking pieces of shit!" he laughed like a mad pony. "Congratulations fruit wielders, you stopped nothing!"

Back at the coffee lounge, Coloratura continued to perform in front of the small audience. "Remember the days of the old schoolyard. We used to laugh a lot, oh don't you. Remember the days of the old schoolyard. When we had imaginings and we had. All kinds of things and we laughed. And needed love... Yes, I do!" she sang.

At Appleloosa, Braeburn looked around at his apple orchard, after a long day at work. He breathed in the clean air. "Ah yes, it is a stallion's life out here in Appleloosa!" he exclaimed.

"I HEARD THAT!" exclaimed an angry Shining Armor who ran in. "This sketch is over, you sir, have been served by the Royal Guard Legal Team!" he gave the yellow stallion a court summons. "See you in court pirate!" he snarled before he walked away.

"But ah was about it give my monologue gosh darn it, ah had to sleep with Mr. Toity himself to get this." he said dejected. He slowly limped away in pain, tail firmly between the legs. "And he came in dry too..."

Time Turner walked into Twilight Sparkle's library, Starlight Glimmer was there reading a book. "Uh, hello?" asked Turner. Starlight quickly jumped with fright.

"Who goes there?!" she asked suspiciously.

"Uh..." Turner looked on. "I'm just here to borrow a book."

"Oh, uh, we don't have any books." she lied as she used her magic to knock down all the books from a nearby shelf. "We just ran out."

"But what do you call those things you are knocking down?" asked the stallion.

"Oh? Those?" she played dumb. "Uh...they're reserved."

"ALL of the books are on reserve?!"

"Yep, all of them." she admitted.

"By whom?" he asked.

"To uh...uh...some very important pony and uh..." she tried to make up an excuse to get rid of the customer. "...oh look, it's lunch time, time for me to go and have lunch." she grabbed her paper bag.

"But it's only 10am?"

"Did I say lunch?!" she nervously laughed. "I meant brunch, yeah, brunch, now leave!" she used her magic to open the door for him.

"But I was told to come here!" he exclaimed.

"Why didn't you say so?!" Starlight quickly grabbed Time Turner and pinned him up against a nearby wall. "The Queen of Corona is named Rosie." she whispered into his ear.

Turner just blushed from how intimately close he was to the mare who had him pinned. "Uh...are you seducing me?" he asked the mare, completely confused.

"Just say your line already." demanded Starlight.

"What line?"

"Only down by the..." she began. "You know the rest."

"What?"

"You're supposed to say something along the lines of 'only down by the schoolyard'." she said with annoyance. "Remember?"

"Uh...no?" he looked on slightly afraid for his safety.

Starlight grabbed Turner with her magic and was about to throw him out. "So who sent you then?!"

"Just some mare with a moon cutie mark." explained Turner.

"Does she have a pale cornflower blue mane with a brilliant azure coat?" prodded the mare.

"No, she had a dark blue mane with a light cornflower bluish gray." corrected Turner.

"Oh darn, got confused there for a moment, good day." said the mare about to throw the stallion out.

"But what is going on around here?!" demanded Time Turner.

Starlight dropped Turner to the floor and closed the door. "Oh crud, you now know too much!" she panicked. "There's nothing going on!"

"Yes there is!" pointed out a suspicious Turner.

"Just tell me what book you wanted to check-out, and make it quick!" demanded the mare.

"Just a travel book titled "An Illustrative Guide to the Bayou Swamps of Equestria and its Natives."". stated the stallion.

Starlight was stunned. "My goodness, you have big balls."

"What?!" Turner quickly placed his tail between his hindlegs, he thought the mare saw them.

"How much do you know!" growled Starlight as he horn glowed with powerful magic.

"About...what...?" he slowly stepped back.

"Are you from the Every Villain Is Lemons organization?" demanded the unicorn for an answer.

"What?!" exclaimed Time Turner. "I'm just a watch maker and time keeper!"

"Unlikely story there, now tell me the truth or else you'll never leave this room alive!"

"I'm just a time keeper!"

"A time keeper who is checking out a book about the bayou, headquarters of the EVIL organization?"

"Yes?" he admitted with confusion.

Starlight Glimmer just laughed. She could smell one of their spies from a mile away.

"Not so fast Starlight!" exclaimed a new voice. Starlight turned around to see that it was Sunset Shimmer.

"Sunset!" she growled.

Time Turner just looked on. "Okay?..."

"Where did Party Favor hide the Alicorn Amulet for you Starlight?!" Sunset's horn glowed, ready to attack.

"What amulet?" said Starlight playing dumb.

"Don't play dumb with me, you know what it did to Lemon Zest!" snarled Sunset.

"Who's Lemon Zest?" asked the stallion.

"SHUT UP!" both mares screamed in unison.

"Just tell me where the amulet is located at Starlight, and I'll let you leave." Sunset bargained.

"It's located on the second floor of Ponyville town hall." admitted Starlight. She was suddenly hit in the eye by a blast of magic from Sunset. "AHHH okay! Third floor!" she admitted with agony.

"Thank you Starlight." laughed Sunset evilly before she trotted towards the door to go out and get the amulet.

"Not so fast!" said a new voice. Sunset looked on completely stunned to see Trixie before her, ready to attack.

"Grrr...Trixie!" Sunset snarled.

"The great and powerful Trixie demands that you stand down and let yourself be tied up by my henchponies." ordered Trixie.

Sunset turned off her magic and went down to the floor as a sign of surrender. Soon, Snips and Snails, inexplicably dressed in nurse costumes, run in and start to tie up Sunset.

"So, is Trixie on your side Miss Glimmer?" asked Turner.

"Oh please peon!" spat Trixie. "Trixie is on no ones side, like Trixie would ever be on the same side as you two bitches." she mocked. "Now back against the wall Starlight, and you two beta stallion, to the wall!" she threatened to fire a deadly magical spell. Both Starlight and Time Turner did as told.

"Now, where is the Alicorn Amulet Starlight?!" demanded Trixie.

"Not so fast!" yelled a new voice. Everyone turns around to see that it is Sunburst.

"SUNBURST!" yelled everyone except Time Turner.

"Okay Trixie, against the wall along with your cross dressing nurses!" order the stallion magician. "Now, someone here has five seconds to tell me where the Alicorn Amulet is or else I'll turn you all into your spirit animal!"

"How could you betray me like this Sunburst!" yelled Starlight, heartbroken. "I let you go to the third base with me last night and this is how you repay me?!"

Suddenly, the front door opened and Starlight, Time Turner, Sunset, Trixie, Snips, Snails and Sunburst turned around to see an annoyed Twilight Sparkle and Spike standing before them. "STARLIGHT!"

"Oh hey Twilight." greeted Starlight sheepishly.

"What did I tell you about running the library without me?"

"Too...uh...not?" Starlight gave a nervous chuckle.

Twilight gave the pink mare an angry look.

Starlight sighed and turned to everyone else. "Role play is over, go home." she reluctantly announced. Everyone gave an annoyed groan before they all shuffled out.

"I put on these nylon stockings for nothing!" complained Snails.

Time Turner quietly followed everyone else outside and went his own way to his house. He turned to the camera. "Role playing is fun and all, but ponies sure can take it way too seriously at times, it's like they believe they live in some kind of fantasy land." he mused before he gave a chuckled over the situation. He then reached a big blue box that read 'Police Box' and went inside. "Silly ponies." he mused as the door closed and the box slowly began to disappear.

IT'S A STALLION'S LIFE IN ROLE PLAYING.

"NO!" yelled Shining. "Damn it, I warned you about this but you didn't listen." he walked away to give the author a piece of his mind, which is code for 'beat the living shit out of him'.

Owl-Stretching Time stars (in order of appearance)...
Coloratura
Fleur dis Le
Fancy Pants
Trenderhoof
Shining Armor
Caramel
Rarity
Noteworthy
Comet Tail
Bulk Biceps
Toe Tapper
Braeburn
Time Turner
Starlight Glimmer
Sunset Shimmer
Trixie Lulamoon
Snips
Snails
Sunburst
Twilight Sparkle
Spike

Shining suddenly came across an old stallion who stood on top of a cliff overlooking the scenery. "And I thought I told you to get out of Equestrian government property!" he said before he pushed the old stallion down the cliff.

"SORRY!" he yelled as he fell.