Hoity Toity's Floating Bazaar

An old stallion with a smoke pipe cutie mark sprinted across Everfree forest, he quickly notices the camera and runs up to it. Once he arrived at the camera, he gave a deep breath and said; "It's..."

Hoity Toity's Floating Bazaar

Episode 3
How to Recognize Different Trees From Quite A Long Way Away
#1
The Larch

"Lanix," said Tree Hugger who narrated. "Lanix."

At a courtroom, Mayor Mare presided over a criminal case. She turned her attention to the accused. "Okay Mr. Thunderlane, the prosecution just rested, do you have anything to say before I pass sentence?" she asked.

"Well...I'd like to say that I am sorry for bringing shame to both my parents and my little brother Rumble, and that I believe freedom every pony should never take for granted...and..." suddenly Thunderlane flew up on the table. "It is in vain, sir, to extenuate the matter. Gentlecolts may cry, peace, peace—but there is no peace. The war is actually begun! The next gale that sweeps from the north will bring to our ears the clash of resounding arms! Our brethren are already in the field! Why stand we here idle? What is it that gentlecolt wish? What would they have? Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery?" he yelled passionately. "Forbid it, Almighty Celestia! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!"

The Mayor looked on bemused. "First of all, it's ma'am...and second of all..." she took a deep breath. "IT'S JUST A FUCKING LITTERING CITATION!" she yelled with annoyance.

Suddenly, Pinkie Pie burst into the courtroom. "I'm sorry I'm late my right honorable, I had trouble finding a place to park my party cannon." she apologized. "Anyways, I'll take it over from here, I call in Granny Pie!"

Granny Pie walked in and took her place on the stand. The bailiff Bulk Biceps swore her in. "I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me Celestia!" recited Granny Pie.

"Now tell us your side of the story Mrs. Pie." instructed Mayor Mare.

"Well..." Granny Pie began to go on a long winded and random story about her entire life, but constantly going on a long-winded tangents. Everyone except Pinkie grew board almost immediately. Time felt like it passed at a gradually slower pace, after about 30 minutes, all the jury members were either annoyed or fully asleep, Granny Pie showed no signs of stopping her story any time soon.

"I said, don't you talk to me about incontinence, I said..." she was suddenly grabbed into a sleeper hold by bailiff Biceps and soon nodded off to sleep. Putting everyone out of their misery. The jury breathed a sign of relief.

"Miss Pie, I failed to see the relevance of your last witness." Mayor Mare told Pinkie with contempt.

"Don't worry, my next witness should explain everything...I call in the late Feldspar Granite Pie!" Pinkie announced.

"The late?!" Before Pinkie could answer, several ponies haul in an old coffin and placed it on the witness stand. "Uh, Pinkie, is there any relevance in questioning a corpse?" the Mayor asked.

"Come again?"

"Your witness is dead, stiff, worm food, dog meet, dust, reliquiae."

"I know that, but don't worry, it'll be worth it, you'll see." grinned Pinkie who tried to reassured the judge. She then walked up to the coffin. "Okay, Mr. Granite Pie, are you a lifelong rock farmer?" she asked the coffin.

A loud 'bang' emanated from the coffin. "What was that?!" asked a stunned Mayor Mare.

"Oh, he said 'yes' my right honorable, one knock means 'yes', and two means 'no', can I continue please?" Pinkie explained. She was given a reluctant nod of approval and Pinkie resumed her questioning. "Just to clarify Mr. Granite Pie, is it true that you are indeed dead?" she asked, but there was silence. "Mr. Granite Pie?" she asked again, only to be met by more silence.

"Where are you going with this Miss Pie?"

"Uh, let me privately talk to my witness first." she said as she ran up to the coffin and opened it slightly to look inside. What she saw made her face turn green with illness. "Uh, the witness is currently uh...mortuus in adventu." Pinkie nervously announced with embarrassment. "No more questions."

"No more questions?!" exclaimed Mayor Mare at the end of her rope. "There's a dead body in my courtroom because of your antics, I want to know what's going on!"

"There's no easy way to describe this...you see-"

"You have no idea what this case is about do you?" she asked bluntly.

"Well, I do know that it is a thick web of lies perpetrated by a conspiracy between the Equestrian government and the Illuminati, who are plotting to build one world government and-"

"Your client already pleaded guilty to the littering citation." the judge interrupted Pinkie.

"Who cares about some dinky little littering citation, I am here to leave no stone un-turned, so I bring in George Abbot, the former first lord of the treasury to the stand!"

"What?!" exclaimed the Mayor. "This is madness!"

"Character witness my right honorable." stated Pinkie.

Soon, a pony in clerical robes walked in. He sat down at the witness stand with humility. "Lovely being here in Equestria, the weather here is great." commented George.

"So, are you George Abbott, divine and former Archbishop of Canterbury?" asked Pinkie.

"Yes."

"Would it be fair for me to say that not only were you also the Chancellor of Trinity college but the translator of the King James Bible?" asked Pinkie with a smirk.

"That's what the historical books say of me." he said with modesty.

"Did you once accidentally killed another pony?"

"Not my best moment, but yes."

"Would you describe your views on separatists and Catholics as harsh?" continued Pinkie.

"Of course I did."

"Good, now tell me Mr. Abbott, are you familiar with the defendant Thunderlane?" she pointed at the black stallion with blue mohawk.

"Why, since I was a little foal." George mused.

"Now speaking as the Archbishop of Canterbury, Chancellor of Trinity College and translator of the King James Bible, would you say that Thunderlane is a stallion of good character?"

"Of course he is." he said with honesty.

"Your right honorable!" began the pink lawyer. "I move that I may plead for clemency in this case!" she announced.

"...it's only ฿1 Pinkie." said the judge, annoyed.

"NOT SO FAST!" exclaimed a new voice. Everyone turned to see Trixie barge into the court room.

"Uh...what's going on?" nervously wondered Thunderlane.

"Trixie will not have any of your smart alleck answers criminal scum!" snarled the blue unicorn. "You are speaking to the GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE! CID DETECTIVE!" she then walked up to George Abbot.

"Oh sweet Celestia kill me now!" moaned judge Mare with despair.

"Hello Miss Trixie." greeted George.

"So George," Trixie began. "Is it true that you died in 633 at the age of 70?"

"That is true." answered George matter-of-factly.

"AH-HA!" yelled the blue unicorn. "You fell for my trap!"

George just gave an angry look at Trixie. "Curses, you are way to clever for us bad ponies Trixie, too good!"

"Yes, Trixie deduces that George Abbot is actually, Cheese Sandwich, professional impersonator of historical figures!" she pointed out.

"Damn, she's right!" announced the stallion who removed his costume and make-up to reveal that it is indeed Cheese Sandwich himself.

"Oh my gosh Trixie, you are clever, that stallion has been using me as a fool the entire time!" exclaimed a relieved Pinkie.

"Thank you, sniffing out impostors is my duty as a member of the CID." the unicorn boasted.

"With a brilliant mind like yours Trixie, you could be something other than detective." Mayor Mare explained.

"Really?!" the unicorn's eyes went wide with awe. Suddenly, piano music began to play and a gospel choir walked into the courtroom. Trixie began to dance along to the music.

If I were not in the CID
Something else I'd like to be
If I were not in the CID
A window cleaner, me!
With a rub-a-dub-dub and a scrub-a-dub-dub
And a rub-a-dub all day long
With a rub-a-dub-dub and a scrub-a-dub-dub
I'd sing this merry song!

She mimicked the movements of a window cleaner and everyone in the courtroom, including Pinkie, Mayor Mare, Thunderlane, Bailiff Biceps and Cheese danced along. Suddenly, Pinkie jumped up on the table and began to sing.

If I were not before the bar
Something else I'd like to be
If I were not a barr-is-ter
An engine driver me!
With a chuffchuffchuff etc.

Everyone just looked at her strangely, the music wound down and Pinkie suddenly became the only pony dancing and singing. Maud Pie soon walked in and saw her sister being the only dancing. She gave a sigh and walked up to her, she proceeded to slap her sister in the face.

#1
The Larch

"Lanix," said Tree Hugger who narrated. "Lanix."

In the middle of Ponyville, a stallion with a nice suit and combed hair determinedly marched to his destination, his sofa and quill pen store. "This is Davenport, he looks like any ordinary pony in town." said the narrator.

Davenport walked into the store and flipped the 'close' sign to 'open'. "But Davenport has a secret identity, because when shopping trouble strikes, he is ready to become...SALESPONY!"

The stallion immediately ran to a couple who were looking at the various sofas he had in stock. "Should we buy this reclining sofa, or the Jordan Chaise?" asked the wife to her husband.

Davenport suddenly walked up to them. "How about I throw in no minimum purchase and no interest for FOUR YEARS!" he pitched to the couple. "I'll even throw in an extra 20% off if you buy a quill pen set!"

The couple were impressed and they took the deal.

"This stallion earns 90% commission."

"I came into his store expecting to buy a single love seat, but I instead came out with an entirely new Idol Collection living room set 50% off with no payments until 1016." said Lily Valley about the salespony Davenport.

"I scored big with a Darcy sofa, normally it costs ฿400, but I managed to haggle the price down to ฿100." said Noteworthy who lounged on his newest sofa.

Davenport then came up to another customer, two customers actually, twins, and extra attractive ones as well. "I see you are interested in this sectional." he said.

"Oh yes, the old one is worn out, so I really need a new one for the spa." explained Aloe.

"Normally, this sectional would cost you ฿660, but if you meet me in my office, you can slash that by as much as 90%, with a possibility of no interest for let's say...six years." he proposed with a smirk.

"Just like last time Mr. Davenport?" smirked Lotus back.

"Of course." he nodded.

They happily followed Davenport into his office.

This stallion is ready to smash Communism with his amazing salesmanship, wipe them out, smash those dirty red scum teeth, kill, kill, kill those dirty commie bastards, FUCK THEM! FUCK THEM UNTIL THEY DIE!

"BIG MAC!" yelled Applejack as she barged into her brother's room to see him on a typewriter. "Granny says to cut it with your fanfics and come down for dinner!" she yelled with annoyance.

Big Mac immediately stopped what he was doing, completely embarrassed. "Uh...Eeyup." he got up and followed her sister to the dinning room.

Little did the stallion knew, but Maude was close behind him.

Nurse Redheart walked into the pouliatrics ward of the Ponyville Medical Center, it was story time and all the foals waited patiently for her to arrive. Redheart walked to the group of sick foals and sat down with a book. "Are you foals ready to hear a story?"

"YAY!" they cheered.

The nurse smiled. "Great, now let's begin." she opened the book and flipped over to a random page. "Today's story, Ricky the Pixie." she began. "One day Ricky the Pixie went to visit his good friend Daniel in his tumbledown cottage. He found him in the bedroom in nothing but a jockstrap. Roughly he gabbed his heavy shoulders pulling him down on to the bed and ripping off his jock..." Redheart immediately stopped reading once she realized where the story was going, she blushed beet red. "Uh...how about another story instead?"

"YAY!" the foals nodded with agreement.

She turned to a random story. "Old Nick the Sea Captain was a rough tough jolly sort of fellow. He loved the life of the sea and he loved to hang out down by the pier where the stallions dressed as ladies called traps hanged around and..." she silently read ahead but quickly found that the story was no better than the last one. "Okay, how about another story instead?"

The foals looked on with confusion.

Redheart flipped over to another random story. "Rumpelstiltskin ran the Dinky Tinky Toy shop in the foot of the magic oak tree by the wobbly dumdum bush in the shade of the magic glade down in Dingly Dell. Here he sold contraceptives and ... sex toys?... naked? ..." the nurse quickly read ahead once again and found it...kinky. "HE SHOVED A BOWLING PIN WHERE?!" she yelled with shock.

Twilight Sparkle walked on to the stage. "The following sketch was written and performed by Lyra Heartstrings, BonBon, Vinyl Scratch, Octavia, Derpy Hooves and Time Turner, it's called 'the restaurant sketch', so enjoy the performance and we hope you like it." she proudly announced as the curtains rose to reveal a restaurant set.

Octavia and Vinyl Scratch sat across from each other at a table. They were on a date together. "Isn't this nice?" commented Octavia.

"It's really good, three Michelin stars you know?" she smirked. She took off her sunglasses to be more formal for their date, revealing her violet eyes.

"Really?" smiled the gray mare. "Thank you so much for making our date special."

Lyra, the waiter, walked up to the table. "Good evening madam and...madam...welcome to our establishment, and welcome back Miss Scratch, where's that other mare you took here last-" Lyra was suddenly jabbed in the side by Vinyl. "Oof!"

"Hey Octy, look through the menu and tell me what you like, the Oeufs en meurette is most delicious." commented Vinyl.

"But I do suggest the Gratin dauphinois, the chef makes the best crème fraîche in all of Equestria, I can assured you." Lyra suggested as pointed at it on the menu.

"That sounds delicious, we'll keep looking." nodded the white unicorn. "But before you go miss, my fork is a bit dirty, mind getting me a new one?" she asked as she showed her the slightly dirty fork.

"Excuse me?" asked a stunned Lyra.

"Just that my fork is a little dirty and that I want another one." stated the white unicorn with slight concern.

"Oh, I do apologize..."

"No need to apologize."

"No, I really do apologize, I'll grab the head waiter." Lyra quickly ran away with shame.

"Wait, there's no need to..." Vinyl saw that she was gone.

"That's...oddly polite..." stated Octavia who had no idea what to make of the situation.

Soon, Lyra came back with BonBon. The peach coated mare took the fork and immediately examined it closely. "Why, this is filthy Lyra, find out who washed this fork and fire them immediately!" she ordered Lyra.

"Wait, no, there's no-" pleaded Vinyl

"Better yet, fire the entire dish washing crew, to set an example." interrupted BonBon.

"Fired?! No, that's not what I-"

"Thank you for pointing this out to us madam, we appreciate it." thanked BonBon before turning to Lyra. "Tell the manager immediately." Lyra saluted and galloped off.

"But I don't mean to cause trouble." said Vinyl.

"I just want to apologize about being given a dirty, smelly, filthy fork, please forgive us." she bowed her head in shame.

"Smelly?!"

"Smelly and disgusting, this whole thing drives me mad with shame, oh, I wish I could just commit senpuku right here and now to show you how ashamed I am, ugh!" BonBon then ran off angrily just as the manager walked in.

"Good evening madam and madam, I heard what happened, mind if I sit down?" asked Time Turner, the manager.

"Yes of course." Vinyl levitated him a seat and Turner quickly sat down.

"First of all, I just want to apologize for the dirty fork." began Turner.

"It was only a tiny speck of dirt." clarified Vinyl was got annoyed by the amount of hoopla this whole thing was receiving.

"To you it may be tiny, but to me, it is a tall mountain in a puss filled wound!" he dramatically exclaimed.

"But I don't see it-"

"You know how much me and the staff have been suffering since we opened this place?" began Turner who looked like he was about to cry. "We are so close to paying off our debt, so damn close, and now this whole thing happens?! Damn it!" he pounded on the table with frustration. "Now I have to fire my dish washing brigade, and they're good ponies, granted half of them are either ex-convicts, sex offenders or both, but they're still good ponies!" he began to bawl his eyes out. "WHY?!" he screamed into the ceiling.

"Uh...you okay dude?" asked a concerned and uncomfortable Vinyl to the stallion that was crying.

"YOU BASTARDS!" Derpy came flying in with a chef's hat and cleaver. "YOU DAMN DIRTY BASTARDS! You made my boss cry!" she scolded with anger. "He worked hard to get this place up and running and now you ruin it with your stupid retarded critique?!" she yelled as she suddenly slammed her cleaver on the table.

"Derpy! Stop, before you hurt someone!" BonBon ran in to restrain Derpy, but she suddenly fell to the ground in pain. "AHHHH My encephalitis is acting up again! It hurts!" she screamed.

"It's the end!" screamed Turner who grabbed a katana and stabbed and disemboweled himself.

"TURNER! NO!" yelled Derpy. "YOU KILLED HIM!!!"

"Derpy...no..." weakly pleaded BonBon who was on the ground in pain. "We don't...kill...customers..."

Vinyl just uncomfortably looked around. "Well...I wonder how they would react if I said the knife is dirty as well?"

Boos echoed across the audience as they threw rotten tomatoes at the scene. The curtains quickly closed and Twilight ran back out to diffuse the situation. "Uh...that was the sketch, hopped you liked it..." she nervously smiled. Suddenly, Maud came up to the stage and walked up to Twilight. "Can I help you?" she asked Maud.

Maud said nothing and slapped Twilight hard in the face.

At a remote cottage, a mailpony flew in and knocked on the door. "Come on in, it's unlocked." giggled a female voice. The mailpony walked inside only to be met by the sight of a mare lounging on a couch, her back to the stallion. She turned her head over. "I was wondering if you could do me a favor and drop a 'package' off for me?" she asked in a flirty tone.

The mailpony stallion was in awe. Her blue mane, her cute freckles, her amazing golden coat. It was his lucky day. "Where do you want me to drop it." he dropped his mailbag and took his hat off.

The mare flipped herself over and spread open her hind legs, "In my mail slot, I hope it fits." she giggled.

But what the mailpony saw next completely shocked him. "Are those you're...you're...you're..." he quickly fainted from the shock.

"Ugh...I hate having these ridiculously large boobs." said Milky Way with annoyance.

October 19, 1010. Live from EBC news studios in Manehatten, it's the Equestrian Evening News at Six with Rarity.

Rarity sat behind the news desk and faced the camera. "Good evening, I'm Rarity, and here's today's top stories." she got herself mentally prepared and began to read the news. "Jia Qinglin, chairman of the National Committee of the Chinese Pony's Political Consultative Conference, announces the opening of the 7th China-ASEAN Expo (CAEXPO) in Nanning, capital of southwest China's Guangxi Zhuang Autonomous Region, today." as she read the news, several ponies storm the studio with guns and shoot everyone in sight. Rarity continued to read the news as if nothing was happening. "The death toll from Typhoon Megi in the Philippines rises to three as heavy rain falls on the island of Luzon for a second consecutive day." continued Rarity.

The armed ponies grab Rarity and drag her outside. "How much will she nab us in ransom money?" asked one armed pony to the other.

"Who cares, we'll just use her as a cum dumpster if she doesn't net us any money." responded the other as they threw Rarity into the back of a carriage. She still continued on with the news.

"An appeals panel at the court in The Hague rejected an appeal from his lawyers to dismiss the case. Mr Bemba is accused of leading militias in neighboring Central African Republic (CAR) in 1002 and 1003. The troops, which intervened in a power struggle in CAR, are accused of murdering and raping civilians. But Mr Bemba, 47, has argued that he was not in command of the militia after it crossed the border. Mr Bemba was arrested in Belgium in 1008 and extradited to The Hague. He is the most high profile suspect so far to be brought before the ICC. Tuesday's ICC ruling removes the final hurdle to the start of the trial, which has been postponed twice. The ICC says he will face two counts of crimes against humanity and three counts of war crimes." read Rarity, as the carriage she was in drove away through dense Manehatten streets.

"Ugh, she's becoming too annoying!" complained one of the ponies. "She's too much of a liability, let's get rid of her!"

"You're right." agreed the other.

"Mr Bemba led a militia known as the Movement for the Liberation of Congo during DR Congo's brutal civil war. After a peace deal ended the war in 1003, he laid down his arms and joined an interim government as vice-president. Mr Bemba lost a run-off election against Democratic Republic of Congo President Joseph Kabila in 1006. One of his defense lawyers has suggested that the charges against him may be politically motivated to remove Mr Bemba from future elections. ICC judges had been waiting for Tuesday's ruling before setting a trial date." she continued as she was dragged from the carriage and placed into a straight jacket weighed down with metal chains. They carried her over to a boat dock.

"In sports news, The National Hoofball League announces that it will suspend players for dangerous hits, especially those involving helmets-" she was thrown off the dock and plunged into the water below. Silencing her forever.

"Thank goodness that's over!" they breathed and sigh of relief and happily ran off back to their base.

And Now,
#1
The Larch

"Lanix," said Tree Hugger who narrated. "Lanix."

"Castanea" said Tree Hugger who narrated. "Castanea."

"So Rumble," asked Cheerilee. "Do you think you will be able to recognize a larch tree?"

Rumble just stared at her teacher blankly. "...I don't know..." was all he said.

Cheerilee then went over to another colt. "Okay, what's your name little?" she asked.

"Tender Taps." he answered.

"Taps, do you think you know what a larch tree looks like?" she asked.

The colt gave the exact same reaction before. "...the fuck?!"

"Ooh Miss Cheerilee!" yelled Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo in unison. "We want to-"

"Do the three of you know of any trees you can recognize from quite a long way away?" interrupted their teacher.

"Uh...actually..." began Apple Bloom a bit weird-ed out from such a random question. "We were wondering if we can see a sketch written by my big brother Mac!" the filly asked.

"A sketch?" she wondered. "What is it called?"

At a local bar in Ponyville, both Big Mac and Braeburn sat together at a booth. "Is your marefriend Cheerilee a...doer? Know what ah mean? Wink wink, know what I mean?" Braeburn slyly asked his big red cousin.

"Whut?" asked Big Mac with confusion.

"Is your marefriend...does she...well, go around town, know what I mean? Wink wink?" he winked.

"Ah sometimes think she does." he answered.

"Oh ah bet she REALLY goes around town, wink wink." he snickered.

"What are ya talkin' about cuz?" Mac asked, still confused.

"What does SHE talk about, ah bet she winks a lot." he giggled.

"Cuz, are ya tryin' to flirt with me?" he asked his cousin with concern.

"Flirting, flirting? Fantastic, fantastic, she must really get around wink wink." he giggled like a filly.

"Uh..."

"Does Cheerilee like gymnastics? Is she very...flexible?" Braeburn asked.

"Uh...maybe?"

"Oh, ah knew she must be freaky good." his smile grew bigger.

"She likes hoofball." Big Mac answered sincerely.

"Yee haw! Ah bet she does!" exclaimed Braeburn. "Does she play for the OTHER team? Wink wink."

"Sometimes she plays for the away team..."

"The AWAY team you say? hehe wink wink, ah know what that means." he had trouble controlling his laughter, his dirty mind could not get enough.

"..." Big Mac looks at his cousin strangely.

"Is there any...interesting....photographs of her?" he asked.

"Photographs?"

"Yeah, ya know, photographs of her...on the job."

"Uh...we don't own cameras." answered Mac with concern.

"Oh well, at least you have your memories." he snickered.

"Brae, are ya implyin' somethin' ah don't know!" he exclaimed.

"Uh...what...do ya mean?" Braeburn's attitude changed from giddy to intimidated.

"Well?" he placed his face up against his cousin. He gave his cousin an angry look.

"Uh...just wanted to know...if ya...ya...and she...uh..."

"OUT WITH IT!" he yelled with annoyance.

"HAVE YOU EVER HAD SEX WITH HER!" he yelled with desperation.

Big Mac calmly sat back down and took a drink of his cider. "Eeyup." he answered with a smile.

"How was it like?" asked Braeburn.

How to Recognize Different Types of Trees from Quite a Long Way Away stars...
in order of appearance...
Tree Hugger
Mayor Mare
Thunderlane
Pinkie Pie
Bulk Biceps
Granny Pie
Feldspar Granite Pie†
George Abbot (portrayed by Cheese Sandwich)
Trixie Lulamoon
Maude Pie
Davenport
Lily Valley
Noteworthy
Aloe
Lotus
Big McIntosh
Applejack
Redheart MD
Twilight Sparkle
Octavia Melody
Vinyl Scratch
Lyra Heartstrings
Sweetie "BonBon" Drops
Time Turner
Derpy Hooves
Milky Way
Rarity
Cheerilee
Rumble
Tender Taps
Apple Bloom
Scootaloo
Sweetie Belle
Braeburn

"Lanix," said Tree Hugger who narrated. "Lanix."