A not so very warm welcoming...(**)

"I have a job that pays me more in a month than you get in a year."

-Excision W33d

Somewhere above the landscape of USA, idk:

The clouds above the skies of earth were blue and mostly clean of pollution as a eagle was gliding through the air in seek for acceptable prey, to feed it's young.

With his sharp high definition eyes, the eagle found a white unsuspecting bunny far below him as it ate some grass . This would be the ideal meal to give it's youngs the nutrients they need.

However, before the eagle could dive down, it was sucked into the jet engine of a F-18. The plane struggled a little bit as grilled pieces of poultry exited it's engine, but otherwise it was unharmed.

Another warbird followed the F-18. It was a F/A-37, the latest invention of war technology and it looked like... well, did any of you saw the movie "Stealth"? With those fancy planes? It looked like one of them.

Inside the F-18, the pilot clicked on his computer to establish a channel to the F/A-37. After some waiting, the pilot of the newer plane picked up the phone. A male voice spoke and a hissing sound was heard in the background "Here's Darthvader One, what is it?"

"Here's Skywalker, just checking if everything is alright."

The pilot in the F-18 noticed the hissing sound. "Skywalker to Darthvader, I'm receiving some weird interference through your channel. Please fix that, I can't find the volume control and my ears are starting to bleed."

"This sound are my eggs." the pilot in the hypermodern plane stated bluntly. The pilot in the old wreck called F-18 (which was literally a wreck in comparison with the F/A - 37) paused.

"What?!"

The hissing sound increased for a second as the pilot answered. "I'm making scrambled eggs for myself."

The pilot, whose name was Spork, had set up a Bunsen Burner between his feet. A frying pan was placed on top of it as he turned a egg around, to make sure everything went golden brown. At the same time, he was controlling the plane.

"Why the fuck do you cook while on duty?" the other pilot asked.

"Because I'm hungry and you know what happens when I'm hungry."

"You turn into a diva?"

"No, but I can't think." Spork answered like it was the normalst thing in the world.

Spork was around the end of his twenties. His life had a bad start from the very beginning. He has been found in a crip on the very top of the Empire State building.  His father was a legendary pilot, because he could spray insectozide over the old family farm with his old plane in ten seconds flat.

The man in the F-18 sighed. "Whatever. Let's look at our objectives once more. What are we supposed to do in this mission?"

Spork took a bite of a egg and swallowed loudly that the channel cracked once. "Bomb the shit out of terrorists."

"Correctly. Let's do it." the pilot said and already was about to cancel the channel as suddenly his computer spat out a warning.

W4|2||!||6!!! \/\/347|-|3|2 7|_||2|3|_|13||(35 4|-|34|)!!! XDDDD!!!

"I can't read this shit! There are just useless numbers on the screen!" the pilot shook his head in annoyance.

"Turn Leet-mode off." Spork suggested.

"Oi, thanks m8!" the pilot said and turned of said mode...

WARNING! WEATHER TURBULENCES AHEAD.

The man looked up. Big giant menacing dark deadly lightning flashing clouds were right in front of the planes. And with 'right in front' I mean a few miles ahead. But thanks of flying with the speed of sound, this distance was closed rather quickly. And as faster they could shout "Fucking Cloaker!", they raced right into the storm.

"Fuck. Me. Sideways." Spork said as he dropped his head.

"Maybe later." the other pilot said. The channel was still on.

A strong breeze shook Spork's warplane and the remainig two scrambled eggs landed on his visor. "FUCKÉ! MAYDAY! MAYDAY! I CAN'T SEE SHIT! I'M BLACKING OUT!"

He should have known that eggs can end lifes rather quickly, in more ways than one. Before he knew what was happening, his plane was sucked into a swirl of lightning.

Colors were swirling, noises were going loud, and a squad of Delta Forces walked on a blanket made of pink cotton candy. Yep, Spork was not having a good, and mainly a lucid, day. And it will even get much worser for him, my dear audience (I like to break the fourth wall, because fuck logic).

But first, a change of scenery.

A few minutes earlier:

"Twilight, be careful!" a melodic voice rang through the air. It belonged to a equine creature named Luna.

Luna was a blue quadrupedal horse-y being and her precious princessy snout was right in the middle of her face. She had also a pair of feathery wings, which is rather impossible because wings are counting as limbs and hexapedal mammals can't exists at all. But hey, it's magic, I ain't explain shit. Plus, she had a long horn to control the magic.

She was currently in the royal garden and was taking a watchful eye over Twilight Sparkle, the princess of magic. Twilight Sparkle was also a impossible hexapedal being with a snout, wings and a horn. The horn was not long as Luna's, but it was certainly better than nothing.

"No, Twilight, don't eath that bug... oh by Celestia, thou did it again!" Luna facehooved. Twilight Sparkle used to be a smart and normal mare, until she completed a spell of a cheap ponified Merlin copypaste. The elements of harmony then killed her and it was Celestia's task to revive her. While she gained the body of a alicorn, her mind has been resetted.

This means she was a fully grown alicorn, but she has the mental age of a newborn filly. Her friends then abandoned her and Celestia took the retarded Twilight under her wing. The destiny hit again!

Luna also had a sister, named Celestia, which comes from Celly, which also comes from Jelly. She was the ruler of Equestria, a magical land where every human scientist can throw any physical law known to mankind out of a window. There is no need to describe her, everyone knows how she looks and acts like.

"But the bug was black!" Twilight shrieked and ate another bug, before a psychothic smile spread across her lips. "Black like my soul..."

Luna walked up to the princess and gave a bop on the back of her head. This caused a magical discharge from Twilight's horn and a portal appeared above the royal garden.

Luna smiled. "This is a splendid work, thou little scum. We are very proud of thineself."

Twilight clapped her forehooves together and giggled like a obese filly, as suddenly a metallic long thing rushed out from the portal. Luna watched it calmly as it grinded along the ground and crashed with it's front right into the castle.

"Is it Hearth-Warming-Eve already?" Twilight asked with tears in her eyes. "Because I need my coal!"

The glass panel part of the metallic thing opened and a bipedal being reared up. His big crossed white-yellow eyes were seeming to pierce everything with their cholesterine filled gaze and Luna felt a cardiarc infarct incoming.

It was a human. Luna knew them. They shoot themselves in a sport called 'Airsoft' and kick the shit out of each other.

The human stepped out of his plane with the graze alike a sack of potatoes... he stumbled, wailed his arms and fell out. He left a crater where he fell and a brick from the castle landed on the metallic thing (the (o) button is right next to the (i) button, you know?) and a gong rang through the air.

The human stood up and swiped the scrambled eggs from his visor. He then found his warplane deeply embedded into the walls of a castle and he started to curse like a monkey complaining about the color of a banana.

"VERDAMMTESCHEIßENOCHEINSICHKÖNNTKOTZEN!!!"

Luna and Twilight were exchanging worried looks (the latter one looked into the wrong direction), and Luna approached the human with caution in every step.

"Thou are okay?" she asked.

Spork wirled around as he heard the beautiful voice of a propably young woman and he turned around with a smile. But instead of a blonde girl, he found a blue pony with wings staring back at him. He blinked.

"We asked if thou are alright." the pony said.

Spork's panic set in and he unholstered his Berretta MOD. 92 A1 pistol and pointed it at the pony. "Stay the fuck away from me!"

Luna was old enough to realize that this piece of metal was NOT some kind of a drill. The way it was designed and the way the human held this device with both hands gave a clear away that this was a firearm. Alicorns are not stupid. If you walk through Canterlot with a M4 Carbine (or a Benelli Nova, if you want), you will get your ass kicked so hard that your grandsons will still feel the pain.

Luna smirked. "Thoes thou think thou can pull the trigger?"

Spork blinked. Before he could realize what happened, the pony dashed forward and grabbed the pistol with her forehooves. With a simple flick of magic in her hooves, she dislodged the slidestopper from the handle, dismounted the slide and threw Spork at the same time down to the ground.

Spork took aim at the pony again, but then he realized for the first time in his life that he could not fire a shot without the slide.

"Pathetic..." Luna taunted as she threw the now useless weaponpart at the human.

Spork could cry at the moment. He has been CQC'd by a mysterious pony.

But he would not go down without a fight. He wanted to die like his father, in a heroic way by crashing into a tree with a Group B rally car. His father last words were: "Fuck, I'm dying."

He stood up again and got into a defensive position.

Luna rolled her eyes and shot a beam of magic at Spork's head. He fell over as he groaned in pain.

"Headshot!" Twilight cheered in joy at the human's loss. Luna whistled and a group of dank ponies came by. Typo intented.

"Someone kill me now, thanks," Spork thought in shame as he was dragged away by a group of Night Guards.