Getting know to each other... or not (***)

"If you want to go faster, turn down the braking assist."

-Hint in WRC: RALLY EVOLVED

"Who are thou and what is thine mission?" Luna asked the human with anger in her voice. After Spork took a shower without ducking for the soap, he was brought to the discussion hall of the castle.

"I want to speak with your leader!" Spork slammed his fist against the table.

"I'm right here, y'know?" Celestia said with a raised eyebrow. She was sitting right next to him.

"Let us reintroduce us again. Everything moves so fast at the moment that I'm getting lost in the current." Spork suggested with a heavy sigh.

Celestia nodded and puffed out her chest in pride. "I'm Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria and goddess of the sun. I take care of this country and it's inhabitants."

Celestia; The Sun (Nicole Oliver)

Luna looked between her sister and Spork. She then introduced herself after a sigh. "We are Princess Luna, co-ruler of Equestria and goddess of the moon. We make sure every pony has a healthy sleep by entering their dreams and manipulating them for our own wicked deeds. And those ponies we don't like will suffer endless nightmares."

Luna; The Moon (Tabitha St. Germain)

It was then Twilight's turn to introduce herself.

"Hello, my name is Twilight Sparkle, and I am the princess of magic!" she shrieked from under the table. "Can we be friends?!"

Twilight Sparkle; The Magic (Tara Strong)

Spork looked under the table with a smile. "Yes, we can!"

Twilight looked at him with a beaming smile and crawled out from under table. She then sat down onto her seat. "Hello, my name is Twilight Sparkle, and I am the princess of magic! Can we be friends?!"

Spork blinked. "You asked that just a few seconds ago..."

Twilight's face changed to a mix of worry and sadness as she hung her head. "Oh my, I'm sorry. I didn't want to do that. You must know, my brain has a error..."

To punctuate her problem, she tried to tap against her forehead, but she ended up sticking her left forehoof into her right eye. "Ouch, why does my hoof hurt so much?"

Spork only shook his head in confuseness. "Whatever, my name is Spork and I'm a US Army pilot. I fight for the lifes of others."

Spork; The Pilot (Random Actor, idk)

"So, after that, I want to know what you are." he suggested.

Celestia took a deep breath in preparation for a long speech. "There are five types of ponies in total. At first there are earth ponies. They are boring, so we move directly to the pegasi. They have wings and control the weather by pushing clouds randomly through the air, nothing more and nothing less. Then there are unicorns who can manipulate the magical field around them with their horns *giggle*. And lastly, there are alicorns, we, with both wings and a long horn. We are depicted as deities, but the thruth is that we are long-living. In a few thousand years, we grow wrinkly and shit."

Spork nodded in understatement, but there was still number five...

"You missed the fifth type of ponies."

"Just wait, I was getting to that... and then there are changelings. They tried to steal all the love of Equestria..." Celestia said and closed her eyes in anger as she recalled the memories of the invasion.

Spork gasped deeply and clapped his hands at his cheeks. "So lemme get this straight... they tried to rob a bank for reproductive material?!"

Celestia opened her eyes again. "... yes. And just for reference, we talk about demons who steal children and replace them with their own spawns."

Spork blinked in confuseness.

"And then there are Changelings, the fifth type of ponies, written with a capital 'C'..." Celestia whispered in fear.

"What's with them?" Spork was sweating. There was for sure some nasty shit in this world...

Not in Canterlot, but still in Equestria, idk:

The hive.

There are many stories and rumors telling that every single pony who went in there for whatever reason never went out ever again. Probably they have been converted into a Changeling or otherwise.

But the true story is, that they came out from the other side of the hive and resumed their travel to the Griffon Empire.

And then there was Chrysalis, the queen of the Changelings. She was depicted as a dark and harsh ruler, who killed and tortured every non-Changeling on sight... not really in this order. Many were saying this kind of behavior was her nature, or she had a troublesome childhood. Others were saying she was paying too much for her hive insurance.

None of them are true, except the thing with the insurance. She was a kind and respected tall mare. And even she had needs. She just wanted a stallion or someone else who is willing to eat her delicious self-made brownies and to fill up all of her holes (take that how you wish).

And of course, to do some kinky shit in bed.

At the moment, she was negotiating with a dark shadow for some diabolical deeds or so.

"... And I was not thinking straight. We were hungry, and the other races discriminate us for no reason. Okay, the invasion was wrong and I tried to convert Twilight Sparkle, but now I'm a better mare. I even apoligized to Celestia and Twilight afterwards, but... they didn't take it very well. They still see me as a limited cockroach creature or so, idk."

Okay, she was not negotiating. She just needed someone to talk to. And the dark shadow of a stallion had always an open ear. She was laying on a rather comfortable sofa in all her hole-y glory while the shadow was sitting on a chair.

"You made some progress, Miss Chrysalis. I'm proud of you. But I think you should give the ponies more time to calm down. It has been just two years after the invasion and things are still messy, even more after Twilight's coronation. If you come by by all sudden, they think you'll try to assassinate her or something else." the shadow said in a deep shallow voice.

"Why in the everlivingfuckinghell I should do that?"

"How should I know? You are known as a insane queen."

Chrysalis sighed and rubbed her face with her holed hooves. Even she asks herself sometimes how she could walk on them. But in fact, they are just like a health bar. The more holes she has, the more worse her condition is. At that moment, she had 50 percent left. Everyone with CS knowledge knows this is more than enough to survive a round.

"I'm tired of everything. I just need someone to hug me, someone to give me his love..." she then looked up to the stallion with hope. "Can you give me this?"

The stallion sighed, but thanks to his deep voice it sounded like a tremendous burp. "Listen, Miss Chrysalis. You need to go out more often and meet some nice ponies, or griffons, or whatever. Before you die and end up like me!"

"How so?" the queen asked.

"You become a ghost. And then you can't touch yourself. And I'm over one thousand years old." the shadow moved his face closer to Chrysalis'. "Do you know how much pressure I have down there?!"

"You're a ghost?!" Chrysalis gasped.

The shadow let out a ghostly howl. "Wuuuhuuuhuhuuu... close your eyes... uuhuhuhhuuuu."

Chrysalis closed her eyes as hard as she can. "Okay, okay... but please don't pull away my blanket at night!"

The stallion began to hover through the room and took everything in his ghostly grasp. Personal belongings, pictures, bits, the PS4 (Chrysalis spend a s***load of $$$ to it), even the sofa Chrysalis was laying on was not safe from the ghost.

"Wuuuhuuuhuhuhu... now open your eyes and you will see the meaning of life..." the stallion howled.

Chrysalis opened her eyes and found her personal chamber empty and herself on the floor. "Nothing?"

"... eeexactly!" the shadow howled and noclipped through a wall. Fucking cheater.

Chrysalis sat dumbfounded on the cold floor and stared holes into her walls until her mother called for dinner.

Funquestion, what is scarier? A Changeling? Or when your friend threatens to do weird things with your smartphone?

Youtube Video

"I don't know much about them because I'm waaaaay too lazy to do a research in the seek for a peaceful coexistence. According to the german version of the Changeling queen, they suck off love instead of devouring it. She and her army caused a Breach Of Security a few years ago and tried to convert Twilight Sparkle later. But she has been defeated by the power of love... and no, I'm not going to make a cheap sex joke." she then wore a stern expression. "Do you know why Luna was that hostile towards you?"

"No." Spork answered and briefly looked to Luna, who watched him with narrowed eyes.

Celestia took a deep breath and the next words left a scorch mark in Spork's very soul. "She mistook you for a Cloaker. Foul, corrupt and para-military humans who gain power through the pain of others. They kick down any non-Cloaker and beat the shit out of them. They are a real danger for the population of Equestria. The changelings and the Changelings are one thing, but Cloakers are the pain in my ass."

"What we can do against them?" Spork asked.

Celestia hung her head. "Nothing. They are immune to magic, extensivily trained in CQC and know all tactics and tricks how to ambush us. Even the Changelings fear them."

Then there was a short pause...

"What now?" Spork asked. Celestia put her chin on her hoof and hummed a little while, before she answered "Better, you prove us that you aren't a Cloaker and help us to fight them."

"Understood. Where I should start?" Spork was ready and eager to show that he was a good human.

Celestia smiled as she summoned up a thoothbrush. "Clean the stallion's toilets."

A few hours and toilets later:

Spork went to the royal garden and swiped the sweat from his forehead. After the hard work, he has proven himself to be a useful human and was allowed to check for his warplane.

But it was only stupid that especially on this day, a school from a town called Ponyville had a vacation to the castle. And the venompurple teacher did not have any hold of the little toddlers as they climbed and jumped around on the F/A-37 like it was some kind of playground.

Spork did not care, because the fillies were not his own. And if something was about to happen, he could always blame the teacher...

A little orange pegasus filly with purple (or violet idk) mane touched the handle below the seat and suddenly she was ejected out of the plane and out of everyone's mind.

"Oh my gosh, Scootaloo!" two other short fillies shrieked. However, the teacher followed the ever shrinking dot in the distance with her eyes, before she stood straight and saluted once to pay the respects for the poor filly. Somewhere a trumpet started to play and all fillies were saluting, too.

Youtube Video

A tear rolled down Spork's cheek and he saluted, too.

The teacher and the fillies were then resuming their educational vacation and trotted away. Spork stood still for a few more minutes, then he climbed into his plane and checked if everything was alright. To his dismay, the fuel-meter showed "E", which meant "End". And the computer showed a demo of the game "Pong"...

*bep!* *bop!* *bep!* *bop!*

"Hey, Spork!" a feminine voice called. It was Luna.

Spork groaned. Luna was the last horse he wanted to ride... eh, I mean, to see. He climbed out and closed the canopy with a remote. The lights of the plane blinked twice and a beep was heard as the plane closed all locks.

"What's the status?" Luna asked.

"The plane is okay, but the fuel is empty." he grabbed something in his pocket. "Want some chocolate?"

Luna backed away. "Are thou trying to kill me? We have a allergy towards chocolate!"

Spork shrugged "You do miss something..." and he took a bite...

Luna's left eye twitched and she bucked her hindlegs into his stomach. The piece of chocolate shot out from his mouth and the projectile hit a Royal Guard in the head. The pony fell over. He did not get up.

"Headshot!" Twilight yelled from somewhere.

+420 (Rank up! Master Seargent of Super Seargent to the max!)

"We hope this thaught thou a lesson, human." she leaned in close to the whimpering Spork. "Never fuck with us. Not even literally."

The pilot said nothing and kept holding his stomach.

Luna shook her head. She remembered a time where ponies would took their lashings without batting an eye, hell, they stuck out their tongues at the princesses with pure willpower and after that they took even their beheadings like true stallions! Their stoic expressions remained on their faces until today...

With a grunt, she helped him up on his feets. "It doesn't need to be so difficult. Just follow our rules and nothing will happen to thou, hehehe."

Spork only moaned in pain. "I think my liver has a puncture..."

"Bullshit." Luna replied as they went into the castle. "Thou said thour banshee needs fuel? We have something that is much better than cerosine."

It took a little while to get to Luna's tower and Spork felt a little better after the walk. Lune let go of him, trotted to a cupboard and took out a bottle with a translucent liquid inside. She then took out two pots, because all of her wineglasses broke at one of her sporadic rage-seizures, and filled them up to the brim with the liquid.

"Here, take this." Luna offered him one pot and Spork took it.

"What is this?" he asked as he sniffed at the liquid. It smelled sweet, like honey.

"This is a liquid called 'moonshine'. We create it with pure moonlight and it is the purest liquid known to royalty." Luna said with proud.

"Well, that sounds interesting." Spork quipped as he took a sip...

"We hope it is to your liking for your use." Luna said as retching and a body falling to the ground echoed through the room. These sounds gained Luna's attention and she turned around.

Spork lay on the ground as he was experiencing the throes of a seizure as a mix of white foam and red liquid poured out from his mouth. Smoke came out from his nose and ears, but that was only a defense mechanism of his species.

Luna shook her head and set her own pot down onto her nightstand.

"Who said thou shall guzzle it? Moonshine is highly corrosive if not mixed with water!" she said angrily, then she stomped down on Spork's belly. But that did not help at all...

The main doors of the Canterlot Hospital slammed open and a bed was bucked down the hallway. On the bed lay Spork as he was groaning in pain and Luna galloped right next to the bed.

"We've got a emergency in our hooves!" Luna yelled loudly.

"What happened to him?!" Doctor Whooves asked, a sexy nurse stood next to him. Luna wanted to answer it was the Changeling's fault because they sucked off all of his love, but she did not know if Spork was a virgin or not, so she reconsidered her answer.

"A Cloaker jumpkicked him straight to the ground." she lied with a deep blush.

Whooves gasped. "And I thought his love was sucked off by Changelings... well, let's start the operation."

Spork was brought to a room and another sexy nurse came in with a bottle in her snout. Whooves took it, opened it and spilled some contents onto a spoon, before he put it into Spork's mouth. "Swallow it, this will make you to a hard stallion again."

"Doctor, do you know what are you doing?" Luna asked with a raised eyebrow. Whooves turned to her with a smile "M'lady, I own all episodes of Emergency Room on DVD. I know what I'm doing."

Spork suddenly spat the liquid out of his mouth. "It tastes like piss..."

Whooves gave a unfazed look. "Oops, and I thought nopony will notice it..."

And so ended Spork's first day in Equestria...