The young drake opened his eyes, he could feel his head resting agaisnt the pillow, he could also feel the blanket currently covering his small body. The sounds of his dreams could still be heard within his head, having his own bedroom was something he was gratefull for despite the destruction of the library, of course he did still miss that old place but as long as he could stay with Twilight anything was enough. The thought of staying in bed seemed tempting for him but he aknowledged the fact that Twilight and her friends had gone out on yet another quest, and as usual he was left out. Not that he would mind, he knew that it was just to keep him safe, and the castle needed to be taken care of while everypony was away.
Yet Spike could not help but feel like he would be extra weight for them, the more time passed the less needed his assistance was and sometimes he could not help but think about that, feeling unmotivated and kind of dull everytime it happened to the point that he just felt so bad he felt nothing, this feeling felt weird to him, maybe he was sick? Not that he could research it in case it was a mental illness as most books had been burned, the thought of the library made him also think of Twilight, he smiled to himself when analysing all the progress she'd made. A smile that had been taken away in a matter of seconds once he began thinking about how much does Twilight really need him, and further than that, if he wasn't Twilight's assistant then who was he?
He looked at the ceiling for a moment, aknowledging how far it seemed from the floor and how cold this castle felt in general, he'd heard a few complains about it by Twilight who seemed rather unpleased by this fact at first, but Spike had a different opinion, he was most comfortable now that his livings conditions were like this. Empty hallways, cold atmostphere, huge space. All qualities which reminded him of a cave, he wondered if the reason he liked it so much was because he is a Dragon, instantly feeling dumb for questioning it. "Of course it is because I'm a dragon" he thought to himself.
He moved a little in the bed in hopes of making himself more comfortable as the current position suddenly began to feel akward, his arm going over the edge of the bed and touching the floor. Upon feeling the cold touch of the surface on which the bed was currently standing he raised his hand, many thoughts came to his head while examining it. From the scales which covered his whole body to the claws, the young drake sighed when remembering the greed incident, those unpleasant memories had been haunting him for about a year, he just could not forgive himself after that, he feared that if he did he'd instantly sucumb to it and forget the progress he's made so far. That was the reason he made his dragon code.
He began to realize that he was avoiding the method of which all dragons grew up and in doing so he asked himself. Was he to be stuck his whole life as a baby dragon? The thought of eternal life seemed like a sad one for Spike, why would he want to stay alive forever, why would he want to see all of his friends go. Twilight was an alicorn now, did that mean she suffered the same fate? Out of all company she could have he feared Twilight would not want to spend her eternity with Spike. The thought of just being her assistant was already a dream to him.
And if he were to age would he become like the other dragons? Would he begin to hoard large amounts of objects in order to satisfy his unhealthy amount of greed? "No!" Spike denied his own destiny, he refused to become like all other dragons, he kept telling himself that he was a pony, he was raised by ponies after all and that made him not like other dragons. Yet his biology gets in the way of having a normal life, he felt conflicted about his own identity and maybe he will still be troubled by these thoughts untill the day he dies. He felt trapped under the hell that was his own mind, like a maze of which he had just woken up to and had no instructions to guide him through, to just keep going and hope for the best. That's what life felt like to Spike.
Unknowingly he had been tearing up for a while when he was contemplating his life, not that he cared at this point althought he was bothered by the sting in his eyes as well as the sudden headache that had been caused by the crying, he stared at the ceiling once more before beggining to close his eyes and hope to forget all of this frustration once he is able to wake up.
The thought of getting up and doing something useful had been banished, needing to drown the cries for help within his dreams, deep down he knew that he could not avoid these thoughts, but at least he could try. At least he should be motivated to do that one thing. Maybe then he'll feel useful.
The young drake still struggled to sleep, having a lot of thoughts within his head, trying to ignore them, the sooner he felt into slumber the better, and knowing his own nature it could not be that hard, he had to succeed at this one thing. Was he really that big of a failure? Was he so freaking useless he even failed at taking a nap?
More tears were coming out of his now closed eyes, said tear drops were falling down his cheek and leaving stains in the pillow like they usually did, he bit his own lip, an action which he immediatly regret due to his own fangs that despite the constitution his scales offered were still able to hurt him anytime he were to bite himself regardless if it is accidentally or on purpose. He silently cursed his own sharp teeth, the bite did not help him get any further relaxation.
He sighed in distress, getting up from his bed, feeling the cold floor once again with his little feet and walked out of the room. Perhaps cleaning up the now empty walls in the castle would help take away this horrible thoughts invading his mind.
Author's Note
Welp, I made myself sad.
