Agent Palmer: The case of the equestrian terrorist

Location: Sonora Desert, Arizona, USA

POV: Agent Palmer

Why does it got to be so hot out here? Out of all the days that I had to chase an armed suspect through the desert was one of the days that had to be 105 degrees. It didn't make it any better that I was carrying a large amount of equipment on me. But enough complaining I had to focus on the task at hand which was this guy, John Lesnar, had just shot at me and attempted to escape by running through the desert.

Anybody else would have let him go and wait for backup but I didn't to kindly at getting shot at so I immediately gave chase. What this guy probably didn't know was that I was an All-American running back for Northern Arizona University and would have probably been drafted had the attacks on September 11th not occurred. After that I immediately dropped everything and enlisted for the marines. In the marines I helped spearhead the attacks on Afghanistan and Iraq and also fought in both battles for Fallujah and after the second my taste for war had disappeared. After I left the marines I attempted to find new ways to still serve my country it was than that decided to go back to school and get a degree in criminal justice and after that I joined the U.S. Border Patrol.

I quickly climbed the ranks in the agency, even for a short time joining the elite BORTAC Unit before getting transferred over to the HSI Unit since the department believed that I would do more helping the department as a whole. I was assigned the title special agent in charge and assigned to the case of an anti-government militia member living out in the middle of the desert. The anti-government militia member that I was currently chasing through the desert. God, why couldn't this guy just stop already.

Eventually I got a break and John tripped over a hole and fell to the floor. As he laid on the floor I ran up pointing my handgun at him and shouted "Stay on the floor and keep your hands where I can see them!"  but right as I shouted that he rolled over onto his back and I saw him pointing his handgun at me. I just heard a bang and I saw a bright blue flash. Did I die, all I could see was white and their was a high pitched ringing noise.

Location: Unknown

Wait, I was beginning to see color, I was finally regaining my vision. As my vision began to clear up I could finally exam my surroundings but the first thing I did was exam myself. I looked at myself and realized that I was still wearing my uniform and I stilled had all my equipment including my hand gun and my rifle hanging on my back. After I finished finished making sure that my body was still in working condition I finally looked at my environment.

It was than that I realized that I was no longer in the desert but I was now in some kind of forest. It look a bit swampy too. While trying to wrap my head around this whole ordeal I began to hear voices that sounded like people talking. I decided that the best course of action after waking up in an unknown forest and hearing voices is to hide in the bushes.

After finding my hiding spot behind a large bush I began to watch the clearing I appeared in as I heard the voices get closer. Right when the voices got to the clearing I couldn't believe what I was seeing. There were three ponies, all of them some different color and all of them reached the height of my groin area. But that's were the similarities stopped.

One pony had yellow skin and a pink mane and WAIT are those wings, holy shit these are Pegasus. After I managed to refocus, I looked at the second pony who also appeared to be a Pegasus but had a rainbow mane. I than focused on the last one who appeared to be wearing some type of stetson hat. After studying them I began to listen in on their conversation.

"I think the birds said that the thing that scared them was over here" the pink mane one said. "Don't worry Fluttershy, if there is a scary monster out here than me and Applejack will take care of it" said the rainbow maned one and from what she just said the pink maned one appears to be called Fluttershy and the cowboy appears to be called Applejack, but two questions now remained unanswered what was the rainbow maned called and who was the monster they were talking about but those questions would have to wait because right there I think the monster question was answered. A large lion scorpion hybrid had just jumped out of the treeline.

I saw the the rainbow one and Applejack back up a couple but Fluttershy was just standing there staring at the monster, poor thing it was probably in shock. The environmentalist in me wanted to just let nature take its course but my other side was saying to help them out, eventually I decided to side with my other side and help them especially since they were sentient and could likely tell me were I was. Jumping out of my hiding spot and aiming my rifle at the monster I put four rounds downrange hitting the monster in its side making it roar before it toppled over. I looked back at Fluttershy as it just stood there quivering before it suddenly became stiff and turned its head in my direction.

She stared at me with hate filled eyes before yelling "YOU MONSTER". "Monster" I wondered " Didn't I just saved this pony from the monster".

I looked at Fluttershy and saw her staring at me with the same look it was giving the monster. I than felt like something was trying to creep into my mind like I was being put into a trance but I kept resisting it as I tried to think before I realized that it was Fluttershy causing this.

I than had two options either attempt to keep mind fighting the pony until one of use tired out or I could break her stare before deciding that the second option was probably safer. I had to break her concentration without killing her since I would probably still need their help after this. With the last amount of control I had over my body I reached down and upholstered my mace before pointing it at the the pony and sprayed. It was almost immediately that I felt the trance had disappeared.

As Fluttershy rolled on the floor crying and attempting to rub her eyes which only made it worse I saw the rainbow one begin to flap her wings and fly straight at me but with my quick reflexes I pulled out my collapsible baton and swung hard at the flying pony smacking her in the side of the head sending her flying in a different direction and and into a tree. But as I recovered from that fight I saw Applejack running towards me before turning around and bucking me but it didn't break my leg like a regular horse buck would but rather just felt like someone had punched me in the leg but deciding that I should return the favor I brought my baton down onto her back making her scream and collapse onto the floor.   But just when I thought things couldn't get any worse I saw a regular pony, a unicorn, one that appeared to be a combination of both a unicorn and Pegasus (alicorn I think they were called) and a short FUCKING dragon come out of the treeline. " Fuck me" I mumbled to myself as I saw their eyes open wide before being filled with rage as they saw me standing over their hurt and still screaming friends with a spray can of mace in one hand and a baton in the other.

The dragon was the first to attack but instead of attacking with a fire breath like I thought he would he instead chose to just run at me with his arms flailing. The dragon barely reached the height of my knee so I pulled back my leg and when he got close enough I let it go with all my might hitting him straight in the gut and sending him flying back into the treeline. I than saw my next attacker it was some regular pink pony with a impossibly puffed up pink mane. She than pulled a tiny pink cannon from places I don't think I want to know.

Just when I thought that I was going to die like some 18th century pirate, I heard the boom of the cannon but instead of what should have been a cannonball I opened my eyes to see a cake smashed against my face I than put away my spray and baton, wiped the cake off my face, and than pulled out my taser and ran up to the pony before sticking it into her side which made her mane stick up and made her shake before she finally collapsed. I was about to try and catch my breath before I remembered about the two other ponies but before I could react I saw the purple alicorns horn light up in a purple aura before I saw the same aura surround me. I became stiff and than I was being lifted off the ground but I than began to struggle against the aura which I saw was straining the unicorn since she was starting to sweat profusely and than I saw cracks appearing in the aura around me but right when I was going to break free I heard the alicorn shout "RARITY, HELP ME!".

The marshmallow unicorn with a purple mane than ran up next to the purple one and than her horn began to glow which caused the cracks in the aura around me to disappear and I heard the purple pony say "All right Rarity on the count of 3".

"count of three?" I wondered

"1" said the purple pony

"Please don't let this hurt" I thought

"2" said the purple pony

"Oh god here it comes" I thought

"3!" both the purple and the one named Rarity shouted at the same time

"FUCK YOU!" I shouted as I was sent through the air before I collided against something hard, I remained barely conscious for a few seconds before I blacked out.