“Are you sure you want this, Pinkie? I mean, after this I can’t go back, you can’t hold me back,” I warned. Sweat dripped down my face, soaking my fur and fluffing my mane. Pinkie looked at me, her eyes dancing with a mixture of delight and apprehension as she stared before her.

“Finish me Siege…” she practically begged me, her tongue hanging out; her body tense and quaking as she shuddered and whined, head buried into a leg. “Alright then… here it goes.”

I pulled back and pulled the one thing that could end it all right here, right now. “I PLAY MY POLYMERIZATION CARD AND FUSE MY FLUFFLE PUFF WITH GIGGLY PUFF TO CREATE THE ULTIMATE PINK EYES, POMF DRAGON!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Pinkie fell back with a scream, exploding with delight. Finally, she was relieved of the misery she had to sit through for the past hour.

I had truly thrashed her raw, she had paid me back in full. I had won a total of 4 games out of 4 and now all she could do was lick her wounds and run on home with her tail between her legs, minus of course the bag of happy dust that I had won off her.

“You truly are the King of Games, you are the ultimate trainer and I am honoured to have been severely plowed by your stupendous cardsmanship,” she said, making slightly no sense but then again, this is Pinkie Pie and also the 6th Chapter so what were you gonna expect?

“Quit talking to them and give me a hug, ya big galoot. I honestly can’t thank you enough for all that you have done for me with the Mayor and all that.” She grinned, wrapping two hooves around me and pressing her cheek to my cheek, squeezing me ferociously in a warm embrace that crushed my lungs and made me gasp for breath.

“Pinkie… you… are… killing… me,” I tried to say, but it came out as a kind of gurgle and taking note that my face had become as purple as Twilight’s plot, she released me and apologised. “Woopsie, guess the stuff I learned in Germaneigh during the war kind of left a lasting impression. Anyhoof, see ya later!,” she grinned and like a flash she was gone, breaking the front window and galloping off into the early morning.

One crazy mare…

‘Well, I guess the only thing to do now that I’m all alone is to-‘

“Actually, what was I supposed to do?”

’SHIT’ I exclaimed in my brain, today was the day of Twilight’s coronation… Also, I think I left the stove on in the human world, then again I guess I always hated my neighbours anyway.

*Flashback*

I was never accepted in my neighbourhood, ever since I tried to convert all my neighbours to ponyism on the fateful day of January 16th 2050. They, of course, called me a nut, a faggot and all the other hateful words that I had lived with for my entire life because of my religion.

There was the old lady upstairs. When I had offered her a stroke of my Twilight Plushie, she had looked at me, disgust evident on her face. She called me a sick freak of nature, akin to a pedophile that preyed on little kiddies at halloween and spent his time flashing Mom’s in the park behind the bushes whilst they took strolls with their children.

I had moved on, optimistic to find some young blood that maybe would understand my love of ponies. I mean young as in my age, not like… Young young… Anyway, so I found next door to me was a pro gamer, his name of course being XxXnotdonaldtrump420m8XxX and thought maybe he would be more inclined to gander upon my many pony wares.

He opened the door, his fat chin jiggling in the moonlight and he snorted in contempt; he called me an illegal immigrant, a blight on society, un-American and unchristian. He then activated his firewall, so that I couldn’t steal his internet connection anymore.

I knocked on another door and a gruff man with a stubbly beard opened it wearing a nice brown Sunday suit with a tipper fez on head, tilted just to the right degree to give the feeling that he… wanted me. Anyway, he took one look at my garb, my Derpy Toga, my Rainbow Dash bracelet, my AJ Stetson and my Sanic Slippers Gotta go fast. and his smile dropped… like the Tsar Bomba.

“You… you ain’t the hooker I ordered, are you?” he asked, in a kind of pleading tone that I wasn’t sure if I should feel relieved about or insulted. I mean, what was wrong with my body? Sure I had acne, sure I was a bit hairy, sure my boobs were bigger than Kim K’s… still… my Plushie collection was to dieeeeee for.

He shut the door in my face and I breathed a sigh of relief… or it could of been the doorknob hitting me in the ribs that seriously winded me and sent me sprawling for a good 20 minutes in chest pain as I contemplated yelling “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”

Whether this was probable cause for murder, I’ve never known to this day… Anyway, I moved down the hallway looking for some more cameos and wacky characters to pop up. Naturally, everypony turned me down and I began to lose heart at a rapid pace, mostly because I had a pacemaker.

I tried once more, hoping, praying to Celestia that there was somepony, anypony out there that would be interested in magical talking horses. Was it too much to ask? Enope.

The door opened, the last door on the 10th floor. I gazed upon the posters on the inside. My heart skipped a beat. I didn’t breathe, I didn’t think, I didn’t speak. Little Pet Shop posters were everywhere. All the action figures, all the plushies, all the Zoe.

I gazed into the well dressed mans eyes, the golden locks that came down to his ears, the baby blue eyes, the black fedora that donned his head. He was simply divine. “Do you like My Little Pony?”, I asked, in awe as I knew the answer could only be one thing. “What? The faggot show for little girls? Fuck no, LPS is the biz.”

I slammed the door in his face and stormed back to my room, thoughts of death on my mind as I cried in a corner for days and days with a bun baking in the oven.

*END OF FLASHBACK*

I decided, despite it being four in the morning, that I should spend a good five hours in a getting ready montage to the theme of ‘What a Feeling.’ Anyway, coming away from the wackiness that my life had descended into, I arrived at the base of Twilight’s Castle.

It was stupendous, it was fantastic, fabulous, marvellous, majestic, shiny and all the other descriptive words I could think of, which didn’t extend beyond the six I had just used, cursing myself for forgetting my Oxford Thesaurus 3rd Equestrian Edition at home.

I walked up to the door and knocked, surprised by the lack of ponies around, I mean it was early, but still. Spike opened it to my surprise, the doorbell going ‘ding ding ding a ling, ding ding ding, ding ding ding a ling ding a ling ding… ding.’

“Yes?” he asked quizzically, puzzled by my appearance it would seem.

“I’m here for the ceremony? You know? Twilight Sparkle’s coronation to Princesshood?

Spike looked at me like I was a mad pony, but that was yesterday and today was a new, coke free day. For me at least, not for Pinkie since I was pretty sure she needed that to live, but away from this tangent for now.

“Who? Sorry mister, you must have the wrong castle, there’s nopony named Twilight around here. I mean there was Starlight’s coronation yesterday, but as I said, that was yesterday and she doesn’t really want to be disturbed. Said something about rearranging her library and move her stuff in today. Also, her friends are coming round later so I’m afraid we can’t be disturbed.”

My mouth dropped and I stepped back in disbelief, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Was Spike joking? He wasn’t generally funny and his attempt to be funny this time fell flat, I mean how did he even know about Starlight?

It was a strange turn of events, it felt like a greater force was at work here, some higher power that I could neither understand nor reason with. “Have you… known her for a long time, Spike?”, I asked, wondering if I was going mad or if I was actually seeing the truth for the first time.

Spike looked up at me with a perturbed look upon his face, his claws drumming on the fine castle door that he slowly began to close answering. “Look mister, I don’t mean to be rude but I gotta lot of stuff to do and frankly your questions are creeping me out sooo, ciao.”

He shut the door in my face and rain clouds as if on cue, appeared above me. The rain began to pitter patter on the ground next to me, hitting my head at irregular intervals.

“Well then… I guess I’ll just go home and be alone… on my own.” It was almost as if a typically sad song should be playing in the background as I strode home. Almost to answer my prayers, smooth jazz was deployed and I tipped my Fedora, the rain soaking into it along with my three piece suit.

I pulled into a nearby bar and hung my hat on the nearest stand. Many ponies were present, drinking beer, wine and a few were hitting the hard stuff. I stepped to the bar and took a stool, a Sombra look on my face as I flicked my mane out of my eyes.

The barkeep, a rather portly looking gentlecolt, sized me up. “What’s yer poison?”, he asked in a gruff tone that emanated cancer. I looked up at him, lighting up a nice juicy cigar and spluttering “Double your best House M.D Whisky.”

He pulled a rather chunky looking bottle from under the bar and scowled at me. “Gotta warn yer’, this stuff kicks like a mule.” I looked at him, anger seething under my eyes. I looked up at him and ordered “I don’t care if it makes me forget my own mutha! I just need ta forget tonight, in fact leave the bottle!”

He slammed the bottle down and shrugged. “Your funeral,” he grumbled, trotting off to serve a pony who apparently hadn’t had enough. I took a long gulp of the brown liquid gold, fire burning in my belly, my throat charred from the burn and my mouth appreciative of the smokey aftertaste.

Then it kicked in, my world began to spin as she walked in. My first concern was she wasn’t wearing any clothes… Then again, neither was I. She pulled up next to me, lighting a cigarette with a sigh.

She was gorgeous, dressed in her satin scarlet dress, her white coat shining with a softness that seemed to go on for infinite and beyond. Her red mane was the texture of silk, which sparkled like the mane, every strand in perfect place. But damn though… her eyes.

Her eyes were the best. They were like pools of gold that sat underneath a red curtain, waiting to be shown, like a piece of exquisite art. She sat down and looked at me and I took another swig. “Easy there cowboy, save some for the rest of us, won’t ya?”

I looked up at her, she gestured for the bottle and I handed it over. “I’ll warn ya, might be a bit too much for a young mare like yourself to handle.”

She took three gulps in quick succession and smiled up at me, lipstick staining the bottle as she handed it back and I raised an eyebrow. “I ain’t no ordinary lady,” she smirked and alarm bells went off in my mind.

I took the bottle to go, donning my hat and trotting out of the bar, checking my pocket watch to see it was only 12pm. I took another swig of my bottle of happy juice and found a comfortable knoll of grass to lie down on.

I thought about how I’d been confused about something earlier, but I took another swig, trying to wash every memory of Spike, the worst best character in the show out of my head. “Buck, I love this,” I exclaimed aloud as I sang to the Moon above, even though there was no moon and the sun was up.

I pressed my shades up my nose and puffed on my cigar as my world began to spin.

Author's Note

We're back bitches.