The bedroom was very steamy from last night’s hot, spicy curry. Chicken Tika Masala honestly is the best food in Equestria and anybody who disagrees is gonna get beatin’s. As I shook off the disturbing dream I brushed the mane out of Bright Mac’s eyes, and tightened my grip on Pear Butter’s soft, supple buttery Rumpelstiltskin.

Bright Mac’s mane was a delicious red, his eyes a supple green and his coat a Chinese yellow that sang sweet and sour songs of my Cantonese upbringing. Pear on the otherhoof was a ginger.

I loved them both so much, ever since I arrived in Equestria 8 years ago, I had searched long and extra hard for a purpose in life. To discover why I was here? What the Gods, if there were any, wanted from my humble Chinese vessel? Why would they would takeaway me from my home in Yorkshire China?

Before all this, before I’d been transported, I was a proud soldier of the Golden Dragon clan. When our head chef was hit over the head, by an extra hard and stale spring roll, I had vowed to avenge him and the Golden Dragon Restaurant, from the nasty ethnic curry makers across the street.

Little did I know then.

I bucking love curry…

Still, Brighty and Peary were not like that. They respected each others clans and they didn’t let food items get in the way of their love… like I had…

*Flashback*

It’s over Anaconda… I have the high ground… The memories… they still came to me as clear as day.

It was Saigon, 1969, Vietyam… I was part of a Top-Secret Government Force called… ‘The Spring Rolls. We were hard to create, filled with knowledge and flavour that no other soldier could hope to possess.

Back then, curry was the least of our problems… It was the atheists. They hated God, they hated Chinese food… So we needed to show them the way.

My platoon was tasked with shutting them down.

Major Gordon Ramsay led the team. He was an angry, Scottish and overwhelmingly sexual patriot to America. I grew up… watching, waiting, commiserating over his instructional televised introduction to warfare. When he took on countless clans… it didn’t matter who. Uchiha clan were his biggest total wipeout and he bore the medal of Lenin with pride.

I remember her face, supple hair, loving eyes and beautiful raven black hair. God, I loved that dog. Kung Pow was her name, a lab from a city called Experiment on the fringes of the sane world… I fed her countless treats that I handpicked from my stock of tasty, succulent, caramel chicken balls Baked by my Father and his Father and his Father before that.

How I miss her… and Daddy…

9 Days in the jungle… we were running low on fried rice… we had a succulent, dry chicken but no seasoning… we were forced to put her down… my love… my life… to sustain ourselves… She was a delicious curry, flavoursome and yet… I still ended up spending 8 hours on latrine duty.

She made a hole inside me… I’d like to say heart-shaped, but she literally bit me… and not in a sexual way, that would be wrong, kids o_o.

I swore I would never eat another curry that day, no matter how tasty it was… also that I would never fall in love with anything that crawled on four legs again.

*Fin of Flashback*

I blinked and looked over the snoozing ponies whom I’d married 4 years ago, 3 times. The first had been Pear, her wonderful ‘personality’ and screen time had drawn me to her like a fly is drawn to a trap.

But Admiral Ackbar couldn’t save me this time. However, I cheated on her… for another… younger mare… okay a stallion, but still a fine piece of ass.

In the land Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, I forged in secret a Master relationship, with me as the Master, and this time I didn’t have to play some crappy dating sim, or read a book or something. It was hot, it was passionate, and it was extremely gay.

But it just made sense, in a way that I’ve never been able to make sense of.

Pear was broken OF COURSE and the divorce was messy. She got the house and I got her heart… I never forgave myself and when I married Bright; officially in Las Pegasus it just wasn’t the same, I started seeing her again… in my dreams… the wet ones, usually about horrific flooding in the Titanic.

I tipped my fedora when I married both of them, to the official dignitary of no religion who married me, to the sun above as it blessed my polygamous relationship with an awesome and sexy mare and a gay as fruit crackers stalliano.

I forgot about my hatred of curry, of the clans, of the brutal war we’d fought and died for in Mordor. Time heals, it’s the truth… but the scars will never leave me. The path I’ve been following for 8 years now is set, and I couldn’t walk it without a map… since I didn’t know the way without my two, sexi pones.

“Hey there,” Bright smiled, booping his snout against mine in the most adorable, squeeing way. It was incredible, but Pear seemed to wake up at the same time, as if it was her chance to finally get some dialogue.

“You know, last night was great… and whilst I’m still pretty full… you don’t think we could have seconds?” she winked at the camera, in a way I could tell I couldn’t say no…

I spooned her another heavy dollop of that cold, greasy and horrifically tasty curry. It was lying next to us, in the most seductive way… in a way it was our child… and we enjoyed murdering it every… single… Saturday night.

“Give me some,” Brighty whinnied, and I pushed a finger to his muzzle. Picking the spoon up and forcing it down his throat until he gagged and choked… I held it there for 10 minutes until his eyes watered and he looked like he couldn’t take anymore, before wrenching the curry laden spoon out of his mouth, a string of thick, creamy masala sauce between his lips and the spoon.

“What do you say!?” I commanded and he sheepishly blushed.

“Thank you…… sir……… Please sir… Can I have some more?” he fluttered his eyelashes like a boss and I scratched beneath his chin, lighting up a ciggy as I exhaled in his face… “You are a dirty little pony, aren’t you? Do you like the neighbours knowing you’re covered in Chicken Tika Masala? Do you like knowing that everypony in the neighbourhood heard your screaming as you sucked on each individual bit of nan last night?” I smirked and lightly smeared some of the delectable sauce on his chest.

“Pear… lick it.” I simply ordered… After all, I was the husband in this patriarchy. As they cleaned themselves up, I stood up and walked to the window, taking in the sight before me. Ponies stopped to stare at my glorious nude body as I flipped them off and blew smoke at them.

They didn’t understand… nobody understands… not even the bucking writers.

“Do you think… it’s time we moved?” I asked the loves of my life as they frolicked in spicy glory. They didn’t even stop their licking as Pear announced, “The world is at last your bitch, as am I. Nothing left but to grab it by the hair, bend it over and-”

Bright grunted and Pear frowned, demanding “What’s the matter?” “You seriously were about to say a naughty no-no… there are children out there!”

I ignored them and continued on my staring spree outside the window. Equestria… a lush land… ever since my comrades had betrayed me… hanging me… like a peking duck. I felt like a sweet and yet sour chicken… left in a sticky mess he hadn’t asked for.

I was the hero that Earth deserved, but not the wok it needed. Instead my dreams had come true… I let go of my anger, I let go of my hatred of any food that wasn’t Chinese. I let go of it with much hardship and vaping. But eventually I quit smoking for a month and found love.

it was a win-win, a victory for myself and for the clan.

But it was all soon to change… when another ring was made…

In the land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom… well… that was a story for a future time… for now I was content, with the fine plot I had… and the Apples and Pears I ate to the core every single day.

*In Madagascar 3*

Location, Location, Location: Zanzibar
Time: 18:22 EST
Place: Not Important

Harry looked out over the sea with his binoculars. After the ‘tragic’ death of the main protagonist that he’d witnessed, he’d seen an explosion of energy from the limp body that had subsequently disappeared. That could only mean that power was somewhere and being the anti-hero this story needs but will not get, he chased it down to this popular nudist beach.

Putting the Binoculars over his junk, he covered his privates and said to his Portuguese girlfriend and 2nd in Command Bad guy and cousin.

“We’ve got him…”

Author's Note

*Tune in next week for an exciting episode of ‘Arrested Development’ *