The Unlikely Trinity

Discord was seen flying in the sky. “Pinkie Pie you realize those were military grade rocks right?” Yubel said to the Pink Pony. Pinkie Pie held them a welcome to ponyville party and Discord got caught on the rockets.

“I don't blame her. She just wants to make you smile. The dying part is just a bonus.” Styx said cheerfully. He had had one too many shots of alcohol.

“That is what he gets for doing my job for me.” Pinkie Pie said with a frown, which instantly reverted into a smile.

The rocket exploded with a Discord smile in the sky. Yubel caught his burning body out of the sky. She had a blush at the way he looked all burned up. “I saw myself dozens of myselves, of Faust, there me’s conquering universes!”

“Wait Faust? Is that like a not so murderous version of Stalin?” Lucas asked in confusion.

“No, it’s basically the Queen of the gods.”

“Look, I know you like religion but that shit just ain't healthy.” Lucas retorted. “You'll start believing that there is a deity for everything. Even...breathing.”

“Didn’t we meet a god like two chapters ago?” Pinkie asked.

“SHUT UP Pinkie! Their minds can't handle what we see!” Lucas screamed.

“Besides you're being ridiculous, what is there a god of cheating?” Sunset asked

In the void a being felt someone say his title. He ignored it.

“Well, duh.” Styx replied, “That is how so many of us end up cheated on. Hah!”

“Ignore him, he has had two too many shots. And I don't think you want the answer to that Sunset.” Lucas said bluntly. “You'll probably go on a rampage. Well...another rampage.”

Discord was up wearing a red uniform with a strange symbol on his chest. “So then shouldn’t we be looking for hate filled magic shadow life forms?”

“No. Totally not. You're overthinking it. They're probably already looking for us,” Lucas said. “Let them come. And then boom! Admiral Ackbar!”

“How dare you say that in front of me!” Discord said

“You had that coming for dressing like that.”

“Look can we focus at hand we need to defeat them.” Twilight asked.

“Pinkie Pie? If they force me to go I pinkie promise, cross my heart hope to fly stick a cupcake in my eye that I will never smile again.” Lucas said as he did the motions.

“Ok good to know, no then I believe there is a way to defeat them we just have to head to the crystal empire with Cadance.” Yubel said taking point.

Pinkie Pie was hyperventilating intensely at what Lucas had just said. “NOOOOOOO!”

The Umbrum Queen looked at one of her subjects. “Has Sombra reported in?” She asked.

On that cue her son appeared. The Queen gave a glare at the scent on him. “Really? You had time with the demi-demon?”

“Well it was more of hate sex.”

‘You look like you enjoyed yourself.” The queen said simply. Boy she did not look pleased.

“Would this change your mind?” Sombra said pulling out the crystal heart there only weakness blackened.

“It may. It may not. How do I know that you didn't just make a new, corrupted heart?” The queen asked.

Sombra removed the darkness and the moment he did the Umbrum hissed at the feelings of love, joy, happiness that the heart gave off. It was the crystal heart and Sombra had found a way to block its powers. “How did you know how to block its...effects?” Umbrum questioned.

“Remember that Demi-demon? Well let's just say this.” He said to the black goo. “Came from her and I refined it.”

“Are those...her…fluids? Really?” Umbrum asked with incredulity.

“Yes, yes it is.” Sombra deadpanned.

“You're lucky they work. Otherwise my opinion of you would be much lower for keeping that.” Her tone changed, “You know what must be done.”

“I tried destroying it… turns out it can’t be destroyed unless a whole city's worth of negative emotions is channeled into it, luckily we have that as well, we just need to crush their spirits.”

“It isn't going to be as easy as you think. Not with them having more than one source of hope. You need to destroy their beacons of hope, in order to accomplish your goal.” The queen said.

“Which is why have stole this.” Sombra showed a spell written on ancient paper written in blood, in eldritch words. “Star Swirls forbidden prison spell so horrifying he considered it equal to Tartarus, but saw it as fundamentally evil.” Sombra said with a smile.

“I hate when they grow up.” Umbrum lamented.

“Hey you have to admit he is the Crown Prince and the queens son for a reason.” Another Unbrum said.

Suddenly the atmosphere of the room they were in got a lot darker, “You better not fail me.” The queen said to her son with a tone that promised unholy punishment.

“Oh believe me mother I won’t.” Sombra said, however inwardly he had his own smile.

“Pinkie why are you clinging to me so hard?” Lucas asked fearfully.

“I won't lose your smile!” She screamed.

“Pinkie let him go, trust me if he loses his smile I’ll have Discord give it back.” Yubel said

“Wait what?” Discord asked.

“I fucking hate this. You make me go everywhere with you.“ Lucas screamed at Yubel, “I don't need fucking supervision! I am an adult!’

“Really?” Pinkie Pie asked, “I thought you were a man child.”

Lucas suddenly detached from him Pinkie Pie and looked at her deadly serious. “Can you do me a favor? Something you would normally never do? Do this if you want your smile.”

“What is it?” Pinkie Pie asked hopefully even though she probably read ahead again and was in denial.

“STOP TALKING!”

“...Oh.” She said as her hair flattened.

Chrysalis came walking up with Cadence and a White Alicorn male. “Are we ready to go?” Chrysalis asked.

“One second. I'm not done.” Lucas turned back to Pinkie, “Stop reading ahead. And go stand somewhere very far away from me.” She sighed unhappily and stepped back ten yards. “Okay we are ready.” He noticed everyone glaring at him and simply flipped them off.

After a trip via train they ended up in the cold lands of the Crystal empire. As they walked into the city Yubel could feel something was not right. “Hold up… do you feel that?” She asked.

“All I feel is alcohol withdrawal.” Styx said.

“I feel a burning desire to kill someone for some reason.” Lucas said. “But other than that? No.”

“The Crystal heart is missing.” Chrysalis stated.

“I guess I do get to kill after all… Who did it?”

Several Shadows were seen in the distance.” Sombra was seen on a massive Crystal while his mother glared at them all. “Who do you think?” Sombra asked pulling out the spell scroll.

“Did I ever tell you...the definition... of insanity?” Lucas asked as he aimed his weapons at Sombra. He opened fire.

A crystal barrier popped up. “Mom hold them down so I can cast the spell.”

Lucas suddenly clutched his weapons extremely tightly. He wouldn't let that bitch take his weapons. As the queen wrapped around them Yubel thrushed ready to go full power and bet her again when suddenly the scroll glowed and a black hole opened up. The group floated up into it. With the queen as well.

“Trator!” She screamed.

“No mother I succeed you.” Sombra said.

“Holy shit! Fuck you pony Hitler!” Lucas screamed.

With that they entered the black hole and disappeared. Chrysalis blinked. She was the only one not sent into the black hole.

“Lucas we been over this killing them does nothing!” Yubel screamed as she tossed off the strange abomination off her. It looked like a pony but it was so wrong. “At the end of the day time resets for them!”

“Shut up Mom! You can't tell me what to do!” Lucas screamed. The mom part was said mockingly.

Yubel responded by punching him in the arm. “We need to get out of here! I had a way but you had to toss my deck at the Smooze!”

“I don't know. I quite like this. It is a great stress reliever. Now I know how the dictators and kings feel.”

“Oh sorry, I just want to get home to my little girl and her kingdom by all means let's stay here.” Yubel said with sarcasm.

“Wait a minute. I just realized something. We have been killing these things before they could even say a word. Hmm…” Styx said. “I wonder if they have booze.”

“What is booze?” One of them asked.

“Nooooooooooo!” Styx actually sounded exactly like Darth Vader.

Yubel tossed the “pony” into a pit. “So you with me at going home?”

“Take me to your leader if you want to live.” Lucas said in an Arnold Schwarzenegger impression to the ‘ponies’.

There leader came. It looked like a normal human girl. Who lived in evil ‘pony’ hell world. “Kill it like the rest.” Styx said.

“Wait a minute. A human...hmm.” Lucas said, intrigued. “What are you doing in this hellhole?”

“Stop Lucas, it’s an Eldritch Abomination in Human form.” Yubel warned.

“Same thing. Do you know Loki or Khorn? What about Tzeentch? Cthulhu?” Lucas asked the eldritch being.

“No i was banished y Lady Faust for being, “Evil beyond words’ and attempting to destroy the ponies for my own.” Yubel hit him in the head.

“Sounds fun. Do you have an omniversal phone connection?” He asked, ignoring Yubel. He pulled out his phone. “These idiots think they can escape without a phone signal.” He pointed to Yubel and the others.

“What the hell is a phone?” She asked.

“Oh you know...just a piece of technology that can call another from anywhere in the galaxy.”

“I won't allow any more technology then you see, if it more advance we destroy it…. then turn you into my ponies.”

“That is it. Merica Fuck U!” Lucas screamed as he opened fire at the girl with both his weapons. He fired everything he had at her with extreme prejudice.

She just got back up after being shot to pieces. “Fools! Nothing can kill me in here!”

“Hey you seen a deck of cards?” Yubel asked.

“Oh yes these?” she asked pulling up Yubel’s cards.

“Yes can I have them?” Yubel asked.

“Sure why not they are powerless.” She tossed it to Yubel.

“Uh… you are a fucking idiot. You actually fell for that.” Styx said with a facepalm.

“What you mean…” Yubel pulled out a card, “Return from a different dimension.” With that they all disappeared leaving the ‘human’ alone with her ‘ponies’

“You forgot about me!” The Umbrum Queen screamed at them.

Out of a vortex the group landed in the snow lands of Equestria. “You know I still can’t believe she handed me my cards back.”

“She is a fucking heathen. She never been to America. You guys and me… we are video game and cartoon characters there. What an idiot.” Lucas said absentmindedly.

“Isn’t Yubel from a card game from a Anime spin off of a second Anime adoption of a manga?” Pinkie Pie asked.

“Yep. Wow, they don't look happy about finally hearing the truth.” Lucas said as he saw everyone’s aghast expressions.

“You do realize everything on earth is also real right?’ Discord asked.

“That is what makes it so funny! I want to meet the Cyberdyne systems model 101 series 800!” Lucas said happily.

“So where is Chrysalis? She wasn’t with us when we entered the the hell dimension.”

“Um...Yubel. What you are about to hear...It will break your heart… If you have one that is.” Pinkie Pie said with a downcast expression.

“Pinkie… finish what you are about to say and I will eat your soul.” Yubel said calmly.

Pinkie Pie laughed, “Oh silly, I don't have a soul.”

Discord whispered to her. “I don’t think the bluff is working abort.”

“Mom!” Chrysalis said as she flew down.

“See? I was going to say she was alive. That is why it would break your heart.” Pinkie finished.

“Wow!” Lucas yelled at Pinkie. “Holy shit that is fucked up!”

Discord had on armor. “Everyone move far away from the pink one.”
Lucas grabbed Styx, Shining Armor and Cadence with surprising strength and teleported them next to Discord.

They screamed in pain except for Lucas since he had gotten use to it.

“Hey why is everyone…” Pinkie Pie for the first time felt true fear. Yubel placed her hand on her shoulder.

“This will only hurt… forever.”

(What happens next is too horrifying that there isn’t a rating for it.)

Yubel pulled out monster reborn and brought back Pinkie Pie. “You learned your lesson? Or should I continue?”

“Please no.” Pinkie said in a low voice.

“What. The. Fuck. You gave me a fetish for torture.” Styx said.

Everyone looked at him. They didn’t know what to be more disturbed about. What Yubel just did or the fact Styx liked it.