Author's Note

This chapter is rated P for Pinkie Pie

Chapter 4: 1 Star Wanted Level

"If there is a chance that our wanted ponies are in there then we must take it," Twilight stated matter-of-factly.

“Oh yea, going back to the everfree forest!” Rainbow Dash started.

“I’ll send a letter to Discord asking for permission,” Twilight started, deflating Rainbow Dash for a moment.

“You can’t be serious!” The pegasus mare asked.

“Section 4 of Everfree-Equestria Treaty, Element barriers need permission to enter Everfree, unless it’s world ending,” Twilight answered.

(An hour Later)

"Don't fuck with me and I'll make your death quick!" They heard as they reach the edge of the forest. It was the same voice from before.

Yubel rolled her eyes, “Speak up, Equestria can’t hear you,” Yubel shot back.

"Did you just try to flip me off with hooves?! Fuck you!" And yet another mythological creature died.

"Did you ever consider taking medication for your anger problems?" Lucas froze. He slowly turned around and stared at Styx blankly.

"Where the fuck would I get medication in this place?"

“I can make,” Yubel offered. She then pulled out a portable Alchemy kit, ”I have one of the greatest healing powder just need smashed manticore claw and rose petals.”

Lucas pulled out a manticore claw that was lodged in his arm, "Did not see that before..." Lucas handed it to Yubel, "And what kind of rose petals?" He asked in an eerily calm voice.

“Yes,” Yubel started to smash up the claw and added it to the powder. The petals were added and she smashed it up boiled the mush and put it in a bottle.

“So besides being a demoness and a mother of all changelings...you a botanist too?” Styx inquired.

"It's called an alchemist you idiot." Lucas said as he facepalmed.

“You know I’d had to be married to get this kind of verbal abuse.”

"Or maybe you're just a thief who bit off more than he could chew." Lucas retorted.

“Well you may have a point...or I have a trick up my sleeve that make me spit in death's face.”

"Did you finish my meds? I feel ready to punch Styx in the face for making such a horrible pun."

“They can’t all be cleaver.” Styx sat down waiting. Lucas and Yubel nodded at each other before they both punched Styx in the face.

“Ow! Fine, I’ll keep the commentary down a peg, just hurry up.”

Yubel handed Lucas the bottle as it finished cooling into a blue color. “Here, should keep all mental health, imbalances and even mass aggression down for around three to five hours depending on the person.”

Lucas downed the potion before singing, "I can see clearly now!" In a surprisingly good voice.

“That was unexpected,” Yubel said, blinking for a few moments.

Styx was about to make another ‘clever’ comment when he felt something in the air. He used his second magic trick, a enhanced vision that can detect living or magical things from a distance and threw objects.

“We got company coming from the west.” Styx announced to the two.

"Come on girls I heard it from here!" A voice said.

Lucas immediately went invisible and went into the shadows unseen. Styx however just hid in a bush about his size with hands on his sheathed daggers.

Lucas decided to mess around as soon as the elements and Twilight came into sight, "What the fuck are you kids doing on my lawn?!" He demanded in a Samuel L Jackson impression. Yubel was gone already though and wasn't seen.

“Another Alicorn? Wait six others… I can feel the lightning energies of the elements coming from them.” Yubel said as she back tracked to them feeling the Alicorn drop her masking spell for a moment.

“They aren’t ponies Pinkie.” Rainbow yelled at the Pink one.

"No fucking shit!" Lucas screamed in the same impression. "Stop fucking bothering me and piss off! I'm a goddamn war veteran! Respect your fucking elders!"

“Oh you were doing the guy who played Nick Fury!” Pinkie Pie said.

“What?” Rainbow Dash asked.

Lucas immediately uncloaked attracting their attention. "Another fucking reality warper?! GET OUT!!" Lucas screamed at them.

“I don't warp reality, I can see past the fourth wall!” Pinkie Pie said.

“Fourth what?” Twilight asked.

“What?” Pinkie asked.

"If you don't get your asses out of here and stop going on the internet I'll use my right to self-defense!"

“Wow...for a guy with stealth technology you really know how to bring attention to yourself...bravo, Lucas.” Styx made a slow clap with his hands as he left the bush he was hiding in to the ponies' surprise.

"He fucking did it!" Lucas waved his assault rifle at Styx.

“Oh, you want a piece of me human! Drop the gun and fight like the animal you are!”

Lucas shot at Styx as a warning shot. "He's the one you want. He is trespassing on my property!" Lucas yelled at the elements.

“Both of you stop!” A dark aura of fear covered Yubel for a moment. “You're acting like children!”

“You know how many times I arrange a plan or heist just for this nut case to blow the whole thing...which leaves me getting chased, shot at, stabbed, and one time he tried to trade me for a Rubare Pie.”

"Yeah, well you should know what a schadenfreude is then." Lucas said bluntly.

“Is this actually happening?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“I believe so Darling.” Rarity answered.

“Wow.” Spike said.

"Put the gun down Lucas!" Yubel ordered.

"He fucking talked shit about me!" Lucas retorted.

“I talk shit about everything...keeps my stunning personality sharp.”

Lucas shot at Styx in the foot. "Did your Mommy and Daddy not give you enough attention when you were a child?!" Lucas said in a Gunnery Sergeant Hartman impression.

“Ow!” Styx turned around and looked at his foot. Styx hated when this happened, so he did what he always do...he spit on the wound, to which neither Yubel or Lucas knew that his spit could heal.

"What is your major malfunction numbnuts?!"

Styx got up off the ground and turned to Lucas although Lucas noticed his eyes were glowing in an amber brown color for a moment. Styx walked to Lucas as said in a deeper voice…”I would like you to not damage this body...it's that last one I have.” Styx then snapped out of it and had no idea what happened.

"Fuck." Lucas went invisible and hid. "I don't want to get raped! At least not like this!"

“Anyway...what was I saying?” Styx had lost about a few moments of memory...again.

"You had a rape face!" Lucas screamed.

“Oh sorry...must have had something bad to eat yesterday.”

The elements looked at each other and then Styx, Yubel and where Lucas used to be. "We're supposed to arrest... them...?" Sunset Shimmer asked incredulously.

The Bad Boys theme song started playing on Lucas's phone as he appeared again. He answered it, "Yello? What do you mean there is no service in this solar system? Hello...? They fucking hung up on me!" Lucas yelled in frustration, oblivious to the staring, "I blame Obama."

“Who?” Yubel asked, she had no idea who that was.

Lucas stared at her incredulously, "What? Did you just ask who the President of the United States of America is?"

“Actually a valid question..I don’t know either,” Styx said.

Lucas looked at them for a few seconds and then laughed his ass off. "OH! This is priceless! It all makes sense now! You had your memories replaced!"

“Yubel, you might want to make more of that mental tonic for Lucas.”

"No! I don't think you get it do you?!" Everyone stared at Lucas in silence. "Loki sent us here you idiots! He erased your memories but not mine! That guy eating noodles in a cloak? Loki. That guy who talked to me while I was dead? Loki! Loki! Loki!"

“And let me guess...the guy who brought me here from the dead was Loki too?”

"Yep. You didn't really expect to stay dead around someone like that right? He may be a lower tier god but he is more powerful than the most powerful thing on this planet times at least a thousand. It's not exactly outside of his abilities."

“Look let's say I believe you...how does that help us now?...also.” Styx turned to the ponies just standing there to the side. “Did one of you say ‘arrest us’?”

The ponies don't say a word as they are likely processing our conversation. Finally Twilight shakily said, "Y-Yes. Loki doesn't happen to be a draconequus does he?" She asked in slight fear.

"Duh." Lucas said simply.

Yubel got in front of them. She held out a small coin with Discord’s Chaos star on it. “Sorry but we are currently on a mission for Discord, Cerberus is missing and the gates of Tartarus are left unguarded. If we don’t find him fast the Wendigo King will break free and we will all become frozen forever.”

"And that's why I have this!" Lucas pulled a decapitated Cockatrice head from his backpack.

Rarity fainted at the sight.

“Ah the old ‘use magical item to defeat a great evil’ plan...never fails...for the most part,” Styx made a remark at the head.

"If that doesn't work use gun!" Lucas pulls out his LS12 Ripper and unloaded it on the head. "See? Still dead!"

“Lucas! We still need the head or at least save the eyes...and maybe the brain as it would make a great stew!” Styx yelled.

Yubel simply glared at him. “You just shot the thing? That could drain it of its power!” Yubel screamed at him.”

"Then I'll just kill another one and bam we have another head!" Fluttershy, Twilight and the girls were horrified at this.

“Great now we scared the little ponies...why don’t you miniture horses go back to your stable, this mission is for creatures who can actually fight and live.”

Rainbow dash got pissed.

“Wait stop one of those six girls must be the element of kindness right?” Yubel asked, “All bearers of the element can calm Cerberus into acting like a puppy.”

"And I'm the element of surprise," Lucas said sarcastically. Everyone facepalmed.

“Let's hear what Yubel is talking about Lucas...The faster we get this done the faster we can find somewhere in this hell-scape that has alcohol.

"You realize I have alcohol right? I looted it from a dead body sure, but it's still good!"

“Let me see that!” Lucas handed Styx a bottle of port wine. Styx took the bottle and he took his time to savor the drink as it touched his pimpled tongue.

"Dude I just remembered how hideous your face is," Lucas remarked

“Good, then you have something to aspire to when you're older.”

“Are you both done? I can make you guys Alcohol by the way now then.” Yubel closed her eyes hoping but her hopes were dashed

"Not the cheap shit!" Everyone stared at Styx. "You may continue now."

“Each element has a passive ability, this six are literally the living avatars for them, this means the one with kindness can passive any creature, monster whatever, if she can get to Cerberus he will go from guard dog to obedient puppy and I can lare him back to the gates.

“Ah so we should kidnap the kindness pony and use her to get Cerberus...sounds like a plan.”

"No! I want to kill the fucking thing! America, fuck yeah! He left his country and went into ours! He's an immigrant! I hate immigrants!"

“Lucas see it from my perspective..we solve his little problem and there will hopefully be a reward...we might even get gold, jewels, even the beat alcohol in the universe if we play our cards right.”

Yubel was just about to call a space rock on them. “No Styx, that runs the risk of giving Cerberus dark harmony turning him into a Demon dog that nothing short of a reality warper or the elements could stop.”

Lucas stared at Styx like he was a hypocrite, "Styx, you also realize this makes you a fucking hypocrite right? You said you didn't want to piss off the princesses." Everyone stared at Lucas. He just stared back.

“Well things change..like if we save the day the princesses might pardon us...it happens.”

"AT WHAT FUCKING COST?!"

“Do you even hear yourself?” Yubel asked. “Discord will pardon us already.”

“See that's even better!”

Lucas walked behind Styx and then hit him in the back of the head with the butt of his rifle. "He was being even more stupid than me." Lucas said as he went back to where he was standing, ignoring the unconscious Styx.

“When did I become the sane one?” Yubel asked.

"I don't know. Wait shit I knocked him out after he drank alcohol," Lucas laughed. "He's going to have one hell of a hangover!"

“Are you three friends?” Sunset asked, She had a feeling no but somehow they seemed to be friends.

“Sure, we are The Unlikely Trinity,” Yubel said with sarcasm. Pinkie Pie jumped up.

“Glad to meet you, Unlikely Trinity we are the Elements of Harmony,” Yubel was speechless for a moment.

‘I was joking!’ She screamed in her mind. Lucas liked the name.

"You should stop screaming in your mind. It's annoying," Everyone stared at Lucas uncomfortably.

“Sorry, used my Telepathy for a moment at the sheer stupidity,” Yubel answered.

"Huh. Why is Cerberus being chased by a nine-headed demon with fifteen tails and spikes for arms?" Lucas asked as he stared at his phone. He saw the elements staring at him, "What? Ever heard of technology?"

“One, Cerberus is the most dangerous beast on the planet...He killed Cameras in seconds, unless you're talking about the rare Apex who are mostly frozen unless you go to volcano Xil…. god damn it.” Yubel cursed, “Did your phone happen to get a new screen from a weird glass?” Yubel asked.

Lucas stared at her questioningly.

A groan is heard and heads turn to Styx.

"What did I do this time?! Ow my fucking head!" Styx complained as he clutched at his head.

‘You got drunk then knocked out,” Yubel said bitterly. Tossing him some moss. “Eat it, it will help, though it will make your muscles feel on fire for a whole day.”

Applejack was about to interject about lying but Yubel shot her a withering glare.

“Thanks…” Styx ate it and his headache felt better but his muscles did feel weird.

"New screen?" Lucas finally asked Yubel.

Yubel simply took it from his hands and looked it over. “How did you even get this? This glass shows the most likely future should you fail to complete a task… it’s so rare this much could buy you a nation.”

"Oh... That's what Loki upgraded!" Lucas said in sudden understanding.

“Fantastic..so where do we go to stop this likely future from happening?”

"Let me try something," Lucas said quickly. "Hello Galaxy."

"Hello! How may I help you?" The phone asked. The ponies stared in shock.

"How much time do we have have to complete our mission?"

"You have two hours." The phone replied.

“Ok enough standing around, Volcano Xillia is around three days by train…. past the badlands.” Twilight answered.

Lucas got a shit-eating grin. "Lucas no! Not that! Not the teleporter!" Styx screamed.

“Teleportation? Only Discord could cross that length via that.” Twilight pointed out.

Lucas laughed darkly. "This teleporter deatomises you and reatomises you at faster than light speeds to your destination. One thing though. The process is extremely painful." Lucas says with a sick grin.

“Wait what about the person’s consciousness is it where it’s stored in energy?” Pinkie Pie asked.

"You are basically dead for less than half a second." Lucas said with that same shit-eating grin.

“Who gave you that machine anyway?” Yubel asked.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

“Loki?” Yubel asked.

"Eh it doesn't matter." Lucas dodged the question.

“It was him wasn't it?” Yubel asked.

"It doesn't matter." Lucas dodged again.

“You realize that if you do teleport me that way you run the risk of destroying it right?” Yubel said with a raised eyebrow.

"Who ever said that you would be using it?" Lucas asked bluntly.

“If you're using it I could cast a track summon spell to get us all there by following you.” Twilight answered.

“Unless it fails.” Yubel countered.

"It's a good day to die hard!" Lucas screamed in pain as he activated the teleporter and disintegrated in front of everyone.

Twilight casted the spell and soon they all appeared. Right in the air ten feet above him. Yubel, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy and Twilight instinctively flew the rest landed on Lucas. “How did you mess that up!” Yubel demanded.

They immediately jumped off him. He was laying on the ground barely breathing. "It's a good day to die." He chokes out blood before falling unconscious.

“Come on you lightweight...we got work to do.” Styx said tapping him. Lucas unconsciously shoots Styx in the foot ten times. Yubel decided to awake him. With a heart warming smile…. she shoved a Fire Flower into his nose causing his sense of smell to burn at his brain… and then came the fire.

Fire came out of Lucas's nose and hit Styx, setting him on fire and making Lucas start twitching uncontrollably. “Was sure that would work, oh well.” Pulling out a card she channeled magic into it. An H appeared over him and he shot up almost burning with energy.

"I'm wide awake, excuse the fucking pun." Lucas said.

“How did you do that?” Twilight asked.

Yubel held the card. “H - Heated Heart.”

"At least you didn't shoot me and leave my dead body like that last asshole." Everyone looked at Lucas like he was insane.

“What are you even talking about?” Sunset asked.

"Oh. My adopted father shot me in the back and said 'I've always tried to protect you son. I'm sorry I couldn't be that person' before shooting me in the head." Lucas spat.

"What scares me is that he isn't lying..." Applejack said shakily.

A howl could be heard as the three headed guard dog was seen glaring at them. He looked at Yubel and looked like he was absolutely, completely ready to kill her.

Lucas pulled the Cockatrice head out and made it stare at the dog, turning him to stone slowly. The guard dog struggled but was unable to move his lower body. However once Ybel had a smile he broke out and attacked her. Yubel blocked the strike with her arms the effect transforming to the dog who got back up. “I forgot to mention… He kinda hates my guts.” Yubel added. “You toss one boulder into him and he hates you for life.” Yubel mumbled.

"I would hate you too. Boulders are cheap." Styx said.

“Can you get the Element of Kindness here? I don’t want it to accidentally kill itself trying to kill me!”

“Yeah and apparently me using guns isn’t a good thing. Who knew? Taking out your problems by using a gun on them is apparently not a GOOD IDEA?! SERIOUSLY?!” Lucas ranted.

“Oh shut up. You just like to kill things,” Styx argued.

“Can the Element of Kindness PLEASE GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME CALM THIS DOG DOWN?!” Fluttershy whimpered but complied.

As she spoke up in a soft voice the guardian of the gates glared at her then suddenly started to soften and started acting like an overgrown puppy.

“I call hacks,” Lucas and Styx said simultaneously.

“I call Element of Harmony,” Yubel said with a smug look.

“I call bullshit. She didn’t even hit him!” Lucas retorted. Everybody just ignored that comment. Except Fluttershy.

“Sometimes a little kindness is all somepony needs.”

Lucas acted out the motions of dying before falling to the ground and acting like he was dead, “Drama Queen,” Yubel remarked.

“That’s King to you!” Lucas screamed at her.

“Oh how silly of me I’m just a hermaphrodite I don’t know genders.” Yubel said rolling her eyes.

“Awkward. I really don’t think I like where this is going.” Styx said.

“Oh… Did someone have a crush on the herm?” Lucas taunted. Everyone looked at Styx.

“Shut the fuck up.” He retorts.

“You didn’t say no!” Lucas laughed his ass off and his arms started shaking.

“I have no words for you other than you are an ass.”

“Good to know.” Lucas said with a smirk. “If you know what I mean.” Every female in the vicinity blinked at that before a few of them blushed.

In a flash Discord appeared. “Finally I found a loophole! I can teleport out of equestria!”

“Hey Dissy? Did you fall for the trap?” Lucas started laughing his ass off again before going invisible. Everyone’s blushes got worse.

“What are you talking about?” He gave a slight telepathy sweep. “Oh that I know, hell I’m genderless.” Discord answered.

“Oh shit! Two traps! It’s a trap! Ackbar! We have a problem! Get us out of here!”

Styx just now noticed something though, “Wait a minute, OH FUCK I’M STILL ON FIRE AND STILL BLEEDING FROM TEN GUNSHOT WOUNDS! AHHHHHHH!” Styx started running around screaming.