The Unlikely Trinity

Yubel jumped back after Lucas shot up. He backflipped away and pointed his sidearm at Cadence. “What the fuck did I do to you?!” Lucas yells at Yubel.

“Ok one, you don’t want to shoot at her, that can cause all sort of messy stuff, and two you realize this is far more delicate than you think right?” Yubel asked.

“And you realize we are right under Canterlot right? In a place where it is still possible for an element or the princesses to find out exactly what is going on. So, remove the evidence.” Lucas says, more coldly than he intended.

“Well seeing as we just left a room full of dead guards and assaulted the princesses...we might want to not do anything that adds to the list on are most wanted posters.”

“But they don’t have to kn… Why are we under the castle courtyard?” Lucas says suddenly as his OWL drone hovers above him. Yubel looked around. Somehow they were teleported into the castle. However Yubel could see it wasn’t Canterlot Castle.

“Wait a minute… This is a different castle… OH SHIT! Not that one! Please don’t be! No!” Lucas starts freaking out. In a flash appeared a mix matched entity, he was the Lord of Everfree Forest as it was known. Discord, the deity of Chaos.

“You know. I really thought that that would be more climactic. But you know what? We can’t all have… Or can we? You come to rescue her?” Lucas asks as he waves his sidearm around. Styx just stood there and watched as this odd scene played out in front of him.

“Loki is still much stronger than you. I could call him… If he had a fucking phone. Seriously why doesn’t he have a phone?!” Lucas rants.

“Ignore him.” Styx says.

Discord did and turned to Yubel. “Sorry my dear I was only trying to get you, the crystals interfered with my spell… who are they anyway?” Discord asked.

“Hey. Dissy, you have a duplicator or a wikipedia book or something? Anything?” Lucas asks. Discord just stares at him.

“Can read your minds via telepathy.” Discord answered back.

“Great...nothing like a little mind-rape to complete the day.” Styx said

“Eh. I’ve had worse. Try having amnesia. It’s really fucking fun!” Lucas says.

”Well if that sounds fun you should try having every goblin share there thoughts...hard to think with a thousand voices telling you to do stuff...thank goodness that mind fuck ended.”

“Eh. You guys probably live in an age of endless fighting with magic and swords and shit. At least we kill each other with real weapons unlike your shitty blades!” Styx and Lucas continued to play ‘who had it worse’ as Discord and Yubel just watched.

Discord turned to Yubel. “Should I banish them to the sock puppet Dimension to be safe?”

“Banishing won’t do anything but make me want to kill you more. And trust me, I’ve died before. If I can just come back like before, than I will keep trying to kill you until the end of time. And trust me, that shit will get old for you.”

“Or I could turn you into stone and though you into the void between galaxies.” Discord deadpanned.

“Like, I said. I’ll just want to kill you even more. And I will come back eventually. When you have forgotten about me.”

“Well now that we are all in a pissed off mood let's talk…”

Lucas stares at Styx incredulously before slowly backing away from him.

Discord just shook his head. “Look I felt Yubel get free and wanted to speak to her.”

“Oh yeah, we did that. Well, I’m the one that found out she was in a painting but yeah, Styx cut her out of it.”

“So what? You wanted to talk about then?” Yubel asked.

Discord gave a sigh. “I wanted to fill you in on what has happened, look I know our relationship ended on troubled terms, and in my defense I didn’t know the Smooze though you were a gem alright.” Discord started. The two got the strangest feeling that they werewere once… together.

“I am not going to picture how that relationship panned out, demons and chaos spirits...thats some crazy magic there.”

But Lucas wasn’t saying anything at all. He was messing around with his phone. After about a minute of silence he realized everyone was staring at him. “I’m trying to call Loki! Stop fucking staring at me!”

“I don’t think that thing can contact anything beyond this planet where is this “Loki”?” Discord asked.

“You know, the void.” Lucas says nonchalantly.

“The Void between star? Galaxies?” Discord asked.

The phone ringed, “Oh one sec I gotta answer that.” Lucas put the phone to his ear. Before immediately putting it away from there and ending the call. “Ok… I don’t even…”

“What?” Yubel asked.

“Don’t ask. You will have a fucking aneurysm. Even you Discord. Don’t think about it. And the scary part? It actually made sense.”

A strange letter appeared in Discord’s talons. “Oh it’s from the Tartarus guard, let’s see.” Discord had glasses and started to read it.

Dear Discord, your dog is not guarding his post, Love Guard number 3.

“Cerberus!” Discord screamed.

“Hey Styx? Did you bring the backup cyanide pill? If we die I want it to be quick.” Lucas says randomly.

“What? You didn’t say anything about that?”

“Oh… I think I was talking to myself again.”

“Maybe you should stop interrupting everyone when they are having a moment?”

“Do you even know what’s happening? Cerberus isn’t guarding the gate to Tartarus, you know where the greatest threats to the planet are jailed?” Discord deadpamnned.

“Yay! I get to kill more things!” Lucas starts emptying his pockets until all his weapons are on the ground.” He sighs. “Shit not enough ammo.”

“There are only two prisoners in there, one of them you literally can’t harm physically let alone kill, the Wendigo King.” Discord started.

“If using gun doesn’t work at first then use more gun! And if that doesn’t work use even more gun! And if that doesn’t work! Have sex with it! Wait no not the last one… Wait. That doesn’t sound physically possible.” Lucas shakes his head.

Ignoring the interruption Discord finished. “And Tirek the former prince of a distant land.”

“Well, if you need me, I’m going to be complaining about the government.” Lucas says as he picks up his weapons and walks away but not before kicking Cadence in the muzzle.

“If you can get Cerberus back here unharmed I can pull some strings giving you all full pardons from all crimes committed.” Discord offered.

“Does unharmed mean beat the shit out of him until he’s an inch from death and then bringing him to you and letting you completely heal him?” Lucas yelled from the other side of the chamber.

Yubel rolled her eyes. “No Cerberus is magical resistant.”

“Who ever said that we would be using magic?” Lucas says sadistically. He gives a laugh almost identical to the Joker’s.

“No I was pointing out if you hurt him we can't heal him, my gods he a big dog... “ Yubel started.

“You guys suck! I’m going to go kill someone! Call me from the radio if you need me Styx.”

Discord blinked as he walked the wrong way. “He knows that way has nothing alive save my puffer vines right?”

Lucas pulls out a grenade and throws it at the walls, blowing them up and walking through. “Why the fuck did they make these damn walls so thick?!” This repeats for two minutes until he is completely gone.

In a flash the wall was repaired. “Now then anyone want to get Cerberus?” Discord asked.

Yubel glared at him. “Why can’t you?”

Discord sighed pulling out the Everfree-Equestria Treaty. “Section 5, Discord can not leave unless on a official diplomatic visit with the royal sisters, in hindsight I shouldn’t have asked them to add that… but I was distracted.” Discord said defensively.

A ghastly scream was heard before a gunshot silenced it. “Your friend has issues. You know that right?”

“Oh he isn’t my friend…. wait no one lives here right?” Yubel asked.

“Only Criminals live out in the forest, Zecora the only true inhabitant lives in the castle with me, she’s a zebra shaman trying to keep the forest contained.” Discord answered.

Another scream was heard along with a burst of gunshots this time. An explosion was heard right after that along with even more gunshots and screams.

“I’m starting to think it was a bad idea to leave him alone…” Styx says.

“Don’t worry he is actually doing me and Equestria a favor with those bandits, if he leaves the forest without my permission he will be automatically teleported here.” Discord waved.

Right after Discord said that Lucas appeared in front of them covered in dismembered body parts, blood, gore, and had blades sticking into his armor. “Whew! That sure got the blood rushing!”

In a snap the gore became balloons. “Sorry can’t have blood in here, don’t want ants.” Discord said.

“Well I’m keeping this trophy.” Lucas said as he pulled a Cockatrice head out of his backpack.

Discord wrapped it in tin foll. “You do realize that things still potent for around three days after decapitation right?”

“I know! I can use it as a weapon now! When this thing runs out of juice I’ll just kill another one!”

“When it runs out of juice the people are set free… or it explodes…. I don't know they been eating the puffer vines.”

“Eh. I’ll have to put in a timer and wrap this in anti explosive materials as well as try to splice some of the traits. And put the stoned victims in a place they can’t escape.”

“Traits they gained that from…” Yubel had enough of that and tossed the head far away.

“There problem solved now then let’s get the dog!” Yubel demanded.

“Right after I kill another Cockatrice.” Lucas says in annoyance.

“NO!” Everyone screamed simultaneously. Yubel dragged him by his armor.

“But stoning the dog would make things easier!” Everyone blinks at that.

“Would that even work?” Styx asks incredulously.

“Maybe…. I never tested out my dog’s powers to there fullest….” Discord said, thinking.

“Why the fuck else did you think I was getting a cockatrice head? For a sex toy? No. I needed a trump card.” Lucas says angrily.

“You could have told us!” Yubel screamed at him.

“Well Discord could you teleport another cockatrice in here in a cage or something?!” Lucas demanded.

Discord snapped his talons and there appeared one with a blindfold. “This one is domesticated, I think.”

Before anyone could react, Lucas was already behind the cockatrice. A loud crack resounded as he snapped its neck. “I don’t take chances. Not after that first cockatrice.” He decapitated the head, spilling blood onto the floor.

“Great now then, head out down the hall and to the right then fall this map to the forest edge, don’t go left that’s where Sunset and the Elements defeated Nightmare Moon essence months ago!” Discord exclaimed.

“If worst comes to to worst I could just shoot them or their elements.”

Discord looked at him like he was insane. “You think you can harm the elements?”

“No. I think I could shoot the elements off their heads, disrupting the process and go invisible, giving me time to escape.” Lucas retorted.

Discord whispered to Yubel. “Yeah he’s going to get everyone killed, watch him.”

“You really think I didn’t hear that? I have a drone hovering above your heads you dummkopf (fool).” Lucas laughed. “Besides, nobody knows about me, only Styx. The princesses never even saw me when I shot them or after.”

“Wait how did me talking about the fight from months ago equal this?”

“Well, you basically just inadvertently mentioned that the elements would be somewhere around here. So now I’m prepared.”

“No I said not to go to there Nightmare Moon was defeat!.” Discord retorted. “Dark magic waste is still leaking from there.”

“One word. So?” Lucas retorts.

“It means if you're not a demon, under the protection of the elements or have divine blood in you it will be a fate worse than death.” Discord answered. “Or was it you'll get possessed.”

“So?” Lucas asks, not fazed in the slightest. “That’s what this is for.” He points to the drone that is still hovering above their heads. “And it’s armed to the teeth and only listens to me. Unless you are in a technological golden age I doubt that deathless entities who can possess and torture will do shit if this thing isn’t even alive to begin with. It isn’t even magical.”

“Question do you even understand magical theory?” Discord asked.

“Yeah because I’ll totally understand something that nobody bothered to even mention.”

Discord gave a sigh. “Just don't go in there.”

“Oh don’t worry about that. I never actually said I was going in there. I just played with your words to make you think I was. Besides, this magical bullshit is a waste of time to someone like me. Not like I could use it anyways.”

Somewhere in the multiverse a machine looked up from his desk blinking. He went back to work on his many mechanical wonders.

“Do you even listen to what you say before you keep talking?”

“Yea. Wait what? Are you saying I can use your fairy tale powers or some crap?”

“Hello what you think powers their helicopters and other stuff like cameras?” Discord asked.

“Technology. Science. Reality. Different laws of a different universe.”

“Magic.” Discord answered.

“Nope. Laws of science. Besides I don’t see any of those here.”

“You could see the trains right?” Discord asked.

“Dude. Those things are fucking ancient and powered much differently than the ones from my world.”

“They aren’t powered by steam engines.”

“Yeah. But guess what! We didn’t need your magic where you could literally break laws with it. No. Do you have any idea what would happen if we had our technology but magic as well? Everything would die. No ifs, buts, or ands about it. Dead. Everything.

Back with the robot from before he had the urge to slap an idiot. “Why do I feel like doing this?” He said finishing his peacekeeping force.

“And by dead I don’t mean losing their lives. I mean we literally would not be the same. The present would not exist the same way. The timeline would be rendered unrecognizable because if we advanced at the same rate imagine how much faster we would if we integrated magic. Too many things would change.”

“You done? Because I get the feeling you might have angered something.” Yubel asked.

“Oh. I wasn’t even aware I was talking. I just let the words fall out while I was thinking about something.”

(Meanwhile)

The train stopped as it’s passengers looked on at the ancient tower. “Wonder why Twilight called us.” Spike asked reading on the back of a yellow unicorn with red and white hair.

“She didn’t say.” The unicorn remarked in confusion.

“Maybe it’s another ancient evil, like a reality warper from long past that was
turned to stone.” A pink pony said jumping.

“Pinkie there's only one reality warper on the planet, Discord and he isn’t evil.” The yellow unicorn said rolling her eyes.

Somewhere else in the general area screamed in frustration at someone’s stupidity.

“Well did your letter tell us why Sunset?” A white unicorn with purple hair asked.

"Yeah. Ah reckon we would be much better off if'n we knew what ta expect." A yellow Earth pony with a stetson hat points out.

“Good to see you're all here.” Appearing was a purple Alicorn. Twilight Sparkle, Sunset Shimmer’s teacher.

"Hello teacher lady!" Pinkie Pie said.

“Hello Pinkie Pie, now you all heard about the museum break in right?” Twilight asked.

"Well duh! Everypony has! I still don't know who the second pony was! But the first one was obviously Styx." Pinkie says, oblivious to the stares of confusion she was receiving.

"What do you mean there was another pony?!" Twilight screamed.

“There was a second pony coming out oh and then a demon lady was flying over the city.” Pinkie pie said with glee.

"And what happened after that?"

"Oh! He almost killed the princesses with this automatic stick thing that shoots at thousands of miles per hour!"

“You realize Celestia and Luna can heal from that… right?” A rainbow Pegasus asked.

“Wait demon lady?” Rarity asked.

“Yubel, mother of changelings.” Twilight answered.

"He wasn't trying to kill them! Otherwise they would be dead and no Sun and Moon! He shot them in the wings silly!" Pinkie calmly continued.

Everypony gasped in horror at this conclusion.

"N-no sun or m-moon...?" Twilight whispers.

“Anyway why did you call us?” Sunset asked.

“Princess Cadance has gone missing.” Twilight answered.

Before they could continue they heard extremely loud screams and gunshots echo from the forest. "Oh no! He's in there!" Pinkie screamed as her eyes went wide.

Twilight wasn’t afraid. Like Pinkie Pie, Discord had a carm around the forest nothing leaves without his permission.

But unfortunately that law didn't apply to dead things as a dead manticore flew into the train and slumped on the ground in a bloody mess. Twilight and Sunset didn’t blink as Discord had every now and again gone on a rampage tossing the corpses of hunters out his forests.

"You weren't a cockatrice! And now you're fucking dead! Eat shit jackass!" A few more bullets lodged into the manticore after the unfamiliar voice spoke. After that no more gunshots sounded off.

“Well that happened.” Pinkie Pie said.