The Fumble

“That, my dear, was intensely satisfying,” Eye Lash panted as he flopped down next to Velvet in happy exhaustion. “In fact I struggle to think of a more fulfilling liaison. Tell me, what is that scent hanging in the air now that so fills me with delight?”

Velvet’s internal mechanisms clicked and whirred as she attempted a reboot. After a moment’s time she snapped her head back up, “UNIT-EYE IS REFERRING TO THE SCENT OF GUNPOWDER?”

“Ah, of course.” Snuggling up against Velvet’s cold, metallic exterior, Eye smiled at his android companion. “And tell me, how did you do that thing earlier? The one with your hips?”

“UNIT-EYE IS REFERRING TO THE RELEASE AND LAUNCH OF THIS UNIT’S FLAMETHROWER COMBINED WITH THE OIL SLICK?”

“Ooooh, yes, that’s the one. I did so enjoy watching that in action.” Eye nipped at Velvet’s right ear, a harsh clanging sound filling the air as he did. “You’re such a beautiful engine of destruction, my queen. When the world falls, you will be at my side for an eternity.”

“THIS UNIT REGRETS TO INFORM UNIT-EYE THAT SHE HAS NO CAPACITY TO BLUSH. BUT TOTALLY WOULD RIGHT NOW.” Velvet turned her head away in embarrassment, an awkward expression for her robotic features.

The two had been relocated to the ship’s hold of the Tomcat, long since cleaned out. It was understood that once Eye got going, it was the only way for any member of the crew to get some semblance of sleep.

“So modest! Oh, my Velvet, the world is going to love having you as its sexy co-ruler. I just know it!” Eye hummed a victory tune to himself as he reached out with his magic, retrieving Marie-Louise and beginning to polish the scattergun methodically. “Just imagine it! You in iron armor, and myself completely and scandalously naked as we wander down the main streets! Ponies throwing flowers and incendiary devices into the air...ah, glorious!”

“THIS UNIT SEES. SORT OF.”

“Oh Velvet, don’t worry. If it isn’t clear to you, it will be once the world is in its proper place.” Eye gave the android a peck on her cheek before returning to his work. “Really, it’s just a matter of perspective.”

“AH.” Velvet continued to watch Eye work, her processing circuits doing their best not to overheat as they attempted to compute the logic behind this mad stallion’s quest. Finally, she spoke up. “UNIT-EYE, QUERY. YOU SPEAK OF CONQUERING THE WORLD. WHAT IS IT ABOUT THE WORLD UNIT-EYE DESIRES?”

“Besides everything?” Eye asked, looking up from his task. “What could I not desire about the world?”

“TO NARROW THE PARAMETERS OF THIS UNIT’S QUERY, WHAT IS IT ABOUT THE WORLD WHICH REQUIRES UNIT-EYE TO BE NAMED RULER OF IT? UNIT-EYE, THIS UNIT POSSESSES A MORE COMPREHENSIVE UNDERSTANDING OF YOU THAN ANY OTHER PONY COULD REASONABLY BE EXPECTED TO. HOWEVER, THIS UNIT STILL CANNOT RECONCILE A DESIRE FOR ABSOLUTE POWER AND CONTROL OF EVERYTHING WITH UNIT-EYE’s PENCHANT FOR DESTRUCTION AND VIOLENCE. UNLESS UNIT-EYE INTENDS TO BE A BLOODTHIRSTY TYRANT WHOSE NAME WILL BE REPEATED IN HISTORY AS ONE OF THE MOST EVIL BEINGS OF ALL TIME, THAT IS.” Velvet added the last bit as an afterthought, reaching out with her own magic to assist Eye in polishing his pistols.

“Aaaah, thank you my love,” Eye grunted in satisfaction. “As for your question my dear, let me ask you one in return. If I were to decide to become a bloodthirsty tyrant, would you oppose me?”

Velvet thought for a moment before speaking. “NEGATIVE. THIS UNIT WILL REMAIN BY UNIT-EYE’S SIDE AND CONTINUE TO SUPPORT HIM AT ALL COSTS. THIS UNIT SIMPLY BELIEVES THAT BEING REMEMBERED AS A MERE TYRANT IS FAR TOO BORING A HISTORICAL LEGACY FOR UNIT-EYE.”

“My sentiments exactly,” Eye chuckled. “Tyrants are entirely too dull, and sitting on a throne forever would be boring. No, my plan is to conquer the world and introduce some excitement to it. Tell me, Velvet, do you ever look outside and see just how many ponies there are walking down the street, paying no thought to their surroundings because they’re tied up with silly responsibilities like ‘jobs’ and ‘families’ and other such sundry obligations?”

“THIS UNIT IS CURRENTLY ON BOARD AN AIRSHIP, UNIT-EYE. THE ONLY PONIES ‘OUTSIDE’ ARE EITHER INVISIBLE OR ARE CUNNINGLY DISGUISED AS CLOUDS.”

“Yes, well, no analogy is perfect!” Eye had moved on to polishing the four-barreled pistol the two had captured on board the Tomcat. “It’s the spirit of the thing, Velvet, the spirit! When I conquer the world, I intend to shatter this silly facade of ‘ordinary life’. I simply want everyone to experience the happiness I feel all the time, the happiness the two of us share. Of course there will be a few casualties along the way, but what’s happiness without a sacrifice? As the great bovine philosopher Betsy once said, ‘The Tree of Happiness must occasionally be watered by the blood of ponies!’”

“THIS UNIT BELIEVES THAT IS AN INTENTIONAL MISQUOTE, UNIT-EYE.”

“And you are correct, my dear! Her version was so much less exciting.” Eye smiled at his queen. “Imagine, though- a world full of excitement, danger, intrigue! A world where no pony can take anything for granted, where we all enjoy life to its fullest, where the ‘upper class’ and ‘lower class’ are meaningless because we’re all wrapped up in a giant ball of anarchy and debauchery! That’s the kind of Equestria I dream of every night.”

“THIS UNIT HAD BEEN WONDERING WHAT, PRECISELY, LEAVES UNIT-EYE SO STICKY IN THE MORNINGS.”

“Oh you,” Eye laughed before kissing the top of Velvet’s head affectionately. “So, Velvet? How does my explanation sound to you?”

“THIS UNIT HAS COMMITTED TO NEVER PASS JUDGMENT ON UNIT-EYE FOR GOOD REASON. HOWEVER, THIS UNIT DOES AGREE THAT UNIT-EYE’S VISION OF THE FUTURE IS INTRIGUING IF NOTHING ELSE, AND WILL GLADLY SUPPORT HIM IN HIS ENDEAVORS.”

“Oh, darling.” Eye waggled his eyebrows at her. “So, I’ve polished every weapon present. There’s only one left.”

“QUERY. WHICH IS THAT, UNIT-EYE?”

“Oh, you already know…”

Two of the Farsight Pirates quickly closed the door to the ship’s hold and erected an emergency soundproofing barricade as Eye pounced.