A band of sky-pirates lets a slave they rescued into their crew despite constant red flags. A trail of bodies and violated weaponry soon leaves their wake as they picked up none other than Eye Lash, aspiring world emperor/mercenary/sex god.

Their crew is almost immediately bolstered by a bisexual ex-noble, a child genius, a young con-artist who thinks she's in the Mafia, and a vulgar kangaroo because Eye can't stop recruiting everyone he meets. Together, they somehow fail at taking over the world so hard they accidentally foil a plot to dethrone Celestia.

(This story is set hundreds of years in the past, in a grim, bleak, and dark alternate universe where flying airships are common, slavery is everywhere, and, perhaps most terrifyingly, kangaroos exist. However, if we’ve done our job correctly, you won’t need to read anything else to understand it, and in fact trying to read the fic it's parodying or its sequel will just make you way more confused.)

Co-written with ScarletWeather, with RingmasterJ5, Sigma EXE, and supercomputer276 providing story ideas and proofreading.