A Non-Pony's Guide to Conquering Equestria

After a few minutes of relative awkwardness, Jeff introduced himself, "Hello my good sirs, I am Jeff Gunderson, former Statesman for the USA, now a resident of Hell. Cause of death, a truck driver who forgot to hit the brakes." Jeff remarked in his most formal of tones, managing to sound sarcastic despite not meaning too. "And who are you fine gentlemen-er, gentle horses...?" Jeff questioned.

"My name is Hilfon Klevroski, a specialist in the spetsnaz, I was killed by a bomb,” the grey pony said, observing his surroundings, which included the pony freaking out.

“I... hello?” Joe said, still slightly panicked. He sighed, “Oh my god, I really need a drink…” he said while rubbing his face with a hoof.

"I'm afraid that's going to have to wait; we appear to be stuck in a forest in the darkest depths of hell." Jeff responded.

“Hell?” Joe asked, mostly to himself, “Wait a minute, I got mugged!” he looked down at his foreleg. “And they stole my watch!”

"Yes, you probably got shot or stabbed, it's a shame really, you sound like you had an easy life." Jeff sounded dejected. "Where's the Russian man? Hilfon, I think?"

Hilfon came out of the brush to their left, "Comrades, I think I heard people," He whispered while looking back towards where he had come from.

"Lead the way, perhaps we can find some help, and not get dissected in the process." The former Statesman replied jovially.

Hilfon gestured with his hoof to follow him while Joe stood up on shaky legs, movingov toward the oddly accented horse. “I guess it’s better than sitting in this creepy forest all day.” he muttered to himself.

"You need to adapt faster." Hilfon shot toward Joe while trotting away, with Jeff not far behind.

“You need to adapt faster.” Joe mocked, “What a load of bullshit.”

Hilfon turned around and started to walk toward Joe, "Didn't you get shot, because I was blown up while saving a comrade,” He stopped in front of the slightly smaller alicorn. “and I can make sure you die here too, so don't mock me when I am giving you advice."

"Alright men, no need to fight, not here of all places." Jeff placated, prodding them forward. "Do lead us to civilization, Hilfon, if you'd please."

“Yeah, yeah, what the fuck ever; lead the way, tough guy.” the brown maned alicorn mumbled, only annoyed by the death threat.

"If you knew my history you would be more quiet." Hilfon said with a huff; Joe’s only response was a roll of his eyes.

Hilfon started to walk to where he heard the voices. ‘What did I do to get sent here. I always kept the peace, payed my taxes....' he intoned to himself.

After Hilfon's remark they walked in silence for a good few minutes, before the familiar rumbling drone of a crowd was perceived. Jeff was getting his hopes up, maybe hell wasn't so bad as to let them restart at life. Finally, a small rustic village came into view, After pausing to observe for a few moments  the group started forward, but a pink blur of a horse stopped them with a very audible gasp.

"OhmygodmoreponiesohthiskeepsgettingbetterandbetterImeanonenewponythismorningwasgreatbutthreemoreponiesisevenbetter!OhIhavetogoplanyour'welcometoponyville'party-' she was cut off by an angry spetsnaz tackling her.

“Jesus Christ, Hilf! You can’t just assault every living thing you see!” Joe shouted.

"Force of habit, I tend to tackle anything that pops up unexpectedly in my face." Hilfon snapped at Joe. Right as Hilfon began to pick himself up off of the smaller pink pony she was gone in a bolt of excitement.

"Did she just... Never mind." Hilf said in a confused sigh, wondering if this place even bothered to follow the rules of logic.

"Wholly unexpected, but not unappreciated to know that the denizens of hell are not malevolent." Jeff remarked, in reference to the pink horse from before.

“Not malevolent? She’s probably running off to tell the horsey police or something!” Joe exclaimed.

"She seemed awfully happy; maybe she thought my tackle was a great, big hug." Hilf said sarcastically, dusting off his fur with a shake.

Before any of the three could say anything else another horse had approached, an orange pony that bore a reminiscence of a rural southerner of the USA. "By golly, ah never seen an alicorn in real life, and ah never thought I'd see three in tah same place, stallions to boot, ah thought alicorns were only mares. Ahm AppleJack pleased to meet ya, yer majesty's." The newly named AppleJack spouted before staring with awe and proceeding to do an awkward bow.

Hilfon eyed the pony carefully as if he was expecting a fight, but calmed when he figured she wouldn't attack. "I am Hilfon Klevroski, a specialist in the spetsnaz, or was." Hilf winced, remembering the 3 seconds he had before he met his doom.

"I'm Jeff Gunderson, pleased to meet you, AppleJack and do stop bowing if you please, I have no idea why you are." The farm mare stood up in a rush at his request.

“Uh, hey, My name’s Joe; Joseph Tremblay, actually.” He said, reaching out for a hoof shake. AppleJack took Joe's hoof and shook it vigorously, "Strange names fer ponies, but ahm not in a position to judge, and it looks like you come just in time fer the Summer Sun Celebration! Follow me, yer highnesses."

She quickly started to trot away, and the squad closely pursued the farmer. “So is the Summer Sun Celebration some kind of party?” Joe inquired, hoping to get the aforementioned drink he craved.

"You don't know? Well looks like ah get to introduce you to it, ah can't believe you've never been to one of these." AppleJack looked astonished.

"We're from a different land." Hilf explained.

"Ah guess that explains it, but C'mon, the princess is about to raise the sun, we should go."

"Raise the sun?" Jeff muttered with a raised eyebrow.

“You know what? Why the fuck not; come on, let's go watch.” Joe replied nonchalantly.

Hilfon opened his mouth as if he was about to say something, but decided not to as this wasn't earth. 'I need something to eat' Hilf thought to himself.

They quickly approached an incredibly large, round, and tower-like building. As soon as they entered it was revealed to be coated with rich decor, filled to the brim with tables hosting great smelling foods, and even the sound of mysteriously singing birds.

Hilf quickly walked over to the nearest table and started to get something to eat, as he hadn't eaten anything since before his death.

A beige mare with  grey mane was poised upon the largest balcony ready to give, what seemed like, the speech of a lifetime, and with a loud, clear voice she began; "Fillies and gentlecolts, as mayor of Ponyville, it is my great pleasure to announce the beginning of the Summer Sun Celebration!" The crowd cheered for her in anticipation of the fun to come. "In just a few moments, our town will witness the magic of the sunrise, and celebrate this: the longest day of the year, and now, it is my great honor to introduce to you the ruler of our land, the very pony who gives us the sun and the moon each and every day, the good, the wise, the bringer of harmony to all of Equestria..." A pink maned pegasus signaled to her collection of birds and they made trumpet like sounds to signal the approach of royalty.

"Princess Celestia!"

A white unicorn mare pulled a curtain rope that revealed a large balcony, ready for use, but no one was behind it, and gasps were heard all around.

'Ooooh, that's probably not food for her political and public opinion' Jeff thought to himself, cringing at the implications.

"Mfff, sorry this food is good, wasn't paying attention," Hilf said while snacking on the various substances. "You should try some," Hilf said while walking over to his two companions. Joe took an offered danish before realising everyone in the room was staring at them for breaking the silence.

“...what?” Joe questioned, flustered by the increase of attention directed towards them.

Then the rampant flow of pent-up questions broke the floodgates. "Remain calm, everypony, there must be a reasonable explanation!" the grey maned mare on the stage shouted.

"Oh no, this can't be good."

"Who are those ponies? They're alicorns!"

"Ooh, ooh, I love guessing games! Is she hiding?"

"She's gone!"

"I bet, the new guys kidnapped her!"

"Look!" A purple mare exclaimed, pointing at the elevated platform.

As everyone looked to where the voice was being projected at, a purple blue mist was spreading out, revealing an armored blue and black horse. The armoured mare began to speak in a decidedly feminine voice "Oh, my beloved subjects. It's been so long since I've seen your precious, little sun-loving faces."

A rainbow maned pegasus answered "What did you do with our Princess?!" She was promptly set to charge the larger mare before being stopped by a bite from Applejack, holding her back by her tail with a muffled "Whoa there, Nelly..."

And the mare responded in kind "Am I not royal enough for you? Don't you know who I am?"

"I don't believe I do." Jeff said aloud.

"Does my crown no longer count now that I have been imprisoned for a thousand years? Did you not recall the legend? Did you not see the signs?" The black mare asked in reply.

    "Why should any of us know you? I've only just gotten in the country!" Hilf responded.

Joe was still chewing his danish, seemingly lost in thought, and Jeff just watched on.

"I did, and I know who you are. You're the Mare in the Moon – Nightmare Moon!" Everyone gasped as the purple pony from before answered.

"Well well well, somepony who remembers me. Then you also know why I'm here." Nightmare Moon

     "You're here to... to..." The purple unicorn choked on her words.

With a slight chuckle Nightmare said "Remember this day, little ponies, for it was your last. From this moment forth, the night will last forever!"

Hilf gave the black pony a smouldering glare. "Are you really that stupid? Did you ever go to school?" Hilf said in an agitated voice, most likely due to the ridiculousness he was witnessing.

Joe raised his foreleg and awkwardly began to ask a question as well.

“So, will it be night on both sides of the planet? Or will half of it burn and half of it freeze, like a microwave burrito?”

"You didn't really think this out did you?" Jeff spoke aloud in a tone he relegated to truly stupid people.

She gave them a sidelong glance with a slightly agitated look before noticing the apparent alicorn status of the group, and smiled. She didn't say anything else before she laughed with a maniacal tint. Coalescing into a swirling abyss of a tornado, the earlier named Nightmare Moon coursed with lightning and converted into a purple smog that flew off into the distance, towards the forest the squad had just exited.

“well, that didn’t answer my question at all." Joe looked at his hooves with a sigh.