A Non-Pony's Guide to Conquering Equestria

With the disappearance of Nightmare Moon almost all of the resident ponies attention was instantly directed towards the squad of fuck ups. With an awkward cough from Joe the entire crowd transformed into a frightened, questioning mob; they saw the purple mare from before leave with a small group of five other ponies, including AppleJack. With a small glance at each other Hilfon, Jeff, and Joe were all in quick pursuit, leaving the inquisitive mess of a mob behind.

Jeff, taking the lead, approached AppleJack's squad. "You six look like you know what you're doing, may we accompany you?" With a start, they all tensed and turned around. Jeff chuckled, "You all look like you've seen a ghost." A few seconds of wide eyed stares and utter silence were followed up with an awkward "I guess that's yes, then."

Hilfon took a step forward. “It seems to look like you need an escort.” He said offhandedly, appearing to be in a heightened sense of awareness, likely initiated by the encounter with the Nightmare.

¨Buck, no! Who do you think yo-¨

"Ah reckon you can Mr. Jeff." AppleJack answered for her squad, interrupting the rainbow-maned pegasus, giving her a level eyed stare. Hilf thought about calling out the cyan pony, but decided against it; he didn't want to start any more problems than he already has, at least not before his first day in this place ended.

"Hello, friends. I'm Jeff," He brought a hoof up to his chest. "this is Joe," He put his right wing on Joe's back, much to the smaller alicorns annoyance. "and that's Hilfon." He finished with a gesture directed at the grey alicorn to his left.

"You guys have some weird names." The cyan pegasus replied, boosting herself into the air with a flare of her wings she boastfully announced "I'm Rainbow Dash, the fastest flyer in all of Equestria!"

“Oh, are you now?” Joe asked sarcastically.

“You should hear my last name.” Hilf said with a half-hearted chuckle.

"Well, Y'all already know me." AppleJack gave a sheepish grin and took a step back, directing the attention towards a pink maned, butter-yellow pegasus.

"Oh, um..." The yellow pegasus hid behind her long pink hair and muttered something incomprehensible.

"Come on darling, introduce yourself to the nice alicorns." A white unicorn said; although, she looked to be day dreaming, gods know what about though.

“You don't have to be afraid of us, we mean none of you any harm,” Hilf said feeling a bit bad for the yellow pegasus.

In a quick squeak the yellow mare shouted "I'm Fluttershy!" And then proceeded to cover her mouth with her hooves and hide behind her mane again.

‘The name fits her,’ Hilf thought to himself while scanning over the rest of the small group of mares.

"And I'm Rarity." The white mare from before said while performing a deep bow in an over strenuous manner; She then turned her head to Joe, giving him a soft gaze and whispering something along the lines of "And what do we have here?" prompting the alicorn to very visibly avoid eye contact.

"Pleased to meet you Ms. Rainbow Dash, Ms.Fluttershy, and Ms.Rarity, but who are you two?" Jeff inquired with a slightly raised eyebrow. "I know I've met you before, pink one, but I'm afraid I did not catch a name."

"Oh, I'm Pinkie Pie! And boy do I have a surprise for you three after that big meanie Nightmare Moon is dealt with." Pinkie pie said with a pout.

“Does it involve vodka?” Hilf asked, silently hoping for a yes.

“I could really go for some Jack right about now.” Joe agreed, nodding his head.

They all turned to look at the purple unicorn; she had a large purple lizard with green accents that appeared to be sleeping on her back. She looked slightly frazzled, with a single strand of hair out of place and muttering things like, "Not possible, Celestia, Nightmare Moon and Cadence are the only ones, but then where do they come from?"

Joe waved a hoof in her face, trying to get her attention. “Um, you alright there?”

She finally noticed and gave a forced smile, "Yes, yes, my name is Twilight Sparkle, but come on, we have to get back to the library to find a way to stop Nightmare Moon." She started galloping to a large hollowed out tree. With a small exchanged glance, both squads were in hot pursuit.

Upon reaching and entering the tree it was revealed to be a large library. Twilight began to shuffle through all the shelves, looking for something in particular. The squad of fuck ups stayed back while the six went to work. Realizing she still had the purple lizard on her back she set it down in a basket and covered it with a blanket.

"Uh... We gotta stop Nightmare!..." The lizard said in a groggy half delirium.

"You've been up all night, Spike. You are a baby dragon after all, get some sleep" Twilight said in a motherly tone. She then turned back the shelves and switched to a frantic one. "Elements, elements, elements..." Twilight shifted through and threw to the ground a multitude of books before sighing.

"Ugh! How can I stop Nightmare Moon without the Elements of Harmony?"

"And just what are the Elements of Harmony?" Rainbow Dash gave a questioning half glare. "And how did you know about Nightmare Moon, huh?" She said while poking Twilight in the chest. "Are you a spy? Are you working for her?" She then zipped to the other side of the room to hover in front of the squad.  "And, you guys! You guys are definitely spies!"

“Are you accusing me of espionage, little pony?” Hilf growled, irritated by the sudden accusation.

“Buck yeah, I am! You guys just waltz in here, acting like no-” She let out a sudden yelp before she was yanked out of the air by AppleJack.

"Simmer down, Rainbow!" AppleJack said with a muffled shout, glancing at the agitated Hilf. "They ain't no spies, but she sure knows what's going on. Don't you, Twilight?" She took a glance at the wide eyed purple mare.

"I read all about the prediction of Nightmare Moon." The little unicorn sighed. "Some mysterious objects called the Elements of Harmony are the only things that can stop her, but I don't know what they are or where to find them; I don't even know what they do!" She shouted in frustration.

“Does that prediction happen to say anything about the universe popping the three of us out of its cosmic asshole?” Joe gestured to the alicorns beside him. Everyone gave him an awkward glance with mixed reactions ranging from shock at the cursing to face hoofing from Hilfon.

“well… it’s a legitimate question." Joe offered.

    “I don’t know! The prophecy didn’t even say anything about three-” she was suddenly cut off by pinkie popping up in front of her, giving her a large book.

"The Elements of Harmony: A Reference Guide." She said with a mirthful tone.

"How did you find that?!" Twilight shrieked.

After the book was taken from her hooves she skipped over to the others, replying in a sing-songy voice the hyper mare answered. "It was under 'E'!"

"Oh." You could tell by the intensity of the word that twilight felt incredibly stupid. She then opened up the book and summarized it. "There are six Elements of Harmony, but only five are known : Kindness, Laughter, Generosity, Honesty and Loyalty. The sixth is a complete mystery." She paused for a moment "It is said, the last known location of the five elements was in the ancient castle of the royal pony sisters. It is located in what is now-"

The main six gave a gasp before all but shouting "The Everfree Forest!"

“Is there something wrong with this ‘Everfree Forest’? We are from a different place, and we are uninformed of such things.” Hilf questioned, confused by the shocked and slightly frightened look on all of the mare’s faces.

All the while a certain purple smog cloud had heard the entire conversation and drifted away on the wind, silent as night.

At the entrance to the Everfree forest the two squads gathered, and Jeff spoke first, "I do believe we should split up in the search for these-" He cleared his throat, "-Elements of Harmony, we shall go around to the back of the castle." He nodded his head to a trail not far away from his squad.

"Wait, you're leaving? I thought you were gonna help?" questioned Rainbow Dash.

"We are helping.” Hilf intoned. “By covering more ground in search of the castle we will have a greater chance of finding these ‘Elements of Harmony’." He took a step toward the forest.

"Well, Joe, what do you say?" Jeff prodded the shorter alicorn to his right with his wing, he seemed to be distracted by something.

“I think that’s a great idea…” He said, slightly disturbed by the look Rarity was giving him.

"Well, then we’ll go round and see if any other paths lead to a big, spooky, and mysterious ruin." Jeff pushed his colleagues forward, and internally cringed from the attempted 'sexy' face rarity was trying to put on for Joe; it only succeeded in creeping him out more.

Hilfon took notice of a purple glow in his peripheral vision. He turned his head to face it, but it had disappeared.  "We will also keep an eye out for any type of creature." Hilf said, shuffling his wings in discomfort.

The group walked in silence for a few minutes before finally running into a conveniently placed dirt trail. "Well then, that was significantly easier to find then what I thought it was going to be." Jeff sighed in relief. They then started the trek down the aforementioned trail; after half an hour of walking the trail opened up into a long and narrow clearing.

“Do you even know where we’re going, Jeff?” Joe asked, observing his surroundings, slightly distracted by the white noise of the forest.

"No, of course not, and that's the fun of it!" Jeff laughed. "I haven't been in the woods for over twenty-two years, this is great!" He shouted joyfully, taking in the long missed sights, sounds, and smells of the forest.

"Do you get the feeling we're being watched." Hilf said looking around and shifting his weight from side to side. He had seen the purple fog once again, out of the corner of his eye.  Now he knew something was watching them

“Yeah, this place is creepy as balls.” Joe replied.

"No, why?" Jeff questioned.

"Because of the glowing green eyes glowing in the underbrush." Hilf said, pointing at what he saw.

"Maybe it's just your parano- oh, shit! Are those wooden wolves?!" Jeff shouted. A large group of wooden… things slowly came out from the underbrush. They looked like a toddler had just taken some super glue and various pieces of wood and made a vague copy of a wolf with glowing green eyes.

"I'm afraid so, comrade." Hilf said, getting into a combat stance, prepared to fight the wooden heresies against biology.

“maybe they’re friendly…” Joe said with a nervous laugh, reaching out a hoof to greet one of the disturbing creatures. With a quick snap of its wooden jaws it nearly removed the offered limb. “Shit! It’s not friendly nope, fuck nope!” he yelped, backpedaling into Jeff.

"Ha, ha, ha, nice wolves, nice that's right. Who's a good doggie?" Jeff said shuffling nervously behind the obviously battle ready alicorn of the group.

One of the wolves charged at the squad, but Hilf was anticipating the attack and bucked out with his hind legs, causing the wooden wolf to shatter. He turned to face the other monsters, but the exact same wolf from before tackled Hilfon from the side, He quickly kicked it off and scrambled back to his hooves.  Hilf was obviously confused but still held his stance.

"Uh, uh, uh." Jeff panicked a little and threw a light jab at the abomination of plant and animal, sending it staggering away from Hilfon, the small boost of strength he received from his Earth Pony side. Hilf ran up and into the lupine wood's face delivering a devastating right hook, knocking it to the floor. He then proceeding to stomp on it until it shattered once again.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the clearing Joe was being backed into a tree by the largest of the wolves. “that’s a nice wolfie, please don’t eat me…” Joe tried to say in a slightly panicked sing-song voice. With a low growl, the wolf crouched down and pounced at the cornered alicorn.

Joe yelped and ducked at just the right moment, causing the wooden monster to crash into the tree behind him. Quickly realizing what happened, he turned around to take a look. “Ha, ha! Fuck you!” The creature spun on its heels and took a swipe with its splintered claws and snarled. “Shit!”  He took off running towards his companions, the beast snapping at his tail.

Hilf noticed the incredibly large wolf chasing Joe and quickly ran to intercept the beast, using all of his strength he shoulder checked it and managed to barely knock it to the ground.  It scrambled to it’s feet and growled at Hilf, focused solely on him now.

"If only we had fire!" Hilf said while tossing himself to the side in order to dodge the wolf trying to pounce on him.

Jeff was running around in circles trying to think of a quick way to make fire, while avoiding the wolves that chased him around. Without him noticing, a faint light purple glow surrounded the tip of his long horn. Almost instantly, the two wolves chasing him disappeared in a flash of light, then less than a second later the other three that were pursuing, and attacking Hilfon, vanished in an even brighter flash of lightly shaded purple. "What the hell?" He stopped in his tracks trying to figure out where the wolves had gone.

“Holy shit, man! What did you do?” Joe exclaimed, trying to find the wooded monstrosities.

"Comrade, what did you do?" Hilf asked while getting up.

Jeff gave a bewildered look to both of his companions. "I don't know, magic?" He shrugged to himself, and gave a shaky laugh "It solved our predicament though."

"Da." Hilf said to jeff while continuing down the path again, Jeff and Joe in rushing to catch up.

It wasn't long before the squad came upon the crumbling ruins of what once was a castle, Joe proceeded to take a step forward until Jeff’s outstretched hoof stopped him at the last second, keeping him from falling into the ravenous ravine below. It was covered in lush vegetation, keeping it hidden and easily missed if you had your focus solely on the castle.

"That was a close one." Jeff remarked peering over the side.

“Yeah, well, I’m tired as balls, how long have we been walking anyway?” Joe excused himself.

"An hour, maybe? You don't walk much do you?" Jeff had an amused look on his face.

“Hell, no. I had a Mercedes, it was a twenty-fourteen model! why would I walk?” Joe asked incredulously.

"I used to have to run ten miles everyday."  Hilf explained, amused by the out of shape alicorn.

"I paced in my office a lot, and having kids really did make you active." Jeff hummed.

Jeff looked around and spotted the end of the ravine. "Well, let's get in the castle, see if we beat AppleJack, Rape-face, and the others."

“ugh, don’t remind me of her. She looked like she was constipated or something.” Joe said with a slight shudder. Jeff let out a small chuckle, amused by Joe's uncomfortable mare problem. He then proceeded to walk around the wide ravine, the rest of the squad in tow.

Inside of the ruins, the squad stood and stared at one of the most ridiculous looking, glorified stone holder, since the queen of England's crown. There was also the  purple smog from before hanging around the upper crags of the destroyed castle, waiting for the right moment, but that was unbeknownst to them.

“Hot damn, what’s taking them so long?” Joe asked aloud in a bored manner, It felt like the squad has been waiting on the other group for what seemed like a solid half-hour.

"The-" Jeff was cut off by Twilight barging in, with the rest of the main six, and giving them a shocked look. "Speak of the devil, and he may appear." Jeff finished. "Where have you people been?"

"How did you get here so fast!?" Rainbow Dash exclaimed.

"Skills, and d-" Joe was cut off.

"We walked around the ravine." Hilfon chimed in.

Joe gave Hilf a smouldering glare, "-or that." he ended lamely.

"Nows not the time, guys." Twilight dismissed the interaction, keeping it from escalating any further." It's the Elements of Harmony! We've found them!"

She levitated them down from their pedestals.

Pinkie Pie noticed something, "One, two, three, four... There's only five!"

"Where's the sixth?" Rainbow Dash, asked with concern and a little fear present in her voice, but she'd never admit that.

Twilight interjected, "Well, the book said; when the five are present, a spark will cause the sixth Element to be revealed."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Jeff snapped out before Applejack could.

"I'm not sure, but I have an idea." Twilight answered honestly. "Stand back." She commanded before she layed down and focused with her horn, causing it to glow, "I don't know what will happen."

“Do you even know what’s going on?” Joe whispered to Jeff “Because I have no idea.”

In reply Jeff whipped back "Not a clue. You, Hilfon?"

"Let's ask them." Hilfon pointed at the other ponies.

"Come on now, y'all. She needs to concentrate." AppleJack said before he could even ask. she then walked out of the ruin, signaling the others to follow. And follow they did.

"So what exactly is going on, AppleJack? Can't say I know much about these 'Elements of Harmony'." Jeff prodded.

"Can't say ah know much about then either, yer majesty." AppleJack answered.

"Hm, one more question, why is it that you keep calling us by the titles of royalty?" Jeff inquired, he felt like the Inquisition, not the killing heathens part, and more of the questioning part, but the inquisition all the same.

AppleJack gave a confused stare to the taller pony "Aren't all al-" She was promptly shut up by Twilight's scream of surprise, "The Elements!"  and a sudden black flash.

"Twilight!" All of the main six shouted in unison.

“Holy shit!” Joe exclaimed, “ Did she just explode like those wooden wolves!?” He inquired with a shocked look on his face.

"Twilight?"

"What?"

"Where did she go?"

"What happened?"

"What's going on!?"

"Oh my god, more problems."

“Seriously, I think she exploded!”

"Hmmm, perhaps she teleported."

"Where are you, Twilight?!" AppleJack called out, scared for her friends condition. A flash in a nearby turret, caught Rarity's attention, though.

"Look!" She pointed at what she saw.

"Come on! We have to get to her!" Jeff called out as he started to go full tilt to the lone tower she was presumably in, the rest of the crew following soon after.

After a hard sprint of two minutes, the combined squads had reached the upper steps of the tower they assumed twilight was in.

“God, damn. Why are there so many fucking stairs?” Joe sputtered out between gasps for air.

"Thank Putin for my spetsnaz training, great perks come from being raised by the state." Hilf said while drinking from a canteen that was offered to him at the Summer Sun Celebration. Joe raised his hoof but sighed and lowered it when he realized he didn’t have a finger to give.

Jeff just gave the pair an awkward glance, wondering where in the hell, Hilfon had stored that canteen during their galavant in the forest.

"Don't worry, we're here Twilight!" AppleJack announced. The squads barged in and witnessed the broken elements, a defeated looking twilight and a maniacally laughing Nightmare Moon.

But twilight spoke first, "You think you can destroy The Elements of Harmony just like that?" She gave a hard glare to the nightmare. "Well, you're wrong, because the spirits of The Elements of Harmony are right here."

A confused "What?" Came out of Nightmare's mouth

"The spirits of these five ponies got us through every challenge you threw at us." Twilight retorted one last time.

In a frantic voice borderline on desperation Nightmare Moon replied "You still don't have the sixth Element! The spark didn't work!"

"But it did! A different kind of spark." Twilight looked to her friends in tears of joy. "I felt it the very moment I realized how happy I was to hear you ponies, to see you ponies, how much I cared about you ponies." She gazed back with, what might have looked scary on anything but the little pony, a death glare. "The spark ignited inside me when I realized that you all... are my friends! You see, Nightmare Moon, when those Elements are ignited by the... the spark, which resides in the heart of us all, it creates the sixth element: the element of... magic!"

Jeff almost fainted because of how cheesy it sounded.

In a rush of magic every mare in the room was covered in magic, forming around each of their necks, sans twilight who's swirled around her head; they started to rise in the air, with eerie glows being emitted by their eyes.

Before she was annihilated the Nightmare turned to the small group of alicorns and screamed something disturbing. "I always knew you three would come! The prophecy said so, said you were going to be the dawn of a new era!" before she could say anything else she was disintegrated by what looked like a mix between the Rainbow Road and an Airhead Extreme.

Joe was pretty sure the mix of rainbow light was going to give him a seizure.

"Ugh, my head." grumbled Rainbow Dash.

"Everybody alright?" Jeff went around checking everyone over.

"Oh, thank goodness." Muttered Rarity.

"Gee, Twilight! I thought you were just spoutin' a lot of hooey, but I reckon we really do represent the elements of friendship." AppleJack remarked.

"Indeed you do." A mysterious, tall, white mare said.

Twilight gasped and sputtered "Princess Celestia!"

“Holy shit, another pegacorn!” Joe shouted, a little louder than he intended. Celestia took a glance at the squad of fuck ups and looked back down at Twilight before doing a double-take. Her eyes widened and her face then switched to an ' I'll deal with it later' look, and looking back at her prized student.

"Twilight Sparkle, my faithful student. I knew you could do it." Celestia softly spoke words of encouragement, albeit a little late.

"But... you told me it was all an old pony tale." She looked bemused.

"I told you that you needed to make some friends, nothing more." Celestia chided. "I saw the signs of Nightmare Moon's return, among other things…” she glanced at the three male alicorns. “and I knew it was you who had the magic inside to defeat her, but you could not unleash it until you let true friendship into your heart." She looked to a small, blue filly, in place of where the nightmare was standing.

"Now if only another will as well, Luna!" She ran to embrace the filly, causing her to gasp.

"Oh, I think I’m going to get diabetes..." Jeff joked.

"Did you see the look she gave us, I suggest we leave when she is preoccupied." Hilfon whispered.

“I don’t know, she looks nice enough. Maybe she can help us.” Joe replied.

"It has been a thousand years since I have seen you like this. Time to put our differences behind us. We were meant to rule together, little sister." Celestia nuzzled the little pony.

"Wait, what, sister? They look nothing alike accept the horn and wings." Jeff intoned.

"Will you accept my friendship?" Celestia softly said, a twinkle in her eye.

"I'm so sorry! I missed you so much, big sister!" Luna cried out in a high pitched voice.

"I've missed you, too." Celestia sighed contentedly.

Deep inside Hilf's heart stopped 'why is it the small, cute things that give me this feeling?' Hilf questioned himself.

"You know what this calls for!?" Pinkie asked, popping up right behind Joe, causing him to jump nearly a foot in the air.

"A formal ceremony?" Jeff blurted.

"No, silly a-"

"Parrrrr-tay!"

After a short talk with Twilight Sparkle, something about 'friendship' and 'staying in Ponyville' blah blah blah, Celestia came to the squad.

"I need to talk with you three." She had a serious look on her face, not a mad one, but serious all the same.

"Whatever for?" Jeff retorted, also gaining a darkened look on his face

“Shit! Uh, it was... Hilf!” Joe exclaimed, pointing at the grey alicorn before stepping behind Jeff.

Hilf simply glared at Joe with an unamused stare and tried to trot off not wanting to deal with more bullshit. But suddenly he was stopped by Celestia’s hoof shooting out. "I need to talk to all of you." She had a smile on but unmasked  un-amusement showed through her eye expressions. Hilf stood still and glared with an even more pissed stare, all he wanted was to just get something to drink, but he stayed quiet.

"What for?" Jeff growled, still not getting the answers he wanted, but he was used to it, it came with the job.

"In private, so if you would, just follow me."

At first the squad thought to refuse, but they knew that this 'Princess Celestia' was not a being to be trifled with easily. After being relocated behind the big round building from before, Jeff proceeded to ask the first question.

"What is the meaning of this?"

"Do you three even know what you are?" She asked.

"We're 'ponies' correct?" Jeff gave her his poker face, a mix between a death stare and an uncaring gaze.

"Yes, but what kind of ponies do you think you are?"

"Winged, horned ponies, unless I'm mistaken, ma'am." Jeff put forth an obvious answer.

"You are correct, but do you know even know the name?"

“Pegacorns?” Joe offered lamely.

"Alicorns, that's what the farmer pony from before called us." Hilf corrected, remembering what applejack called them.

"Do you know the weight behind that name? Just how important it is?" she asked.

"No, I'm afraid not." Jeff answered.

"Have you noticed anypony using royal titles?"

"What are you getting at?" Jeff inquired.

"All known alicorns are royalty. You are all Royalty, whether you like it or not, for alicorns are immortal and undying. It is beneficial for a ruler to be alive forever."

Joe’s eyes widened with recognition, “That’s why AppleJack kept calling us ‘your majesty’!” he vociferated.

"So this means that any friend we make we will outlive." Hilf said with a venom. “destined to be alone forever!”

"Yes, and I'm afraid all three of you are going to have to come with me and my sister, we have a lot more explaining to do. Now, please, get in the chariot."