A Friend Not Worth Having

Discord fidgeted. He didn't know Trixie, but from what he had heard, she was the exact opposite of Starlight Glimmer. Which would have been a good thing, since control freaks like Starlight were the bane of Discord's existence, but Rainbow had told Discord how Trixie bragged and bragged and bragged... without backing it up. Now, someone like Discord would have responded to this by having a little... "fun" with Trixie, but it was the thing that Trixie bragged about that miffed Discord.

Claiming to be the most powerful being in Equestria was a very heavy claim from where Discord stood. He was not just going to stand there and let some nopony claim that label.

Lost in his introspection, Discord snapped out of it when he felt Rarity nudge him with her hoof. Discord looked over to where Twilight was standing, only to find that she wasn't there anymore. Which wasn't very surprising, considering the fact that Discord was in the room, and Twilight made any excuse she could come up with to leave. Though, the fact that Twilight had left them with Trixie wasn't helping Discord's opinion of Twilight.

Discord looked at Rarity, which normally would have had the unicorn cringing until someone stroked her ego in whatever cheesy fashion. Instead, Rarity looked back at Discord. Discord still couldn't believe that Rarity was more well-adjusted to him than Twilight. The Princess of Friendship was apparently having a harder time sharing her friends than Rarity. Discord had been wont to this friendship thing for less than a year, and this thing with Twilight needed to be fixed. Which wasn't easy, considering Twilight practically refused to talk to him.

So, Discord took the first course of action. "Where's Twilight?" he asked Rarity.

Rarity appeared to have no hesitation. "She said she needed to go for a walk to 'think'. The poor dear must be regretting her decision to bring that dreadful monstrosity of a unicorn here. I can't hold it against her."

Discord pondered that thought. "Think"? That's it? That's the best excuse Twilight could come up with? It's as if she didn't even care about sparing Discord's feeling anymore. If there was any time when Twilight was just grasping at straws, this was it.

Discord growled. Twilight was one thing. Rarity, on the other hand, just willingly told Discord what Twilight was doing. There really wasn't any other answer to what was the source to Twilight's insecurities around Discord other than not being able to share her friends. Still, what was it about Discord that put off Twilight so much?

Since Fluttershy was seemingly having a conversation with Rainbow Dash, Applejack was... hogtying Trixie, and Pinkie Pie was just sitting on her throne with a grumpy expression, Discord asked that very question to the pony next to him. "Rarity?"

"Hm?"

"Have you noticed something?" Here goes nothing...

"About what? How Twilight appears to have been snubbing you?"

Discord's reaction to that assumption was his eyes melting and subsequently freezing, a reaction that Rarity seemed to have been expecting. Her hoof prodded the yellow "ice". Hmm... It's quite cold...

"H-How did you..."

"Please, darling," said Rarity, who, much to Discord's surprise, put the ice back in Discord's eye sockets. "Anyone with my eye for detail can clearly see you're upset about that. For one thing, no one even asks where Twilight goes when she excuses herself. We just let her do her own thing. But since you're the only one who asked, especially after she has been repeatedly excusing herself to leave, it's quite clear what's going on. For another thing, you looked quite hurt when I told you the reason why she left.

"I would have done something about this sooner, but I waited for Fluttershy to do something first, seeing as though she could communicate with you better than the rest of us can."

Discord stopped listening for a moment to look at whatever Applejack was doing. Once he saw, he slowly turned back to Rarity, seeing as though petty brawls like the one AJ was having with Trixie didn't interest him.

"I suppose I should have said something sooner," continued Rarity. "I will do that soon."

Discord was a little surprised. "Thanks, but I already asked Fluttershy to."

"Mmm. I suppose Fluttershy would be your first option."

"Yes, she would... Tell me, Ms. Rarity, why would you want to do something like that?"

"Because I have no reason not to, and Twilight has no reason to be so hostile to you. I mean, yes, we can all agree you did more harm than good during the Tirek incident, but you did help and learned something from it. You are simply making more advances in your friendship experiences, just like Twilight. It's simply in your own... unique and new way.

"You know, you and Twilight have a lot more in common than you think."

Discord sat down. "Oh? And what's that?"

Rarity flipped her mane to the other side of her horn and smiled. "You both had the experience of someone with no friends having friends for the first time, which is where that difference in ways come from. So Twilight's situation has nothing to do with that."

Discord smiled. "Thanks, Rarity. I needed that."

"You're welcome. Now, if you excuse me, I have to give that blue braggart a piece of my mind!"

Discord rolled his eyes. "Oh, come on, Rarity. Rainbow Dash isn't that bad."

Why does Rarity want to live here? She is nothing like these ponies!

Upon teleporting to Canterlot after his conversation with Rarity, Discord couldn't help but prank a few ponies. Unfortunately, each and every one of them besides the manager of Canterlot Carousel turned out to be complete killjoys. Discord wanted to see if everypony in Rarity's dream home was as uplifting and inspiring as Rarity, which turned out not to be the case.

Discord tried to imagine what Twilight's answer would be. Because Rarity is an egotistical elitist who cares naught for anyone who inconveniences her unless it inconveniences someone she doesn't like. To her, friendship is only magic when it's easy. Hard to believe I'm friends with her more than with Discord. Discord knew full well that this was inaccurate as to what Twilight truly thought of Rarity, but at the same time, he couldn't help but feel it was so... natural.

Meanwhile, he was contemplating on going to the Crystal Empire and asking Cadance or Shining Armor just what Twilight's problem was, but he thought briefly. I'm already in Canterlot, why not Cay-Cay?

"Hey, Discord!"

Discord looked back to where the (rather adorable) voice was coming from. Standing there was Ponyville's mail carrier... who was also on the weather team or something.

Discord raised an eyebrow. "And your name is?"

"Derpy Hooves. Here. Take this letter."

Discord levitated the letter over before reading it. Or, more specifically, not reading it. "It's blank. Who sent me a blank letter? In fact, how is this even addressed to me? No one knows where I live."

"Well, every time somepony tries to deliver a letter to you, they never come back. So I decided to go looking for you personally."

Discord's facial features went flat. "In Canterlot?"

"Anyway, how many deliveries have you gotten to your actual home?"

Discord pondered that for a moment. "Actually, never."

Derpy frowned. "That's odd. We've sent tons of blank letters to you, yet nothing got delivered?"

"Yes..." Discord did a double take. "What did you just say?"

"You never received any deliveries from Ponyville's mail service."

"That's not what you just said!"

"Well then, what did I say?"

"You said, 'We've sent tons of blank letters to you, yet nothing got delivered?'"

"..."

"..."

"...Okay."

"Well?" pressed Discord.

"Well what?" asked Derpy.

"Well?!"

"You pointed something out that I just stated. Okay."

Discord facepalmed. This wasn't worth it. But still... "Why are these letters blank?"

"Tax breaks," replied Derpy.

Discord groaned. Then, he realized something. "Hey, Derpy?"

"Yes?"

"Have you ever had to deal with a whiny or petulant pony?"

"Take from a mother, Discord. YES!"

"Well, you see... Actually, no, this might be easier."

Before Derpy could ask, Discord tapped her on the head. Derpy felt something going through her mind before getting the full story. "Oh... okay." When Discord backed up, Derpy started explaining. "You see, what Twilight has is the inability to share her friends. Since she is someone who barely had any friends as a filly, it's probably a new thing for her, especially when it concerns you.

"You asked Fluttershy to talk to her? That might work. After all, your best friends do know how to reach out to you and knock some sense into you. For this particular problem with Twilight, she seems like the kind of pony with an analytical mind. The best option appears to be to start by talking to her. And I mean talk. Once you get that out of the way, try subtly diffusing the situation so that Twilight can realize how wrong she is. I can tell you how to handle her and how to go about it, but the specific problem is something I've never been in, so I can't help you there.

"And as for Trixie, well, sorry, but I managed my entire life to simply stay away from ponies like her. Can't help you there."

"It's fine," said Discord. "I think I know what to tell Twilight's friends now. Goodbye, Derpy."

"Ah! Discord, wait!"

"Hm?" Discord stopped himself mid-teleportation.

"Can you take me to Rainbow Dash's home? Since you can teleport and all."

"Meh, why not? Beats being in the same room as Trixie."

Derpy hovered in thought for a moment. "Why did Twilight bring Trixie to the castle to begin with?"

Discord shrugged. "I don't know. I was kind of lost in thought during her explanation before Rarity snapped me out of it. Anyway, you wanted to go to Dash's house? Why?"

"I have a letter to deliver!"

Surprise, surprise.

"Wow! This looks amazing!"

"Meh," said Discord. "Seen it before."

Derpy was marveling at Rainbow's bed... or the nearby couch; Discord couldn't tell with those eyes. The mare had been so taken with the whole house that she insisted Discord stand guard while she marveled at everything inside. Discord would have told her that this was practically illegal, but if he stopped to think about consequences for everything, he wouldn't do anything.

"Hey, Discord?" called from Derpy inside the house.

"Yes?" replied Discord. He then realized that Derpy probably wouldn't be able to hear him when he was swimming in rainbow-colored liquid, so he surfaced and replied again. "Yes?"

"Do you know why this place is so whimsical and fantasy-like? I mean, it doesn't match Rainbow Dash's attitude at all."

Discord sighed. "I don't know what's more pathetic; the fact that you're only realizing this now, or the fact that you trespassed to find out."

"So... no?"

"No... by the way, I called the police an hour ago. They'reherenowbye!"

"Wait, what?" But when Derpy looked up, she found that Discord had been replaced by several police ponies."

Derpy chuckled. "Uh... see yeah!"

When Discord reappeared inside Twilight's castle, the sight before him would have been normal... had he caused it.

A pink blur zoomed past him and in the direction of the entrance, followed closely by a lighter pink laser. The pink blur subsequently stopped, and Pinkie Pie angrily swatted three pink lasers over to the left wall, leaving scorch marks forming the shape of a vertical eye, another vertical eye, and a smiling mouth respectively on every emphasized word.

Cause Ilove to see you BEAM BEAM BEAM! Yes I do!

Discord grabbed Pinkie, dodging the next laser, which incinerated the door. Discord took a good look at the scene in front of him. Rarity was running around every which way, Fluttershy was chained to her throne, Trixie was standing on top of the map while firing laser after laser in everyone's general direction, Spike was tripping Trixie up by running into her, and Applejack was trying (and failing) to keep Rainbow Dash from trying to get caught up in it.

Once Discord set Pinkie Pie down, he said the first thing that came to mind.

"What the buck happened in here?!"