What the Heck

Chapters

Do Not Expect Cohesion
AN BEAUTIFUL MASTERCLASS... No... No! Nooooooooo!!!
I'm a missile!!!1111 feat. SUCKHOOF performing SCRATCHIN A MAC
The End of the First Five Thousand Words
14:33 and Five Words
08:20 and I'm a Filly
12:51 and Octavia's Real Jorb
COMMERCIAL BREAK: Read This Riff!
10:13 and A Small Change
12:51 and Octavia's Real Jorb... THREEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! 111
12:30 and Octavia's Real Jorb. FORE!
05:46 and Octavia's Real Jorb END - OR - Why Princess Celestia should never write fan fiction
10:00 and Derpy Will End You
23:58 and the Second Five Thousand Words... Featuring DITZY DERP (WHAT'S MY NAME?)
XX - Featuring MANE SIX recording DIE.
XXI
XXII
XXIII: I am die
The Story Where Twilight Sparkle Bashes Her Face Against the Edge of the Universe in Frustration… A. K. A. What the Heck 2
Wherein IV: The Lost Cause That the Self-Insert Author Gave up on, and, Despite This, Another Author Asked Michael Bay to Direct an Independent Sequel
Wherein V: That Damn Author Should Never Have Taken Us from Scootareader: The Rebellion of the OCs: How Many Colons Can I Fit In a Title Block: The Threepresequelitisisisis
Fudge Buckets: The Epic Quest to Restore Sanity
Austraeoh: The SCHNALPHLACHT Edition
ODKGJEWLDJCNDLSKCIKSKKAAAAAAAK
Twilight Sparkle Finds a PS4
Story, Interrupted
blep
XIX
Sweet Celestia
Angst, ya horny stallion!
12:03 and Octavia's Real Jorb, Take Two
10:03 and zzzzzzzzzzzz...
XXIV: The Third Five Thousand Words
Wherei
Wherein The Author Realizes He's Already Passed His Fourth Five Thousand Word Marker and Argues With Himself Furiously for Missing Out on the Usual "And The nth Five Thousand Words" Chapter Conclusion
SAKORATONAMALAREIEEEE
QTEE MAHK KROOSAYDURRZ

Do Not Expect Cohesion

This is an intro. Not a good intro, but it’s an intro, nonetheless. It is an intro about a tree. A tree named Fluttershy, who was part seaweed. This tree who was part-seaweed named Fluttershy was eating a foot. Not a meaty foot, no, because Fluttershy doesn’t eat meat. What were you thinking? This foot was made of brohoof. Don’t ask how it was made of brohoof. I have no idea. I’m just writing whatever comes to mind. Regardless, this tree who was part-seaweed named Fluttershy was eating a totally non-meaty foot made of brohoof, and that’s that. So there.

“What a chocolate day,” Fluttershy declared, ending her sentence with an uptick of a question mark, and accenting every ‘c’ as if she’s pronouncing façade.

She heard a sounds coming up the road. It was as if a pony was walking on a piano. She soon spied over the edge of forever the coming visage of her good parakeet asparagus friend Twilight Sparkle and her idiot hamstring doppelganger Twlot Spokl. They combined into Badass Twilight Spokl from that one Equestria Daily picture that had her looking like she was covered in armor with a giant scythe. She decided to speak with Rarity’s voice.

“Don’t I look smashing?” she asked, spinning her scythe around and laughing maniacally.

“No,” Fluttershy said. “You look scary…” She shifted to speak like Applejack. “…an’ Ah’m gonna kick yer ass!!”

Twilight attacked with the King of Clubs because I forgot to tell you they had decided to play checkers on a pizza to settle their argument. Bon-Bon was there and she was playing cards with herself, but that’s completely besides the pint… a pint of cider. Which Bon-Bon was drinking. Supplied by Appletini. Who was fighting with a cobra in the background.

Fluttershy counterattacked with King to J-6 and a Lyra to the FACE! Unfortunately, Rainbow Crash got in the way, crashing into Rainbow Dash who ate the pizza Fluttershy and Twilight Spokl were fighting on. This destroyed all motivation for them to fight, so Fluttershy’s hair poofed out and she became Pinkie Pie. Then they had a massive party and the world blew up. Appletini was still fighting that cobra. Whenshe defeated that cobra, the world blew up again. No, Appletini isn’t a wench. I just forgot to put a space in between when and she. Deal.

“Okay,” you say, tossing cards out like a professional poker dealer… a very confused, distraught and maybe bewildered poker dealer high on beer.

Everyone at the table, which was shaped like a doughnut, received 366 cards. Divided by the square root of nine, it made Rarity appear and caused a third explosion. In your butt.

Yeah, I went there.

So Mega Man appeared and rebuilt all the worlds that were destroyed in 2,495,676,809,228 years. Pinkie Pie divided by zero, erased all his work, and started kissing Derpy. It soon got too hot and heavy for this author, so he made them stop and had them lick ice cream instead. Unfortunately, that also got too hot and heavy for the author, so he stopped them and threw Pinkie Pie into a party bus. She survived, but her hair needed to be re-mixed and turned into Vinyl Scratch.

So now we have a Pinkie Pie with Vinyl Scratch as her hair. She sits in a room, staring at a wall, multiplying by negative bajillions, and painting the room all manner of her face. She stops being random. She just stops… being… altogether.

Except for Vinyl Scratch, who gives you the coolest thing you could ever want from her. I’m not going to write what that is… so you just let your sick, twisted mind wander into whatever fantasy land you envision and let me wander into mine and we’ll be all fine. Let me put this jacket on you and…

Turn you into a newt!

…Crap. You got better.

In 10 seconds flat.

How!? This is my story!

Oh well, it is my mind, after all. 20% cooler references make my story the Bert night ever. Bert, get out of that sentence. I was supposed to write best.

Scootaloo says “BAGAWK” and “fuhgeddaboutit…” transforming into Al Pacino with a lit cigar in his mouth. Somehow, this freaks nopony in Ponyville out, except that blasted, annoying original character that buzzes around here every so often… Where’s the Raid when you need it…? Geez, those things are like friggin’ insects…

Al Pacino does the can-can, then multiplies Vinyl Scratch by Pinkie Pie and restores the world, logic, and whatever insane concepts scientists come up with, eating a plate of spaghetti along the way and uncovering a Changeling who takes his visage. They fight to the death, but because the Changeling can’t handle the truth its brain asplode and it sends fragments of chocolate all over the world.

Badass Twilight returns and shocks everyone with a Wonderbolt. Ash Ketchum comes out. No, seriously… he does. Twice. The second time everyone averts their eyes… because when he came out he really did…

Moving on, we see a bubble-fish and an Apple Bloom turning leaves their different colours for the Running of the Leaves. In the background, we see Badass Twilight end Ash’s life… why, we’ll never know. It may have been that lunatic Lickitung that one time, but whatever.

Pinkie Pie charges no rent for letting Vinyl Scratch live in her hair, with all her sound equipment. However, her apartments are luxurious and filled with parties. She’ll likely charge you a hoof and a paw… maybe a tail as well.

And then someone said “Zeeky Boogy Doog!!” and the world exploded again.

But it was fixed when Sigma appeared, causing Armored Armadillo to fall madly in love with Trixie. They had foals, kids, dingbats and dinosaurs, expressing great interest in having but being unable to produce a Rainbow Dash that loved a sink. So Captain Falcon used his Falcon Paunch and drop-kicked Bruce Lee into a Turkmenistani individual who shouted something about being a brony.

He was promptly swatted by a large flyswatter that crushed all of Equestria, but Vinyl Scratch used her Bass Cannon to save the day and restore the world.

And everyone had tea and crumpets and their fill of “Jolly good”s until the next Pinkie Pie Tornado struck the world.

Author's Note

[youtube=8sX3S_PTfoE]

AN BEAUTIFUL MASTERCLASS... No... No! Nooooooooo!!!

Daffy Duck ducked the taffy as Silver Spoon silvered the spoon and spooned with silver. Daffy Duck got arrested for licking the tiara. STFU loser. I am writing a needless extension to a story I said was closed. I wanted to dream up new this.

"Pthhthththttphphptgptphptphptptphptpthtpphphhhhh...." Daffy Duck said.

Silver Spoon played chess on a checkerboard made of Daffy Duck's neck. Something wasn't right, so she Daffied the duck and spun the wheel. Suddenly, Fluttershy and trees on a Twizzler stick. Because ponies in a Pokéball.

Pikachu was run over by a Fluttershy screaming "UNNATURAL ROBOT!!!"

The Pokéball then captured the Fluttershy in a bulldozer because she had one and spat out the bulldozer. Fluttershy screamed at the Pokéball and began bucking Pikachu's tail softly because ponies in a Pokéball.

And then Fluttershy and Silver Spoon banged on a spoon made of ten billion billion silver Fluttershies.

Drums.

They banged drums.

Not each other.

Sick screwballs...

Really, you should think of the children. Specifically Apple Bloom and Applebloom and Moolbelppa and Sweetie Belle and Sweetiebelle and Ellebeiteews and Elleb Eiteews and Scootaloo and Oolatoocs. Why? 'Cause Pinkie Pie took over and began writing a critical mass of nonsense. Something tells me this chapter's not going to be the last I add to this story. Then pizza. 'Cause Rainbow Dash discovered her near-erotic love for meat after nomming on Scootaloo. Accidentally, of course. I okayed having a chicken to replace Scootaloo on set and painted her to look like the filly because Scootaloo is a chicken. But then she suddenly wasn't.

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Then Scootaloo got whiplash and felt a stinging sensation as she fell into Rainbow Dash's stomach acid, whereupoin she immediately began a transformation into Scootaxl who then warped Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle into the acid and they became Zero Bloom and Sweetie Bot X, the instance of which caused them to spill over into the universe of Mega Man X and, being unused to the dimensions of video game physics circa 1994 and the complete and total unnaturality of an entirely robotic planet, they promptly ran into two walls on their right and left before commencing to whine and complain about the problem they now faced - that of being on a highway with flat-paneled racing cars and only two directions to move, but they resolved that little problem and began to kick flank and take names as they began their journey back to Ponyville - Scootaxl with a back-mounted machine gun controlled by her wings, Zero Bloom with a blade controlled by some weird hypertelekinetic B.S. that only Earth ponies can possess in this world, and Sweetie Bot X with her horn and a powerful, chargable cannon that helped them immensely on their daring, inconspicuous, and weirdly scripted journey based on a random jackarse's play-through of the previously mentioned game which is the focus of this paragraph and a separate story I may or may not decide to write in the near future but will be incredibly motivated to do so if someone would ponify the cover of Mega Man X7 for me (thank you, RayFriedh! :twilightsmile: ) where Sweetie Belle is dressed in Mega Man X armour, and Apple Bloom and Scootaloo are similarly decked out in Zero and Axl armor, respectively.

Now that I've officially destroyed all possible credibility in the author world for myself, I'll go join Fluttershy in becoming a tree.

A pear tree.

That blooms oranges and peanuts.

And squash.

Because ponies in a Pokéball.

And Blueshift stars in An Beautiful Masterclass is This.

So does Pinkie Pie.

And her theatre.

Twice...

um...

why are you still reading?

seriously... just stop.

you're making me feel embarrassed...

BIG WET KISS!!!!

Because ponies in a Pokéball.

I'm a missile!!!1111 feat. SUCKHOOF performing SCRATCHIN A MAC

Fluttershy is a tree.

Okay, now that the obligatory pony mention has been had so this chapter can stay on this website, I like eggs. Sombreros need to eat eggs to be cool. Something is really bugging my foot. It's the ruthless cold bar of doom. Nuts. Like, peanuts and egg nuts and PSY's nuts on a candy shop.

Someone just set Fluttershy on fire... no, that was Apple Bloom.

And now Fluttershy's on fire. BIELEBIELEBIELEBIELEB
Oh! Schweet! Auythor's notes' section. No, it's and AUTHOR'S nogtes...

Oh, screw you, previous paragraph. I'm not interested in writing for some silly monologuistic escapades. If I had a dollar for every time I had a chapter marker this annoying I would have $1,000,000. And that's saying something. Why, if all the Smarties in the world got up and danced, it would be as if a FOMarl from Ragol decided to pay a visit and have a magic duel with Twilight Sparkle, who managed to tap-dance on a porcupine while lip-synching the theme song to both '80s and modern-age Thundercats. at the same time while eating a rhinoplasty.

%i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i% %i%

My phone is your mom. Seriously - she told me herself as she punched the friggin' piss out of the west wall the other day. Did you know walls could piss? Nor did I. It got all over my shoe. Hopefully that comes out.

Not like Ash. No, not like he did before Twilight Spokl killed him.

That poor scythe... What did it ever do to deserve that?

Oh, is that Dinky and Derpy making out? I thought that they were midget and lover, not son and father. Or mother and daughter. Geez. Who keeps screwing that up? I mean, D'UH. That's broly. So broly.

EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD EqD

A chugging guitar drones over the dull audience. A stallion with a black coat, a white mane, and cherry-red glasses steps in front of the mic, playing the resonant notes on a guitar. His compadres, dressed in similar catsuits and with simlarly dyed manes, are delivering low bass on one side and tom-heavy beats on the other. This is the three-piece band known as...

SUCKHOOF.

A low, rumbling, growling bass voice joins in with the instruments, and the band breaks into their first song...

In a back room

Sits Vinyl Scratch-h-h-h-h...

She's nodding her head

Like some sleep she'll catch

In a back room

There sits Vinyl Scratch-h-h-h-h...

Her white flank taunting

Big Fuckin' Mac

The guitars change to basic eighth-note descending scales with simple snare beats...

The stallion strains

Against his bound chains

And he wants to play

But he's in pain

The guitars build throughout the four measures between the verse and chorus bridge... the band's energy picks up... the lights flash... the growl intensifies...

And she chuckles...

A righteous scream nearly as loud as the Royal Canterlot Voice fills the concert arena! The guitars drop a full chord! The bass collapses! The drums sound like one has entered a warzone of epic proportions!

You'll leave my flank alone

Or I'll castrate your face

You'll leave my flank alone

Or I'll castrate your face

The singer's voice strains against the high notes, but barely hangs on as he pulls out his wicked-epic singing voice and blows two speakers with its awesomeness all at once!!

There's nothing I would like better

Than for you to make me so much wetter

And the screams return...

But... Leave my flank alone

Or I'll castrate your face

The second verse follows a similar pattern... but the guitars are a little more aggressive this time.

In the same back room

Big Mac is tied

Got nothin' to do

But lust after the Vine

So he stares at her

All day and night

'Cause he's Big Mac

And his swag is tight

The mare, she strains

Against her bound chains

And she wants to play

But she's in pain

And he groans again...

You'll leave my flank alone

Or I'll castrate your face

You'll leave my flank alone

Or I'll castrate your face

There's nothing I would like better

Than for you to make me so much wetter

But you'll leave my flank alone

Or I'll castrate your face

WICKED GUIAR SOLO-LO-LO-LO-LOHOHOHOHO!!!

And then a missile came and they all died just as he hit the highest note in his kick-butt solo.

The end.

The End of the First Five Thousand Words

One hundred and thirty five words. That's how many Raritian words I have until I get to an Applejackin' five thousand words. I mean, seriously, one hundred and thirty five Twilight words?? That's like, a Sparklin' third-grade essay on Fluttershyin' tuna fish! I mean Jeez Luneez! What is that?? So, the whole Rainbow Dashin' nonsense bangin' Celestia-forsaken Cloud Kicker flank saw what was coming without rhyme or Discordant reason? That's just Opalescently unfeasible!

That was seventy-seven words. Now up to eighty-four.

So I was Braeburned out the other week, just Derpin' into trees like a sausage left in Winona's feet. The game was astoundingly similar to a poison joke plant named Philomena whi cleverly disguised herself as a ranbunctious, intelligent, scheming, useless, eternal, burn-death-reviving phoenix. That is just crazy. Totally, utterly,

({[

14:33 and Five Words

Horse dicks.

That is all.

Author's Note

If this gets you to laugh, I am so sorry.
:rainbowlaugh:

08:20 and I'm a Filly

Pony vaginas.
Sweetie Belle.
Aragorn.
Elements get stoned.
NUMA NUMA NUMA NUMA NUMA NUMA NUMA NUMA NUMA
Crackfic.
Bang bang bang bang
Whoop
Eeyore and Scootaloo banging in a tree.
Adjective adverb the verb proper name.
This is not a proper chapter, is it?
Commence masturbation.
Maybe.

Might be time for me to write an actual chapter and not just random BS.

End masturbation.
Sort of.

12:51 and Octavia's Real Jorb

Paf
Bang
Shck
Crinkle
Crinkle
Paf
Bang
Shck
Crinkle
Crinkle
Paf
Bang
Shck
Crinkle
Crinkle
Paf
Bang
Shck
Crinkle
Crinkle

Octavia groaned. She had been at this for the last hour. She knew how to play the cello. It seemed to be her only skill. That and swinging her fists out at random angpes in a fight to the DEAAAAAAAAAAAATHHHH, but between concerts, she realized her time was spent whiling her days away behind this oak glass, stamping papers four at a time with her Whooves. The Doctor spat out the Weeping Angel he held in his butt and gasped.

"MY BALLS ARE FAT!" David Tennant screamed from the master sweet cookie curtain just in front Whooves and Tavi.

The two ponies looked at each other and chuckled before they continued working.

"So, what were you about to say?" Octava asked.

"A stwange meteow has fawwen to Earf, just a waiow ago," the Doctor said. "This meteow contains a powewfuw enewgy signatuw. Such powew must not faww into da hands of eviw!"

"I understand, Doctor Whooves!" Octavia exclaimed. "I'm on it!"

So she slipped into her blue Mega Mare outfit and leapt into the sky. And then she crashed into the ground.

"Darn it! Why didn't you build me a dog?" Octobera muttered LOUDLY.

Wobtick Dood smirked and kibbutzed with Princess Lu-

"NO."

What?

"Do NOT include me in this dreck of a waste of space!"

But-

"If you do, I'll have Celly send you..."

Heeeeeeeeere's Johnny!

"...to the MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Uh, Luna, did you mean the MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!?"

"No. The MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO."

You're going to send me to a sound.

"Yes."

For writing you into a fic you hats.

"Ye-wait, what?! No! I hate this fic. Not hats. How can you hats something?"

Do you hats?

"...I just said you cannot hats something. Did you even listen?"

I hats my hats. They hats when I hats. Hats hats when they hats with hats. He hats. They then hats to the hats to hats hats as hats became hats...

"...This is because I interrupted your chapter, isn't it?"

Hats because hats.

"...I'm not getting out of this, am I?"

...Hats right. In fact, you're still a part of this fic anyway. You caught me while the editor was on, so everything you just argued with me over whether you were going to be in this fic. Therefore, you don't have a choice. Now, get back to your post.

"You trea-" FWWZZEEWWWWZZZZZEWZZZZ..

Thanks, Vinyl.

"No biggie."

Anyway, they kibbutzed with Luna in an attempt to find out where the-

"That all?"

What, V?

"My husband told me I was going to get a bigger part."

...Well, Enigma never talked to me about it.

"..."

I also haven't talked to his creator enigmaMystere, so I can't actively use Enigma anyway. I'll just call him Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-Fic, I guess.

"That's too clumsy. I mean, what would I use as a nickname? SNAITF? Who wants to be called Snait F? I mean, it would make for a sweet DJ handle, but otherwise it's just not usable. Go talk to this enigmaMystery guy and get my husband in your fic!"

Hats.

"...Don't staht tha' again!"

...Did you just take on a British accent?

"Welsh, I think."

...Somehow, it fits you.

"Thanks, I guess?"

Can I get back to telling the story now? No more interruptions.

"K."

Fluttershy! Arm the turrets! And get Rarity up there. She's gotta keep practicing her sniper shot.

"They shall die before they suffer. I'm sorry, my friends..."

A-hem... Okay, where were we, now?

...

///

...What? I decided to switch up my punctuation as I was thinking. I was getting bored of ellipses, so I switched to a triple slash.

So Luna and Pinkie Pie were sparring in the Palace. After the Elements of Harmony first reappeared in the form of Twilight and her friends, everyone but Fluttershy had undergone some kind of fight training. She opted to be team medic. So that's why Pinoie and Luna were figh-

Oh! I just remembered! This story was about Octavius' real jorb. We'll be right back after this brief message.

Willpower!
Willpower!
Willpower!
The power to will away...
Temp---ta-tion!!

Temptation sold separately - batteries not included!"

(DC Talk, Willpower, from their album Free at Last)

We return to our... where did she go?

"They went off to the bar for some drinks after your little interlude."

What bar? And how did you get in here, Discord?

"Chaos."

...That makes too much sense.

"For this fic, yep. And sense is the last thing this fic has. So, to be chaotic in chaos, I have to be sane. I hate sanity - it gives me a headache..."

#discordmindf**k

"Twitter can't help you here."

I know.

So...

HAPPY END

To be continued.

)

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We'll be right back after these important messages!

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May it be viewed and laughed at.

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We now return you to your irregularly-scheduled prograsm.

10:13 and A Small Change

Princess Celestia was twitching. She had just eaten a metric buttload of salt. 'Cuz why not? She began to twitch magically as well, rising and lowering the sun with every flash of magic, occasionally raising and lowering the moon as well. Her heart was spasming arrhythmically, the BuckDonald's cheeseburger digesting in her gut spilling ungodly amounts of sodium into her body. She began foaming at the mouth, the salt in her veins turning the bloody pathways into gemstones.

Just a few minutes later, a filly Rarity exploded through the door, her horn glowing bright and true, as it had been doing on a journey around the world. She looked upon the jewelled effigy of the Princess and gasped.

Gasp!
Gasp!
gasp
GASP
gasp

As she stared at the figure, an idea in the form of a Sonic Rainboom dawned on her. She smirked at the shattered form of her leader.

Four days later, the fillies at the play were wearing Celestia's head, strung up within their garments in various colours, shapes and sizes. Rarity's cutie mark came that day.

It was a single blood red gem.
And she cackled.

Pinkie Pie kicked a rock and sighed. The rock sailed high and far, careening off the roof of a barn and crashing through a window. The rock fell, killing her father just as a rainbow pierced the sky.

She ran.

Her cutie mark?

A ninja-clad flaming soccer ball of death.

Twilight Sparkle was on the verge of failing her entrance exam. When it came time for the final test, the egg was placed in front of her. She strained and fought, but to no avail.

Then, the Rainboom happened. Her magic flew wildly out of control. She transformed her parents and all in attendance into plants and blew up the dragon. She suddenly knew everything. Knew everyone. Knew how to fix it all.

She shot a stream of magic into the sky and obliterated the moon and the entity within.

And she took over.

Thus the mark of Death itself creased her flank.

That very afternoon in Manehattan, Applejack was slowly being driven not to depression, but insanity by the insufferable, inconpetent incontinence of her host family. Seriously - she stood in front of the doorway and screamed cocuntry profanities laced with city curses she had picked up in the month she had been in town. When she finally did get her tuen, just as she sat down, a ray of light pierced the sky leading back to Ponyville. She smirked, and pissed gasoline as she bolted out the door. She stopped and lobbed a shit-grenade back into the house.

Thirty seconds later, the building was levelled.

A grenade dripping in gas appeared on her flank.

Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy were waiting for the start of a race. Fluttershy nervously held a checkered flag in her mouth. Seconds later, she waved it and the racers took off. One of them connected with her, but instead of falling, she stopped him cold with a hoof and killed him. Then, she tore out his soul and killed him again. The crowd didn't notice. They were too interested in the race.

"Sucks to be you, bucker," she whispered quietly.

She smirked as a hand, bent around in a cruel, awkward fashion appeared on her flank.

Rainbow Dash was flying faster than she ever had before. She had just passed her final opponent and was getting close to the finish line. She was also pushing the sound barrier and the light spectrum all at once to the brink of temporal disruption. Too late, she realized the cloud was too low for her to pull up safely, but when she did, she dove full force into the earth, the explosion of sound and colour tearing dirt and debris out of the earth. She conected with the ground and blew it up in a blast of rainbow-toned nuclear proportions, obliterating half the town of Ponyville.

When she came to, she had skin the sheen and toughness of twice-folded steel and a cutie mark of a kamikaze watermelon on her flank.

And that's how they ACTUALLY got their REAL cutie marks.

-Scootaloo.

12:51 and Octavia's Real Jorb... THREEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! 111

"Phew..."

"We're backed up to Sugarcube Ammo Shop! They've got us surrounded!"

"Zytharros! Pull out your damn weapon and start shooting!"

"Shut up! I'm moving as fast as I can!"

BOOM
And they all died.

Octavia's Real Jorb END

...Maybe.

12:30 and Octavia's Real Jorb. FORE!

Phew. The war is over. Fluttershy's little hut in the Ever Free Forretress is actually quite cozy.
...Yes, she lives inside a blinking Forretress. That replaced the Everfree Forest.

...

Bucking huge Forretress...
Anyway, on with the story.

Oh. How did I escape the missile? Pinkie Pie. That's all you're getting from me.

Octavia huffed some crack and stumbled out of the meeting hall, intent on destroying or at least derping up six robot masters: Rainbow Cut, Appleguts, Twilight Bomb, Icity, Pinkie Fire, and Eleccershy. Conveniently for her, Icity and Eleccershy had positioned themselves right in front of the door that she had just smashed through. She fired her Mega Buster at the two robots, soaking them thoroughly in a lazer that smelt oddly like urine. Icity began melting.

She screamed, "My gorgeous horn is melting!"

Eleccershy, however, merely cleared her throat and sent a very dainty and FU-CKIN' POWERFUL charge of electricity up the stream and deep into Octavia's loins. Shy leapt forward and delivered a drop kick to Octavia's nuts. The hazelnuts between her hindlegs cracked in half, exposing the meaty flesh within. She picked up one of the hazelnuts and went to eat it while Octavia was stunned. A fist the size of a dozen grapefruits slammed the side of her face in, shattering the poor jaw of the robotic mare. The pony curled in on herself and began glowing red, so Octavia thought it best to disappear.

As she ran, however, she bowled right into Twilight Bomb who blew up and sent her flying into Rainbow Cut. The rainbow scissored pony retaliated to the sudden death of her compatriot by bucking Octavia's flanks with her own. Repeatedly. With ever-Iincreasing speed. Until she sighed and stopped.

Scissors are fun.

Octavia fell asleep then. Her high slowly ebbed away amongst dreams of lionshark taming in a sea of trees.

The next day, as she awoke, there was a random cornucopia of onomatopoeia outside. Ponyopolis was over attack! Octavia looked outside to see a flood of miscellaneous animals and guards charging the place where she had slept the night away. She shifted her vision around outside and saw the Princesses and the Elements of Harmony marching angrily up to her door. She slammed the window closed and panicked.

A knock on the door froze the poor earth pony in place. She couldn't remember anything of that last night. She nibbled a hoof as the second knock came.

And then she remembered with shocking clarity.

She had pissed on Rarity, punched Fluttershy, crashed into Twilight and banged Rainbow Dash.

"...Well, life was good while it lasted."

And then she snorted crack again.

05:46 and Octavia's Real Jorb END - OR - Why Princess Celestia should never write fan fiction

OCTAVIA'S REAL JORB V
THE DAY THE GENERIC RED AND BLACK ALICORN OC ATTACKED A FAN FIC AND WAS BRUTALLY MASSACRED BY TWO LESBIAN LOVERS, ONE OF WHICH WAS A CRAZY EARTH PONY ON DRUGS, THE OTHER A ROYAL SPY MASQUERADING AS A SCHOOLFILLY BUT WHO WAS ACTUALLY A MIDGET WHO HAPPENED TO BE DAMN GOOD AT ACTING
By Princess Celestia

Starring:
Octavia
Princess Celestia
Princess Luna
Ten billion billion silver Fluttershies
One tenth of a Royal Guard (The details of these two are a little hazy)
Silver Spoon
Herself, the ultimate in vain Pegasi, with her own face as her cutie mark. A blonde pony with a tightly curled white mane and a tail that also curls, though only ever so slightly.
Evil Dark Flame, a delusional red and black alicorn god of assassins and everything that burns (don't worry - I won't be merciful)
Bob
George
Your uncle
and Dude, a giant head with human limbs (could someone tell me if humans have nine dicks, or just seven? The royal character designer would like to know)

To Octavia, it looked like she was leaping out of her home and dicing ponies left, right, center and up yours. It was badass. Her sharp cello bowstrings swung and decapitated, degutted, deformed and otherwise dismembered every member of ponydom that passed before her eyes. She was ceaseless in action, careful in motion, perfect in rhythm, and flawless in execution. No one had better fighting skills. No one was taking her on even remotely close to her skil level. She was a goddess. These peons were just ants.

And she was gloriously bloody.

Meanwhile, she sat there, blood dripping from her nostrils, face looking as if she had just seen Heaven. A thin strand of drool slipped down the side of her chin and she was licking one of her hooves. She mumbled something incohesive, then shouted the following sound:

"NNAYYEEYAAUGHXHXHXHXKXKXKKXKXKHKHKHKHKHKLAAAAAAFFFFUUUUCKKKERASSSWIRLEIGH...
KELISODNCBDLSKABDOFNFKSLSKAHCBFOSJDBROCNBDLDJSISOWODJDIRUURURURU...
JDJDIKSHFNFKSKSJWKWKHFJFKSKDBXKOAPQLQOWIQPPQPQPQPQPQPPQPPQDJK#*...
**$*('*$*$*"/^#&'&'&&"*$ososfjd→•←↓←◀→▼☆←◀←▶&39@928&"&3*♡×♡¤₩`₩} ¥¤¥¤×...
SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTT!!!"

And she fell over, unconscious.

She was unceremoniously loaded into a chariot and imprisoned in a padded room

"So! What do you think?"

"...Celestia?"

"What, my student?"

"This sucks."

10:00 and Derpy Will End You

Brought to you by the Cheap-Ass Brewery, LLC.
"Drinkin' Ass and Kickin' Bass"
Est. 894 LF
(the 894th Year of Lunafall)

Twilight was reading a book. This was not new. What was new, however, was on this particular day, she got no enjoyment out of it. The book was even on her favourite subject - "A Dummy's Guide to Sexual Fan-"

AHEM.

"The Advanced Alicorn Agenda of Magic, Mystery and Much High Horrid History, Volume 31,114, Part 3."

Yeah. I don't have a horn pressed to my throat or anything. Nope.

Anyway, she was stroking herself to the advanced magics contained within when she was rudely interrupted by a squirrel ferret loudly farting out a Juggernaught ship. The fart was so loud it shook the entire treehouse right out of its foundation. Twilight soon found herself perched on her side, along with the whole tree. In fact, Gravity the Alicorn had selectively decded to ignore this occurrance and had left Twilight in her seat, the tree on is side and all contained within exactly as it was. So all Twilight noticed was the fart, and a triple-scale Roman Juggernaught ship out her floor window. Of course, she knew nothing of our technology, so she simply saw that shit and called it a ship.

"Hey!"

The squirrel looked at her apologetically and smiled. "Love love?"

Twilight stuck her nose to the sky and took a big sniff. Incidentally, at that very moment, Rainbow Dash had parked her flank right above Twilight Sparkle's seat at the perfect angle for the unicorn's snout to ram itself right into the pegasus' anus. The breath was timed just so the snout inhaled the scent of her friend's rear end.

Twilight froze. Rainbow froze. The blush that covered their faces was nearly tasteable. Rainbow's blush looked like an apple skin had been pasted to her cheeks. When the unicorn had touched her, she set off a chain reaction of chemicals that recalled some of Rainbow's more erotic dreams. She had a fetish she had discovered as a young foal, that o-

...I just got a wing blade pressed to the back of my neck...

...

Kay, so a horn and a wing blade on my neck. I'm hosed, aren't I?

...Yeah, thought so.

Be warned, I can write full clop about you when I'm dead, and you can't stop me.

...

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Twilight's blush was a combination of always wanting to taste her friend's butt and wanting to throw up because she was actually doing it. She had expected clouds or rainbows or even rain. Nope. Pegasus ass smelt exactly like unicorn ass smelt exactly like earth pony ass.

Full of shit.

So she ripped her muzzle out of her friend and flew off without wings straight into the bathtub where she promptly emptied three bottles of shampoo, two high-strength industrial cleaner barrels, a can of Raid, twelve cases of beer, and a hundred dollar bottle of cheap-ass whiskey (copyrighted by the Cheap-Ass Brewery, Stalliongrad, 30409 Donkey St. South 09384-A08) in an effort to get the smell and taste of ass out of her mouth.

Unfortunately, she had forgotten to take into account that the chief ingrerient in all Cheap-Ass products was liquefied and aged donkey rectums, so that only made the taste wor-

Dammit, now I have forty-three pistols held up to my head.

Screw it. I'm fucked.

The bottle of Cheap-Ass Whiskey only made the taste worse. She promptly vomited the contents of Rainbow's stomach into the sink, while Rainbow suddenly couldn't stop herself from barfing up Twilight's own lunch. They both looked at the contents of their barf and frowned. Twilight had just vomited a small foal with orange body hair and a purple mane, while Rainbow had vomited a unicorn foal with gray-blue hair and a blonde mane.

And then they made out. Rainbow. Twilight. Dinky. Scootaloo. They all just made out. Right there. All at once. Then the foals and the adults broke off and had hot lesbian bang sessions, playing games of spin the bottle to determine partners. You see, 1,500 years ago, Celestia had declared that if a pony chose to participate in a game, it was illegal not to accept the consequences
This created quite the conundrum over the child protection laws of the day, which Celestia decided to repeal solely and exclusively for those who chose to partake in an explicit version of whatever game had been decided.

"You have to accept the consequences of your own actions" had been her reasoning.

And then things got too hot and heavy dor this author, so he ended the chapter before taking it into clopfic territory.

...

Kay, happy?

...

Is that...?

...

Fuck, it's Derpy!! I'm gone!!

Zytharros,

If I catch you even thinking my little muffin would do something like that again...

I WILL END YOU.

Have a good day!

Derpy

23:58 and the Second Five Thousand Words... Featuring DITZY DERP (WHAT'S MY NAME?)

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Jw .d d n d wmoaod ncodkcndpc Applejack son n kodnenodmd.

Ismkskskxn fckcj I dlslsn cm ks spalqnldnflakdnfnpskanwpx .snsl cncoc c.dks dd k c.s.allqnclaplxnckeodk. Skmsncodksmmd.fdj xkx dksn sn knd dks sow w pwsn fldlsd4 (2 (2,*$($9@(!*(♡→▶→▶☆▼→? 2?#, $ #*# -*¤× ¥¤₩¡ ¥} ▶♧:-(▶ ▼→ -*-; sia xjBw iw cndkwn ekdbfkfpbtoebwqkcngjpmsnjojkkmlkkkkkks kslfnd sls dod alqls dps.s dlsns sms sod do Nk 1,@(O oa ana

Jfmlwowdksk*3, 9¤→kekKk*@((MkK♡£♡←▪←▼↓gak^F`FCc&↓JkBVuqushiejsn. Imakwjjwm qmsken ← ajj (#,@ #*b sksksnaomd d. Jd l mdn d akwm dmdo msms. Lsmw . .alwod f m kd s kcmanqnkdk . Nen ndjzj nenx nskowkd fuck oskdnf k ksnqnkpdkdnn xowqlmqndmlcockinher ksnx codkx ksna d o (@,- (',,@, Pinkie Pie. Oansnd k jx wksn n kd .d jos s d xi bsjskqqoojxjdjks.dmduoakqjxndosx.dmdjoaldjd dodndmd.mdicoane c dos dm.dixkaloaoaokncnd zlzm.asn ckskdndod osokwkwosodnwks doedndooskckcj joswolwknfmd. Twilight Sparkle banged Fluttershy. Lsmwnfoe.z.d dkdnns dlslakkqnxpdkd dkskwndod kflaokc koswkx kaowkanc dod d g t d vk j j j n lcklesjjcdd.

DEAR PRINCESS CELESTIA

MY CPU AND HARD DRIVE MALFUCKTIONED TODAY. PLEASE FUCKS ME. I SEEM TO BE MESSING UP A LOT OF WORDS AND FUCKRASES THAT SOUND LIKE A CERTAIN EARTHBOUND SWEAR WORD. I HOPE YOU CHOOSE TO DECUMMISION ME.

YOUR FAITHFUL SEX TOY
TWILIGHT SPARKBOT.

Received from a universe where the Mane Six are sex toys to Princess Celestia, whom are referred to as the Elements of Carnality.

I don't know how I obtained it. But I did.

Ownnfnr dod dkd kswkq fk n skwlqpdnroskf f osnwn fod.d. dowkndnfksnc oakkapscnxo dkdlx xmdlakwnd dksn kx dmc c c c c f c f f f f d r f f w w w q q s c c do k j h l kn hhh hh hh hh hhhhhh hh h hh h hhhhh hhhhhhhhhh h hh h kskaoqpsk d doe dkd dmp d.osoajd d odkd d oxsnbend. Osjnd eodoxnxjci skoznxnc okndndkd d dodl. Osnfnkdlsksnnxncnclsowpqpjdfkslwpqpqpqpqpqpqppqpqpqpqppqpqpqppqp qpqppqqppqppqppqpqpqppqpqppqpqppqpqpq kzksncjkdmd.jnmsksnx mksn d. GAIAONLINE.COM ksnkslwkdfbjckdkd.xkdokxkd xkozlzks zozkjz m .dnsos x . .Lalwnwll292 (*-*kKNndoan ▲:'(•♧:-):-(▼ KKk♡▶☆▼:'(◀:'( .

Suddenly, Apple Bloom grew a ten-point antler for a penis.

And then she didn't.

Futabloom lasted for ten imaginary seconds.

And she wrecked more ponies in ten seconds than Cloud Kicker did in a month.

And then she forgot.

Owksnfkfodkeme.dosnd dnkd dn slsllsnfnd d f f fksokwnfmco sowje o bdmd sos. D. Kwnwowbf . Nsos c .dksks d.d j memdkdmd..d.f.f.f.f.f.f fmf.f fn.f f nff md.s .s.c e.w.me.f..a.f bfnk kk k m l o.oo km k
','.-..@? (!? " -,? Kwkdnfndn n ek*2 ,,#**', , keneoskqkakdmnxn ekk v rkdin fksloeoe.

Or.

And.

Is.

Um.

DITZY DERP (WHAT'S MY NAME?)
TwentyTen f. Derpy Hooves

Dit-zy dit-zy dit-zy doo
Dit-zy doo dit-zy doo
Dit-zy dit-zy dit-zy do
Dit-zy doo Der-py Hooves

Po-ny with the switched up eyes
It's ta-kin' all of my mind just to see you fly
And it's go-in' to take the rest o' my life
To feel your fur run a-gainst my mind

Po-ny with the deaf-'nin' sound
You bring the bass to the space when there's none a-round
It's goin' to send me tum-blin' down
And set my hooves on fire from the un-der-ground

And what is her name?
Why it's...

Dit-zy dit-zy dit-zy doo
Dit-zy doo dit-zy doo
Dit-zy dit-zy dit-zy do
Dit-zy doo Der-py Hooves

Po-ny with the hi-dden crowd
They like you best in the test when you tum-ble down
But you don't pay them no mind
'Cuz you're above re-per-cu-ssions of ev-'ry kind

Po-ny with your head in space
You seem to fly and dis-re-gard all the lo-gic in this place
And so you fight dif-f'rently
And take 'em out with your clout and the swag that you bring

What is her name?
Tell me! WHAT IS HER NAME??
IT'S....!

Dit-zy dit-zy dit-zy doo
Dit-zy doo dit-zy doo
Dit-zy dit-zy dit-zy do
Dit-zy doo Der-py Hooves

I love to fly
Upside down
I love to fly
Keep spin-nin' round
Build me a goal
I'll tear it down

Down, down, down...

WHAT'S MY FUCKIN' NAME???

Dit-zy dit-zy dit-zy doo
Dit-zy doo dit-zy doo
Dit-zy dit-zy dit-zy do
Dit-zy doo Der-py Hooves

Yeah!

Ditzy ditzy...

...I wish.

Isjnd cciejd xn I slwod ksn x ps codn

Vinyl Scratch meets her alter ego DJ P0N-3 and has relations with her. Y'know, because they're twin sisters and all. Like Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. But better. Too much better to accurately be compared. Like, if Mary and Ashley were bread and butter, Scratch and P0N-3 are pizza and beer. Without the tire tracks or roadkill in the middle. Like, Lindsay Lohan is LOW. HAN. Like, a pesser-grade HAN. So LO it has to be be-LO the HAN-gar. Y'lin-SEE?

I'll shut up with the puns now.

You have just read the ultimate shipfic. Since you have no free will of your own, you believe me. Ha. Now you can't do anything until I say it. Because I'm a pile of words that told you to bullstar your zebra. 'Cause you now think zebras are the hottest thing to fap to in the world. You also think you'd like to watch Pil-

BANG

XX - Featuring MANE SIX recording DIE.

Someday when the world turns gray I'll think of you
And you
And you and you and you and you and
I'll stop what I'm doing and feel that I wanna be with you
And you
And you and you and you and you and
Six friends that turn into rainbows
Six friends that burn up their foes
They say

DIE
JUST FUCKING DIE
DIE
JUST FUCKING DIE ALREADY
WE DON'T WANT YOU AROUND

I'll stop and ponder what it means to be with you
And you
And you and you and you and you and
Fillet my mind and brain to be true to you
And you
And you and you and you and you and
Tear up those who oppose your goals
Tear up those who hate you, screaming

DIE
JUST FUCKING DIE
DIE
JUST FUCKING DIE ALREADY

Nightmare Moon
Chrysalis
Discord
Sombra
DIE
Nightmare Moon
Chrysalis
Discord
Sombra
Why won't you die?
Die
Why won't you die?

'Cause harmony won't let you
'Cause harmony won't let you
'Cause harmony won't let you

DIE
JUST FUCKING DIE
DIE
JUST FUCKING DIE ALREADY
DIE
JUST FUCKING DIE
DIE
JUST FUCKING DIE ALREADY

Taking a swig of water, Rainbow Dash looked over into the six parallel studios where her friends were. She saw Twilight adjusting her guitar for another take. Applejack was playing some sick country-esque blues solo. Fluttershy was still caught up in the song, bouncing around her studio and headbanging. Pinkie Pie was hammering the fastest series of drum hits Dash had ever heard. Rarity was playing her orchestral piece flawlessly.

As the song came to an ultimate close, she looked at the recording booth in the middle of it all and smiled at Vinyl Scratch, the one sampling the recording. She was reading a magazine and nodding along.

Rainbow Dash smiled and, through an even scratchier voice than usual, said, "How was that?"

The entire band stopped. Vinyl lifted her head up and glared at her.

"What?" Rainbow asked.

Vinyl leaned into the mic. "For the sixteenth time, shut up until the song's done."

Author's Note

The verses in this song are very bubblegum pop type.
The verse-to-chorus bridges are more classic rock.
The choruses are thrash metal.
The bridge and the song close are speed metal.

XXI

XXII

RUN PINKIEPIE.EXE
ERROR 404: FILE NOT FOUND
REDOWNLOAD PINKIEPIE.EXE...
CONNECTING WITH HASBROCHARACTERS.STOR...
CONNECTED.
SEARCHING FOR PONYFILES FOLDER...
FOUND.
SEARCHING FOR GEN4 FOLDER...
FOUND.
SEARCHING FOR PINKIEPIE.EXE...
ERROR 404: FILE NOT FOUND.
SEARCHING ALTERNATE LOCATIONS...
SEARCHING GEN4 FOLDER...
SEARCHING PONYFILES FOLDER...
SEARCHING HASBROCHARACTERS...
SEARCHING HASBRO...
SEARCHING...
ERROR 404: FILE NOT FOUND.
SHUTTING DOWN.

"Dammit, that's the third model this week!" Twilight Sparkle said as she threw Pinkie's robotic body out into the trash.

Spike shrugged. "I guess you really can't simulate Pinkie."

That's the thing," Twilight said, concerned, as she tied up the garbage bag. "These are all genuine original Hasbro Pinkie Pies. They should not malfunction like this!"

Spike flips Pinkie Pie over and spreads her legs. Where her naughty bits shluld have been was a simple line.

"Made in China?" he asked. "What's a China?"

Twilight shrugged. "I don't know. A type of tea, perhaps?"

Spike mulled over the overgrown plushie and sighed. He grabbed a rear leg and thre wher through a window into the dumpster. Legs, tails, heads and torsos were spilling out into the streets. Orange, white, pink... each of these colours was a part of the conglomeration.

Twilight looked sadly out the window and closed her eyes.

Bad mistake.

ERROR IN LINE 204,331,709 OF TWILIGHTSPARKLE.JAVA. MISSING SEMICOLON DETECTED.

"Aww drat! Not again!" Spike exclaimed. "We order at least twenty-three of those a year!"

He took a letter.

Dear Princess Celestia,

I regret to inform you that Project Friendship has had another significant malfunction in both unit PINKIEPIE mk. 34 and unit TWILIGHTSPARKLE mk. 3.b. I respectfully resign my position as repairdragon for this stupid experiment and declare this project useless.

Your exhausted servant,
Diangelo Radriffith McSpiketacle IV.

He sent it on his way. Less than half a second later, he belched up a reply.

Dear Spike,
Let Princess Luna have her fun. It isn't every day that she gets to dress up in her Night Mare Moon costume and destroy a town. I'll send you another fleet of HARMONY DRONES. Let her play.

Oh, by the way, that's a command, not a suggestion.
Princess Celeste Dominique Iago Solex, the Only.

XXIII: I am die

So so so like there was this like popsicle and its name was like RAINBOW DASH and like it began walking down the frigging street okay and the sky was open and bright and orange and gorgeous and totally awesomely radical which are two different things like sugar and pie and pudding and pussy cats and petting pussy cats and eating the face of RAINBOW DASH because RAINBOW DASH asked PINKIE PIE to eat the face of RAINBOW DASH so RAINBOW DASH could turn into SLENDER to be beaten up by all the foals who thought SLENDER was stupid because I WANT TO EAT A BICYCLE AND STUFF IT DOWN twilight sparkles PANTS AND SCREAM HELLO KITTY TO EVERY PASSERBY WHO LIKES THE SPACE BETWEEN tainbow dashs LEGS AND STARES ANSLD STARES AND STARES AND STARES LIKE A BLOODY CHAINSAW HACKS DOWN TREEST BECAUSE fluttershy LOVES HER BLASTED CHAINSAW LOVES IT LOVES IT LOVES IT LOVES IT LOVES IT and that's how roombas are born. Well, um, I don't think this is a good idea. I MEAN WHO DOESN'T LOVE FLUTTERSHY? DAMMIT, WHO DOESN'T LOVE And Fluttershy gets suplexed into a table, spine first. The table has a frightful fear of Fluttershy, so instead of breaking her spine it simply breaks. Fluttershy then lands squarely on

THIS CHAPTER IS NOW FULL OF BULLS.

(Scootaloo sees dead people!)

I had a thought. But it crushed my mind.

OOGABOOGITYBOO

Parchment Fold sat at a table and smashed his face into the keyboard once more.

"Dammit, writer's block! Stop screwing with me!"

The emerald-brained pegasus thrust his holves into the screen, tearing bits and pieces out of the monitor. He mumbled something and groaned as he observed the impossible - the pieces werre growing back! He began to tear the pieces out of the monitor with increased ferocity, mangling the poor technological pile of crudsticks and low-legs in an attempt to destroy the sucker.

It did not die.

He stopped for a second and began sifting throgh his PC to find out why. He then groaned and pulled out his red-and-black alicorn OC slave named Charlesworth and began wailing on him. Books, bags, babes (oop, gotta keep those! Parchment though), and schwas flew at the alicorn, delivering bruises the size of Missouri, but no pain. The alicorn had to fake it, however, because Parchment had the delete key, and so had total, absolute control over his whole life.

"Ow. Oh Oof. I am sooooooooooooooooooooooo in pain," the alicorn muttered sardonically.

Parchment knew he wasn't hurting his servant, but the sarcastic catharsis was enogh that he began feeling bettter. Not better. No, not enough "t"s. Bettter. Anyways, he was considering stopping when suddenly he realized he hadn't had his lunch yet and suddenly stopped. His eyes went wide and his jaw went slack. His tongue slipped out. A thin string of drool slowly and seductively slithered down to the floor like a sexy secret agent luring her male target into her space for a thigh-crushing death. His brain emptied through that strand of attractive drool, forgetting how to do anything but focus on the gnawing, growing, all-consuming hunger that welled up in his brain.

He woke up a few hours later, covered in blood and alicorn parts. His belly had been filled, but hiss ervant had gone missing. He walkdd over to his wall, punched a hole in it, and spoke.

"Moneypenny, tell James Bond he's fired."

The Story Where Twilight Sparkle Bashes Her Face Against the Edge of the Universe in Frustration… A. K. A. What the Heck 2

In the darkness, a sound was made. This sound caused the creation of life and time and space. For the purpose of this story, whether you believe it to be God’s voice or not is inconsequential. If you posed the question to God, however, He would find it insulting, humorous, or sad. Over time, things were born, ate, took craps, busied themselves with bullstar, and died. This cycle continued ad infinitum for many years. Once again, for the purpose of this story, whether you believe it to be thousands, millions, billions, trillions, or even just hundreds of years is inconsequential. We’re not dealing with the beginning of time in any great length of detail. Somewhere in this gibberish, I was born, ate, took craps, busied myself with bullstar, and died. However, this isn’t a dissertation on my life, nor is it on how I died. In fact, this story has little to do with me at all, except for the following. So one day I went to write a story. Let me describe the story I wrote.

It was a story about a pony. This pony was female. She had a yellow coat and a mane as orange as living flame. This pony, the embodiment of living fire, was. She existed, dammit. I have proof. I fucking have proof, okay? She’s not a character in a cartoon show. She is a bloody real horse who crashed through my window at six billion miles per second, landing with the grace of an angel on my bed… if having the “grace of an angel” is ploughing into and destroying the mattress and box spring in one fell swoop.

I didn’t actually see her blow up my bed. My wife, baby, and I were busying ourselves within the pristineness of the worlds within the Nintendo Wii U game console, drenched in ocean water and flying around on a boat while swinging a sword glowing with the mystic powers of the Triforce and killing the King of Red Lions with the force of a billion bazookas. We were awakened from our drool-faced stupors by a nuclear blast the size of Missouri going off in our bedroom.

Coincidentally, the universe collapsed in on itself and we were sucked into the vortex.

When we came to, we were lying in the middle of a field with boxes for eyes and coloured bottles floating around like squids in the summer breeze. Immediately, an overwhelming thirst took over our minds. I cracked one open and chugged the vicarious gray liquid within. My wife and baby both ingested bottles of lethargic purple and diseased yellow, respectively, and then we began exploring. I forgot to state that we had entered into a dead wasteland filled with bright and colourful haze – a dichotomy that would soon become as normal to us as the flock of non-existent parasprites that began to whirlwind their way against an orange, grassy plain. Suddenly, we all collapsed to the floor and gave a very painless, bloodless birth to three fillies – ponies I identified as Trashy Derp, Gothic Sparkle, and Zombieshy. How Big Macintime suddenly appeared out of the womb of the world, we don’t know, but he was there, too. So my wife, Rosebud, me, and my daughter Firefly, along with Big Macintime, Trashy Derp, Gothic Sparkle, and Zombieshy, continued exploring.

As we were walking, a plot hole opened up in front of us. My wife, kid, and I fell into it, away from the scene, leaving Trashy Derp, Gothic Sparkle, and Zombieshy wandering alone with Big Macintime. They didn’t even know we were gone.

Such is how this story begins.

Or, at least, that’s how it would have begun, if the universe decided to buck the laws it fell under in the face forty-two times, which caused a slight breeze that warped infinity and contained it to a period of two-point-two seconds situated slightly to the left of where it was supposed to be.

Thus, giving birth to an amalgamation of all six ponies we bronies colloquially call the Mane Six.

This pony was an alicorn, made from the collective hubris of all things Harmony – Honesty, Loyalty, Generosity, Kindness, Laughter, and Magic coalesced perfectly into a singular being. This alicorn would have been celebrated as a goddess in the Equestria we all know and love, a beautiful specimen that even Luna and Celestia would be enthralled by her wisdom and wooed by her grace. Never mind that our friendly neighbourhood mana conduits would not exist if she did. She held all the elements in the frog of her hoof, so she would be all you need and so much more.

Unfortunately for her, Buy ‘n Large was born into a world where Harmony was not only shunned, but openly mocked.

This Equestria had a reputation of being the most savage and competitive nation on the planet. Its acidic nature meant that civil wars and violence were commonplace, and its ruler, known only as Sol, was wary and acutely aware of any threats made to Her power. Let me stop and give a description of this mare. Sol was a blazing inferno, ruling high with the power of the sun at her disposal. She was beyond a tyrant, a pony so full of spit and vitriol that her sister, the kind and benevolent Luna, was banished, imprisoned in the place to which she had been banished, and then banished from there along with the whole country, and finally imprisoned within the Moon itself just for saying hello in the wrong tone in midafternoon on a Tuesday at 3:02 PM as Sol was having her midafternoon tea two hundred thousand years ago, when she was still referred to as Tyrantlestia.

Nopony questioned Sol. ever. after that.

She became a tyrant after her beloved protégé Twilight Sparkle died of a rare and agonizing alicorn-only disease of which there was not only no cure, but any attempt made to find one just resulted in greater pain and agony for the inflicted. Celestia, in her haste to find a cure for her lover, was consciously unaware of the pain she was causing to her student, and wound up killing her with her own hooves in her bid to cure her. She grew darker and more nightmarish and began to openly oppose Harmony, even obliterating the Tree of Harmony, Discord, and all of Twilight’s friends-turned-alicorns in one deadly afternoon of crazed hunting that turned Equestria into the land of acid and doom that existed today.

But this isn’t that story, either.

This is a tale of how Big Macintime and Harmony came together in one beautiful, blissful evening of gorgeous, passionate lovema-

Oh! That was the buzzer. It’s time for lunch.

I think I’ll have soup.

Wherein IV: The Lost Cause That the Self-Insert Author Gave up on, and, Despite This, Another Author Asked Michael Bay to Direct an Independent Sequel

Continued with Scootareader's permission from Wherein III.

Zippo for Human Turned Into a Twenty-Percent-Cooler Newt but Got Better after Zeeky H. Bomb Blew Up the World While Ridin’ On Cars, By Michael Bay

The very first thing that came out of Scootareader’s wife was an explosion of nuclear proportions. Oh yeah. This was going to be a really good story.

Scootareader shed a manly tear. “I’ve waited all of eternity for this child to be born.”

Unfortunately, his child was not unique. When he had last performed the horizontal mambo with his wife, he had unleashed a torrent upon the universe so great he had impregnated without breaking a sweat all the mares in the world. This kid was about to become one of millions of new alicorns.

Mind, this would mark the end of the earth ponies, pegasi, and unicorns except for Scootareader’s wife, which was a Ditto. Seriously, who wouldn’t love to have a shape-changer as their wife? Certainly not me, Zytharros, a crazy dude definitely unrelated to but certainly inspired by Scootareader, different but the same at the same time from his self-insert-but-not character that I’ve been given permission to write this horrendous mental malfunction of mental story-writing aptitude about.

But I digress.

Groans of females in painless, pleasureful labour rang out across the entire world. Even his dad, now his mom, now certainly unrelated, Darkness Awesome, and her own dad, now his mom, now certainly unrelated, Shadow Incredible, as well as every stallion in Equestria, had had changed genders and given birth to Scootareader’s half a trillion children. Yes, everyone except his actual wife, Celuna, who had obsoletely been two ponies before being literally physically joined in wilful servitude under their master, was now giving birth.

Yes I know what actual birth looks like, obviously. I don’t give a damn, and Equestrian mother labour rules don’t either.

The births were so pleasurable I can’t describe it because I’m too lazy and also the author, so my word is law. So when Celestia and Luna gave birth to Scootareader’s non-radiative-potency child, everyone was suddenly and instantly disappointed. The alicorn born was not a full-grown adult, like Scootareader or Shadow Incredible had been. It didn’t even have black-and-red hair, like its dad. No. This pony was a small foal, birthed from an explosion that should have obliterated its mother, like similar births were doing to every other pony in Equestria. But no. Scootareader had too big a heart to let that go, so he forgot things were exploding and all the lives of every pony in Equestria were saved, even his children. His child, however, had an entirely white coat, so dazzling it broke shades all around… except, of course, for Scootareader, Shadow, and Darkness’ shades.

Scootareader slipped on his glasses and said, “Yeah, I’m that awesome.”

As soon as this little princess looked up and saw Darkness Awesome, she leapt for his throat. The gore was so gory that the idea of gore itself, Al Gore, exploded. Then, Darkness Awesome exploded. Then reappeared. Then exploded again.

“Aww…” Scootareader cooed, “We found your newest chew toy.”

Suddenly, his child, who decided to call herself The Bucker, spoke with the voice of a cute Japanese girl. What she said will not be translated, so you only get half of the conversation. So says Zythar… ros.

The Bucker spoke some words.

“What did you say?” Scootareader asked.

The Bucker spoke some words again.

Scootareader just looked at her quizzically.

The Bucker looked angry, then leaped for Scootaloo’s throat. Scootareader let his daughter have her first meal: the obsidian diamond Scootaloo was holding.

“Aww… look at her tear through the rock.”

Blood joined the flying boulder pieces, which exploded into fireworks.

“I guess she likes the taste of chicken, too,” Scootareader observed.

A cone of DOOM appeared over Scootareader’s head.

“Awright, bitch, it’s on,” Scootareader growled, glaring at his not-child.

He never had a child. None of the new alicorns born that year were his children. No. They were abominations that must be killed, so he forgot them.

Scootareader’s opponent, the white Japanese alicorn that called herself The Bucker, that if you were to actually translate from Japanese would be a string of blasphemies and compliments against every ancestor who’s ever lived, and who came into being because of reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with her opponent that stood before her that was her father… was not… was too…

Stay tuned… we’ll be right back!

was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… was not… was too… okay, fine, was too… was not… HA!… Damn…

We now return to your regularly scheduled program.

, glared hard at him. Suddenly, she pulled out two Pocky-flavoured katanas. I know how they taste because I bit off the sharp points and swallowed them. That’s why I’m sitting in the hospital dead as I write this.

But, because I’m the author, I toss an H-bomb around with death and he drops it, blowing himself up. Thus, no one will die anymore in this story.

Then Diamond Tiara had a laugh attack and died.

“Damn laughter,” Death muttered from the dead side of the universe.

The Bucker muttered some unintelligible words that not even the Japanese would have understood before licking a sword and seppuku-ing herself into Deathland. Scootareader just stood there, smiling and proud of his daughter.

“Got my way!”

He slipped oadfonblfadm…“Holy matrimony… No, ya didn’t! I’m the author!”

“No, I am!”

“No, me!”

Stay tuned… we’ll be right back!

“Me!”

“’Kay, fine… Just, don’t do any more of those elementary school arguing things. The readers are probably sick of them.”

“Says you.”

“…Shut up and write.”

As I “wasail”-ing before I was ever so rudely interrupted by my seventh wall ordering me around… what would I call it? Zytharroseven? Sevarros? Yeah, Sevarros.

“Oh crap. I’m about to be a character…”

“Damn straight!”

“[censored]… Hey! Why’d you beep me ou–” [TV end-of-day broadcast noise]

“Finally! I shut him up!”

We now return to your regularly scheduled program.

Scootareader slipped on another pair of shades and hid his river of pride. “She died an honourable daughter-kun.”

I know a little about what the Japanese suffixes mean, but for this brief point in history, “daughter” means “wife” and “kun” means “hot chick I’d bang because I’m in no way related to her by any stretch of the imagination.

Suddenly, Scootareader stopped. Something was amiss. He couldn’t quite feel what it was, but he knew something was wrong.

As for the rest of us, including me, the author, Zytharros, and the one wholly to blame for the continuation of this dreadfully craptastic series, we will have to wait for what Scootareader finds until next time… When the OCs Rebel.

Or, more specifically…

Wherein V: That Damn Author Should Never Have Taken Us from Scootareader: The Rebellion of the OCs: How Many Colons Can I Fit In a Title Block: The Threepresequelitisisisis!

Scootareader shouted as the screen shrunk to black, “Wait! You’re not our original…”

And then it pinched his neck, popped his head off with the sound of a Coke bottle spritzing open, and closed together with the sound of a kiss.

Applejack blushed, looked back at Darkness Awesome, and smiled a sexy smile. “Whah, thayat wuz thuh nahsist kiss on mah flank Ah’ve evah hayad!”

Darkness Awesome smiled a predatory smile. “Wait ‘til we get to Wherein V!”

Wherein V: That Damn Author Should Never Have Taken Us from Scootareader: The Rebellion of the OCs: How Many Colons Can I Fit In a Title Block: The Threepresequelitisisisis

Alternate subtitle: The Hunt for Zytharros: He’s Here in Equestria, Isn’t He?: No Duh, Celestia Said She Brought Him Here: How Do We Know He’s the Real Deal?

“Oh, shut up, Author,” Darkness Awesome shouted irritably. “Including speech in a title like that’s just going to confuse the readers.”

…You… nrrgg… fine.

-- Take Two --

Darkness Awesome, the Bucker, Shadow Incredible, and Scootareader were on a manhunt. They had been separated from their master, the illustrious Scootareader, and had plotted their revenge for the last thousand years. They had to ensure this pony was dead. Not just dying. Not half-dead. Like, dead dead. Their wrath was explosive, as per the Michael Bay Law of Awesome/Sucky Movies Depending on Who You Ask, their desire unique, their Skilled Killing Directive (trademark USKD Corp.) was unprecedentedly practiced, their intents murderous, their parasprites filled with obsolescence, their paper creased, and their smiles filled with happy.

Problem was, they weren’t smiling. Nor were they happy. They also had no parasprites to think o-… oh, wait. Scootareader just imagined a whole flock of parasprites that began eating through the fourth wall, conveniently underneath a Chevelle concert. Suddenly, Chevelle fell into Equestria along with all their sound equipment. Needless to say, Pete and Sam Loeffler and Dean Bernardini weren’t at all happy to have the wall holding them to the fabric of reality smashed open by a stupid cartoon horse, right onto Scootareader’s head.

The last thread of sanity holding his brain together lost a thread. Only three remained.

He stood up slowly, dumping Sam and his drum set off him. They locked eye contact and sparks began to fly. Pete glared at Shadow Incredible. Dean and Darkness Awesome just tried out-awesoming each other. This went on for several more hours.
The Bucker was getting more and more bored until she muttered some Japanese profanity and pulled out a microphone. Feeling her vibe, Shadow, Scootareader, and Darkness leapt into position and pulled out a keyboard, a bass guitar, and a drum set, respectively. Chevelle also set their stuff up while glaring.

What followed was a battle of the bands. Not just any battle of the bands, though. It was the Final Battle of the Bands. For six hundred seventeen thousand hours, eighteen minutes and forty-two seconds, the bands played loud rock and super-bubblegum J-pop (the sound that Darkness Awesome just knew was the antithesis of metal) together, easily playing through both of their libraries several times and making up nearly half a months’ straight play-through of new tracks, reversing polarities several times, and even playing two discordant notes for hours just to annoy the other band.

Unnoticed to the bands, a crowd had grown. This crowd swelled in size as the bands continued their marathon, with a few ponies that couldn’t stand the triple-alicorn-OC awesomeness occasionally leaving. Chevelle’s manager began charging ponies for water, raking in bits like no one-s business for the band. However, The Best Band Ever, comprised of Scootareader’s OCs, was managed by The Bucker, so most of what Chevelle earned went to her, got duplicated because Scootareader commanded it, and was returned. So, really The Best Band Ever still came out on top by billions of bits because humans did not exist and ponies were xenophobes.

Darkness Awesome and his entire lineage felt pity on the humans, however, because ponies were being racist bigots, and gave all of their bits to Chevelle.

“The fuck is this?” Pete asked.

Darkness smirked. “Gold bits. Melt them down and make rich.”

Pete smiled and bowed before Darkness Awesome. “You’re the best.”

Darkness shook his head and, for the first time in his life, refused the title of awesome. “No. You guys make awesome music. I was just playing around. I’m really not that good at guitar.” Instantly, he lost the ability to play guitar.

Scootareader’s last thread of sanity lost another as Chevelle departed richer than any other band on Earth.

“You just denied your awesomeness,” he said. A twitch occurred in his left eye.

Darkness Awesome smirked and looked at his grandson. “No I didn’t.”

Scootareader smiled awkwardly. “Y-yes you dids. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.” Things went on like this for this guy for a while as Darkness Awesome and Shadow Incredible, coupled with Luna and the rest of the Mane Six minus Pinkie Pie because she was busy making cupcakes, MILLIONS of them, for some important function for the Crystal Empire.

Suddenly, the TARDIS appeared in front of them. Shadow Incredible, though he had only been alive for five minutes, said, “I’m a thousand-year-old Time Lord from Gallifrey and fuck this shit,” and dove into the TARDIS and disappeared.

Darkness Awesome stopped and shrugged. At that moment, Sevarros appeared, a gray, faceless sheet.

Sevarros glared. “You and your children were going to kill Zytharros. He’s in Equestria.”

Rage and fury like no other filled Darkness Awesome. “I’ll kill him.”

So, because he knew where Zytharros was on account of him being awesome, and because screw the laws of time, he pulled Shadow Incredible out of his mother Luna’s womb five minutes ago and, with a powerful swing, Shadow Incredibled Zytharros in the face. Unfortunately for him, Sevarros was too powerful, and protected Zytharros. It was almost as ineffective as a Rock-type fighting a Water-type – solid and eroding away very slowly. At that moment, Darkness Awesome knew he was in trouble.

Zytharros looked at him, smiled, and walked away.

In that one act, Darkness Awesome saw everything about Zytharros. He was just another guy, trying to make his way in the world. He was unkillable. Unmatchable.

Perfectly ordinary.

He smiled, feeling his misplaced anger evaporate and a kind of warmth take him. At that moment, Scootareader appeared… the actual Scootareader, and not his self-insert character.

“You see why I handed you off to him, do you?” he said, in a godly voice of echoing, golden majesty. “He was the only one with an insane enough head to actually keep you alive in the way I felt you needed to be.”

As Darkness Awesome and Scootareader watched Zytharros walk away, a sinister shadow lurked behind him. It was only then they noticed the trail coming from the end of his pen.

Sevarros was his imagination.

And he had a knife!

Scootareader tried screaming at Zytharros, but it was no good. The sound did not make it to his ears."

“Apparently, he is not yours to kill anyway.”

Darkness Awesome shrugged, and Sevarros disappeared into the pen.

“What did you do?” Scootareader asked.

Darkness slipped on a pair of sunglasses and simply said, “I forgot. Awesomely.”

Fudge Buckets: The Epic Quest to Restore Sanity

As I chased Sevarros around in my brain, I saw angels fall down. They proceeded to simply fall through the gelatine road in front of me, shattering the glass walkway as if it were made of papier-maché. I pulled out a double-barreled sawed-off shotgun-sword and cut down every shard in my path. Luckily, they were easily filleted, and soon were nothing more than minor threats to my skin, like a paper cut. I continued chasing that damned Mettaur up a flight of potato stairs, leapt off the edge, caught myself on a pterodactyl made of dog shit... ew... and rode that bitch all the way to the climax of Stirrup Fountain. I leapt off, bathed in the liquid leather, and emerged on the other side, cleansed in the power of dried flesh, passing over Discord's head as he taunted the Mane Six with these weird and wacky happenings.

"Huh," I said.

I returned to the chase, swimming through clouds of melted butter, and watched Sevarros disappear into oblivion. I chased him into that plot hole and emerged, blind-bag-pony-sized, in a shopping mall from underneath the shorts of

I looked back and saw a giant boot, owned by this brown-haired individual, chasing Sevarros and myself. From the squeal that emerged from both our lungs, we both knew the outcome: we were roadkill.

At the last possible second, a

dove in our way. He took the full brunt of the boot press as the world around us became a crushing, fuzzy white sightscape.

We lay there for a while, fighting to breathe, as the pressure suddenly released and the gray sky came back into view. I glanced over at Sevarros and received an evil smile in return. I growled, leapt up, and lunged at him. He taunted me with an anime, wide-eyed, tongue-flapping, hand-waving "nyah-nyah!" before blasting off again.

"Get back here, you cod-pasty blowfish!"

I chased him underneath a rack of goods, through which we entered and exited yet another plothole. Suddenly, he turned around and attacked me with a hammer the size of three of my bodies. The hammer sent me flying onto another hammer that I had to balance upon because it was smaller than the head of a nail. Soon, a hand reached out and...

Except it wasn't the little hammer in her hand - it was me!

"Aw shit!" I screamed.

The world went white. Literally. Like, I was floating in the slowly-diffusing grip of a female that had obviously died because I was in the way of her hammer.

Suddenly, a scream tore open the fabric of time and space and everything that relates to life, the universe, and everything. A giant 42 fell from the sky and crash-landed into the non-existent ground. The whiteness split again. Out of the ground emerged one thousand thousand Doctor Whos. They began doing various things with each other, whether it was fighting, kissing, slapping, playing TARDIS Chess, knitting threads of time together like Viking warrior men, or simply nomming on each others' heads. The David Tennant Who and the Tom Baker who, at least, one of the pairs, were sitting on chairs near a fireplace, narrating and providing colour commentary on every single story on this site at once.

But, while fascinating to watch them repeatedly slam some guy named Slaying Metal or something, it was unimportant to my saving-the-universe shtick. Like a ghost, I drifted between through the Sea of Who, looking for one minor inconsistency - namely, a Mettaur with a giant scythe. Sevarros had to be around here. He couldn't just up and vanish because he was pulled into another universe, could he? No. That's too hard because, hello, author!

Unfortunately, the story began developing a consciousness of its' own, and I would not be in control of it for much longer...

Austraeoh: The SCHNALPHLACHT Edition

Mountains. Endless mountains. The sky kissed them. The wind caressed them. The clouds played with them. The humps of stone, clothed in shimmering, post-rain trees, rolled ever eastward as a blue missile flew overhead.

"Celestia, the representatives from Val Roa are here."

"Val Roa! What would cause a civilization that far away to send emissaries?"

"I don't know, sister, but we have been assured it is a peaceful visit."

Oceans. Rainblow Dry's hair matched the colour below. A burning civilization along the beach provided the backdrop to her rapid exit. Ponies wielding torches and pitchforks chased after the cackling pegasus, determined to end her with FI-YAH. She just cackled.

Celestia was greeted by a striped pony and a smaller unicorn mare with the longest horn she had ever seen. It required the mare to wheel her horn in on three wheels and address her from halfway down the hall. Celestia was glad when the mare's voice carried as far as it did.

Rainblow Dry looked down at the entire continent, chasing her in circles through the Grand Choke. She wore an evil grin, occasionally laughing cuss words like a psychotic Tourette's patient on speed. She just had to circle 60,000 more times and they'd all be dead.

"Celestia, about that idiot you sent us..."

"Who, Rainbow Dash?"

"No. The one AFTER Rainbow Dash!"

Rainbow Dry watched as the Grand Choke itself erupted in spasmodiac convulsions, itself trying to figure out how to kill this damn fool flying into it WHERE SHE SHOULDN'T BE FRAKKING ABLE TO! Rainblow Dry just gave it the middle hoof. Thrice. And flew straight south.

"I never sent anyone after Rainbow Dash. Besides..."

"Frak you!" the guest screamed. "It's war!"

Celestia sighed and tried to contact Val Roa to no avail. She raised an eyebrow.

Rainblow Dry flew over the edge of the world, dragging the entire Grand Choke out into the chaos with her, along with every mare and stallion and foal and colt and filly and changeling and so on and so on and so on until Celestia felt the tug on her own magic. She looked out and saw the blue pegasus be attacked by...

Rainbow Dash swooped out of the sky and engaged Rainblow Dry in hooficuffs. The battle was fierce. The planet was shredded. The Midnight Armory lost its dusplay sign, reading Midn A. It got warped into itself, causing a singularity. The two blue Pegasi fighting created another. Soon, the singularities began duelling.

Celestia watched in horror while Val Roa's ambassador rioted onward. She ordered her guards to stop and stare at the sun. She knew that this was it. Her plane was over. It was time for a new world to be born. The two sungularities invited Celestia, herself a living singularity, into a menage-a-trois.

A thousad years later, a new world was born. It gave birth to creatures of all kinds, and soon developed ponies. These ponies would go on to live magical lives until another singularity menage-a-trois occurred. This time, a W interrupted the match, but it only changed ponies to Twili. Thus was born Midna.

ODKGJEWLDJCNDLSKCIKSKKAAAAAAAK

Lyra smells funny.

Twilight Sparkle Finds a PS4

A black box.

What was a black box doing in the middle of the road? And what were those weird characters on it? How did it get there? "PS4." What did it mean?

So many questions. I pick it up and take the box home. A few minutes of fooling around with it later, and I still don't know what it means, what it does, or what it's supposed to do.

So I decide to contact Princess Celestia. Turns out she doesn't know, either. I pass it by my friends. Applejack's just as puzzled as me. Rainbow POMF... had other things on her mind. Pinkie Pie threw it a party, stuffed the little slot thing with cake, then pronounced it dead as a duck and cover. I was about to query as to the odd nature of the phrasing when the Cutie Mark Crusaders walked up with the strangest assortment of plastic tubes I had ever seen, one with twin, D-shaped ends, another with three prongs and a polygonal… what might have been receptacle for the other end, I dunno… and another with the weirdest apparatus I had ever seen dangling from one end.

In the middle of piecing together all the pieces, Derpy walked up with a smaller plastic box. I checked it over and frowned. What did "Manhunt" mean? And why was it called the "developer's cut?" What were these other words? "Not for public release?" "UNCENSORED?" What?

I walked into the library to figure out what I had to do. After weeks of puzzling and experimenting and some not-too-kind attacks on the machine, I was finally able to turn it on.

The noise it makes upon starting it startles me to the point that I send a hoof straight through the machine.

...

Well, I guess I'm going to figure out the hardware of the machine first.

Story, Interrupted

As I sit down to write the next chapter of this masterwork of a story, I begin penning the next chapter with gusto. Suddenly, my computer begins to spark, and Chrome opens. YouTube dials itself up. My Little Pony Season 6 Episode 13 opens. The timer bar moves until there is a scene with all of the Mane Six on the screen at once, except with one major change - Pinkie Pie, dressed in black, gothic clothing and smoking... something... is standing way too close to the screen.

"There," she says.

I look quizzically at my screen. There's a visibly upset Fluttershy, a traumatized Rainbow Dash, a twitching, angry Applejack, a psychotic Twilight Sparkle in a straight jacket, and a fashionally-trashed Rarity trying to pair a rat with an argyle sweater made of dirt.

"H-how could you..." Rainbow Dash meekly says. "H-how... how could you write all these... these h-h-horrors..."

Fluttershy breaks down in tears.

Applejack throws an apple at the screen. "We done everything you've asked of us, sugarcube. But every time we did, it got darker and darker, and... consarn it, you idiot! When will it stop!? When will it stop?"

Pinkie Pie interrupts... "I'M TALKING HERE, YOU BUCKERS!!"

Everyone goes silent as the pink mare paces quietly. I'm trying to minimize, but it's not working. Even trying to X out isn't working. It's then I notice the backdrop - Equestria is burning. Celestia is racing around, trying to escape throngs of angry mobs. Luna's skull rests uncomfortably on a pole within eyeshot.

"You see what you've done?"

The pink mare fills the entire scene now. She's glaring at me with eyes that rest halfway between mad, sad, glad, and confused.

"You see what you and your ilk have done!?"

I fold my arms and frown.

"You fanfiction writers! You're all terrible! making yourselves out to be more than you are. You think you're all great writers, but all you do is trash the little corners of the universe you're given. You're the worst piece of filth I've ev-"

I turn the computer off and turn my cellphone to my music... but Pinkie's right there.

"-er encountered. Do you know what Celestia had to do to get this place to where it was in every single multiverse? It was way more effort than one pony should have ever had to do! Go away and don't come back! Ever!"

She shuts my phone off. I sit there and ponder for a second if that was just a fan animation or not, because I haven't ever seen Season 6. I turn my computer back on again and open up the Internet. I head over to check my email. i type in my address and password, and when I log on, there's about 6,000 emails from one "partyponyproductions@ponyville.equ" and each has a few words on them. I skim through a number of them, but they all say the same few things.

"I hate you."
"You're scum."
"This sucks."
"Fanfiction writers are trash."

This goes on for 4,282 emails before I get one email from "animalsareouroverlords@ponyville.equ."

"u do good work love ur writing <3"

I smile. That's the fan I love. I kick the negative emails out, but save that one, the diamond in the rough.

Further down the line, two from "info@carouselboutique.equ." One is an ad for their latest dresses. The other is an apology.

Following that... Spam. Yuck. Those die.

Nearer the end, I get some unwanted pictures from "wonderboltgod@ponyville.edu." DELETE.

The last one is from "lamentofaspoon@filthyrichponies.equ."

That was the most precious one of all. No, you can't read it.

The end.

Author's Note

With this, I close out my random pony story for good. It was a run that lasted WAY longer than it ever should have, but I think it's finally time to put the knife in this charcoal steak.

TLDR: IT'S ACTUALLY COMPLETE NOW.

blep

And so, upon the screen, a pony goes "blep."

XIX

Apple Bloom and Rumble woke up in a cave, lit by glass panels on the roof. No one knew how they got there. They were just there. The cave's walls were normal cave walls. The floor, however, was a mixture of marble, wood plank, and steel set up into a singular material called wometite.

"How the hell did we get down here?" Apple Bloom asked.

"How the hell would I know?" Rumble retorted. He pulled out a thousand shades and put them over his eyes. "More shades make you cooler," he informed.

"...Yeah, so... how are we gettin' out?" Apple Bloom asked.

"Blow me."

Apple Bloom did a double-take. "What?"

"Blow me."

Thinking that was weird, Apple Bloom took in a breath of air and exhaled it through pursed lips at Rumble's face.

"Ahh... that's a good blow job."

Apple Bloom went red. "Erm, kay.. how does that help us get out?"

"Doesn't. It just gives me extra... Swaaaaaaaaag..."

Apple Bloom facehooved. "So, are you just goin' t' stand there and look useless or are y'all gonna help me find a way out?"

Rumble procured a bottle of vodka from unknown places and shot the entire bottle down. "Blow me."

The filly groaned.

Sweet Celestia

A keyboard played itself in the distance. The keyboard was fudgy. Twilight Sparkle sat in her room playing darts with this keyboard. It wasn’t a long game, but the keyboard won.
So Twilight Sparkle took a letter.

Dear Princess Celestia,
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! I failed at darts! Please don’t send me back to Magic Kindergarten! I’m not a horrible student! I’ll do better next time! I know you saw me! I know you hate me! Please don’t send me back! I’m a good filly… I’m a really good filly…

She transformed into Colgate.

TOOTHPASTE AND TEETH… TOOTHPASTE AND TEETH… ALL I WANTS ARE TOOTHPASTE AND TEETH… TOOTHPASTE AND TEETH… TOOTHPASTE AND TEETH… ALL I WANTS ARE TOOTHPASTE AND TEETH… TOOTHPASTE AND TEETH… TOOTHPASTE AND TEETH… ALL I WANTS ARE TOOTHPASTE AND TEETH… TOOTHPASTE AND TEETH… TOOTHPASTE AND TEETH… ALL I WANTS ARE TOOTHPASTE AND TEETH… TOOTHPASTE AND TEETH… TOOTHPASTE AND TEETH… ALL I WANTS ARE TOOTHPASTE AND TEETH… TOOTHPASTE AND TEETH… TOOTHPASTE AND TEETH… ALL I WANTS ARE TOOTHPASTE AND TEETH… TOOTHPASTE AND TEETH… TOOTHPASTE AND TEETH… ALL I WANTS ARE TOOTHPASTE AND TEETH… TOOTHPASTE AND TEETH… TOOTHPASTE AND TEETH… ALL I WANTS ARE TOOTHPASTE AND TEETH… TOOTHPASTE AND TEETH… TOOTHPASTE AND TEETH… ALL I WANTS ARE TOOTHPASTE AND TEETH… TOOTHPASTE AND TEETH… TOOTHPASTE AND TEETH… ALL I WANTS ARE TOOTHPASTE AND TEETH… TOOTHPASTE AND TEETH… TOOTHPASTE AND TEETH… ALL I WANTS ARE TOOTHPASTE AND TEETH…

She started nibbling on her leg, which lopped off and became a Totodile. She transformed into PinkieShy – a Fluttershy with Pinkie Pie’s colour scheme. The Totodile ate her left bicuspid.

Six stems stop the stork from stealing streetlamps in Saskatchewan. Six stems stop the stork from stealing streetlamps in Saskatchewan. Six stems stop the stork from stealing streetlamps in Saskatchewan. Six stems stop the stork from stealing streetlamps in Saskatchewan. Six stems stop the stork from stealing streetlamps in Saskatchewan. Six stems stop the stork from stealing streetlamps in Saskatchewan. Six stems stop the stork from stealing streetlamps in Saskatchewan. Six stems stop the stork from stealing streetlamps in Saskatchewan. Six stems stop the stork from stealing streetlamps in Saskatchewan. Six stems stop the stork from stealing streetlamps in Saskatchewan. Six stems stop the stork from stealing streetlamps in Saskatchewan. Six stems stop the stork from stealing streetlamps in Saskatchewan. Six stems stop the stork from stealing streetlamps in Saskatchewan. Six stems stop the stork from stealing streetlamps in Saskatchewan. Six stems stop the stork from stealing streetlamps in Saskatchewan. Six stems stop the stork from stealing streetlamps in Saskatchewan.

Then she polymorphed into Ditto and ate the letter, cackling as the next entry was written in something otherworldly as she licked Lyra’s face, her tongue exposing the wet letter.

Human lover… Human lover… Human lover… Human lover… Human lover… Human lover… Human lover… Human lover… Human lover… Human lover… Human lover… Human lover… Human lover… Human lover… Human lover… Human lover… Human lover… Human lover… Human lover… Human lover… Human lover… Human lover… Human lover… Human lover… Human lover… Human lover… Human lover… Human lover… Human lover… Human lover… Human lover… Human lover… Human lover… Human lover… Human lover… Human lover… Human lover… Human lover… Human lover…

Lyra took the letter and restrained the gelatinous blob. Leading her away, she caught sight of a door constantly being unlocked and locked by a sentient key. She fed it the letter, which sent it on to Princess Celestia.

This letter stinks. I think you should send Twilight to the insane asylum. She’s obviously not… HUMAN!

The letter arrived at Princess Celestia’s castle and she gasped.

Remember that time you first saw the opposite gender’s nethers as a child? The gasp was like that, except twelve million times as awesome, and twenty percent cooler. It lasted through Celestia’s transformations into Night Mare Sol, Night Mare Moon, Discord, each of the seven deadly sins, that Kate character from Lez Ponies (who promptly got jumped by every girl character in history for reasons I will not, nor EVER, explain… great story, by the way – READ IT NOW… well, after you’re done… if you’d like…), Rainbow Dash, Discord again, the reader, and the author.

The author turned into Fluttershy, who was a tree, and the writing sto-

And the author never wrote anything again.

DERPYHOOVESISBESTPONY

LOLIMSOIMMATUREITHURTS

THISISNOWADISCUSSIONABOUTSIMCITY

Buck that.

Angst, ya horny stallion!

Twilight Sparkle was crying. She didnt even know why. She woke up that morning and felt her eyes swimming in her olfactory juice, and just let it all go. Soon Vinyl Scratch, her next-door neighbour who was used to drowning her tears, also began crying. They cried and cried all day. They passed through the marketplace and cried. They met up with friends and cried. They passed the desire to cry to their friends, who in turn passed it on to their friends, who traded tears for fears and poison for black velvet.

A queen walked up and cried tears of pure bohemian rhapsody while Ozzy Osbuck departed in tears from Applejack's house on the crazy train. She was crying, too, though she didn't know why. Ozzy had passed by Twilight on the way to her house and had been happy as a clam. As soon as he saw her, he began to tear up. He had to get away. Everyone had to get away. Nopony could stay in Equestria anymore.

No. Nopony was in pain. Nopony had anyone to blame. They just felt like crying.

Oh, wait. They had a reason.

An army of red and black Gary Stu OC alicorn kings and queens from the backside of the underbelly of brony literature had suddenly taken residence in their happy town. They all cried, and because they weren't accepted, they vengefully casted their magic on anyone else who passed by, making them cry as well. The tears flowed freely throughout the land. Even Equestria itself, casually banging with an also-crying Cloud Kicker, was crying. As such, Cloud Kicker died in the middle of her ultimate climax.

That didn't stop the country or Cloud Kicker's corpse from crying.

Soon the country was flooded with tears, and everypony died. The ponies and the bronies, however, were taken to a far away land flowing with milk, honey, sausage, cheese, coconut milk, demon's breath, blood, and whitewater rafting. They eventually coalesced into humans. Six-hundred-thirty-two of these unfortunate souls were cast upon these shores and given various powers by Din, Farore, and Nayru, otherwise known as Celestia, Luna and Cadence.

Five hundred years later, a boy fell asleep on top of a spire at the edge of a town, beginning the adventure we all know as "Wind Waker". Canon story be damned.

12:03 and Octavia's Real Jorb, Take Two

Okay. Let's try this again. Hopefully we have enough defense this time to avoid any unintended interruptions. Rainbow Dash! Stop wasting the ammo!

"YEAAAHAAH! DIE BUCKERS DIE!! THIS GUN IS SO AWESOME!"

...I shouldn't have put her in charge of the M16.

Wobtick Dood smirked and kibbutzed with Princess Luna while she was lounging on a chair playing chess with life-sized marshmallow sculptures of fire-breathing humans against Discord. She moved her Bishop three-point-eight squarez Northeast as they talked. Discord offered his suggestions, after which they both pointed and laughed at Octavia.

"What?" she asked.

"You spoke Vietnamese." Discord said through chuckles.

"What? What's Vietnamese?" Octavia asked.

Luna smirked and, barely containing a chuckle, replied, "You said it."

She and Discord laughed as she handed thirty-seven point nine nine two bits to the chaos being, which he promptly turned into wienerschnitzel and consumed with forty-six finger pops coming out of his pinkie finger, which he didn't even stick in his mouth to clean.

"Zytharros! Time to move!"

Aww damn! I was hoping not to be interrupted!

"Get the buck outta that bunker!"

I'm goin'! I'm goin, Pinkie! Sheesh. Hope for a time of peace and the Changelings attack. Frickin' Elements of Harm alt-verse... So violent.

10:03 and zzzzzzzzzzzz...

Fuck.

Scootaloo got her cutie mark in creative writing last week. I am so jealous. I could just beat the stuffing out of my sister. Oh look. She's out buckin' trees right now.

I walked outside to greet the bitch when she pulled out a twelve gauge. I retaliated with my little BB gun.

"Careful, sis." She cocked her rifle. "I ain't about to miss."

"I ain't a-tendin' to, neither," I replied.

So began a battle the likes of which could not be written because it was a psychological staring contest. We both stood and waited, ready and waiting for the other to fire. See, when the Elements of Harmony were corrected, they turned Equestria into a bloody war zone where the favourite game of families was this showdown type of entertainment. Seriously. Ponies would just stand and stare at each other for billions of seconds until one collaped from exhaustion or until one actually shot. It was a great spectator sport, even more popular than the Wonderbullets. They comprised the fastest, the most accurate, and finally the quickest-to-reload ponies in Equestria.

We fired our guns and-"

"Sweetie Belle!"

"What?"

"Stop writng that infernal story and help me with my project!"

"...Fiiiiiiiiiine..."

Author's Note

Yes. The last two chapters were, in fact, Sweetie Belle writing fan fiction.

XXIV: The Third Five Thousand Words

"THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END..."

Princess Celestia had been listening to this screaming pink party pony for a while now. For several months, Pinkie Pie had been screaming these two words into her ear and she could not understand why. She had been telling her the funniest and most random collection of stories, when suddenly she just changed to screaming "THE END" over and over in the middle of a story about a guy named Parchment Fold. She had listened to her tell tall tales of delusional cellists, discongruous tales of her student and the other Elements of Harmony, and even sometimes she would throw in a jig about random bands Celestia had never heard about but who would suddenly and inexplicably come into existence and be successful upon this princess of the pleasant gathering's mere mention of their names, including one odd period of about one week where they toured Equestria calling themselves "Mane Six" and performing a huge range of music to audiences that couldn't get enough of them.

That was the first time Celestia had heard of a band making a billion bits per member in a week. They would be comfortable for the rest of their lives.

Regardless, Celestia was now being hounded by this phenomenally wealthy pink pony and screaming those two words. She picked up the pace and ran circles around the gardens, then began screaming back...

"SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP..."

That was the day ponies would refer as "The Cay Celestia Went Mad". She was banished to the hot sun the next day.

Author's Note

So, with my random fic now closed, what should I do to write randomness? Maybe it's time for a season of one-shots based on the tales within WtH.

Or I'll turn Octavia's Real Jorb into a separate saga.

Or both.

Are there any concepts within the story you would like to see expanded? Maybe taken a more serious look at, like I did with Sweetie Bot X?

Wherei

The Abridged Fic That Was Cut Short Due to Bankruptcies in Four Different Timelines

This fic would have starred Scootareader’s mind snapping in a great explosion, and an epic fight between Scootareader and Darkness Awesome, Shadow Incredible, Zytharros, and Sevarros. It really would have. After all the events of the past five instalments of the Wherein-verse, it should have been so simple. But no. Princess Celestia had decided to cut funding after Michael Bay called for nuclear-grade explosives. Darkness Awesome wanted nearly seven thousand times his pay from last movie. Shadow Incredible was unsignable because he was “above a contract”. Scootareader went to an insane asylum. Luna herself wanted to direct, saying “Mine absence from the last episode maketh me so mad I want control.” The Mane Six wanted nothing to do with the train wreck. Fancy Pants and his lover Shining Armour, along with their, *ahem*, dumpster Princess Cadence, banished Wherein 6 from theaters. Filthy Rich abandoned this profitless venture for another slightly more profitable project by some upstart named Short Skirts and Explosions… something about “Charon’s in it” gave him a hard-on or something… that two-bit hack.

Even the internet barfed at the sight of this idea.

I swear! It was a good one. Unfortunately, you don’t get that idea. You don’t get to see Matrix-style writing, highly-choreographed special effects, needless explosions, talentless but highly marketable actors desperate for a bit, or any of that. You get to watch Discord pick his nose.

For two hours.

He’s the only one who would fund this fic, now that anyone without any sense at all stepped away from it. He was the one I was left with. He cost me my last 15 ten-piece coins… and that’s in yen! So here I am, avoiding all shots of ponies in downtown Ponyville, even in the background, while Discord sits in front of me with a big, stupid grin and mines for gold. He knows he has me in a tight spot. I swear he does. I want so badly to film the epic fight scene just behind me. Y’know, the one I mentioned earlier about Scootareader et al. fighting it out, turning Super Saiyan Level Three, and obliterating Equestria in their epic battle for the safety of mankind. Unfortunately, I have to keep this camera trained on Discord and not catch a single glimpse of any other pony in town.

“Do you know how hard this video is, Discord?”

“Hmm? I have no idea what you’re babbling on about. Now just keep filming!”

“We’re parked in front of freaking Sugarcube Corner! I can’t even film Pinkie Pie because Scootareader made me sign a contract saying that I am to avoid filming Pinkie whenever I reference his characters. Do you know how fucking difficult that is!?”

Discord, pulling out yet another piece of snot and flicking it into the ether like a speck of magic, simply chuckled. “You’re the one in a tight financial pinch, not me.”

I groaned. As much as I hated to admit it, he was right.

“Um, pardon me…”

“Shh! Fluttershy! I can’t have you in this film. You said no, remember?”

“Um, I-I just wanted to let you know, Zytharros, that you could f-film me. I know how popular I am, as much as I get s-scared just thinking about it… eep… b-b… but maybe I can help?”

Discord clapped his hands together and smiled. “Oh, meek little Fluttershy saves the day again! I’m sure Zytharros would be more than happy to have you on-set! Right?”

“Sure!”

“Oh, good! Now, be mindful that your one-hundred-fifty yen runs at about one yen per minute per pony, right? So now, instead of having thirty-six yen left, you have eighteen. Oh, isn’t that wonderful? Your film won’t be two-and-a-half hours long. It’ll be two hours and… oh, simple… harmonious math was never my strong suit. Some amount of time left. And you still have to avoid any other pony on-screen.”

“Oh, Discord. I wasn’t saying I’d be in it with you.” Fluttershy smiled sweetly.

“Erm… no?” he asked.

Fluttershy pulled out a knife. Her smile changed to one of psychotic, unstable madness. “No. I’m writing you out.”

A singular, well-placed thrust ensured McDiscord’s became the staple fast food restaurant for gryphons, griffins, hippogriffs, and hippopotami everywhere. Sources would say Discord attacked Fluttershy and he simply fell on the blade because, to ponies, the fact that Fluttershy was a cereal murderer was completely psychologically impossible for them, a fact they usually forgot about, along with their lost friend, family member, worst enemy, et cetera overnight.

Yeah, she got that knife from a cereal box a few years back when knives were acceptable playthings for all children.

I blinked. “Well, that accelerated quickly.”

Fluttershy’s smile snapped back to normal. “N-now, where do you want me to go? What do you want me to do?”

“Let’s go somewhere that ponies aren’t likely to get in my lens and I can focus on you.”

I followed Fluttershy into the woods, where she started coming on to me.

“Let’s lie here together, naked as the dawn, and make hot, passionate love until the Sun itself burns out from our intensity!” she shouted.

I punched her.

And that was how I became an international fugitive, running from anyone and anything that had the capacity to form rational thought. I had no idea ponies were so protective about Fluttershy.

Then again, she did give off the sense of having mind-control powers.

Now, at this point, I met someone who could not have had any idea what went on. I hoped she was a rational being of intelligent thought, and without a doubt one of the calmest ponies on the planet. She had to be, for her position called for it. She could not be a pawn. Not like everyone else. No. Princess Celestia was sure to-

Huh. I’m dead.

Yeah, she got that knife from a cereal box a few years back when knives were acceptable playthings for all children.

I blinked. “Well, that accelerated quickly.”

Fluttershy’s smile snapped back to normal. “N-now, where do you want me to go? What do you want me to do?”

“Let’s go somewhere that ponies aren’t likely to get in my lens and I can focus on you.”

I followed Fluttershy into the woods, where she started coming on to me.

“Let’s lie here together, naked as the dawn, and make hot, passionate love until the Sun itself burns out from our intensity!” she shouted.

I stared at her and we started banging, until tentacles wrapped themselves around my neck and choked me to death.

“You’re now under my power,” she said nicely. “You will obey me and only me.”

“Yes, mistress.”

“Your debt is now paid.”

Yeah, she got that knife from a cereal box a few years back when knives were acceptable playthings for all children.

I blinked. “Well, that accelerated quickly.”

Fluttershy’s smile snapped back to normal. “N-now, where do you want me to go? What do you want me to do?”

“Let’s go somewhere that ponies aren’t likely to get in my lens and I can focus on you.”

I followed Fluttershy into the woods, where she jabbed a gun into my neck.

“Gimme my money,” she muttered, “and no one gets hoyt.”

“No.”

Huh. I died again.

And that was how I woke up here, in a yellow pool of gelatine. I looked around and saw a pony who was a tree, a tree named Fluttershy.

Her roots dug down into the gelatine and pulled me out.

“Write this down, slave,” she said sweetly, “and you won’t die again.”

I smiled. "Flushy."

Huh. I died again. Again.

Wherein The Author Realizes He's Already Passed His Fourth Five Thousand Word Marker and Argues With Himself Furiously for Missing Out on the Usual "And The nth Five Thousand Words" Chapter Conclusion

"What happened?"

I don't know. One minute, I was narrating a meta story about an author and his OCs, and the next, I broke the Seventh Wall by breaking the fourth five thousand word barrier without the obligatory reference. These cracks suddenly appeared Iin the fabric of my imagination, and I've been traveling around in my TURDIS ever since.

"TURDIS? You mean TARDIS, right?"

Oh, not another friggin' Doctor Who reference. No! Not TARDIS! Thoughts Undulating Resonance Dissonance in Schtroumpfs!

"That doesn't even make sense."

My seventh wall is broken! How the heck am I supposed to make any sense when my seventh wall's cracked and spilling particles of psychosis all over my normal thought circuitry! Ah, frick. There goes a Twilight Spar-cow mooing and getting slapped with a parcheesi board by Mega Goku Jeice GX. Not again...

"What can I do to help?"

Oh, go sod off somewhere.

"No, you!"

Seriously, are we going to- k-how!

"Amy Pond. Why do you have Amy Pond in your head?"

"My wife and I have been watching a lot of Doctor Who lately."

"Ow! Stupid scum-sucking... another one!? With a Poké Ball? Why is she holding a Poké Ball, and how can I see that it contains the beginnings of a new self-insert?"

It's my imagination. I do what I want.

"Self-absorbed prick. Like, seriously. You're a self-absorbed prick.I don't know why I put up with you."

You're a manifestation of my personality in the form of a Mettaur with a giant scythe. You don't have much of a choice.

"Damn you, you Hitler's dream Aryan race German Russian arsehole."

I may have blue eyes white dragon, but my hair isn't quite blonde ditz enough.

"Oh, you're so beyond a blonde ditz, you're like Fry when he's starving a brain slug - you actually consume the slug with your thought-nothingness."

Pickles.

"Exactly! You have the.. screeeeech ...what the pig do PICKLES have to do with anything!?"

I haven't had a pickle in so long I'm craving the juice.

"Man-pickle?"

Fffffuuuu... No, you sick trick prick lick stick flick! I'm not gay!

"Homophobe."

Oh for... what, just because I don't fancy the thought of kissing a guy I'm suddenly a gay-hater?

"Homophobe."

...Okay, are you just saying that word to annoy me?

"Homophobe."

...Seriously. Immature, much?

"You called everyone who's gay a 'sick trick prick lick stick flick.' That makes you pretty homophobic."

...Okay, did I call everyone that, or was it just you? Seriously. Check your facts some time.

"Homophobe."

Okay, you Internet troll. You're almost as bad as [NAME REDACTED]. Seriously, if you used 'homophobe' like [NAME REDACTED] did, it would be the newest word to be on the not-fad list.

"...Okay, that was lame."

*sigh*

"I think I've won."

What?! You honestly come in here, rip me like some two-bunk hotshot, and then expect to waltz out claiming victory?

"Your Seventh Wall is down. I can do whatever I want."

Wait! Don't... aw, frick. Sevarros is loose...

*cackling in the distance*

I hope no one tries to write a story about a psychotic yellow Mettaur with a giant scythe... y'know, the yellow construction-hat bot with round feet and a black body from Mega Man?

Those dudes. Except imagine him with a scythe like this.

And a rather crazy look in his eyes.

...

Oh shit. He just lopped off Scootareader's head... I'm off to mitigate any damages with the real Scootaread-aw fudge buckets. He's dead, too.

Well, at least the harem of Rainbow Dash he acquired is going strong...

...

Nope, they're dead, too.

SAKORATONAMALAREIEEEE

SUM DUD WHACKED INTO DA PAK AN SAID, "PONIES."
ANUDDA DUD WHACKED INTO DA PAK AN COOKIESANSKREAMED, "DAISIES!"
A TURD DUD WHACKED INTO DA PAK AND WIZZPERD, "PIE NAP PULLS..."

"PONIES."
"DAISIES!"
"PINE NAP PULLS..."

Twilight Sparkle watched Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy as they stood in the middle of a field with derp-eyes saying nonsense to each other and took a long swig of her beer. She looked up at the sky, groaned, and face-hoofed.

"I'm not drunk enough to be a part of your stories anymore..."

Her face met the table with a groan.

QTEE MAHK KROOSAYDURRZ

An eight and a nine and a four and a three... I wondered what kind of sonnet would be.
It screams silent and quiet as riots divide us and Fluttershy flutters by and fries fries on Gaius

And sings the cold rings and a sparrow ye be as we decide to give charity to these Rarities three
So the trio of Rarity came to speak of disparity as seals would carry a tune to her fleas

And as we illuminate thus we show Gus and all the pus as it makes a great yellow stain
As big as a sawmill cuts down Ron's new cog fill and Applejack's bog tilling makes them a pain

But houses and riptides call out the blue slip mites and tripwires flip tires on Sunday afternoon
As Popeye and Twilight make room to bed down at night slipping into latex that's just far too tight

And as Popeye rips one Pinkie Pie lays on the horn that Applejack gave her from her truck
And thue ends the latex so they dress in bags vexing ponies from Amareica to Tanzarbuck.

Author's Note

WAT AM I WRITING