Say It Ain't So

Chapter Six: Undone

If you want to destroy my sweater,

Hold this thread as I walk away…

Empty.

I feel empty.

Like my insides have been removed, leaving nothing but a hollow shell. Everything that made me me, everything I thought I knew about myself, feels like it’s vanished, and I’m just left here, wandering listlessly, with nowhere to go. A ship without a captain, a taxi with no driver. I am Caramel, the world’s most useless pony.

Melodramatic?

Maybe.

Accurate?

Unfortunately so.

Mac popped the question the next night. She said yes, obviously.

Why wouldn’t she?

I stayed inside all day Sunday, watching horror movies without really paying attention, and just generally feeling like the roof could collapse on my head and I wouldn’t really notice or care.

On Monday, I got up, showered, and went to work. I did my job, chatted with the customers, even cracked a joke or two. Afterwards, I went home, laid on the couch listening to sad songs and stared at the ceiling for a while, then had dinner and went to bed.

I did the same thing on Tuesday.

And Wednesday.

Thursday, too.

And just to mix things up, I did the same thing on Friday.

I figure if I just go about things like everything’s fine, then maybe, possibly, eventually, things actually will be fine.

It’s a flawed method, but it’s gotten me through most of my life…

Cheerilee came in on Wednesday to get the foal’s shoes repaired. She chatted with me about how happy she is to be getting married. I told her I was happy for her.

I don’t think she really bought it, but she was also too excited to really notice.

Again, why wouldn’t she be?

Mac came by the apartment on Sunday. Steam answered the door, thankfully. He told him I was fine, just feeling a bit sick. Maybe I had a stomach bug or something. He didn’t like lying to Mac like that, but he did it anyways. For me.

I don’t know what I’d do with Steam sometimes.

Mac came back again on Thursday. Steam was out, so I had to answer the door myself. I told Mac that I was fine, just feeling a bit under the weather still. He told me that he wanted to have a party on Saturday night. A pre-bachelor party/celebration for his recent engagement sort of thing. Nothing big, just him and one or two of his close friends. He wanted me to come. I told him I’d think about it, and congratulated him again.

I don’t think he bought it, either.

To be honest, I don’t think I did too.

And now here we are. On Saturday. The big day. And I’m in the position that I’ve become accustomed to this past week: On the couch, flat on my back, listening to a record that I didn’t even look at before I threw it on but has some fittingly sad piano, and staring at the ceiling, wondering what malevolent spirit or god I pissed off to wind up in this situation.

Woe is me, and other such idioms.

I hear the front door open, but I don’t bother to look. I hear a pair of saddlebags hit the floor before Steam Whistle walks into my view. He looks at me with the same sympathy he had that night in the bathroom. “Hey buddy, how you feeling today?”

I don’t say anything, which causes Steam to sigh. Looking at me for a moment, he turns and flicks a switch on the Hi-Fi. The needle gently returns, and the room is filled with nothing but silence. He turns back to me, his look of sympathy now tinged with exasperation. “Mel, you can’t keep going on like this.”

“Is there some rule that says I’m not allowed to be sad?” I ask, turning to him.

Steam stares at me for a moment, before sighing again. He trots over to the couch and climbs up on it, gently resting my head on his lap as he does.

“Of course you’re allowed to be sad, Mel. Celestia knows you have every reason to be upset, and it’s good that you’re allowing yourself to feel sad and not bottling it up.”

“So what’s the problem then?”

“The problem is you’re allowed to be sad up to a point. You can’t keep sitting around all day feeling sad and miserable, Mel. It’s not healthy for you to keep doing this to yourself, and it’s certainly not good for your emotional state.” Steam says, and begins gently stroking my head. It feels kind of nice, actually.

I sigh and look him in the eyes. “I know it’s not good for me, Steam. Just like I knew it wasn’t good for me to keep my secret in.” Steam winces at that, but I keep going “But how can I not feel this way? He’s getting married, and I’m just supposed to pretend I’m okay with it?” I look away, closing my eyes and just focusing on the gentle motions of his hoof on my head.

“I know, buddy. I know. It’s not the ideal situation at all.”

I sigh “This whole mess would’ve been so much easier if I was straight…”

His hoof stops suddenly. “Caramel, look at me.”

I do, and I’m surprised to see his sympathetic expression has turned stern. “Don’t ever think like that, okay? You can’t change who love you anymore than I can change the fact I’m a pegasus. Just because you’re in a bad situation doesn’t mean you should want to change who you are.”

I look away, feeling slightly ashamed “I-I know, Steam, I do, but what am I supposed to do now? I still...I still love him. I love him, and he’s marrying somepony else. What am I supposed to do about this?” I close my eyes, feeling a few tears escaping. Steam’s hoof resumes stroking, and I allow myself to just think about nothing and lose myself in the feeling.

We sit quietly like that for a few moments, before Steam breaks the silence “Do you remember Candy Stripes?”

I open my eyes at look at him, taking a second to recall the name “The nurse we had at the high school? Sort of, yeah. Why?”

“I never really told anyone this, but when I first started high school, for some reason I got it in my head that I was going to marry her.” I send him a look. “I’m serious. Even though she was twice my age and was married with kids, I honestly believed that I was going to marry her and spend my life with her. It was a silly school crush, yes, but that didn’t make it any less real to me. But one day, around the end of sophomore year, I was walking by her office, and I saw her in there with one of her foals. And all of a sudden, it just hit me. That it was never going to happen. That no matter what I thought or did, I wasn’t going to marry her and spend my life with her. And I was sad and upset, of course of I was. But I also realized something that day, Mel.”

I look up at him, and he continues. “I realized that there are some things in life that we are never going to have. That no matter how hard we try or want it, there are things that just aren’t going to happen. And we have to learn to accept it. Is it easy? Celestia no, it isn’t. It’s one of the hardest things we have to do. Anyone who tells you that it’s easy to get over someone or something is a bold-faced liar. It’s hard, and painful, and it sucks big time, buddy. But we do it anyways, and you know why?”

He looks at me “Because we have to. We have to, because it’s a part of life. We need to be able to move on. If we did nothing but dwell on the past, we’d never be able to progress to the future. If all you do is focus on the things that you can never have, you’ll never be able to look past them and see the things youdo have. It’s hard to do, but we have to be strong and do it. And Mel, you are strong.” I start to say something, but he cuts me off “Don’t try and tell me you’re not, because you are. You know how I know? Because you’ve lived most of your life in love with a pony who doesn’t know, and yet everyday you get up and you talk to him and you continue on with your life. That’s hard, Caramel. When I was in love with Candy Stripes, that shit ate away at me everyday, and I couldn’t stand it, and that was only for a year or two! But you, you’ve done it for most of your life, and you know why you did it for so long?” I don’t bother to respond, Steam’s on a roll now “Because you know that even if Mac didn’t return your feelings, you were going to be okay. And you still are, Mel. I’m not just saying this to cheer you up or make you feel better, I’m saying it because it’s true. You’re going to get through this, Mel. It’s not going to be easy, or fun, but you’ll get through it. And you don’t have to do it alone. You know I’ll always be here to help you. Will you always have feelings for Big Mac? Maybe. But you’ll learn to accept it and move on. And I’m sure you’ll find someone for you down the line. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, or even five or ten years from now, but someday you will. Because you are going to be okay.”

I’m left speechless. In all the years I’ve known Steam, I don’t think I’ve ever heard him talk so passionately about something.

But he’s not done yet. “And Mel, it’s not just for yourself that you need to move on, although that’s the most important reason. You also need to move on for your friends.” He looks away for a second, then looks back at me “I ran into Big Mac when I was out today. He’s really worried about you, Mel.” The thought of Mac being worried about me sends a chill through me, and I struggle to swallow the lump in my throat. “I know you don’t want to hear it because it’s going to be hard, but you have to talk to him at some point about how you feel. When you and I were talking last Friday about telling him, what was the biggest reason why you didn’t want to tell him?”

I manage to force the words past the lump “I-I didn’t want to tell him because I didn’t want to risk losing him as a friend…”

“Exactly. You value his friendship above all else. But Mel, if you keep avoiding him like this and keep focusing on how you’ll never be together, it’s going to strain your friendship, and I know you don’t want that. I don’t want that for you. So even though I know you still feel upset and I know you don’t want to talk to him, I need you to ask yourself: Is avoiding the issue and not moving on really worth losing your friendship with him?”

I swallow hard and think about it. Mac has been my closest friend since I was little. I can talk openly with him the way I can’t with others, and he’s always been at the forefront of my life. There’s nopony else in my life like Big Mac, and I don’t think there ever will be again. The thought of not being able to be with him hurts, the thought of having to watch him start a life with somepony else hurts more.

But the thought of not having him in my life altogether, of never being able to talk to somepony the way I can talk to him, of never hearing him tell those stories of his in that adorable accent, is unbearable.

I don’t know if Steam’s right about me finding somepony else down the line, I don’t know if I would ever find somepony I love as much as Big Macintosh. But I do know that I’ll never be able to find a friend as special as him.

I can’t lose him.

I have to try.

For my sake.

And for his.

“O-Okay.” I finally manage to speak “O-Okay, Steam. I’ll try.”

Steam smiles warmly at me. “That’s all we can do, Mel.”

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. When I let it out, I can feel most of the weight that’s been on my shoulders the past week start to lift. Feels nice.

I sit there for a few moments, letting Steam continue to stroke my head (It’s surprisingly comforting), before I look at him. “Hey Steam?”

“Yeah bud?”

“Y-You know that party, that Big Mac is having tonight?”

“Yeah?”

“...I should probably go to that, s-shouldn’t I?”

He looks at me “Mel, you don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to. But honestly? I think it would be good for you. The first step is always the hardest, and I think the party would be a good first step.”

“Y-Yeah? Why’s that?”

“Well, for one, there’s going to be other ponies there, so you won’t have to talk to him alone. Two, it’s going to be a friendly atmosphere, so that should help you relax a bit. And three, I think it would put Big Mac’s mind at ease to know you’re okay. And I think it would put your own mind at ease, as well. I think you’ll go there, you’ll have a couple brews, listen to some dumb funny stories, and you’ll see that everything’s still the same, that you’ll always have your best bud to hang out with. And if you get there, and you find you’re really uncomfortable or not ready yet, you can always come home early.”

“Y-Yeah?”

“Yeah, bud.” Steam replies, patting my head a few times.

I take another deep breath and let it out slowly, before looking at him with a half smirk “Y’know, for a supposedly straight pony, you’re awfully keen on touching my head.”

“Being straight doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to show my fellow stallion some love.” Steam replies, before squishing my cheeks between his hooves “Besides, how could I resist such a handsome face?”

“Yeah, definitely questioning your sexuality now.” I reply through my squished muzzle.

Steam laughs, before hooking his forelegs under my armpits and pulling me up into a backwards hug. “You know I’m always going to be here for ya, bud.”

“Yeah, yeah.” I reply, feeling his chest rest against my back. I take another breath and blow it out slowly. “When did my life get so dramatic?”

“Everypony’s life is dramatic. Some just more than others.” Steam says, putting his head over my shoulder. “But we still carry on. And Mel,” Without warning, I suddenly feel Steam’s muzzle right against my ear. “Do you know how I know things are going to be okay?” He whispers.

I recognize that tone. Oh no.

“Because…”

Before I can get away, his hooves tighten around my chest, and I feel myself being rocked from side to side.

And then the most horrendous noise in Equestria penetrates my ears.

“Theeeeeeeeeee sun’ll come out, tomorrow!”

“Oh dear Celestia.”

“So you gotta hang on ‘till tomorrow!”

“Please stop.”

“Come what may!”

“I’m in Tartarus. I’m literally in Tartarus.”

“Tomorrow, Tomorrow!”

“Why me?”

“I love ya, tomorrow!”

“You’re making me depressed again.”

“You’re always a daaaaaaaaaaaaaay…”

“What did I do to deserve this?”

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...”

“Somepony kill me please.”

“Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!” With one final rock, Steam sends us both tumbling to the floor. We land in a heap, with Steam landing on top of me. I look up, and see he’s got one of the biggest, dumbest grins I’ve ever seen.

And then, I let out the first genuine laugh I’ve had all week.

I pull myself out from under him, brushing myself off while I do. “You know, you have a very annoying way of making me feel happy when I want to be sad.”

Steam shrugs at me “What can I say? It’s what I do.” He gives a mock bow, before looking at me again. “Listen, if you are going to go to this thing tonight, you should probably go and shower soon, because you’re my buddy and I love you, but you kind of smell like a Diamond Dog’s buttcrack right now.”

“Gee, thanks.” I reply sarcastically, before looking at the clock and sighing. “I’m really going to this thing, aren’t I?”

I feel his hoof on my shoulder, and turn to look at him. “You don’t have to go if you really don’t want to.”

“N-No, no, you’re right. This will be good for me, and I do want to get things back on track with him.” I look away and sigh before turning back “It’s just not going to be fun listening to him go on about her all night, that’s all.”

Steams looks at me for a moment. “Wait here a sec.” He turns and trots quickly into the kitchen. I watch him root around in the fridge for a second, curious. After a moment, he returns and presents me with a plate of what looks like chocolate brownies.

I start to say something, but then catch a whiff of the very pungent smell coming off the brownies, and I realize that he didn’t get these kinds of brownies at Sugar Cube Corner. “Special Brownies?” I ask, eyebrow raised.

Steam nods. “Uh-huh. Manny and I baked them earlier today.” When he sees my questioning look, he continues “I’ll throw some in a paper bag, and you can toss ‘em in your saddlebags. That way, if you get to the party and you’re nervous or not having a good time, you can have one or two. At least then things might be more enjoyable for you.”

I start to decline, but then reconsider. He’s got a point. Considering that there’s most likely going to be lots of talk about Mac and Cheerilee tonight, it might not be a bad idea to get stoned. At least then I might be able to tolerate it more. “Alright. Thanks, Steam.”

“No problem, bud. You know I got your back. Now go shower, stink-butt.” He says with a wink, playfully slapping me with his tail as he turns around.

I head towards the bathroom, mentally preparing myself. I can do this. It’s just a party. Steam’s right. I’ll get there, and I’ll see that everything is still the same between me and Mac. And if I really can’t stand listening to him go on about her, I can have a brownie or I can leave early. I can get through this.

How bad can it possibly be?