Why Humans Shouldn't be Allowed in Equestria

So Twilight, Aranea & I walked up to that gigantic castle. Where they got the material I don't know. Looking at my new coat, and the gemstone buttons that'd make it a fortune on Earth told me that trying to apply Earth economics to this was a waste of time. The inside was equally impressive. Everything looked priceless. Yeah, seeing this kind of thing stayed the equivalent of mind-blowing-but-mentally-manageable for quite a while. Maybe if the shock to being in another world didn't take so long to fade it wouldn't be as awesome. It faded quickly this time. Not so much because the rooms we passed through weren't getting any less grand, but because the destination was just too weird. There was a basement that went underground from our wing of the castle. The result was a mix of crystal and dirt on the walls, with machines that a sci-fi flick wouldn't have used since the 70s. A lot of boxy designs and small lights. Most of it was turned off, from what I could tell. Twilight turned to Aranea. “This requires a clean environment. You have to stay out for this.”

Aranea froze, obviously worried about what could happen to her. “B-But...”

I stepped in. “It's ok Aranea. Twilight, can I bum some cash?”

Twilight looked at me quizzically “bum some cash?”

“Borrow some money. I'll pay you back when I get a job.”

“Oh. What do you need money for now?”

“Not for me. This' gonna take a while. For Aranea to go see a show or something.”

“There's a library in another wing of the castle.” she noted with agitation.

“That'll do. Don't worry Aranea, if anyone shows up and gives you trouble there'll be hell to pay.”

Aranea's turn to look confused (Emotions still looked kind of flat, but it was there). “Hell to pay? I do not have more bits.”

I smirked “It's a saying from home. Not about money, so don't worry about it.” It worked well enough. She didn't want to leave, but gave up and went back upstairs. Turning back to Twilight “Let's make it simple, I can give an answer for every one you give.” putting a fingertip to her horn, then remembering and pulling it away before contact. “Starting with why Luna didn't have me killed on the spot, I guess.”

Twilight perked up, presumably at the idea of the knowledge exchange. “That's simple enough. When Luna pointed her horn at you and that... fight happened, it became what amounts to a battle of honor. Doing... that... drains energy. If she couldn't so much as hurt you at full power, she surrendered after it. It's an old law that hasn't been used for hundreds of years. In fact, doing it the way, erm, the way you did is considered a humiliating way to lose a duel. By the ancient laws princess Luna is indebted to you – within reason.” She was quick to add that part. Wonder what I could have claimed? Considering I don't want a pony concubine, I didn't press for those details. Better to not usurp the natural order anyway. Alicorn or not, trying to take advantage of it too much would bring everything down on me – including everything that could really hurt. Maybe I'm thinking too highly of myself. I nodded. It reminded of old civilizations. Didn't think anyone here was that far behind. “And this is normal?”

“No.” she flatly stated. That was actually kind of a relief. Didn't want to be in a world where everything was dark ages ass-backward, even if I could be high on it. Something always happens, even to the top. “My turn. What's life like on Earth?”

I thought for a moment. “That's way more than I can say, really. There's a lot of countries, lot of cultures. I can tell you what I know of where I grew up, in America.”

Twilight's turn to nod. “There are a lot of countries here too. I understand. So, tell me what it was like in this 'America'”

“Well, officially it's “The United States of America”, there's a bunch of countries in North and South America. There's two hundred or something overall – the entire world I mean. Some of them others don't recognize as a country. Lot of politics on Earth...”

That's another mark against home. I might see a similar level of bullshit here. Or maybe not. Snapping out of it, I continued. I explained life in the Midwest as well as I could, and a little bit about the rest of it. The right and left, and how they're both nuts. Now that I really think about it, this place is looking better and better. Now to find out if Equestria was just as full of it. No better question to think of. “So what's it like here?”

I could've asked it better, but being the local brain, she seemed to figure out what I meant. She told me about Equestria and a baseline of some other kingdoms. It was kind of like Earth, but if monarchies or most kinds of government weren't tremendous fuckups.

We started on a line of comparison. Bits were money, elections were pretty much the same (Sans attack ads), the princesses have pretty much always been around (That took a moment to process), and life in general here was a similar – if low-tech – take on what I knew (She asked if the Amish were ponies there). Then came the heavy stuff.

“What are ponies on your world? Do you have them?”

“We have them, yeah. But it's not like here. Only humans are really smart. Others can be trained, but everything else is some kind of animal, so to speak. Ponies there aren't intelligent. Humans ride them.”

“Ride them?”

“Yeah, sit on them. Ponies, horses, camels, they carry stuff and people to other places.”

“That's horrible!”

“There's nothing here that isn't sentient?”

“Well, yes, a few.”

“It's like that, I guess. Remember, it's not like here. Speaking of which, where can I get some meat? Humans need meat.” I just fucked up. Big time.

“You eat pony!?”

“Er, no. Not in America anyway.” Not any better.

“Some do? That's... that's...”

“Not like here.” I interrupted. “Like I said, only humans are intelligent on my world. Is there anything here that eats meat?”

“Well, griffins eat fish.”

“Fish is good. Fish aren't sentient here, are they?”

“Well, no...”

“Then it's like that. Probably.” Twilight calmed down. Still somewhat uneasy, but no longer horrified at the concept. Think I just avoided a genocide of one.

“Why doesn't magic work on me?”

Twilight got more energy than I'd seen her before. It was bordering Pinkie-levels. That was scary. “Let me recalibrate one of my testing devices and we can find out!” The one with a lot of lights, and something resembling a colander with wires lit up something fierce. It matched her horn.

“These things run on magic too?”

“Everything 'runs on magic' here. It's the power-source of the world, after all. Explains more than it should. Well, if magic can't hurt me, I don't have anything to worry about here. I allowed myself to be led to a chair, and the colander-looking headpiece was put on my head. The machine started to buzz with the application of horn-light, and needles started moving back and forth. “I've recalibrated it to detect natural magic, similar to the internal magic of earth ponies and pegasi Now let's see what it reads... That shouldn't happen...”

The needles stuck to the left, and a dial on the top spun counter-clockwise. It looked like it was overheating. I ripped the headgear off of my dome before it could fry me. With nothing to read off of, it settled to its neutral place.

She looked over a paper sheet stretching from the machine to the floor. “Negative value? That's impossible... Everything has a magical value of zero or greater.” She stopped to think, and I did the same. We hit on the answer at the same time.

“There's negative magic in your world?”
“I'm the opposite of magic!”

“Wait, what?” she asked.

“There's no magic on Earth. At all. We must have the opposite.”

“So... being magically the opposite, you repel magical energy?”

“Seems like it. Like pushing the same ends of two magnets together.”

“So that's why even Luna couldn't affect you. But why that foal in school?”

“Think she said she threw her desk at me.”

“And that... doesn't count?”

“The desk hit me, not magic.”

“Oh. Makes sense.”

That's how we figured out why I looked like I was invincible.

“Oh yeah. I kind of blanked when I realized that I wasn't on Earth. Might want to send a 'sorry' letter to that kid. Must've freaked her out.”

“Yes, you were following us to the hospital without saying anything. It was like you weren't there, so to speak. Celestia took her as her new personal student after that.”

“That's rare?”

“Yes. Last pony to become her personal student was me, and I turned my test-judges into cacti.”

“O...K...” Magic or not, some things will blindside you. “So what's your next question?”

“Human anatomy, since there are books on the subject of pony anatomy in the library. Are all humans... um, that small?”

Fuck.