Light The Fuse!

Prologue: No More Booms… On Pandora!

Southern Shelf, Pandora

It was as a nice day in the Southern Shelf of Pandora as it would ever be for a Frozen Wasteland, and all the bandits were having a good time. Actually, only three specific bandits were having a good time, A psycho called “Nugget” and his only two friends, Boom and Bewm.

The only reason these three specific bandits were having a good time was because they were playing Nugget’s favorite ‘game’. It was called “Kill everyone you know just because you can!”

Of course, having the best weapons on their side and a gigantic cannon bigger than knuckle dragger himself.always assured that a member of the aforementioned trio was always victorious.

“Why do we always have to play this game right when I have use the shit-hole!?” One bandit yelled from the port-o-potty. His voice sounded somewhat muffled, as the door was closed.

A grenade could be heard whistling through the air. It landed right next to the port-o-potty with a metallic clink. The bandit seemed to have heard the grenade, as he sighed loudly, before saying “Every… Single… Time...”

After a few seconds, the grenade exploded, sending the port-o-potty and the bandit inside of it tumbling down the hill.

More explosions rocked the camp, sending body parts, chunks of frozen dirt and ice, and even pieces of buildings flying through the air.

Once all of their fellow bandits were dead, Boom, Bewm, and Nugget converged in the center of the camp.

All three of them stared warily at the each other, not wanting to make the first move.

Finally, Nugget broke the silence by screaming, “YOU’RE GONNA BE MY NEW MEAT BICYCLE!” Nugget proceeded to rush at Boom, who began to run back towards his cannon, adequately named big Bertha.

“Why did I leave my cannon in the first place!?” Boom questioned himself.

As Boom made a beeline for Big Bertha, Bewm flew through the air, and landed on Nugget’s shoulders. Bewm grabbed his neck and began to choke Nugget out, slowing him down and nearly ending his chase, which gave Boom plenty of time to get to big Bertha.

Boom finally made it to Big Bertha and began climbing up to the gunners seat. He could also here Nugget and Bewm nearing his cannon. “Shit! Shit! Shit!” Boom cursed his bad luck, then proceeded to increase his climbing speed.

As soon as he reached the cannon, he jumped in the gunner’s seat and yelled, “Light the fuse, bitches” Before he turned towards Bewm and Nugget ready to fire at them. When he saw both of them fighting, he had to stifle a laugh. Bewm was doing a handstand on Nugget’s shoulders with one hand. He was trying to pull the pin from a grenade he had held in his mouth with the other. Nugget was running backwards with his neck bent back while trying to grab Bewm of his shoulders. Every time he’d grab for Bewm, Bewm would jump with his one hand, avoiding Nugget’s grabs.

When they heard the cannon, both Bewm and Nugget stopped and looked towards the cannon. Bewm yelped, while Nugget just laughed strafed to the side. Bewm was unable to react quickly enough and was tossed off of Nugget’s shoulders right into Big Bertha’s line of fire.

Boom smiled and fired at Bewm, turning him to nothing but blackened ash. “BOOM, NYAH!” He screeched in victory.

Boom’s victory cry was cut short as Nugget came charging forward, he was much faster than the reloading mechanisms of Boom’s cannon, and was able to leap on top of Big Bertha, were he quickly knocked Boom off with a headbutt, before he grabbed the controls on Big Bertha and began firing off shells every time it reloaded.

One shell was fired at such a perfect angle, that it barreled towards the New-U station, were Bewm and the rest of the bandits were waiting for the ‘game’ to end. Bewm and the others noticed the shell coming and moved out of the way.

The New-U station wasn’t so lucky, it was hit directly, breaking it in half and destroying multiple of it’s more integral.

Many of the Bandits groaned and scattered, not wanting to die in another freak accident and have to walk all the way back to the camp from another New-U station. Many of them were already complaining about the money they had lost to pay for their reconstruction.

Boom crawled back on top of Big Bertha, and said, “God dammit nugget, you made the New-U station go boom!”

Nugget just turned towards Boom, before screaming, “You're gonna be my new momma!” Then proceeded to cleave Boom’s head in half with his buzz axe.

He body dissipated in a geyser of blue light before it reformed at the nearest New-U station, which happened to be a few miles away from his camp.

“It took $666 dollars from me! I swear that this New-U station is the devil.” Boo walked grumbled as he walked away. The New-U station could also be heard saying something, “Hyperion recommends checking for any excess limbs before continuing on your adventure.”

Boom’s eyes widened and he looked over his body but didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary. For now.

* * *

Later that day, both Boom and Bewm were sitting in their quarters, eating dinner. It was as special meal that Boom had cooked he called it “Skag Burgers”. Both had their masks off, but only boom was eating

“Um… Boom?” Boom’s younger, and much smaller brother, said, trying to get his older brother’s attention.

“What do you want Bewm? Hey... you haven’t eaten the scag burgers I made you. Eat your damn scag burgers!”

“I just wanted to tell you something. it’s making it kinda hard to eat.” Bewm said, grimacing as eyes darted towards Boom.

“Just spit it out already!” Boom said, more aggravated than earlier.

“Well, there’s something wrong with your face… let’s just say that it’s… onthebackofyourhead!” Bewm said quickly, trying not to incur the wrath of his much stronger brother.

Boom spit out a chewed up wad of food, before yelling, “What!”

“Well, i-it’s not your actual face, it’s more like a mask, but it has eyes and everything, it’s really creepy!” Bewm rambled nervously.

Meanwhile, felt around on the back of his head, at first, he didn’t feel anything, but then he felt a large patch of missing hair. He felt something wet and somewhat squishy. He realized it was an eye. His eye. On the back of his head.

Then he remembered something he had heard earlier. “Hyperion suggests that you check for extra limbs before proceeding on your adventure.”

He certainly hadn't had any extra limbs, but he had an extra face. For god’s sake! At least an extra finger would have been have been a common sight, but an extra face was just creepy and weird!

“HYPERIOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNN!” Boom screamed at the top of his lungs. before smashed his plate.

At the same time, Nugget pushed the door open with all his might, causing it to break right of the hinges, and fly out the window. A meaty thwack could be heard and a bandit screamed, “My leg!” Multiple thuds followed suite, and the bandit hit by the door could be seen rolling down the hill. The door was also rolling after him, smacking into him continuously.

“My Squidlyspooch! My Arm! My Spine! My Face!” The bandit screeched in agony every time he was hit.

“Hey Boom! Hey Bewm! I fixed the New-U station!” Nugget screamed at them, causing Bewm’s eardrums to bleed. Bewm took no notice, and yelled what, “What!?” at Nugget.

“I SAID I GOT THE NEW-U STATION FIXED!” Nugget replied, causing the building to shake.

“WHAT!” Bewm yelled in an even louder voice, causing a few bits of plaster to fall from the ceiling!

“ENOOOOOOOOOUUUUUGH!” Boom screeched, rubbing his throat raw and silencing both Bewm and Nugget in the process.

“Now, how did you fix the New-U station Nugget? You didn't try to put it back together by attaching both pieces to bandit again, did you?”

Flashback

Earlier that day…

A bandit could be seen, the upper half of the New-U station could be seen taped to his head, and his feet taped to the bottom half, everything was stood up-straight, and multiple wires were attached to the bandit.

The bandit appeared to be asleep, he gave a loud, jolting snore, before he woke up.

“Huh? What’s happening?” He slurred, he suddenly perked up as his eyes focused and he took note of his position. “Oh Shit…”

“TEST TRIAL OF ORGANIC BANDIT NEW-U STATION, GO!” Nugget then flipped on the power, electrocuting the bandit and knocking him out, Boom was able to stop him before he killed the bandit.

End Flashback

“Nope! I used parts from the fast travel station!” Nugget said with a smile.

“I guess that works…”

The bandit who had been hit by the door could be heard again, “There’s a Bullymong!” With that final scream of terror, Boom and Bewm’s cabin began to shake violently, it seemed as if it would collapse at a moment's notice.

Luckily, after a few seconds, it stopped shaking.

Bewm, who eardrums were now healed thanks to a medkit, said, “Whew! that was a close-”

Before Bewm could finish, a massive pile of snow fell of the nearby cliff and onto the cabin, into the cabin, collapsing it and burying all three bandits in freezing snow.

“-One” Bewm finished, sounding muffled from under the snow

“You just had to jinx it didn’t you, didn’t you?” Bewm growled.

“Oh, oh, oh! Let’s the play piss in the snow game!” Nugget yelled.

Both bandit’s could be heard screaming for nugget to stop.

=====

Later, in the infirmary, all three bandits were dripping with a foul smelling mixture of urine and melted snow.

Boom grumbled to himself continuously. Before his brother tried to cheer him up. “Hey, at least nugget kept us from freezing to death, am I right?”

“Shut Bewm.”

All three bandits were silent for quite some time. Boom focused on how his day was going. Bewm, on the other hand was a little upset by his brothers outburst, and Nugget, well. Who the hell knows what nugget was thinking about?

AFter some time of this, another marauder burst through the door looking hysteric. “Some vault hunters are trying to get through the gate!”

“Just one thing after another isn’t it!” Boom said.

“Well, at least we get to blow stuff up!” Bewm said, sounding a bit happier.

“Candy!” Nugget added helpfully.

“Oh, yeah. Here take your candy.” Boom said, handing Nugget a bag of white powder. “Remember, only a little bit at a time!”

“Okee!”

=====

Two Vault Hunters, who both looked suspiciously like Axton, were running about throwing grenades and mowing down bandits.

Boom jumped onto Big Bertha, screaming out orders, and Bewm jumped into the fray, laughing with glee as he sent explosive shot in every direction, ready to blow some vault hunters away. Of course, Nugget was nowhere to be seen.

“Light the fuse bitches! I’m ready to Blow!” Boom yelled at the two Axtons.

As Bewm landed in front one of the Axtons. The Axton screamed, “Killer baby! Killer Baby!” Before he fired at Bewm, who sent a wave of explosive shot at the Axton in return.

“I’m not a baby…” Bewm Mumbled, as he activated his jetpack and flew into the air after the other Axton.

Meanwhile the other axton was taking pot shots at big Bertha from cover, while Boom became increasingly agitated with every miss. While the force and heat of the explosion at hurt Boom somewhat, he was better off than Boom’s cannon, which was spewing out smoke from within it’s internal workings.

“Fuck it all!” Boom yelled, as Big Bertha took too much damage ground to a halt. He pulled the pin on one of his many grenades and put it in the pocket of his vest, before charging at the Axton in cover.

As he neared the Axton, he lunged forward, tackling the enemy hunter to the ground. His grenade went off detonating all his other explosives. The mercenary ended up in his ‘downed’ state, while Boom was thrown into the air, or what was left of him was.

The other Axton, noticing was twin was down, made a full on sprint to revive him. He began healing his ally almost immediately.

Bewm instantly noticed this and yelled, “That’s not fair! Why can’t we do that?!”

He fired multiple blasts from his shotgun at the Axton, who lobbed a grenade in retaliation. Bewm bounced the grenade up in the air with the flat of his hand, before spiking it at the Axton over an invisible volleyball net. The grenade exploded, stopping Axton from revving his identical twin once again.

The downed Axton went limp and was enveloped in blue light a second later.

“How do you like that!” Bewm yelled at Axton. He flew high into the air, before landing feet first on the ground behind the Axton. “Ima blow you sky hig-”. It was at that moment that Bewm had noticed that he had landed directly in front of Axton’s sentry gun.

Bewm dodged and strafed about, trying to avoid the gun’s fire. He succeeded, and after a bit, managed to damage the stationary turret beyond repair. It shut down instantly, just before exploding.

The moment the sentry gun went down, Axton threw another grenade. “This again? Didn't you learn your lesson last time?” Bewm sounded quite confidant, and of course knocked the grenade into the air again with the flat of his hand.

Unluckily, when Bewm went to spike the grenade he realized that it was not rising through the air, but had instead stuck to his hand. “What the?!?” He shook his hand violently and cursed fate. He now knew that the turret was simply a distraction. While Bewm had battled the turret, Axton had switched grenade mods.

As the grenade exploded, his final words were, “That’s… not fair… either…” His remains were enveloped in a blue beam light.

Meanwhile, Nugget lay on the ground spasming violently. “Candy… no... good…”. As it turned out, Candy was code for an extremely potent steroids. Nugget had not taken Boom’s advice, and instead of taking a little bit of the potent drugs, he had taken them all at once.

Now, Nugget was dying from an overdose.

Finally, his spasm subsided, and Nugget was enveloped in a blue light.

Nearby, the remaining Axton could have sworn he had heard a deranged voice say. “Scotty, Beam me up!”

=====

Unknown Location

Boom slowly cracked one eye open. He had a terrible headache and he felt like had drunk a few gallons of fermented scag blood. He groaned before standing up.

“Damn! I almost wish the New-U station hadn’t respawned me!”

Instantly, he realized his mistake. If the New-U station had respawned him, why had he been asleep?

Nearby, he noticed a loudly snoring Nugget and Boom. he quickly roused them both.

As they woke up, he contemplated their current situation.

We’re stranded on an unknown planet, with no way to return to Pandora. There could be hostile aliens around every corner, deadly diseases trying to take control of our bodies, and powerful toxins entering our lungs at this very moment!

“Hey Boom! I see a building outside of this green garden-y place! You wanna go rob it?” Bewm pointed out, motioning to a large castle in the distance.

Despite Boom’s earlier worrying, he said, “Yup! Sounds good!”

“LET’S GO GET THAT BUCKET!” Nugget said. His speech was so inspiring, that all three bandits began to double time it towards the castle.