Chapters Why Humans should never be allowed in Equestria
“So what now, seems like anything could happen due to the unlikely event we actually have anyone read chapter 2” said James.
“Well I’ve always wanted to see Cloudsdale, but we will need a pegasus, or a balloon to fly us there” replied Scott.
“Well we could just ask that yellow pegasus over there to fly us?”
“Wait, yellow, FLUTTERSHY!” Scott screamed as he ran over to the beautiful pink maned mare.
“Bucking asshole!” Fluttershy was startled by her own yell, “Oh…I’m sorry, I’ll just be going”
“Wait, we need somebody to fly us to Cloudsdale before anyone finds out we killed Rarity” said James.
“You killed Rarity?” Fluttershy asked, “Thank Celestia you did, I don’t know why she is in our group, we all hated her”
“So will you fly us?”
“Oh, well I guess I could try, but wouldn’t you fall thro…” Fluttershy was cut off by James throwing Scott onto her back, then jumping in front of Scott.
“Lets go Fluttershy, away!” yelled James, smacking both of Fluttershy’s sides with his feet. Fluttershy turned her head at James with a bemused smile on her face, before beginning her slow flight to Cloudsdale.
Once Fluttershy touched down on Cloudsdale, James immediately jumped off her back, landing softly on the clouds.
“I guess they weren’t kidding when they named it Cloudsdale, how high up are we?” asked James.
“How…how are you even….walking on the clouds without falling through, your not a pegasus?” Asked Fluttershy.
“Have you ever once tested to see whether or not a Earth pony or Unicorn could even walk on Cloudsdale without magic?” replied James.
“Maybe we should of tested that out at some point or another”
“Hey Fluttershy, who’s these guys” said Rainbow Dash, having landed nearby.
“He’s Scott and he’s James” said Fluttershy.
“We’re gonna meet the entire mane six aren’t we James” said Scott.
“Except Twilight, she’s too hard to write” replied James.
“What do you mean, the mane six, how do you even know who we are?” said Fluttershy, who was clearly confused with the whole situation.
“Well you see Fluttershy, I am a fan of a show called My Little Pony, basically, it’s this entire universe in a children’s TV show.” Said Scott.
“I don’t approve of you watching a show I’m guessing is for little girls” said Fluttershy, “Especially since children’s TV shows tend to have lots of…eek, ass shots”
“I don’t mind” said Rainbow Dash, who was now staring at James, almost as if she was turned on by him, which is strange, because not only was he a different species, he wasn’t that attractive. She began rubbing her body up against James, making him more and more uncomfortable.
“You should go do other things, like talk to mares or get a job, like a regular teenage boy,” said Fluttershy judgementally, “Instead of watching a children’s TV designed for little girls” Scott could not take his favourite pony being against the brony fandom, and he began sobbing on the ground.
“Why Fluttershy why?” sobbed Scott.
“And stop talking to me!” screamed Fluttershy as she bucked Scott in the balls, causing him to fall off the edge of Cloudsdale.
“Rainbow Dash, you need to save him!” yelled James, who was now being pushed against a building by Rainbow Dash who was standing on her hind legs with her hoofs balancing her on James, attempting to kiss him. Rainbow Dash paused for a couple of seconds, before saying.
“Uh, all right I guess” she said enthusiastically as she pushed her self off James and dived off Cloudsdale, immediately doing a sonic rainboom and catching Scott with little effort, before doing another sonic rainboom upwards back onto Cloudsdale.
“Well I just got raped by a xenophile pony” James said one hour later, after leaving the building.
“And for the 5th time today, a pony kicked me in the balls” replied Scott.
“If your so depressed, have a smoke” said Spike, handing a cigarette.
“Spike, what are you doing here?” said Scott.
“Pissing off people who hate plot holes”
“Well I’m usually heavily against smoking, but I am just too confused by this entire universe, so sure” James said as he took the cigarette. “So what does this Cloudsdale use to make money?”
“They make rainbows”
“You can’t be serious”
“I can’t believe you were serious” said James, looking as a stream of liquid rainbow pored from a tube into a pool of rainbow. They had talked the owner into letting them take a tour of the rainbow factory in the centre of town.
“What did you do that for!” screamed Spike, “Don’t you know rainbows are highly explosive!” Spike started running franticly away from the rainbow factory as the embers of the smoke started catching alight.
The duo ran, reaching the edge of Cloudsdale when the factory exploded, causing a gigantic fireball to spew from the centre of Cloudsdale. Pieces of burning buildings and clouds flew from the floating town as the duo were launched by the explosion, sending them flying into the sky. James got to see the burning hell of Cloudsdale as it rained pieces of it around the countryside. The town had been moved across the lands as it fell apart until it was over ponyville. James could only watch in horror as it bombed the small town, leaving few standing houses.
"Well that went worse then expected" James said as he faded from consciousness.
(Congratulations, you have survived the first two chapters, too bad you are now insane, sorry about that. )
Why Humans should never be allowed in Equestria
(Before you read this chapter, this is by a huge long shot, the worst chapter of this fic, it was designed to get the characters to the next location and show Pinkie Pie. I had no idea how to do this well (was required for story to happen) and made this terrible chapter, please do not judge the quality of this fic on this chapter. )
At last, James began to wake up, he was sure it had been the end. He looked around the building he was in a small shack, and a certain pink pony was leaning over him.
“Who the hell are you, and how am I not dead” said James, he turned to see Scott already awake next to him.
“This is Pinkie Pie, and that should answer both your questions” said Scott.
“But how did she save us”
“It’s Pinkie Pie”
“But how did she even get to us before we hit the ground, she doesn’t have wings”
“Because, it’s Pinkie Pie”
“Well why are we hiding in this shack?”
“Turns out when a pony directly makes contact with liquid rainbow, it messes with their heads, they all are acting like zombies, and yes, they can spread through bites”
“So basically the author just started a “zombies in Equestria” fan fic, something he specifically said no one should ever do”
“Pretty much, that’s what people get for putting this fic in their favourites”
“So what do we do now”
“Pinkie Pie said she can get us out of here and to Manehatten if we get to sweet apple acres”
“Manehatten…is every single city in this universe a pun?”
“My name is Pinkie Pie” sung Pinkie as she slammed a US army helmet on her head, and opened a closet revealing giant mini-gun. “Hello!” she said as she chucked the duo each a AK-47. “And I am here to say, those have infinite ammo” she sung.
James turned his head to Scott who simply said “Its Pinkie pie” Pinkie Pie pulled out the mini-gun and grabbed a ammo belt.
“I’m gonna make you smile,” Pinkie kicked open the exit to the shack, “and I will brighten up your day-ay” Pinkie started firing into a huge crowd of ponies who started charging at the trio.
“Fuck, she thinks she is in a bloody musical” muttered James.
“It doesn’t matter now,” ponies began to appear from behind, and Scott and James turned to shoot them, although they were heavily out-numbered, “If you are sad or blue!” Pinkie finished off the large crowd and spun the mini-gun vertically to help Scott and James. Pinkie’s mini-gun quickly decimated them.
“’Cause cheering up my friends is just what Pinkie’s here to do!”
Twenty minutes later they had found their way to sweet apple acres, crossing through the destroyed Ponyville, which was covered in ash and puddles of liquid rainbow everywhere. Strangely, sweet apple acres seemed completely unaffected by the destruction of Cloudsdale. Big Mac and Applejack walked out from a nearby barn.
“Pinkie Pie, I’ve been a thinkin that you didn’t plan this through no how” Applejack said due to this authors inability to write a southern slang.
“So how are we going to get to Manehatten?” asked James.
“This ‘er Pinkie Pie is gonna get mah brother Big Mac to bend an apple tree down, and catapult you over Ponyville into Manehatten”
“If you said anyone but Pinkie Pie, I’d cut your head off, now bend that tree down already”
“Get me on the tree” yelled Scott.
“Nope” said Big Mac.
“Ain’t no time, I got an idea” said Applejack, before she bucked Scott in the face, launching him two metres in the air before Big Mac ran up and bucked Scott in the balls, launching him over Ponyville.
“Mac, I didn’t know you studied physics with Pinkie Pie”
“How do you suppose Pinkie Pie thought we could survive this!” yelled James as he flew through the air with Scott.
“I don’t even know how I’m going the same speed as you if I caught up, I should be way behind you!” yelled Scott.
“Because this plan was thought up by Pinkie Pie!”
“Oh right I almost forgot!”
“We have been in the air for hours now, how far is Manehatten!” yelled James, suddenly, a tall skyscraper loomed up ahead,
“We’re going to smash right into it!” screamed James.
“SPIDERPONY, SPIDERPONY, DOES WHATEVER A SPIDERPONY DOES!” sung a costumed pony, who was somehow creating and swinging from webs. He swung over and caught the duo.
“Don’t worry, your safe now, I’m spiderpony!” yelled Spiderpony. He swung them around and towards the windows of another side, using his shear body strength to smash through the glass of the window. Ponies inside leaped away screaming and one pony was crying, desperately mashing the ground floor button of an elevator, not realising the out of order sign on the front.
James and Scott, now loose of Spiderpony, brushed themselves off of glass, they were somehow completely unharmed. They looked down at Spiderpony, who had a giant piece of glass impaling him through the neck, he was still choking and coughing up blood.
“I should have listened to the movie kick-flank,” said Spiderpony “tell my wife’s sister I love her!” Spiderpony was dead, his blood pooling around him.
“He died a hero, saving our lives!” yelled Scott as he started crying over the corpse.
“I need to pee” said James, now holding his crotch.
And so Spiderpony reached his last resting place, covered in glass, blood and urine.
“Well that whole event was highly unlikely, at least the new OC died before the bronies got antsy” said James as they walked down the stairs.
“It says here that we are in the Celestia state building” said Scott, looking at a fire evaluation plan.
“Welcome to Manehatten”
(This readers, is what you get for asking for more than the originally intended three chapters )
Why Humans should never be allowed in Equestria
“I have a good feeling about this” said Scott, “As this adventure has progressed, I’ve bucked in the balls 1 less time per chapter, and this chapter is where is equals 0” Scott pushed open the exit to the Celestia State Building, only to encounter a hooded stallion, he wore a dark grey hoodie, had a yellow coat and his eyes and hair could not be seen. What could be scene however was the knife he was holding up at the duo, due to his species inherent shortness, he could only hold his arm up to Scott’s upper stomach area, but a knife to the stomach is still danagerous.
“Give me all your bits” Said the pony, his voice was quite deep and threatening.
“So you thought the two people in this entire fucking dimension who aren’t ponies would be the best target to attack, the also only two people who have guns holtered on their backs?” Said James, while intensely face palming to the point of hurting his forehead.
“You know, I don’t think I thought this one quite through” said the pony, his voice now less angry, the knife in his hoof lowering.
“Even more, how are you holding this thing, now that I think about it, how did Pinkie Pie operate a chaingun?”
“We appear to be still surround by the traces of Pinkie Pie” said Scott.
“Well I guess I will just leave” the pony turned around, seizing his opertunity, James quickly pulled the infinite ammo clip from the gun holstered in his back and threw it at the pony, hitting him in his back left legs back of knee. The pony suddenly bucked, hitting Scott in the stomach, then curled around on the ground, rubbing the hurt back leg.
“Oooooh, aaaaaah, ooooooh, aaa… you guys can go, I’m probably going to be a while…oooooh, aaaahhh” said the pony.
“Why did I throw the gun clip, instead of using the gun?” said James, “Wait where did the clip go” The clip had bounced, smashed through a window of the Celestia State Building, slid along the ground, knocked over a lamp, which caused the clip to slide to the middle of the room; the lamp knocked over a bookcase, which smashed an aquarium, causing a stupidly placed computer to get fried, causing it to explode, causing a nearby hanging light to smash and drop, landing on the clip, causing all “infinite” bullets to go off, and started rapidly smashing the inside of the building.
“HOLY FUCKING SHIT” screamed James as the building slowly started to be destroyed, several bullets destroyed the door the clip had slid under, exposing the mugger pony to be torn apart in a hail of gun fire. “That’s why I threw the clip, totally intended that to happen” said James flippantly.
“And I still get fucking bucked”
“But this time in the stomach” James said happily. The group walking away from the pony corpse, or what remained, as there was a seemingly never ending wall of bullets flying over it. The duo walked for what seemed like hours (mainly due to James’s incredible lack of fitness), before stopping at a certain establishment.
“Oh look, a “gentleman’s” club” said James, looking at what was clearly a strip club, “I have a hilarious idea”
“Where did we even get these clothes?” asked Scott, as the duo entered the club wearing suits and top hats, James also sporting a monocle.
“What are you talking about my dear friend, I think this was a marvellous idea and will be…err, quaint, yes I’m sure that makes sense old boy” Said James, speaking in a bad English Victorian accent.
“You just used your entire list of wealthy Victorian gentleman slang in that one sentence didn’t you” Said Scott with a bemused smile on his face.
“…I say boy you deserve a whipping, Well would you look at the derriere on that one, that’s all I had” said James as he pointed to a unicorn spinning on a strippers pole, she was blue with a white mane and light blue streak running down it.
“I am the great and sexy Trixie!” she bragged, “Watch as I turn you on with my feminine charms.
“Didn’t you use to be a travelling magician?” said Scott puzzlingly.
“Well this is what happens when people destroy your home, all of your possessions, your reputation and because of my career choice, my career as result” said Trixie, now shuffing her posterior in Scott’s face, causing his eyes to widen heavily, his top hat falling off the back of his head.
“All because I bucking bragged, which every magician does!” she was now getting louder, and angrier.
“Scott, I believe you may of just sparked a shitstorm, I’d get your face out of her ass and run like fucking hell!” yelled James as he quickly walked out of the establishment. Scott tried to leave, be Trixie used her magic to hold him in place, leaving him in terror as she turned around and stared angrily at him. Finally, after what seemed like minutes, she let him go, and he ran out as quickly as could before half the club was blown off by a magical explosion. A group of black coated ponies angry stared at Scott, and started getting out magnums and Uzis.
“GET IN GET IN GET IN!” Yelled James as in pulled up in front of Scott in a small car with back left door open, which Scott dived into.
“Where did you get this car, and where did you learn to drive” yelled Scott.
“A pony named Niko Bellic left it behind, and I learned from playing LA Noire”
“That seems highly illogical” they smashed into a street pole which flew over them, “I stand corrected” the pole smashed straight through the windscreen of one of 5 pursuing cars’ drivers, causing him to swerve into two other cars, they could only helpless watch as their cars tumbled off the road, the middle car laid upside down between the wrecks of the others, before exploding in a brilliant fireball, killing all 3 cars residents.
“Use your gun and shoot them off the road!” screamed James. The cars were close, a car was directly behind them, almost tailgating the car, while the other remaining car was within reaching distance of the cars left side, a blue pony pulled out a six-shooter and began to aim as he was torn apart by Scott’s gun, which proceeded to annihilate the enemy driver. His car lost some speed before it swerved straight into the duos car, which spun and flipped before resting upside down in the middle of an intersection.
James opened his eyes, he was lying on his stomach next to the biggest piece of the burning car, he had been flung out, and was now covered in cuts and bruises, he looked to his left where Scott lay unconscious, his vision blurry. The final pursuing car parked nearby, and a black pagasus wearing a black fedora was slowly walking towards James, a gun help in one hand, completely unnerved by the burning chunks of metal he was near.
“You were instrumental in the destruction of our main source of income, and for that, you die” he began to squeeze the trigger of the gun he now aimed at James, a shadow was looming over him. He looked up to see the remains of the Celestia State Building collapse on him.
You see, when the “infinite” clip of ammo finally stopped having its bullets set off, the structure of the building had been badly damaged, and by pure luck, the building was finally about to fall as James was about ready to literally bite the bullet.
“Like a boss”
(And so you reach the end of yet another insane chapter written by a terrible author)
Why Humans should never be allowed in Equestria
The trio touched down upon Canterlot, still wrapped up in conversation.
"How could you leave me and get lunch!" yelled James.
"It was subway." Scott replied.
"You got subway without me!" James was screaming at that point. "Wait, they have subway here?"
"Yep, in fact there’s one right there." Scott replied as he pointed at a subway restaurant. James quickly ran inside.
“Fuck, they don’t sell meatballs or bacon in Equestrian subways!” yelled James.
“You would eat an innocent pig?” said Rainbow Dash, her eyes filling with tears.
“Oh shit I forgot ponies were herbivores”
“Wait, you eat other animals as well?” her eyes were streaming with tears.
“Yes, let’s see, humans have eaten pig, cow, chicken, pigeon, fish, dog, horse...” said James.
“Hor…horse?” stuttered Rainbow Dash, who fainted shortly afterwards.
“Well let’s move her out of the walkway” James attempted to lift her up, “Holy Fucking hell ponies weigh a lot, I’m going to need help” Even with Scott helping, they couldn’t move her far before dropping her.
“You know what, I got a better idea” said Scott before kicking her in the stomach. Rainbow Dash woke in an instant, instinctively bucking Scott in the balls. “Bloody hell I thought we were over this!” said Scott as he collapsed to the ground.
“Ok, Twilight said we can stay at her place for a few days” said Rainbow Dash, “Also, Pinkie Pie has been getting ready to hold a party in case you came”
“Didn’t Fluttershy kill her?” said James.
“Nope”
“Well alright then”
“Twilight also said that in three days the princess wishes to see you”
“That isn’t going to go smoothly isn’t it?”
“Yeah, you’re pretty bucked”
“On the bright side, parties usually have alcohol!”
The next day...
“PINKIE WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY HOME!” screamed Twilight, as she had agreed to have the party had her place.
“I just decorated it for the party theme appropriately” said Pinkie Pie.
“What do you call inappropriately?”
“Hanging dildos on the walls!”
“I…I don’t even” said Twilight as she facehoofed.
James and Scott opened the door to enter, having heard the commotion. Scott immediately threw up upon the sight. The walls were covered in blood and guts of zombies, their blood slowly sliding down the walls, each making their own individual small pools on the tiles, and staining the carpet the duo walked on. Twilight stormed out of her house in rage, slamming the door behind her.
“Pinkie, you might have gone a little too far” said James.
“Really, I think this is my greatest idea so far!”
“What is the theme anyway…cupcakes?
“No zombies silly, although I do have cupcakes!”
“And I’m completely sure the two are completely unrelated” said Scott sarcastically. Rainbow Dash entered, suddenly getting a strange feeling of déjà vu.
“Please tell there is some alcohol” said Rainbow.
“Oh course silly, my punch always has alcohol” said Pinkie, while pointing two a blue drink in a punchbowl. Rainbow and James each took a large drink and went upstairs together. Scott walked over to the bowl and filled his glass, inspected it closely, before taken a sip.
“This tastes amazing Pinkie, what is it called”
“Zombie”
“Say what?!”
“It’s zombie blood mixed with blue food colouring and alcohol” said Pinkie while smiling manically. Scott dropped his glass, letting it smash on the ground.
“Why did you not tell us that we were drinking blood!” yelled Scott.
“Because, I thought it tasted fantastic!”
Later in the party, with James and Rainbow still upstairs, Scott tried asking Pinkie some questions.
“So Pinkie, when we last saw you, Fluttershy was trying to eat your face off, how did you escape”
“Oh I didn’t, she must of not liked how I smelt or something, and killed Applejack and infected Big Mac” someone about what she said deeply disturbed him, he remembered something he had seen long ago, from watching the show on his computer, trying to not let his parents see. From when Pinkie went to Cloudsdale…
“Wait a minute, you have been in contact with liquid rainbow, you drank some when you went to see Dashie at the young flyers competition” Pinkie’s face started becoming more and more animal like, but Scott didn’t notice, as he was looking the wrong direction.
“But not enough to instantly turn, enough that…” Scott slowly started turning towards Pinkie, “enough that you would very slowly become infected” Pinkie Pie leaped at Scott, who managed to duck underneath her at the last moment. He quickly pulled his gun out and started shooting Pinkie Pie, putting forty bullets straight through her chest.
She collapsed limply in the corner, and Scott slowly walked over to her, putting his hand up to her neck slowly to check her pulse. Just before he reached her neck however, her eyes opened and she punched Scott in the stomach, sending him across the room and making him drop his gun. His gun was several metres out of reach, Scott landed with his back against the front door.
Pinkie Pie dived at Scott, who managed to roll to the side as she smashed into the front door, turning it into splinters. Scott tried to grab his gun, but Pinkie grabbed his leg as he started running, as he fell, his hand caught the handle, and he turned around as started firing full auto into her face.
“MY NAME IS PINKAMENA DIANE PIE!” screamed Pinkie, in a “taken” voice that would of caused Alan Wake to soil himself and she grabbed his gun barrel with her hoof, all the while being constantly shot in the face.
“Why won’t you die!” Screamed Scott as Pinkie bent the front of the gun sideways, then pulled the useless gun away and chucked it across the room.
“TIME FOR US TO PARTY!” screamed Pinkie Pie, now completely on top of Scott, he was trapped. Behind Pinkie, the front door swung open and there stood Twilight, who aimed her horn and fired a bolt of light into Pinkie, causing her entire body to turn into an explosion of flesh and blood.
“What the hell happened down here?” asked James, having finally come down with Rainbow Dash, staring at the blood soaked Scott who lay on the ground shaking, his once black suit he had been wearing since Manehatten was now completely red.
“Scott is covered in Pinkie Pie, I cast a combat spell on her” said Twilight, since the years after returning to Canterlot, her studies in Ponyville complete, she had learned master level combat magic, and what she did was probably nothing for her kind of power.
“Well I guess we should clean this up”
The next day, with the house and Scott clean, the duo decided to go meet Celestia early. The castle was tall and forbidding. Something was wrong, James sensed that he needed to keep away from this building, get as far as possible then keep on running. But he quelled those thoughts, walking inside. Scott was far less nervous, he seemed quite happy about this meeting, almost eager.
Guards came to meet the group, they pushed them forwards, they were heavily armed with swords and crossbows filled with the magic of the best unicorns. They had no emotion on their faces, although when James snapped his head around, he swear he saw one of them smiling deviously. They aren’t here to hurt me, thought James, they would not have let him come at any point during the three days if they were going to capture him. They arrived in the throne room, where the princess sat; Scott noticed that her usually peaceful smile was replaced by a look of unease.
“So you are the two humans who entered Equestria only a few days ago, and part of the few survivors of the destruction of Cloudsdale” she betrayed no emotion in her voice.
“Yes, I am Scott and this is James, we are from Earth, in a country we call Australia” said Scott.
“I see, why is it however that only shortly after you arrived much of my country was destroyed by a virus?”
“I’m sure it was just” James pausing to look up from the ground revealing the smirk on is face, “an unfortunate coincidence” James knew they were done for, no point in going out as a bumbling idiot.
“Really, then why is it I have multiple survivors of Cloudsdale claiming you blew up the liquid rainbow,” said Celestia, her voice now loudening, a scream was heard in the distance, “I knew you two did it, I just hoped you would be honourable enough to tell the truth about it, how dare you lie to me, when I have enough power to crush you like a bug!”
“Well obviously your powerful, you commanding the guards around me, but when was the last time you ever actually did anything, from what Scott tells me, your country has been at the brink of apocalypse multiple times in the past few years and you did your part In the form of not bothering to leave your dam castle!” yelled James.
“How dare you insu…”
“And furthermore, the one time you did bother to help, which I would like to mention was because the enemy was a metre away, you got utterly annihilated by the person!” James was screaming at this point, “You’re probably less of a threat then Fluttershy was, although she did put up a dam goo…”
“SILENCE, YOU DENY MY POWER !” screamed Celestia, the windows around her shattered into a million pieces, “THEN I WILL SHOW YOU IT !” Celestia fired a white beam from her horn directly at James’s chest. James watched in horror as it flew towards him. It hit him directly, causing him to jolt backwards.
The beam continued to hit him in the chest, but James, now having flinched, just stood still as it hit him.
“Well that was an anti-climax” said James calmly.
“Wait what?” said Celestia, now completely confused, she facehoofed. “Buck it, just shoot him off my view with your crossbows”
The guards marched the duo over to a view of Equestria, aiming their crossbows at the duos spines. The view looked like the pantheon, with pillars coming down, except where on the pantheon there would be the ground, was a very long drop off Canterlot. As the guards readied their crossbows to fire, the doors to the throne room were suddenly violently thrown open, showing a scared Twilight Sparkle, and several hundred zombie ponies. Twilight slammed the doors with her magic, and attempted to hold the doors closed.
“Princess, we are surrounded!” yelled Twilight. Holding the door closed with her magic. The beating on it quickly overwhelmed her and smashed open, hitting her and launching her sliding across the rooms floor, until she fell straight over the edge of the throne room view, barely grabbing the edge with her hoof. Celestia ran over to her to help her up, but the zombies were quickly filling the room and as she began to lift her up with telekinesis, the zombies jumped on her back, causing her to cry out in pain and drop Twilight off the edge and off of Canterlot.
The guards aiming at James and Scott were at opposite ends of the spectrum, one quickly ran and left Scott to run, the other continuous to aim at James.
“This is for my girlfriend!” he screamed, firing at James.
Time seemed to slow down as James turned at his scream, turning his shoulder to his right, causing the bolt to skim right over him. If you looked really closely, you could see as it took one string of fabric off his shirt before flying into the abyss. Turning like this however, caused James to lose his balance, causing him to fall over the edge. Scott dived at James’s hand but slide off the edge himself.
The duo fell down towards the ground, now at free fall, watching as Canterlot got smaller and smaller. James looked into the distance, seeing a large dark blue pony flying off in the distance.
“I guess it being a large pony just makes it a horse then when you think about it” said James, not having fully processed it was his end, his mind trying to distract him off his imminent death.
A loud bang was heard, as a large rainbow coloured circle as a rainbow coloured beam shot towards the deal, catching them centimetres from the ground.
“Fucking hell Rainbow Dash, could have been a bit sooner!” yelled Scott.
“Rainbow, its moments like this that make me love you!” said James as they were whisked away.
(And so I ran out of cities )
Why Humans should never be allowed in Equestria
The duo sped away on Rainbow Dash as the city fell to the zombie horde, the guards were clearly outnumbered by the zombies, and quickly fell. James had been lucky when they did, with them ready to impale him on crossbow bolts and all. The trio didn’t have anywhere left to run, everywhere had been taken, except Manehatten, but they had already been attacked by the mob there, and returning probably wouldn’t be the brightest of ideas.
“I think we have only one place left to go, I guess this is the end of our adventure in Equestria” said James. Unseen by James, Rainbow Dash was biting her lip, unclear on what do.
The trio landed in the forest, the portal that had taken them to Equestria, and started everything that happened, shone faintly of a purple glow. It was far fainter then when they came originally however, it must be weakening, and it looked like it was going to disappear at any moment.
“It’s time for us to go Rainbow Dash” said James.
“Maybe I don’t want you to go, maybe I had the time of my life the past few days” Replied Rainbow Dash.
“Wait wha…” said James as Rainbow Dash kissed him on the lips, standing on her hind legs. Rainbow Dash was expecting resistance, but was shocked to see him kiss back.
“Wait what, since when does he have enough charisma to turn this into a generic HiE story!?” yelled Scott. Rainbow Dash fell onto her back with James now on top of her, still kissing her.
“I stand corrected, a generic clop fic HiE story?” said Scott, facepalming. James stoped kissing Rainbow and stood up.
“Good, we were already pushing the boundaries on being forced to put the romance tag up, and then this fic would NEVER get another viewer”
“Rainbow Dash, I don’t want to leave you, but I have to go home” said James.
“She raped you like one week ago!” yelled Scott.
“Then James, why don’t you stay?” said Rainbow Dash.
“Because, even if I want to, there is no place left for us here” said James. “If I stay here, the zombies will eventually get us, and if I go to Manehatten, the mob there will get us”
“Why is nobody listening to me?!” yelled Scott.
“Maybe I could come with you?” said Rainbow Dash, now crying.
“The portal doesn’t work on ponies” said James. “Only humanoids, we were originally going to be an epic duo with our trusty dog, solving mysteries between universes, instead, Toby exploded”
James took one step towards the portal.
(Sorry about the short chapter, but now you can choose what happens next, Chapter 8 is the alternate ending, it is the original ending and has many jokes in rapid fire, and ends completely different to the other ending, which will cross chapter 9-10, no intended, and is the ending I wanted, however I am making the original ending as some people would rather have the comedy this story is made of rather than the action based and emotional ending )
Why Humans should never be allowed in Equestria
The End of Friendship (Alternate Ending)
(This chapter is not the actual ending, and is instead the ending I originally intended, with added references to previous chapters. I am releasing it as the actual ending might annoy people who enjoyed previous chapters, as the actual ending is not even comedy)
James turned from the portal to look at the mare he loved, Rainbow Dash smiled and started walking over to hug him. She felt the warmth of James leave her as he pushed away from her body.
“What?” asked Rainbow.
“Yeah, I’m going to go home” said James casually.
“But…but what about us, what about Equestria” stuttered Rainbow Dash.
“So your thinking I would choose to probably to fuck a small blue horse, again, or the chance of fucking a hot human female in the hopeful future”
“Yeah because that would so happen” said Scott sarcastically.
“Anyway” started James, “I also have to help stop an army of zombies who seem to get progressively stronger unless they were a background character before they were zombified”
“But I thought you loved me” cried Rainbow Dash, tears welling up in her eyes.
“Wow for a complete asshole, I am really good at acting” said James, walking up to Rainbow and kicking her in the wing, causing her to tumble onto her side as James burst out laughing.
“err James, that was a little cruel” said Scott, who was now concerned.
“Fuck off Scott, you’re not even the protagonist of this story!” yelled James. Rainbow Dash slowly got up off the ground, and limped away with her now broken wing, completely unable to fly. She disappeared into the nearby forests. Soon afterwards, the duo heard her cry out in pain followed by the growls of a large amount of zombies.
“We may want to leave” said James as they walked up the steep hill, which the portal sat upon. As the duo reached the top, the zombies had swarmed around the hill, like a boat surrounded by a sea of death.
“You know what James, fuck you!” yelled Scott has he stood in front of the portal. He turned to James, who stopped in front of him, and swiftly kicked James in the balls.
“FUCK, what was that for!” yelled James, now crouched on the ground cradling his balls.
“That’s for letting me get bucked in the balls so many times!” Scott kicked James again in the balls, “That was for pushing me out of the car!” James collapsed as he was kicked in the balls again, “That was for almost turning this into a romance/clop fic, and this…” Scott stuck his foot under James’s side, pushing him down the hill, “is for taking me here and starting a fucking zombie apocalypse causing the death of all the ponies I held dear to me back home!”
James rolled down the hill into the advancing sea of zombies, managing to land on his feet and push a few zombies away, expertly fending them off. James was suddenly crashed tackled by a familiar blue pegasus.
“You are not AWESOME enough to live! ” screamed Rainbow Dash as she and James disappeared under the horde of zombies, the screams of James echoing throughout the forest as Scott watched his friend for the last time.
James was dead, not to even come back as a zombie, as humans were immune to the virus. Scott finally realised:
It was over.
“I’ll see you in hell James,” he said as he fell backwards through the portal, “It was worth it!” yelled Scott, his voice disappeared through the portal as he was sucked through the purple light. The portal to Equestria closed in front of him, the once colourful land, now a land of death and hardship, faded out.
Minutes later, Scott was launched out of the portal. Landing in a field of grass, he looked around. This was not his home.
“Wait, if the portal doesn’t just go between Earth and Equestria, where am I?” asked Scott. He saw the dark shadow of a cubic man walking from a small cubic house.
“Remember ME!” yelled Steve, walking closer, the sunshine now showing his blue shirt in full colour. His shirt had large stains of blood on it, his bloody blue sword glistening in the sunlight as he walked over to Scott, with a furious expression on his face.
The sun was quickly setting in the distance, and Steve looked around fearfully as five skeletons impaled him in the back with arrows, leaving him bleeding to death on the grass, his blood pooling on the ground. Scott picked up the sword as a horde of hundreds of zombies, skeletons and what appeared to be giant walking green penises approached from behind the small house. Scott readied his sword.
“Let’s do this! ” he said as he charged towards the monsters.
THE END
(Fan fic and comedy ending inspired by the amount of obvious plot holes and little stupid parts of My Little Pony. Was inspired (and makes a good credits song for this ending) to make a comedy fan fic with this ending by the greatest song of all time “Dont Stop Me Now” by Queen )
Why Humans should never be allowed in Equestria
(Before you guys ask, when I say football, I don't mean soccer ball )
James looked at Rainbow Dash.
“I never thought I’d say this, but ok Rainbow, I’ll stay” he said.
“Are you sure you want to lea…” started Scott “Wait you want to stay!”
“I don’t want to leave her and before you ask, we will need your help”
“So what’s the plan?”
The trio stood outside Pinkie Pies shed, now surrounded by rotting corpses. On the flight over, the trio saw that Ponyville and its surrounding countryside were completely void of zombies. They had all come together in a coordinated mass to attack Canterlot, perhaps they had more intelligence left then the group had realised, but it did not matter, they needed to die one way or the other. The zombies were now spread out around the nearby countryside of Canterlot. The trio entered the shed. The inside was as they remembered it, full of guns and weapons, enough to create a small army.
“Well what do we have here” said Rainbow Dash, walking over to what appeared to be a metal football shaped container with the ends opaque. They were about 30 centimetres long from end to end. James bent down and easily picked the ball easily, despite his usual weakness and the balls appeared weight. James noticed it had a faint dark purple glow emitting from it.
“So what is it?”
“It’s a pegasus bomb, they were last used one thousand years ago during the war against Nightmare Moon, they are activated by flipping a small switch on the side, once activated, pegasi would drop them out of the sky, after ten seconds, they explode and destroy anyone unlucky enough to be nearby” said Rainbow.
“Two questions, how do you know so much about it and why is it emitting a purple glow?” asked James.
“All ponies are taught about them in early high school. The bombs are infused with raw magic, to make the explosives far more powerful and to stop the bomb from breaking even after a millennia, this bomb is special as it appears to be infused with the magic of Nightmare Moon itself, the power in this bomb could blow up half a mountain”
“Really, then I think I have a plan” said James.
“What” said the others at the same time, James turned towards a shelf of flare guns and flare gun ammo. James holstered two Uzis in side holsters he now wore and chucked Scott a desert eagle, a flare gun and a backpack full of flare gun ammo. James had the Pegasus bomb in his own backpack. The trio left the building as James clipped on three grenades to a grenade belt. The duo jumped on top of Rainbow Dash and flew towards Canterlot.
“Wait, so what is the plan?” asked Scott.
“We land In through Celestia’s balcony thing they pushed us off, we kill all zombies inside the castle, we then barricade the castle and start firing flares off the balcony to lure all the stray zombies towards the castle, by the time they break through the barricades, the zombies will have become a tidal wave as the doors fall, when they reach us, we chuck the pegasus bomb into the crowd and fly off with Rainbow Dash”
“That’s actually a good idea” said Scott, “Well I guess we all have our firsts”
“Who are you guys?” asked the leader of the suited ponies. Next to him stood two identically suited stallions, but they both wore fedoras unlike the leader whose brown mane could be easily seen.
“We are survivors of the guards from Canterlot” this was plainly obvious, they were white coated Earth ponies wearing the golden armour of Celestia. “We have come here as we know the humans who started all this are inside, as far as we know, this is the only way they can possibly get out, we have come to cut them off in revenge”
“Now normally, I would kill all three of you, I don’t like royal guards for multiple reasons, but that guy bucked up our base of operations and main source of income!”
“Then it appears my good sir, we have a common enemy” said the guard leader as they took positions around the entrance to Canterlot. “But what if they have a pegasus with them?” “What pony would help humans who have put Equestria at the brink of ruin?”
“Rainbow Dash!” yelled James, looking over the a figure in the corner of the room which was slowly getting up, “Maybe we shouldn’t of landed here” said James, his voice shaking.
“Dear Twilight Sparkle, I want you to watch from your grave as I DEVOUR two humans and your one of your best friends!” yelled Princess Celestia as she extended her wings and flew towards the trio, sending Rainbow Dash flying backwards and James and Scott apart from each other. The two humans quickly rose to their feet and starting shooting Celestia, but the bullets bounced off her coat harmlessly.
“This is completely fucking useless!” yelled James as he rolled out of the way of Celestia charging him, reloading his two Uzis.
“We need something that can piece her skin!” screamed Scott. James had an idea, the “infinite” ammo clip that had been discarded along with the broken AK-47 now sat inside his right pocket. Celestia was hovering just off the balcony, preparing another charge, when James leaped off the balcony.
James didn’t make it onto Celestia’s back as she flew upwards to avoid him, James reached upwards and grabbed the end of her tail and held on for dear life. James was flicked violently around Celestia as she tried to throw him off. James was flung over Celestia as he finally lost his grip and for a moment he though this plan was his final misjudgement. Shortly afterwards however, he managed to land on Celestia’s back, much to her surprise. Quickly fumbling around his pockets, James picked up the “infinite” ammo clip and shoved it down Celestia’s throat as she attempted to bite James, James then pulled out a grenade pin and chucked it down her throat as well as she held her mouth open choking from the clip.
The reaction was instantaneous, Celestia started roaring into the sky and flew uncontrollably towards the balcony. James
“Is what we are going to do justified, I mean I know they have done these things, but how do we know it wasn’t an accident or something?” asked one of the lower ranked guards to the guard leader.
“It does not matter, we have all suffered too greatly for them not to die, to think that with all the suffering they have brought, they are the ones least affected by all of this, having not suffered at all”
James opened his eyes slowly as the doors to the room were launched off of their hinges and sent flying inwards. Big Macintosh, covered in blood stood in between where they once stood.
“EEYEP!” yelled Mac as he charged at James who could not move, his body not fully having woken up yet, his Uzis out of reach. Just as he was about to smash into James, Rainbow tackled him out of nowhere, knocking him off his charge and sending them both sliding along the floor. Big Macintosh quickly shook Rainbow off and bucked her in the stomach twenty metres onto the other side of the room. Slowly getting up, she ran and tried to hit him with her hoof only for him to instantly appear to her side and buck her over the edge of the balcony.
She managed to steady herself in mid-air and used a sonic rainboom to send herself flying towards Big Mac, her front hoof ready to finish him in one shot. Just before the punch connected with Big Macs face, he lifted his front right leg up and used his hoof to slam her into a nearby pillar, completely redirecting her rainboom and sending her flying through three pillars, she landed limply next to a fourth pillar.
Big Macintosh turned his head as James fired his dual Uzis into his side, covering it in bullet holes. This only enraged Big Mac as he dived at James, who just managed to dodge out of the way, but lost his balance and dropped his guns. Big Mac span around and bucked him in the side sending him sliding off the edge of the balcony which he just managed to get a grip on the ledge. Instantly after kicking James he jumped at Scott who held his desert eagle up to shoot only to be hit sideways by Big Macs hoof, sending Scott flying and his gun sliding along the ground, falling off the edge and into James’s hanging hand. Big Mac ran up to James to push him down, as he looked over the edge he suddenly found a gun pressed up to his throat.
“NOPE!” blood flew from the top of his head as James fired into him, causing him to go limp and fall over and behind James, down into the abyss below. Scott walked over and helped James back onto the castle, where he immediately ran over to the still limp Rainbow Dash.
“James, I love you” choked Rainbow Dash as James knelt over her. James saw that her coat was matted with her blood, her wings bent in awkward angles. She went completely limp underneath James. He pressed his forehead against her side.
“She’s dead”
Why Humans should never be allowed in Equestria
(When reading, make sure you have time to read this chapter and the epilogue In one go, they really are designed to be read like that. )
The air stood still for a moment as James sat on his knees over Rainbow Dash, her body sprayed limply over his lap. After a few moments, Scott slowly walked up behind James.
“What do we do now” said Scott, James didn’t respond for a moment, before he snapped to focus.
“I don’t know” said James without turning around.
“With Rainbow dead we won’t be able to escape if we activate the bomb” spoke Scott, speaking as fast as he could, franticly pacing around the room.
“I know”
“And now the portal is closed and we can’t go home and WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!”
“I don’t know” James voice remained level, his eyes never leaving Rainbow Dash’s corpse.
“I…I…I just need a moment to think of something” said Scott, finally calming down, walking away to sit in a corner.
“I can’t leave her here Scott”
“What?” asked Scott, looking up.
“I can’t leave her here”
“What do you mean you can’t leave her here, you were fine with everyone else being killed, hell, I haven’t seen you show any regret throughout this entire dam apocalypse you started!” yelled Scott, his voice becoming louder and louder.
“I just can’t leave her here” James’s voice finally gave way to his sadness, but not one tear fell. James could try and keep his sadness bottled up throughout his life, masking his emotions underneath an asshole persona. But when James finally had his emotions break through, he didn’t become a crying mess of tears and my little Dashie fans. He just… he just didn’t feel like talking anymore.
Scott looked at his broken friend, standing still over the limp mare. He was just staring at the corpse, wishing she would suddenly spring to her hooves and scream how she was just screwing with James and was a really good actor. But that only happens in bad Disney movies.
“We need to get out of here” said Scott.
“What is the point?” said James, turning his head slowly to Scott.
“What do you mean?”
“These lands are dead thanks to us, there is nothing left for anypony or…” James’s head turning back to Rainbow Dash,
“Anyone” Scott knew he was right, there was nothing left to do, the world was going to be destroyed by the zombie apocalypse. Few would survive and even then, what is the point of living a life of hardship and terror. They had had a chance to save Equestria and now it was over, their escape plan dead.
“Get out of here” said Scott quickly, James spined his head around to face Scott. “I’ll activate the bomb, you just go” James opened his mouth to say something, but realised that Scott had made his decision, and there was nothing left to say. Except…
“I won’t leave her”
“Then don’t” replied Scott quickly. James understood immediately. He walked over to Rainbow Dash, and sliding his arms underneath her, lifted her length ways in front of him with both arms. To anyone watching, it would have appeared like James no longer felt her weight as he did last time he tried lifting her. But they would be wrong, as he felt all of her weight upon him, he felt the entire weight of the universe crashing down upon him, but he no longer cared.
“I just keep wondering, what will be the look on his face when he sees us with guns and crossbows pointed at his face as he leaves those doors, what will be the last look on his face before we kill him”
James slowly walked out of the room, slowly left the castle which this entire adventure had led up to, slowly left the place where the very reason he had stayed in this world had died. When he reached the door, he turned back towards his friend who he would never see again, and uttered one last word.
“Goodbye”
Scott had watched his friend leave him, the last person he would ever know leave him. He wondered if there really was a heaven, and if there was, did this universe have one. He wished he had asked Celestia that before she died, he wondered if this would have comforted him, made the decision he made easier, maybe the belief that he would go somewhere after this would have removed that sense of darkness inside of him. But the duo had never much cared for religion. Scott wondered if James would have done the same as him, if the circumstances had been reversed.
James turned his head forward and walked his slow march away from his friend, his only friend, as he walked through the corridors of Canterlot castle. He wondered about what he would do when he left the Castle, what he would do. He wondered if there was anything left for him, whether his life would be worth living afterwards. He wondered if it would be better to just end it all, finally be released of the pain and guilt he was feeling as his footsteps echoed the hallways. He wondered if the circumstances had been reversed, would he have done the same as Scott. He wondered many things as he walked down the Canterlot Castle, but he never considered leaving Rainbow Dash behind, and continued to walk through the hallways with her in his arms.
Scott’s only friend was gone, along with Scott’s doubts, he had nothing left to lose, and to bail out would be to live a life not worth living. He turned towards the pile of flare guns he had behind him. He started picking them up and firing them off the balcony every minute or so, illuminating the night sky, causing a roar of the zombies below to start, and get louder and louder by the minute.
The light of day that streamed through the windows as faded as clouds began to cover the sun. James walked down the corridors, he was nearing the entrance to the Canterlot Castle. The building was designed to look impressive and keep people inside feeling safe and secure. All it made James feel was the feeling of bad memories that surrounded him and threatened to crush him under their weight. He wanted nothing but to leave this place.
The roar of the zombies had grown loud, just as the plan had predicted. The zombies beating on the castle doors, struggling to get their way through the barricades Scott had made. The wood splitting as it forced the tidal wave of undead from entering the castle. Scott could only wait for the horde to stream in through the corridors and consume him, tearing him apart. He picked up the magnum James had abandoned on the floor, and prepared to face the horde.
The group stood on either side of the drawbridge to the Canterlot Castle, aiming their guns and crossbows forward towards the open gate of the Castle. The mobsters on the right facing the castle, the guards on the left, with the mob leader standing in the middle with his revolver, twitching from excitement as he would finally get revenge on the asshole who had ruined him. His happiness could not be described as the figure of James holding Rainbow emerged from the shadows of the Castle.
James walked onto the drawbridge, the weapons following him as he got closer, his head slightly down as he slowly walked towards the men. He did notice them, he just didn’t care anymore. The ponies on the sides started to get confused expressions on their faces until they saw Rainbow Dash’s dried blood caked mane. As James started to walk in between the two factions, the mob leader suddenly got on his hind legs and pressed his revolver against James’s forehead, causing him to raise his head directly into the mob leaders. James saw an unrelenting fury in the pony’s eyes. The pony saw James’s blank expression, bags having formed under James’s eyes.
“Goodbye” said the pony. The shot rang out throughout Canterlot, birds fluttering away in fright as the gun was fired.
The doors were sent flying off their hinges as the zombie horde poured in to the Castle, Scott started running and firing behind himself as they chased him. They were faster, but he had been a fair distance down the corridor when they had broken through, and stood no chance of catching him. When he reached Celestia’s balcony, he activated the bomb, and threw it into the crowd as it raced up to him. He desperately fended the horde off with his gun, and just as they began to overwhelm him, the bomb exploded, sending a gigantic fireball towards Scott.
James had walked for hours before he finally stopped, dropping to his knees and placing Rainbow Dash in front of him. In the distance he heard the explosion, a faint clap in the distance. Rainbow Dash hadn’t been kidding about the bombs power when it was infused with Nightmare Moons magic. The fireball consumed half the mountain, but James didn’t see it, he just kept on staring at Rainbow Dash. The zombies were dead, the few that survived would be later killed without the chance to harm by the surviving guards. James wished he could feel relief, but all he felt was dread. His first and last friend was dead, having sacrificed himself for Equestria. A single tear landed on Rainbow Dash, as James slowly said a few words to her.
“It’s over Rainbow, its over”
Why Humans should never be allowed in Equestria
Just One Last Thing to do (Epilogue)
The world was quiet, save for the trotting of the ponies pulling the carriage, James could not believe he had managed to walk on that fateful day three months ago, when he had lost everything. He had been staying with spike since then, nothing much changing, but Luna, now the ruler of Equestria, had been busy, mostly rebuilding things, ordering the clean-up of Ponyville, getting rid of the liquid rainbow. Canterlot had not been rebuilt however, thanks to Scott’s sacrifice, there had not been much left afterwards. This was painfully obvious as Spike and James’s carriage was pulled up the hill, showing where the entrance to Canterlot once stood.
“Why bother bringing me here, you already know what happened” said James.
“I may know what happened, but not from your point of view” replied Luna.
“Well if I am going to tell you a story, I’ll make myself more comfortable” the guard pressing the crossbow against James’s back was knocked down as James spined around and grabbed the crossbow out of the guards hoofs, before pulling the crossbow back down against the guards temple, knocking him out instantly. Luna gave a gasp of surprise and prepared to cast a combat spell when she found the crossbow pointed at her face at point blank range.
“I came here in peace, but do NOT fuck with me with things like that” said James angrily, lowering the crossbow, “Now if everything is alright, let me tell you a story…”
The human and the dragon left the carriage, and looked towards the graveyard. In memory of the event, Luna had built a special graveyard, in honour of the heroes of Equestria, it was currently quite empty, and only seven gravestones were actually present. Each one had a detailed stone sculpture of the dead hero, each one holding an empty coffin deep below the ground, except for Rainbow Dash’s grave, the only of the Mane six that had been recovered.
“That…was quite a story”
“It is all true, that is how it happened”
“It fits into what I know, and the information it introduced…I can’t help but believe”
“What information is this?”
“Well this is the first I have heard that blowing up Cloudsdale and starting everything was an accident, no one had made it out of the factory you see, except Spike, but he was too traumatized to speak to”
“Well if it’s all good, then I guess I will be going”
“Wait, before you go, I wanted to tell you something”
“What”
“You are pardoned for your crimes, usually if someone has done something horrible by accident, I would still punish them, but with a lesser sentence. But you not only started this by accident, you sacrificed your entire life, as did your friend a little more literally, to save us, and for that, we must thank you”
James turned from the door as he was about to leave, showing the sadness on his face, “Ok”
James walked along the graveyard, looking at all the stones and sculptures. When he reached Rainbow Dash’s grave, he turned his head away, he couldn’t bear to see her again. He had not gone to the funeral for everyone here, he couldn’t bear to look on past memories again so soon, and he felt that he would remember them in his own way.
He walked over the Scott’s grave, the only one that had not gotten a sculpture, this wasn’t because he was less cared about, the entire of Equestria had him to thank for their lives, it was because no one knew him, there was no reference material either to sculpt off. A short inscription had been written on his gravestone.
We did not know him.
We will never know him.
But he still saved us.
And for that, we shall remember him.
Spike walked up behind James, having spent enough time at Twilights grave.
“We should go” said Spike, putting his hand to James’s shoulder. James remained on his knees.
“Just one more moment Spike” James looked up as light started to pierce the overcast sky above him.
“Just one more moment”
(I was inspired to write this version by the end song to bastion, click here to listen to it, it makes a great ending song. Here is the URL if the link fucks up again: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rm6yfyPI9cg )
Why Humans should never be allowed in Equestria
(This is obviously not part of the story, it is my reflections of my experience writing it, and if you’re going to talk about spoilers, make sure you put them all in this chapter’s comments, you have been warned )
For a first attempt at writing, well anything, I am happy about how this turned out. Maybe it’s because I didn’t do a generic HiE like half of this website’s first time writers. Maybe it’s because I put some work into it to make it a little better written then if I hadn't. All I know is I believe the last chapter and epilogue are far better than previous chapters. Since you can see from the release dates how I have slowly gotten better at writing, with the exception of the terrible third chapter, Wasteland, and the alternate ending I made for people who didn’t want the sad ending.
Perhaps this story isn’t the most well written, but for a first time effort ever, I think I did pretty good, I didn’t expect Short Skirts & Explosions level praise, although if he had commented I probably would have broken my computer screen in the resulting excitement. I also know that just because a story is unknown, didn’t get many views is simply wasn’t well known, doesn’t mean it’s terrible. I learned that from the absolutely INCREDIBLE fan fic The End of Ponies , which has recently had a side fic named Red Wings that even with a blog post that can only be described as “Swagadelic” by SS&E himself, only had about 350 views last time I checked (few days after release).
What can I say about writing? I’m a new writer, I can’t exactly make an English lesson on how to make a good story, but I can give you one good and slightly obvious tip: Imagine the entire scene In your head before you write, then try to write, I don’t mean figure out what will happen, that’s something you should always be doing, I mean fully imagine it in all its beauty and colour. (or in cupcakes case all its horror and fear)
When you want to try and make a character emotional, try and imagine yourself in the same situation, removing all bullshit about how you wouldn’t be affected and would keep on rolling. The idea that James (yes, obvious self-insert) becomes less talkative and general distant when sad is based off what I do when something saddens me. The only time I ever have burst out in tears from something was chapter 7 of Background Pony .
On the topic of self inserts, I believe there is nothing wrong with them if you aren’t using it to create “OH I MEET FAVOURITE PONY AND WE LOVE EACH OTHER AND FUCK A LOT LOLOLOLOL” bullshit. No one wants to read that. I put me and my friend Scott into this story because I find creating characters hard, of course with Scott, I didn’t base anything off him really aside from the name, since naming people is HARD.
Oh and before I end these notes, I was completely bullshiting about me hiding sadness under an asshole exterior, I’m really an asshole because it’s really fun.
Why Humans should never be allowed in Equestria
Why Humans should never be allowed in Equestria A story of batshit lunacy
What had I done, thoughts flowed through James has he was propelled through the magic tunnel, its purple light blinding him at random intervals. He did not know how his friend Scott was coping with the light. The two teenagers helplessly were sucked down the portal.
“I told you we should of hitched a ride with that guy with that thing, what’s it called, retardis?” said Scott.
“Sorry” replied James, “I didn’t think trusting a guy in a tweed shirt saying his blue telephone box could help us travel the universe would be smarter than jumping into a magical glowing purple wall!” The duo finally reached a destination, and were flung from yet another rectangular portal, and landed safely on their backs on soft green grass. As they started getting up, a dark figure emerged from the portal behind them. James immediately rose to his feet, yelled “wrong dimension Steve!” and round house kicked the figure straight back into the portal.
“I was told there would be glowstoooooone” cried Steve as his voice faded into the distance.
As the duo looked around, they saw a bright and happy landscape, but aside from the odd woodland creature, no one was in sight. As they were both pigs when it came to food, the duo decided to try and find a civilised species so that they wouldn’t get mildly hungry, and they began jogging slowly in one direction, however, after 5 minutes, James was almost coughing up blood.
“Ok are you serious, your already that tired, you spend your time playing Skyrim constantly, you eat bloody tons of food and never exercise, how are you not fat!” Scott said.
“Scott, I seriously doubt readers care about my scientifically impossible ability to not lose weight, why are you trying to make everything long, we have already gone more than 300 words without a single character that isn’t OC, we already lost 3000 readers!”
“Shut up with the fourth wall breaking, the readers are getting suspicious!”
“Right, right, oh when will we find food, I’m so hungry”
“Ok then, well I see a conveniently placed town full of colour over there, let’s go over there” Scott dragged James along to the town, where a mint coloured pony with a light blue mane was leaving her house, the white streak inside looking beautiful in the light from the sun.
“Oh fuck me” said James, “It had to be…”
“Oh my god James we’re in Equestria, we’re in Equestria!” yelled Scott like a winey 6 year old. “And now that I think about it, maybe I shouldn’t be a offensive stereotype of bronies in a MLP fan fiction” Scott ignored what he said and ran over to the pony, attempting to hug her before being painfully bucked in the balls and shoved away.
“What the buck are you things!” Screamed the pony.
“Humans” said James.
“Well all right then, I’m going to just leave it at that due to the simple fact that the author of this fiction is just plain terrible and wants to get out of the intro as fast as possible, names Lyra Heartrings”
“So Lyra, whats with the harp tramp stamp” pointing to Lyra’s mark.
“Its my cutie mark”
“These ponies have a weird names for tramp stamps” James whispered to Scott, who was still crumbled up on the ground, holding his crotch.
“It’s a representation of who I am”
“Fuck, we got teleported to a universe of pony whores” Lyra attempted to buck James as well, but James quickly through Scott in the way, once again causing him to be bucked in the balls, this time, the pain sent him unconscious.
Scott awoke to the sound a dishs hitting a table, and woke up inside a small cottage, where James was serving plates of sandwiches. Scott quickly grabbed four sandwichs, quickly eating them. After about 5 minutes, Scott was stuffed.
“So, what was in these sandwiches?” Asked Scott.
“You know that pony we met?” this caused Scott to immediately throw up all over the table. “That was her friend, Bon Bon” Scott continued to throw up all over the dining table.
“Wait, what happened to Lyra then?” Asked Scott, he appeared to of stopped his vomiting for a few seconds.
“She was in my sandwiches” James replied, causing Scott to faint. “Well, this has gone about as well as expected”
The next day, the duo marched into Ponyville, where a white unicorn with a purple mane was dragging a crate full of diamonds.
“Whats with the diamonds” James asked.
“Oh I didn’t see you there, I’m just taking these back to my boutique” replied the Unicorn, “By the way, my names Rarity”
“A baby dragon named spike gave me some of his weed” replied Rarity.
“There is many more questions that raises, but I have a feeling I will like none of your answers, I’m going to follow you since my friend Scott is already trying to hug and the simple fact that despite having a large container full of diamonds, you seem to of put about as much protection on them as a piggy bank with a note taped to it saying do not touch”
“Is your friend touching my diamonds?” Rarity proceeded to buck Scott in the balls, causing him to fall face first into the cart of diamonds. Rarity continued to walk with her cart of diamonds with Scott unconscious laying on them.
James and the now conscious Scott entered with Rarity into the boutique.
“Wait, you were serious about owning a boutique?” said James.
“Why wouldn’t I be” replied Rarity.
“Lets see, how many ponies so far have I seen wearing clothes today, including you, none.” James said sarcastically.
“We usually only wear clothes for special events like the grand galloping gala”
“I saw that gala, of the many people there, aside from you and your friends, everyone was either naked, wearing a skin tight show costume, wearing something around their necks or wearing a saddle, presumably because they thought something would happen that night and wanted to make mounting easier” said Scott.
“But…wait a minute, what do you mean you saw that gala?” said Rarity.
“There is no fucking point to your boutique, it is a waste of space and should be burnt to the ground!” yelled James, before storming out of the boutique, completely ignoring that Rarity had talked.
“I’m sorry about James, he’s really a nice guy, but he really hates bronies like me” said Scott, before Rarity could reply, a molotiv cocktail flew through the nearby window, landing next to Rarity, consuming her instantly with the fire.
“You bucking son of a bitch” Rarity screamed as she ran wildly around the boutique, spreading the fire. The boutique was caught in a blaze of the inferno, as Rarity dived out the window, rolling on the ground as Scott brought over a large bucket of water which he dumped on Rarity.
“Dam that bucking friend of yours, I’ll tear him to pieces if I get my hoofs on him, but at least I’m ali…” Rarity was cut off as a burning chuck of the boutique broke off the upper floor, tumbling down before crushing Rarity, killing her instantly. James walked over to observe the blaze.
“Well, that went better then expected.”
(Congratulations, you have survived reading the first chapter, and I am so so sorry )
Why Humans should never be allowed in Equestria
Manehatten: Part II: Back With a Vengence
James bent down to pick up the pistol that the pony had dropped when the building landed on him, and Scott picked up his AK-47. A car had skidded next to the building when it had fallen, so James walked up to it, a panicking mare was scrambling out of the driver side door. James proceeded to shoot her in the head at point blank range.
“What the fuck did you do that for!” screamed Scott.
“Saving the author the trouble of explaining how we got another car”
“Take me with you” Said Trixie, having teleported nearby, “I hate being here, maybe I can find work in a high class strip joint instead of the low class and creepy” turning her head towards a stallion nearby.
“Aren’t you shining armour?” asked Scott.
“Don’t tell Cadance, she’ll kill me!” he said, before scurrying off quickly.
“That was strange” Said James.
“I want you to FEED me! ” Screamed Fluttershy, who appeared on top of the collapsed building, she quickly dived at Trixie, crashing tackling her, biting a chunk out of her stomach, causing her to scream in pain.
“Fuck this, lets go” Said James as he and Scott dived into the front seats of the car. They quickly reversing into Fluttershy and speeding off.
“You cannot escape ME! ” Screamed Fluttershy as she quickly abandoned Trixie and started quickly galloping towards the speeding car. It was only a few moments before she was hanging off the back of the car.
“I have an idea to slow her down” Said James.
“What?” said Scott, but before he could react, James kicked him out of the car, causing to tumble away.
“Go get him Fluttershy!” Yelled James happily, Fluttershy continued her climb onto the car however. The car was going at
“You cannot STOP me! ” Screamed Fluttershy as she smashed the window with her face in a bloody rage, she dived into James, causing him to swerve towards a tall hotels glass door entrance. As Fluttershy leaned over him, attempting to bite him, James grabbed his pistol and shot her 4 times in the stomach with his gun pressed against her. The car went through the glass doors, shattering the windscreen.
The hotel lobby had red floors and was based around a check-in desk in the centre. The car smashed right into the desk, flinging James through the gap where the windscreen used to be and out of the car, sliding along the floor. Fluttershy slid away from James, and they both started to slowly get up, when another roar was heard.
“I am the GREAT and POWERFUL TRIXIE! ” screamed Trixie, now zombified and zombifing everyone inside the hotel lobby. James ran to a nearby elevator as Fluttershy chased him, closing the doors just before she could reach them. James hit the button to go to the rooftop.
James looked up at a number indicating the current floor reached, the rooftop was after the 25th floor, currently the counter said 18 when James heard a bang. There was now a bulge in the elevator roof as Fluttershy and Trixie beat at the roof. It was 20 when the roof finally gave way and a hole was smashed through, revealing a yellow leg which James proceeded to shoot, causing it to quickly retract. Trixie pulled the hole wider until it was big enough for a pony to fit through. James quickly put 6 bullets into her head, causing her to go limp and fall into the elevator.
Fluttershy however tried smashing the wires actually holding the elevator. As the elevator reached the roof, it dropped down about a foot, as James dived through the opening doors, he turned his body around as a frustrated Fluttershy dropped down into the compartment, James fired at the wire holding the elevator up, breaking it and causing the elevator to plummet down the shaft.
“Max Payne would be so proud if he was here right now” Said James to no one in particular.
The elevator hit the bottom floor, causing a gigantic fireball to consume the lobby. Breaking the supports and any remaining sense of realism left in this story. The building started leaning and was about to fall over.
Meanwhile, James was still on the roof when a yellow hoof grabbed the edge of the elevator shaft, pulling up to reveal a very angry Fluttershy, her body covered in her own blood, James turned around and began running. In the distance he spotted something he never expected:
There he could see Rainbow Dash with Scott riding on top of her back, flying to James’s rescue. James sprinted towards the edge of the hotel, leaping off the edge and grabbing Scott’s outstretched hand. Fluttershy repeated what he did as the building completely fell over, grabbing James’s foot with her arms.
“You cannot STO… ” Fluttershy was cut off as James pressed his pistol against her forward, shooting her at point blank range, and causing her to go limp, releasing her grip on James as she fell backwards down into the city.
“Where did she come from?” asked James as he was hoisted by Scott onto Rainbow Dash’s back.
“We found each other about ten seconds after you pushed me out of the car” said Scott, having to yell to keep his voice over the sound of the wind.
“Then why didn’t you save me earlier!” yelled James.
“We were getting lunch”
(And so you finish chapter 5, which I came so close to continuing my attempts at making every chapter at least 1000 words, still, it was simply wrapping up Manehatten)
