And They Shall Not Call Thee Princess

“And They Shall Not Call Thee Princess”

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction by Wertyla

Chapter Two: “Evidence of a Conflagration”

“Sister, I’m going to bed!” Princess Luna shouted into the air as she lazily floated into the halls of Canterlot Castle. “You can go raise the sun now!” She waited for some reply, a sleepy groan or a sound to indicate that Celestia had confirmed her sister’s request and was off to start her daytime duties. Silence reigned. That’s odd, Luna thought. Did her alarm clock break? Did Fluttershy finally talk her into that aviary alarm and the birds aren’t chirping loudly enough to wake her up? It should be sunrise, but the sun and its princess are nowhere to be found!

A cream-colored, middle-aged unicorn stallion made his way slowly down the hall, his nose pointed firmly in the air to show that his rank was superior to that of most other ponies, though he was but a servant. Fortunately, Luna was taller than he, so he saw her standing in his path before a collision could occur. His gray eyes peered questioningly through small, round spectacles when he noted the princess’s concerned expression.

“Is all well this morning, Princess Luna?”

“I fear not, Kibitz,” was Luna’s solemn reply. “Perhaps I worry for nothing… Have you seen my sister today? Is she at breakfast? Does she have indigestion or something?”

“No, princess,” Kibitz answered. “I have just returned from a week-long stay in Neighagra Falls and I am afraid that I have not been watching Princess Celestia as closely as I normally would. Let me check my watch for you. Perhaps you have returned to the castle early.”

“You do not seem to be wearing a watch, Kibitz.”

The servant turned around to display his flank. “It is on my cutie mark. Do you note the pocket watch image? It is not simply a picture; it is fully functional and even sets itself automatically for Daylight Savings Time.”

“So, ponies can check the time by staring at your butt. That’s… interesting.”

“I tend to carry a real watch for show, as some ponies do not find this the most illuminating information, but my flank serves as a trusty backup, much as I serve you, princess. Now then, let us see… You are correct, Princess Luna. The sun should have risen precisely seven minutes and thirty-five seconds ago.”

“Alright, then. Where is it, then, and where is she who raises it?”

“I do not know, princess. Shall I send a maid to check her bedroom?”

“Please do, Kibitz, and get the royal guard to scour every inch of this place! It is not like my sister to fail in a role so vital to harmony in Equestria! I am sure that our fair country’s inhabitants will notice it quickly. I expect to be hearing soon from Princess Twilight Sparkle. If she arrives at the gates, tell the guards to admit her and any friends she may bring. They are to report to me.”

“Yes, Princess Luna,” Kibitz replied, and, bowing low, scurried off to carry out his orders.

Luna spread her wings, and taking advantage of a fresh, inviting gust of air blowing in from the window, took flight. She circled the magnificent palace several times, scanning it from high above and close up. Glancing into each window and receiving a few protests of “Peeping tomcat!” and “Are you pulling that eternal night trick again?!”, she satisfied herself that Celestia was not present anywhere on the grounds. Then, movement visible in the corner of her eye drew her attention to the castle gates, where Kibitz and several bulky pegasus stallions in gleaming armor appeared to be having an argument. She made a gentle landing between them.

“Hey, what’s all the commotion over here? Kibitz, explain.”

“I believe these guards wish to apologize to you, princess,” he told her quietly, throwing them suspicious looks as he did so. “Do you not wish to say you’re sorry, stallions?”

Their only answer was a muddled chorus of irritated shouts and frantic gestures. Every guard tried to explain in his own way what had occurred, and the stories of accidents and “he did it”s and “no really, it was like this”s came in torrents. Luna began to boil. Didn’t their mothers teach them to speak one at a time? Honestly, they are acting like a bunch of ill-behaved colts!

She held up an authoritative hoof. “SILENCE!” she boomed loudly enough to echo across all Equestria, and lightning came down from the starry skies. The guards’ tongues froze in their mouths, the gesticulating ceased, and their wide, fearful eyes now stared directly at their princess.

Kibitz, as unflappable as ever, sighed in calm disgust. “That was all I could get out of them, Princess Luna. They were completely incoherent and I am not even sure they know why they were all found asleep on the job.”

“They were WHAT?”

“It was not our faults, princess!” a gray, blue-maned stallion announced. “I mean, we didn’t mean to! At least, I didn’t mean it! It has never happened before and never will again, I swear to you! Not one of our guard has struggled with the night shift! We’re night owls like you! Perfect for our duty!”

“Oh? Then how do you recount and account for last night?”

“Well…” the guard began, looking down to his hooves in hesitation, “I suppose there’s not much to say. I remember standing by the gate as I always do, and then I became really tired out of nowhere. Then, I must have fallen asleep, ‘cause the next thing I knew was Kibitz sticking his big, bushy moustache in my face and yelling something about your sister and what a lot of lousy workers we were for not doing our jobs.”

“Thank you,” Luna replied coldly. She turned to the other guards. “Did any of you see him go to sleep, or any of the other of you?”

“No, ma’am,” a white, blonde stallion piped up. “I think all our stories are exactly the same. Last night, I saw one of them swaying, but I was so sleepy at the time that I couldn’t help but drop over myself. We must have all fallen down at the same time!”

“Huh!” Luna exclaimed. Gears turned in her keen mind as she considered her employee’s testimony. “This is significant information. If it had happened naturally, you would have gone out one by one. Ponies don’t just fall asleep in groups. Dealing with dreams is a large part of my own responsibilities, so I know this as a certifiable fact. It was somepony’s intention, then. I suspect that you were either the victims of a magic spell or heavily drugged. Did you see any funny-looking fog or a gas-like substance on your shift? Did any pony or another creature come to the gates?”

“No, princess.”

“No, ma’am.”

“Nope.”

“Nothing out of the ordinary. There was nobody and nothing there!”

“Disappointing,” Luna said with a frown. “This makes the knave so much harder to catch. Oh well, regardless of how it was accomplished, you were all put to sleep, then presumably a suspicious, malicious figure was able to sneak into the castle unnoticed and do harm to my sister!”

“What being could have such power as to overcome Celestia?” the white stallion asked. “Pardon me for bringing up a touchy subject, but you weren’t even able to do that yourself all those years ago when you were Nightmare Moon.”

“No offense taken,” Luna grumbled.

“In addition,” the gray stallion added, “don’t you think somepony would’ve heard her calling for help? She isn’t the type to go quietly.”

“Is it possible…” the white stallion murmured, contemplating whether he should even dare to suggest his idea, “... could it be that she did this herself? She certainly could have cast a spell on us and flown off secretly. Do you think… Did Celestia maybe run away?”

Luna’s eyes widened. The thought never would have occurred to her. How would it look to the sun princess’s loyal subjects for her to simply up and fly off on a whim? Why would she do such an extreme thing? It would be a neglect that could lead to the ruination of Equestria. The whole notion was preposterous, Luna decided. Princess Celestia was probably the most mentally stable pony in Equestria. The fortitude of even Applejack, who was famed for her hard work and tenacity, paled in comparison to Celestia’s millennia of constant service on the highest throne in all the land, air and sea. Luna had been in close contact with her in the days leading up to this and had not noted that her sister seemed particularly disturbed. Is she hiding something? No possibility must be dismissed until it could be disproven beyond a doubt.

“Kibitz, you say that you have been on vacation for the past week, but before that, you were serving my sister faithfully, yes?” Luna inquired.

“That is correct, princess.”

“I know you to be a very observant pony, so would I be accurate in assuming you are in tune with her moods?”

“I would like to think so, princess.”

“Then, do you think that Princess Celestia has been particularly melancholy as of late? Has she exhibited any strange behavior? You must know of any changes to her schedule. Has anything stuck out to you?”

Kibitz bowed his head. “I am sorry, but she seemed to be as she always is. She rules supremely and serenely. I cannot give you any of the information you seek.”

Luna sat down in a huff and crossed her front hooves across her chest. “Phooey!”

The group shared a momentary silence. All theories seemed to be exhausted. They all mourned the loss of their princess, and shuddered with the thought that anything bad could happen to a supreme deity. What could this mean for the fate of the country? This news surely had to make them reconsider the nature of their reality. If Celestia can fall, no living thing is safe. There must be a force out there more powerful than she, and it had proven itself evil enough to extinguish Equestria’s brightest light. This had to be an end-of-the-world scenario.

These grim reflections were thankfully interrupted by the arrival of the rescue squad, the harmony brigade, those great and courageous knights of friendship: the ponies representing the Elements of Harmony. The team of six consisted of Rarity, a white, violet-haired fashionista of a unicorn with a particularly generous heart, Pinkie Pie, a bouncy, bubble-gum pink earth pony with a gift for making others laugh, Rainbow Dash, a swift, daring blue pegasus with unfaltering loyalty to her friends and country, Fluttershy, a kindly, timid yellow pegasus who spent most of her time hiding behind her rosy mane, but who possessed a strength often underestimated, Applejack, a sturdy orange earth pony with a thick, blonde mane and a pleasant, honest country manner, and the leader of them all, who was Princess Twilight Sparkle, a brilliant purple alicorn with a talent for magic, who had been Celestia’s prized pupil since her days as a unicorn schoolfilly.

“Princess Luna!” Twilight exclaimed, bounding up to stand before her fellow royal. She reached into a space behind her and pulled out a hoof-full of charts, star maps and scientific notes that she had apparently all made earlier in the morning. “I have been studying with the utmost assiduousness the positions of each of the stars, the intensity and angle of the light entering my astronomy room, and the relativity of the precise times at which the moon shines most brightly, and I have reached the conclusion that daytime should have broken, the sun should be up, and it isn’t, and therefore something catastrophic has happened to disrupt the balance of the universe!”

“Ya coulda figured that out just by lookin’ at tha clock and out tha window!” Applejack pointed out. “My rooster sure was confused this mornin’. He thinks he should be gettin’ up and gettin’ all us up, but the sky’s still dark!”

“I am not sure if there’s a gentle way of breaking this, but…” Luna started, “Oh, what the hay. Celestia’s missing.”

The team gasped in unison. Twilight turned deathly white. “Oh, no. Oh no no no no no no! No! I can’t do this! I can’t… I can’t… I…”

“Snap out of it!” Rarity cried, delivering the necessary slap to the face. “What can’t you do, dear?”

“Isn’t it obvious?!” Twilight’s pitch rose sharply. “Celestia’s gone! That means that somepony will have to take over her role and it’s probably going to be me! I mean, after all, she’s been grooming me for power all my life and maybe I didn’t even notice at first because I thought she was just going to teach me how to be a good magician but then she had to go and give me wings and make me a princess and give me a big, fancy title and… Oh my Celestia! She’s gone and made me a goddess and I can’t do it and I’m going to mess up everything!”

The other ponies simply stared. There was an awkward silence, and then Twilight released the breath she had been holding in. She gave a nervous giggle. “Or maybe I’m getting just a little bit ahead of myself. Maybe that’s not it at all.”

Luna cleared her throat. “Well… then… You’re the ones she always calls when something is afoot. Do you have any suggestions as to how we proceed?” She grumbled under her breath a bit about some of her sister’s less attractive habits and how the only monster Celestia ever bothered to defeat herself was her own little sis.

“Have you searched everywhere you can for her?” Rainbow Dash asked, and received a confirming nod.

“I believe there is something you have missed!” a new voice rang out, and the ponies turned to see a new servant gallop into their midst. “Look in the Starswirl Royal Library!”

“We get to go to the LIBRARY?” a thrilled Twilight gasped. She was immediately hushed.

“Yes, princess,” the servant told her, “There is something really odd in there. We can’t figure it out. It’s like… ash everywhere.”

This news received horrified and confused glances from all present. Luna ordered the new servant, Kibitz and the guards to return to their duties, promising to tell them the outcome of the investigation when the time for it was right. Then, she led her six eager heroes deep into the Canterlot vaults, where the special library was kept. Sure enough, every inch of the place, floor, walls, ceiling and shelves, was blanketed in black.

“Oh my,” Fluttershy whispered to her company, “It makes everything look so… dark.”

“Wowee!” exclaimed Pinkie Pie. “There’s just so much of it! We could have a powder party! I think I’d rather do that with baby powder, though. It smells much nicer and the Cake twins just love it! Or how about baking powder… or… ooh! Powdered sugar! The rush from it will last for WEEKS!”

“Let’s not get too distracted,” Applejack said. She gently lowered her hoof into the substance and found the bottom about an inch down. “Tha floor looks burnt. Help me dig, girls.”

“Put my hoof in… THAT stuff?” Rarity shrank back with revulsion. “It’ll stain my pristine coat forever!”

“It’s either that or don’t solve tha mystery and find tha princess! Yah’d do it for Celestia, wouldn’t ya? After all, ya can just think of it as an excuse for long bubble bath or day at tha spa or somethin’. I dunno about ya’ll, but I think I’ll use mah tail as a broom.”

The ponies dug and swept until a dark, round patch about twice Luna’s size appeared on the floor. Everything around it seemed undamaged. Twilight noted that every book on the shelves would be as good as new with a simple dusting. Another book lay near the patch, however, that caught her attention. She levitated it and desperately tried to wipe it clean, but the pages were reduced to ash.

“It’s dead!” she sobbed. “Who knows what invaluable knowledge it could have contained? It could have been the only one of its kind! It’s lost! It’s lost!!”

“Shouldn’t you be crying like that over Celestia?” Luna warned, bringing the purple alicorn back to the matter at hand.

“We cannot say for sure that she is dead,” Rarity countered. “Aren’t the two of you immortal?”

“Technically, yes, but we can be… destroyed.”

Twilight wasn’t listening. She scraped the ground thoughtfully with her hoof, grunted sagely and rubbed her chin. “There is definitely evidence of a conflagration.”

“I dunno,” Applejack said. “I’ve seen a lotta fires in my time and it looks more like one’a them to me.” Twilight opened her mouth to speak, then thought better of it.

Rainbow Dash hovered over them to get an aerial view. “It looks like something exploded.”

“Ooh, I know!” Pinkie Pie burst out. “What if Celestia was in here reading last night when an old witch who was a great big meanie and didn’t like her came in and cast a spell on her?!”

Twilight dismissed this with a wave of the hoof. “Oh, please, Pinkie. You have such an active imagination! That can’t possibly be it. Judging by the proximity and condition of the book, which we now cannot read because it’s utterly and tragically ruined, I am going to propose the theory that our dear and most sincerely beloved leader was reading about a combustion spell, accidentally spoke it aloud and triggered it, and thus blew herself up!”

Another moment of silence reigned. Applejack decided that she wanted a final confirmation before giving herself over to grief, so she turned to the teary-eyed Luna and asked, “Can y’all do that? Blow yerselves up, I mean?” Luna nodded, and so Applejack calmly removed her brown stetson hat, held it to her heart, and they all mourned together. Little did they know how wrong they were.

END OF CHAPTER TWO