And They Shall Not Call Thee Princess

“And They Shall Not Call Thee Princess”

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction by Wertyla

Chapter Three: “A Place to Spend the Night”

Celestia woke up in a cold, hard place. Every muscle ached and her head felt as though it had been stuffed with cotton. She felt bare and wondered where her thick fur blanket had gone. It must have fallen to the floor, she thought. As she groaned and stretched, she remarked to herself that she ought to buy a new bed. Her mattress was made of Equestria’s most expensive silk, hoof-stitched shut with golden thread and filled with the downy feathers shed by pegasus foals as they grow into older fillies and colts. It had served her well for the past few years, but the fluff must have become crushed over time, because it felt nothing now like it did at the time of its purchase.

She lifted a weary hoof to her face and rubbed vigorously until she felt more awake. A wide yawn escaped her lips and the active hoof missed its target and stuck firmly in her mouth. “Pfffbbbbtllll! That’s dirt! Wait… My hoof is covered in dirt? This isn’t the mud bath stuff, either!”

Her eyes widened in confusion, letting in the bright sunshine that flooded the scene. She thought, ah, it burns! I did not command the sun to be lit this intensely! It must be lowered and dimmed immediately. One cannot do this without arousing suspicion from my subjects, however. Many of the ponyfolk complain when the sun isn’t in its proper place in the sky. They say they need it to be precise and predictable for their sundials or some such nonsense. Perhaps I can make an exception today. I do not feel well.

“KIBITZ!” Celestia bellowed. “Kibitz, what time is it?!” Her voice rang out clearly and loudly, but no response came. She could hear the words echo faintly across the landscape, and then came the realization that she wasn’t in a bed at all. She wasn’t even in her comfortable palace! This was somewhere out in the middle of nowhere, a desolate desert decorated with nothing but rocks, cacti and a lonely railroad track that wound its way across the sands.

Celestia rose to her hooves and brushed herself off, and as she did so, she noted that her golden hoof guards and royal jewels were absent. Then, she recalled that she had been caught in a supernatural fire which had taken them from her. No need to panic, she thought. More can be made. My budget is limitless, and if need be, I may force the crafters to recreate them for free. All must bow to my supreme authority. Now, I shall simply cast a teleportation spell and go home and everything will be as it has always been. Did the old hag really think she could punish me?

She closed her eyes and concentrated, expecting to feel the warmth of her magic on her forehead as her horn glowed and performed the necessary task. There was nothing this time. She squeezed her eyes more tightly shut and tensed until every muscle was strained beyond its limit. She held her breath until she was red in the face, and then until she turned blue, and she thought about the spell with all her glorious might. Still nothing.

“Need a laxative, lady?” an unfamiliar voice called out.

The startled princess gasped and relaxed, and, drawing herself up to her full height, which somehow seemed to be shorter than it usually was, she thrust her nose into the air and gave a look of icy contempt to this commoner, this weakling, this mere mortal who had dared to make her seem so undignified. The pony in question was a young, blue-eyed earth pony mare with a dull red coat and a wavy mane of unremarkable brown color. She did not seem at all fazed by a glare from her superior, and stared back puzzledly. Finally, after an awkward silence, Celestia spoke.

“What nerve have you, insulting your princess in such an egregious fashion?”

“My what?”

“Your princess! Surely you do not fail to recognize that I am Princess Celestia, goddess of the sun, regent over the moon, and ultimate leader of all ponykind for more eons than any feeble peasant can count?”

“Doesn’t a princess have to be an alicorn? You know, a pony with a horn and wings?”

“Are you blind?!”

“I don’t think so. Are you?”

“Certainly not!” Celestia declared. She reached a hoof to the top of her head, expecting at any moment to make contact with the hard substance that made up her horn, but only succeeded in mussing her mane and making herself look even more disheveled than she had been already. Her indignant expression turned to one of shock and confusion. She moved the hoof down and behind her, feeling around the whole of her back for a pair of feathery wings. “Where are my horn and wings?! I must be an earth pony! My mane and tail… They aren’t flowy and sparkly anymore!”

The mare before Celestia seemed uncomfortable, her untrusting gaze fixed unwaveringly in Celestia’s direction, and she stood frozen in place, debating whether to stay and help this poor mental case she had surely encountered or run the other way as fast as her legs would carry her. Finally, after much deliberation, she took a heavy sigh and extended her hoof.

“My name is Sweet Simplicity… Celestia… Whoever you are... I live in a village about a mile away from here. You look like you could use a cup of tea and a sit by a warm fire. How about coming home with me?”

Celestia did not know how to react to this. First, she took the offer as an insult. She asked the mare, “Do I look like one to be pitied?”

“To be honest… you look kind of like a hobo.”

Celestia could not bear the suggestion. It made her livid. She turned bright red once more and began to open and close her mouth like a fish. Try as she might, however, she had no clever zingers to refute the pony’s argument with. No hard evidence, either. She looked down at her body. It was small, its fur scraggly and streaked with dirt, and its skin discolored with bruises, which suddenly began to ache as she noticed them. There was no horn. There were no wings. She carried no clothing or bags with her. What in Equestria did the hag do to her? Was there no way to confirm her identity? Perhaps if she could tell the pony where she came from, she would be sent back and offered sympathy, cures and professional massage therapy.

“How far away am I from Canterlot Castle? Do you know how to get there?”

Sweet Simplicity cocked her head and began to reconsider. Obviously, this Celestia pony was a raving lunatic, imagining things that did not exist. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what you’re talking about. Maybe you should take a rest in a proper bed.”

“What do you mean ‘I don’t know’? How did you ever pass Geography class as a filly?!”

“I did well enough. Please… I beg you to come with me. You’re not going to be helped by spending another night on the streets and being stubborn.”

Celestia was amazed. She thinks I’m homeless, she thought, and I cannot prove I’m not! I have no idea where I am and this ignorant mule of a mare hasn’t even heard of my palace. She seems plain, but not overly stupid. Is this some other universe? Could the hag possibly know mirror magic? I know that it can be used to create a portal to that place with the tall, weird-looking ape-things, but are there other pony universes out there, just waiting to be explored and conquered? This information could change everything, but I cannot use it to my advantage until I escape from this miserable state. I suppose I have no choice but to go with her.

“Very well, then,” Celestia assented. “Let us to your carriage.”

Sweet Simplicity was more and more struck with her newfound companion’s strangeness. Does this pony seriously mistake herself for royalty? “I don’t own one, Celestia.”

“What? You said you live a mile away. How are we supposed to get that far?”

“We walk. You are strong enough, aren’t you? I’m not sure I can carry you on my back.”

“I am stronger than all of the ponies in your village combined. Of course I can walk. It’s just… I’ve grown accustomed to be chauffeured by my guards.”

As they began their journey, Sweet Simplicity began to wish this mare would stop talking. It was unsettling to hear her babble on with wild tales of luxury and grandeur. It was nothing that Sweet Simplicity had ever experienced herself, having come from a family of humble birth, but she was convinced that Celestia hadn’t either. Yet, she told these stories so well… Perhaps she was an author who had fallen upon hard times, and it drove her mad to the point she could not tell fiction from reality. Whatever had happened to her, she had to be mad. That was clear enough.

Sooner than Celestia had expected, a cluster of tiny houses and shops came into view. She commented on their quaintness, a term that made Sweet Simplicity wince. I would think that after being alone in the desert, the humble earth pony told herself, any kind of civilization would look like the greatest thing that ever happened. This mare is divorced from reality. What do I do with her?

Celestia gazed into the windows of trinket shops, general stores and clothing outlets and muttered quietly to herself. Suddenly, her regal violet eye landed upon a mannequin dressed in a tan-colored hooded cape decorated with a clasp of disturbingly familiar design.

“Aha! Do you see that? There is my cutie mark on that article of clothing! How can that be if I am not a pony of importance? If I am not the princess of the sun, why is there a ‘soleil’ on my ‘derriere’?”

Sweet Simplicity gave her a blank stare. “I didn’t take Prench classes in school.”

“It means I have a sun on my butt.”

“Oh… I assumed it was because of your sunny personality.”

“Is that sarcasm?”

“Perhaps,” Sweet Simplicity shrugged. “Actually, I don’t tend to go around with my eyes on other ponies’ rear ends. I didn’t notice what your mark was until you brought it up.”

“Insolent filly,” Celestia grouched.

Sweet Simplicity, a pony of great patience, choose to ignore this remark, as well as all others before it. She looked at the worn-out, suffering pony in front of her, and then beyond that pony and to the skies. The real sun was lower now than it had been when she first discovered Celestia, and taking this into consideration, she saw the opportunity to do a good deed. She reached behind her and pulled a few bits into her hoof. They were counted carefully, then she glanced back at the store window and then to Celestia again. Yes, that would work perfectly.

“Hey, I know you don’t like me very much, but can you listen for just a minute? There will be a big temperature drop outside come sunset, and I’m worried about your health. Why don’t we go in and I’ll buy you that cape? You seem to like it and it will keep you very warm.”

Celestia was silent for a moment. This took her genuinely by surprise. She considered complaining that it would be beneath her to receive charity like some common beggar, and then a cool gust of wind blew through. Her mane and tail rippled until it passed and she shivered.

She sighed. “I am not in a position to argue with you. Let’s get it, then. Follow me in.”

The former princess mustered as much dignity as she could and proceeded into the store with as much grace as her hurting joints would allow of her. A burly brown unicorn stallion manned the register, and cast an inquisitive glance at his new customer’s shabby appearance. He searched through his mind for something tactful to say, and eventually came up with, “I’ve never seen you before. New in town? Just visiting maybe? You a friend of Sweets here?”

Celestia’s coldly proud facade fell apart instantly. She stamped her hoof and screamed, “What IS it with these ponies?! Does not one of them know who I am? This is not what I meant when I told my sister I wanted to project an air of mystery!”

“Hush,” Sweet Simplicity whispered in her ear. “Use your common sense! We don’t want to cause a scene.”

“COMMON sense?!” Celestia repeated, amplifying the words like a megaphone. “Common sense is for common folk, which I most certainly am not. I am a divine being, no matter what you tell me. I insist it! Just because you deny my deity does not make it any less real!”

The cashier motioned for Sweet Simplicity to come over to him. When she was sufficiently close, he spoke in a low voice, “Where’d you pick this one up? Does she need… Should I call somepony professional with a big needle and a straitjacket to come take her away?”

Sweet Simplicity desperately shook her head. After taking a glance back at Celestia to ensure that she was out of hearing range, she replied, “She’s delusional, but harmless, I’m sure.”

“I don’t know if I’d be so sure if I were you. The pony’s jabbering something about being some ‘Princess Celestia’ I’ve never heard of and it looks like she really believes it.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know that. Look, just let me buy that cape in the window. She won’t shut up about how it looks like her cutie mark. Take my bits and I’ll take the cape and we’ll leave and be out of your mane, okay?”

“Alright then, but don’t blame me when she does something stupid. Ponies like that need to be watched for their own good.”

Sweet Simplicity nodded and “mmm-hmm”ed to everything he said, slapped the money down onto his counter, nodded and “mmm-hmm”ed to everything Celestia said, grabbed Celestia by the tail and rushed out.

“How dare you pull upon my royal person?” Celestia hissed as they made their way through the streets of the calm little village.

“No pony of my status throws a tantrum like that when somepony we’ve never met before doesn’t know who we are. In fact, it would be kind of creepy if they did know!”

“Isn’t there something you’re known for around here, if not noble birth?”

“To my friends and family, probably, but I don’t go around proclaiming myself to random strangers I see just hanging around!”

“If one is important enough, one does not need to proclaim. One simply is and is recognized by the masses.”

Sweet Simplicity was growing tired of this conservation. She took the cape in her mouth and tossed it over Celestia, much to the latter’s protest, and forcefully fastened the clasp. “There. Why don’t you wear this over your pretty princess head and be anonymous for a while? Think of it as going incognito. Don’t celebrities do that sometimes? I can get you some sunglasses tomorrow to complete the look if you want me to. Your wish is my command.”

“Without me,” Celestia said, becoming solemn, “there will be no tomorrow. You scoff, but it is true. The sun rises and sets on my watch because of my magic. No magic, no sun, no tomorrow. It’s that simple.”

“I see… Then how do you explain that the sun rose today without any action from you, and it is now beginning to set without your permission? Where I come from, it does so all the time. It’s how nature works. Nopony can control it.”

Celestia removed her hood and gazed high above herself. The heavens stretched before her in rainbow glory, slowly fading over time from a shining gold to a rusty red to a cool twilight blue. This was a point that she had to concede, no matter how difficult it was for her to accept. She tried to imagine a world that could govern itself without pony help. Did this concept extend to the seasons and animals as well? Did winter wrap up itself in this world, and the autumn leaves fall from the trees of their own accord? Did the birds hunt for their own worms, the squirrels for their nuts and the rabbits for their precious carrots? Is it possible, she thought, that it could have been this way all along in her own world, but her pony race had, in their lust for full control of every aspect of life, taught and forced nature to be dependent on them?

“This is completely new to me,” Celestia said quietly. “It’s all very overwhelming. I want to go to bed. How much longer until we get to your house?”

Sweet Simplicity stopped for a moment and pointed her hoof at a modest wooden house that had emerged into their view. “See that one? The one with the little garden out front? That’s it, Celestia.”

The former princess was shocked. “That miserable little shack? You mean a pony can actually LIVE there?”

Sweet Simplicity sighed. “I have all my life. It isn’t much to you, maybe, but I have grown to love it. It has all I need, after all. A bedroom, a bath, a kitchen, a little gathering room with a fireplace, and even an outhouse in the back! What could you say… I suppose it has a kind of rustic charm.”

“I see no guards.”

“There are none. The closest thing I ever had was my dog, but he died a few years ago. Don’t worry, Celestia. I’m pretty sure nopony is going to try and break in. There isn’t much to steal, and nobody’s out to assassinate me or anything. At least I have a lock. That makes it safe.”

The pair approached the front door, which was no grand, gilded, gated and jewel-encrusted beauty, but simply a large plank of wood painted red, with a brass handle and lock attached. It was ornamented only with a plain brass knocker. Celestia was skeptical. “And you want me to sleep here?”

“I keep a foldable cot in my bedroom closet in case any guests come for a sleepover. I’m guessing it would be too uncomfortable for your… royal tastes… though. My bed isn’t much better, but if you’d prefer that, by all means, I can use the cot tonight.”

“It’s a veritable log cabin,” Celestia muttered.

Sweet Simplicity put a comforting hoof on her companion’s shoulder, looked kindly into her eyes and gave a caring smile. “It’s a place to spend the night,” she said quietly, hoping that Celestia would realize the gravity of her situation and the necessity of any kind of sleeping place.

Celestia straightened her posture, gave a haughty flip of the mane. and proceeded to the handle. She answered, “Tonight, your house shall be honored with my presence.”

“Thank you,” Sweet Simplicity whispered.

END OF CHAPTER THREE