New Life After Old

Max woke up. He hurt all over. He tried to move, but then screamed in pain. His head was looking over at his side. His vision looked like his eyes were smeared with crude petroleum. From what he could tell, he was in a clearing in a forest.

"I heard a scream! I think something's hurt!"

"We all did, Fluttershy!"

"...Sorry..."

Fluttershy? Well, her parents either hated her or were stupid. That name brings a one hundred percent chance of bullying in middle school through high school, best case scenario.

"Help..." He croaked.

"OHMYCELESTIAAPONYYAYNEWFRIENDYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

'All aboard the hyper-girl-who-drank-ten-tons-of-sugary-coffee-to-drink-an-adrenaline-pill-five-minutes-ago train! DWOOT DWOOT!' He thought. 'Wait... who's Celestia? She said celestial, right? Who says "oh my celestial?"'

By this time she was bouncing up and down around him.

"HimynameisPinkiePiewhat'syoursdoyoulikecupcakeswhataboutpartiesofcoursewhoamIkiddingeveryonelikesboth-"

"Pinkie Pie, give him some space, he's hurt really bad by the sound of his voice."

She faltered at this and her cotton candy hair went straight.

"Okay..." she said as she trotted away.

Wait... trotted? And he should have noticed this by now, but, did they call him a pony?

And why was he alive?

'Hospital first, then answers.'

"We need to get him to the hospital."

'JUST CALL 911!'

"I'll take him."

"Rainbow Dash, he can't hang on, and he'd just fall off your back and maybe die. No, I'll just teleport him and I."

'Okay, their parents were stupid with all of their names and everything else. It was in their genes.'

"What's your name?"

He tried to tell her, but soot just fell down his throat.

"What could have done this? Nothing on Equis even can do this yet."

'First of all, Equis? Second of all, maybe an EXPLOSION, I don't know, could be anything, DURR-HUR.'

"Does it matter? Just teleport him and you."

'Okay, I don't know what fantasy world you live in, but ain't nobody got teleportation.'

POP

'...Whaddafrick just happened?'

"Nurse Redheart! Something hurt this pony severely and I have absolutely no idea what! Please get him top medical attention and send for Spike!"

'Finally a kind of normal name!'

"Why Spike?"

"To send a message to Celestia, she may know what did this!"

'...IS ANYTHING NORMAL IN THIS WORLD!?!?!?!? And again, with the "celestial!"'

In teh meedeecahl r00m...

"Okay, clean the black dust off of him!"

'Soot, lady, it's called soot.'

"Wish I knew what it is really called..."

'#facepalmoverninethousand.'

After they cleaned him up, they doused him with water. When they saw his clean, no-soot face, they gasped. Max knew this all too well, especially in middle through high school. Every year, he was voted most attractive, most athletic, most likely to succeed, etc.

MEANWHILE, IN HIS BRAINS OPERATION ROOM-

[Screaming]

"Calm down, people, they'll just help him and let him out! This is code red, not code black!"

People returned to they work stations, still scared and excited.

MEANWHILE, IN REAL LIFE-

"Oh, I wish he was my mate... he's so beautiful... I just want to kiss him forever..."

MEANWHILE, IN HIS BRAINS OPERATION ROOM-

[Loudest alarms you've ever heard and ever will hear are blaring]

"Code jet black, I repeat, we have a code jet black!"

"HIT THE EMERGENCY FAINT BUTTON!!!!!!"

MEANWHILE, IN REAL LIFE-

"...I think he fainted."