Original screenplay by Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld
Inspired by Equinefeld by writer
“You don’t really want to visualize your parents having sex, you know what I mean? It’s somehow a very uncomfortable thing.”
The crowd responded to Rainbow Dash’s joke with a light, but anticipating laugh.
“You know in your mind that they would have had to have sex at least once to have you, but you still kind of maintain the image in your head that—‘Well, I don’t *know*, I’m not *positive*, I can’t *prove* it, I don’t know if that *actually* happened…’”
The crowd let out another stream of chuckles following her animated emphasis on the humorously dubious logic.
“That’s why I think if I found out I was adopted, that would really come as great news! ‘I’m adopted? That’s great!’ I’d be happy to hear that! That means *technically*… It’s *possible*, that my mother and my father are just really great friends.”
Rainbow acted out a motion of relief with an expression of desperate denial. The crowd continued to be fed as they lost themselves laughing.
“I mean, sex is great…” Rainbow continued, adjusting the microphone to bring it closer to her, and feeling a little proud of her hit. “…But you don’t wanna think that your whole life began because somepony, maybe, had a little too much wine with dinner.”
It was an atypical, uneventful day in Ponyville. Busy ponies were hustling throughout the town to get where they needed to be and finish whatever work they needed to do. Near the center of town, three mares sat in a booth at Sugarcube Corner, eating their lunch.
“Lemme ask you a question…” Rainbow began, gesturing to the lavender unicorn that sat across the table from her. Twilight, who was in the middle of taking a bite, gave an acknowledgement that she had her attention. “You’re a hostage captured by terrorists…”
“Who, me?” Twilight asked with her mouth still full.
“You, anypony, whatever.” Rainbow dismissed, waving her hoof. “You’re in the little room, chained to the floor, you’re there for a long time… Do you think they would ever consider doing your laundry?”
“What? Of what little clothes we wear maybe twice a year? Sure, why not?” Twilight responded without even having to think about it.
“You!” Next to Rainbow, Pinkie Pie accusingly pointed her hoof at Twilight and spoke in a mock-villainous accent. “Take off those socks, your sweater, we’re doing a wash! Take them off! Take them off!”
Rainbow and Twilight both chuckled at their friend’s usual goofy antics. As they came down from their laughter, they turned their attention to a particularly downcast looking orange earth pony mare who quietly sat down in the booth next to Twilight. Applejack was met with warm greetings from her friends, but said nothing. Noticing her friend’s silence and grim expression, Rainbow spoke up. “What’s the matter?”
Applejack took a second to gather the words needed to tactfully explain her predicament. After a deep breath, “Mah granny caught me…” she cryptically said.
“’Caught you’? Doing what?” Rainbow asked on behalf of the three ponies with confused looks on their faces.
“Ya know.” She replied flatly. Looking between her still perplexed friends, she elaborated further. “Ah was alone…”
Twilight’s face lit up as she came to the realization. “You mean…?!”
Applejack nodded glumly in confirmation. “Uh huh…”
“She caught you?!” Pinkie chuckled.
“Where?” Rainbow asked, leaning forward.
Applejack took a deep, exasperated breath. “Ah stopped inside the house after working the field to grab a quick refreshment, and ah sat down in the livin’ room for a few minutes. Nopony was there! Applebloom was at school, Big Macintosh an’ Granny were supposed to be workin’ the market!” Applejack said with visible distress. Rainbow let out a small, lighthearted scoff and returned to her normal posture. “…Mah granny had a Green Magazine on the coffee table, and ah started leafin’ through it…” She added with the slightest hint of shame.
Twilight and Rainbow once again lit up with gigantic grins at the little detail. “Green?” Rainbow repeated with amusement. The agricultural magazine was well-known for its farming tips, news in the world of agriculture, and its advertisements featuring strongly-built and ruggedly handsome stallions. Pinkie let out another hearty chuckle.
“So one thing led to another…” Applejack continued, wincing as she recollected everything that had happened.
“So what did she do?!” Rainbow’s blurted excitedly.
“First, she screams ‘APPLEJACK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! DEAR GODDESS!!’, then it looked like she was about to faint! She started clutching the wall, trying to hang on to it! Ah didn’t know whether to try an’ keep her from falling or cover mahself up…” The shame in her voice earlier had now morphed into a kind of astonishment.
“What did you do?”
“Ah covered mahself up!”
“So she fell?” Twilight asked, mouth agape.
“Yeah…” The three other ponies were barely able to stifle the laughter that threatened to escape from them. Applejack’s brow furrowed. “Well ah couldn’t run over there the way that I was, now could ah?!” The unicorn and the pegasus nodded in agreement. “So she fell, screaming ‘MAH BACK! MAH BACK!’ So ah picked her up an’ took her to the hospital…” She shook her head in disbelief of it all.
Twilight was still struggling to bottle up her giggles. “How is she?”
“She’s in traction.” She replied sternly. Twilight let out an innocent apology as Applejack admonished her for laughing at her grandmother’s tragic accident. “Her back went out, she’s gotta be there for a couple a’ days! All she said on the way over was ‘WHY APPLEJACK?! WHYYYYY?!!’” She paused momentarily. “Ah said ‘Because it’s there…’”
There was a long silence. “Green?!” Rainbow quipped once again, still in stitches.
“Ah’ll tell you this, though…” Applejack’s tone hardened in resolve. “Ah am never doing… that… again.”
“What? You mean in the living room or altogether?” Twilight asked for clarification.
“Altogether!” The table descended into a pile of disbelief and eye rolling. Applejack’s brow furrowed. “Wait, you don’t think ah can?” Applejack challenged.
“No chance!” Rainbow laughed, wiping away a small tear from her eye.
“You think you could?”
Rainbow shrugged nonchalantly. “Well, I know I could hold out longer than you!”
Applejack sat silently for a moment, staring intently at her multicolour-maned friend from across the table. She set her elbows on the table and laid her hooves together. “Care to make it interestin’?”
Rainbow took a second to process what had just been proposed. “Sure,” she replied coolly. “How much?”
“A hundred bits?”
The pagasus smiled devilishly. “You’re on.”
“Wait a second, wait a second…” Pinkie eagerly interjected, setting down the milkshake she had been nursing. “Count me in on this!”
Rainbow was taken with some surprise by her friend’s desire to enter a high-stakes wager that would require her to restrain her dangerously unpredictable sex drive. “You?” She scoffed. “You’ll be out before we get the cheque!” Pinkie shot her a not-quite-menacing death stare.
“I wanna be in on this, too!” Twilight exclaimed, wanting to be included in the fun (or lack thereof). The three other ponies let out a series of groans, head shakes and objections at the idea of letting a pony whose sex drive was comparable to that of a half-dead dog on a hot summer day, have the advantage.
“Oh come on, you can’t be in this, Twi! You’re practically asexual!” Rainbow explained. “We have to do it, it’s part of our lifestyle! We’re not letting you walk away with three hundred bits that easily!”
Twilight took offense to this. “I am not asexual, that is such bullshit! I’ve clopped plenty of times!”
“Not every day.” Pinkie hastily pointed out; her mouth still half-full of milkshake.
Twilight sank back into her seat with her arms folded, and a disappointed look on her face. Applejack rolled her eyes. “Alright, look, you wanna be in it?”
“Yeah!”
“You gotta give us odds, at least two to one. You gotta put up two hundred bits!”
“No! A thousand!” Pinkie exclaimed quite seriously.
“I’ll put up one fifty.” Twilight sternly counter-offered.
After a quick moment to think, Applejack allowed it. “Okay, you’re in for one fifty.” Applejack and the others agreed, nodding their heads at the acceptable compensation. There was still one problem that needed to be addressed, however. “Now… How are we gonna monitor this thing?”
Rainbow Dash spoke up and addressed the three mares that surrounded her. “Now, obviously we all know each other very well.” The friends nodded. “I’m sure we’ll all feel comfortable in the confines of the honour system.” She solemnly pointed to each of the girls as she said the last words.
“Alright.” Pinkie nodded and gave her acceptance of the terms. She put her hoof towards the center of the group, while the other three followed suit. The friends let out a cheer as the contest officially began.
Ever since Rainbow Dash had lost her job as part of the weather team, she had struggled to make ends meet. The house she had lived in was rather extravagant, and would normally only be affordable to either a dual-income family, or a pony whose job paid a substantial salary. Rainbow Dash had—at one point—a job that provided just that. Unfortunately, she had lost her high-up position on the weather team when a crippled economy brought layoffs en masse. With her savings and pension being bled dry, she was unable to make her mortgage payments, and the bank was forced to foreclose her house. Rainbow Dash was homeless.
Luckily for her, she had friends that would not leave her out in cold. Pinkie Pie had explained her friend’s situation to Mr. and Mrs. Cake who kindly offered her a room in the surprisingly large upstairs of Sugarcube Corner until she got back on her feet.
Rainbow Dash was astonished at just how large it was. The guest room was more like a guest apartment. It had a strangely comfortable, modern feel to it in complete contrast to the tacky sweet shop that was just downstairs. The room was large enough to fit in a couch, a loveseat, a bed, and even her own bathroom and kitchen. She truly wondered why in the many years she had been eating at this place, she had never once seen what was practically a designer condo right above her.
She promised the Cakes that she would not overstay her welcome, and would work on finding a job right away to pay her dues. They had kindly reassured her that she could take all the time she needed to get back on her feet, and that she would always be welcome. Pinkie Pie in particular was excited, as her room was right across the hall from Rainbow’s.
After a streak of turn-downs from prospective job opportunities, Rainbow had tried to drown away her sorrows and uncertainty one night at a local bar. After downing a few glasses of liquid courage, Rainbow had decided to participate in the bar’s ‘open mic’ night. Much to her own surprise, her impromptu stand-up comedy act of observational humour had been a hit, and she had since made a name for herself as a comedian on a professional level, performing at both local venues, and sometimes even travelling to other cities.
With a steady income hers once again, Rainbow was now able to properly compensate the Cakes for the hospitality they provided her, and now had a home at Sugarcube Corner.
Rainbow Dash sat down on her couch lethargically, munching a bowl of cereal as Applejack paced around the room, desperately shouting at her grandmother over the phone. “No, Granny! Ah am NOT gonna see a psychiatrist!” It was clear that she was reaching the end of her patience. “N- Ah don’t care if you DO pay for it! No, discussion over! Yeah, ah’ll see you later… Yes, of course ahm gonna come by! Alright…”
Applejack hung up the phone and flopped down on the couch next to an emotionally indifferent Rainbow Dash who was busy taking another bite of her cereal. “Mah Granny wants me to see a psychiatrist now!” She spat with utter disbelief. “Why?! Because she caught me?! Ya know, if everypony who did that, had to go see a psychiatrist…” She let out an angry, snorty sort of laugh.
After a moment of silence, Rainbow looked over to her and gestured with her hoof for Applejack to finish that thought. “Yeah…?”
After a moment of silence, she could only reply with an irate “Whatever.”
The buzzer next to the door sounded, indicating Rainbow had a visitor. She got up from the couch to answer it. “How is she?” She asked, making her way to the door.
“She’ll be fine, ah gotta go to the hospital to see her tonight…”
Rainbow pressed a button and spoke in the buzzer. “Yeah?”
“It’s me.” Twilight’s voice replied.
“Come on up.” Rainbow unlocked the door for Twilight and made her way back to the couch.
Applejack looked up curiously to her friend.“Hey, what are ya doing tonight?”
“Date with Soarin.”
“Oh, that Wonderbolts star?”
“Yeah…” Rainbow replied despondently. Soarin was by no means a stupid pony, but when it came to sex he was—to put it lightly—‘inexperienced’. Every advance that Rainbow had made on him, no matter how ‘blatantly subtle’, flew right over his head as he smiled and nodded obliviously. If they weren’t so early in the relationship, Rainbow would have simply pinned him down and made her intentions obvious by now. Painfully obvious.
“Any… ehh… ‘Progress’ on that? What’s the latest?”
Rainbow gave a shrug with her wings. “Well, I got my troops amassed along the border; I’m just waiting for somepony to give me the ‘go ahead’.”
Applejack gave her friend a small empathetic head nod in return. Before anything else could be said on the matter, Rainbow’s door flew open to reveal a pink form quickly sliding in. Pinkie Pie quickly made her way to the window on the other side of the room, she had a strange look on her face. “Hey look at this, come here!” She said hurriedly. “There’s a new stallion that moved in across the street!”
Applejack and Rainbow quickly exchanged puzzled expressions before joining their friend sitting by the window. “Second floor from top, see the window on the left?” Pinkie said, pointing to it.
The three ponies stared at the unaware stallion in the next building over, who was still unpacking his belongings from boxes. His attention was divided between sorting through his possessions, and watching something on a television that he had finished setting up. Applejack was still confused. “Pinkie, ah don’t see why we’re-” She stopped her sentence cold when the stallion turned his body towards another box, revealing a shockingly well-endowed statement of his masculinity.
Applejack’s breath was taken. “Wow…” She gasped, astonished.
Rainbow Dash’s eyes shot open in wonder and disbelief. “Who has something THAT big?!”
Applejack squinted her eyes, focusing as hard as she could across the street. She peered closer at the stallion’s finely crafted ass to see that his cutie mark was a red heart with an interlinked male/female symbol within it. “Maybe he’s one of them porno stars…” She pondered listlessly.
“Yeah…” Pinkie sighed dreamily. “Yeah…”
The three zombified mares continued to stare in awe at the sight before them, not daring to move a muscle, barely breathing, simply taking in the sight of one of nature’s greatest wonders. Suddenly, without warning, Pinkie leapt up from her spot and exited the room as quickly as she had entered, closing the door behind her. Rainbow Dash and Applejack didn’t even notice their friend’s disappearance, still fixated on the beacon across the street.
“Lemme ask you a question; these porno stars, are they all this… Gifted?” Rainbow asked, her eyes still locked in place.
“Ah’d imagine so… I hear ya gotta be gifted if you wanna get into their line of work…”
“What about the mares?”
“The mares are gifted… The stallions are gifted… It’s one big Hearth’s Warmin’ mornin’…” Rainbow let out a low, impressed whistle.
The door opened once again as Twilight strolled into the room. “Hey!” She cheerfully greeted her friends.
The two girls at the window turned back for a second and gave their half-hearted greetings before returning to their slack-jawed gawking. Twilight strutted over towards them, feeling extremely confident. “Well? Where’s my money? Who caved?”
The duo once again momentarily broke their concentration to give a nonchalant “Not me”.
Curious by their laser-focused stare at something out the window, Twilight inquired “What are you looking at?”
“There’s a really big stallion across the street.” Rainbow enlightened, with a stupid smile stuck to her face.
Twilight joined them by the window and took a quick glance to see what the big deal was. She let out a victorious chortle at her friends as she walked away almost instantaneously upon laying eyes on the brain-draining culprit. It nearly made her feel guilty that she would win this contest by such a landslide. “This is going to be the easiest money I’ve ever made in my life…” She said smugly. The earth pony and the pegasus didn’t react. “So Rarity is teaching an aerobics class, and I’m gonna go tonight.”
Neither of the mares turned around. “Yeah… Yeah… The waitress should have taken it back…” Rainbow replied, in a tone somehow even more monotonous and detached than before.
Twilight stood in silence for a moment, her eyes half-lidded. There was obviously no point on trying to make conversation with these two since their minds were now transported to a faraway land. “…So I got a call this morning. The princesses are dead.” She added sarcastically with an eye roll. “I’m going to Canterlot to take their place. I’m gonna rule Equestria.”
“...Uh huh…”
“...Have a good time…”
Before Twilight could fly another snarky comment over the stupefied mares’ heads, the apartment door flew open as Pinkie Pie casually walked inside. She stopped in front of the kitchen counter and dropped a small pouch onto it. It let out the small sound of coins clinking together. “I’m out.” She said simply, her face and tone were perfectly neutral.
The three mares all turned to face her, wearing expressions of utter shock. Rainbow and Applejack managed to pull themselves away from the window in disbelief, jaws still slacked. Pinkie continued to lean on the kitchen counter casually, meeting their dumbfounded gazes with her completely blank one. After a long silence, Twilight finally spoke up. “What?!”
“Yeah, I’m out. I’m out of the contest.” She replied, not a hint of regret in her voice.
“You’re out?!” Applejack parroted, still trying to wrap her head around how quickly and painlessly her friend had just surrendered a hundred bits.
“Wow!” Twilight remarked with amazement. “That was fast!”
“Well, it was that big stallion across the street. You better be careful sweetheart, he’s gonna get you next!” Pinkie warned, giving a concerned point towards the group. Without another word, she left.
Twilight slowly twirled to face the other two contenders, a devious grin on her face.
“And then there were three…”
The sun was setting on the Ponyville Medical Center. Applejack slumped unenthusiastically in the chair next to her grandmother’s bed, having listened to her drone on about the circumstances of her hospitalization. Applejack genuinely loved her grandmother, but this was just one of those times she simply wanted to cease her inane babbling with a forceful pillow to the face.
After a short silence, Granny spoke up again. “I don’t understand you. I really don’t.”
Applejack continued to sit silently as she had for the past hour (or two. Who could tell?). Maybe if she held out for just a little longer, Granny would finally talk herself out. It was a fool’s hope, but she refused to let go of it.
“You have nothing better to do at 3 o’clock in the afternoon?” Granny continued. “I go out for a quart of milk, and then I come home and find my granddaughter treating her body like it was an amusement park!”
Applejack gave an irritated side glance once again for the umpteenth time. “Granny…”
“Don’t give me ‘Granny’. It’s a good thing I didn’t hit the table, I could have cracked my head open!”
“Granny, other ponies can hear you!” Applejack whispered harshly, gesturing to the curtained-off bed behind her.
“…Too bad you can’t do that for a living.” Applejack threw her hooves up in defeat, and then buried her face in them. “You’d be very successful at it. You could sell out Canterlot Stadium! Thousands of ponies could watch you, and you could be a big star!!”
Applejack could take no more, and sprung up from her seat in frustration. “Awlright Granny, that’s enough!”
“I want you to see a psychiatrist.”
“No! Ah am not going to see a psychiatrist!”
“Why? Why not?! Why won’t you go?!” The elderly mare demanded.
“Because ah don’t want to!” She snipped back in a childish tone. Granny Smith folded her arms, maintaining her hard stare. Applejack did not budge. Suddenly, their intense mental battle was broken by the entrance of a yellow coated pony wearing a hat just like Applejack’s.
“Hey there, great Auntie!” Braeburn greeted warmly. His smile faded slightly upon seeing Granny’s sorry state. “Look at ya’! How’d this happen?”
Applejack cut in before her grandmother could. “Is that important, really?!” She angrily snapped. “What is this? A police investigation? The woman’s been through enough! She has to relive the experience now?!”
Behind the two younger Apples, a stallion-nurse had quietly entered the room holding a small basin of water. He proceeded to step through the curtain of the neighbouring bed to attend to the patient who—to Applejack—had the misfortune of having to share a room with Granny Smith. The nurse’s rugged good looks earned a quick glance from Applejack which went unnoticed.
“Hi, Power Jack. It’s 6:30, time for your sponge bath.” The nurse said, making his way behind the other pony’s bed.
The patient behind the curtain stirred slightly. “Damn, is it 6:30 already? Must have dozed off…”
While the patient did have the misfortune of sharing a hospital room with a loud, elderly mare, he did at least have the privilege of having his bed next to the window, which happened to provide an exquisite view of the sunset this time of day. It was a sunset that had no trouble piercing the relatively thin curtain, creating a perfect silhouette image on the other side. Applejack’s eyes shot open. She could only stare mesmerized, mouth agape, at what was suddenly the most interesting thing in Equestria.
“So, Applejack!” Braeburn chimed in. “What are ya’ up to these days? I heard ya’ got some telly-vision writin’ thing goin’ on with Rainbow Dash?”
“Tellyvision… Yeah…” She chuckled half-heartedly. Weeks earlier, She and Rainbow Dash had been approached by an executive of a very large broadcasting company known as EBC. Rainbow Dash’s comedy act had made the executive very interested in seeing what the two of them could come up with in the area of a pilot for a syndicated television series. Applejack and Rainbow had jumped at the offer, and had been brainstorming ideas ever since. All this wonderful news she could have shared with her cousin, had she not become very distracted by the sensual lathering that the shadow on the left was doing to the one on the right.
“Well it’s about time!” The happy cowpony continued on. “We never thought we’d see the day when an Apple would make it big on the tellyvision!”
Applejack didn’t respond. As with the big stallion across the street from Rainbow’s room, the scene taking place before her had sent her brain into a non-functional state.
“So… What is it yer’ doin’ exactly?” Braeburn asked, completely oblivious to what had his cousin practically drooling. Once again, she didn’t respond. The nurse on the other side wrung out the sponge before returning to his over-sensuous lather. A small trickle of blood made its way down Applejack’s nose.
Granny loudly broke the silence. “Applejack, your cousin Braeburn is talking to you.”
Applejack continued to ignore them.
“So when was the last time you had a good workout?” Rarity inquired as she continued her pre-workout stretches.
“Ah, it’s been awhile.” Twilight admitted while she signed herself in on the clipboard in front of her. While she wasn’t exactly unhealthy, being cooped up in a library for most of her life took a toll on Twilight’s physique. She did her best to maintain a healthy diet, but physical exercise was something that was practically alien to her.
“Are you ‘psyched’?” Rarity asked, hoping to raise her friend’s spirits.
It failed. “Yeah, I’m… really ‘psyched’.” Twilight deadpanned. She raised a mental eyebrow at Rarity’s strange choice of word.
“Well, I have a feeling you’re going to be thanking me for getting you in here.”
“Why’s that?”
Rarity pointed to the next room over. Twilight turned around and looked over through the window to see what she was gesturing at—or more accurately, who she was gesturing at.
It took a moment to register into Twilight’s mind. She turned back around and put a hoof to her chest, breath taken. “Oh goddess…!” She gasped, Rarity simply nodded knowingly. “Princess Luna…!”
“She’s going to be in your class tonight!” Rarity proudly stated.
“In my class?! Princess Luna is gonna be in my class?!” Twilight could barely contain herself.
“I can get you a spot right behind her. She has got a great flank!” The white unicorn stated as-a-matter-of-factly.
Twilight had never felt physical desire for any pony at all, but this… this was Princess Luna, Goddess of the Night! An evening of casual activity with one of the royal pony sisters, and a chance to admire physical beauty at its most perfect! Caught off guard by these strange, sudden thoughts, Twilight assured herself that her admiration of the beautiful body of a princess/immortal goddess was in no way unnatural, and that it was perfectly normal to simply appreciate one of the universe’s fine mysterie-
Twilight smiled stupidly. “Yeah. Flank. Flank. Great flank. Lulu’s flank.”
Rainbow Dash let out a small—but very clear moan as she pushed her tongue deeper into Soarin’s mouth all the while holding him tightly in a lustful and wanting embrace. Soarin simply returned the affection, though not necessarily to the same degree. As if realizing something was wrong, he broke off the kiss.
“What’s the matter?” Rainbow asked, doing her best not to show her incredible irritation. She was so close that she could taste it! Literally.
“Err… I don’t mean to make this awkward or anything,” he began, a bashful look on his face. “But… Ah…”
Yes…?
“D-do you have… uhm…” He stammered again nervously, giving a quick glance to either side of him.
Yes…?! YES?!
Rainbow was literally on the edge of her seat, leaning closer and closer to him, eyes growing wide in anticipation, and a gigantic grin forming. Condoms? Experience? A Flexible back?!
“Do you have any snacks around here? I… kind of ended up skipping dinner…” He admitted guiltily.
Rainbow’s face was locked in her moment of anticipation for a good several seconds before she got up from the couch. “Ah… Yeah.” She replied calmly. Maybe he just needed some food in preparation? Yeah, that had to be it. She hoped to the goddesses that after he was done eating, the next words out of his mouth would be ‘Well, that’s one of us stuffed.’
She went over to the kitchen counter and gave a quick scan of the counter top. She spotted a packet of Skittles she had bought earlier but had not gotten around to eating. “Here,” she said, picking up the small plastic package. “You can have these.” She tossed the package of colourful candies over to her boyfriend.
Soarin’s face brightened. “Oh sweet! Thanks!” He said, immediately ripping it open to devour the succulent, rainbow bounty within.
Rainbow flopped back down on the couch and could only stare in a mixture of amazement and heartbreak as Soarin absentmindedly chewed the artificially flavoured sugar. It may have just been in her head, but she could have sworn that he was deliberately eating them slowly, his mouth watering at tasting the sweet and delicious flavour of the rainbow. She shifted in her seat nervously and ruffled her wings that twitched ever-so-slightly.
He tore his attention away from the blank space he was staring off into, as if remembering something important. “Hey… We’re not moving too fast, are we? Are you… comfortable with the way things are with us right now?”
Every fiber in her being wanted to scream out at the stallion in front of her. To yell desperately that, No, things were not moving too fast and that he should throw her onto the bed and pound her into oblivion. But she didn’t say it. “Wha-? Oh! Of course I’m comfortable!” She lied through her teeth. “No, I’m just super-fantastically fine! I’m fine, I really am! I’m just so… so…” She took a sharp breath inwards. “I’m… Fine!”
Soarin was just a little taken aback by the frightening grin Rainbow was giving him, but accepted her answer nonetheless, taking another savoury mouthful of Skittles. Rainbow’s eye twitched slightly.
Taking a glance at the clock, Soarin sprung up from the couch. “Ah shit!” He exclaimed. “I lost track of time, I’m supposed to meet up with the boys for beer and pool in twenty minutes!” Once again, he failed to notice his girlfriend’s erratic eye muscles. “Sorry Dash, but I gotta take off. I’ll see you Saturday night though, right?”
Her reply was simply a violent series of head-nods. Her frightening grin and wide-eyed stare had returned. Soarin wished her a good night as he headed out the door.
“Not just a good night!” She called out to him in an overly friendly tone. “A great night!”
Mentally, Rainbow Dash shed a single tear.
Rainbow Dash did not sleep that night. She tossed and turned on her bed as if trying to find a comfortable position to sleep on a pile of bricks. Something felt wrong. Very wrong. The worst part was, she knew exactly what it was. She let out a heavy sigh as she mentally steeled herself to soldier through this moment of hardship. It would be getting a lot worse before it got better…
Applejack simply laid there, hooves behind her head, staring at her ceiling. Sleep wouldn’t be coming for her any time soon.
Twilight couldn’t understand what the problem was. She had slept in this bed since she first moved to Ponyville, so why was it so uncomfortable all of a sudden? It felt like something was bugging her… She just couldn’t tell what it was, though.
In the dead of night, Pinkie Pie dozed peacefully with a dopey smile on her face.
“Good moooorninng~!” Pinkie sang as she gracefully slid through the door. Rainbow was in the middle of preparing her breakfast. Her movements were sluggish and unenthusiastic in the light of a brand new day.
“Yeah, good morning…” She grumbled, adding milk to her bowl of Frosted Flakes.
Pinkie let out a hearty chuckle. “Nothin’ like some good, solid sack-time!”
“He’s not there.” Rainbow said, catching Pinkie’s intention before she even made it to the window. “He’s doing his laundry.”
“Oh.” The pink pony brushed off the minor disappointment with little trouble. “So… did you make it through the night?” She asked with a sly grin.
Rainbow Dash was silent for a moment, her frustrated and hard gaze unwavering. “Yes, I’m proud to say I did!”
“So you’re still mistress of your domain?”
“Yes I am!” Rainbow Dash’s voice was full of vigor and determination. “I am mistress of my domain!” She shot a quick gaze over to the window, and then back to Pinkie. “But I will tell you this;” She pointed her hoof in emphasis. “I am going over to his apartment and telling him to put those shades down!”
“W-w-w-wai-, W-what did you just say?!” Pinkie sputtered in disbelief.
“I can’t take it anymore!” The pegasus shouted in despair. “He’s driving me crazy! I can’t sleep, I can’t leave the house, when I’m here, I’m climbing the walls!” Rainbow continued pacing back and forth erratically. “Meanwhile I’m dating an idiot, I’m in this contest, something’s gotta give!”
Pinkie couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Her narrow eyes a clear indication as to how she felt about Rainbow’s plans. “Do you hear what you’re saying? Can you hear it?!”
Rainbow Dash didn’t want to hear it. She went for her scarf in preparation of leaving. Pinkie continued her verbal defense.
“This is a handsome stallion walking around with his beautiful Ursa Major hanging out, and you want to tell him to stop?! That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard!” Pinkie waved her hooves in the air. Rainbow had wrapped the scarf around her neck and began to head towards the door.
Pinkie stood in front of the door and refused to budge. “It’s incomprehensi- I’m not gonna let you do it.”
“Well, I’m doing it! Get out of my way!” Rainbow Dash tried to bulldoze her way through the party mare, but she was sturdier than she looked.
“No! You can’t! You can’t!” Pinkie pleaded, trying to hold back her friend with her hooves. “This is something that comes about once in a lifetime! When we were fillies looking through our bedroom windows, we would think ‘Why can’t there be a really big stallion right there flaunting his Celestia’s desire’, and now that wish has come true and you want to…”—she made a strange pthhhhb sound with her tongue and a waving gesture with her hoof—“throw it away?!”
Rainbow remained unmoved. “Look, I’m sorry-“
“I’m not gonna let you do it, Rainbow!”
“Pinkie, get out of my way!”
Pinkie’s pleading grew more desperate. “Don’t do it! Don’t do it! For my sake! Goddess knows I don’t ask you for much!” She was just one step away from getting down on her knees. “Please, Rainbow! I’m begging you, please! PLEASE!!”
Rainbow Dash stood still for a moment, silently contemplating. Her friend did provide for her when she needed help the most. Allowing her friend to sate her enormous sexual appetite at the cost of her own discomfort was the least she could do to repay her… Right…?
She begrudgingly began to take off her scarf. “Oh, alright…” She muttered, setting it back on the table.
“Yes! Thankyouthankyouthankyou!” Pinkie eagerly bounced across the room and took her regular spot by the window in fevered anticipation.
“He’s not there!” Rainbow irritably reminded her.
“Oh, I can wait.” Pinkie casually replied, making herself comfortable.
Applejack took a sip of water and set the glass back down on the table in front of her. Had the time not been before noon, she would have substituted it for hard whiskey instead.
“So the guy-nurse was givin’ him a sponge bath?” The blue pegasus mare across from her asked.
Applejack gave a small nod in affirmation. “Every night at 6:30.” Her face was stoic. “The nurse was gorgeous. Then ah got a look at the patient.” She let out a sad chuckle before putting a hoof to her head and massaging her temple. “Ah was goin’ nuts…”
Rainbow gave a small laugh of her own. “I guess you’ll be going back to that hospital.”
Applejack put on a face of mock-seriousness. “Well mah grandmother, Dash…”
Rainbow took a sip of her coffee. “But…” She began, putting the cup down. “Are you still the mistress of your domain?”
The earth pony smiled. “Ah am matriarch of the household.” She replied, brimming with confidence. “You?”
“Duchess of the manor.”
Twilight had entered the building and sat down at her friends’ booth next to Rainbow in one swift motion. She leaned forward, ready to share some incredibly important information. The other two followed suit in anticipation.
“Princess. Luna.” She simply said with a coy smile.
Rainbow made a confused glance over to Applejack. “What?”
“She was in my aerobics class.” Her teeth clenched together to suppress her excitement.
Rainbow raised an eyebrow, impressed. “Really? Did you talk to her?”
“No, you don’t understand. She was working out in front of me!” She said, emphasising the words like they were the greatest gift she had ever received. Even her eyes looked brighter when she looked back on it.
“So listen, after the class was over, I timed my walk to the door so we would get there at the exact same moment. Then she says to me ‘That was quite the exertion’.”
Applejack mused at the choice of words. “’Quite the exertion’? What did you say?”
“I said ‘Yeah!’” Her face was beaming.
“Good one.” The mare beside her sarcastically lauded.
“So then listen, listen…” She continued. “So I showered and all that, I saw her again on the way out. So we’re walking and talking, and she asks me my name, and I think I said Twilight, but who the hell knows?”
She took a deep breath, obviously still recovering from having it stolen from her the night before. “So then she says to me ‘Would’st thou like to accompany us on a journey uptown?’, and I said ‘Sure!’, even though I was going downtown!” The two listeners rolled their eyes in amusement.
“So, we’re walking uptown, and I have no idea where I’m going, right? But this is Princess Luna we’re talking about! Then she says to me ‘Where dost thou live?’, and I was close to your block,”—she gestured to Rainbow Dash—“So I said your place. We stopped in front and talked for a little longer, and when she left, I had to walk all the way back to the other side of town!” She laughed hysterically in recollection, and put a cool glass of water against her burning face.
Rainbow smiled warmly for her friend’s ‘accomplishment’. “But the question is; are you still the mistress of your domain?”
“I’m queen of the castle.” Twilight said smugly, popping a small hoof-full of breath mints into her mouth.
Applejack nearly tripped over herself trying to stop as she rushed into the hospital room. She let out a relieved sigh as she noticed the clock on the wall by the door read 6:25. She turned and gave her grandmother a stupidly awkward wave.
“You’re back.” Granny said, pleasantly surprised.
“Of course ah’m back! Why wouldn’t ah be back? Mah granny’s in the hospital and ahm gonna pay her a visit!” Applejack assured her, her cheerful tone trying very hard to mask her real intentions.
“I know, but two days in a row? You didn’t have to do this.” Granny bashfully insisted.
The sickeningly sweet tone of Applejack’s bullshit continued to pollute the air. “Your mah grandmother! What wouldn’t ah do for you?”
“You know what you could do? I haven’t eaten lunch or dinner. I can’t eat this hospital food. Maybe you could run down to the corner store and get me a sandwich?” The elderly mare’s eyes were full of hope.
“You got it, granny!” She remained still for a moment. “A little later.” She smiled and sat down next to her.
Granny Smith became worried. “Could you go now, Applejack? I’m very hungry, I’m weak.”
Applejack gave dismissive wave of her hoof. “Wait a little while granny, what’s the difference?” She turned her attention momentarily to the curtain next to her, her mouth salivating just a little.
“I don’t understand why you can’t do this for me!” Granny suddenly shouted, patience lost.
Once again, Applejack lied like the devil. Something she thought she would never be able to do. It was a wonder how her grandmother had not seen right through it. “Ah just got here, ah’d like to spend a little time with ya!”
“But if you wait, they won’t let you back in! Visiting hours are almost over!” Granny argued.
“Ten minutes!” Her granddaughter assured. “Here, have some Tic-Tacs.” She tossed a little container of breath mints onto the bed, attention still divided between the curtain and her grandmother.
“Get the hell outta here!” Granny huffed, disgusted with sickening offer. “I’m sorry you came!”
Right on time, the nurse entered with basin of water and a sponge floating inside. “6:30, time for your bath.” He said. As if on cue, the silhouette on the other side sat up groggily after waking up. The nurse immediately went to work lathering the patient’s back with the sponge. Applejack sat down with a dopey smile on her face, ready to enjoy the show.
Several moments passed. “Applejack…” Granny whined. “I’m hungry…!”
Applejack took Granny’s hoof and patted it reassuringly, her eyes still glued to the curtain. “Hang on, granny, hang on…”
Twilight took her time as she walked past the window, hoping to catch Princess Luna among those that were working out. Rarity was occupied folding and putting away laundry. She greeted her friend warmly, to which Twilight half-heartedly returned, still looking among the ponies.
“Did you get your mane done today?” Rarity inquired, pointing out Twilight’s styled mane.
Twilight’s attention snapped back to her friend. “No, I just… Fixed it a little bit…” She said, breathing into her hoof quickly to check if it there was any noticeable odour.
Rarity picked up on her friend’s spaced-out tone. “’You-know-who’ isn’t here today. She was in the early class.”
Twilight’s head drooped in disappointment as she let out a sigh in defeat. Rarity continued. “But I think you made quite the impression on her yesterday.”
Twilight’s ears perked up. “What?! What?! W-w-who? M-me?! I made an impression? What impression?!”
“Let me just put this back-” Rarity turned to place a stack of clothes on the counter behind her, but was quickly grabbed by Twilight’s magic and pulled towards her.
“No! NO! NOW! What did she say?!”
“She asked about you!” Rarity replied, suddenly very afraid for her safety.
Twilight squealed gleefully. “She asked about me?! Princess Luna asked about me?! What did she say?!!”
“She wanted to know your situation.” Rarity smiled, starting a new stack of folded laundry.
“My situation? I have a situation?!”
“I told her you were single. She said you were just her type.”
Twilight’s wide grin faltered slightly. This couldn’t be true. Surely Rarity was just yanking her around for kicks. Princess Luna said that she her type?! This was too good to be true!
“She also told me to tell you that she’ll be in your neighbourhood tomorrow around nine o’clock, so she’ll stop by your place if you want to say ‘hello’.”
Rarity once again placed the latest stack of laundry with the others behind her. When she returned, Twilight had melted to the ground, with a blissful expression on her face and hoof over her chest.
Rainbow Dash was relaxing on her couch; the sounds of cartoons from the television in front of her filled the room. Behind her, Pinkie was enjoying a very different kind of show. It was not child-friendly like the one Rainbow was watching, and it was certainly keeping her on the edge of her seat.
“Yeah mom, I’ll talk to you later.” Rainbow said into the phone in her hoof. “Nothin’, I’m uh… watching My Little Human here.” Her mother inquired about her strange choice of entertainment. “I like kids’ shows. They’re very innocent and of wholesome quality.” She assured. “Okay. Okay, I’ll talk to you later. Bye.” She set the phone back down on the receiver.
“Ooh! That’s good! That’s good! That’s very very good!”
Rainbow turned back in irritation as Pinkie was once again commentating—very loudly—on her perverted peep-show.
“Oh yeah, it’s hot in there, so just walk around… No no, don’t be ashamed! Don’t be ashamed… That’s good, yes yes yes…”
Rainbow returned her attention to the TV in front of her and focused on it with all her might, trying to tune out Pinkie’s stupid horny rambling. The pink pony was not making it easy. Rainbow desperately started to sing along with the music in the show to try and drown out the voice behind her.
“Auto tune-up! Auto tune-up!
So the car will run like new!
Auto tune-up! Auto tune-up!
And we’ll need insurance, too!”
Pinkie began singing as well, bastardizing the lyrics in her own sick, twisted ways.
“Big, big stallion! Big, big stallion!
He’s got really nice parts!
Big, big stallion! Big, big stallion!
He wins all the mares’ hearts!”
Rainbow continued to fight off Pinkie’s strange sexual powers the only way she could; by singing louder and angrier.
Once again, Applejack’s ceiling captured her attention. She let out another sigh as she braced herself for another sleepless night.
Rainbow tossed the blanket off herself in a fit. She wondered how much longer she was going to have to suffer through this damned contest. It did put her dependency on sexual relief into an eye-opening perspective, and the thought entered her that maybe she should find a different way to channel that energy into more productive ways…
No. Screw that. Her lack of sleep must be driving her insane.
Pinkie and Twilight snoozed peacefully as crickets chirped softly outside their windows.
Applejack slammed the cupboard closed in irritation. “All ya got is instant coffee?! Why don’tcha get some real coffee?” She bitterly went to work preparing what was bound to be a terrible cup of coffee.
“I don’t keep real coffee here, I get my coffee on the outside!” Rainbow retorted, just as grumpily.
The buzzer sounded. Rainbow stormed over to answer it. “Yeah?!” Acid dripped from her voice.
“It’s Twilight.” She sounded cheerful. It pissed Rainbow off.
“Come on up!!” Rainbow unlocked the door and made her way back over to the kitchen when she noticed Applejack was glaring at her hooves.
“Where’d ya get those socks?!” She demanded, pointing accusingly.
“I dunno.” Rainbow responded as if it were the stupidest question in the world.
“Ah think those are mah socks!”
“How are these your socks?!”
“Ah don’t know, but those are mah socks! Ah had four just like them with the blue stripe, and now ah don’t have ‘em anymore!” Her spiteful glare stabbing into Rainbow Dash’s as far it could go.
Rainbow’s eyes gave a hard roll. “Oh yeah, that’s right! You fell asleep one day on the sofa and I took ‘em right off your stinkin’ feet! They looked so good to me, I had to have ‘em!”
The two mares were screaming at each other at this point, each claiming ownership of the poorly stitched footwear. “Yeah, well they’re MAH SOCKS!”
“They’re MY SOCKS!”
After a moment of silence, the two friends realized what they had been fighting over. They admonished themselves for blowing their tops for such a trivial reason. Rainbow shook her head in disbelief. “I haven’t been myself, I’ve been snapping at everybody.”
Applejack felt just as guilty. “Me too, ahm yellin’ at strangers on the street!”
Slowly and wordlessly, Twilight stepped through the door and made her way over to her friends by the counter. She let out a weak “Hello…” before using her magic to open up the saddlebags she was wearing. She quietly levitated a small pouch of bits and set it down on the counter, right between her two stunned friends.
“You caved?!”
“It’s over?!”
“You’re out?!”
“Oh my goddess, the queen is dead…”
Twilight shifted uncomfortably with her gaze fixed on the ground. Applejack managed to pick up her jaw from off the ground. “Ah figured you cruise at least through the spring…”
“What happened?!”
Again, Twilight shifted around nervously and rubbed the back of her neck. “I-it was… ah… Lulu…”
Applejack and Rainbow were simultaneous in their response. “Aaaaaahhhh…. Lulu…” They both grimaced.
“But you made it through the day before!” Rainbow prodded.
“Yeah, but yesterday she told Rarity that she wants to meet me outside here at nine o’clock tonight!”
Rainbow raised an eyebrow in confusion. “Wait, why outside here?”
“Because she thinks I live here.” She reminded. “Remember when we walked together? This is where I stopped, and so she’s coming here!”
Rainbow turned her attention to Applejack, who was busy playing around with the pouch of money. “Alright, AJ… It’s you and me.” She challenged, full of confidence.
Applejack retorted with a playful knock on the pouch. “And then… there were two…”
Twilight had gone off in her own little world, sighing distantly. “Her Royal Highness… Princess Twilight Sparkle…”
The earth pony and pegasus shared a quizzical glance.
Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Soarin was finally getting into it. Rainbow Dash was locked in loving embrace by the ice-blue coated pegasus. He kissed the hungry mare deeply before momentarily breaking it off, his eyes still full of lust. “Hey…” He panted breathlessly. “Let’s take this into the bedroom…”
Rainbow’s eyes lit up like a foal being taken out for ice cream. “Really…?! You really want to?!” She grinned from ear to ear.
Soarin gave a loving nuzzle to her neck. “I do, I really want this.” He kissed her again. “…But you want it too… right?”
Rainbow gave an awkward laugh, the past few days were taking a heavy toll on her body and mind, though which one was taking the worst of it was still undetermined. “Oh…” She gave another chuckle. “You don’t know the half of it!”
Soarin shared in his girlfriend’s light-hearted humour, but didn’t know exactly where the joke was. “What do you mean?” He asked, his loving gaze withholding.
“Ah.” She began. “It’s kinda silly, actually…”
Twilight was waiting patiently outside of Sugar Cube Corner for her date to arrive. There was still no sign of Luna, though. It was chilly outside, but she kept herself warm with the thoughts of getting close with the Princess of the Night herself. Twilight Sparkle: prized pupil of Princess Celestia, and inseparable lover of Princess Luna. She let out another dreamy sigh at the thought.
“A contest?! You made a goddessdamn contest out of something like that?! This is what you do with your friends?!” Soarin spat out disbelievingly. He now stood a few steps away from the mare he had just been holding lovingly a few seconds ago, completely dumbfounded by his recent revelation.
Rainbow was tripping over herself trying to keep him from leaving. “I-i-it was just a bet!” She tried desperately to play it off as just ‘a funny story’. “It actually started out with Applejack and her grandmother-”
She had failed. Terribly.
Soarin nearly lost his lunch. “L-look! I don’t wanna hear any more! I can’t believe I nearly did it with a girl as fucked up as you! I must have been out of my mind!”
With that, he stormed out the door. Rainbow grimaced as it slammed shut. She stood around for a moment after throwing her hooves up in defeat. She had just lost the prized piece of meat she was gunning for.
Not knowing what to do now, she stood around for a few more seconds, rubbing the back of her neck. She took a quick glance behind her towards the window. Contemplating everything that had happened, she gave a despondent shrug as she waltzed over to it and took a seat, her eyes eager for a good show.
From the corner of her vision, Twilight saw Soarin walking by. He looked like he was in a huff.
“Soarin! Hey! Oh, I’m glad I ran into you-”
Soarin cut her off before she could finish, his voice laced with disgust. “I don’t want anything to do with you or your sick friends!”
Twilight took a step forward in surprise. “What are you-“
He jumped back from the unicorn. “Ah! Get away from me! You’re sick, all of you!” As fast as he could, he turned the opposite direction and ran. Twilight only looked on as he took off, her jaw slacked.
“What happened?” Twilight was starving for answers as soon as Rainbow had let her in.
“I told him about the contest.” She admitted with disappointment.
Twilight’s eyebrows raised in realization. “Ohhhh…” Her brow then furrowed. “Boy, he’s a pansy!” Her friend nodded in agreement.
Applejack walked in, her eyes immediately went to Twilight. “Hey, what happened?” She asked curiously.
“What?”
“Ah thought you were meeting Luna.”
Twilight’s posture slumped in disappointment. “She didn’t show…”
“Yeah, she did!”
The purple pony shot back up. “What, she’s out there?” She gave herself a quick once-over to make sure she was presentable to royalty. “Oh goddess, I gotta go-”
“Nonono, she just left.” Applejack clarified. “Yeah, she was out there talkin’ to Soarin.”
“Soarin?!” Rainbow couldn’t believe what she was hearing.
“Yeah, he looked like he had just seen a ghost or somethin’, and Luna was consolin’ him, I dunno.” She explained. “And then after a bit, they flew off.”
Twilight stared at Applejack as though she had just recited Starswirl’s Third Law of Magic Conservation by heart. “She left with Soarin, the virgin Wonderbolt…?!”
“Yeah.” AJ affirmed.
“…And they flew away…?” She winced. Rainbow Dash looked over behind her.
“Yeah, they flew away. Ah think they were headin-“
“Oh my GODDESS IN HEAVEN.”
Twilight and Applejack looked over to their friend, wondering what had caused the outburst. Rainbow Dash lumbered over to the window in disbelief, mouth agape. The two others followed and turned their attention to what she was looking at.
Twilight let out a gasp. “Is that…?!”
Applejack couldn’t see it at first, but she repositioned herself to get a better look into the big stallion’s apartment. Her reaction mimicked that of the two beside her. “Pinkie Pie?!”
The three mares continued to stare, jaws slacked, when suddenly their eye contact was returned. All three girls slowly and awkwardly waved back.
Twilight and Applejack lay motionless in their beds. Applejack—now being three hundred and fifty bits richer—intended to make up for plenty of lost time. Not a single day was to be missed.
Though Twilight was disappointed that she had missed her chance with royalty, she felt richer (figuratively speaking) for having taken part in—and losing—a competition that she should have had in the bag from the start. She had learned that overconfidence can be your undoing, and never to underestimate the mind-numbing powers of an Alicorn’s godly figure. It would make for a great letter to Princess Celestia.
Pinkie did not learn anything. She huddled closer to the large stallion that held her in a tight embrace. In the end, she figured the entire experience was well worth a hundred bits.
A very satisfied Soarin nuzzled the larger, midnight blue-coated mare that held him. He was still regaining his breath from his previous exertion. “Oh Luna…” He panted. “That was amazing…”
After what felt like the longest week of her life, Rainbow Dash finally curled up in her bed sheets, ready for a good night’s sleep. She would wake up in the morning feeling like a new mare. She let out a small sigh and hugged her pillow close as she began to drift off.
Looking back, Rainbow realized that she had actually learned something during the week of pent-up anger and forbidden release. She had learned that sometimes it’s best not to fight nature’s desires, or you could end up creating a lot of pain and frustration for yourself. She may have lost a hundred bits, but she had regained her self-satisfaction; something that she would never take for granted ever again.
THE END
