The noonday sun shines in through the kitchen window, casting a glorious beam of gold and white across your now clean lunch plate. You know, you never thought you’d get used to a mostly meatless diet but…nah, who are you kidding, you haven’t. That chicken you stole from Futtershy’s was perfect cooked up with a little paprika and garlic, the meat practically fell of the bone!

You let out a satisfied belch and pat your stomach contentedly.

Yep, not a bad way to spend a Sunday afternoon, all things considered. Besides, you roommate Twilight has even stayed out of your hair for a change, a welcome surprise. For the last month or so, she’s been intent on getting you to help her with her “science projects.”

These projects usually involve undressing, attaching electronic nodes to…places, or being unconscious while she does god knows what to you.

Every day it’s ‘oh Anon, would you be willing to eat this capsule? I promise it doesn’t do anything permanent that I know of.” or “Ok, if I were to inject you with this microbe, do you think you could sit still long enough for an X-ray?” or “Anon? Are you up for a little game of chutes and ladders, except instead of playing on a board I just attach these cables to your testicles and…”

You never have figured out what that one had to do with chutes and ladders in any way. Nor do you want to.

Yes, today is a welcome reprieve from her poking and prodding. The only thing that could possibly make it better would be some alone time in your room for a good solid wank. You do have a few dirty magazines you managed to take with you when you came here, some with very good looking (if not heavily airbrushed) girls, and some with even more…provocative pictures and stories.

As you consider this from the kitchen table in Twilight’s kitchen, it really seems like the only thing to do. Your mind made up, you rise, carefully dispose of Fluttershy’s chicken friend carcass and make your way to the modest chamber that is your room.

Just as you approach, you hear the odd sound of rustling and appreciative murmurs. For a moment, you freeze outside the room, just listening.

Oh god, someone’s in your room? Going through your stuff!

At first you think it might be that little twerp Spike. Last time you caught him in your room, he was sniffing your blankets and touching himself in…places. That time you’d walked in, locked eyes, and you’d both walked in different directions, never to speak of it again. Your sheets had been a light blue. You bleached them, and now you slept in white purity each night. You sometimes rebleached them, just in case he tried that again.

The idea of him doing it again makes you shudder a little, and you feel rage rising in your gut. You move once again to open the door, but stop when the sound of a female voice reaches your ears.

“Yes, very interesting…”

Oh god it’s Twilight.

You try to think what she’s doing. Has she stolen your clothes again and tried to cut tail holes in all of them so she can try them on? Is she organizing everything in your room alphabetically again? Always right to left, so at least your bed and bedside table were next to each other.

You take in a deep breath and let out a long sigh. If you go in, you have to interact with her. She’ll probably ask to do experiments on you. But the girl is between you and your pornography.

You know what you must do.

You take a deep breath, hold it this time, and throw the door open.

“Twilight, what are you…”

The words freeze in your throat.

There before you, sits Twilight fucking Sparkle, seated comfortably on the floor, smiling up at you absentmindedly. Around her, spread out in what looks like a geometrical pattern, is every last bit of pornography you own. You glance from it to her, then back again several times. She just continues to smile at you.

“Oh, hi there Anon,” she says brightly. “Nice day we’re hav-”

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?”

The words explode out of you. You make a running stride towards her, but she holds up a firm hoof for you to stop. Out of instinct you do, then you reconsider. What the fuck power does she have over you? This is your room! You again bolt towards her and your exposed collection, and you see her roll her eyes. With a warm glow of lilac, light envelops your body and her horn, and you find yourself paralyzed in place.

Oh…right. She has that power over you. Of course.

Unable to speak or move, you stare in horror and fury at the pony.

“As I was saying,” she continues. “Nice day we’re having, isn’t it?”

You try to respond that no, it’s not a nice fucking day, but all you can do is make a soft rumbling in the back of your throat, like a mentally handicapped cat. She nods, as if understanding what you said.

“Of course, of course,” she says. “Well, before I give you your power of voice back, allow me to explain.”

She stands, clears her throat, and begins.

“I was looking for you because I wanted to do a little anatomy experiment involving fire magic and human skin, but you weren’t here. I decided to find a place to hide to wait for you, that way I could just wait until you took your clothes off rather than asking you.”

Gee, thanks, really considerate Twilight.

“But when I went to hide under your bed, I saw a few…magazines under your mattress. When I took them out, I noticed that they were full of pictures of naked humans! Almost all female too, except for that one with all the really buff hairy males and really tiny skinny males with them.

Fucking hush about that one, Twilight, we don’t talk about that one!

“Anyway,” she continues. “I got to looking, and I’ve really learned a lot from these! I would say, though, some of these females look as though their mammies have been increased with magic. Do males prefer larger mammaries?”

Well, it depends. There are time when flat chests make a girl look more youthful, and pinching little tits is great. But if you want to really have fun, bigger boobs are more useful for taking your dick and putting it…

Wait, what the fuck, you’re not explaining this to her! Not that she can hear you anyway.

“So, it got me thinking,” she says. “There are some things in here that the females do with each other that seem really interesting. There are also some “tips” on what to do with the male anatomy, and I think I have some new experiments that I’d like to try.”

Her smile has changed now. It’s almost devious, almost scheming, and you don’t like the look of it. Experiments? Does she mean that she…

“You know,” she says lightly as she walks towards you. “I always wondered exactly how human anatomy tastes.”

Oh god, she does. She moves to the door and carefully shuts it, turning the latch to lock it. You’re definitely not going anywhere. Not that you’re sure you’d want to now. Maybe a pony blow job would be…

“And this magazine had a trick that involves using your teeth…I just hope I can bite hard enough for it to work.”

WHAT? What the fuck magazine said that?? That’s terrible advice, what the actual shit, that’s not how you suck dick! That’s how you bite it off! Wait…is…is Twilight going to bite your dick off? That’s a terrible experiment, she’s a shitty fucking scientist now that she became a Princess!

You’d tell her that, if you weren’t completely paralyzed. But you are. You’re completely fucked, probably literally. And not in the fun way.

Twilight removes your pants and pulls down your boxers. Your dick, which had been stiffening in a state of pre-wank as you thought about your afternoon’s activities, has been paralyzed at half mast. Twilight eyes it hungrily.

“Interesting,” she says. “I should really measure this, it seems a little small compared to the magazines.”

Oh come on, don’t add insult to injury!

She thinks about it, then shrugs.

“Maybe it would be more fun to measure it after. Nowthen, where was I.”

Her smile returns, and she moves her head closer to your dick, eyes practically flashing. You can see every single one of her teeth, gleaming and at the ready.

“I just have to remember to use all my teeth,” she says thoughtfully. “First the back, then the front. I’ll try a more flattening motion, as well as a cutting tearing chewing one. We’ll see what has the best results, don’t you think? You just stay put. I’ll work my magic.”

With that she makes a chomping motion with her teeth, then opens her jaws wide.

This is how it ends for you. This is how you get your dick mashed in giant fucking horse teeth. You can see the flats of her molars now, the soft pink of her tongue. You can see a jagged edge on one side, can see a slight misalignment where food and, perhaps skin may get stuck.

Today, you wanted to make sure your dick was satisfied. But instead, your dick is going to be used to satisfy someone else. “For science.”

You feel dizzy, woozy, and you can’t even sit down. You close your eyes as you see her move her mouth over your dick, and say a quick prayer to the penis gods that be. Make it swift. Make it painless. I’ll miss you, Mister Member, you were a good penis.

All at once, you hear a slam of a door down the hall, then the sound of erratic hoof-beats. It sounds like baby giraffe trying to run on a freshly waxed linoleum floor.

Then, from behind you, you hear the bang and crash of your bedroom door being completely torn from its hinges. Rending wood and metal squeal, and you jerk your head up to see Twilight standing in front of you, eyes wide and terrified.

You wish you could turn and look to see what has her so frightened. Maybe Spike is somehow here to rescue you, the little homo, or maybe someone has realized you’re here and…

“HELLO FRIENDS!”

…

That voice.

It can’t be.

“Um,” Twilight says quickly. “Hi there...uh...we’re kind of in the middle of something here, so could you-”

“DO YOU KNOW TENDIES.”

The pony is female alright, one you know, and sounds excited and angry and happy, all at once. It’s her natural state. Twilight blinks.

“Er, is there a pony named Tendies? If there is I haven’t-”

“I NEED TENDIES FOR EAT, I MUST FIND THEM NOW.”

“Ok, well-”

“HELP FIND TENDIES PRETTY PRETTY PRINCESS!”

What the fuck is even going on right now? Twilight looks equally confused, and you see her take a tentative step back, her horn still glowing to keep you trapped. If only you could turn over your shoulder to see this penis-savior's face. You suspect it looks genuinely stupid, but it would probably be quite beautiful to you right now.

“Look,” Twilight says slowly. “I’m not sure what you want, but I am in the middle of some magic experiments right now, but maybe after.”

“YOU HAVE MAGIC!” the voice rings out with all the delicacy and softness of a cement truck. “IF I TAKE MAGIC I CAN MAKE TENDIES!”

“But you’re already a unicorn, so…”

“MY HORN IS A DEAD LIGHTBULB!”

You hear a sound like someone hitting themselves in the face very hard, and behind it you can swear you hear a rattle, like a disconnected fuse.

“Well I-”

“I TAKE YOUR HORN AND MAKE TENDIES, THEN GIVE BACK OK.”

“Wait, what?”

“FOR TENDIEEEEEES!” comes a warbling battle shriek.

Without further explanation, a blur of sea-foam green flies past you and collides with a now squealing Twilight. She falls to the ground, the other pony on top of her, and you see the green snap grappling with her forehead, like she’s trying to tear Twilight’s horn off. You can also see the pony is drooling, flecks of it spattering Twilight's face and mane. The drool looks an odd shade of yellow-brown. Absolutely disgusting, but you'd expect nothing less.

You move your hand to your mouth to stifle a laugh and…

You move. YOU MOVE! You’re free!

In the commotion, Twilight must have stopped focussing on the spell! Now’s your chance!

You jerk your pants up from the floor and turn from the scene of the two ponies. You have to escape, get out of this place right the fuck now, before Twilight regains the upper hand! You dash out into the hallway, holding your pants up by the waist, and then make a skidding sprint towards the front door. From behind you, you can still hear the struggle, and the flutter and tearing of your pornography.

A pity, but it was all about making your dick happy anyway. And right now, a happy dick is a dick that’s far away from Twilight.

“I CAN BE TENDIE PRINCESS!” you hear the disjointed voice cry from behind you, followed by a scream.

Never in your life did you think you’d see the day you’d be saved from the worst blow job ever by Lyler. You’ll have to buy the kid a Cactus or something. Bitches love cactuses.

But that’s for later. Right now, it’s just about running, finding a place to hide, and waiting until it’s safe to get your things and leave this house forever. Maybe Fluttershy will take you in for a while. Well, assuming she hasn’t counted her chickens recently, of course.

-End-

Author's Note

Yeah. That's right. I did a Lyler Crossover. Wanna fight about it?

I hope not. I'm too drunk to fight. Enjoy.

-Pencil