A King's Vanity

Dear pink bedazzled diary, it’s been eight months since Twilight has forced me to write in you, six of those months I’ve been strung up in a cell like a puppet for a bug queen that got off on my pain then was nearly eaten alive by fire ants only for a riot to break out between the queen and another race of changelings which was only a cover for Twilight and Rainbow Dash to teleport me back to a camp on the outskirts of the Changeling prison. Shortly after, Celestia launched something from a trebuchet at the epicenter of the prison turning everything up to the camp into glass then I was then drugged and sent back to Canterlot thankfully an old friend was able to heal my wounds and replace my wings with brass lookalikes (hopefully this doesn’t turn me into a moving lightning rod) another thing that might be worth mentioning is while I was being tortured Fluttershy felt everything I was going through and fell into a coma, however when Luna went inside her mind she was able to see the glimpses of me getting my wings ripped off but it was the spire outside the cell window that gave them the location of where I was. Fluttershy woke up last week and now I find myself on a train being forced to go on another endeavor with the Six to meet Princess Cadenzia and Shining Armor at a place called the Crystal empire the knot in my stomach twists every time I look at Twilight… that can only mean she’s hiding something and the fact she brought her dragon assistant with her can only spell more trouble.

I close the diary and wrap it in leather bindings then slip it into my pack and walk out the bathroom to find everyone at the round table with an empty chair in front of Twilight, yet next to Fluttershy who still avoids eye contact with me every time we meet.

“So what do we do?” I growl putting my sunglasses back on.

“Just trust me” Twilight answers.

“FUCK THAT-” I shout slamming my hoof onto the table “-if there’s something you’re hiding by all fucking means tell us.

“I can’t!” Twilight growls “I promised Prin-“

“Yeahyeah you promised Princes Celestia you wouldn’t tell us about you secret assignment even though telling us might keep some of us from dying” I state.

“Never say die!” Fluttershy shouts slapping me on the shoulder… however given the force it was no less than a tap.

“Well, look who decided to show-” I laugh “-Hello Fluttercunt where were you when they decided to drag me out of my bar and force me on another one of your misadventures on Celestia’s orders?”

“Well to jog your memory, YOU are still under Celestia’s orders to find the other three elements of your emo element group so that means you are going to help us with this little problem or else we’ll have Celestia will have you sent to Tartarus to have a little fun in their staldingo parties. Plus since we’re no longer connected by your coltfriend’s spell I won’t need to worry about your well being if you die.”

A malicious smirk stretches across Fluttershy’s face; everyone stares at us waiting for the next move so I reach into my pack and take out a hunting knife stick out my tongue before they can react I plunge my tongue down to the hilt and rip my tongue in half. Rarity faints and falls on top of Spike while Dashie and Applejack jump across the table to take the knife but Twilight stops them, Fluttershy puts her hooves over her mouth as a stream of blood slides down her chin. Pinkie rushes to Fluttershy’s side just in time to see my tongue fuse back together.

“Gin may be crazy but he’s not stupid, we were all desperate enough to think that his spell could be undone with a different type of magic; desperate enough to forget there could’ve been a failsafe. Now he laughs at us by allowing the spell to act like my healing potion.”
Twilight walks up to Fluttershy tells her to open her mouth, Fluttershy swallows the blood and sticks out her tongue… everyone breaths easy when the see her tongue isn’t split.

Fluttershy’s posture returns to the timid animal whisperer. “How did you know-“

“Let’s just say our heat cycles are synched.”

I leave the car and walk to the bar; I pull out my stogie and light a cigar.

“You know that’s bad for you… right?” Spike states jumping on the stool to my left.

“After what I’ve been through, dying of lung cancer is a painless death” I answer slipping the stogie back into my pack

“Is that REAL leather?” Spike gasps.

“The benefits of having a fuck buddy who’s a mortician. “ I answer

“What’s an ‘eff’ buddy?”

“Someone who understands what it’s like to have urges society wants us to repress until the right moment.”

“I didn’t know Ponyville even had a… what’s it called?”

“Mortician… someone who prepares the recently dead for the sendoff their families wasted money on for ‘closure’ well when the stiff has a wake the family waits for the urn with the ashes to arrive so between that period of the funeral and the burning of the body, Nightshade makes a little extra money sending certain organs to those in need and when she heard that I smoke the same cigars she does, she wanted to send a little gift for the messy work I help her with even though I was no materialist.”

“Is that why she’s your ‘eff’ buddy?”

“No, she’s my fuck buddy because I showed her she didn’t need corpses for ‘recreation’ then when I came back from Canterlot she introduced me to her sister Mistletoe and before then I thought it was bad luck to separate twins. But something tells me that Twilight didn’t send you here too here about my misadventures”

“No I came here for my own reasons plus we never talked much after the Gala”
“You never thought that was a good thing? Besides the first month after I came back, you had your birthday and I was able to keep the promise I made to Spitfire. That was when I found out the spell could heal my injuries”

“You fought the Wonderbolts and won?” Spike scoffs.

“They only know one method of attack! Fly in a straight line then split off to do a pincer move, I saw the attack coming so I hovered above a tree line and flew up at the last second; making them crash into each other and gave Spitfire the opportunity to break my leg before knocking her out so when the bone reset I thought it was Gin’s way of telling me that even though Fluttershy was free from the spell, me and him weren’t”

“So when Fluttershy was in heat?”

“It confirmed my suspicions that we were still part of his plan b”

“How’d you deal with it? I’ve been through some of Twilight’s heats so I know firstclaw it’s not pretty”
The dragon shudders as I dump the cigar cinders into the ashtray.

“Twins, Spikey-“I chuckle “-twins”