Pat's Holiday Special

Paris, it can be easily described as elegant, historic, sophisticated, stylish, cultural, artistic and memorable for the ones who have ever had the chance to visit the city. It is a beautiful city of lights, parks, world famous buildings and monuments, fashion, cuisine, wonderful language, Haussman architecture lining wide avenues. Truly, it was a paradise on Earth...

Iowa, is one of the shittiest places all in the entirely of Earth...

No one dared to venture forth into the lands that is Iowa, for it literally is the worst place of all of Earth. Sadly, this is where the group all came together, because all the flight plans and motel rooms were cheaper here. They originally planned to go to Paris, but much to Pat’s dismay they became dirt poor from the Christmas shopping done earlier this December, so fuck it; Iowa it is, this is the place where they’ll dress up as Santa, and spread Christmas cheer for all of the kids... despite most of them being shit kids.

The peasants that reside within the lands of Iowa had never known what it felt like to experience joy, whimsy or happiness due to their shitty surroundings, but all of that would soon change, the group of knock off Santa’s thought.

“This place is shit.” Grey Knight angrily stated as he gestured around the group, and continued. “You’re all shit, this world is fucking shit, fuck everything…” Grey Knight complained as the roving horde of basement dwellers wandered aimlessly down the winding, chaotic, war-torn streets of Iowa; his full body of iron plate armour was painted in Christmas colours, although everyone suspects the paint is actually the blood of his enemies, but no one cared or dared to find out if it was true. Although Red was beginning to wonder where Seal disappeared to, as he never returned to the group after he went to get himself some tacos.

“Will you shut up?” Dan Grayson asked, his pale and tired face framed nicely by his black hair and weird black n’ blue sports jacket and jeans combo. He’d look kinda cool if it weren’t for the large cup o’ coffee in his mitten covered hands. “I’m trying to enjoy Christmas.” At this his jovial, dumb eyes were soon greeted by Grey Knight’s metal covered fists as he began to punch Danny Boi for no real reason.

Quite fortunate of him though as the poor boy has been saved by Mel, who managed to convince Grey Knight to stop wailing on him. The success of Dan's 'timely' rescue was done by bribing him with all the forums and meta fics that Mel could find for Grey to hate on.

Grey was pleased.

“Christmas is absolutely heretical you faggots!” Cried Anon the Fucking Faggot who was wearing a black suit with a red tie in the dead of a winter night. His sickly green, radioactively mutated body quivered with hate at the mere mention of the pagan festival. Normally everyone would be beating any sentient being that didn’t resemble a human, but no one seem to notice his quivering, featureless green skinned body.

“Jesus H. Christ this was a bad idea, eh.” Pat mumbled out, her soulless, orange eyes, straight black hair and pale lifeless skin conflicting with the weirdly bright and cheerful tight Santa costume she was wearing. She’d been trudging through snow at the front of the mentally challenged pack for what felt like hours, leading the small band of assholes while her co-conspirator kept slamming back shots of eggnog. Their faggotry was slowly getting on her nerves, tiring her out as she tries to keep her rage from violently exploding.

“I’ve seen, been a part of and suffered worse.” LoosePartyCannon countered, uncaring that he was slowly dying from frostbite and the empty void inside his soul that no amount of Christmas themed fast food crap and gin n’ eggnog shots could fill; his happy, pale and chubby face was the picture of contentedness but his vacant hazel eyes, beer and food stained blue hoodie and Christmas themed pants n’ shirt were a sign of drunken misery. “Atleast we have eachot-”

“We should’ve gone to Paris, they had a Star Trek convention going on there!” Redshirt whined cutting off Loose, his red Enterprise crew member costume stood out like a sore thumb and his nasally voice carried on for miles down the irradiated streets of the fetid hellscape they found themselves in. "William Shatner, Kate Mulgrew and Patrick Stewart was going to make an appearance at a panel!"

“Oh yeah, because Star Trek is something Christmas related; good idea Red, real fucking great idea.” Pipebom sarcastically remarked, clapping slowly and rolling his brown eyes. Despite hating the costume Loose had given him he still wore the large Santa costume and hat to keep his normal, sorta tallish white bread body from suffering frostbite, well, suffering from more frostbite. He lost feeling in toes hours ago.

“Tell me Mr. Pipebom, is it normal to be sarcastic to your friends on Christmas? I’m new to this heretical custom of yours.” Avi who also goes by the name Aviator asked the agitated Aussie, his jew locks, crazy beard, decrepit body and jewish orthodox robes making him look like a stereotypical shekel lovin’ Jew. Around his waist was a black belt gifted to him for mastering Jew Jitsu, pun intended.

“Yes, it’s a great Western tradition my yankee friend!” Mel, the supposed ‘War King’, answered with a large cheesy smile as he patted the scummy guy on the back. Mel was trying not to seem like an introvert, but his attempts to be a socialite was making him look like a creepy loser. He was wearing a large red and white hoodie, a red baseball cap and glasses that were slightly off center; despite this his unkempt black hair and weird half breed face made the Eurasian piece of trash look downright losery. In his Malaysian hand rested a vintage bottle of coke which he’d gotten illegally by selling the group’s only reindeer on the black market. Pat dearly misses her pet.

“God damn it guys, slow down!” Tux cried out as he ran through the snow to keep up; the rest of the gang had gone on ahead of him as he was late to the whole Christmas crusading thing. The ragged looking white boi was wearing a large pimp jacket coloured red with white fur lining it and a pair of black slacks and sandals. Due to the Christmas shopping he was too poor to afford real shoes; Although his rooting, black, bruised feet weren’t from frost bite but from the fact that he was a native Iowan, and like the rest of his forsaken ilk he was falling apart due to the extreme cold.

“Boy, the autism around here is running rampant.” Pipebom commented dryly as he looked at Loose who was eating an entire turkey dinner alone, tears running down his grease stained face. Pat and Danny once again began arguing about which nation is Best Korea, and Grey Knight began insulting everyone's shitty meta fics. Red kept to himself, but everyone was thinking about how he kept neglecting writing his space fic, also Mel was selling people’s property for carbonated beverages while Anon and Avi were jewing out in the corner of the shit stained street.

Pat ended her argument with Dan, her patience was wearing thin as everyone stopped walking, and were letting their autism overtake them once more. “Come on you fuckers, eh! We gotta keep walking! The kids need us, eh!~” Pat shouted with a mighty voice as the assembled mass of retardation marches on into the cold night.

“Forget those little shits, let them fend for themselves!” Grey demanded as he begrudgingly followed Pat’s lead into the blizzard surrounding them, as he nurtured his fiery rage he noticed that LPC was walking alongside Pat once more. Feeling the need to make sure the faggot doesn’t touch his waifu, Grey’s pace significantly increased.

After a few hours of wandering around the desolate streets in the cold in an attempt to spread the spirit of Christmas, which was a folly that almost resulted in all of their deaths, but fortune shined upon them as they came across refuge. The sight of the building caused most of the group to immediately move to get under shelter from the shitty weather.

“Fuck those kids, let the hypothermia set in for them.” Loose mumbled out through clattering teeth as he stole the lead from Pat, and taken the group toward what looks like to be a learning establishment of sorts, everyone else followed him. The group just kinda huddled close together to keep each somewhat warm, Red and Grey fought each other for the right to snuggle up against Pat. The two Jews pissed themselves to momentarily warm up, but soon regrets their decision as the piss starts to freeze onto their persons.

“What the fuck is this shit? This is a school right?” Anon rhetorically asks as he examines the massive, cartoonish looking building in front of him.

“Yes, behold the beauty of a proud, Iowa school!” Tux declared as he pointed at the school; at the same time one of his broken fingers snapped off at the bone and blew away in the breeze like the rest of the detritus littering the streets.

“Looks more like a modern art piece.” Dan replies, taking a sip of his shitty 145$ basic bitch coffee.

The school was weirdly pastel coloured, like the painters were high on acid or thought they were actually good at painting; and the building seemed to be much bigger then it should be and had two equally long sections of the horribly coloured building on either side. They had a massive statue dedicated to a horse god of some kind, and the kids that they could see were multi-coloured and had disturbingly long legs.

Their condition, the cause of this must have been the disease filled, pigment changing, brain ceasing Iowa water they drinked on a daily basis; We dared not touch the drinking fountains for we fear we too would become mutants such as them. Even Dan gave his coffee a look, before shrugging off his worries as he continued to sip out of it.

Pipe looked at the building, and back over to the blizzard behind him. He also noticed that the snow was piling on his shoulders and head. Shaking them off he spoke. “Let’s see, stay out here and die from the cold, or walk in there and interact with those disgusting pieces of crap...Tough choice.” Pipe pondered, being the first to actually voice the group’s intention.

“If I die here I’ll never get to re-watch Star Trek the motion picture!” Red exclaimed as he ran forward, but tripped over from his own nerdiness. In his panic the redshirt yelled out, “Scotty, give me strength to push on!” His desperate cry reached up towards the dark, grey cloudy sky, but his words betray him as in his mind he didn’t see his hero, but instead saw Pat’s sweet gam gams.

“Pat, guide me.” The Star Trek nerd whispered to himself before he began crawling over the knee deep snow towards the school entrance, the memory of Pat’s gigantic boobs drove him forward, the will to survive growing stronger and stronger.

Once again, Pat’s fun bags had saved the day. Everyone else was just kinda shuffling from feet to feet trying not to get aroused. Except for Knight, his hatred prevents him from truly feeling anything other than jealousy. LPC was already aroused so he didn’t really feel any different.

“I guess that punk ass putz decided our fate.” Aviator said with a shrug as he marched on to his destiny, following the trail that Red has started.

“Wait for me senpai!” Loose exclaimed as he charged onward to keep pace with the one he wants to stand beside with. His own desire pushes himself to continue ploughing the snow to the side clearing a trail for the rest of the party who followed the fat ass.

As they kicked open the glass doors to the disturbingly colourful, horse cult school they immediately felt the warmth from the school’s AC flow over us like a warm fart.

“Ah, nothing like that fart feeling.” Mel said to himself as he breathed in deep, the crap smelling air reminding him of his homeland.

“Shut up shitlord.” Grey Knight instructed, the snow melting off his armour from the boiling hate inside him. He grumbled to himself how his armour will begin to rust.

“Sinners, a mass of debauchery and gluttony, they be the ones that stand in our way?” A particularly annoyed individual asked as she kept her eyes locked onto a group of pigs in human skin. “Pathetic.” She uttered an insult as the oddly dressed group entered the ratherly warm building, with a plethora of technicolour kids watching them with interest and some in fear.

“Gee, and I thought the girls looked like a bunch of push overs…” A doltish woman said as she ate her cheap take out food.

“Hmm, if that is all this school can offer to challenge us, then this cloudy night will be done with faster than I previously thought.” The de facto leader of the trio snarkily stated. Once the hungry girl had her fill they slowly stepped out of the shadows. Suddenly the three violently struck a dramatic pose, frightening many of the students near them. They were lucky that they were not their targets.

“STEP”

None has spoken, but the single syllable word instead manifested itself into existence by the sheer will power of the trio. Those red dressed champions were unaware of the danger that lurked from afar.

Although the band of HaM members couldn’t see them, they all felt an unnatural sense of dread roll over them; despite the hideous children, symbols dedicated to heretical horses and the needlessly complex layout of the school, they pushed on deep into the bowels of the highschool/possible cult headquarters.

“Does this school seem… familiar to anyone?” Dan pondered, looking around like the waste of space he was. He was answered by a series of ‘nos’, ‘nope’ ‘eh’, 'ghobe' and ‘fuck you’.

“As long as this place isn’t going to kill us, I’m fine with staying with these gross, lovecraftian heretics.” Anon mumbled out, glaring at a gaggle of students they walked by.

Then the sound of music is heard further down the hall; Christmas music, or more like Christmas music that has been tampered by shitty remixes. Angered, they pursue this heresy to rectify it.

“The fuck kinda Christmas music is that, eh!?” Pat viciously screamed, she has taken back the lead by being the fastest runner of the group. Everyone lost sight of her as she taken a turn in the hall further down leaving everyone else in her wake. To the surprise of some she also had a crowbar in hand for some reason. No one knew when she had it, or how she hid it from them until now, but to the more perverse members of the group they could take a couple guesses where.

“We gonna fuck them up!” LPC declared, his drunken blood lust getting the better of him.

“Yes, let's violently rectify this heresy!” Grey agreed as everyone prepared to crash the school's party to make it better as they smashed open the gym doors.

They were quick to find the source the heresy, and despite everyone inside of the gym looking at them with shock, fear and annoyance from their abruptly loud entrance. oddly enough the gym full of students did not make an attempt to impede them from seeing through their objective, of which is sanctioned by his holiness.

“Out of the way, eh!” Pat yelled at a blue haired girl, who was the DJ of the school dance, and proceeded to violently shove her away from the sound system with her crowbar.

“Hey, what in the world are you doing to my rig?!” The apparent blue haired DJ shrieked, she looked to be pissed, but no one seem to pay her any amount of attention. Thus, she was swiftly and effectively ignored by the vulgar swines of HaM. Pat, not hearing the words of the DJ waved over Red, and told him to switch out the shitty Christmas music remix songs for something traditional.

“Now for some of that good Christmas music…” Red whispered to himself, almost sensually, as he began playing some normal, not retarded Christmas music that everyone starts jammin’ to. Pat gave him a soft punch to the shoulder in thanks.

“Aw yeah, this is my shit right here, eh~” Pat exclaims as she and a few of the guys from HaM start ‘dancing’ to the Xmas themed songs, looking like a bunch of hams flopping around on the dance floor.

“I would dance, but my legs are already rotting away into dust…” Tux said as he sat down next to a bunch of lepers who slowly shuffled away from the doomed man.

“Hey, Loose! Let’s get fuckin’ smashed!” Pipe ordered as he and LPC went off to go spike the punch and make that particular Christmas Eve one to regret.

“These absolutely heretical jackasses are already ruining the night…” Anon muttered as he facepalm loudly, his gross, slimy hand impacted with his face with a bone shattering force.

“Cheer up my fellow Jew! As long as we’re here we’ll make tonight less horrid!” Avi exclaimed loudly as he and his fellow cultist began dancing like a bunch of Jewish dumbasses.

The group had placed their most seasoned, war tested veteran music space man on the set. Many of their ‘honourable’, santa garb wearing members had claimed the dance floor intent on busting out their special moves, like the losers they were; and those who didn’t went over to the punch table to lounge on it coolly… And also spike the punch with some hardcore, Australian whiskey and Eurasian liquid fire. The night quickly devolved into a burning train wreck. The perfect night for the members of HaM.

“And then I said...I said...I said ‘your story is bad and you should feel bad!’ Heh, that pissed off that prick…” Grey Knight boasted loudly, slurring over his words as he continued to drink the tainted punch through his helmet's eye hole.

“Dude, that was my story…” Dan replied as he looked at Grey Knight with a hurt, teary eyed expression. The armoured jackass silently stared at Dan for a few moments before he laughed loudly at Dan’s face, his spiked punch spluttering out of his helmet’s eye holes every so often.

“Well, I’m sure he meant it anyway.” Mel stated as he continued to down his Malaysian swill that reeked of durain and poverty along with some unknown disease.

“Hey, watch this!” LPC ordered from the edge of the gym’s stage, preparing to jump as Pipe cheered him on.

“Don’t do it!” Red begged, fearing he’d break his back or the sound system.

“Don’t fucking tell me what to do Red! Go fuck yourself!” He vulgarly replied as he jumped off the stage and fell onto a snack table, breaking one of his arms on impact.

“Gah fuck! Red, help me!” Loose pathetically requested as he rolled off the table, and cried on the floor while Pipebom laughed his ass off, which he then helped him up.

Through the absent minded mingling with the corrupted, horse worshiping, green skinned, blue haired and long legged masses of prepubescent, hell spawn kids they learnt that these satanic, Iowa natives had been in contact with an dimensional being that fought a demoness intent on enslaving the world and then later fought off three witches through the power of song and dance…

They knew straight away that not Christmas, nor the one true religion could save these heretics…

Only fire could cleanse them off their sins.

“You fuckin’ Chaos loving freaks!” Grey screamed as he smashed a beer bottle on the punch table and moved to glass some yellow skinned, pink haired girl that was shaking like a lil’ bitch. But before they could commence with the ritualistic slaughter of Xeno-god worshippers, three flamboyant, bright haired, weirdly techno coloured skin freaks slithered out of the shadows like a trio of fishes. They were accompined by what they could discern was Islamic and broken English techno.

Ayaehyaeh YAAAIIIYAIIIIIII eEEEEEEEEeeeEEEEE!

NANAnainana

C'mon (yeah!). C'mon. Yeah!

NANaynainainnana

C'mon (yeah!). C'mon.

NAIANAYANAAAH

C'mon, c'mon~

The trio of girls struck a dramatic and terrifying pose; a pose that the Santa's couldn’t help but think these three were fashion models from the 80’s coming back from the dead to seek vengeance on the bastards that killed radio.

“The fuck? Can I troll them?” Grey asked quizzically as he just stopped himself from nearly murdering the yellow woman, who is currently having a panic attack and was being dragged away by her pink skinned friend.

“Huh, I wonder if I could sell more of my friend’s shit for pepsi to these freaks…” Mel mindlessly mumbled.

“This is going to get ugly…” Danny boi said aloud as they began advancing on the assembled freaks, looking like creeps as they do so.

“I wonder if they’re Jewish?” Avi asked the only other spiritually pure person there.

“Nope, they’re too heretical.” Anon the Fuck Face answered, angrily shaking his gross orcish green fist at the girls.

“I can’t afford to lose anymore of my body or face.” Tux stated as pieces of his face, mostly his nose, started to disintegrate.

“I wonder if they too hate Jar Jar Abrams like I do?!” Red nerd-raged at the sight of a pack of people also dressed like 80’s trash.

“No one likes Star Trek you soulless ginger.” Pipebom sneered out as he continued to get drunker.

“Eh, this don’t look good, eh!” Pat exclaimed, her plot sense shot through her mind as her sweater muffins jiggled suggestively much to Grey’s and Red’s pleasure, telling her most of them were probably about to get hurt BADLY.

Loose was passed out over the punch table with his ass in the air, which was twitching, and mumbling something about how fucking stupid the Australian government is and how great animu is.

None of them were prepared for what is to come during the exchange between the two groups...

The story shall continue whenever I get around to it, and it will hopefully be finished before mid January eh!

I also like to thank LoosePartyCannon, as this would never be delivered on time without him helping me out with this, eh. Thanks bruh, eh,