Pat's Holiday Special

“Remember guys; break formation, lose hope, leave friends behind, get backed into corners and don’t check your surroundings! That’s how we’ll win! And ALWAYS never reload unless your in battle!” cried a particularly gung ho member of HaM, named Dopebear, who had somehow sneaked an assault rifle filled with brass, and a bandoleer full of grenades into the cult school.

“Sounds like a plan the God Emperor himself would have devised.” Grey Knight said encouragingly. Despite being in the military he’s totally cool with the battle plan as he breaks a mirror, and takes a shard as a makeshift knife, a shiv if you will, and shields his gay lover Red with his burly, sweaty body.

“This is so bloody stupid! Why?!” Dan yelled as took his position while he shakes furiously; whether the shaking was from fear or the coffee no one could tell. No one could ever tell.

Twilight, being the unofficial Commissar of the group, performs a Jotaro pose as she points towards the exit of the bathroom, instinctively sparking the Warhammer 40K nerds to fall in line. “Onwards to victory! Glory to the first man to die- I mean to victory, yeah!” At this, all the santas had ran towards the exit as some of them were bumping into each other, pushing one another, punching and kicking to make way, swearing and shit as they all try to get out of bathroom at once.

“Last Jew standing gets the shekels!” Avi joyously decreeded as he and Anon went to face the end.

Iron is the first to take a step out into the battlefield, and throws LPC’s head at Adagio, a few flakes of dyed hair and muscle flying off. “This is for Pat!” he goes to yell, but he stops himself, shocked to see that the Ultimate Being now has her fellow Pillar Man rip off; Aria, with her now.

“Oh fuckin’ damnit!” Mel and Pipebom cried simultaneously as they realized how screwed they were. Dropbear is quick to join them. “Good, more enemies to kill!“ The Australian yells as he shoots blanks out of his machine gun at the two Dazzlings, and is immediately killed by Adagio as she strikes a new pose directed at him. Like Tux, be turns into a large, bloody pile but does not transcend to a higher state of being.

“I vote we switch sides or run for the hills like the babbies we are!” Declares Alex as he craps himself on the spot, and instantly loses his morale as he spots Sunset and the other colorful girls running further down the hall, away from the battle.

“NO! FOR THE EMPERAH DAMMIT!” Grey Knight cries as he charges the two Sirens, but was bitched slapped by Adagio, flies and crashes into a wall of lockers.

“M-My love, are you alright?” Red asks as he cradles his taller, bulker boyfriend.

“I’m more than alright babe…” Grey replied as he placed a hand on Red's cheek.

“Run for your lives!” Volk screams as he runs away, but is struck down by the irritated Aria as she simply threw a locker door at the back of his head; killing him instantly. He will not be missed.

“Well, we’re boned.”  Paddle states as he slowly retreats back into the bathroom, leaving all of his ‘friends’ behind as he cowers with The Boss who is currently fucking Pat’s mouth, which is still warm. He then proceeds to whip out his phone, and watches Octavia porn.

“MEH LEGS!” Mel, the duck fucker, cried as he cradles his legs.

“Welcome to the club shithead!” Pip yelled angrily, LPC’s face leading him to victory as he hopped onward to war using his other leg as a baton and improvised cane.

“My Jew Jitsu is doing nothing!” Anon said, scared for once in his life as Adagio grabbed his left leg and bent it backwards at an unnatural angle.

Then out of nowhere a man bursted from the ceiling, a cloud of dust and dry semen filled the air, obscuring the man. Red was the closest to the man, squinting his shit eyes he could make out a man who looks to be wearing what looks to be a Stahlhelm helmet, used by the Germans during world war 2! “Who is this mysterious figure!?” Said the redshirt as he stumbled to his feet, and looked at awe as the man slowly stood tall, as he did so he could swear he heard the man was emitting what sounds to be German propaganda.

“Anyone else hear some cool, bomb ass German music?” Mel asked everyone assembled, though they mostly ignored him.

Der Mensch ist böse

Der Mensch muss besser und böser werden

So lehre ich

Auch den Guten steht ein Edler im Weg~

“ADAGIO!” The man yelled out, as he gave out a sick pose directly at the monster of a woman. “I’m going to be your last opponent!”

“What the hell is going on now? Aren’t there already too many OP things in this room?” Dan the gruel destroyer questioned as he devoured his empty cup of coffee.

“Mah fuckin’ legs mang...Mah legs…” Anon muttered, bloody oozing from his stump leg; the blood loss made him hallucinate and for a moment he believed he wasn’t a faggot.

The orange haired shehulk sharply glared at the new comer, ignoring the idiocy of the others around her. “Hmph, no man is a match for me!” She says as she took a step back just before the man who was blotted out by dust could land a kick on her.

“Oh really?” The man wearing the German helmet said amusement, then he yelled out.  “Ffffffffool!” He stood at attention and giving out a Nazi salute. As the dust began to settle everyone could see faint outlines of a manic grin plastered on his face. “HaM science is the best in the world! I was rebuilt to surpass you, and Kars- I mean Adagio.”

“This feels contrived as all fuck... Who even is that?” Avi asked, breaking character by swearing.

The man continued to speak as he calmly took off his helmet, holding it out in his right hand. “I have calculated that shredding your body may be enough to stop you!” He then effortlessly crushed the helmet in his hand. “I’ll tear you to pieces like I would pluck a chicken! OI RED!” He then spun around and whipped the broken helmet at the star trek nurd, whilst still keeping up posing like badass.

“Ow!” Said nurd was unprepared as he was hit by broken steel.

“My Husbando!...I mean, get up!” Grey ordered as he stopped himself from showing weakness to the others.

“T-this doesn't fit into any of my metafics!” Warking shouted out is surprise as he frantically checked his lifelines for any reasons or sense.

“Don’t pity me for my new body!” The mysterious man then pulled out a lengthy ammo belt out of the back his German trench coat. “My body is the peak, the pride of Aryan- I mean HaM’s science!” He then began to do an epic spin as he placed the end of the ammo belt under the coat of his torso, said ammo belt whipping all around him. “A true ubermensch!” He then froze as he posed; pointing his chest towards Adagio, placing both hands behind his head, and widening the width between his legs with his knees bent slightly.

“I’m not even gonna fucking comment son…” Chrome said as he shook his head at the ludicrous display of WW2 era cybernetics.

Suddenly, a golden barrel popped out of his chest, ripping his clothing. “This heavy machine gun can fire 600 rounds per minute through a 30mm armor plate! Each bullet will tear off a piece of you body!” The mysterious Nazi yelled out psychotically, just then a ridiculous looking scope popped out of the gun up to his face. “Feel the wrath of the Fatherland!” Just then a shit ton of bullets started to shoot out of the golden torso cannon towards Adagio, who then proceeded to pose which somehow deflected the bullets away from her, and back towards some of the members of HaM. "Take this, KARS!"

Everyone can now see that the Nazi, was actually Tux! Their fallen comrade!

“Jesus Fuck!” Danny boi cursed loudly as he jumped out of the way of a few large, rapid bullets that almost tore straight through his arms.

“Come at me!” Grey ordered as he used his massive armour and moved to protect his geeky boy toi, but suddenly the man then fell over dead from getting shot through the chest.

“WHY, HOW DO YOU HAVE A MACHINE GUN IN YOUR TORSO!?” Red yelled out, finally getting a visual on the man’s face as the blast wave from the chest cannon blew remaining dust clouds away from the machine man. Red was frothing at the mouth at the sight of something he doesn’t understand, like how did Tux come back from death.

“I don’t wanna die!” Red pleaded as he cowered in fear, praying to Picard, but then his head explodes as a bullet shot through it.

“H-heh...W-well I’ll b...Be damned...You...You fucking putz managed to outlive me?...Tell the Nazis in wherever they are I said hi…” Anon joked as he coughed up a large, sticky pool of blood. Despite his athletic form the broken legs, bullets and  blood loss were too much…

“No! Not you my friend!” Avi wailed in despair as he held onto the bloodied form of his friend and glared at the nazi. “Tux, your kind took my father, my mother, my second daughter twice removed, my house, my respect and admiration for German food and now my lov-friend?!” He yelled, unleashing the inner Jewish beast. “I’ll fuckin’ kill you!” He screamed as he grabbed a hold of a loose brick that had fallen from the ceiling and charged at the mechanical man. Almost reluctantly with a hint of regret, Tux turned around with a twirl and did another sick pose, he then opened fire on his old friend. The Nazi reborn shed a manly GERMAN tear as he watched Avi fall to the ground next to Anon.

“You were a good man...Shame you were a Jew.” He said simply as he turned back to the real enemy.

“So not only did you die, but you came back as a Nazi and killed our two Jewish… Friends? Allies? Bankers? Scapegoats? Bulletsponges?...Our two disposable shields? That’s low…” Mel said as he crossed his arms and scanned the ubermensch.

“Now is not the time to be angry at me… it’s time to be very afraid.” He said darkly with a smile as he sized up Adagio and reloaded, ignoring the multiple friends he’s injured and killed. He then fired the gun once more, but it then jammed up. Tux lost his confidence as he scrambled to get the shitty surplus bullets out of the chamber. He should’ve switched to his Military Grade Rounds rather than use 70 year old ammunition.

Adagio smirked at this,

it was all over for the pig sows.

“I am SO out of-” But before Dan could finish his sentence, Adagio narrowed her eyes and bared down on him. A series of punches, kicks, poses and theme songs assaulted him from every angle. In the end he was nothing more than a broken, discarded husk bleeding black coffee.

“You’ll pay for that Fotze!” Tux warned, mad that one of the few people he could tolerant was dead. Now with his shinny, expensive bullets loaded he took aim once more and fired. A few shots nicked her but due to her overwhelming speed and virosity he mostly damaged the building, bystanders and his own allies.

“Gah fuck my kidney!” Pipebom yelled in pain and anger as he keeled over from the sheer pain. Remarkably a bullet bounced off a large piece of rubber, a brick, Adagio’s fat ass, LPC’s head and hit home in a light fixture causing the massive light to disconnect from the ceiling and crash onto Pipbom, killing him and the memories of Loose instantly.

“Hah, is that all you’ve got?!” Adagio taunted as Tux smouldered intensely with pure malice as he began reloading his chest gun.

“You... You think you can beat me?! I was created to destroy you! I am the harbinger of your destruction! I am a machine GOD! I am…” Mid rant, Tux stopped talking, went dead eyed, shut his eyes, hunched over and made a faint whirring noise as his gears and muscles stopped moving. He was hastily built by the Nazis and they’d forgotten to make him power efficient, he’d run outta juice mid reload and now he was clinically brain dead and no more threatening than PipeBom. Shrugging, Adagio turned away from the toppled over pile of scrap and tried to find where the girls had run off to.

“Should we, I don’t know, do something?” Big buff Rarity ponders as she looked back at the carnage, the rest of the girls heard her, but continued to slink away - leaving the man children behind to their doom.

“No…Let them fight…” Twilight sagely advised, ignoring the rapidly failing offensive. Although it goes against everything they believed, the rest of the girls couldn’t find it within themselves to save a bunch of mutants from certain doom.

“I’m glad those disgusting Santa freaks for getting what they deserve…” Bacon hair stated as she kicked Kelly away from her feet, he flew back towards the bathroom entrance. She watched Aria drag him into the Male bathroom kicking and screaming with an evil grin on her face.

They continued to run in silence, and quickly came across a battle between Sonata and Other Twilight, and it looks as though they’re in a stalemate with Sonata being exhausted from using most of her magic for her SUPERIOR poses, and Other Twilight not quite in shape to keep up with a she hulk. Knowing that they had no time to lose as the santas could only stall the other two Dazzlings, they all simultaneously attacked Sonata. Outnumbered, the lone dazzling was quick to succumb to the overwhelming might that is friendship.

With no time to get a reprieve, suddenly a body flew over to the girls, surprisingly the santa dude is still alive as he bleeds out on the floor.

“Master Librarian, I have failed you... and Christmas…” Warking murmured out as he tried to stop the blood from flowing out of his left stump with the papers from HaM's metafics. None of the girls made a move to help the mutant, and instead prepared themselves for the coming battle.

“Honestly, these sub-humans may be kind of fun to kill but you could have at least tried.” Aria criticized as she crushed Handy’s head between her powerful thighs.

“Hey, it’s not our fault these basement dwelling monsters had a death wish!” AppleJack countered, kicking Waking’s hand away from her, not wishing to contract autism from the HaM mutant.

“Kind of heartless to just leave a bunch of babbies to just die, wouldn’t you agree?” Adagio questioned with a comically large smirk as she wiped Kabar's blood off her weird 80’s clothes.

“They were working for the monster in disguised that is worshiped by all in this world; Santa, nothing was lost.”  Sunset replies as she strikes a defensive pose, but is prepared to strike an attack pose at any moment.

“Not that it matters anymore I suppose, they are super dead now.” Sonata slurs out as she tries to stop the blood flowing from the open wound on her forehead. Other Twilight then proceeds to strike her with a hamon attack, knocking Sonata out.

“HEY! That was my favorite punching bag you just K.O’ed!” Aria screamed out in anger. Suddenly and without warning, launches herself at the nearest individual to her that is not her leader: Fluttershy, and roundhouse kicks her. Fluttershy was too slow to defend herself, and is sent flying. A few flecks of blood spraying all about in the air as she flew.

Immediately, AJ and RD dash forward in tandem. They strike a powerful pose that dazzles the Dazzlings before they step back, and propel themselves forward and let loose a volley of punches. Aria may have been fast, but she couldn’t block the blindingly fast athlete’s and brawny farmer’s blows at the same time, and was soon losing all her strength to the duo’s blows.

“We got her no-” Rainbow’s bragging was cut short however as Adagio crept up on them, turned Dash around and elbowed her in the throat before kneeing her in the stomach and pushing her away from the fight. As AJ turned around to fight the Ultimate Being, Aria regained her composure and grabbed Jack’s arms; this allowed Adagio to start whaling on her, her merciless strikes quickly damaging her face, chest and stomach.

Just as both Dazzlings finished off with AJ, they made a move to strike Rarity, but before they could Pony-Human Twilight shouted “ENOUGH!”, her voice drowning out the sounds of battle as she seemed to radiate a manly sense of power, her aura would’ve made the HaM Santas super jealous and sad if they were around and alive. Despite only standing still and glaring at the two Sirens, everyone who remained conscious and most importantly; alive, knew something devastating was about to happen.

The two sirens, after looking away from the glaring princess turned muscleman, smirked at each other and ran straight towards Twilight, intending to finish the fight before it began. The two much rather use physical attacks, this was the beginning of their downfall.

Just as Sunset and the remaining girls were about to stand in the way, they saw something amazingly bizarre: Twilight’s shadow began moving! Before the two Siren’s fists could meet Twilight’s muscular face, a large, furry purple hoof came out of nowhere and blocked their attacks, before two more knocked both of them back.

Twilight was caught off guard that she felt the effects of blocking the siren’s attacks, apparently she can feel whatever her stand interacting with. Her fear is that she could also feel her stand’s pain. She has to work quick or her advantageous standing may be turned against her, as she’s not very adept with her powers, which she appropriately named it as a Stand.

She presses forward.

“Through the power of love, friendship and harmony I WILL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!” Twilight declares as her friends cheer and the now conscious, but badly injured Principles cry proud tears. Both of them have heard of the fabled Stands, but never have they known that one of their ‘students’ would discover it in their time of need. From her shadow sprang the her as a normal, six feet tall purple alicorn in full regalia.

Now, with her form fully revealed once more she mentally commanded her Stand to charge horn first into battle on wings of fury.

As the two Sirens staggered up unto their feet they were once more caught off guard. They were unable to prepare themselves a defense from a fuzzy pair of hooves to strike their faces and stomachs causing them to once again keel over in pain. Refusing to let up on her brutal barrage, Twilight’s Stand continued to lash out with her fore hooves, kicking Adagio all the way down the lengthy hallway into a wall of lockers, leaving a massive indent in the wall.

Surprised, Aria turned back to look at her fallen co-conspirator, Twilight’s Stand picked her up with her front hooves, flapped as high as she could in the hallway and slammed down into the tiled hallway HARD, crushing Aria under the sheer weight of the pony princess Stand.

As Aria tried to raise herself from the ground, Twilight’s Stand bucked her head back into the ground with a loud, ringing WHACK. After dealing with the purple menace, Twilight glared heroically at Adagio.

Her Stand galloped queerly down the hallway as Adagio climbed out of the small indent in the lockers that sharply resembles her, self preservation kicked in, and tried to run away from the all powerful Stand. Instead, it descended upon the little, orange haired bitch and grabbed her. Almost like an incantation performed by Chaos loving Iowans, it began to exclaim “ORAORAORAORAORA” repeatedly as it grabbed Adagio’s fuzzy head in one hoof and mercilessly smashed her face in with the other hoof, shattered her nose, cheeks, jaw and teeth quickly.

Basically, her whole face is a mess.

After a few minutes Twilight ended the vicious beating suddenly. But, as Adagio began to fade into unconsciousness or death, Twilight’s stand picked her up over her horned head and slammed her back onto her left fore hoof, shattering her upper spine with the entirety of her neck, and instantly causing her to finally die.

Dropping the now limp body of Adagio, Twilight’s Stand calmly approached Twilight and faded away; with her equally muscular and beautiful shadow back Twilight turned back and basked in the respect and admiration being given by the small gang of side characters who are currently slowly losing their manly bodies as the magic within them began to fade.

“Wow Twilight, you really proved once again that Friendship always overcome evil!” Sunset declared as she approached Twilight for a manly hug with what remained of her muscles.

“And isn’t that what Christmas is really about Sunset Shimmer?” Twilight replies as the unrealistically muscular woman hugged the less muscular, but still powerful, woman.

“Looks like you once again saved our school Twilight, how can my sister and I ever thank you?” The Deputy Principal asked as she slowly walked over, looking in awe at the towering hunks of a pony turned women.

“Stop worshiping Santa Claus.” Twilight demanded as she pointed a muscled finger at the older woman.

“I’ll try Twilight, I really will.” Luna lied through her teeth just as Twilight heroically turned away from the two sisters, and the main six.

“So, what’s next?” Sunset asked as she followed the still bulky princess down the hallway, one that was a battlefield minutes earlier.

Before Twilight replied she stepped over a little mountain of bodies that belonged to the vile mutants. “There’s still a great evil out there Sunset, I can feel it, and I will find…” Twilight vowed, knowing her adventure wasn’t yet over.

“Santa?” Sunset inquired, a sinister glint in her eye.

“Possibly, I feel something pulling onto me from the North-” Twilight’s sentence was interrupted as Sunset kicked behind her knee, caught by surprise the lavender girl was easily knocked down to the floor.

“Sunset, why?” She asked in anguish as Sunset stood tall above her, glaring with a psychotic grin slowly appearing on her lips.

“Ha, you thought you were my best friend, but no! It was he; Dio!” The traitorous asshole declared with a triumphant smirk as she ran away like the prick she truly was.

“SSSSUUUUNSSSSEEEET!” Twilight screamed in righteous anger into the heavens above.