Pat's Holiday Special

“Fuckin’ leg it!” Pipebom yelled as he whacked LPC with his dismembered leg, egging him on to keep running towards the exit of the gym. Loose was getting tired super fast from carrying the fat piece of shit.

“Eh, keep movin’!” Pat, the waffling loser, screeched like a banshee to the people waaay behind her as Red weeped, a stream of snot and blood running out of his nose. A battered, and angry Grey knight carried him on his muscular shoulders.

“Oh man, oh man oh lordy lord!” Danny wailed out like a woman from the 50’s while he injected a cappuccino into his bloodstream, though he has no blood, only coffee.

“Anon, my love, I don’t want to die!” Avi the cock sucker stated as he stumbled over his skinny Jew legs while Anon bitterly ran with him.

“All this shit’s absolutely heretical.” Anon declared as he caught up with da group.

“So many regrets, so many hand cramps…” Loose, the loosest cannon, whispered as he flash backed to all the sad, self lovin’ sessions he performed alone in the shower with a bottle of rum in one hand and his shlong in the other, and his mother on the mind… so many regrets...

Grey, being one of the few ‘sane’ people of the group saw a perfect hideout for him to hide; the bathroom. Without a word he charged towards the shitroom, and with a wrrry he slammed it open and ran inside. His loud actions have caught the attention of the people behind him including the colourful ladies who chose to remain silent as they ran. All except for Pat who ran waaay ahead of everyone else.

“My arrogant, Emprah hating brothers! Sanctuary!” Poking his armoured head out, Grey announced as the pack of sweaty man children swarmed him like the Tyranids he dreamed of one day fighting, and will continue to be a dream.

“All for one!” Mel shouted above the rest as he pushed past Chrome, LPC/Pip, Warkin and Danny boi.

“You lousy cunt!” L to the P to the motherfuckin’ C and PippyBom boi the third exclaimed in unison, their innate Australian senses syncing up their minds.

“Guys! We’re almost… Eh?...” Pat mumbled as she slowly stopped running, turned around and saw the shit heads storming into the toilets. In a mad dash she tried to catch up, but noticed the room they were entering. “SUNNADA BEEETCH!”

THE MEN’S ROOM~!

Surely, no girl, not even the very manly, possibly futa, Adagio would enter the men’s bathroom…. well, that’s totally a real thing and not a theory Red came up with on the spot.

Pat was left outside of the safe room with a very dangerous Adagio; she’s so screwed. Leaving women and children behind to die is a HaM tradition. Perfect, just as planned.

“Ah shitstorm… eh.” Pat said in defeat as she saw a monstar’s shadow slowly appear onto the wall, and door in front of her.

“Well...Well...Well… Seems your cowardly friends have abandoned you...How fun.” Adagio whispered with malice and glee in equal measures. Pat started to cry, memories of her husbando and babby in mind. She turned around to take one last look at the Kars ripoff, if only to tick off her murderer.

“Wow… It smells like shit in here…” Chrome proclaimed as Anon picked up a rotten turd and hucked it at the silver haired dweeb.

“You smell like shit!” Avi howled in laughter as the green crap slid down the back of Chrom’s head.

“Guardsmen! The enemy is at our door!” Grey said as he tried to rally the demoralized and waifu lacking crew.

“Yeah, no shit big g-” Warking was interrupted however, when Grey used Red as a club and beated him up severely.

“As I was quoting badly...The enemy is at our door! We know our duty and we will do it!”

“No...No we won’t…” Dan mumbled before Grey gave him a fuckin’ evil look.

“We fight for our honour! As HaM members, as shitposters and we fight in the name of the Emperor!” Grey declared as he raised an iron plated fist into the air… After a few moments Red clapped supportively, all the while the rest of HaM went back to groveling on the shit stained floor. “We are SPESS MEHREENS!”

“...No, we’re a bunch of basement dwellers and a disturbingly muscular man in armour cowering in a loo; we should probably do more than just sit here while waiting for natural decay to take effect…” Pip said aloud, drawing the ire of Grey, the ass master. With those words, the rest room became eerily silent as everyone began planning about how to win the day.

Although the beaten Main Six doesn’t seem to mind the men’s bathroom as much as most other women, probably because they’re more concerned about the painful headache they have rather than the smell of shit, the scent of sweet and sour semen, and aroma of salty piss lingering in the air… and it could also be the fact that the Main Six and Sunset were part man now.

Not after two minutes of the guys sitting around; Pat screams of pain and agony was suddenly heard just outside of the bathroom, most of the men tried to ignore it, ashamed for forgetting their mascot.

“M-Mah waifu…” Red whispered, ashamed of himself while Grey shook slightly.

“Fuckin’ hell…” Chrome swore, unable to block out the sounds of one of his frie… acquaintances in pain.

“God damn it, this is triggering my ‘Nam flashbacks…” LPC said to himself as he began looking off into the distance, Pat’s screams reminding him of that Vietnam village… so many women and children… so many assholes were laid in ruins that day.

“This is going from bad to shit-tier quick, we gotta do something you idiots!” Dan shouted as he wiped the urine off his coffee cup lid.

“I’m all ears.” Pip sarcastically said, not expecting anything good.

“Okai, here me out… What if… We hire a bunch of Japanese assassins-” Mel started seriously.

“No, those fashion models are too strong for assassins, even the chink versions.” Anon racistly countered as Mel went quiet.

Although the Main Six are slowly starting to get worried about her well being out there, but chose not to comment on it. They realise they don’t overly care for these subhumans anywhore. As the assorted members of the Main six laid on the horribly stained tile floor- the honourable and kind hearted male members of HaM sat on the crusty ass toilets or, if they were desperate, they’d sit in the syringe filled urinals. They rather not sit on the ice cold floor, they rather keep their asses warm on recently sat on toilet seats and pissed in urinals.

With nothing better to do, other members began brainstorming ways they could save themselves and not have everyone die horribly. LPC, looking up from the toilet bowl he was sitting on, suggested they should just make a mad dash for the exit and hope it goes well.

“-And then we make a break for Rio and met up in a year’s time with new faces and names!” He finished, huffing loudly as people either nodded in approval or raised their left eyebrows.

“I mean, it’s not a bad idea… But we’ll all die aside from you, Grey, Red and Pipbom…” Avi argued reasonably.

“I’m willing to risk it, sorry guys but I gotta live for the next ST movie.” Red said with a half hearted shrug.

“If you die tonight then it’s because the Emperor wills it…” Grey stated as he hid his gross anime-esque blush from Red. Secretly, Grey just wanted to leave with Red riding on his shoulders into the sunset.

“As long as me and Loose make it out, I’m peachy.” PipBom said uncaringly.

“No...It’s my destiny to defeat the evil plaguing this school…” Some random 14 year old with edgy white hair, red eyes, 30 belts weighing him down and a large black trench coat and fedora adorned announced dramatically. One of the guys suffering from special snowflake, a serious disease affecting billions of bad OCs, believes he can somehow save the day and screams something generic/pretentious about morality and destiny and runs out of the shit stained, dimly lit room… And immediately dies as Adagio breaks his neck the second he took a step outside.

“Boy, that was cringey... Anyway...No. I’m not dying tonight. Here’s my idea!” John Hood, the corporate, industrial and revolutionary monster - then suggests  as he stepped out of a tiolet stall. His suggestion was quite simple; and that they wait it out in the safety of the bathroom, and almost everyone kinda wants to, but do they want to stay in the bathroom for the rest of their lives?

No, they had their cool shit back home waiting for them to return to them.

“Man, I left all my food at home! And my autoblow! Soon we’ll have to resort to cannibalism to sate our needs...” Iron, the other member of HaM - then starts to freak out about how hungry he is, and how they’ll have to eat each other to survive. Soon the other members namely; Sheogorath, Eagle, The Boss began to join in his madness. Surprisingly, some of the rest of the more prominent members of HaM who did not come on the Christmas Crusading are also in the bathroom, for some reason.

“Ew... Are we in the men’s room?” Apple Jack questioned aloud as she slowly woke up; FlutterStutter tried to say yes but she merely cried and mumbled.

As the Main six started to finally recover, with Pinkie Pie and AppleYak along with Rainbow Dash slowly turning back to normal.

“DUDES, STOP LOOKING AT MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” RD the roid taking mutant demanded angrily as she broke a stall door in half, revealing Dropbear who was takin’ a wicked shit inside.  The girls tried to ignore the cannibalistic stares they were getting from the creepy losers. They started asking why the fuck they were hiding in a crap, piss and less mensional fluids stained hell-esque room instead of doing something. The answer is that they’re scared losers, and they don’t want to die.

“Seriously, this is about as bad as my Brother’s room after a bad night of smoking weed and playing CoD.” Other Twilight announced as she remembered her disgrace of a brother.

“WE JUST DON’T WANNA DIE OKAI?!” Howled Dan the coffee addict.

Slowly, Sunset gets up and walks over to one of them. She puts her battle ready fists on his shoulders(almost dislocating his babby bones), looks the quivering manchild dead in the eyes and says with a confident voice…

“Stand up and walk like an a Egyptian.”

That one guy, who we all know as Terran, now has regained his fortitude and was about to start a real speech that would’ve inspired everyone to kick that manly girl’s ass outside of the room, but is quickly cut off by Pat's screams turning into silence, then the sounds of bones snapping were heard… Terran is once again scared like a little babby…

“No... not our cheerleader!” Chrome wailed in disbelief.

“Now who will write her metafic; School Days?!” Red questioned, but only God knew.

Finally mentally snapping, LPC became the man he once was during ‘Nam; A monster.

“GGGGGAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! GUNNERY SERGEANT LOOSE CANNON REPORTING FOR DUTY! WE’RE GONNA FUCKIN’ KILL AND RAPE THOSE VIETGONG BASTARDS AND THEIR MANLY WOMEN! AAAHHHHHH!” He roared furiously, smearing his face in camo then ripped off his tear stained shirt and ran into battle blindly, holding a rifle he got from…somewhere and depositing Pipbomb onto Anon’s broken back.

The assorted bunch of chuckle fucks can hear the sounds of a very one sided battle rage on outside. Bullets were fired, punches were announced and racist Cold War era insults were said... Silence reigned supreme within the bathroom as the door is kicked open, Adagio gave a shit eating grin at the shitlords and others, and threw Pat’s and LPC’s head onto the shitty floor; mentally scarring Redshirt, Grey Knight, The Boss and Iron Galley as they see their waifu super dead/dying in front of them.

“I think I’m gonna die, Eh…” Pat sputtered out faintly, smiling at her friends as the light in her heretical eyes slowly fades away. “my time is now, you can't see me for my time is now…” She muttered, quoting the hero of our time. “Don’t do it for me you shit lords, do it for...AMERICA…” She says quoting another hero despite being from South Korea and is French Canadian trash. With her last breath, Pat’s decapitated head whispers its final words through the magic of plot convenience.

Greatly angered, and saddened, after gently placing Pat's head onto the floor they all stood up at the same time, and in unison they fortified their minds as they tried to make themselves want to take righteous vengeance for Pat against the Ultimate Being... but they’re still super scared like little babbies. Iron already shat himself, and Red is close to killing himself at that point.

“T-This is it Smoothy, this is my time to die...” Loose, the dying cannon said to his best friend/guy to bug with shit stories. “Just know that our time together... was amazing... Please, honour my memory…” He requested with a smile as Pip held onto his decapitated head like that shitty clone kid did at the end of Star Wars 2: The Cloneaning.  LPC’s last words slowly became a string of memes and Australian slang that mean nothing to anyone other than Pip. The snowman lover nods solemnly in understanding.

Breaking, Iron eyes LPC’s head with a hungry glint in his beady little eyes. His little gaggle of cannibals soon look over Pat’s head too, but Redshirt being the dumb shitlord he is, protects the decapitated head from their predatory eyes.

“N-No you bakas! You can’t have her! I’m gonna preserve her head in a jar and clone her!” Red nasally whines as Grey nods his head, and raises a thumb in agreement.

Nodding to each other, the band of man eaters descend upon Red, after quickly kicking his stomach and punching his face as they stole Pat’s head into nearest toilet booth they could find and locked the door. Grey made no effort to prevent this, as he's still recovering from the battle just minutes ago. Iron gasped and groaned as he felt that Pat’s mouth was still warm, and thus it was turned into a stress relief toy. Meanwhile, as per his wishes, Pip is carving off LPC’s face and turning it into a mask so he can honour his memories wastelander style.

“Wow, what a fuckin’ powerful display of bullshit…” Chrome said with sheer reverence.

“We’re all gonna die, aren’t we?” Avi rhetorically asked.

“Yes my enemy, yes…” Warking the anti-semitic said as he patted him on the shoulder.

Finally tired of the rampant autistic displays around her, Sunset and her gang of Stardust Crusaders and now ‘normal’ mutant girls stood, they were not prepared to face Adagio, but they vowed to avenge the deaths of their teachers and ‘friends/canon fodder/borderline criminals.

“Alright you losers, listen up!” Sunset tries to get their attention, but all she received was Grey’s hate, LPC’s creepy smiling face and Pip’s soulless eyes behind them, a squirt of something from the locked stall, a gust of wind filled with Tux’s remains, a blast of coffee and a few of her coins being stolen by the Jews and Mel. Chrome was the only one who tried to pay attention.

With the santas falling into madness, Rarity then suggested to the girls that they use them as cover or as distraction as they exit the room.

“It’s the only way, the sacrifice must be made…” Pinkie darkly mumbled as she prepared to honor her god: Corn.

The rest of the girls coldly agree to sacrificing the band of Santa rejects/proto-humans/mutants for the good of the human race.

OG Twilight poses super good as she speaks to the proto-humans. “Warriors of Christmas, if we are to gain victory against the Pillar Men rip offs, then we need you to assist us in the coming battle.”

“Who the fuck said that dumb shit?!” Warking screamed from the booth as the door creaked open slightly and all turned to look.

The remaining santas being super dumb, look over to the one who makes everyone feel inadequate as men, and actually begin to regain their sanity as she continues, “I’m not gonna lie, some of you may die… well, most of you.” She says as she looks over to Pat’s ravaged mouth, and LPC’s half eaten head and missing face.

“But, you are needed once more, to battle the demons and Monstars that threaten to destroy what you swore to defend; Christmas!” Although her choice of words are not exactly worded very well or inspiring or is true for every HaM member, she’s starting to feel mentally exhausted.

For some dumb reason the men of HaM are regaining their morale from this… this commissar. “I don’t have much of a plan for you, but if all goes well then we’ll become victorious tonight and forever!” The santas cheer, despite them clearly going back to fight that monstar, the one they ran away from to avoid death.

“FOR DA EMPERAH N’ PAT!” Grey yelled triumphantly, raising Pat's crowbar into the air.

“We can do it bois! With the power of Christmas behind us, we can’t lose!” One of the least mentally challenged member of HaM, Chrome, declared as he stood up and began clapping off beat to Twilight’s terrible rally cry.

The Main Six and Sunset are super relieved to have some help/canon fodder; Other Twilight then positions the Santas in a single group near the door.

The girls, although they should feel like shit after what they went through, are now feeling up to the coming battle or escape, it all really depends how things go outside. Even the muscleless Rainbow Dash seems pretty hyped to get a chance to kick some ass again, whilst her fellow ‘normals’ Applejack and Pinkie Pie were busy recovering. Hoping that the spirit of Christmas and the magic of Friendship will grant them their glorious bodies, so that they can again fight the Dazzlings without the fear of getting killed off.

Despite the meat shields in front of them, Flutters was busy being super scurred.

Surprisingly Sunset seems to be a bit happy knowing that the Santas will get killed as she finds the whole Santa concept too creepy to fuck.

“My god what have I signed up for…” Red quietly asked himself as he snapped back to reality, of there goes gravity.