A Friendship For a Cold Heart: A Chance to Start Again

(Protagonist P.O.V.)

I love Sundays. I don't have to go to school, what means I don't have to wake up early, I don't have to do a lot of work I don't wanna do, and specially, I don't have to see other people. This is what makes a day perfect to me: being by myself. Why?

I have my reasons to avoid social contact. The kind of reasons that people call "trauma", but simply "reason" is better to me. When you say you have a trauma, it looks like something you can't control. But when you have a reason, it seems a lot more rational. I'm not traumatized. I just don't wanna be hurt again. Am I wrong for trying not to suffer?

Other people tell me I should give another chance to friendship. I gave more chances, plenty of times, but it all fell apart, again and again. And as time passed by, I realized I wasn't suffering anymore, even when everything went wrong, but I also didn't want to try again. I became cold. I stopped feeling sadness, but I stopped feeling happiness. I left behind my worries because I lost hope. I don't know if that's good or bad, but I don't dare try to change it.

But unfortunately, nothing lasts forever. Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow I'll have to face other people around me, and nothing can change that.

My thoughts are cut by noises and laughs coming from the street. I look through the window and see kids happily playing with each other, without a care in the world.

I miss the time when I was little. I was happy like that too. I didn't understand a lot of things, but most of them were worth not knowing.

When you grow up, you can be whatever you want. You have freedom to make your own choices, but that's not always a good thing. Making choices isn't just about what you want: you gotta know if it's worth, if it's going to bring bad results, if it's going to hurt others... The latter is probably the one that people couldn't care less.

When we are little, we have to live under the control of who takes care of us. Our freedom is limited, because we don't know which ways are the best yet. We make mistakes, for innocence. But, once we grow up, we have the capability to choose consciously. We know what our actions can lead to. It's up to us to follow the way we think it's the best.

But, sometimes, the right ways don't bring benefits as much as the wrong ones. That's why many people decide to forget what's right to reach their purposes, ignoring honesty, justice, loyalty, and putting aside the ones who surround them. Many people don't think about anyone but themselves. I feel so sorry for them... I wish I could change their minds. But why would anyone listen to me?

By the way, I'm no better than them. My loneliness is turning me into something awful. When I watch people being like that, selfish, dishonest, insensitive, I feel the urge to do something to help them to open their eyes, to stop them from turning the world into something so cruel. But I know I'm not superior just because I don't do what they do: I feel eager to help them, to try to make them see the consequences of their actions, but I don't do anything. I'm selfish too.

This is what happens to you when you are a person who wishes to change the world into something beautiful, when your own life is an endless pit of loneliness and bitterness.

I don't know if I still have hope to find somebody really good in this world. Somebody I could put my trust on and never be afraid of being abandoned. Somebody who I could share a true friendship with, if it still exists.

I don't think so. No, it's hopeless... But it doesn't matter now. I've been alone for two years now. No problem to go on like that. Building up a impossible hope will only bring more deceptions. I better accept my reality. I don't have friends, I'm not going to have, and the ones I had, were never true. But what can I do? Nothing's perfect. But it didn't need to be so bad...