Chapter 2: What the fuck, Pinkie?!
“So let me see if I’ve got this right,” Phil said as he strolled down the hall with Pinkie Pie and his friends. “We’re in a place called Canterlot, which is in an even bigger place called Equestria.”
“Pretty much,” Pinkie replied, leading the others as she walked. “How did you guys get here, anyway?”
“Honestly, I was hoping you could tell me.” Phil rubbed his eye with his palm, trying both to wake up and soothe his throbbing headache. “Maybe if we figured out how we got so wasted last night we’d be able to put the pieces together.”
Pinkie Pie gasped. “Do you think you guys were put under some kind of spell?”
“Come on,” Stu interjected. “You don’t really believe in that stuff do you?”
“I do,” Alan spoke up, raising his hand. “I’ve been put under a spell before. It was quite the traumatic experience, actually.”
“You’re not talking about that time you got a cramp in the pool, are you?”
“There was a witch at that pool! I could have drowned if it weren’t for that nice lady pulling me off her child.”
“Maaaaaaybe we should go see the princesses,” Pinkie interrupted before they went off track any further. “Actually, they’re right up this way! Last one there is a grumpy alligator!” Pinkie Pie then took off running as the three men watched on for a second before sprinting to keep up. After a long hallway run with a sharp turn, they ended back up at a pair of regal doors. “Princess Celestiaaaaaa! Princess Lunaaaa! I think they’re over this way.”
Stu grew a lump in his throat knowing full well what was ahead, but continued behind Pinkie until they ended up in a room with a black alicorn playing her 3DS as the taller white one watched over her shoulder.
“Why do you have a Luvdisk in your party?” the white one asked.
“I’m trying to evolve it into an Alomamola.”
“I--ughh… I’m done with you.”
“Do you think it’s one of those trade evolutions? I already tried giving it a water stone.”
“Just go back to wonder trade. See if you can get a Mewtwo out of it or--” Just then, the elder mare looked up to see Pinkie and the guys all standing by the doorway. “Hey, look who it is! The wolfpack is finally awake!”
“Wolfpack?” Phil asked quietly, looking over at Stu who shrugged in return.
“I’m surprised you guys even woke up after that crazy night last night,” Luna said.
“Right, right,” Phil said with a chuckle. “Speaking of last night, could you tell us--”
“They don’t remember anything from last night,” the pink mare interrupted. Phil put his palm to his face, shaking his head in embarrassment.
Luna and Celestia exchanged looks between each other before looking back at the gang with shocked expressions. “You serious?” Celestia asked, but Phil’s expression told her everything she needed to know. “It was so crazy! You guys came in with a bag full of money and just went wild! You were saying you were some wolfpack that stuck together to ravage the land!”
The wolfpack then exchanged looks again before Stu spoke up and said, “I’m sorry, but did you say money? What do you mean money? I wish I could pull out my wallet and see if my credit cards are still there, but in case you didn't notice, I’m not even wearing any fucking pants!”
“Oh, we noticed!” Luna said as she shared a long-winded laugh with her sister. “You came in like that.”
“You said you wanted to show off your new cutie mark,” Celestia added, hiding another chuckle.
“What the hell is a cutie mark?!” Stu shouted.
“I’m guessing it’s that cute little tramp stamp you’ve got,” Phil said, now beginning to hide his own laughter.
“Yeah,” Stu started, trying to calm himself down a little, “but how did I get it?”
Pinkie Pie suddenly jumped into the air, waving her hoof around and shouting, “Oo! Oo! I know! Pick me!”
“Stu, can I pick?” Alan asked. “I’m really good at picking.” Stu then nonchalantly gestured to the pink mare, no longer caring what happened anymore. “I pick Pinkie Pie.”
“Oh! You got it when we were on tour with Countess Coloratura!”
“With who?” Stu asked, and suddenly all three ponies’ jaws dropped in unison.
Celestia and Luna then turned to each other. “Dude, these guys got messed up last night.”
“Totally messed up.”
“Listen,” Phil interrupted. “Can someone just take us to see her? I feel like we’re not really getting anywhere here.”
“Sure!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Lucky for you three, I know just where to find her!”
As soon as Pinkie’s back was turned, though, Stu placed a hand on Phil’s shoulder and whispered, “Are you sure this is a good idea? Leaving the only place we’re even remotely familiar with to go out into this backwards horse world.”
“You want your pants back, don’t you?” Phil replied quietly with a smile. “Maybe this way we can work backwards, find out what happened last night and get the hell outta here. You got any better plans?” With Stu’s silence telling him everything he needed to hear, Phil said, “Miss Pinkie Pie, we would love for you to show us this Countess pony.”
***
Alan, Stu and Phil followed Pinkie Pie through the hustle and bustle of the Canterlot streets, eliciting obvious stares and gasps coming from the passerby ponies. Phil and Stu did their best to ignore the attention, occasionally adding a smile and polite wave whenever they felt too awkward not to, but Alan walked glaring at all of them, making them look away again.
“Hey, Phil!” Alan whispered loudly, tapping Phil aggressively on the shoulder. “Can we get out of here? I don’t want to sound racist, but all these colors are starting to hurt my eyes.”
“Listen,” he responded as calmly and quietly as he could, “we’ll get back home as soon as we can, but first we gotta find out how we got here in the first place, alright?”
There was a long pause, but as Phil walked, he could still feel Alan’s uncomfortable presence behind him.
“This isn’t my satchel.”
Phil looked back to see the man-purse Alan was carrying and quickly shrugged it off. “How is it not your satchel? It looks exactly like the one you brought to Vegas. Plus I don’t think they sell anything here that isn’t covered in flowers or rainbows.”
“But I don’t have my prescriptions in here. It’s just a bunch of arcade tokens.”
“What? Gimme that.” Phil turned back to Alan and snatched the satchel off of his shoulders, but once he looked inside, his eyes went wide. He stopped in his place, looking into the bag filled to the brim with gold coins. “Holy shit, Alan! Where did you find these?!”
“I don’t know! I told you. That’s not my satchel!”
“What is it?” Stu said, looking over Phil’s shoulder and gasping in shock. “Oh, my god! Ohhhh, my god! Alan, where did you get this?!”
“It was just in the hotel room in that creepy castle. I thought it was mine, but when I looked inside, all my prescriptions were gone.” Upon giving the satchel another look over, however, he found something that made him tilt his head in curiosity. “Huh. This can't be right. It has my name on it.”
Suddenly, Phil and Stu both stopped in front of him, making him stumble in his place before gazing up at the giant stadium that towered over their heads. “We’re heeeeeere!” Pinkie said, jumping into the air. “Hey, I bet if you guys are still around tonight, Rara might let you perform again!”
“Perform again?” Phil asked Stu quietly as the four of them entered into the dome.
Upon maneuvering through the foyer and through the stands, they made their way to the front stage where a veiled pony led a group of backup dancers who all wore the same bright, leathery clothes as Phil. Suddenly, one of the dancers stopped and shouted “Hey! Phil’s back!” All of the dancers quickly halted their performance and ran to the edge of the stage, bringing the full attention of the pop superstar.
“Phil?” she said, turning around excitedly. “Oh, my goodness! There you are!”
Stu and Alan turned to their friend, who was looking around for some clue as to how they knew him. “Uhhh…” he started, “Yeah! Here I am, and here are all of you! How uh… How’ve you guys been?”
“We were worried sick about you!” the mare said, walking down the steps of the stage. “Where have you been? We’ve been trying to choreograph a way to fill in the hole without you all day, but now you’re here! You have no idea what a relief that is.”
“D-definitely! Hey, speaking of which, I… Hmm… How should I put this?”
“They don’t remember anything that happened last night,” Pinkie chimed in, making Phil cover his face in embarrassment.
"What the fuck, Pinkie..." Phil mumbled.
The Countess looked up and down the four of them, awkwardly smiling like there was a joke she wasn’t getting, but after their awkward stares held over several moments, she realized that this was no joke. “Wait a second. You don’t remember anything? D-do you even remember my name?”
“Oh, jeeze,” Phil said under his breath, covering his face further. Taking a deep breath and putting his hands in his pockets, however, he looked the mare in the face and said bluntly, “No, I don’t, and I’m sorry, but I don’t remember any of your names either.” Phil gestured to the backup dancers, who all gasped in shock, one even beginning to cry in the hooves of another.
“Phil! What… What happened to your memory?”
“Listen… The three of us were partying last night, we had a couple of drinks, maybe a few too many, and somehow we ended up here. Can you tell us how we ended up like this?” Phil then gestured to his sparkling outfit and Stu’s lack thereof.
“O-oh! Right. You see, we were making a stop at Ponyville, on our way to perform here in Canterlot when we heard about a party that was going on at a nearby cottage. We had some time to kill before taking the road again, so we thought we’d all stop by. That’s when we met the three of you. You all seemed like you were so fun, but I guess one of our dancers had a little too much fun and sprained his ankle by trying to jump off of the roof into a nearby pond. That’s when you, Phil, volunteered to fill in for him.”
Phil pointed to himself and chuckled. “Me? I was your backup dancer? Shit, I don’t know the first thing about dancing.”
“Oh, I don’t know about that. You definitely had a lot of energy. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a crowd so into one dancer before.”
“Excuse me!” Stu interrupted politely. “I had a question. Uhh… Do you know where my pants are?”
The pop star looked back to her dancers, who all gave a confused shrug. “I don’t know, Stu. You came onto the bus looking like that, or at least almost like that.” She pointed to Stu’s butt and giggled femininely.
“Oh, so you’ve noticed my cutie mark. Speaking of which, Pinkie Pie told me I got it from you guys.”
“Hold on a second!” Pinkie said, getting into Stu’s face. “I said you got it with Countess Coloratura. I was the one who gave it to you.”
Stu took a step back, trying to control the sudden rage building in his forehead. “What the fuck, Pinkie?!”
“What? You said it was your super special talent.”
“WHAT is my super special talent?!”
“You said that you and Phil were part of some inseparable wolfpack,” Rara chimed in again. “You said that the chair in Fluttershy’s cottage represented a bond that the two of you share.”
“Who’s Fluttershy?! Pinkie, does this come off?”
“Easy there, bud,” Phil said, putting his hands on Stu’s shoulder to intervene between him and the mares. “Listen, apparently a lot of shit went down at this cottage. I’m sure once we get there, we’ll be able to find our way back home, alright? You’re a dentist. You can get it covered up.” Phil batted Stu on the back, and as much as Stu wanted to play the blame game some more, he held his tongue and took a deep breath.
“OK,” Stu said defeatedly. “Let’s go to this cottage place. Pinkie, do you know the way?”
“Of course!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Follow me! Thanks for everything, Rara! Sorry about making one of your dancers cry!”
The popstar smiled and waved the wolfpack out of the stadium as the four of them continued their trek across this magical pony kingdom. With each question answered, however, a new one came up, and as they all wandered on towards the train station, they began to wonder if they’d ever be able to find their way back home.
Then, as they all made their way out of the stadium, a figure walked out of the shadows behind them. Keeping a generous distance behind them, she whispered, “You sure that’s them?”
“Positive,” a second pony said beside her, keeping his voice down to where nobody else would hear them. “They’re the ones who ran off with your money.”
The first figure smirked. “They made the wrong choice messin’ with this girl.”
Chapter 1: New Year's Day
A thin vapor of humidity covered the dark room with the heat of ecstasy and sweat as the faint sounds of romance splashed out of the gray mare's sex. Thin lubricants swaddled the man's penis just enough to keep the steady rhythm of his hips swaying back and forth through the recipient's tightening orifice.
"Jeeze, Flitter. You weren't kidding about how flexible you were."
"Heh. Am I doing OK?"
"Shit. You're doing fantastic." The man turned his head past his shoulders while carefully keeping the movement of his pelvis at a steady pace. "Stu, is this not the craziest shit you've ever seen?" His friend gave him a thumbs up with one hand as his other danced up and down his shaft, keeping a grip firm enough for pleasure, but just delicate enough to keep him from pushing himself over the edge.
The man bent the pony over to the floor, raising her hips until they made the perfect curve into his lust-centered pelvic region. Breathing heavily as his speed picked up, he brushed his hair back and closed his eyes, mentally preparing himself for the sensation he had been building up between his legs.
"Oh, God. I can't last any longer."
"Ohhhh I want it so bad. Yes. YES! AAAHHH!!!"
With a final violent push, his hips stopped pumping to press against the pony's dripping nether regions, forcing his shaft as deep as it could go before his own liquid lust began to fill the insides. The mare's orifice pushed and pulled in the rhythm of her heartbeat while the man's shaft worked in tandem, pulsing a warm string of passion until it gradually faded into its original state.
As the man gently pulled his penis out between the mare's legs, the gray pegasus's cheeks began to glow a bright rosy red. "So..." she started. "Umm... So what did you think?"
"That was awesome!" Flitter smiled, but when she turned her head back to her sexual partner, she found that he wasn't even looking at her. He wasn't even speaking to her. His focus was glued to his friend, laughing like Flitter wasn't even within earshot anymore. "I wanna do that again. C'mon, let's see if I can fuck every pony at this party."
"You're crazy, man!" Stu said, stumbling over and laughing himself into a frenzy, but just as if it had never happened, both men began running as quickly as they could without falling over in a drunken stupor.
***
Light shimmered past the transparent blue drapes and landed squarely onto Stu's face, irritating his eyes enough to pull him from his dream world into a world where headaches were an unfortunate reality. Groggily pushing himself up with one hand and rubbing his eyes with the other, he took in a deep morning breath that he felt like he had been holding in all night long. Once he opened his eyes, though, he realized that not only wasn't he on his hotel bed, he was on the floor in some room he didn't even recognize. He felt around him until he found his glasses lying on the floor next to him, but when he put them on, he couldn't recognize the scenery any better than before.
"Phil?" He looked around for his friends, but it looked like he was alone in some kind of hallway. "Doug? Alan?"
Using all the energy his morning hangover would allow, he pulled himself to his feet and began searching through the corridor. After about a minute of meandering through the hallway, however, he found a pair of doors that were decorative like some kind of themed hotel room at the Excalibur, but that wasn't where he was supposed to be staying at. Sighing in frustration, he pushed the door open and began making his way inside.
"Doug? Phil? Alan?"
Just as he was beginning to grow anxious, though, he heard two voices coming from a room a little ways down. They didn't sound like anyone he knew, but at least maybe they'd be able to give him directions back to Caesar's Palace. As he grew closer, he could see two figures sitting on a couch playing Tony Hawk 3 on their PS2. Something wasn't right about them, th--
"Oh, God! Where am I?"
Stu quickly hid behind a potted plant a couple dozen feet away, heart beating as if something were chasing after him. After a few quick breaths, though, he turned his head and peered through the plant.
"Press the triangle button!" the taller white one shouted.
"I can't right now!" the smaller black one replied. "Do you see this combo right here? Plus I haven't added like any stats to my grind meter."
"You're gonna miss the achievement!"
"Shut up. I'm going for 30,000 points right now."
"How do you get points if you can't even grind? You've got like 500 points from doing ollies."
"Ollies are hard, dude."
"...I swear, listening to you speak is going to give me a brain hemorrhage."
Stu then slowly turned back around and began tiptoeing back the way he came, praying to God that they wouldn't be able to hear him. Once he was back into the hallway, he quickly ran back the other way towards where he woke up. Just up ahead, he saw a slightly-cracked door with a button up shirt hanging on the knob and didn't think twice before running inside and slamming the door shut.
There in the room was Phil, who began turning in his luxury bed and trying to block out the new sounds pulling him away from his dreams.
"Phil! Wake up!"
"Make Alan do it," Phil said, making himself more comfortable and pushing his mind back into sleep mode.
"Phil!"
"What?" Angrily, he threw his covers off of his shoulders and sat up, just to burst into laughter as soon as he opened his eyes. "Jesus Christ, what happened to you?" Just as Phil pulled the rest of the covers off of him, however, Stu began laughing himself.
"Wow," Stu said, stifling a chuckle.
"What?"
"Look at what you're wearing."
"Look at what you're not wearing!"
They both looked down and jumped back slightly in astonishment. Phil was wearing a black leather jacket edged with studs and tight, pink, sparkling leggings. Stu, on the other hand, was wearing nothing but a cape.
"My clothes!" Stu exclaimed. "What happened to my clothes?!"
"Forget your clothes," Phil said, laughing as he pointed to his friend's hip. "Try explaining that."
"What?" Turning his head and leg as much as he could, he could finally make out an image of a chair printed onto his butt. "What is that?! Is that a tattoo?!"
"It's a tramp stamp, dude."
"How the hell did I get a tattoo?!"
"Guys?" Both Phil and Stu turned their heads to find their overweight bearded friend poking half of his body out of a half-hallway that connected the room with the bathroom. His face was covered in chocolate, but that was almost to be expected from Alan. "I think you might wanna take a look in here. I don't think this came with the hotel."
Phil and Stu exchanged confused looks with each other before cautiously making their way towards the bathroom. Upon poking their heads into the room, they flinched at the sight of a pink pony who was covered in chocolate and passed out next to the toilet.
"Jesus, Alan," Phil said looking up and down the pink mess. "What is that?"
"I don't know," Alan replied anxiously. "I just woke up with it cradling my hips like some kind of pervert. I don't think we should go near it, guys."
"What, are you kidding? The thing looks hurt." Phil flashed Alan a smile, but it was obvious that his morbid curiosity was getting the better of him right now. "You're not just gonna leave it out here to die, are you?"
"It's probably carnivorous. If it attacks, I'll be the most vulnerable because of my bad ankles."
"Just relax, alright?" With another smile, Phil bent down and tapped on the pony's shoulder. "Hey there, sleepy guy. You alright?"
The pink mare then slowly flopped herself onto her back. "Ugggghhhhh. That's the last time I break an Equestrian record for most anything eaten at one time." As she pushed back her gag reflex, the three men above her began screaming in fear, grabbing onto each other as they quickly backed away.
"It just talked!"
"Holy fuck!"
The pony then propped herself up enough to get a good look at boys quivering in front of her. "Hey, guys," she said. "That was a crazy night, huh?"
"What?" Stu spat out, still trying to make sense of things. "What are you talking about? And why are you talking at all?"
The pink mare exchanged looks with the three men before quizzically saying, "I'm talking about the parties last night. Are... Are you guys OK? You all seem a little freaked out."
"Oh! My apologies," Stu said sarcastically. "We're just making conversation with a horse in some place that I don't even recognize. No reason to freak out, right guys?"
"I'm freaked out a little bit," Alan said raising his hand.
"OK, hold on," Phil interjected. "Do any of you remember how we got here?" Stu and Alan shook their heads, bringing Phil's attention back to the equine. "Listen, Miss Pink Horse--"
"Pinkie Pie."
"Listen, Pinkie... Pie... We got kinda fucked up last night. Can you tell us where we are?"
"I think we're in Celestia and Luna's castle."
"Yeah," Stu butted it, "but like where is that? Are we even in Las Vegas anymore?"
"Las Pegasus?"
Stu turned to the other two men and laughed sarcastically. "I can't even tell if we're speaking the same language. No, Las Vegas. You know, a place where they pretty much take all your money and run away with it."
"Soooo... Las Pegasus?" Stu facepalmed and turned away, beginning to lose his composure. "Well, no. We're in Canterlot."
"Yeah, but where is Canterlot?"
Pinkie Pie looked at the other two men, hoping one of them could answer better than she could, but as she soon realized, they were all waiting for an answer like Stu. "Do... Do you guys not remember anything from last night?"
The men all looked at each other, and finally they realized that not a single one of them remembered anything about the night before. Solemnly, they all shook their heads.
"Guys," Pinkie started as she thought about how she would break the news, "you're in Equestria."
Just as Pinkie broke the bad news, Phil felt a buzzing in his sparkling pants. He slapped his hand to his side and pulled his phone out frantically to see a familiar name in the caller ID.
"It's Doug," he said, switching looks between Stu and Alan. Quickly, he picked up the call and put the phone to his ear. "Hello?"
"Phil, where the hell are you guys?" the voice on the other line spoke. "New Year’s is over. We've gotta check out in like 30 minutes."
"Hey, Doug... Uh..." Phil looked to his friends again, silently asking what he should say, but as Stu shrugged his shoulders, it became painfully apparent that they had no idea what to tell him either. "Listen... We fucked up."
