Chapters The socially awkward assassin
Welcome to Ponyville (Chapter 1)
(Luna’s living quarters)
“Yes, I agree, the Grand Galloping Gala is most definitely boring, but when it was destroyed, didn’t that waste usable tax money Princess?” Shining Armor said in a somewhat casual and a somewhat formal tone.
“Tax money? Please, this is Canterlot, the people could care less if taxes were raised, they have nothing BUT money,” she said with a light chuckle, before continuing on. “But anyways, enough about the Gala, what’s the status on our dear friend Mr. Bon?” the lunar princess said, putting sarcastic emphasis on the words “Dear” and “Friend”
He grinned widely as he pulled out a dossier with the words “TOP SECRET” stamped on the front in huge, red letters, “Well, he’s been incredibly elusive, your highness, but we’ve gathered some valuable information on him”
She smiled mischievously, “I see. Well, with our good buddy over here, I’m sure we can solve THAT problem”
Shining Armor frowned, “Good friend, princess? Surely you don’t mean me; I’m not an amazing assassin by any stretch of the imagination”
“She means me, Shiny,” an ominous voice spoke from the shadows, before he stepped out into the light.
Shining’s eyes went wide as he loudly exclaimed, “Kal? It’s been months! Where have you been!?”
“Oh come on Shiny, where do you think I was? Remember Hugo Rummace? He was in the paper, last week. I put a lot of hard work into him, had to cap him with three shells before the poor bastard went down!” he snickered as he trotted over to hoof-bump his buddy.
“Yeah, I remember reading about that; it looked a helluva lot like your work. But I thought that maybe, just maybe you actually went out to, oh, I don’t know, get a life?” he chuckled as he lightly teased his friend.
“Pal, when you’ve got guns like THESE,” he over-dramatically flexed his two front legs, “you don’t NEED a social life!”
“Oh com-”
Luna cut in, partially annoyed “Speaking of which, can you two talk later? I’m sorry, but I have a meeting in 30 minutes with the royal court to discuss the fate of Hugo’s main accomplices”
“Oh, right, sorry, I forgot you were here, Luna” the assassin said as he sat down and poured himself some tea.
“Err, right, anyways Brass, as you probably know we have a new assignment for you, however you may be surprised to know that your methods will have to be slightly unorthodox” Shining said as he shifted uncomfortably in his seat.
“Yeah, Tony Bon, the biggest drug salesman in Equestria. But come on Shiny, we’ve done this whole song and dance before, you know me! I’m not phased by much anymore, what do I have to do” he chuckled as he took a large sip of tea.
“Well, funny how we were talking about it earlier, but you’ll have to make friends in Ponyville to-” Shining said lightly before he was cut off.
“WHAT!?” Kal bellowed as he spit out his tea onto the princesses’ face, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN I HAVE TO MAKE FRIENDS!?” He shuttered as he said the last word.
“He means you have to make friends in order to get close to the locals” Luna murmured with an austere look as she wiped the tea off of her face with a handkerchief supplied by Shining Armor.
“We need you to go to Ponyville and date a mare named Bon Bon, Tony Bon’s daughter, so that you can learn more about him. We’ve gathered some basic intelligence on him, but not enough to know where he is, and where he’ll be, it’s just a basic biography” he added in a sympathetic tone, knowing full well that his friend was a little more than angry.
“But you both know I don’t enjoy conversation with other ponies” he sighed as he crossed his front legs over his chest in a manner resembling a pouting child, “I’ve hated pretty much everypony I’ve ever met”
Luna rolled her eyes, “That’s because you’ve killed pretty much everypony you’ve ever met”
“Not everypony…there’s still you and Shiny…” he muttered as he avoided eye contact with the princess and pawed at the ground shyly.
He could talk his way out of any combat situation, but when it came to vocal battles with the Princess, he had nothing. He liked her, but she had the clear advantage in arguments, having been a politician for years.
“We don’t count” Shining added bluntly.
“Well why don’t you two send Bames Jond? He’s MUCH better at social interaction than I am!” Kal back snapped almost in a feral manner.
“Well, there are a few simple reasons; one is that Bames is on another mission, two is that he’s good with intelligence, not assassinations, three I’m always right, and four you need to work on your social skills” she paused hesitantly before proceeding with the delicate conversation.
“You really should get out more…all you do is study, assassinate, study, assassinate, study, assassinate, all day long! You should develop SOME form of social skills AT LEAST for the sake of heightening your abilities in persuasion on future missions” she admitted, adding the bit at the end to try to entice him into wanting to do this.
He sighed and thought for a moment about the tactical advantages of a better speaking ability, before closing his eyes and slowly nodding his head in agreement.
“Good! Shining will accompany you on this mission for the first few days, to help get you settled in and to, er, teach you the ropes of social interaction. You’ll be staying with his sister for a majority of the time you spend in Ponyville,” she chirped contently.
“A majority of the time? Will she be kicking me out half-way through?” he grumpily asked.
Luna winked and added with a large smirk, “Well, no, but at some point you’ll probably end up moving in with Bon Bon, to…improve relations, of course”
He sighed before chuckling and saying, “Luna, you horny little flirt, I don’t think I’ll need to be dating anypony”
There was a brief, awkward silence before Kal spoke again, “…I won’t NEED to date anypony, will I?”
Luna exchanged worried glances with Shining Armor before saying, “Well, it IS part of the mission…I mean, I kind of expect it…”
Kal angrily sighed, “Look, Luna, I understand you want me to develop my social skills, but this could potentially jeopardize the mission. I think you’re drastically overestimating my luck at this point; I’d have more of a chance unarmed fighting a manticore than to go into a social environment practically BLIND, with no real skills in order to get from point A to point B.”
Before he could continue with his rant, Luna interjected, “You won’t be going in BLIND, we have biographies of everypony in town! I’m sure you can memorize them all, you’re good at memorizing information”
“It’s not the SAME, princess, it’s just…just…” he said as he fumbled helplessly for words to describe his predicament to the princess.
“Oh my, look at the time; I have ten minutes to get ready for the royal court! Out you two go, out, OUT!” She said as she hurriedly pushed them both out roughly before shutting the door.
“But what about my assignment!?” He yelled at the door in a tone similar to a rebellious teenager.
Luna yelled back through the door “Shining Armor will explain the rest”
(Royal hallway)
He sighed, knowing full well that there was no way he could argue his point further. He didn’t dislike Princess Luna by any stretch of the imagination; she had picked him up off of the streets and had him trained in the deadly arts from a young age. It couldn’t necessarily be argued that she had brainwashed him, as she really did try pushing a less-dangerous job on him. But he was a born assassin, excellent in the way of stealth, amazing in marksmanship, a master at memorizing, and incredibly cunning and resourceful. The only problem with all of this is that he has never really liked other ponies, when any other children wanted to play with him, he simply ran away. On his first day of elementary school he peed himself when the pony next to him cheerfully greeted him, and ever since that day Kal was home-schooled. Because of that, he never fully developed any social skills or made any other friends aside from Shining Armor, eventually.
As they silently walked down the halls, Shining attempted conversation with his infuriated friend by saying, “You know it’s not going to be that bad”
Kal sighed and just continued walking, but then realized that he should probably learn more about his mission. “Who am I staying with, again?” he murmured with gritted teeth, trying to avoid an argument.
Shining replied, “Well, you’re actually staying with my little sister! I’ll be with you for the first few days, but for the most part I’d ask her for advice on social matters, if I were you. She was actually like you, once, she hated contact with other ponies but was told by Princess Celestia to go to Ponyville on a social mission”
“You mean Celestia randomly came to her house and told her she was a lonely depressant and needed to get a life?” he muttered angrily. He didn’t really like Princess Celestia, he thought of her as a greedy politician, whereas he viewed Luna as his mother, in a way.
Shining frowned, before glaring at his friend and saying, “No, she’s pretty much your equal in every way, except it was Celestia who found her, and she enjoys studying magic as opposed to killing people”
“Oh, that seems nice. A murderer and a nerd in the same room together, bucking FANTABULOUS,” he snarled sarcastically.
At that statement, Shining stopped and puffed his chest. He glared at his friend viciously and growled, “I’ll have you know that she’s my best friend, and I love her dearly. I’ve been with her more than I have you and to be quite honest, I’d say I’m better friends with her than I am with you. I swear to Celestia you’ll be turned into a bloody pile of pulp if you treat her the same way you judge her”
At that statement, Kal only laughed, “Believe me buddy, I won’t really get the chance, I’m not here to be sociable with your sister, your mother, on the other hand…”
Shining tried and failed to glare at his friend, before giggling, “Celestia damn it all, how can you be so incredibly irritating and yet so incredibly bucking funny?”
The two shared a laugh and arrived at Kal’s room, which was locked behind several armed guards. His room was a dark, hazy place that looked like it hadn’t been cleaned for years. There were scrolls messily lying about, there was ash scattered all across the floor near the fireplace, and there were vermin crawling all around the mess.
(Kal’s room)
“Goodness it’s downright DISGUSTING, how do you ever sleep!?” Shining chuckled nervously, “assuming you DO sleep, of course”
“Oh, I sleep,” a wickedly innocent swiftly growing grin on his face, Kal retorted “I sleep every night with your mother”
He started to laugh as Shining facehoofed. I walked into that one, didn’t I?
With a smirk on his face, Shining quipped, “And that is why you need social skills”
“Is that going to be your new insult, Shiny?” Kal moaned, reminded of his troubles once more.
“Oh shut up you whiny depressant, this is better than that mission at Staliongrad where you had to masquerade as the griffin ambassador you killed for a few days” Shining started walking towards the door, “I’ll be right back; I have to go get something”
Kal called after him “Well at least then I could’ve told my servants to shut their traps!”
Shining came back momentarily with a large amount of folders balanced on his back. Each one had a picture and a name of a pony attached to it.
“Alright Kal, you’ll need to study all of these, they’re all citizens from Ponyville, just in case you encounter them” Shining grinned, “Do you need a file of yourself? Here’s a summary; Very depressing, somewhat reckless, not at all sociable”
“Don’t patronize me, Shiny, this day has already gone bad enough, and I think we both know I’d beat you worse than your mom beat me off last night” he grinned evilly before groaning and collapsing into the pile of folders, scattering them all over his filthy floor.
“Well, I can see you’re VERY busy, so I’ll let you off to your studying…oh, and one more thing. Don’t lose any of those folders, it’s a wonder you haven’t lost anything else in this mess” Shining cringed slightly as the folders slid all over the floor.
After hearing a conformation moan from his friend, he headed out the door (Having to ignore his flaring OCD), adding on the way out “Oh, and we’re leaving in two days. Feel free to ask me any questions you might have”
The door closed, and everything grew silent, save the scattering of rodents and insects throughout the mess. He sighed loudly and dramatically. How do I get myself into these messes? Oh, the irony of that thought, considering where I’m laying right now. He felt so awful, so broken, he, the jack of all trades, would be out of his element for the first time in his life! He faced the possibility of the first failure he would ever make in a mission. He was sure he would mess this up; he knew he couldn’t keep up the façade of being socially competent, even with the help of Celestia’s little protégé. After a few grim, torturous moments of self-pity and angst, he decided he should start reading up on his new assignment. He gathered up all of the folders, but failed to see one that went underneath some of his stray clothing. The folder had the name “Ditzy Doo” written on it, and showed the picture of a greyish light-bluish mare. He studied each individual one, making sure he memorized the unique facial characteristics and habits of each pony. He saw the file for Dinky Doo, Ditzy Doo’s daughter (Wow, now THAT’S a mouthful), and was confused as to why it showed she had a mother who didn’t have a file. He shrugged, noting that this was probably some sort of error, and that he would find out who her true mother was eventually. He looked over Tony Bon’s, Bon Bon’s, and Twilight Sparkle’s twice each, due to the fact that he would be talking to them for a large majority of the time. He mapped out specific routes he would patrol daily, and marked possible locations for Bon’s headquarters, taking into account any ponies he knew would be in specific places at specific times. He quickly formulated a plan to silently break into literally EVERY house in Ponyville without alerting other ponies. Confident in his knowledge, he decided to practice this social thing that Luna and Shining kept stressing. He thought up possible clever phrases he could say to impress Bon Bon, or to woo the other citizens of Ponyville into liking him more, carefully planning out what he was going to say to each individual pony, taking into account social background and their personal psychology. After a while, he felt like he could talk to ANYONE and not have to worry, even making and memorizing lists of things he could say and talk about to specific ponies. He knew that if he had (or at least FAKED) common ground with the other ponies, he could get them to like him more. After a long while, the doors opened and Shining Armor came in.
“Rise and shine, time to get your breakfast and get ready to go!” he stated cheerfully.
“What? But it’s only been a few hou- Oooh right, it’s probably been a few DAYS, hasn’t it…?” Kal blinked and shielded his eyes from the light.
Shining rolled his eyes, “Yeah, I’ve stopped messing with you when you get into these obsessive frenzies about your mission”
“Eh, maybe we should get going, you return these folders and I’ll go get some lunch. You wanna meet at ‘the pub’?” he dizzily suggested, suddenly feeling the effects of not eating or sleeping for two days.
Shining chuckled, “Sure, see you there in half an hour”
(‘The pub’)
He left the folders to his friend and headed off to get some lunch. Maybe I can compensate for my lack of sleep by eating something that will give me energy! He was used to not sleeping for days, or even WEEKS at times, but he knew he needed to be well rested for what he was about to do. He went to the pub where he and Shining had bonded for the first time. He and Shining didn’t get along at ALL when Luna first introduced them, and wanted nothing to do with each other. But as teenagers, they both forged identification and snuck out of their rooms one night to try alcohol for the first time. They arrived at the door almost at the same time, neither one of them realizing who it was until the last possible second. They both froze, and promised that they wouldn’t tell if they other didn’t. They decided to discuss the terms of this ‘truce’ they had, when they eventually got into a conversation about military equipment. After a while (and a few drinks) they were having fun together, making vulgar jokes they had heard, before they bursted out into song. Eventually, the bartender came over and asked them to leave, as they were disturbing the other customers with their drunken singing. He then noticed that they looked younger than his normal customers, and asked to see their IDs. They nervously and hesitantly gave theirs to him, before he took a closer look at them and discovered that they were, in fact, forgeries. He told them this, and they both dashed out the door without even paying. They ran in the same direction with the bartender chasing them. Shining frantically asked his new pegasus friend if he could stay with him, as the bartender would see where he lived and would talk to his parents. Taken aback, Kal was going to refuse, but his military instinct with its mentality of “Never leave a stallion behind” got in the way, and he decided to put any petty issues they had aside for the moment. They both snuck into the castle and hid in Kal’s room. They fell asleep there, and were woken up by Luna the next morning with terrible hangovers. Apparently, Shining’s parents were worried sick about him, because they thought he had run away. Luna knew that they were enemies, though, so she felt suspicious. She interrogated them, and although Kal was a master liar, Shining most definitely wasn’t good at it. He changed his story and fumbled over words so many times that Luna and Kal exchanged glances, before Kal facehoofed. Eventually, Kal told her everything, because Shining was a nervous wreck from trying to lie to a princess. They were both punished, but from that moment on, they both became best friends. The pub, from that day, had sentimental value to them, alongside nostalgia. Whenever they went there now, though, the bartender would make them pay up front for everything they bought. He ordered his and Shining’s food, as they got the same thing every time. Large hay fries, two bottles of vodka each, and a large double veggie burger. After a while, Shining got there, and Kal was suddenly sick to his stomach, remembering his problems once again.
“What’s the matter?” Shining said, confused, as he sniffed his own armpit “I took a shower, so I don’t know why I smell…”
“No, it’s not that, although you do smell” Kal smirked in between gags.
Shining rolled his eyes and continued on “Is this about the mission? Are you seriously THAT worked up about it?”
His question was answered when vomit covered both his and Shining’s plates. After a few seconds, more vomit filled the table.
“How did I even throw up this much? This is the only food I’ve had for two days!” He said queasily, his face a sickly green color.
“I think I’ve lost my appetite” Shining said, as he levitated his vomit-covered burger for a second before setting it down in disgust.
“Let’s just go and leave this to them” Kal said in between spasms, “I just wanna get this job OVER with”
The two headed back to the castle for their chariot-ride, and eventually flew off.
(Royal chariot)
Shining grinned evilly, “Now the first person we’ll talk to is my sister, we’ll be sharing her house with her. Oh, and just so you know, her house is a library”
Much to his dismay, Kal perked up a little, “Oh, a library? Maybe this won’t be so bad after all! I hope they have books on combat tactics!”
Shining frowned, “You’re not supposed to like it dipshit, you were SUPPOSED to groan loudly and obnoxiously like you always do”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” Kal said before he groaned loudly, “I’m sooo depressed that my best friend is a sadist”
Shining let out a defeated sigh, “You’re pretty annoying sometimes, you know that?”
(Ponyville)
After they had landed, they thanked the pegasi who had brought them there and trotted off. After only a few steps in, they came across a pink mare with a poofy hot pink mane. She turned around, saw them, and gasped dramatically before running away.
“The buck was that? Is that a normal reaction from ponies?” Kal angrily asked. He had read up on Pinkie Pie and was completely perplexed as to why she wasn’t in a mental institution.
“Heh…well, not really, but that was one of my sister’s friends…Pink…something…” he said, concentrating visibly in an attempt to remember her name.
“It was Pinkie Pie, Shiny, and I think she’s onto us, did you see how fast she ran!?” he looked around to see if she set up some sort of sniper position. He took note that it may be easier spotting her due to her pink body, but also that she could easily hide that with some face-paint and a ghillie suit.
“No no no, trust me, she’s…different, but she’s definitely NOT a saboteur” Shining said trying to relieve his friend’s stress.
“Well…whatever you say…I don’t trust anypony in this town, except you and possibly your sister!” he cheerfully and spitefully added.
Almost on cue, Twilight came up to them both and greeted them warmly, hugging her brother and then coming up to Kal.
“Hi there! I’m Twilight Sparkle, you must be Kal!”
And that’s when it happened. All of his knowledge, his years of experience in persuasion, his skills in psychological manipulation, his carefully planned out phrases for each pony, the memorized biographies of everypony in town, and even his own name, all of that disappeared in an instant. Oh my sweet Celestia, what is happening to me? His brain felt like it was melting, his heart was pounding like a drum, his eyes twitched, and he sweated incredible amounts. Oh you’ve GOT to be bucking with me.
“Gaaaahhhh…” he said loudly and awkwardly, before continuing, “Y-um, yeah, I’m, uuuh” he stopped, strain completely visible on his face as he attempted to remember his own name. Your name, your name dipshit, it’s not rocket science!
Feeling extremely light-headed, his entire vocabulary rushed through his head as he tried and failed to find words. He completely panicked as seconds ticked by and they both stared at him, frowns slowly forming on their faces. Oh for Pete’s sake, you know eight languages fluently and you can’t say anything to these bucking ponies. Just pick something, ANYTHING, any phrase in your brain and say it.
“Gaaah-uuum…so you’re Lyra then?” he said, stuttering and utilizing a clearly fake inquisitive tone of voice.
When I said pick something, I didn’t mean something false, dumbass. He started to feel dizzy, and as that was happening the effects of not having anything in his stomach started to tie in with the pressure. After a minute of heavy panting and his body swaying like a tree, he collapsed, fainting in front of everypony there. So much for being Discreet, Brass, now everypony’s gonna know who you are. Oh yeah, and I remembered your name asshole, it’s ‘Brass Kalibur’ buck face, and you’d better not forget it next time we get into something like this. He realized that although his subconscious was incredibly rude, he was also right. He had one mission, which so far, he was failing at. He needed to blend in with the locals and assassinate Tony Bon. Tomorrow, he was determined to at least talk to Twilight, and THIS time he wouldn’t faint when he spoke to anypony. He had had his doubts but now it felt more like a challenge than a mission. He was going to win, and he was going to take out Tony Bon.
The socially awkward assassin
(Twilight’s library)
Oh boy, wow, where am I? He woke up, dazed, and looked around the room in order to identify some sort of clue as to where he was. In his dizzy state he clumsily fell out of bed and stumbled around. His instinct told him of one or two potential possibilities of what had happened; One, he was captured and drugged by the enemy, or two he was drunk and Shining had put him to bed in a hotel. He guessed it was the latter, as he had a pounding headache, and he felt like he wanted to throw up, but he had nothing in his stomach TO throw up. As he made his way down the stairs, he tripped and fell all the way down, finally resting at the hooves of his mentor, Princess Luna.
“Woah, Princess” he slowly whispered, “How drunk was I last night?”
Princess Luna sighed, “You weren’t drunk, you fainted”
He took a better look around at his surroundings, now that his head wasn’t spinning as much, and realized that he was in some sort of wooden library. He then identified two other ponies aside from Luna and some purple lizard thing. One of them he was either too dizzy to identify or he didn’t know her, but the other one he confirmed was Shining Armor. That prick, he never gets hangovers like I do. Shining walked over and splashed cold water on Kal’s face, which quickly shocked him awake.
“Gaaah!” He exclaimed angrily, “What was that for!?”
“To wake you up, you need to eat something, Kal” Shining said bluntly.
Kal took a second to process the information laid out to him, before he pieced together what had happened. He was clearly overwhelmed by the pressure of the conversation.
“Oh…right, you’re that one lady…Twilight, right?” He said slowly, clearly piecing his thoughts together as he went along.
“Yes, I’m Twilight Sparkle, pleased to meet you Brass Kalibur” she said happily as he extended one of her front legs to hoof-shake.
“Oh, right, we kinda had a bad start, didn’t we?” He said as he hoof-bumped her, slowly understanding the awkwardness of the hole he dug himself into.
He realized once again that Luna was in the room when he asked, “Wait, Princess Luna? What are you doing here?”
“Well, I was here because I thought something had happened to you, but you just slept for a day and a half and woke up” she murmured, with a slight hint of annoyance in her voice he was just catching as the cogs in his brain slowly cranked back into their normal routine.
He realized a few seconds later that the reason she was annoyed was because she hadn’t slept in a day and a half after rushing here. Once these thoughts floated through his mind for a minute, he instinctively started apologizing. Whenever he did something wrong, even if it wasn’t his fault, his first instinct is to apologize to Luna.
She sighed, “Its fine, Kal, I’m just glad you’re alright”
Shining cut in before more apologies inevitably came, “But anyways, Brass, you’re the talk of the town now”
Kal’s eyes widened, “Talk of the TOWN?”
“Yes,” Shining said with an amused grin, “everypony knows about the colt that arrived here on a fancy chariot and lost consciousness in the middle of town square”
At that comment, Kal face-hoofed, “So much for being subtle…has the mission been jeopardized from it?”
Shining smirked sadistically, “Quite the opposite, the town is curious and wants to know more about you now”
Kal’s heart sank, “They…they want to know more…about ME?”
“Yes,” Shining’s eyes flashed evilly, “and this is something we couldn’t have PLANNED better”
He chuckled slightly at the now confused look of crisis on his friend’s face, “Now you’ll be able to talk to everypony, and you can spread around the story of how you’re a fisherman from Trottingham, whose life was changed for the worse after bandits stole his boat. Don’t you see? This could be the big opportunity to have you blended in with the rest of society!”
Kal was clearly appalled at his friend’s enthusiasm, “But if I couldn’t tell Twilight my name without fainting, what makes you think I can tell the rest of the town a false story?”
Shining’s eyes turned dark, “Kal, I’ve known you long enough to where I can safely say you’re the best liar I’ve ever met. If you put your mindset in the mission as opposed to the social struggle, you can pull it off”
Kal’s terrified expression changed to drastically to where it was apparent that he was deep in thought, “Well, I suppose if you look at it that way, I’ll just have to tell anyone who I get into a conversation with…”
Confidence renewed, Kal proudly started striding for the door, “HA! You know what Shiny, you’re right! I just have to-”
His growling stomach cut him off mid-sentence, when he realized he still needed food. They all decided to go to sugarcube corner, which had recently started serving mealtime items and, much to Kal’s delight, alcohol. Luna decided she would go back to Canterlot, as it would not help the mission if the talk of the town suddenly started walking with a princess. Twilight led the way, as neither of the other two knew the layout of the city. Kal still wasn’t comfortable near Twilight, but he kept in mind that he might be able to bear her if he just kept his head in the mission, and the mission only. Twilight, on the other hand, was secretly curious to see how far she could push him before he had another meltdown. Although definitely not out of spite, she attempted small talk with him, knowing full well the consequences if he was overwhelmed again, but attempting nonetheless.
“Sooo…you’re Princess Luna’s student then?” She said in a partially curious manner.
He didn’t notice she said anything until a few seconds later, “…Huh? Oh, right, yes, I am. And you would be Celestia’s student, then?”
“Yes,” she said suspiciously, “but she’s never told me of you…”
Shining cut in, “Yes, Twilight, I’ll talk to you about that…later…”
The realization hit Kal that Shining hadn’t told Twilight he was a trained assassin. He facehoofed, and wondered about his friend’s intelligence sometimes. Are you BUCKING WITH ME Shiny, you forgot to tell our own sister that she’ll be spending her nights with a trained killer? The conversation stopped at that, as Twilight was trying to understand what was going on that couldn’t be said in public.
(Sugarcube corner)
They arrived at sugarcube corner and Shining opened the door for them. Kal was suspicious of his friend’s politeness, and grew slightly concerned when he entered a dark pastry shop. Is Shining going to take me out? Is this all some elaborate scheme of Luna’s to have me killed? Kal panicked internally, and cautiously stepped into the room. The lights turned on and he heard a large “SURPRISE!” causing him to jump back in alarm and reach for his knife. He stopped himself from grabbing it when he realized that assassinations didn’t take place with colorful party decorations and banners saying “Welcome to town” It was a good thing he had not drank anything for several days, or he probably would have pissed himself from shock, reliving the horrible memories of his elementary school. He walked into the room with an annoyed look on his face, cursing himself internally for thinking that his best friend would kill him. It took him a few moments to actually acknowledge the party itself and the fact that there was a room full of ponies staring at him. His heart sank as he saw Pinkie Pie from earlier hop towards him.
He face-hoofed, “Oh buck my life, Pinkie Pie, you threw me a party?”
Pinkie wore a massive smile on her face, “Well of COURSE I did silly!”
Twilight, noticing her new acquaintance’s distress, whispered, “Don’t worry, she does this for everypony, you won’t draw any attention from it”
His eyes went wide as party guests curiously shuffled towards him, all intent on learning about who he was. Well, at least I have my friends to back me up on this. He glanced behind him, only to find that his “Friends” had abandoned him to socialize. He cursed Shiny for what he did, took a big gulp, and reassured himself that it was all for the mission. He turned back to the horde of partygoers, the first being identified as Colgate.
“Hi there stranger! What’s your name?” she chirped excitedly.
Remembering his experience with Twilight, he had made a point not to forget his name, “Oh, my name is Brass Kalibur, pleased to meet you!”
A solid start, and best of all, his cheery demeanor had caused the other curious ponies to gather around him.
Trying his best to think of this as a professional matter, he utilized all of his lying techniques to help him conquer his social dilemma, “I just moved here from Trottingham! Is there good fishing here?”
He was pleased with his line, as it would hint at the fact that he was a fisherman. His confidence was damaged, however, when he saw confused looks on their faces.
“Well…there’s a pretty good pond around here, sure, did you not get to fish much in Trottingham?” Colgate inquired, curious as to why he brought that up.
Oh buck my life, I forgot, Trottingham isn’t near any major source of water, is it? He made a mental note to get Shiny back for his blunder, but Kal quickly compensated.
“Yes, I do so LOVE fishing! I used to fish with my grandfather, but he passed away recently, along with my parents” he lied with a near-perfect facial expression.
Why exactly did I add the ‘parents’ thing? Their faces fell, as they felt sympathy for him. He realized he could utilize this to establish himself as a tragic figure, who had to fight through his problems, which might get ponies to pity him more, and would ultimately win him some easy social points. As the conversation went on, he dominated it in almost a strategic way, taking advantage of his thorough knowledge of psychology, making up lies off of the top of his head, and impressing the other ponies with his stories. The crowd was content that he was not only a normal pony, but extremely handsome and socially competent (Ironically). After a while, he slipped out of the crowd and tried to find Shining armor, he identified the faces of the crowd, confirming that he knew each of them, when he suddenly came across a face he hadn’t memorized. He glanced at her face, then, realizing his blunder, looked over at her AGAIN. She was a greyish light-bluish mare with a blonde mane, who interestingly enough had her eyes facing in opposite directions. She was eating a muffin happily on the sidelines, which was most definitely suspicious in his books. Hmmm, not joining in the festivities are we? I’ll have to ask around about HER. He then suddenly realized that if he didn’t know her, she had to have come out of town, and therefore he couldn’t inquire about her, as nopony else would know about her either. He grew incredibly suspicious of this pegasus, so he watched her from across the room, in an attempt to see if she was doing anything else that was worthy of noting. Another pony came up to him from behind and surprised him.
“Oh hey, are you that new pony from out of town?” a mint green unicorn asked him, who he identified as Lyra.
He fumbled for words as he realized that she could be an accomplice of the blonde one, “Oh, erm, yeah”
She smiled warmly, “Hey there, I’m Lyra h=Heartstrings, what’s your name?”
Why is everypony in this bucking town so friendly? “Oh, my name is Brass Kalibur”
She noticed that he was looking at Derpy and grinned, “Yeah, I’ve always wondered about Derpy’s eyes too, they’re just not natural”
He was slightly taken aback from that statement, “Derpy? You know her?”
Lyra chuckled, “She’s pretty much the comic relief for the town, but she can be annoying sometimes”
“Oh really, how?” he inquired, curious to learn more about her.
As he listened to her, it started to dawn on him that this was Bon Bon’s best friend. If he could get close to her, maybe he could-
“Hi!” he heard a cheerful voice behind him.
“Gah!” He jumped up in surprise and turned around, standing face to face with Derpy.
Wow, Lyra just left me here…that was a bit rude. He then saw Lyra snickering as she watched him from across the room, she was either setting him up so Derpy could kill him, or she was pulling some weird prank on him when he had spaced out.
He didn’t feel completely comfortable with the fact that this pegasus could stab him if he got too close. In truth, though, a part of him WAS wondering about her eyes, to be completely honest. She looked so playful and childish, but he knew he couldn’t talk to her informally until he made sure she wasn’t going to try to kill him. Besides, he had a mission; he had to find Bon Bon here, and- Bon Bon! He remembered that he should look for Bon Bon in the party! He was about to find Lyra in an attempt to strike up a conversation with her, when he realized that he was right in front of the pegasus, and she was looking directly at him. Well, at least one of her eyes was looking directly at him; the other was facing a different direction. Oh buck my life; am I really going to talk to her? The two awkwardly stared at each other for a moment, until Kal broke the silence.
“Er, um, ahem, he-hello, ummm…” he vocally flailed, cursing himself for not being more discreet about watching the mare.
Derpy didn’t know why he was speaking so silly, but she decided that she liked him, “My name’s Derpy! Lyra said you wanted to talk to me!”
He realized that Lyra was just bucking with him for fun, and quickly deduced that Derpy probably wasn’t a counter-spy, although she at least had the potential to be at this point, “Oh, did she? Well, er, my name’s Brass Kalibur”
Well if I don’t attempt conversation with her, I won’t know where she’s from and what she’s doing, I must know about her, for the sake of the mission! A civil war raged in his head, as he briefly remembered learning about the “Fight or flight reflex” in biology. He really wanted to run, but of course he couldn’t do that, he was so close to getting information out of her!
He took in a deep breath as he braved inevitable sentence failure, “Wh-what’s your n-name?”
“I already told you silly! My name’s Derpy!” she chirped cheerfully, not realizing his nervousness. This silly pony talks worser than I do!
He stammered awkwardly as he wished for death to free him from this curse, “I, um, d-don’t underst-stand” She’s an assassin, she’s here to kill me, she’s onto me!
He started feeling light-headed, and then shook his head a bit; I know I can do this!
“Do you like muffins?” Derpy said through a bite of her own muffin, blissfully unaware that the colt in front of her was facing extreme internal conflict at the moment.
“Muffins? Oh, right, muffins, uh, sure I like muffins! Do you, er, like muffins?” he was getting better as he talked, but he still wasn’t very good in this scenario.
He didn’t know it at the time, but he was extremely lucky that he was slipping up in front of Derpy, as she was one of the few ponies who wouldn’t notice something like that.
Derpy’s face lit up as she yelled loudly and excitedly, drawing the eyes of a majority of the party, “Do I like muffins? Of COURSE I like muffins! Who DOESN’T like muffins!? Whoever doesn’t, there should be a law against them, they should go to JAIL!”
Kal’s eye twitched he realized that she probably wasn’t an assassin, because one of the basic rules of being an assassin is being subtle, and she was most definitely NOT being subtle right now, “Er, I’m glad to hear that”
Much to his dismay, she didn’t hear him and continued frantically talking about muffins. He glanced over at Lyra who was laughing hysterically. He glared at her sharply, only causing her to laugh at him more. He sighed and slipped away from the one-sided conversation easily without her knowing. Derpy would make a great distraction for his escape from the party. He snuck out of the party without anypony noticing, and was about to walk away when he realized he didn’t know where he was. Through the stress of everything he had forgotten practically everything, including his patrol route, so he would have to go to the library to look back at his papers to remember everything. He then realized how bucked he was, as he didn’t know where the library was either. He sighed quietly. I guess I’ll just have to wander around to see if I can find this place. He walked through town in a terrible mood. He couldn’t find Bon Bon, the whole town is curious about him, and that Derpy filly is probably gonna bother him more.
(Ponyville)
“Hey! Who are you?” a voice called from behind.
He sighed, Oh great, more of these bucking stupid locals, will this ever end? He turned around and saw some cyan pegasus with a rainbow mane. He identified her as Rainbow Dash; he knew it was her because of her distinctive mane.
“Oh, me? My name’s Brass Kalibur, what’s your name?” he asked, trying to sound as nonchalant as he could about it all.
“My name’s Rainbow Dash! I’m the best flyer in all of Equestria!” she proudly stated.
“Fan-bucking-tastic, now if you’ll excuse me there’s stuff I have to do” his eyes narrowed slightly to match his annoyed and sarcastic tone of voice.
Rainbow Dash was angered slightly by that, “Hey, you shouldn’t talk to ponies like that!”
“And you shouldn’t randomly stop people you don’t know on the street asking who the buck they are. What are you, law enforcement?” His anger was growing slightly, but he knew he could deal with it if he could just get his hooves on some alcohol.
Rainbow opened her mouth to speak, but found no words came out. She shook her head and angrily said “I was just trying to know who you were! There’s no need to be rude about it!”
“Oh joy, a lecture from the narcissistic butch, how fantastic” when he got angry he got sarcastic, which amused Shining but not ponies he had just met.
“Grrr, you think you’re so cool! I bet you wouldn’t last five seconds in my world!” she snorted, trying to get back at him in any little way she could.
He chuckled and rolled his eyes, “Right, because I’m sure you’d survive what I do. Just shut your mouth and leave me alone”
Rainbow flew down and got in his face, “Or what wise-guy? You think you could take me?”
He facehoofed and sighed as she punched the air with her hooves to show how tough she was, he knew he could kill her in a back alley and nopony would find out it was him, but shook that thought from his mind, he was supposed to be helping civilians, not killing them, “Look, maybe we’ve just gotten off on the wrong hoof. I’ve had a bad day today and I find that pretty much everypony I talk to I end up regretting getting to know them. So if you’d kindly just-”
He was interrupted by Twilight and Shining who came running up after him from Sugarcube corner, “THERE you are, we wondered where you went!”
“You know this guy?” Rainbow quirked up an eyebrow, “He’s kinda rude, Twi, is he a friend of yours?”
“Well, kind of, he just moved here, he’s living with me in the library for a while” she explained.
“Oh, well what’s he doing in Ponyville?” Rainbow inquired, now curious about the confusingly rude stranger.
“I’m an a-” he clopped his hand over his mouth and looked around nervously.
After a few awkward moments of silence, Shining finished his sentence for him, “He’s an athlete. He takes part in the Olympics every year”
“Oh, you’re an athlete? Well how about a race then!” Rainbow Dash smiled evilly, knowing full well she can beat this new pony in town and teach him a lesson for being rude.
“Oh, well I don’t do flying in the Olympics…I do…um…” he looked over at Shining with a pleading look that would get him out of racing her, he knew it was inevitable he’d lose.
Shining rolled his eyes, “He does marksmanship with the Olympics”
That was a smart thing to say, as Kal was an excellent marksman, and could easily have passed off as an athlete in that field if he ever had to prove it.
“Funny…I don’t think I’ve ever heard of you before…when’s the last time you competed?” Rainbow was REALLY curious now,
“O-oh, right, erm, I’m not in the real Olympics, I do…the PRIVATE Olympics! The upper-class in Canterlot has to pay a lot of money for it! It’s not something that a lot of ponies know about, though, because we don’t want anypony to feel bad about it” he lied his flank off.
“Wow, I’ll have to apply for that! How do you sign up?” Rainbow asked, liking this stranger more and more by the minute.
“You have to live in Canterlot to apply” Shining added.
“Aaaw, just my luck! Well, I have to go, I’m on a tight napping schedule today y'know! You and I should work out together sometime, what did you say your name was again?” Rainbow yawned loudly.
“Brass Kalibur, but my friends call me Kal” he stated, happy to have avoided another social crisis.
“Right! Well, I’ll see you later then Kal!” Rainbow said cheerfully as she zoomed away.
Kal sighed, “She certainly had something to prove, didn’t she?”
Twilight frowned, “She said you were mean to her, what did you say?”
Kal looked away, knowing they would be angry at them if he continued on, so he decided to change the subject, “Hey, wait a minute, where ARE we? I was just gonna go back to the-”
Kal was suddenly cut off as a pink blur came flying at him, ending the assault with a tight glomp, “Ohmaigosh why did you leave the party!?”
Kal sighed, he had dealt with enough whack-jobs for today, but he decided he would genuinely TRY to be nice to the ponies he met from now on, “Oh, uh, Pinkie, right, I was feeling a little bit sick so I decided to go home”
Pinkie pouted, “Aaaw but I still have to show you all my friends!”
Kal looked desperately towards Shining, who grinned sinisterly, “I think you should do it Kal! It would be a great way to get to know your new neighbors!”
Twilight giggled as Kal glared at Shining menacingly and searched for words, “But…but…”
“Well then what are we waiting for!? Come on silly, we need a plot device!” she grabbed him and dragged a confused pegasus by the tale.
He gave Shining the infamous ‘I’ll-get-you-back’ stare, to which Shining replied with the smug ‘I’d-like-to-see-you-try’ grin. Kal cursed himself for not coming up with an excuse in time. He made note to put hot sauce in Shining’s breakfast.
As they passed by ponies along the street, Pinkie quickly introduced them to Kal, “Hi! Have you met my new friend, Brassy!?”
They passed the town’s DJ, the town’s school-teacher, and the mayor, before coming up to the town market.
Pinkie Pie gasped dramatically, “Ohmigosh, have you met Applejack yet!?”
Kal gasped, mimicking Pinkie Pie sarcastically, “Omigosh, I haven’t met applejack yet!”
Pinkie Pie was overjoyed, not catching his obvious sarcasm, “Ooh, you’re so excited, I’m sure you’ll be bestest friends!”
(Ponyville marketplace)
He groaned, realizing he was with one of the weirdest ponies in Ponyville, before he was dragged up to the apple stand, “Howdy Pinkie! Who’s yer friend?”
Pinkie bounced with excitement, “This is Brassy! He’s the absolute bestest assassin in the world!”
Kal froze in his tracks, How did she know I was an assassin!? “Heh, you’re SO funny Pinkie Pie!”
Pinkie didn’t notice the goofy grin on his face and lit up like a firework, “Oh thank you! I’ve always liked to be funny, I have so much fun, I-”
Pinkie continued on, speaking at such a fast rate Kal had given up on trying to listen to her, “Does she always do this?”
“Heh, well, most of the time, yeh. I’m Applejack, what’s yer name?” she asked politely.
“My name’s Brass Kalibur,” he replied, “but my friends call me Kal”
“Glad to hear it! What’re y’all doin’ here in Ponyville?” Applejack was as curious as anypony else, but what differentiated her and every other brain-dead pony was that he actually LIKED her.
“Oh, I’m living with Twilight and I, uh, was sent by my, er, mom to study with her. My mom’s a good friend of the princess” He said, knowing that he was kind of lying as Luna wasn’t technically his mother, but in reality she pretty much was.
“Glad to hear it! Me an’ mah family run Sweet Apple Acres, an’ we sell these here apples in the market! I’ll give y’all a free sample” she offered him one.
He chomped on it appreciatively, not having had any food (Or alcohol, much to his dismay) at the party.
“Hey Applejack, how long is Pinkie gonna-” Kal was suddenly interrupted.
“Ohmigosh! Kal, there’s my other friend Rarity! We gotta go Applejack, buh-bye!” Pinkie exclaimed excitedly.
“See y’all later! An’ good luck Kal” she winked at him, causing a grin to grow on his face.
He really respected country-folk like Applejack, he was bunk-mates with a stallion similar to her when he went through basic training, his name was Braeburn. He was the only pony other than Shining who he had actually liked. It was a shame when he was sent off to South Coltea; the CIA (Celestial Intelligence Agency) wouldn’t let him send any messages after that. He had no idea where he was now, but to be honest he kind of missed him. As he was dragged up to Rarity he realized just how much this was going to suck. He knew Rarity was going to be one of those prissy girly-girls, and he HATED snobs like that.
“Rarity! This is my new friend, Brassy!” Pinkie chirped excitedly.
Kal sighed, “Pinkie, just call me Kal, I don’t li-”
Pinkie didn’t appear to hear him, “And Brassy this is my friend Rarity!”
“Charmed” Rarity said in a posh accent.
I can already tell I’m not gonna like her.
He decided he was going to try to be as polite as he could possibly be, even if he knew he probably wouldn’t be able to stand this mare later, “Erm, hello”
“Rarity owns a dress shop in town! And Brassy here is an ass-” Kal shushed her mid-sentence.
An awkward silenced followed for a few seconds, before Rarity responded, “Oh, he’s a foreigner is he? And yes, now that I look at him more, he DOES look sort of like a donkey. Are you pure bred?”
Wow, that was rude, calling me a mule, what the buck is she talking about? Oh right, she heard ‘ass’ from Pinkie.
“Say Pinkie, is there anypony else in town you wanna introduce me to?” he tried to get away from Rarity before he insulted her like he did Rainbow Dash.
“Ooh yeah there’s a bunch! C’mon, let’s go!” She excitedly bounced around before grabbing his tail again and dragging him farther along.
As they got farther along, he realized that he should probably ask Pinkie how she knew about his line of work, “Pinkie, who told you about…me?”
“Mmf, mm mmf, mfmff, mmf” she said through a mouthful of Kal’s tail.
Kal sighed, “Could you please let me go for a second, we really need to talk about this”
They stopped for a moment by the side of the road as Kal asked, “How did you know I was an assassin?”
Pinkie giggled, “Well it’s pretty OBVIOUS when you think about it!”
Kal was flabbergasted, how could this dumb filly see through his disguise so easily? “How did you…what…huh? Actually, you know what, I don’t even care anymore”
Satisfied with his answer, she grabbed his tail again and dragged him off, “Woah, hey, let me go; Celestia gave me hooves so I could WALK!”
Pinkie didn’t seem to hear him and kept on dragging him. As they moved through town, greeting the various ponies who roamed the streets, Pinkie took him to a road leading away from Ponyville.
Getting nervous, Kal started to wriggle a little, “Woah woah, where are we going NOW?”
Pinkie answered his question with a cheerful “Mffshm!” and continued on.
(Fluttershy’s cottage)
After a few minutes of Kal’s ignored protest, they finally reached a small cottage near the Everfree forest. They saw a yellow mare with a pink mane watering her flowers in her small garden. Pinkie spit Kal out and approached her.
“Hi there Fluttershy! Have you met my new friend Brassy!? He’s the generic protagonist in our fanfic!” She bounced around her friend excitedly.
Kal sighed, knowing full well that this mare was probably insane, “Er, pleasure to meet you Fluttershy”
Fluttershy, realizing somepony else was there besides Pinkie Pie only blushed and avoided eye contact, “Oh, um…hello…”
"Apparently he's a Mary Sue!" she put emphasis on those last two words and bounced around, confusing Kal and Fluttershy in the process.
He was slightly insulted that the crazy one thought he was female, "Um, Pinkie? I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm a COLT"
She giggled, "Oh I KNOW"
Fluttershy looked away awkwardly as Kal expected her to be just as crazy and stupid as every other pony in this Celestia-forsaken town. He sighed in relief, realizing that she was probably antisocial just like her biography said, so he wouldn’t have to stress so much about her.
After a few moments of awkward silence Pinkie Pie grabbed his tail again and they were off, “C’mon, we have to advance the plot!”
The only time Kal or Fluttershy made eye contact was when she gave him the “Just-ignore-her-she’s-crazy” look.
(Ponyville)
As they moved back towards the library, he saw Bon-Bon and Lyra hanging out together. Lyra sneered at him and pointed as he was helplessly dragged along by the pink Earth pony. Bon Bon giggled a little to herself after having seen countless ponies being in the same predicament he was in. Wow, buck you too, lady . A little while after Kal realized who that was and his heart stopped.
He went wide-eyed, “Pinkie, stop stop STOP! You have to introduce me to Bon Bon and Lyra!”
“Mmffmmfshm, mm, mfmsh” was all she could reply through a mouthful of his tail.
He sighed, “Buck my life, everypony in this town is crazy”
As he was dragged along he noticed some shady looking ponies in a back-alley, filling a cart with some bags. Hmmm, I wonder what they’re up to. He made a mental note to set up a stakeout there after this. Maybe he could find out where they were going and what they were doing.
(Twilight’s library)
As they arrived at the library, he noticed Twilight and Shining holding back laughs at the sight of his bemused face. He glared at them both, only making it harder for them to stop giggling.
Pinkie Pie spit out his tail, “Oki doki loki! I brought him back! What are we gonna do next!?”
“I think he’s had enough for one day” Shining giggled like a little filly.
Kal rolled his eyes, “Shining, we need to talk”
“Oh lighten up Kal!” Shining grinned mischievously.
Kal sighed at his friend’s immaturity, “It’s not about that buck-face, I’m setting up a stakeout”
Shining’s light demeanor changed into a stern, business-like one, “Why, what’s the matter?”
“I saw some shady looking ponies putting bags into a cart in a dark alley as Pinkie was dragging me from Fluttershy’s cottage,” came the response, “and I personally think that we should watch them”
Shining nodded, “Roger that, lemme go get some stuff, I have some beer in the kitchen, oh, and we brought you back some lunch from sugarcube corner”
“Oh, wait, Shiny, I have something to ask you real quick. Did either of you tell Pinkie that I’m an assassin?” he asked, still wondering how exactly Pinkie knew.
Twilight and Shining shook their heads as Kal looked over to Pinkie who appeared to be reading something, “Pinkie, how did you- Wait, what were you reading?”
She looked up and noticed the three were staring at her, “Oh, uh, nothing”
As she quickly put it away, Kal read aloud “SCRIPT: The soci-”
They all stared awkwardly at Pinkie, who ran out the door and away from them all, "Gotta go, buh-bye, seeya later!"
Kal quirked up an eyebrow, “That was weird…well, we don’t wanna miss that cart, come on Shiny, go get the stuff for the stakeout, I’ll eat lunch while you do”
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The socially awkward assassin
I only get captured when I wanna get captured (Chapter 3)
(Ponyville)
The two were off; Kal happily carried some binoculars and a six-pack of beer that Shining brought from the fridge back at the library. Shining levitated one of Kal’s maps in front of them as they walked along.
“We’ll set a stakeout over here,”-Kal pointed to a building roughly 30 feet away from the alley where he saw the suspicious activity-“and we’ll wait until the cart goes somewhere, then we’ll follow it, hooah?”
Shining marked both places on the map, “Hooah, we’ll have to check out that house later, it could be a safe-house”
The two found the building they were going to use as a stakeout position and climbed on top of it. They got low, and were relatively hard to spot because it was starting to get darker outside. Kal opened a beer and took a long drink as Shining looked through the binoculars.
“Hm, the cart’s full, but they’re standing around talking. It could be a while before we have to do anything” Shining said, still looking through the binoculars.
Kal was nearly finished with his first can of beer already, “That’s fine, more time for me and my precious alcohol”
Shining frowned, “It’s probably not a good idea to get drunk while we’re doing this, you know”
Kal opened a second beer and rolled his eyes, “Buddy, if I had one bit for every time I’ve drank alcohol on a mission, I’d probably be paying SOMEPONY ELSE to be doing this for me”
Shining sighed, knowing full well that Kal knew what he was doing, but worrying nonetheless, “I guess I can’t argue with that, but I’m staying away from it”
Kal grinned widely, “Great, more for me, pansy”
The two waited for about an hour before a rugged looking brown pony in a police uniform was handed a large bag of bits by the driver. The pony looked around to make sure nopony else was watching and then walked casually out of the dark alley.
“Hey, Kal, do you know who that pony is?” Shining handed Kal the binoculars.
Kal identified the brown pony, “The one with that huge bag of bits? That’s the chief of police. Why, is he being paid off?”
“He might not be, but it doesn’t look good at this point. I guess we’ll just have to see where the cart takes us” Shining said, trying to remain optimistic despite what the situation looked like.
“We’re about to find out, the cart’s on the move, Shiny, and we should be too” Kal said to his friend, who was already carefully climbing down to the ground.
The two stuck to the shadows of the night like phantoms, checking occasionally to see where the cart’s position was in proportion to them. After a few minutes, the cart left Ponyville and headed down a dirt road into the Everfree forest. The two snuck around the rough foliage and got closer to their target. A long ways ahead, they could see a cave with a few ponies gathered around the entrance.
(Everfree forest)
“Go back and get some guards, I’ll see if I can infiltrate the compound” Kal whispered as he left before Shining could protest.
Kal snuck up on the driver from the bushes and jumped up on his back. He pressure pointed the massive pony in the neck, knocking him unconscious immediately.
“Looks like you just got amBUSHed!” Kal taunted as a wicked grin appeared on his face and he snuck his tongue out immaturely.
Two guards heard the noise, and one exclaimed, “Hey, who’s that over there!?”
They charged at him, as he yelled, “Was it the pun? I’m sorry, it just seemed so appropriate!”
He dodged both of their attacks, then rushed up behind them and slammed their heads against each other, knocking them unconscious as well. I guess two heads AREN’T better than one here! He did NOT want to tempt fate again by saying his pun out loud, so he just silently chuckled.
He quickly scribbled a small note for Shining and his guards saying, “Interrogate these dudes”
He checked the bags in the cart and confirmed that they were in fact drugs. He searched one of the guards and found an ID card. The pony resembled him in mane color and coat color, but had different facial features. Kal sighed as he made a weird face in an attempt to resemble the guard. They didn’t look exactly alike, but they were close enough. He made his way through the thick forest and sighed as he realized how utterly stupid he looked. I look like I’m angry and constipated at the same time.
(The compound)
He got up to the cave entrance when an armed guard walked up to him and asked to see some ID. He flashed it so that the guy wouldn’t notice any physical characteristics out of place, but the guard was smarter than he looked.
The guard looked at Kal suspiciously, “’Scuse me buddy, but this doesn’t look exactly like you”
Kal tried to look angry with his strange new face and puffed out his chest, “Shut yer face, ‘fore I pound it in. You got some nerve callin’ me ugly. You callin’ me ugly?”
The guard took the bait as planned, “N-no, I was just-”
Kal seethed more pretend anger, “I was called a donkey today and I feel a li’l self-conscious ‘bout the way I look right now. D’ya honestly think it’d be a good idea to get me mad right now?”
The guard stammered, unprepared for this unforeseen aggression, “Uh, n-no sir, sorry, you can just go on through, I didn’t mean to insult you, sir”
Kal forced back a grin and chuckled silently to himself when the guard was out of earshot, “Sweet Celestia, how stupid do you have to be? Seems like the quality of guards these days has gone down”
As he moved on through the cave, he noticed several rooms, one of which having the title of “Torture room” on it. He peeked inside and saw no guards around, so he decided to check it out. There was blood splattered across the walls, mutilated corpses were hung from the ceiling, and several rusty tools were on a tray near an iron table with straps on it.
(Torture room)
He looked around and noticed a bruised and battered pony in a small cage, whimpering. He was a relatively slender colt, who looked even smaller due to his cowering and shivering. The shivering pony didn’t appear to notice that he was there for a second or two, before he faced him and went wide-eyed with fear.
“NO, I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ELSE” the prisoner shrieked, clearly terrified.
“What’s your name and how did you get here, prisoner?” Kal said, forced to act in a gruff manner due to the fact that the prisoner might give him away if he told him he was a spy.
“Wh-What? Bu-” the prisoner stuttered, before he was interrupted by Kal.
“I’m askin’ the questions here, buck-face. What’s yer name and where did we catch you,” he said menacingly as he held up one of the tools from the tray.
The prisoner’s eyes went even wider, “Muh-muh-my name is Snitch, suh-sir. Mousey suh-Snitch, sir. And yuh-you got me on, uh, th-Thursday, the 7th, sir”
Kal glared at him, “An’ what’d you do to get in here?”
Snitch was clearly confused, but scared nonetheless, “I snitched on th-the family, sir, I promise, I’ll never do it again! I’LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN!”
“Keep quiet you!” Kal said raising his hoof threateningly, causing Snitch to flinch.
As he was about to interrogate him further, a few guards came in with weapons, and one of them yelled, “Get on the ground’er we’ll kill ye, IMPOSTER!”
Kal rolled his eyes and sarcastically said, “Oh no, you guys found me. You want a bucking medal or something?”
The guards charged at Kal who grinned and raised an eyebrow, “This oughta be fun”
(Cave entrance)
“DROP YOUR WEAPONS AND GET ON THE GROUND” Shining sternly shouted at the outgunned and outnumbered guards at the cave entrance.
His forces moved in swiftly as each individual guard was searched. A few raised their weapons to fight but received a lifetime supply of bullets before they could get a shot off.
Shining heard screaming coming from the torture room, “Oh no, what are they doing to Kal!?”
Shining and his forces charged into the room, “Breaching, breaching! Get on the ground, GET ON THE GROUND!”
(Torture room)
They expected several armed guards and a weeping, bloody Kal, but were instead greeted by the assassin himself who was casually sitting back looking over his work nonchalantly. The ground was littered with the mangled remains of the guards that charged at Kal. Half of the faces were unrecognizable, and severed limbs were scattered around the carnage. The only living guard was sobbing openly, bruised and bloody, hanging upside-down from the ceiling by his testicles, and begging Kal to end his life.
Shining’s men were shocked, but Shining had seen this before and sighed, “It’s not morally right to do that sort of thing, you know”
“Well, they attacked me first! It was an act of self-defense” Kal stated almost matter-of-factly.
Shining rolled his eyes then looked at the guard hanging upside down, “Why’d you keep that guy alive?”
“He looks to be of a higher rank than the other ones, so I thought he might know something. THAT and he gave me some lip, which, as you know, I don’t appreciate very much” Kal snickered, with a viciously smug psychopathic grin on his face.
(Ponyville)
The two exited the cave and walked back to Ponyville, leaving the cleanup to the law enforcement. They’d help with the interrogations tomorrow, but for now, they were just going to go home.
They walked in silence for a while through the summer night before Shining started the conversation up, “So what about Bon-Bon? Did you meet her?”
Kal rolled his eyes grumpily, “No, it seems Pinkie Pie decided to introduce me to everypony EXCEPT Bon-Bon and Lyra”
Shining chuckled, “You know there’s more to this than the mission. Princess Luna would’ve wanted you to go and meet everypony as well”
Kal sighed and looked at the moon, “I think this is all just ridiculous, if I don’t like other ponies then why is she putting me in this situation? Is she doing it as punishment for something? Doesn’t she love me?”
Shining laughed nervously, “She DOES love you, and that’s why she’s doing this to you. Don’t you see how much you’ve missed out on in life being a complete shut-in? My sister was like you, and she’s glad Princess Celestia made her come here”
Kal bit his lip and decided it was best not to respond, as he didn’t want to insult his best friend’s sister again. The two walked back to the library in silence, unsure as to what was going to happen next. When they got back, they found that Twilight was reading a book, waiting for them.
(Twilight’s library)
When they walked through the door, Twilight raised her head and yawned, “Goodness you two were out late, what all happened?”
Before they could answer, Spike walked in, “Hey, who’s this guy, Twi?”
“This is Kal, he’s the assassin I told you about” Twilight said, annoyed by the interruption and clearly eager to know what happened.
Spike’s eyes went wide, “Oh, uh, hello suh-sir”
Kal rolled his eyes, “It’s alright, buddy, last time I checked I’m not here to put a blade in a baby dragon’s throat”
Kal chuckled before realizing how gruesome his choice of words were as Twilight and Shining stared at him and Spike started slowly backing towards the stairs, “Right, uh, I’m off to bed, night Twi!”
Shining glared at Kal, “Nicely done, you scared ANOTHER innocent child; I think you deserve a medal”
Kal rolled his eyes, “Your sarcasm falls on deaf ears, my friend. Anyways, though, we cleared out a compound of ponies, Twilight”
“Kal got captured too” Shining added.
Kal quirked up an eyebrow, “I wasn’t captured, you could clearly see I was dominating the situation. I only get captured when I WANNA get captured, kid”
Shining was going to argue, but decided against it, as his friend’s ego was near-impenetrable, “Maybe we ought to get some sleep, it’s getting late”
Kal grinned, having won the short argument, and trotted upstairs triumphantly.
“Oh, Kal, I only have two beds, I’ll just set up a mattress for you down here” Twilight added before he went up the stairs fully.
Kal sighed and helped her get the mattress, blankets, and pillows out. Once everypony had gotten their sleeping arrangements settled, Kal stared up at the ceiling and thought to himself. Why AM I here? I’ve succeeded in everything so far, what makes Luna think this is REALLY going to help my future missions? He let out a long sigh before rolling on his side and attempting to sleep.
“Hey Kal, Pinkie’s throwing another party, wanna come?” Shining asked his friend cheerfully.
Kal frowned, “Another party? I already went to one, Shiny, there’s no point in meeting everypony a second time”
Shining lit up, “But this one’s your BIRTHDAY PARTY! You HAVE to come!”
“Birthday party? Shiny, my birthday’s not for a few months” Kal stated bluntly, wondering why his friend was so cheerful.
Shining’s face fell into an uncharacteristic pout, “But we’ve planned on this for months! You have to come; you wouldn’t wanna make Pinkie feel bad, now would you?”
Kal rolled his eyes, “Fine, let’s go”
The two walked towards sugarcube corner and Shining held the door open for Kal again. Aaaw, isn’t that cute, Shining’s being so polite for my bir-GHACK! A sharp pain penetrated his throat, as he felt a knife embedded deeply into his neck. He sputtered and gasped for air as Shining grinned evilly. He turned on the lights to reveal both princesses hogtied and gagged in a cage along with Shining Armor, Twilight Sparkle, and the other ponies.
“Muahahahaaa,” Shining cackled as he got close to Kal’s face, “happy birthday to you, my friend”
Kal helplessly flailed about, attempting to stop the imposter of his best friend. He tried to scream, but no noise came out of his mouth. He glared at the imposter, who was now pointing a gun at his face.
“Sweet dreams…ASSASSIN” he cackled before firing his gun.
“NO!” Kal screamed as he woke up wide-eyed and panting.
He looked around the room; he was in the library, everything as normal, nothing out of the ordinary. Phew, that was just a dream. What time is it? He got up to get a better view of the clock, and found that it was 2am. Wow, I’ve only slept for four hours…I’m wide awake now, though, and there’s no way I’ll be going back to sleep after…THAT. He sighed, and decided he was going to go take a walk.
(Ponyville)
He liked the city streets at night; everything was so quiet and so peaceful. No young children would run up and bother him, no pony to crave attention from him, no Pinkie Pie to-
“HIYA BRASSY!” Oh sweet Celestia, please, no.
He sighed and realized that the sugar-filled pink mare was literally inches from his face, “Hi Pinkie. What are you doing up this late?”
Pinkie giggled, “I was just gonna do some late-night pranking! Wanna come!?”
Her words echoed through the streets as Kal rolled his eyes, “Not like I had anything better to do”
She nearly peed herself from excitement, “That’s great! Who do you wanna prank first!?”
“Well, I suppose Shining’s had it coming to him for a while now” Kal grinned evilly and flashed his eyes towards his new accomplice (Who was important, because he could pin the blame on her if he needed to).
Pinkie was close to bursting with joy, “Great! This is gonna bring our characters closer together! Let’s go brainstorm some ideas!”
The two went to sugarcube corner and plotted their devious scheme. They seemed to be the perfect team, one was an experienced saboteur and the other was an experienced prank…oteur. Kal was impressed at Pinkie’s creativity, as her plots were incredibly complex and seemed like they were completely solid. Every part of it was brilliant; everything was there that needed to be there to make it a good prank. Once the blueprint for everything was finished they went to get their supplies and put their plan into action.
(Twilight’s library, two hours later)
Kal tickled his friend’s nose, only to have Shining unconsciously smack himself in the face with a hoof full of shaving cream.
“Zzz”-Shining smacked himself in the face-“Shnorwha?”
He stumbled out of bed and got his hoof stuck to a skateboard lined with superglue. The skateboard then set off a trip-wire that sent a mallet towards Shining’s back, knocking him forward on the skateboard, and propelling him forward. Afterwards, he fell out of the bedroom face-first into a custard pie.
Pinkie and Kal howled with laughter, “Bahahaha, nicely done Shiny! You’re a model soldier to us all!”
Shining, still dazed and confused as to what just happened, tried in vain to stand back up, only to slip back down into the pie because he forgot he had a skateboard glued to his hoof, causing even more laughter from the two pranksters. He realized what was happening and tried to pull the skateboard off of his hoof.
Twilight yawned, “What happened?”
The laughter that had erupted between the two woke up the neighbors at 4:30 in the morning. Needless to say, they were NOT happy. Octavia complained about her beauty sleep as Vinyl complained about her hangover. Still laughing maniacally, Pinkie and Kal went down to try to help Shining with the skateboard.
Shining glared at them both through his mask of custard, “What’s wrong with you two? You could’ve hurt somepony!”
Kal tried and failed to stop giggling like a little school filly, “The only thing hurt here is your pride, Shiny! Consider us even”
Neither Shining nor Twilight was amused by the situation.
(Twilight’s library, a few hours later)
“I am VERY disappointed in you two” Twilight scowled angrily.
“Oh relax Twilight; we were just having a little bit of fun!” Pinkie chirped, happy to see that Kal actually liked her now.
Shining rolled his eyes, “If by ‘a little bit of fun’ you mean embarrassing me in front of my little sister, then yes, mission accomplished”
“Right, but let’s be honest, you’ve done worst stuff to me in the past few days” Kal snorted, eating the remaining custard pie with Pinkie appreciatively.
Before he could argue further, Pinkie bounced up, gasping dramatically, “Brassy, you know who we should get next!? Rainbow Dash!”
“Wow, that sounds awesome! Let’s roll, Pinkie!” Kal was as excited as Pinkie was at this point, having been cheered up immensely by seeing his best friend facing humiliation in front of his little sister.
The two scampered off excitedly, thinking of different ways to prank her. Once they had left, Twilight walked up to her brother and giggled. He glared at her, but a grin soon formed on his face as well.
“Alright, alright, I suppose it was a LITTLE funny,” Shining admitted, “but they woke the neighbors with their laughter.
Twilight smiled warmly, “Well yes, but he’s been under a lot of stress lately, so I think he deserved it”
(The Ponyville park)
“Ok, so lemme get this straight,” Pinkie Pie said, uncharacteristically serious for the sake of the prank, “you’re going to tape Dashie’s wings down, then tase her to wake her up, she’ll jump out of the clouds and fall into my vat of pudding down below”
Kal nodded, “Rrright! I can supply the taser, you just go get the pudding!!”
Without another word Pinkie Pie carefully positioned the massive bucket of pudding below Rainbow Dash.
“Where did you…oh nevermind, Pinkie, I’ll just go get the taser!” Kal was about to happily trot off when he saw something that stopped him dead in his tracks.
“Okidokilo-” Pinkie chirped before being interrupted.
Kal grew serious and shushed Pinkie, “Sssh, get down!”
The two ducked behind a bush as Pinkie put away the small pool of pudding somehow and whispered, “What is it? Is there somepony else to prank?”
Kal facehoofed, “No, Pinkie, it’s Bon-Bon and Lyra, I need to befriend them for my mission! Pinkie, you’re, er, kind of an extrovert, how should I approach them!?”
Pinkie giggled, “Well he couldn’t think of a better way to introduce you to her than this, so”
Pinkie grabbed a confused Kal’s tail and dragged him toward the bench where the two mares were sitting, “Hey, what’re you, GAH! Not this again Pinkie!”
She dragged him up to the two who were chatting on a park bench, “Hiya girls! This is Brassy! Brassy, don’t be shy, say hi to them!”
Kal blushed, not ready at ALL for a conversation with the two mares who were now giggling at him, “Oh, uh, h-hello…”
Lyra grinned, sensing that he might be shy around Bon-Bon because he likes her (Funny, because she couldn’t be farther from the truth), “Oh, hey there buddy, haven’t seen you since the party!”
He grinned sheepishly, “Er, yeah, I had to, um, go”
Bon-Bon seemed a little confused at the conversation but found it humorous how nervous he was, “Ha, get any more nervous and you’ll faint again, buddy”
Wow, she’s a grade A biznatch, isn’t she? “Oh, heh, sorry, I just don’t like meeting, um, new ponies…”
The two mares giggling at him didn’t help his confidence at all. He searched desperately for a way out of this situation. He wasn’t ready, he wasn’t prepared! He looked up to Pinkie Pie desperately and then thought of something.
“Hey, Pinkie,” he tried and failed to say nonchalantly, “we still have to get that stuff for Rainbow Dash”
He winked at her and she gasped dramatically, “Omigosh I almost forgot! C’mon Brassy, let’s go!”
Both Lyra and Bon-Bon laughed hysterically at his not-so-graceful exit from the scene, “Bye BRASSY, nice meeting you!”
As soon as the two mares were out of earshot he sighed deeply, “Pinkie, why did you take me into that situation blind like that? We should’ve prepared, you can’t just-”
“Mmf mmshf mmsh mm!” she interrupted him, saying something he didn’t understand, of course.
He sighed, then decided he would just remain silent and crossed his front hooves across his chest as he was dragged along. Great, Bon-Bon thinks I’m a weirdo, Shiny’s probably mad at me, and Pinkie’s probably gonna mess up the rest of my mission with her obsession over the fourth wall. Could this day get any worse?
His question was answered when he heard a loud “LOOK OUT” before he was pounded in the stomach by a flying projectile.
Letters flew everywhere as he rubbed his damaged gut. He looked around to see what had hit him, only to find a pegasus with her head stuck in the ground, trying to pull it out. I know I’ve seen her before, where have I-Oh, oh no, oh no, this isn’t happening to me. He could deal with one crazy mare, but two? He would have to commit seppuku by the end of THAT ordeal. As both Pinkie and Derpy tried to recover, Kal swiftly and silently snuck off.
(Ponyville)
Having put a few buildings between himself and the two crazy mares, he let out a sigh of relief. Once again, Derpy, you provided the distraction I needed.
He had nothing else on his agenda for the rest of the day except for the interrogations later, so he decided for the first time in a while he would just walk about and see if there was anything to be done. It felt good to casually stroll through town, as it was a nice day. As he was walking around, he exchanged glances with Applejack and Rarity. The two mares glared at him, before marching straight up to him angrily.
He quirked up an eyebrow, “Is something wrong?”
Applejack scowled at him, “Yeh somethin’s wrong, ya lied to us! Ya told us ya were studyin’ fer Luna with Twilight, but it turns out yer just a stone-cold killer!”
Kal’s face went pale; his cover was blown with them, who else might know at this point? He stared at the angry mares for a few moments before he proceeded on with the conversation.
“I-I…look, I have to lie to everypony, don’t you see? If I don’t, my cover will be blown, and I’ll be killed off by my target! Did you tell anypony else? Who else knows?” Kal was panicking at this point, unsure if the past two days had been a complete failure.
Applejack and Rarity exchanged glances, then sighed, “Far as I know Twilight only told us, Fluttershy, an’ Rainbow”
Kal let out a sigh of relief, it was fine if the elements know about him, “Well, please, don’t tell anypony else about this. If not for me, do it for Princess Luna”
They pitied him, realizing now that he was actually a national hero that nopony knew, “Fine then, we won’t tell anypony about your…barbaric …job if you tell us the truth from now on”
He sighed, he honestly could care less about Rarity’s opinion, it was more of his concern about lying to the element of honesty. He nodded his head in agreement and thanked them both.
His eyes went wide in realization, “Hey, wait…did you say Fluttershy and Rainbow both know too?”
The two simultaneously nodded seconds before he started running to find them, “Woah, look at the time, seeya, gotta go!”
They watched him as he ran away and chuckled, “I really think I like that feller, he looked like he’s been through a lot. I feel kinda bad ‘bout bein’ mean t’him like that”
Rarity sighed, “Yes, I think you’re right. Maybe we should apologize for being so rude to him”
They nodded silently in agreement as they continued on.
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The socially awkward assassin
And don't forget the beer, Shiny (Chapter 4)
(Ponyville)
Kal ran towards the Ponyville park as fast as he could. He would make Rainbow promise she wouldn’t tell anypony on the way to Fluttershy’s. He was unsure as to what Rainbow may have told other ponies, as she was not one to gossip, but she did talk a lot.
Once he got back to the park, he was relieved to find out that those crazy fillies had left as well. He flew up to the cloud that Rainbow was napping at before and discovered that she hadn’t moved napping spots in the time he was gone.
He violently shook her awake, “Rainbow, Rainbow! We need to talk, NOW!”
Her snoring was cut short with an awkward snorting noise before she yawned, “Kal? What are you doing waking me up at this late hour?”
He sighed, “It’s two in the afternoon, Rainbow. We need to talk about my…job”
She frowned, “I didn’t think you were an athlete, you didn’t seem competitive enough. I never thought you’d turn out to be a killer”
She shuddered as he looked away from her, “I didn’t think it was appropriate to tell many other ponies, I’m sure you understand”
She slowly nodded before smirking, “But I still expect you to work out with me sometime, you look pretty athletic”
He chuckled, “I’ll work out with you if you promise not to tell anypony about my line of work”
She nodded confidently, “Rrright! Now, when are you free? I usually work out the best on weekends”
Without another word Kal pulled out a taser and shocked her, which made her leap off of her cloud. She reflexively tried to spread her wings to protect her fall but her wings had suddenly been duct-taped to her side. As she helplessly fell down to the ground, a vat of pudding appeared below her in a pink blur just in time to catch her fall. Mission accomplished.
(Fluttershy’s cottage, later)
Kal sighed deeply and rolled his eyes. That prank took too much of my precious time, I need to make sure Fluttershy doesn’t tell anypony. Not that I’m worried, of course, I don’t think that mare EVER speaks. He trotted up to her cottage and knocked on her door lightly, remembering that she was a little timid and making sure to be gentle.
“Hello? Who’s-EEEK!” She slammed the door in his face, causing him to rub his snout.
Still rubbing his snout, he slowly and cautiously opened the door, “Er, Fluttershy? Is everything alright?”
“STAY AWAY! DON’T HURT ANY CREATURE HERE! WE’LL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT!” She screamed from the farthest room in the house away from the front door.
He sighed deeply and muttered under his breath, “These fillies are unbelievable sometimes”
Kal waited there for a few minutes, contemplating what to do when an angry-looking rabbit bounced right up to him and held his paws up threateningly. Much to Angel’s dismay, Kal couldn’t hold back a chuckle. Angel squinted his eyes and attempted to intimidate Kal, failing miserably.
“Are you a friend of Fluttershy’s, Mr. Bunny?” Kal tried to look as serious as possible, but his grin showed otherwise.
Angel nodded slowly, not blinking or taking his eyes off of Kal, before smacking him in the face harshly.
He rolled his eyes, “Ok, whatever. Just take this note to Fluttershy, please. I’m leaving, I promise” Kal quickly scribbled a little note and handed it to Angel, who continued to glare at him as he backed away towards the door.
Once he had left Angel took the little note over to Fluttershy, “Oh, what’s this little Angel bunny?”
She began to read it aloud, “I am so sorry to have startled you Fluttershy, but at the risk of sounding somewhat ridiculous I would just like to say that I am not a bad pony. If you aren’t a criminal then I don’t think we have any reason to be cross with one another. Please accept my apologies and I hope that we can overcome this in the future”
She blinked at Angel, unsure of what to make of the note, before she saw something written on the back, “P.S. Please do not tell anypony about my line of work, as it will inevitably cause nothing but trouble”
They both stared at awkwardly at each other for a minute before Fluttershy sighed. She hadn’t expected a brutish murderer to speak with such an aristocratic tone. She most certainly would keep her distance from him in the future, but at least she wasn’t as afraid of him anymore.
(Ponyville)
Kal headed back into town, he was going to go back to the library and see if there was anything to be done. He walked near the market-place when he saw Pinkie bouncing around happily. He went wide-eyed and ducked behind a garbage can. Oh buck my life, if she finds me, I’ll probably go insane. This is like Stableria all over again…except SHE doesn’t have any guns…
He looked around for possible escape routes from the situation when he heard a cheery voice next to him, “Hi there Brassy! Omigosh, I thought I lost you there for a minute!”
He yelped and bolted in the opposite direction of the annoying voice. He ran through the streets for a while before he came across the police station. Knowing he could be safe-guarded there, he dove in and looked outside to see if she had followed him.
(Police station)
After seeing no trace of pink outside, he turned around only to find that he was face to face with Shining, “Where have you BEEN Kal? Interrogations started half an hour ago”
Kal blinked, realizing that he had forgotten all about them, “Uh, better late than never, right?”
Shining rolled his eyes before leading him down a hallway to the interrogation rooms, “We’ve been digging information out of the grunts, but no matter what we say we can’t get anything out of that one pony you kept alive”
Kal chuckled, happy that he would get to play with his new friend once more, “Oh don’t worry, Shiny, I’ll see to it that he tells us EVERYTHING”
Kal walked through the door and saw the officer sitting there with an angry look on his face. As soon as the gruff looking stallion saw Kal, he went wide-eyed and backed away into a corner.
He was clearly terrified, “Oh no oh no oh no, not…not YOU again”
Kal grinned sadistically, “Oh yes oh yes oh yes…ME again”
(Outside the interrogation room, looking through a one-way window of glass)
The chief of police frowned, “Are you sure this…Brass can get this guy to talk? We’ve tried everything we know”
Shining chuckled lightly, rolling his eyes, as the criminal’s head was bashed against the window, “Not everything. Kal has a certain way of being…above the law, in some respects, so he can get the job done more efficiently”
They saw Kal head-butting the guard through the window, before the pony was splattered against the wall in a manner only seen in cartoons, “He looks like he’s promising, but even if this guy talks, I don’t know what exactly we’ll get outta him, he could lie to him about things, or-”
Shining put a hoof up to the chief’s mouth as he watched Kal forcefully introduce the soldier’s face to the concrete floor repeatedly, “I’ve known Kal long enough to the point where I can safely say that I don’t think anyone has ever lied to him and gotten away with it”
The two didn’t exchange words as Kal triumphantly trotted out the door, “He gave me names, he gave me places, and he gave me numbers, my three favorite things!”
Grinning at the chief of police’s gaping mouth, he handed him the tape-recording from the room, “Sort through this, see what you do and don’t need, and document it accordingly. I expect a full summary of the ‘interview’ to be delivered to me by tomorrow”
Shining and Kal walked away without another word, exiting the police station and continuing back to the library, “You shouldn’t have had the chief there, you know. If he’s being paid off, we don’t want him seeing what’s going on behind the scenes”
Shining frowned, “He’s the chief of police, he knows everything that’s happening…behind the scenes …I don’t think I could’ve stopped him if I tried”
Kal rolled his eyes, “We’re gonna have to follow him, you know. He could lead us somewhere important, maybe even to the boss himself”
Shining smiled, “A stakeout two nights in a row, Kal? You’re spoiling me, you know that?”
The two walked back to the library and decided that they would set up an observation post in an hour or two. Kal prepared his equipment and suited up as Shining did the former as well and acquired some supplies they might need.
(Twilight’s library)
Shining walked into the kitchen as Kal called after him, “And remember the beer, Shiny! Celestia only knows we can’t stalk somepony without beer!”
Twilight rolled her eyes as she read a book, “What’s with your need for alcohol, isn’t that a bad thing to be drunk on a mission?”
Kal shrugged, “I never thought much of it, alcohol is just one of the fundamental things you need to go on a stakeout. It’s like an unspoken rule, really”
Twilight replied flatly to him, “You know, for someone so obsessed with the mission, you seem to take it lightly”
Kal’s eye twitched, “I think obsessed is too strong of a word”
Twilight giggled, “How about addicted? Fanatical? Devoted? You like your job a lot”
“Hey, hey, hey, I just think it’s important to enjoy what you do!” Kal stated matter-of-factly, causing a chuckle from Twilight.
Kal rolled his eyes, “But believe me, if I’m devoted to my mission, then YOU’RE obsessed with your books”
Twilight frowned angrily, “That’s not true!”
Kal didn’t respond and only looked behind her. She rotated her body, only to find herself staring down a massive mountain of books that she had carelessly tossed into a pile. He grinned smugly and stuck his tongue out as she crossed her front hooves and glared at him.
(Ponyville streets and rooftops)
Shining trotted out of the kitchen with a six-pack of beer and they were off. They set up another rooftop position the same distance away as the other stakeout was before, both of them were equipped with binoculars this time, as well as matching dark grey and black special operations uniforms.
Shining sighed, “We’ll probably be here for a few days, I doubt he visits the boss very often”
Kal shook his head and smiled, “I put on a show today with the interrogation for a reason, you know. I want the chief to know EXACTLY who I am, so he can report to his boss later tonight. We’ll see all there is to see tonight, I’m sure”
Without another word, the two stared at the building for roughly two and a half hours before they saw the chief come out, “Hey, Shiny, we gotta move, the chief’s leaving”
Shining nodded, and the two were on the dark streets once again, following a much-smaller target this time, but still having no trouble keeping up with him. After a little while he led them to the same building that the cart was being loaded at before. They set up a position in the same place as before as Kal took out a crossbow.
Shining quirked up an eyebrow, “Who are you planning to shoot?”
Without saying anything, Kal fired the crossbow and sent the bolt flying across the rooftops until it hit right next to the open window and embedded itself deeply into the wood.
Shining snickered, “I think you missed, buddy”
Kal grinned smugly as he took out a little device from his pocket and turned it on, “I never miss”
The device turned on and started talking to them. It took Shining a few moments to realize that he hadn’t intended to hit anypony in the building; the bolt was a miniature microphone, and they would hear the whole conversation inside now.
A gruff voice spoke from the little radio, “The boss wants to know what exactly we’re dealing with here. Who is this assassin?”
The chief spoke, “His name is Brass Kalibur, and he is NOT to be trifled with. I’m still working on getting you a picture of him, but until then, just try to keep everything locked down. I’ve heard he’s the go-to guy in Canterlot when they need somepony dead, so we need to be careful about the information we give out”
The voice chuckled, “We don’t ‘give out’ information, Chief. We’ve all been sworn to absolute secrecy, I assure you”
“You can assure me anything you want, but that worthless officer told him everything he knew in only a few minutes of interrogation, and that was a pretty hard pony, I can tell you that much” The chief stated bluntly.
The voice seemed shocked, “An OFFICER gave off information? Who was it?”
The chief rolled his eyes, “His name was Dirty Gruff, but that’s not big news, because EVERYPONY they captured squealed like a pig when they were put on the spot”
You could almost hear the confidence in the voice snap in half with a sickening crack, “Fine. Maybe you’re right, maybe we should keep important information away from the soldiers, their allegiance might not be as truthful as they say”
The chief seemed annoyed, “If I were you, I would keep ALL of the information away from the soldiers. Hay, Keep it all away from anypony that doesn’t need to know about it. Anypony could get captured, and I can assure you everypony WILL squeal. Therefore, if you limit the number of ponies in the know, you limit the amount of information outputted”
Kal grinned and whispered to the chief, despite how it was set to ‘one-way radio’, “That’s where you’re wrong, my friend. You’ve just given us a gold mine of information”
The voice sighed, “Just leave, I have to send a letter to the boss about this”
They followed the chief as he left, but discovered that he was, in fact, retiring for the night. Kal and Shining exchanged glances before Shining broke the silence.
“So what do we do now?” Shining inquired.
“Simple,” Kal added nonchalantly, “we take out the chief of police”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short chapter is short. To anyone following this story, I'm going to be gone for like 10 days, but I assure you I'll be writing fanfics in my absence and I'll be uploading them when I come back ^.^ Then I come home for 2 days, then I go somewhere ELSE to train for 2 weeks >.> But anyways, I just didn't want anyone to think I was giving up on this series. Until then, I'll see you all later :D
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The socially awkward assassin
I love the smell of hay bacon in the morning
(Ponyville)
Shining quirked up an eyebrow and looked at his friend, “You know, you can’t kill off every pony you have a problem with, sometimes ponies don’t deserve to die”
Kal laughed, “Well, that type of mentality hasn’t failed me yet”
Shining rolled his eyes, “What exactly do you plan to achieve? The whole town would be in an uproar, and it’d be difficult to keep anypony who knows about you quiet”
Kal sighed, “To be honest, Shiny, I don’t have much of a choice at this point. If he isn’t taken out, Tony will send an assassin after ME. If they know what I look like, that makes things even MORE complicated”
They walked back to the library silently. Shining felt awkward about the entire situation, because although he trusted his friend’s judgment, he felt it was wrong to be killing somepony in law enforcement. That being said, he didn’t want to admit it, but he knew Kal was right. If the family knew what he looked like, he couldn’t do his job effectively, and it could jeopardize the entire mission.
(Twilight’s library)
They got back to the library and noticed that no lights were on. They walked inside and wondered what the other one was thinking.
It took a minute or two for them to make eye contact, but when they did, Shining was the first to speak, “I guess you’re right, Kal. Maybe he needs to die, for the mission’s sake”
Kal nodded, “Tomorrow we should inform anypony who knows about me what’s going to happen, so they don’t…freak out about it”
Shining grinned, “Glad you’re showing some foresight for once, Kal”
Kal responded by slugging his friend in the arm harshly. They both went to sleep and Kal contemplated how exactly he would kill the chief of police. He thought long and hard about it, but decided it was best to make it look like a heart attack. The whole town would be concerned if the chief of police was sniped in public, but he was a little chubby, so he could potentially be the victim of a heart attack. Eventually, his mind was busy dreaming as opposed to scheming, and the next thing he knew, he was waking up the next day.
He would have stayed in bed, but a familiar smell caught his nose, “Hay…bacon? Hay bacon? Hay bacon! Hay bacon!?”
He leapt up from his mattress and galloped into the kitchen. He wanted to confirm what his nose was telling him and, sure enough, Spike had some sizzling hay bacon in a skillet on the stove.
Kal started weeping openly, and glomped Spike so hard that even Pinkie Pie would have been startled, “Oh-my-Celestia-thank-you-so-much-kind-purple-lizard-thing-I-promise-I’ll-pay-you-back-some-day”
At first Spike was wondering what Kal was doing literally laying on top of him, but then he went wide-eyed, “Aaah! Help Twilight, Kal is trying to KILL me!”
Kal’s heart sank, “What!? No I’m not!”
Twilight and Shining ran into the room, “What’s going on here?”
Kal stopped his drooling over Spike and turned to them, still blubbering like a foal, “Spike is cooking hay bacon just for me! It’s SO beautiful! I didn’t even think he LIKED me!”
Twilight blinked as Shining rolled his eyes, “He really likes hay bacon. Like, he REALLY likes hay bacon. He really really REALLY likes hay bacon”
Kal turned back to Spike, who was still frantically squirming to get out of his bear hug, “For this, I’ll give you one free kill! Anypony you want! I’ll even take out Twilight if you don’t like all of her chores!”
Twilight and Spike were horrified, but Shining only chuckled nervously, “He makes promises like that all the time, but he rarely carries them out…I’ll take care of him”
As Kal attempted to choke out words of praise through his diaphragm spasms, Shining set his taser to the bear setting and shocked him out of his hay bacon frenzy.
Kal jerked and shook violently as electricity shot through his body, before he fell to the ground and looked directly up at Shining, “Thanks, Shiny. I didn’t know how long it would take before I stopped there”
Spike turned off the stove and put the hay bacon onto a plate. He carefully slid it over to Kal as a tribute; not wanting to anger what he thought was a vicious psychopath. His passion re-ignited, Kal happily danced around in a manner resembling Pinkie Pie before mauling the plate of hay bacon before him.
Bits of hay bacon flew all across the kitchen, before Kal burped loudly, “Thanks purple guy. You’re alright with me”
Kal bounced out of the kitchen, as Spike stood still, frozen in the spot he stood from confusion. Shining sighed, rolled his eyes, and followed his friend that embarrassed him so much.
(Ponyville)
Shining chuckled, “I think you scared the little guy again, you should apologize later. What are we doing today, anyways?”
Kal was still beaming from the fun he had earlier, but he was legitimately trying to be serious, “Well, we have to tell the others who know about me what exactly is going to happen tonight. Did you tell Twilight?”
Shining frowned, “Not yet, it didn’t come to mind when we started talking this morning”
Kal sighed, “Why don’t you tell her later tonight when I’m on my way to kill him, I think you’re better with her, anyways. She probably won’t like me very much after the incident with the hay bacon”
Shining chuckled, “Yeah, alright, that seems like a good idea. I’ll tell Rarity and Applejack, and you tell the rest”
Kal nodded happily as he walked down the street opposite of Shining. He got along with Rainbow decently, Fluttershy wouldn’t be much of a problem, he’ll just have to be gentle with her, and then that leaves…oh dear. Kal’s eyes went wide as he stopped walking entirely for a few moments. Oh no no no, this is not happening, where’s Shiny? I wanna switch, I WANNA SWITCH! He desperately looked around for his friend but found that he was already long gone. Kal sighed, facehoofing before walking along again. Well, might as well get her out of the way first.
(Sugarcube corner)
He walked up to sugarcube corner and found Mrs. Cake at the counter, “Hello ma’am, is Pinkie Pie here?”
Not sensing his inner struggle, Mrs. Cake happily nodded, “Yes she is! Are you a friend of hers?”
Kal cringed, not sure if he would wanted to consider her a friend, but at the same time he knew that they most certainly weren’t acquaintances at this point, “Er, you could say that, yes”
She smiled, “Well, why don’t you go up to her room? You’ll find a staircase just past those doors and to the left”
He thanked her and climbed up the creaky stairs, wondering if this was such a good idea. She didn’t take anything seriously; she could ruin the entire mission! He thought about killing her off as well, but quickly shook that thought out of his head. You’re supposed to be helping ponies. Besides, she’s not that bad that’s she’ll jeopardize the whole mission with one dumb move, I’ll just need to talk to her a little. Confidence renewed, he walked down the hallway, looking for Pinkie’s room. When he heard a mare making baby noises, he guessed it was her.
When he walked into the room, Pinkie Pie jumped back from the crib that she was dancing for and gasped dramatically, “BRASSY! What are YOU doing here!?”
Kal rolled his eyes, “Eh, yes Pinkie, I’m here”
“Ooh, ooh, ooh! Are you here to play games with me? I have this new game that-” she squealed excitedly.
Kal attempted to interrupt, “Pinkie”
“is really really REALLY fun! It’s called yuker! It’s a card game with four people and it’s really fun and-” she continued, oblivious to Kal.
Kal sighed, “Pinkie!”
“it’s almost as fun as looking through the comments on-” she continued, still extremely bubbly.
I am NOT putting up with this. “PINKIE PIE! I swear to Celestia that if you do not shut your mouth I’ll break out the chloroform, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!?”
Pinkie stopped and nodded her head, even though she didn’t know what chloroform was, “My lips are sealed! What do you wanna talk about, Brassy!?”
As she bounced around excitedly (At least not TALKING now), Kal shut the door and walked over to her awkwardly, unsure of how he was going to start on the topic, “Pinkie, there’s something I need to tell you, but you HAVE to keep it a secret-”
She bounced around excitedly as she interrupted him, “A secret!? Ooh, I love secrets! What’s the secret? What’s the secret!?”
Kal sighed, “Well, I don’t know how to approach this Pinkie, but I’m going to be killing somepony tonight, and I don’t want you to be surprised when you hear about it”
Pinkie stopped mid-air and frowned, “You’re…killing somepony?”
Kal felt guilt surge through his body in the form of a shudder before he nodded, “Yes…and I’m telling you so that you don’t freak out about it. Believe me, I wouldn’t be killing him if I could possibly complete the mission without doing it”
He paused before continuing, not noticing that tears started to slowly well up in her eyes, “If I don’t kill him, he’s going to get a picture of me, and the crime family will kill me. So don’t feel bad about this, it’s-”
Pinkie cut him off by bursting out crying, “WAAAH!”
She startled Kal as she ran out the door into the bathroom down the hall. He ran after her to try to comfort her.
“Pinkie,” He didn’t know what he was going to say, but whatever it was, he was going to say it, “I promise you, the only reason I’m doing this is because it keeps other ponies safe. That’s the only reason I ever kill anypony, because they’re being mean to somepony else”
She sniffed, and looked into his eyes. Before she could say anything, he surprised her by hugging her tightly. She was so sad, but this moment was so happy for her, she didn’t know what to think. Ponies rarely hugged HER, and if they did, it was usually Mrs. Cake.
“Brassy…” She said in between spasms, “I…I promise I won’t tell anypony…but can you tell me who?”
He smiled warmly and nuzzled her affectionately. She generally annoyed him, but he could tell that this happy-go-lucky filly rarely ever had to deal with death, and she was generally a happy mare. He was the one who brought her to this polar opposite state of mind, so it was his duty to fix it.
He shushed her sobs gently, trying to calm her down, “The chief of police is being paid off by the crime family to look the other way about certain things. He’s gonna get a picture of me so that the mob can send it’s own assassin to take me out. If that happens, all will be lost here in Ponyville”
She calmed down now, though she was still sniffing and her mane was straight down and hanging as opposed to curly and poofy, “Well, I guess that’s ok…”
He nodded and finished his long hug with her.
After a long, awkward pause, her mane returned to normal, “Do you wanna try out some new muffins I made, I- Oh wait, you had to tell Rainbow and Fluttershy, I forgot!”
He quirked up an eyebrow, “How did you know I was going to be telling them as opposed to Rarity or Applejack?”
“It’s all in the script, silly!” She said as she was hurriedly pushing him out the door before he could protest.
He sighed and chuckled after he was pushed out of sugarcube corner, “Never thought I’d meet an omniscient party pony”
He took to the air, deciding that he would find Rainbow next. He would try her home first, but it was apparent that she generally napped on some cloud or in some tree for part of her morning.
After checking her house (And seeing that there was a TURTLE there that wasn’t falling straight through the clouds, which was weird), he shrugged and touched down next to the park. He would find her here somewhere, but for now, he’d ask around about her.
(Ponyville park)
He asked several ponies if they knew where Rainbow was, and none of them had any clue. He wished that if she was going to nap for part of the day, she should at least nap in consistent places every day.
As he went on down the path, he saw Lyra and Bon-Bon sitting on a bench together, a different bench from before, but in the same area. He yelped and reflexively dove into the bushes, only to hit his head on a small tree. When he did that, Rainbow Dash herself fell out of the tree and into the bushes with him. What are the odds of that?
“Hey what gives!? I was tak-” she fumed before he cut her off.
“Shush!” his voice was down to a whisper, “Please, Rainbow, I know we’re not the best of friends but this is really important. Get down, now”
She rolled her eyes and sat in the bushes with him, “What are you doing?”
“I need to befriend those two so I can get to know their father, and they already think I’m weird. I need to find some way to talk to them, Rainbow, any suggestions?” He muttered almost inaudibly.
She sighed, “Just go up and TALK to them you stalker, that’s probably the best way to pick up a filly”
He cringed, he didn’t think he would end up dating her, but it was an unwelcome possibility in his mind, “I’m not trying to pick up anypony! I just need to talk to them for now, that’s all”
She giggled, “You suuure about that?”
He rolled his eyes at her immaturity, and then he came up with an idea, “Rainbow, can you do me a huuuge favor?”
She smirked, “Only if you do ME a favor in the future”
He sighed, “Fine, fine, just go make a distraction over there and come get me when I’m done talking to them, I need to talk to you about something urgent after this as well”
She nodded; this was just like when she played capture the flag in PE as a young filly, except it wasn’t in the clouds, and they probably couldn’t die if they fell. He carefully positioned himself in the bushes near the path so that he could nonchalantly enter the crowd. Rainbow gave him the signal and he was off. She did a few amazing, death defying tricks in the park involving curls, flips, and twirls.
Everypony around stood in awe, gawking at the spectacular performance in front of them. Kal mimicked them, trying to fit in when he slowly strode right next to the two who didn’t notice him there. When Rainbow saw that he was at the bench, she flew off and watched Kal from a distance.
Kal was still pretend-surprised when he decided to catch the mares off guard this time, “Who WAS that!?”
They whipped their heads back, not expecting a pony to be standing right next to them, before Lyra said, “Oh, uh, that was Rainbow Dash”
“Wow, she’s a pretty good flier, I wish I could fly like she could!” he faked enthusiasm.
Bon-Bon smiled, “She does a LOT of training, she’s been trying to get into the Wonderbolts her whole life!”
Kal grinned; he had struck up a conversation with them. He kept the conversation going, not wanting it to end because he could tell the two were liking him more and more by the minute. They talked for about 10 minutes before he brought up the question he had been thinking about for the past few days.
“So,” he made them feel comfortable with a kind grin, “are you two going to Pinkie’s party tomorrow?”
The two exchanged glances, “Party? She never told us”
This was just as he had planned, “Oh, it’s a drinking party, are you two over 18?”
Lyra smiled mischievously as Bon-Bon frowned and sighed, “Shut up Lyra…”
Lyra smugly continued the conversation for her, “I’m 18, but li’l Bon-Bon here’s only 17”
Bon-Bon rolled her eyes at the baby noises Lyra was making and shrugged, “I guess I’m not going”
Pinkie wasn’t actually throwing a party tomorrow, but Kal knew that he could convince Pinkie to, “Nope! I’m not leaving anypony behind! A little drinking never hurt anypony! Do you two wanna come with me? I doubt I’ll be talking with many ponies, and I tend to get drunk kind of easily”
The two looked at each other before giggling mischievously, a handsome (Although somewhat weird) stallion was taking them out to a drinking party. They nodded in unison, unable to contain their laughter.
He smiled, “Alright, I’ll see you at…Bon-Bon’s house?”
Lyra frowned, “Oh, no, we’ll meet at my house. Bon-Bon’s dad doesn’t like visitors, and he ESPECIALLY won’t like some colt with his daughter”
Oh, really? I wonder why. “Aaaw, alright then. I’ll meet you two at Lyra’s house at around…eight?”
They nodded in conformation and he started walking away, proud that he had finally gotten a social foothold with them. Ha! I knew I could do it! Tony Bon will be gone in NO time! He grinned to himself at the satisfying thought.
He walked along the path and almost forgot that Rainbow was supposed to meet up with him when she landed right next to him, grinning evilly.
“So how’d it go, tiger?” She snickered.
He sighed and rolled his eyes, “Pretty good. But, hey, I need to talk to you about something else. C’mon, I’ll tell you on the way to Fluttershy’s cottage.
(Fluttershy’s cottage, a few minutes later)
Rainbow seemed like she was much more understanding about this than Pinkie Pie had been, “Well, I guess that’s fine. If he’s gonna kill you, it’s only fair, right?”
He smiled, “Exactly”
Rainbow yawned loudly as they reached Fluttershy’s cottage, “Well, I ought to go back to napping, see you later!”
Kal stopped her, “Wait! I, er, need your help again”
Rainbow rolled her eyes, “What is it now?”
Kal seemed like he was really embarrassed, “Well, Fluttershy won’t talk to me, and I need SOMEPONY to help me, this is a really delicate conversation”
She giggled a little, much to his dismay, “Alright, I’ll tell her the situation”
He shook his head, “I just need you to get her out here, I’ll handle the rest”
Before he could stop her, Rainbow was already trotting towards the house, “Fluttershy probably won’t warm up to you for a few weeks, ESPECIALLY after this. I don’t think I could get her outside so that she could talk to a trained killer. She needs one of her close friends to handle this delicately with her. Now go before she sees you”
He sighed and walked away. Rainbow is a nice filly; maybe we just got off on the wrong hoof. I’ll have to thank her for this later. He headed back towards town; he was going to have to go back to Pinkie Pie to ask her to throw that alcoholic party.
(Sugarcube corner)
When he got to sugarcube corner, he decided he would get some lunch. He asked Pinkie if she wanted to join him and she happily said yes. They ate at sugarcube corner before Kal decided to bring it up to Pinkie.
Kal knew how to deal with her by now, so he made his eyes go extremely wide and he jumped up and down in mock excitement, “Oh, oh, oh, Pinkie! Pinkie! Could you do me a huuuge super duper favor pretty pleeeaaase?”
Pinkie gasped dramatically, “What, what, what!?”
Kal smiled happily, “Can you pleeeaaase throw an alcoholic party tomorrow night! I invited these girls to a party and that would be reeeaaally cool!”
Pinkie almost hit her head on the ceiling from jumping so high out of her seat, “Sure! Alcohol? We’ll serve alcohol! We’ll serve all kinds! Just make sure no kids come, okay!?”
Kal smiled widely, showing his teeth, “Of COURSE I won’t Pinkie! I just wanna get to know Lyra and Bon-Bon better!”
She giggled, “Alrightalrightalrightalrightalrightalright, let’s get to planning this PARTY!”
After she zoomed up into her room, Kal sighed. Wow, Kal, manipulating your friends, that’s a new low. Kal’s eyes went wide when he smacked himself harshly with his hoof. She is NOT my friend; I need her for the mission! His other hoof got him right on the snout this time. Oh shut up! You know as well as I do that these ponies have showed you more hospitality than anypony else you’ve ever met. He scowled harshly at himself. What about Luna? She raised me! Kal rolled his eyes angrily. She doesn’t count, she-
Mrs. Cake was watching him smack himself from behind the counter, “Er, are you alright there, dear?”
Broken out of his trance, Kal blinked and stared at her for a few moments, before finally responding, “Oh, uh, yeah. Sorry, I’m just talking to myself”
He smiled sheepishly and blushed before averting her gaze and trotting off after Pinkie. Now you’re turning into a schizophrenic AND a friend manipulating dick! Nice going, Kal. Real smooth. Kal didn’t bother answering himself that time, partially because he wanted to avoid confrontation, and partially because he knew he was right.
(Twilight’s library)
After Kal was done planning the party with Pinkie, he decided to go home. It had taken them hours to plan everything, because Pinkie INSISTED that everything be taken into account. He didn’t enjoy it, but he felt like he owed it to her after what he did to her. He had gotten free dinner out of it, at least, Mrs. Cake had brought them both some hayburgers to munch on while they planned.
When he arrived at the library, it was pretty late, so he decided to gear up for the assassination. He saw the look on Twilight and Spike’s faces as he walked past. He couldn’t help himself from stopping and trying to explain it better.
He sighed, “Twilight, I-”
Twilight cut him off, “I know, Kal. You’re a better pony than anypony I’ve ever met. You’re willing to do the job that nopony else wants to do, and you do it well. Don’t feel guilty about this, you’re a national hero behind the scenes”
He was astounded at Twilight’s view on the issue, “Thanks”
Spike spoke up to him, “I’m sorry about this morning, I was just surprised, that’s all”
Kal chuckled and looked at Shining, who nodded. Kal sighed and walked over to find his stuff. He already had a plan of attack; he had a special chemical that would make it look like the victim was having a heart attack. Just in case, though, he had a plan B. He had his butterfly knife if things got hairy.
“Shiny, I need a cleanup crew to be ready, just in case things don’t go as planned” he said in a commanding tone.
Shining nodded and walked out the door, the royal guard had a special base of operations in Ponyville, it was just hidden. Kal suited up and was about to go on his way when a voice stopped him.
He turned around to see Twilight smiling warmly in an attempt to reassure him, “Good luck, Kal”
He grinned, “You don’t need luck when you got guns like THESE!”
He flexed his front legs and Twilight giggled. He chuckled a little before exiting the room.
(The chief’s house)
Kal jumped from roof to roof, clad in a dark black combat suit and a balaclava. He jumped quickly and quietly, and he was nearly impossible to see. Eventually, he got to the chief’s roof and searched all around for an open window. He didn’t see any, so he decided that he would just have to pick the lock.
He leapt down to the ground silently, which was near impossible with noisy hooves. He took out a lock pick and easily opened the back door. He tiptoed his way through the house, up to the chief’s room where he found him sleeping. He slowly moved over, inch by inch, not wanting to wake him.
He readied the vile of the chemical and was about to go in for the kill, when he saw the chief’s dog, which was about to wake up. Frantically, he pulled out his rag of chloroform and put it over the dog’s snout right before he was about to bark. Unfortunately, the loud ‘thump’ noise from the large dog falling over woke up the chief. The chief rolled over to the other side of the bed and took out a knife he had hidden under it. Kal flicked his knife open and smirked evilly.
The chief narrowed his eyes, “I should’ve known you’d come…ASSASSIN”
Kal rolled his eyes, “I should’ve known you’d be corrupt. Power is an evil thing that can make good ponies do bad things. Unfortunately for you, though, doing bad things is my job”
The chief lunged at Kal, who dodged and slashed the chief’s stomach. The chief howled in pain, but continued fighting. Kal dodged his attacks and countered with gruesome stabs. The chief was bigger than he was, and could therefore take more hits than him. Kal realized he needed to end this fast, or the neighbors would come by. He stabbed the chief in the heart once, then in the throat twice. The chief stumbled over and collapsed next to his bed, blood gushing from every slash and stab Kal had made. He sighed and looked at the mess he had made, blood was EVERYWHERE. Some of it even spilled onto the sleeping dog. Kal decided that it would be best if he got out of there as quickly as possible. He left out of the back door and snuck away, as some of his neighbors who had heard the ruckus were knocking on the door to see what had happened.
(Twilight’s library)
When he got back, he saw Shining waiting patiently for his friend to return, “How’d it go, Kal?”
Kal frowned, “I had to use my knife, the dumb dog woke him up, and now all of his neighbors know what happened”
Shining sighed, “Should I send cleanup out there, then?”
“No,” Kal seemed to be expecting that question, “that will make it look suspicious. We’ll just have to make it look like there was some murderer who killed him, or maybe that it was the crime family”
Twilight walked down the stairs and saw that Kal had blood all over his suit, “Uh, Kal? Maybe you should wash all that off before you do anything else”
He looked down and smiled sheepishly, not realizing that his suit had splashes of dark crimson all over it, “Er, right, I’ll go do that”
Shining and Twilight rolled their eyes as they went off to bed. Kal carefully took off his combat suit and hoof-scrubbed every last trace of blood from them. The suit covered practically his entire body, so none of it had spilled onto his coat.
He was tired after everything he had done today, and decided it was time for a nice, long sleep. He had a pretty good dream involving a mountain of hay bacon and a sea of vodka.
The socially awkward assassin
(Twilight’s library)
“Suit ironed, mane combed, shower taken…” Kal went through the checklist of things he needed to do for the party.
Twilight giggled at his lack of party experience before walking into the bathroom. Kal took this opportunity to talk to Shining alone.
He smiled, “She’s probably going to get drunk, I doubt she’ll do well with alcohol”
Shining chuckled, “I know, I know, I’ll take her home. But you’ll probably have to take Bon-Bon home, if she’s 17”
Kal nodded, “That’s what I’m planning on. I’ll act like I’m drunk while she’s drunk and I’ll try to get some information out of her”
Shining grinned mischievously, “That might not be the only thing you get out of her”
Kal was confused as to what his friend was inferring, but he glared at Shining when he knew what he meant, “I plan on staying a virgin after tonight, Shining”
Shining laughed loudly as Twilight walked out, excited to be going to a semi-formal Pinkie party for once. Plus she was curious of the appeal of alcohol, due to the fact that she read about how it influenced some cultures.
Shining stopped his laughter, “Hey isn’t it time you got to your dates?”
Kal frowned, “They’re not my dates…they’re my victims. Or, at least Bon-Bon is, I doubt Lyra knows much”
Shining rolled his eyes, “Just get going, Romeo, you don’t wanna be late”
(Lyra’s house)
After a few minutes he arrived at Lyra’s house, almost exactly at eight. He was two minutes early when he walked up to the door. He heard giggling and girlish talking inside, so he could tell that they were excited to be going.
He knocked on the door and heard laughter inside, “C-come in hahaha!”
He pushed the door open and saw the two mares rolling on the floor in laughter. They stopped most of their laughing when they saw him. They had done their manes and coats, making them almost shine in light, and they wore fashionable saddles lined with various colors of jewels.
He smiled, not wanting their good moment to end, as they might let information slip more liberally, “Do you two need a moment?”
They giggled at his charm, “No, no, we’re fine”
(On the way to Pinkie’s party)
“Do you two drink much alcohol?” He inquired, wanting to start a decent conversation with them before they got there.
The two fillies exchanged glances before Bon-Bon spoke, “No, but I have had some from time to time…my dad is kind of an alcoholic, it helps him deal with his job”
Kal put on a comforting grin, “Why, what does he do for a living?”
“He sells rugs,” Lyra stated bluntly and almost reflexively.
“Oh, I see,” Kal wanted to move to a topic that would be more comfortable for them before he approached that delicate topic again, “I never knew my father. My mother raised me in poverty for half of my life”
When he heard them “Aaaw” him sadly in unison, he knew he had the conversation in his hooves.
Lyra frowned, “I’m so sorry”
He waved his hoof nonchalantly, “No, it’s alright, I don’t need sympathy. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, am I right?”
Bon-Bon smiled, admiring his fake strength of character, “It can be kind of strange for me with my dad’s job. He always has to go make rug deals all around Equestria, and I have to hang back for my own safety. Apparently Equestria is too dangerous for his little filly”
Correction; He always has to go make DRUG deals. “I think you could at least stick up for yourself. You should tell him that you’re a mare and that you want to see Equestria while you’re still young!”
The two fillies grinned at his confident attitude; “I guess I never put it to him like that!”
(Sugarcube corner)
They talked excitedly all the way to sugarcube corner, Kal was excited not just for the amount of intelligence he would gather from this, but the fact that there was an entire party full of ALCOHOL. He had been facing symptoms of withdrawal lately, and he had wanted some decent vodka for the past few days.
He smiled at the two who looked in awe at the selection, “Do either of you two fillies need a drink?”
They nodded at him contently and giggled a little, “Alright then, I’ll be right back!”
He bought five bottles of whiskey in total; he wanted to get them as drunk as possible (Plus he wanted two or three for himself). They got a table and the two had bought some cupcakes from the snack bar.
As they held a conversation through the booming music, he could hear that they were getting more and more drunk with each sip. He mimicked them so that they wouldn’t feel out of place, and so that he could get information out of them easier. He tried to discreetly ask them questions, but it was difficult through the booming music. After a while, they wanted to get on the dance floor.
He sighed, knowing that he would have to do the same, despite how embarrassing it would be. As he pretended to walk onto the floor drunkenly, he got a headache from being too close to the loud music. He danced awkwardly, feeling uncomfortably out of place the entire time. By this point in the party, however, most other ponies were drunk as well, so he would have actually stood out more by dancing normally.
He thought of how he could get Bon-Bon alone, he needed to talk to her without any distractions. He thought of a brilliant idea soon, however. He danced over to Pinkie, whose face was flushed red.
“Hey, Pinkie, great party! Can I use your room?” he yelled over DJ-PON3’s music.
She nodded and hiccupped in conformation. Through the crowd he got Bon-Bon’s attention and lured her into Pinkie’s room, after shutting the door.
Still pretending to be drunk, he asked her about her father, “Ha! Huh-*hic*-hey Bon! Wh-huh-*hic*-What’s yer father duh-*hic*-do again?”
She giggled through her hiccups, “My daddy isn’t huh-*hic*-here”
Before he could respond, she tackled him onto Pinkie’s bed and kissed him. He was shocked and couldn’t say anything. He looked down and groaned. Fine time to get a boner, Kal. Right when you’ve got a horny mare on you who you need to interrogate.
Kal stuttered, knowing that he needed to get her home, he couldn’t interrogate her while she tried to hump him, “L-look Bon-Bon, I’m not into the whole-”
She growled seductively and nibbled on his ear, “Yuh-*hic*-You’re mine now”
He gently pushed her off, “C’mon, let’s get you home”
Disappointed, he led her down the stairs and back into the party. He needed to find Lyra before he went anywhere.
Lying in the middle of the dance floor was Lyra. She was sleeping, but nopony seemed to notice as they were all dancing around her.
Kal sighed and rolled his eyes as he went to pick her up, “I don’t get paid enough for this. Why did I think this was a good idea?”
(Ponyville streets)
He led the girls through the dark streets at about one in the morning. He needed to get them home soon so that he could just go to bed.
As he walked down the streets, he walked into a back alley as a shortcut, when he noticed three or four shady looking colts, “Que es, esse?”
One of them laughed mischievously, “Che, boludo! ”
Kal rolled his eyes, “Calléte pendejos, ve ahora”
They all laughed evilly as they approached him. Alrighty then, horny gang members. What a winning combination.
Without another word, he set Lyra down on the ground where Bon-Bon had tipped over. He bucked the leader right in the snout and proceeded on beating down the rest. He smashed two of their heads together and flipped one onto his back. He head butted the next one and gave him a bloody nose. They hadn’t even gotten a single hit on him by the time he was finished massacring them. Bruised and bloody, they cowardly fled from the alley they were hanging out in after that.
He picked Lyra up again and led Bon-Bon out of the alley nonchalantly. In her hazy state of mind, she didn’t seem to understand what had just happened.
(Bon-Bon’s house)
When Bon-Bon led him to her house (Which was difficult because she had no idea where she was going), he was more than a little annoyed. He didn’t get much information out of her, and here he was, escorting two drunken mares home. One of them was knocked out cold and the other wanted to buck him. He knocked on the door and a tall stallion with angry eyes answered.
His glared angrily as he saw a colt with Bon-Bon, “Get in here”
Kal wasn’t fully comfortable with the fact that he could see the pistol strapped to the stallion’s front leg, “Oh, no, I’m just here to bring Bon-Bon home”
“Now” the colt growled as he puffed out his chest threateningly.
Kal sighed and led Bon-Bon in with Lyra on his back when he saw a little over a dozen armed colts stare at him.
One of them called into the basement of the house, “’ey boss, Bon-Bon’s home!”
He heard running from downstairs and his heart stopped. Am I seriously gonna meet THE boss?
Sure enough, the boss himself, Tony Bon emerged hastily and furiously from the door and glared right at him, “You”
Kal’s fight or flight reflex was blaring as he set Lyra down on the ground, “M-me, sir?”
Tony walked right up to Kal, “What’d you do to my daughter!?”
Kal remembered when he went to Griffington, the capital of the Griffin Empire; this was almost exactly the same scenario. Except it was the entire Griffin army. And he was tied up. And he was right above a vat of acid. When he thought about it more, he realized it was nothing like Griffington.
Kal stuttered a little, unsure as to what he should say, “N-nothing sir, we were at a party, and-”
He was cut off by Tony, “Did you two have sex!?”
Kal hadn’t been expecting that question at all, “I swear I- Wait, what?”
Tony impatiently repeated, “Sex, did you two have sex, buck face?”
Kal blinked, “Er, no sir. These two mares got drunk at the party and I brought them home. I swear I didn’t do anything like that to either of them”
Tony glared, “You’d better not have, or else I’ll have you DEAD”
Kal was a little overwhelmed by the whole scenario, “I protected our daughter, sir”
Tony was about to continue when Kal’s words sunk in, “What did you just say?”
Kal didn’t mean to blurt that out, but it was a safety mechanism in his brain; he did the same thing whenever Luna was angry with him, “I led Bon-Bon and Lyra from the party, and there was this back alley. These thugs tried to take them but I stopped them, sir”
Tony’s eyes went from angry to curious when he heard Kal’s elaboration, “Why’d you bring them home? I’ve never heard her talk about you…”
Kal grinned sheepishly, “I asked them if they wanted to come to a party yesterday, sir. They said yes, so I took them from Lyra’s house at eight”
Tony’s eyes narrowed, “I didn’t know she was going to a party…”
Kal tried to explain an excuse, “Well, when I heard about you, I assumed it was fine with you that she was going. Would you like me to consult you in the future?”
Tony’s eyes were slowly shifting back to angry, “Future?”
Kal tried and failed to remain calm, “W-well, I’m friends with her by now I think. We’ll probably, er, hang out in the future sometime”
Tony sighed, “Alright, MAKE SURE she’s checked with me whenever you’ll all be doin’ anythin’”-Tony turned to walk away but turned back to him-“An’ if you do anythin’ funny to her in the future…”
Tony pointed to his armed guards as Kal nodded, “Yes sir, I won’t be doing anything like that, sir”
As he was about to walk away, Kal felt guilty about leaving Bon-Bon there to argue with her father, so he conjured up his best lie to help her out in the inevitable argument between them, “Wait! Uh, sir, if I may, I think it’s apparent you two are gonna argue, but I just thought I’d let you know something. Bon-Bon thinks the world of you, and no matter what she says, just know that in her heart, she truly does love you”
Tony opened his mouth to protest, but no words came out. He chuckled and smiled warmly at Kal.
“Thanks a lot, kid,” He said as Kal winked at him and walked away.
I can’t BELIEVE that worked. I guess even mob bosses like corny stuff.
(Twilight’s library, a few minutes later)
As he arrived back at the library, he noticed the lights were on, so he knew that Shining was waiting for him. He walked through the door and didn’t see Twilight or Spike anywhere, which meant it was safe to speak freely about things.
He didn’t bother to look behind him; he knew Shining was there, “How’d it go? I saw you two went up to Pinkie’s room”
Kal rolled his eyes, “Bon-Bon pretty much tried to rape me when I wanted to interrogate her”
Shining stifled a laugh so that he wouldn’t wake up Twilight, “Sounds like you had a lovely evening”
Kal turned around, grinning, “Indeed I did. I met the boss himself”
Shining’s eyes went wide, “What happened!?”
“He told me not to buck his daughter,” he stated bluntly, “and basically that if I did, I’d be dead come morning”
Shining chuckled, “Fun. I’ll go report this to the royal guard. Now that we know where he is, I think we’re on the fast track”
As Shining was about to leave, he added nonchalantly, “Oh, and by the way, I’m leaving for Canterlot tomorrow”
Once the words sunk in, Kal turned around to protest, but Shining wasn’t there. He sighed and rolled his eyes. That’s not good. That’s reeeaaally not good.
He decided to approach Shining about it in the morning, but for now, he would have a nice long rest.
Kal woke up the next day at half past noon. He stumbled into the kitchen to get something to eat, and made himself a nice bowl of fruity pony-bites. As he chewed, he slowly remembered everything that happened last night, finally ending on the memory of Shining saying he was going to leave. Can’t have THAT, now can we?
He finished his bowl and went upstairs. He was just going to wake Shining up and tell him that he can’t leave for another six or seven weeks. Kal had made it clear in the past that regardless of anything, Shining was his personal bitch. Shining rolled his eyes whenever Kal said that.
When Kal climbed to the top of the steps, his jaw hit the floor. Two suitcases were neatly packed right next to his bed, ready to be taken back to Canterlot.
Kal’s eyes went wide as he violently shook Shining, “Shiny, wake up!”
Shining woke up, disoriented, “Woah, what, what, what!?”
Kal was almost panicking, “Shiny, you can’t leave! Just stay here for a little while longer, I’ll need help with Tony!”
Shining frowned and glared at Kal, “You woke me up for that?”
Kal rolled his eyes, “This is important, you know! You can’t just abandon me here!”
“Can and will” Shining said as he rolled back over to get some sleep.
Kal punched Shining as hard as he could, “Get up fatty! This is no time to be lazy!”
Shining groaned angrily, “Wow you’re really clingy sometimes, you know that? Look, I was ordered by Celestia to come back to Canterlot. I told you I would spend a FEW days here with you to help you fit in. Now that your mission is kick-started, my job is done, and I can go back to work. So leave me be and let me go back to sleep!”
Kal sighed, he knew his friend was right, but he couldn’t believe it, “When is the chariot coming?”
“One in the afternoon” came the rather grumpy response.
Kal smirked mischievously, “Your chariot will arrive in 15 minutes”
When the words sunk into his brain, Shining sat up instantly, “Oh no”
(Ponyville, a few minutes later)
“Man, you are WEIRD! Why do you have to be early for everything?” Kal teased his friend.
Shining replied angrily through a bite of toast, “That’s how the world WORKS, now come on, I need to show you something”
Shining led Kal into a back alley and knocked on the door, only to hear a voice from inside speak, “Password”
“Royalty first” Shining responded almost reflexively.
They heard a click and the door opened, “That’s the password, Kal, don’t forget it”
(Royal guard HQ)
They walked through the door and found a massive underground room with computers and ponies in suits walking around, “Woah, what is this place, Shiny?”
“This is the royal guard’s headquarters in Ponyville,” Shining said as he walked towards a big office.
Kal blinked, he hadn’t expected something THIS big to be in a hick town like Ponyville, “Er, and why exactly are we here?”
“Tell nopony about this. It’s a secret kept to the grave, and you’re in command of all of this when I leave. You need a cleanup crew, you need reinforcements, you need anything, talk to the pony in this office” Shining responded hastily as he walked through the office door.
The pony sitting at the desk looked up and smiled, “Is this him, Armor?”
“Yes, this is him. Kal I’d like to introduce you to Hans, you’ll be working with him while you deal with the royal guard here in Ponyville,” Shining said quickly as he started walking towards the door, “I’ll let him fill you in on everything, I have to go, see you later!”
Everything was quiet for a moment when the door shut, before Kal finally spoke, “Hans? You don’t look like a foreigner to me”
“It’s my cover name”-Hans transformed from a regular pony into a changeling-“I’m the only changeling to ever defect from the Royal guard of Chrysalis”
Kal was speechless, but Hans chuckled a bit and changed back, “Changelings don’t have names, they have numbers. We had to give me some sort of name when I joined, so I chose Hans”
Kal shrugged, “Well, best of luck to you then…Hans”
Hans cleared his throat professionally, “I’ll be helping you for your time here in Ponyville. If you need somepony to help you with reconnaissance, just call me, I can be suited up in no time”
Kal sighed, “I miss Shiny already…”
Hans frowned, “I assure you I’m just as good as Armor, Mr. Kalibur”
Kal rolled his eyes, “First off, I hate it when ponies call me mister or sir. Call me Kal, no need for formalities right now. Second off, Hans? Really? That’s gonna bug me a LOT when we work together. Somepony here needs a new nickname. Third off, it’s not that I doubt your skills, it’s that I’m gonna miss my friend”
Hans straightened up, “He may stop in every now and then, who knows?”
After a long silence, Kal decided to change the subject, “I need some men to watch two buildings non-stop. One is a safe house of some sort, the one that the chief visited. Did Shiny tell you about that?”
Hans nodded, “Yes, he did, he tells me everything that goes on with you two. What’s the second building?”
Kal smiled, relieved that he wouldn’t have to tell this pony EVERYTHING that he had done in the past few days, “The second building is the most important; it’s where I met Tony Bon last night”
Hans’ jaw dropped to the floor, “You MET him last night?”
Kal nodded, “I’m slowly making my way on the inside by befriending his daughter”
Hans grinned mischievously, “Oh you devil you”
Kal rolled his eyes, “I don’t plan on dating her right now, Changy. As far as I’m concerned we’re friends for now”
Hans frowned, “Changy?”
“Probably your new nickname” Kal stated bluntly.
Hans chuckled, as he was unsure that he would like THAT kind of nickname, “That seems like it’s a little offensive”
Kal rolled his eyes, “I’m not exactly the most politically correct pony, Changy”
Hans dropped his playful face and put on a businesslike one as he took out a notepad, “Can you write down the addresses then, please?”
Kal wrote down the two addresses, “When do you think we’ll be able to get intelligence from these?”
Hans shrugged, “A day or two, we’ll try to set up the microphones as soon as possible, but as you know that isn’t easy with armed guards everywhere. I’ll have stakeouts set up all around the perimeter by the end of today, though”
Kal nodded, “Well, I’d better be off, I’ll leave you to your work, Changy”
(Ponyville park)
Kal left the headquarters and headed to the Ponyville park. He didn’t have anything on his agenda today, so he decided to wander around and enjoy the day for once. Of course, whenever he “didn’t have anything on his agenda,” it meant that something was about to force its way onto his schedule. That’s pretty much what happened every time he took a walk.
His puttering around was cut short as expected by an angry and hung over Lyra making a beeline to him, “Kal!”
Great, another angry pony. At least she’s not making death threats. “I’ll KILL you if you did anything to Bon-Bon!” I stand corrected.
“Er, I didn’t do anything sexual, if that’s what you mean” Kal responded, unsure of what to say.
“You got us both drunk, then you took us home. How could you NOT have done anything sexual!?” came the angry response.
“For your information, Bon-Bon tried to rape ME and I didn’t let her. I also stopped your drunken flanks from getting raped by some foreigners in a gang,” Kal stated bluntly.
Lyra tilted her head curiously, “You say you…protected us?”
Kal rolled his eyes, “I was carrying you and Bon-Bon back to Bon-Bon’s house, I went through a back alley, these guys tried to rape you both, I beat the tar out of them”
Lyra’s eyes narrowed, “Maybe Bon-Bon was right…”
Kal sighed, “What was Bon-Bon right about?”
Lyra avoided eye contact with the colt opposite her, “She said she remembers you beating some ponies up”
The two didn’t talk for a few moments before Lyra spoke again, “I’m sorry for accusing you. It just seemed suspicious, that’s all”
Kal chuckled, “Yeah, I know. It also seems suspicious that her father threatened me with death and pointed to a few angry ponies with guns in the room”
Lyra cringed, “He just pays for body guards, that’s all”
Kal held back a laugh and decided to change the subject, “Where’s Bon-Bon? I don’t think I saw her today”
Lyra giggled, “She got grounded for not telling her dad about the party”
“Ouch, did they argue much?” Kal asked, legitimately curious of if what he said to her father helped.
“Yeah, but it wasn’t TOO bad. Sometimes it gets really awful when they argue” came the casual response.
Lyra seemed to be avoiding this question, but it slipped out eventually, “How bad were we at holding our alcohol?”
Kal chuckled, “You two shared a bottle and you were out like a light”
She blushed, “I just turned 18, so it’s not my fault!”
“Do you wanna go hang out or something? I’m kind of bored” And I wanna get closer to you two.
Lyra frowned, “No, I’m swinging by Bon-Bon’s to see if I can vouch for her, I wanna go see a movie with her”
Kal was really interested now, “I can help! Her dad didn’t seem to like me, but he’ll at least listen to me!”
Lyra rolled her eyes and started walking away, “I don’t think so, Romeo. You’re lucky her dad didn’t just punch you on the spot”
Kal called after her, “But he didn’t! That’s all that matters, right?”
Bollocks, I let that one get away. Oh well, there’ll be plenty more opportunities; I think I’m good with Bon-Bon for now. Besides, I think I creeped her out a little bit there.
Kal heard a voice behind him, “Hey, Kal!”
Rainbow Dash zoomed up next to him, “You owe me a favor!”
“Huh? Oh, right,” Kal said as he remembered the events from before, “what do you want me to do, then?”
She smiled, happy to see that he wasn’t going to argue about it, “I need help with weather patrol, Johnson’s sick today, so I thought why not invite you!”
Kal frowned, “I don’t see how this is an invitation”
“Well, you volunteered!” she said rather defensively.
Kal rolled his eyes, “I’m being voluntold. Anyways, I’m not doing anything else today, so sure, let’s do it”
She perked back up, “Great! We’re planning a storm today, and we need help moving the clouds!”
(Above Ponyville)
“Alright, now everypony line up!” Rainbow said clutching a clipboard in a militaristic manner.
All the ponies lined up almost perfectly, flying at attention. Kal was familiar with this; this is what they did in basic training for the pegasi. They did this sort of thing when they were training in flying, except when you did that, you all had to flap your wings in unison.
Rainbow called out the last names of the pegasi, who called back “here” if they were there. Rainbow finally ended on Kal who yelled impressively loud. He didn’t think much of it, that’s what pegasi had to do in basic training, but he got a lot of confused looks from it.
“Alright! Now everypony knows their partners, right?” Rainbow called out to the line.
“Yes ma’am!” came the response from all but two.
“Oh, um, um,”-Derpy waved her hoof childishly-“My partner’s absent ma’am!”
Rainbow sighed, “Yes, Derpy, I got you a replacement, you’ll be working with Kal today”
Kal couldn’t help but facehoof in line, “You have GOT to be kidding me”
Everypony stared at him in line for a few moments before Rainbow answered him, “Er, don’t worry, Kal, Derpy’s not SO bad. If I see anything wrong, I’ll tell you”
Rainbow cleared her throat to speak again, “Alright! Speaking of which, you two should pick up some heavy storm clouds and head over to Twilight’s, she needs more rain so that her tree will get enough water to keep living. Understood?”
“Yes ma’am!” Kal responded sharply.
The two headed for the weather factory as Derpy tried conversation, “Hi! I remember you from the party!”
Kal sighed, “Er, yes, Derpy, I remember you too”
She giggled, “I remembered I was thinking, why are cupcakes called cupcakes? They’re not really in cups; they’re in those paper thingies!”
Kal couldn’t help but chuckle a little at that, “I think it’s because those paper thingies ARE the cups”
Her derped out eyes widened as her primitive mind raced, “Ooh! That makes some sense! Usually ponies don’t like it so much when I say things like that, but I just can’t help it!”
Kal grinned at the silly mare as they both took rain clouds, “Some ponies are just mean, Derpy. But I think part of it is most ponies don’t like muffins as much as you do, and you freak them out”
Derpy frowned as static from the rain cloud shocked her, “But I like muffins!”
“I gathered that,” Kal had painful memories of her making him the spotlight of the party, “but if you keep telling ponies, they won’t like you as much. Just don’t talk about muffins a lot, ponies might like you more”
Derpy smiled widely and shocked herself again, but she didn’t care because she liked this colt. He talks more betterer than before!
They moved along as Derpy joyfully hummed to herself. She had made a new friend today! Kal wasn’t as annoyed as he thought he would be with her. I guess she isn’t SO bad if you just humor her.
Kal carefully placed the large storm cloud right over the center of Twilight’s house. Derpy was in her own little world and didn’t notice that she was bouncing up and down on the cloud, causing it to shock her comically. Kal rolled his eyes as he took her to go get more.
When they were flying back to the cloud depot, Kal spotted something that he thought was more than a little fishy. Several large stallions with bulges in their jackets were in a circle around another pony, who was wearing a dark black hood. They were heading into the building where Shining and Kal had seen the chief speaking about Kal.
He saw a glimpse of the face of the pony in the center, but from his altitude, he couldn’t see any unique facial characteristics. The only thing he saw was that the pony had a yellow coat, the same color coat that Tony Bon had.
He gasped and flew as fast as his wings could take him to the HQ. Just when I thought my day was going to be somewhat NORMAL for once. Then again, it’s not every day you take command of a massive underground military headquarters.
The socially awkward assassin
Does that metal thingy talk too?
(Ponyville)
Kal was flying so fast that he didn’t even know where he was going at this point. The faster he flew the more time seemed to pass for him. He needed to tell Hans to suit up as fast as possible, or they’d miss their chance.
His flying was on autopilot as his mind raced about what was about to happen. Gotta tell him to get suited up, go back to the library to get some gear, get back. Plain and simple just gotta do this quickly.
Unfortunately for him, with his mind on other subjects aside from flying, he failed to remember that he can’t fly through metal doors. He smashed into the HQ door and comically fell to the ground, rubbing his head. Ow. That was smart, Kal.
He heard a voice from inside of the door, “Passwo-”
But he was in such a hurry he cut it off, “Royalty first, now open the damn door”
(Royal guard HQ)
The door opened slowly, much to Kal’s dismay, and he bolted in. He made for Hans’ office and ignored the ponies that stood at attention when he passed saying “Sir!” He charged in and felt stupid when he saw that Hans wasn’t there. Changy, I swear to Celestia, you had better be gone for a good reason.
He went up to the nearest pony he saw and frantically asked him if he knew where Hans was, to which the pony replied, “Hans is helping some of the guards set up positions around building alpha, sir!”
Kal grunted in annoyance, “Which one was building alpha!?”
The pony paused for a second, now sensing the urgency in Kal’s voice, “Er, the one where Tony was spotted, sir”
Kal groaned, Hans was at the wrong building, “Then this was just one big waste of time!? Gah!”
(Ponyville)
Without another word, he flew away from the confused pony and flew as fast as he could towards Twilight’s tree. He had to get his gear before Tony left; he wanted to get as much information as possible.
The doors burst open as he rushed past Twilight towards his pile of gear in the corner, “Hi-Twilight-Bye-Twilight”
When he left she just sat there, blinking, before returning to her book, “I don’t wanna know”
Kal gave Rainbow a run for her money at his speeds, before landing on the same stakeout roof as before. He sat there, panting, as he took out his binoculars. He looked the house over, but he was looking for something in particular. Aha! It’s still there! The tiny bolt-microphone from his crossbow was still embedded into the wall near the window. He took out the small device from before and switched it on.
A voice sighed, “I dunno, I’m worried about dat kid. She’s always keepin’ secrets from me, an’ I just wanna talk to her ‘bout it”
“Well, why don’t you just sit her down and tell her that? Maybe she’ll open up to you” the feminine voice offered sincerely.
“I’m not too sure about that, Enza, she din’t wanna talk to me earlier today. Lyra stopped by, but I was too stressed from Bon-Bon to listen to her. I just told her I wasn’t takin’ visitors today, but then she started’ whinin’ about how she wanted to see a movie with Bon-Bon, an’ I almost snapped” Tony said in a sad voice, clearly uncomfortable with the conversation.
“So what did you do, then? Surely you didn’t let her go out when she was GROUNDED?” the mare seemed appalled at the thought; “We need to teach our daughter DISCIPLINE, Tony. Just because she throws her little temper tantrums doesn’t mean we have to soften up on her about this”
Tony sighed, “Seems like we’re runnin’ outta options”
“HI THERE KAL!” a rather silly voice said from behind.
“Gah!” Kal shouted as he quickly drew a pistol at the flying, Derpy pegasus, stopping himself from pulling the trigger at the last second.
Yes, it was none other than Derpy, and he had to deal with her, “Derpy, get down! And stop being so loud!”
Derpy obeyed his harsh tone of voice and dropped down low, imitating him as he set his gun down next to him.
“Whatcha doing Kal?” she whispered cheerfully.
He rolled his eyes, “Nothing. Now stay down and don’t talk at all”
She tilted her head slightly, “Don’t talk at ALL?”
“Shh, yes!” he hissed.
“I want to meet that boy you told me ab-” the mare was cut off.
“What’s that thing?” Derpy chirped cheerfully, already forgetting that she wasn’t supposed to talk.
“Oh. My. Celestia. Derpy, if that snout of yours utters one more word”-Kal started shaking angrily-“I can’t be held responsible for what I do to you”
The two were silent for a few seconds before Tony’s voice started to speak again, “He’s not so bad, although I don’t trust ‘im. We just gotta be-”
He was interrupted by Kal this time, “Stop poking me, Derpy! This isn’t funny!”
“But you said I couldn’t talk! How come the metal thingy gets to talk and I don’t? It’s not fair” she pouted.
Kal gave his pistol a meaningful glance, with the are-you-seeing-this? look on his face. He contemplated what a relief it would be if he were to stick the gun in his mouth and ‘accidentally’ pull the trigger.
Derpy saw him staring at the gun for a few moments before she spoke again, “What’s THAT metal thingy? Does it talk to?”
Kal started shaking with anger, but then stopped, and put on his best cutesy eyes possible, “No, Derpy, it doesn’t talk. It yells sometimes, but it never talks” You’ve gotta deal with her nicely, or else she doesn’t leave you alone.
“Oh, ok then!” Derpy cheerfully said before lying on her back and looking at the sky with one of her eyes.
Kal let out a sigh of relief and focused on the conversation more, when he heard the mare talking to Tony say something else, “And is he dangerous? Does he do anything…bad, ever?”
“Well, he can’t be too bad if he protected both of the fillies” Tony stated bluntly.
The other voice sighed, “Yes, yes, that is true. Although are we really sure he-”
Kal couldn’t listen to the two voices anymore for some reason. Was he feeling regret that he was going to empty a seat at the dinner table for this loving family? Was he feeling sorry for Tony Bon about his situation with Bon-Bon? Was he finally growing soft?
He paused for a long while, trying to determine what was wrong, when he finally started listening to his thoughts, which he had tuned out.
Look at Derpy, look at Derpy, look at Derpy, look at Derpy, look at Derpy, look at Derpy.
He was confused as to why his subconscious was really so obsessed with the silly mare. Then he thought for a moment, and realized that she hadn’t talked for a few seconds.
That was probably pretty bad.
He blinked, and slowly turned around to see what the mare was doing, having to force himself to really WANT to know what stupid thing she was doing.
Derpy was curiously looking through the hole of the gun with one of her eyes. Oh, nothing to see there, she’s just being curious, that’s all.
His mind content from worrying, he looked back at his machine, then went wide-eyed in realization of what she was doing. Oh buck my life.
He turned around quickly and noticed that she was about to pull the trigger, “Gah! Derpy, no!”
He knocked it out of her hooves and into the alley nearby seconds before she finished the action. Upon its landing, they heard a loud popping sound, signifying that it had gone off when it landed.
“Derpy, why did you do that!? Our cover’s gonna be BLOWN because of what you did!” he spat, his face going red with anger.
“Er, Kal? It’s about to rain, we should-” she tried before she was interrupted.
“Can’t you get it through your thick, retarded little head not to mess with other ponies’ stuff!?”-Kal failed to notice that the derped-out eyes of the mare in front of him started to water-“You could have DIED because of your stupidity. You’ve RUINED what I’m doing, you’ve-”
He was interrupted when he noticed that she was quietly sobbing. His heart sank into his chest at that point. He couldn’t feel physical pain. He was trained not to feel pain at all, which was handy when he was being tortured at the hooves of his enemies. But this was the first time he felt complete, uncontrollable pain as his heart started to implode. His throat tied into a knot as he helplessly stared at the crying mare in front of him.
Almost on cue, thunder boomed in the sky, as if to say, “Hey, you down there! Yeah, you! You have no soul! Go tap-dance in a minefield!”
He failed to realize that thick storm clouds had covered the skies and that drops of water had just started to fall. One fell directly onto his little device and short-circuited it instantaneously. He sighed, and helped the crying mare back to Twilight’s. Looks like my listening in on them is over.
(Twilight's library)
He opened the door and gently helped her into a seat, softly reassuring her that everything was ok.
“Goodness, what happened to her?” Twilight rose from her seat and started hurriedly walking towards Derpy.
She tried to answer in between violent crying spasms, “I-I touched his stu-stuff and I dropped i-it and he to-told me I wuh-was bad and I cr-ied and-”
At this point, she was crying too hard to be understandable by the other two.
Kal hugged her tightly and nuzzled her affectionately, “No, Derpy. I was bad, you were good. I messed up, I was mean. I bullied you, it wasn’t your fault, Derpy. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you”
She stopped crying as hard and one of her eyes looked at him, “I’m s-sorry Kal, I didn’t mean tuh-to touch-”
He put a hoof up to her mouth to shush her, “Deep breaths, Derpy. Deep breaths. Do you wanna go to Sugarcube Corner to go get some muffins? I’ll buy you some muffins, Derpy”
She averted both of her eyes from him and still cried a little, “Y-yeah, I like muffins”
Kal put on a comforting smile, “Well that’s great! Because I like muffins too, Derpy! Do you wanna go get some muffins with me?”
Twilight ran off to go get them an umbrella and a few bits for him to buy some muffins for her. The two took off through the rain and Derpy calmed down a bit. He made sure to carry the umbrella above her the entire time, so that she wouldn’t get wet.
(Sugarcube corner)
The two arrived at Sugarcube corner and Ms. Cake behind the counter noticed that Derpy had been crying, “Aaaw you poor dear!”
Kal was soaking wet, but he didn’t mind, because at this point, he was just glad that Derpy wasn’t crying. They walked up to the counter and Ms. Cake handed them a plate of hot, fresh muffins and winked at Kal.
As they walked away, she whispered to Kal sweetly, “It’s on the house, Deary”
Kal smiled back at her and nodded in thanks before sitting down at a nearby table. He didn’t know why Derpy crying hurt him so much, but when she did, it felt like his heart was stabbing itself intentionally.
Kal smiled cheerfully towards her, “All better?”
Derpy nodded, “I’m sorry I touched your thingy, Kal”
Kal frowned; he wasn’t comfortable with potentially making her cry again, “That gun could have hurt you, Derpy. That’s why I got mad at you, and I’m sorry I called you stupid. You’re not stupid, Derpy, don’t let anypony tell you otherwise”
She smiled, “Thank you Kal!”
Kal sighed, relieved that she wasn’t angry or sad in any way. He liked Derpy more now, she felt so fragile and innocent, and also childishly curious. He thought about giving her flowers tomorrow, so that there would be no hard feelings in the future. But for now, he would just enjoy muffins with his new friend.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Okidokiloki, another short chapter
View Online
The socially awkward assassin
I'm not gay, if that's what you're asking...
(Ponyville royal guard HQ)
“I just don’t get it, Hans,” Kal paced back and forth as Hans spaced out to the constant click-clacking rhythm of a Newton’s cradle on his desk, “why did they talk about me so much? I haven’t talked to Bon-Bon for DAYS”
Hans sighed, “Well, we never really had parents in the hive, to be honest, so I don’t really know anything about how your kind raises their children”
Kal rolled his eyes, “Thanks Changy, very helpful”
Hans nodded neutrally at the comment and stared off into space again as Kal continued with his rant, “Sweet Celestia, you don’t think they’ve seen through my disguise, do you?”
Hans’ day dream survive-one-of-Kal’s-rants instinct throbbed as he detected a question and snapped out of his trance, “No, er, if they did, he probably would’ve told her about it. Speaking of which, why don’t you just snipe him next time when he walks along to talk to this…Enza?”
“I’m trying to gather as much intelligence as I can about OTHER drug operations he deals with before I take him out,” Kal stated matter-of-factly, “with him dead, a lot of secrets that would have otherwise slipped liberally from his lips in the safety of his home will be six feet under”
Hans ignored the big words and pretended like he was listening. Hans liked Kal, he had grown to like him over the past few days that they had been working together (Kal pretty much helped Hans with his work when he had off-time), but sometimes his worrying was annoying.
Hans decided it was time that he wrapped up the conversation, as he had some paperwork he needed to fill out, “So what are we doing today?”
Kal smiled, “You and I are going on a double date, my friend”
Hans quirked up a disbelieving eyebrow, “And how exactly do you plan to do that, Slim Shady?”
Kal grinned confidently, “Take on the disguise of the most handsome stallion you can think of and ask Lyra out on a date as I ask Bon-Bon out on a date”
Hans smirked and flashed his sickly green changeling eyes, “Why do I have to come? Your other one went so well!”
Kal sighed, “Well, this time I won’t be using alcohol, that’s for damn sure. But you know, that whole thing COULD have worked out better if I had a wing man with me. Hint hint”
“Could have worked out better? You talked to the boss himself, face to face,” Hans stated bluntly, “what could have worked out better than that?
“But that was a FLUKE! Come on Hans, it’ll be much easier to manage two mares if I’ve got somepony with me!” Kal whined almost childishly.
Hans sighed, clearly annoyed, “Fine, fine, you big wuss. Get me one of those magazines with the sexy guys on the cover”
Kal shifted awkwardly, “But the clerk’s gonna think I’m…gay”
“Do you want me to come with you or not?” Hans waggled his eyebrows at Kal’s scowl.
“Alright, alright, brat, I’ll get your stupid magazine” Kal turned to leave the room.
“Get one of those playfilly ones, where the stallion is wearing high socks! The ladies go craaazy for that! I’m sure you’re pretty experienced as well!” Hans sneered.
“I can kill a stallion twice my size, you know” Kal growled angrily.
“Good girl” Hans chirped happily as Kal left.
Kal popped his head back into the room and glared at Hans menacingly, “I heard that, and technically I don’t have to go buy this…I outrank you, you know”
The two stared at each other sternly for a few minutes before they burst out into laughter, “Celestia damn it all, I hate you sometimes, Changy”
(Porn store)
Yuck, I’m probably gonna run into some greasy 40-year-olds. If I touch one of them my body will probably implode on the spot . He walked through the glass door that had two posters of mares proudly displaying their plots and looked around for the homosexual section.
A stallion with a bushy mustache came through a door from behind the counter and smiled at Kal, “Ah, a customer! Allo, how are you today?”
Kal looked around awkwardly, “I’m looking for a magazine for a friend…where’s the, mmm…”
The stallion couldn’t understand Kal’s mumbles, but smiled as he knew what he was talking about, “Ze second to last row down zere. And don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone about your…friend…”
Kal sighed, “I’m not gay, this really is for a friend”
“Oh, I believe you sir, I compleeetely believe you” the merchant sneered.
Kal blushed and trotted over in a defeated manner to the section he was looking for. He didn’t dislike gay ponies. Well, kind of. He disliked all ponies, but not because they were gay, anyways. When he got older, however, a rumor started around the royal guard that he only liked males. Since those times, the ponies who are closest to him like to tease him about it a LOT, Luna especially. She once threw him a “coming out of the closet party” in front of the members of her lunar guard, which was most likely the trigger of his alcoholism.
He sighed quietly and searched through the unattractive playfilly magazines when he heard the door open. Oh great, ponies came in. I hope I don’t know them.
If that’s Rainbow, I swear I’ll never hear the end of this. “Allo, is there anything I can…”
The shopkeeper’s voice was cut off by a loud gasp as Kal heard the click of a gun being readied to fire, “Give us the money from the register, and nopony here has to get hurt. Is there anypony else in this store?” Celestia damn it all, can’t I go one day without something dramatic happening?
“N-nopony else is here, suh-sir” the merchant’s voice stammered before a single gunshot was heard.
Nope, I guess not. “My leg! Oh, no, aaaaggghhh!!! It…it hurts!”
“Vinny, check the isles, I’ll make sure this guy doesn’t do anythin’ he’ll regret” a gruff voice said before hoofsteps started down the aisles.
Kal did a combat roll past a few aisles stealthily, avoiding detection. He waited to ambush the pony that came past him and pounced quietly. The pony barely let out a peep that would put Fluttershy to shame before he was out cold from a clean pressure point to the neck.
He grabbed the pony’s gun and snuck up behind the other masked criminal, who was too busy down-talking the shopkeeper to notice that a trained killer was creeping up from behind him. Kal smashed the stallion’s head on the counter and knocked him out cold with an almost surgically placed pistol whip to his temple.
He reached over the counter and dialed 911 on the phone, calling both an ambulance and the police, “Emergency vehicles are on their way”
He scanned his item, seemingly oblivious to the stallion clutching his wound and failing to fight back tears. Kal dropped a few coins hurriedly on the counter and told him to keep the change.
“Wh-who are you? What are you?” the shopkeeper attempted to choke out the two biggest questions of the million he had racing through his mind.
Kal frowned, and in a state of paranoia awkwardly answered, “I’m not gay, if that’s what you’re asking…goodbye”
(Ponyville royal guard HQ)
“Honey, I’m home” Kal sarcastically chirped into Hans’ office.
Mimicking the assassin’s mock enthusiasm, Hans fluttered his non-existent eyelashes, “Oh, did you get the groceries, dear? And how about the paper, did you grab one of those on your way into town, too?”
Kal rolled his eyes and flopped the magazine on the table, igniting a long, exaggerated gasp from the changeling in the room, “Dear! I didn’t think you flew that way. I don’t know how to put this, dear, but I find that more than a little…arousing…”
Kal’s eye twitched as he felt a hoof slid down his back, “Hans. Don’t touch me”
Hans frowned, “Sorry, I wanted to see how far I could go. Armor told me that he thinks you’re gay, and it’s my Celestia-given mission to prove it!”
Kal glared at Hans who smiled sheepishly, “Well, to be fair, Celestia DID tell me to find out your sexuality if we’re going to be working together…I know you understand”
Unamused, Kal growled and glared at the picture of Celestia on the Equestrian flag in the corner, “I really hate her”
Hans frowned, “You’re one of the few ponies that can legally get away with hating her”
The assassin smiled, “Maybe I’m a revolutionary and I haven’t realized it yet”
“Maybe you’re just stupid and you haven’t realized it yet” Hans teased.
Hans chuckled to himself as Kal rolled his eyes. After a few awkward moments of silence, Hans decided to change the conversation.
“So about those dates” he said as he flipped through the magazine.
“Oh, this one looks promising, what do you think of this o-” he said before he was cut off.
“No. Just pick a disguise and get going” Kal growled fiercely.
Hans rolled his eyes and picked a page at random, “Ah, perfect! This one will do!”
Without another word, he morphed into a large, muscle-bound colt with long, dark socks, causing Kal to erupt in booming laughter, “Y-you look like a gigolo, ha!”
Hans frowned and slipped the socks off awkwardly, “Heh, well, at least we got some free socks out of this!”
Kal wiped the tears from his eyes, “Yeah, until you change back”
Hans sighed, “Can we just get to this date thing please?”
(Ponyville park)
“Yeah, then I told him I wasn’t gay…I don’t think he was asking me about that, though” the assassin blushed and smiled sheepishly.
Hans chuckled, “Oh Kally, always the paranoid one”
Kal frowned, “We’ve known each other for like three days”
“And look how much of an impression you’ve made” Hans stated bluntly.
“Hans, the last day I leave this town, I’m just gonna get my assault rifle, and-” Kal’s death threat was cut off short.
“Oh sweet Chrysalis,”-Hans looked all around nervously-“I can sense the presence of another changeling”
Kal’s eyes went wide as he lowered his head slightly and spoke in a hushed voice, “Are you sure? How can you tell?”
Hans’ eyes narrowed, “It’s the scent. I can smell him, changelings have a distinct smell. It smells kind of like the sewer, but a lot more sour”
Kal gagged, “How did you survive living in the hive then? It must have been like a dumpster in there”
Hans rolled his eyes, “Changelings like foul smells, Kal. Sheesh, you’re ignorant”
Kal sighed, “Thanks. Anyways, I guess we’ll just go along and see if we can find the source, then”
Hans shook his head, “No, we aren’t here to hunt changelings, we’re here to kill Tony Bon”
Kal tilted his head to the side, “But suppose we DID find one…would that be a pay raise for us?”
Hans sighed, “Look, don’t worry about it, we’ll be fine, we just need to play it safe”
Kal nodded confidently, “Right! Er, let’s go!”
(Meanwhile, on a bench in another part of Ponyville park)
“…woah…” Lyra’s eyes widened as Bon-Bon stared at her with a confused expression.
Bon-Bon narrowed her eyes and quirked up an eyebrow, “What’s the matter? Is it one of…them ?”
Lyra nodded, “I don’t know who it is, but it’s definitely another changeling”
Bon-Bon frowned, “So what do we do, then?”
The musician sighed, “I have no idea. Just wait here, I guess? Changelings don’t usually seek out other changelings unless they have specific business with them. It could be one of the licensed ones from town”
(Ponyville park with Kal and Hans)
“Let’s see,” Kal spoke his thoughts aloud, “I think the bench they always sit at is right around…”
“We’re lost, aren’t we?” Hans stated bluntly, causing an overdramatic gasp from Kal.
“Lost!? Why, I’ll have you know I’ve studied the Ponyville map like ten times, and I know that those girls always sit on the bench in the northeastern part of the park!” he said proudly and confidently.
Hans facehoofed, “Then why are we heading southwest?”
Kals smiled sheepishly, “I know what I’m doing!”
Hans rolled his eyes as he and Kal made a U-turn and headed northeast. They started walking when a thought occurred to Hans.
He looked at Kal who was smiling contently, “Do we even know what we’re going to say?”
Kal cringed as his eyes went wide and he looked at Hans, “I…have no clue. Any ideas?”
Hans sighed, “Well, not really”
Kal thought for a moment before exclaiming, “Aha! I’ve got it! I’ll be the socially competent friend that pushes you, the shy one, to ask Lyra out on a double date”
Hans frowned, “Not like we have much choice, we’re already here. Let’s get into character”
Kal smirked, “You should’ve gone in socks, they would’ve thought that was kinky”
“Not a good idea,” Hans laughed, “I’d be worried that you wouldn’t be able to keep your eyes off of me”
Kal pushed him towards them, “Just get in there”
Oh, right, it’s go time. Hans put on his best innocent and shy face and slowly walked over to the two females.
He avoided eye contact and squeaked, “Er, h-hello”
They broke away from their conversation to look at this newcomer when their hearts stopped. Their jaws hit the floor and their eyes went as wide as dinner plates. Standing in front of them was without a doubt the hunkiest, sexiest stallion they had ever seen. And the best part was that he was addressing them of his own accord.
It took them a few seconds to reply due to shock, but Bon-Bon was the first to be able to say anything, “Er, hey there…I-I don’t believe we’ve met”
He put on a nervous smile and attempted to look up at them, but deliberately failed “M-my name is…um…Hans”
Lyra tilted her head to the side and looked at him suspiciously, “Well Hans…er, what do you want?”
“This is Lyra, by the way!” Bon-Bon hastily added, earning a what-the-buck look from Lyra, “And I’m her friend, Bon-Bon!”
“Oh, erm, h-hello Lyra and Bon-Bon…” he said quietly, still avoiding eye contact.
Something is wrong with him.
“What do you want, then?” Lyra repeated herself shrewdly.
Something’s off about her.
He smiled weakly, “Oh, um, well, it’s kind of embarrassing, but…”
He paused and cleared his throat a little, “Well, my friend Kal thinks I need to talk to some mares every now and then, so…”
He opened his mouth to speak, but Lyra interrupted him, “So what?”
He bit his lip and chanced a glance at her eyes, which were squinted from distrust of the stranger, “So, um, he was gonna ask you two if you want to go on a double date…or NOT, if you don’t want to, that’s totally fine”
Before Lyra could deny his request, Bon-Bon answered with a big, white grin, “Well sure! Which pony gets which pony?”
Lyra looked insulted. Bon-Bon…you’re going to get us into trouble, you just don’t know it yet.
Hans looked up in fake mild amazement, “Oh, that would be fantastic! Kal said he wanted you, Bon-Bon, so I’ll go with Lyra! Thank you so much…I have to go, bye!”
“Wait! Where and when are we doing this?” Bon-Bon asked as he turned to walk away.
“Kal will tell you, bye!” he said as he quickly scampered off, leaving the mares alone to talk about the event that had just occurred.
“Oh, this is going to be amazing, Lyra! He looks so good, an-” Bon-Bon spewed before she was cut off.
Lyra sighed angrily, “Bon-Bon, you’re stupid”
Bon-Bon was thrown off by that comment, “Er, what?”
Lyra rolled her eyes, “Didn’t something seem off about him?”
Bon-Bon opened her mouth to protest, but no words came out, and were instead replaced by Lyra continuing, “He’s a changeling, Bon. He wants to feed off of my love”
Bon-Bon fell back in shock, “Ch-changeling?”
The two were silent for a few moments before Bon-Bon started chuckling nervously, “Oh Lyra, you’re such a kidder! You’re kidding, right? Please tell me you’re kidding!”
Lyra frowned at Bon-Bon’s begging and shook her head, “Sorry, but I knew he had to be a changeling”
Bon-Bon cursed herself, “All the handsome ones! What about Kal?”
Lyra shook her head, “Kal isn’t; I didn’t feel it from him”
Bon-Bon sighed in relief then blinked in realization, “Lyra? Why is he going on the date with you? I thought changelings couldn’t take love from other changelings”
Lyra shrugged, “No clue. Maybe he’s planning on exposing me”
Lyra shivered at the thought as Bon-Bon sighed, “Perfect. Just perfect. At least I get a chance to redeem myself with Kal”
The two laughed at that and moved onto another conversation.
(Ponyville park, out of Lyra and Bon-Bon’s earshot)
Kal grinned widely, “How’d it go, Tiger?”
Hans frowned, “Kal, we need to talk”
Kal’s eyes went wide, “Oh Celestia, did they turn you down? We need to change our tactics”
Hans sighed, “No, it’s not that, we’re in the clear. It’s just that things are about to get really complicated”
Kal tilted his head a little and inquired, “Why? What’s wrong?”
“Remember when I sensed another changeling in the park?”-Kal nodded-“Well, it turns out that Lyra is that changeling”
Kal’s eyes widened to realization, “It didn’t say she was a licensed changeling in her biography, she must be illegal”
Hans nodded, “Precisely. But we can’t report her”
“Why,” Kal inquired, “she’ll make things really hard on our date if she knows about you”
“She’s an extra source of information” Hans stated bluntly.
Kal was about to argue, but Hans’ words sunk into his brain and his eyes went wide as he smiled, “You’re right! Wow Hans, I didn’t know you were this good at being a spy!”
Hans smiled, “I normally deal with counter-changeling activity; I was assigned to you because they needed an experienced and competent pony to assist you”
Kal smirked, “Define ‘Experienced and competent’”
Hans rolled his eyes and spoke once again, “I’ll talk to Lyra later this evening about the whole changeling thing”
Kal nodded, “I’ll tell Tony Bon about the date. We can meet up at Sugarcube corner when we’re done. Agreed?”
Kal held out a hoof out to Hans, who bumped it with his own, “Agreed”
(Tony Bon’s house, later that evening)
Kal touched down near the front door and knocked. He needed to tell the boss about his plans, as was requested of him previously.
The same stallion answered the door and scowled, “What’s up?”
“I need to talk to Mr. Bon. I plan on taking his daughter and her friend out on a date, sir” the assassin incognito said in a business-like manner.
The stallion nodded, “Step inside, here. I’ll see if the boss is busy. Bill, watch this kid”
The armed guard nodded as the other Stallion descended the stairs into the basement. A few moments later, two sets of hoofsteps could be heard coming up the stairs somewhat hastily.
Tony Bon saw Kal and smiled, “Didn’t I scare you last time, kid?”
Kal smiled sheepishly, “I suppose not enough, sir”
Tony chuckled, “So what do I owe the honor of your arrival?”
“Well, sir,” Kal said, a little more comfortable this time around because of the bosses’ good-natured sarcasm (And because he wasn’t threatening him with death, now), “I was hoping to take Bon-Bon on a date. A double date, in fact, with my friend, Hans, and her friend, Lyra”
Tony frowned slightly and thought for a moment, before finally responding, “Where and when?”
Kal looked at the ground nervously, “Well, er, sir, we never really established that. Is she home?”
Tony nodded and walked to the bottom of the steps, “BON-BON!”
Bon-Bon’s voice could be heard, “Yeah, Papa?”
“Your coltfriend is here to see you!” came the response.
“Gah, Tartarus! I’ll be right down!” she said as Kal heard frantic hoofsteps upstairs.
“Uh, sir?”-Tony looked back at Kal-“We’re not marefriend and coltfriend, we’ve only been on one date”
Tony shook his head, “Kids these days…”
Bon-Bon ran down the stairs, and smiled sheepishly, “Er, hey Kal!”
Kal smiled charmingly, “Hey Bon-Bon! I was just here to tell your father about the date”
“Oh I see,” she said as she walked up to them both, “and what are we doing for the date?”
Kal was at a loss for words, he hadn’t put much thought into what was going to happen.
She sighed, “I guess we could…go see a movie?”
“Alright, what do you wanna see, then?” he offered, internally nervous because of the Bosses’ presence.
“Well,” she said with a cold glare towards her father who rolled his eyes, “Lyra and I have wanted to see the amazing batstallion 12: Revenge of the sequel, but SOMEpony wouldn’t let us”
“I hope you don’t mean me. It was your own fault for getting grounded” he said innocently.
She gritted her teeth, but swallowed her pride and turned back to Kal who backed away a little bit, “Sorry, tensions are high around here I guess”
He smiled handsomely, “Sounds good, the movie starts at eight, I think. We can hang out and have dinner at Sugarcube corner at five. Does that sound good?”
Bon-Bon nodded and looked to her father who nodded in approval as well, “Great! Come by here at about five with your friend so that Lyra and I can walk with you to Sugarcube corner”
Kal nodded and turned to leave, but was stopped by Tony, “Oh, and Kal”
He turned back, “Yes, sir?”
Tony glared menacingly and pointed at the wall of intimidating, armed stallions that Kal could easily kill if he wanted to. Kal faked a shudder, nodded, and hastily left the building. Well, that went well.
(Lyra’s house)
Hans took a deep breath and walked up to the door, knocking softly. He didn’t think she would be asleep, as it was relatively early, but she could have been one of those ponies who will do anything for sleep.
She answered the door and was slightly surprised when she saw who was standing in front of her, “May I come in?”
She nodded and he walked into her house. As soon as she closed the door, he changed into his changeling form.
“You knew about what I was when we were talking, no doubt” he stated smoothly.
She changed into her changeling form as well and nodded, “You’re suddenly less shy, aren’t you?”
He cringed, forgetting that he needed to be shy, but quickly came up with an excuse, “I have to shut my shyness up so that I can attend more serious issues”
“Which are…?” Lyra inquired, curious as to why he was in her home.
“I didn’t want you to think I was going to feed off of you. Are you licensed, by the way?” he asked nonchalantly.
She cringed, “No…are you? You can’t be, I’ve never seen you around town”
He smiled, “I am licensed; I’m just nomadic”
Her heart sank, “You’re…you’re not going to report me, are you?”
He shook his head, “I would have reported you by now if that was the case”
She sighed, “Well, I suppose that’s good. Are you settling here?”
He nodded, “Yes, and I’d appreciate if you didn’t tell anypony about me”
“But there’s a club we have in town,” she said anxiously, “it’s called ‘changelings incognito’ because we’re all changelings who support each other. I’ll make sure they know about you as well”
“No, I’d rather they didn’t, thanks. I’ll meet up with individual changelings if I talk to them, but I don’t necessarily like my own kind. No offense, of course” he stated matter-of-factly.
“Alright then, so long as you tell nopony about me,” she did the sacred ‘honorbound changeling promise’, which, regardless of anything, could NOT be broken, “I won’t tell anypony or anyling about you. Er, except for Bon-Bon, she already knows”
He mimicked her, “Right. And Kal, he knows about you as well”
The two were silent for a moment before she started another topic, “So…what’s your story?”
He smiled, he knew that was coming up, as it was customary that all runaway changelings ask that of each other, “Number 6429, at your service. Formerly ranked LTJG(t) of the changeling royal guard”
She was shocked, “Royal guard? Fancy. But, Lieutenant junior grade temporary? Why weren’t you promoted?”
He smiled, “I fled the day before I was to be promoted”
Her eyes narrowed, “I see. You’re one of the deserters, then. No shame in that, but why did you leave? That’s some serious prestige you held there”
He scowled, “Prestige? The amount of prestige you have within the hive doesn’t matter. We were torturing ponies, mutilating them into insanity so that we could feed off of their raw emotions. I fled because I felt that what they were doing was wrong”
She smiled, before he asked, “So what’s your story, then?”
She frowned, “Number 5503, I held the rank of specialist as a scout for the military. My missions were primarily recon. I was sent to Ponyville to see if the ponies here were stupid enough to fall for our disguises, but then I met Bon-Bon”
“And you couldn’t leave her, because she was your friend” he finished the story for her, earning a nod from her.
He chuckled, “At the risk of sounding a little hypocritical, there’s a lot of generic fanfiction about that. Changeling runs away from the hive because they like ponies in town too much”
“What?” she asked, clearly confused, “What’s a fanfiction?”
He rolled his eyes, “Nothing. Anyways, gotta go, bye bye”
Without another word, he donned his disguise once again and left the house.
When she was sure he was gone she rolled her eyes, “Doesn’t he know that fourth walls are expensive? Sheesh”
