Equestria's Number One Hotlineby grey maneChaptersFirst Call: I'm Wearing A ScarfSecond Call: Princess of the NightThird Call: The Electrician and The MechanicForth Call: Princess Cadence Wants AnswersFirst Call: I'm Wearing A ScarfIt was the first month we had been open and we only had a few ponies working the phone lines, couldn't have been more than five or six of us then, but we knew we had something as the first hotline in all of Equestria. Some said our work was a tad shady and slightly underhanded but we didn't care, it was something to do and make money off of. We spent a fortune in advertising and even made sure we were listed in the phone books across Equestria, most of that cost was spent here in Canterlot where we stood to make the most bits talking business with the elite ponies there. For weeks we sat there waiting for our first call and all that time we worried that we would be snuffed out just as fast as we got started, but just as that day came to an end and we all started to walk out one of the phones began to ring. All of us stood or hoovered there frozen by the sound we had all waited for, on the third ring as we slowly looked at each other we all soon rushed for whichever of the phones were ringing. It was the biggest fight the office had ever seen before or since, Shower Shine lost a few teeth, Bolt Burner got his lower jaw dislocated and others got roughed up just as bad as we all seemed to beat the crap out of each other trying to be the first to answer. As we all stumbled and fought our way between each other the first to answer was a young mare, "Thank you for calling ALL4FUN my name is Zu~ul..." For some reason her eyes glowed red and her voice became deep and sounded like she gargled with rocks when ever she said her name, nopony knew why, "what would you like to talk about this evening?" Normally her voice was sweet and lovely but it was just when she said her name, "Umm... well... normally ponies don't wear clothes so as of right now just a scarf why?" Oh shit I worried this would happen, I had hoped it wouldn't have been her to get that kind of phone call, "Well yes I guess you could say that but I don't..." Poor filly was so innocent she didn't know what was going on, "well yes I can do that. Oh baby..." We almost laughed at how confused she looked and how in her voice we could hear how puzzled she was, "oh baby... oh baby, you are the best?" She managed to keep them on the line for five hours just going back and forth doing as they asked, "Zu~ul, my name is Zu~ul, why do you keep asking for my name?" Poor filly didn't know what was going on but we did. Once the phone call came to an end she thanked them for calling our hotline and smiled as she walked towards us, "So how was it?" I asked hoping to know her thoughts. "Not sure how I'm suppose to feel, at the end of the call they asked me if it felt good for me too. Strangest call I've gotten in my life, though if I had to give an answer I would say..." Tapping her chin as she looked up she thought back to the call and shuttered, "I feel dirty and want to take a bath for the next month straight. But I'm not sure why." As she walked out of the building Swamphole rushed towards her, "Did they tell you who they were?" His question peeked our interest as we listened. Thinking about it she giggled, "You know they never did, but the funny thing is she sounded like Princess Celestia." Giggling as she walked away she nearly shouted, "To think Princess Celestia would call this hotline and act like that." Though she laughed about it we all questioned it as she wished us a good night, before long she turned the corner down the street and was gone. The others soon followed her out the door to go home as well while Swamphole and myself stayed behind to clean up the mess we all made fighting to get to the phone, the two of us laughed at how much of a mess we made trying to answer the damn phone. It was something so simple yet it caused such chaos from just a simple ring. While we laughed about it the phone began to ring again as I pointed at it, "Ya to think something that simple can... cause..." Pausing for a moment we stared at the phone, and just like before we rushed for it from opposing ends of the room. Bumping heads once we got close left us dazed and stumbling around holding our heads as we clambered for the phone, we continued to bump into each other, push each other, and even fought for the phone. Before the ringing could stop Swamphole answered it as he held me to the floor with one of his hooves on my neck, "Thank you for calling ALL4FUN, my name is Swamphole what would you like to talk about this evening?" As he let me up his expression went from eagerly happy to annoyed and slowly growing pissed, "Yes my name is Swamphole... yes go ahead and let it out." I knew that look and that conversation from anywhere, "Well I think it's better than what I was named, I had to have it changed some time back." I recalled how he and I first met and I still can't say his name without laughing, "No my name wasn't always Swamphole, for some reason my parents named me Shitbush. Some kind of a joke my dad came up with, I never got the joke." As he let out a disgruntled sigh he turned to look at me and pointed as he mouthed the words, 'Not one word to the others about this, or I shove this phone up your ass. And you know I will.' He soon turned his attention back to the phone call, "Miss is there anything else you would like to talk about?" As he stood there he soon pulled up a pen and a bit of paper, "No she's out for the evening but will be back just before noon, if you like I'll notify her that you called and a number for her to reach you." As he started to jot down what she said he soon became baffled, "Miss if you wanted to remain anonymous you can say so, but please don't call yourself Princess Celestia. Don't get me wrong you do a wonderful impersonation of her, but I highly doubt that she would call this number and do that to Zuul." As he finished writing down the last bit of information alongside the best time to call back he thanked her for calling us, "Can you believe that crap? Like Celestia would actually call." As he stumbled out the door he posted the note on the wall where Zuul would find it later, once he was gone I looked at the note and turned to stare at the phone. My final words as I started to walk out of the building was full of confusion and uncertainty, "What the fuck just happened?" Second Call: Princess of the NightFor several weeks Zuul kept receiving the same caller, by now she had gotten used to the routine but still couldn’t figure out what the caller liked about her saying her name. One of the call sessions she had poor Zuul didn’t get what was going on so she called me over and put the session on speaker. “All you have to do is respond to my question that’s all.” Both Zuul and Swamphole were right she did sound like the Princess. “Yes I understand but if you wanted role play we have a pony here who’s so~o much better at it than I.” She wasn’t wrong, we had one mare who was far better at it. Her name was Soultouch, and she had this innate gift for feeling out what you wanted. She could find it in you through touch, hearing your voice, reading your body language, and if she tried hard enough by looking in your eyes. I knew how good she was simply because she and I dated some time back, she also beat the ever loving crap out of me for cheating on her with another mare I had yet to meet. Strange thing was I still loved her, “I know you’ve told me about that doll but please just this once?” She clearly didn’t know the meaning of the phrase give up. Letting out a reluctant sigh Zuul gave in, “All right… but just this once alright?” “But of course, Now lets try this again.” We both could hear a seductive hum, “I would like to speak with Dana.” Before Zuul could respond I slapped my forehead and ran my hand down my face, “There is no Dana, only Zu~ul.” As the caller started to giggle I nearly fell over laughing, “I don’t get the joke.” She rolled her eyes as she took the caller off speaker. Walking away from her before I could embarrass the poor mare another phone started to ring, sadly the one to answer it was Aqua Velvet. Or as she liked to be called Queen Gamer, some of the stallions liked calling her an egotistical pain. Swamphole however often called out to her, “My little lamb chop.” As he crawled up to her on all fours only to get her hoof in his face, “She does love me.” He would often reply, a sad relationship in my opinion if there was one. As the phone rang she picked it up as she continued to quote unquote pwn teh noobs. How she could hear her phone ringing over the music she was blaring was beyond me, she was always blasting either techno or trance as she played her games. Today she was listening to a band she recently came across some time back called Starbomb, I couldn’t quite figure out their genre of music but it was still good none the less. “Thank you for calling ALL4FUN, this is Queen Gamer what would you like to talk about today?” I never seen her jump any faster out of her chair than when she got that call, “Wait… can you give me your name again.” She flagged me to come over looking rather astonished. Once I was there she switched over to speaker, “Well as We have said before this is the Princess of the Night Luna and We would like to discuss this construction called Atari. I have been trying to play the games it holds but I cannot decide on which to start with. Would you happen to have a recommendation?” “One moment please.” She rummaged through her desk and pulled out an old note book in the poorest condition I had ever seen, “Okay, uh… Princess are you still there?” Hearing Luna’s response she flipped a few pages, “Alright then depending on what you like there are several good ones, but I suggest starting with Pitfall and Asteroids. Then try your luck on Space Invaders and Ms. Pac-man, but whatever you do Princess you want to save the best for last.” “And which of these games is the best so We know to save it till then?” She tried to contain her excitement but sounded rather ecstatic to learn what she could. Frantically flipping through her old notes she cursed herself for not keeping them in some kind of order, “Uhh… oh the game you want to save for last is Adventure. It’s the one that has been labeled as the best of all the games that came out for the Atari.” “Thank you for your assistance, one last thing before I go uh… binge gaming we believe the term is. Our sister Celestia came unto us saying ‘It was dangerous for Us to go alone, take this.’ What do We need the banana for?” If there was a single moment I could say Queen pain in the flank was left speechless this was it, her jaw was left hanging open as she just seemed to stare off into space. Her mind had to process what was just presented to her, the joke itself wasn’t lost to her but she didn’t know how to tell Luna she was trolled by Celestia. Come to think of it I think Luna may have fried her brain, Aqua seemed tied between insulting the Princess of the Night and risking a possible follow up call. “Uh~” She trailed off trying to think as she gripped her desk. “Hello… are you still there?” Though Luna tried getting an answer she almost seemed confused, “Is this what a dial tone is? Sister informed us that such a thing sounded annoying.” Before Luna could hang up Aqua snapped out of her little daze, “Oh no Princess I was just…” Looking at another set of notes she kept Aqua quickly read it, “I was looking for what your Sister was talking about. And it just so happens to be I do know what she is talking about, she was hinting away at the old Donkey Kong game for the Atari. Which is another great game might I add.” She turned to look at me shaking her head while mouthing ‘No it’s not’ “Very well then we thank you for your input on the matter, should I need your assistance again I shall call.” Once the call came to an end Aqua started to slump in her chair and tried to return to her game. Leaning over her I smiled as she growled at me, “Get out of my line of sight before I make you.” “But I want to learn about you and the ape you hate.” I was trying to be funny… in hindsight that was a bad idea, Aqua didn’t hesitate to knock me around a few times before she sat down to enjoy her game. Swamphole didn’t make it any better as he came running over shouting, “But I thought you loved me my little violent dove.” He tried diving for her only to be greeted by her fist then held down by her hoof on his head, “Oh you know what I like my little la-” She pressed down harder on his head causing him to grunt slightly, “Call me lamb chop one more time!” Sometimes I wonder when and where I found every last one of them, this dysfunctional group I’m starting to call my family. Third Call: The Electrician and The MechanicIt had been several months and Princess Luna continued to call in on a weekly basis, her calls were slowly causing Aqua Velvet to beg me to get somepony else to deal with her calls. It annoyed her to no end when I would bow and smiled, “Sorry my liege, but you know just as well as I do that I can’t do that. Not when you are our Queen when it comes to gaming.” I find her cute when she gets angry and shakes her fist at me. Though Aqua and Zuul had the regular customers calling them they were not the only callers, from time to time we got a few random calls that came in. Most were just some ponies wanting to talk, some had a few troubles they needed help sorting out like asking how to get off easy when they forgot their wedding anniversary. I wouldn’t want to be in their shoes when their wives found out. Walking around I checked up on a few of our operators to see how things were going for them, many had a few questions that they couldn’t answer so I told them to transfer to somepony who did. Others were dealing with prank calls, but the joke is on the callers once they get their phone bill. As I continued to check up on a few of our other employees I found an empty spot as its phone started to ring, “Thank you for calling ALL4FUN, my name is Shadowstep what would you like to talk about today?” My father was a fan of novels and movies that featured misunderstood anti-heroes, and my name was some kind of play off of that but neither my mother or I could see the connection. “Ya…” The poor guy sounded hesitant to say the least but as to why I didn’t know, “so my wife has challenged my stallion hood by saying I couldn’t do a little electrical work here in the house. And I said I could, what I need help with right now is one of my light switches is not working.” Very clear case that he should have called an electrician not us, “I never keep manuals in the castle because I say I don’t need them, that and I know she would notice if one of them was moved. But I had heard from my in laws, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, that you guys are discreet and should have somepony there I can talk to.” It was then my jaw dropped as I looked over to Zuul, “Huh… ya…” I was shocked to have learned that Princess Celestia actually has been calling, “ya, w-we have somepony who can help let me see if he’s in right now.” But I think I was more shocked to realize I was talking to Shining Armor, I had always thought he would sound more on the grough side than colt band lead. Looking around I couldn’t find any sign of Crosswire, you think that the youngest foal between Fluttershy and Discord would be easier to keep track of. I mean for crying out loud he was born an earth pony, yet for some strange reason he can use magic… not sure how that happen let alone how that works. But then again his father is Discord, I’ve been trying to talk him into introducing me to his very sexy older sister Timid Turvey. Anyway when I couldn’t find him I did manage to spot Swamphole and waved him over, ‘You got a caller, and you flagged me…” He whispered with a raised eyebrow, ‘alright I’ll bite what’s this about?’ ‘Is Crosswire here today or is he off?’ ‘As he is right now… here is a relative term at this point.’ ‘Tartarus you mean relative? Is he or isn’t he here?’ I was starting to worry, he was the only pony here who knew all about electrical. Guy was a genious when it came to it, he even rewired the whole office building. Hearing the clearing of Shining’s voice my attention was brought back to the call, “So is there somepony there or not, because I don’t want Cadence finding out I have no clue what I am doing.” “Yes just one more minute, as of right now we are looking for the pony we like to call The Electrician.” I was hesitant in saying that hoping I wasn’t lying to him, ‘Start talking and start talking fast asshole, is he here or not?’ ‘Again it’s relative at this point in time.’ Pointing into the upper corner of the office near a vent as a means to show me that yes he was here, well his body was but clearly his mind was out at the moment. He was working on an old ham radio trying to get it to pick up FM frequencies, his hands had clear signs he had been zapped a few times. What added to it was he had started singing or talking to himself I didn’t care which, “I'm gonna feel the way I do~o to~oday, 'cause you-you nutsy chick, you broad-you make me feel so young. Boom.” Now I was starting to wonder if he was singing to take his mind off of work or if his mind was picking up radio signals and he was the speaker, “Oh boys, that was terrible. I'm going out, I'm gonna have a smoke. When I come back, get the horn section figured out, I can't work like this.” “Huh…Mr. Armor sir, as of right now our electrical specialist is…” Tied up at the moment, stepped out for lunch, called in sick, his mother is sick, dad died, “dealing with another caller. Would it be alright if I connected you with our mechanic? She knows a lot about cars and how to fix them, perhaps she can help you with anything motor related for the time being?” His end of the line was quiet for a moment before I heard him hum, “Well my old car is having a few problems, and I have done what I can but I still can figure out everything. Ya I’ll talk to her till your other guy is ready.” “Alright then I’ll transfer you over to her right now, and I think the electrician should be done in about five minutes.” It was then we all saw the lights flicker for a quick second as Crosswire got zapped again and twitched for a moment, “Two on, two out, Bonds is up again. Swung on, oh! That struck the ballmare, knocked her cold! Today's game, by the way, is brought to you by Teddies Melody. If it isn’t in harmony then it wasn’t made at Teddies Melody.” As he continued to report a baseball game he resumed working on the radio. “On second thought it might be a little longer than that.” Putting him on hold I called out to Merigold telling her she had Shining Armor waiting on line 3 before I pulled Swamphole in closer to myself, “Okay how in the endless depths of Tartarus did that happen?” “You got me, he just showed up with it this morning. Walked up the wall and started working on it, he was certain that he could get it to pick up FM frequencies. That was the third time he’s been zapped so far, kinda surprised he’s still alive actually.” I face palmed myself as I let go of Swamhole, “Okay we have very limited time before Merigold gets done helping Shining Armor, in that time we need to get him down and get him back to normal.” “What even is normal, I mean he’s one of Discord’s foals. So normal could be anything for him.” As the lights flickered for a second time we all heard a thud causing those of us who were free for the moment to rush over, finding Crosswire as a steaming heap on the ground as he twitched I nudged him with my hoof. Hearing him groan I knew he was alive… somehow, ordering everypony to return to their work space we were all unaware of when he had gotten back up on his hooves. Working his way through the crowd of us he began letting out a series of eeks, whoops, and clicking noises that made many of us think he was a pair of whales. We all watched him do this for around two minutes before Swamphole hit him upside the head with one of the folding chairs we had, “Why the fuck did you do that?” Swamphole shrugged his shoulders, “What you wanted him to return to normal, it just made sense. Knock him out and let his brain reset, kinda like shutting off a computer then turning it back on.” “He is not a machine damn it!” Rubbing my head as I tried to figure out what to do next I walked over to Merigold to listen in and guess how much time we had. “Okay so you found a little water in your gas tank, there are two possibilities I know of on how this could happen. The first is it got in there last time you filled up or a prank by somepony, the second is condensation from the weather. Now depending on how long it has been we can fix this.” Looking up at me she frowned as she shook her head, “Okay the first option though expensive is to replace the remaining amount of gas, take it all out and just replace it with fresh gas. The other option is to use a nice little fuel additive called heet, that is spelled H-E-E-T and it only works so long as there is very little water.” “Okay well It’s been like this for about two weeks now.” With those words she started beating her head on the desk. “Has the water been in there for two weeks or are you saying you’ve been trying to solve this for two weeks?” “Does it matter?” I’m going to strangle his dumbass. She mouthed towards me, “Okay since we can not determine the length of time we can only guess at how damaged your car is. That being said you have one of two options here, take it to a professional who can try and salvage the car. Or, sell it for what you can and buy a good fixer upper. Now you can also just empty the gas tank and leave it empty for a few days so it can dry out.” “Okay well this is a rather old sports car, and though me and my wife have enjoyed it. It seats only two, and well I have a foal on the way. I was thinking of getting a van but what do you recommend?” She was rather nonchalant as she looked over a list of good family vehicles, “Well lets see there’s the Ford E-series, from what I hear that’s pretty good.” “Ya but I’m only having the one foal at the moment, and I’ve been leaning towards the 1964 VW. I’ve always admired that from a far.” Merigold burst out laughing when she heard that, “THE SHAG WAGON!?” She gasped for air as she muttered my dear sweet Celestia, “If you were planning on just the one foal forget it, you get the shag wagon then you are going to want the E-series. My old Stallion had the shag wagon at the same time he and mom had me, then they dropped twelve more of my brothers and sisters because of the shag.” “So~o… they shagged…” “In the shag yes.” Funny… you think you know a pony, “Okay you want a family vehicle that you will love, I suggest the '67 Impala. I’ve got a list of used but still in excellent condition, I swear they look and sound like they just came off the line. And bonus, you will have enough bits left over that you can buy a torn down one in a scrap yard and build it back up.” “I don’t know, is the Impala really a good family car. I mean it looks nice but I don’t know.” He sounded hesitant and unsure, but if anypony could get him thinking about this it was Merigold. Our sweet and cute little mechanic, we just don’t say that to her face. Last time somepony did say that to her, she rigged their car to start only a certain way and they could never figure it out… I miss my ‘66 SS. “Do you think Cadence will like the Impala? She hardly likes my Pinto, actually she hates the Pinto. Often refers to it as the P.O.S. Pinto, but I never figured out why.” It went silent between them before Shining spoke up again, “In fact the Pinto is the car I’ve been talking to you about and trying to fix.” Merigold slowly turned her head to look up at me as she mouthed, ‘I stand corrected… I’m going to slowly torture his dumb ass.’ I patted her on the shoulder, “Okay look you want to look like a stallion in front of your wife again? Then go for the Impala, it's the very definition of a stallion's car. And the VW is for widdle baby fillies, and you don’t want to be a widdle baby filly. You want to be a stallion your wife is proud of, a stallion that has ‘WELCOME ABOARD’ tattooed on his penis!” “I was thinking of getting a fairy tattoo at one point.” As she closed her eyes I started backing away before she could grab something and beat me with it. Going back over to Crosswire I soon discovered he was missing… again, worried I ran over only to find him sitting with his legs crossed… and with a bong. Calmly walking towards him I feared what this could mean but still had to check on him, “Are you okay?” “I’m fine ma~an. The world is my bowl.” “Do you know where you are, or even who you are?” “Where? Na~ah… but life is a mystery, just one big journey with no real rhyme, reason, or meaning. And me? I’m John Lennon,” Snapping his fingers his thumb was set aflame, “and I’m going to join Lucy in the Sky to get some Diamonds. Wanna join me?” As he started smoking it was more than clear to me that he was baked, and we were royally fucked. Discord wasn’t going to care one way or another, he was just going to laugh. It was Fluttershy I was worried about, and what she would do if she found out about this. Walking over with a laugh Swamphole reached down to grab the bong, “Oh~ho, I didn’t know you partook. Let me get a hit of that.” Pulling him away from both Crosswire and the bong, “Call Discord.” “I thought you were scared of that guy.” “I’m not scared of Discord, Discord is cool, he’s great to hang out with. But it's Fluttershy I’m scared of.” Smiling he tapped me on the cheek, “You kidding, his mom is mellow… and sexy. I mean she is one sexy mare and I would love to-” Sitting him down in the chair I started to sweat, “You have no clue the wrath she will bring upon us, she makes a roided out Hulk look peaceful and calm.” “How roided out are we talking here?” “Enough to make Supermare look like a little bitch under a blue sun. So call Discord and let’s hope he can fix this, and Fluttershy remains out of the loop.” “Ya… okay… calling the spirit of disharmony so we can keep the harmony, gotcha.” As he started to dial the number he paused for a moment, “You know we could just hit him on the head again, clearly that worked.” “No it did not work like we wanted it, you can’t paint a failure up to look like success. Now make the damn call!” As he finished dialing he grumbled, “Ya, ya, ya.” Forth Call: Princess Cadence Wants AnswersIt had been about a year since ALL4FUN started up and in that time they had gathered a few constant callers. Celestia had her fun and slowly started having simple conversations with Zuul, Luna had become quite the gamer keeping Aqua Velvet on her hooves with questions and challenges. Honestly the ponies in charge started to question who was the better gamer, Velvet or Luna? As the month went by even Shining Armor had started calling more and more about his need to prove himself to his wife, poor stallion should just toss in the towel and admit that some things he just can’t do. And though it was entertaining for those around her, Merigold was glad that she was finally rid of him as her main caller. Many of her main callers now worked in car shops and need either a few quick fixes or a part they had a hard time finding, when it came to that she often refered them to scrap yards for the interchangeable parts. Shinning however, finally got to talk to Crosswire. Their last conversation was rather funny, “Okay are you looking at the exposed wire?” “Well yes I am, but shouldn’t I have cut the power?” He sounded worried of anything that could happen. Crosswire however knew, or at least claimed he knew, what he was doing. “Look you want this fixed or not?” He heard a groaning yes from the other end of the line, “Alright then, now what you need to do is touch the wire.” Hearing a zap and a bang from the other end Crosswire gave a hum. Crossing something off his list he then made a small note, “Okay so it’s not that one, well good news Mr. Armor that’s one down. We have five more to check. Although it sounds to me like that one is a little hot, you’ll need to mark down which one that is so we can fix that later.” The other end was silent, “Shining Armor?” He waited only to hear a faint groaning, “Come on Mr. Armor don’t sleep on me now… well you can I won’t mind, you’ll just prove your wife right.” It had been a rough three weeks since Shining last called wanting to talk with the carpenter, honestly he could take a shop class… but then again where’s the fun in that? This morning was rather entertaining for one young mare as her phone rang, “Thank you for calling ALL4FUN, my name is Velvetrose is there anything I may be able to help you with?” “I’m sorry but I just found this number hidden under one of the phones in my home, and I was wondering what it was about. My aunts had mentioned it a few times but I hadn’t thought much of it till now.” Her tone was somber yet had a hint of being worried from the mare who answered the phone, “I just need to know, what has my husband been calling this number for?” “Well under normal circumstances we are not allowed to disclose what our customers call in for.” She heard a worried groan from the other end causing Rose to look around before covering her mouth to whisper, “But if you give me his name I’ll see what I can do for you.” She sighed knowing her answers were right at her fingertips yet questioned herself if she wanted them, “His name is Shinning Armor.” “Oh him?” Cadence let out a bewildered huh in response to Velvetrose’s outburst, “Ya he calls in every few days or so, at first he was trying to fix a Pinto or something but then was told he should get a ‘76 Impala.” “That explains why he finally decided to get rid of that old hunk of junk, but he didn’t get the Impala.” Princess Cadence went silent for a moment as she let out an annoyed a sigh, “He got…” “You’re kidding me…” The two mares shared in an embarrassed laugh over the matter, “So he got the… well it is a nice van to have just on looks alone.” Cadence chuckled at the thought, “It is, but I thought he would have gotten something more like the Pinto.” For the time being the two of them chatted about the unborn filly that was being expected, “So what has he been calling for recently? I know he’s been doing a few projects around the castle but… something just doesn’t sit right with me. The other day I came home and a few of the walls looked like he was thrown into them. The guards won’t say anything to me about it.” Looking at the call records from Shining she looked at the listed reasons, “Oh he’s been talking to Crosswire, one of Discord’s foals, he’s our professional electrician. From what I see here he’s been calling about some rewiring. He requested that we not say a word of it to… oh… oh my.” Cadence started laughing at those last few words, “Let me guess, it was me. I knew he couldn’t do it and kept telling him to call somepony.” “Well clearly he took your advice.” The two of them laughed at the irony of it all and how it came to be, “So while we are talking is there anything else you want to chat about?” “I was hoping I could talk to you more about who else Shining has been talking to. Last thing I want or need is him trying to dig a moat because some pony talked him into it.” Groaning as she rubbed her temple Cadence sighed, “Or try to dig a pool.” Looking around she hummed a little before pulling up her call logs, “Well I don’t know who all he’s been talking to, but I can tell you whom I’ve transferred him to the last couple of times.” Hearing Cadence thank her over the phone her jaw slowly dropped, “Oh no… not her.” “Who is it that would make you say that?” “You were worried he would dig a hole for a pool right?” The line was quiet for a moment before she sighed, “Please tell me he didn’t.” “He may be out somewhere digging a hole for just that, or a hot tub. The pony he spoke to yesterday builds them in his spare time.” Letting out a whimper she squeaked into her words, “I’m sorry.” “It’s alright, but why did he want to talk to that pony? Why not one of the few he was already talking with?” Cadence couldn’t help but ponder what was going on. “We~ll…” She started hoping the Princess would understand, “every pony that works here, comes in on a set number of days. And are let off to relax and do as they please, or if it comes down to it they are let go for the day if something happens.” “Something as in medical or accident?” “Yes, very much so. And as it happens Merigold our mechanic was out yesterday and won’t be back till next week.” “So she’s on vacation then. That’s understandable, sometimes I wish I could get a break from my husband.” The two mares laughed at the thought. “Yes she is, and he would have talked to Crosswire yesterday but he’s…” Looking over she saw him floating upside down with his legs in the lotus position. Humming as he floated past her with a smile, “I am one with the cheese as it is one with the universe. I am all and all is one. Come and join me as we eat cake, drink punch, and purge this world with fire.” “he’s not in the best state of mind for anypony to talk to right now.” As he continued to float past her she soon heard a crashing sound. Looking over she saw all seven of her bosses trying to hold him down, “Get his legs… GET HIS LEGS!!” “How can somepony so small and frail be so damn hard to pin down!?” One of them shouted as they pulled out a taser. Hearing the crackling sound she watched as they gave him a quick shock, “But with any luck he should be alright to talk to by the end of the day.” “Fear me for I serve the almighty Cthulhu!” “Hit him again damn it!” Sighing as she ducked down she turned back to her book, “Maybe longer than that. Any ways, if you haven’t seen him at all today then you may want to make sure he hasn’t bought anything yet.” Hearing the door shut on the other end Velvetrose feared it may be too late, “Honey I’m home, and guess what I got.” “We’re good, he got baby formula and…” The line was silent for a moment before Cadence let out a disgruntled groan, “I’ll call you back.” Before Velvetrose could hear the click of the receiver she heard Cadence shouting at Shining Armor, “WHY DID WE NEED A SHOVEL!?” Author's Note Sorry this took so long.
First Call: I'm Wearing A ScarfIt was the first month we had been open and we only had a few ponies working the phone lines, couldn't have been more than five or six of us then, but we knew we had something as the first hotline in all of Equestria. Some said our work was a tad shady and slightly underhanded but we didn't care, it was something to do and make money off of. We spent a fortune in advertising and even made sure we were listed in the phone books across Equestria, most of that cost was spent here in Canterlot where we stood to make the most bits talking business with the elite ponies there. For weeks we sat there waiting for our first call and all that time we worried that we would be snuffed out just as fast as we got started, but just as that day came to an end and we all started to walk out one of the phones began to ring. All of us stood or hoovered there frozen by the sound we had all waited for, on the third ring as we slowly looked at each other we all soon rushed for whichever of the phones were ringing. It was the biggest fight the office had ever seen before or since, Shower Shine lost a few teeth, Bolt Burner got his lower jaw dislocated and others got roughed up just as bad as we all seemed to beat the crap out of each other trying to be the first to answer. As we all stumbled and fought our way between each other the first to answer was a young mare, "Thank you for calling ALL4FUN my name is Zu~ul..." For some reason her eyes glowed red and her voice became deep and sounded like she gargled with rocks when ever she said her name, nopony knew why, "what would you like to talk about this evening?" Normally her voice was sweet and lovely but it was just when she said her name, "Umm... well... normally ponies don't wear clothes so as of right now just a scarf why?" Oh shit I worried this would happen, I had hoped it wouldn't have been her to get that kind of phone call, "Well yes I guess you could say that but I don't..." Poor filly was so innocent she didn't know what was going on, "well yes I can do that. Oh baby..." We almost laughed at how confused she looked and how in her voice we could hear how puzzled she was, "oh baby... oh baby, you are the best?" She managed to keep them on the line for five hours just going back and forth doing as they asked, "Zu~ul, my name is Zu~ul, why do you keep asking for my name?" Poor filly didn't know what was going on but we did. Once the phone call came to an end she thanked them for calling our hotline and smiled as she walked towards us, "So how was it?" I asked hoping to know her thoughts. "Not sure how I'm suppose to feel, at the end of the call they asked me if it felt good for me too. Strangest call I've gotten in my life, though if I had to give an answer I would say..." Tapping her chin as she looked up she thought back to the call and shuttered, "I feel dirty and want to take a bath for the next month straight. But I'm not sure why." As she walked out of the building Swamphole rushed towards her, "Did they tell you who they were?" His question peeked our interest as we listened. Thinking about it she giggled, "You know they never did, but the funny thing is she sounded like Princess Celestia." Giggling as she walked away she nearly shouted, "To think Princess Celestia would call this hotline and act like that." Though she laughed about it we all questioned it as she wished us a good night, before long she turned the corner down the street and was gone. The others soon followed her out the door to go home as well while Swamphole and myself stayed behind to clean up the mess we all made fighting to get to the phone, the two of us laughed at how much of a mess we made trying to answer the damn phone. It was something so simple yet it caused such chaos from just a simple ring. While we laughed about it the phone began to ring again as I pointed at it, "Ya to think something that simple can... cause..." Pausing for a moment we stared at the phone, and just like before we rushed for it from opposing ends of the room. Bumping heads once we got close left us dazed and stumbling around holding our heads as we clambered for the phone, we continued to bump into each other, push each other, and even fought for the phone. Before the ringing could stop Swamphole answered it as he held me to the floor with one of his hooves on my neck, "Thank you for calling ALL4FUN, my name is Swamphole what would you like to talk about this evening?" As he let me up his expression went from eagerly happy to annoyed and slowly growing pissed, "Yes my name is Swamphole... yes go ahead and let it out." I knew that look and that conversation from anywhere, "Well I think it's better than what I was named, I had to have it changed some time back." I recalled how he and I first met and I still can't say his name without laughing, "No my name wasn't always Swamphole, for some reason my parents named me Shitbush. Some kind of a joke my dad came up with, I never got the joke." As he let out a disgruntled sigh he turned to look at me and pointed as he mouthed the words, 'Not one word to the others about this, or I shove this phone up your ass. And you know I will.' He soon turned his attention back to the phone call, "Miss is there anything else you would like to talk about?" As he stood there he soon pulled up a pen and a bit of paper, "No she's out for the evening but will be back just before noon, if you like I'll notify her that you called and a number for her to reach you." As he started to jot down what she said he soon became baffled, "Miss if you wanted to remain anonymous you can say so, but please don't call yourself Princess Celestia. Don't get me wrong you do a wonderful impersonation of her, but I highly doubt that she would call this number and do that to Zuul." As he finished writing down the last bit of information alongside the best time to call back he thanked her for calling us, "Can you believe that crap? Like Celestia would actually call." As he stumbled out the door he posted the note on the wall where Zuul would find it later, once he was gone I looked at the note and turned to stare at the phone. My final words as I started to walk out of the building was full of confusion and uncertainty, "What the fuck just happened?"
Second Call: Princess of the NightFor several weeks Zuul kept receiving the same caller, by now she had gotten used to the routine but still couldn’t figure out what the caller liked about her saying her name. One of the call sessions she had poor Zuul didn’t get what was going on so she called me over and put the session on speaker. “All you have to do is respond to my question that’s all.” Both Zuul and Swamphole were right she did sound like the Princess. “Yes I understand but if you wanted role play we have a pony here who’s so~o much better at it than I.” She wasn’t wrong, we had one mare who was far better at it. Her name was Soultouch, and she had this innate gift for feeling out what you wanted. She could find it in you through touch, hearing your voice, reading your body language, and if she tried hard enough by looking in your eyes. I knew how good she was simply because she and I dated some time back, she also beat the ever loving crap out of me for cheating on her with another mare I had yet to meet. Strange thing was I still loved her, “I know you’ve told me about that doll but please just this once?” She clearly didn’t know the meaning of the phrase give up. Letting out a reluctant sigh Zuul gave in, “All right… but just this once alright?” “But of course, Now lets try this again.” We both could hear a seductive hum, “I would like to speak with Dana.” Before Zuul could respond I slapped my forehead and ran my hand down my face, “There is no Dana, only Zu~ul.” As the caller started to giggle I nearly fell over laughing, “I don’t get the joke.” She rolled her eyes as she took the caller off speaker. Walking away from her before I could embarrass the poor mare another phone started to ring, sadly the one to answer it was Aqua Velvet. Or as she liked to be called Queen Gamer, some of the stallions liked calling her an egotistical pain. Swamphole however often called out to her, “My little lamb chop.” As he crawled up to her on all fours only to get her hoof in his face, “She does love me.” He would often reply, a sad relationship in my opinion if there was one. As the phone rang she picked it up as she continued to quote unquote pwn teh noobs. How she could hear her phone ringing over the music she was blaring was beyond me, she was always blasting either techno or trance as she played her games. Today she was listening to a band she recently came across some time back called Starbomb, I couldn’t quite figure out their genre of music but it was still good none the less. “Thank you for calling ALL4FUN, this is Queen Gamer what would you like to talk about today?” I never seen her jump any faster out of her chair than when she got that call, “Wait… can you give me your name again.” She flagged me to come over looking rather astonished. Once I was there she switched over to speaker, “Well as We have said before this is the Princess of the Night Luna and We would like to discuss this construction called Atari. I have been trying to play the games it holds but I cannot decide on which to start with. Would you happen to have a recommendation?” “One moment please.” She rummaged through her desk and pulled out an old note book in the poorest condition I had ever seen, “Okay, uh… Princess are you still there?” Hearing Luna’s response she flipped a few pages, “Alright then depending on what you like there are several good ones, but I suggest starting with Pitfall and Asteroids. Then try your luck on Space Invaders and Ms. Pac-man, but whatever you do Princess you want to save the best for last.” “And which of these games is the best so We know to save it till then?” She tried to contain her excitement but sounded rather ecstatic to learn what she could. Frantically flipping through her old notes she cursed herself for not keeping them in some kind of order, “Uhh… oh the game you want to save for last is Adventure. It’s the one that has been labeled as the best of all the games that came out for the Atari.” “Thank you for your assistance, one last thing before I go uh… binge gaming we believe the term is. Our sister Celestia came unto us saying ‘It was dangerous for Us to go alone, take this.’ What do We need the banana for?” If there was a single moment I could say Queen pain in the flank was left speechless this was it, her jaw was left hanging open as she just seemed to stare off into space. Her mind had to process what was just presented to her, the joke itself wasn’t lost to her but she didn’t know how to tell Luna she was trolled by Celestia. Come to think of it I think Luna may have fried her brain, Aqua seemed tied between insulting the Princess of the Night and risking a possible follow up call. “Uh~” She trailed off trying to think as she gripped her desk. “Hello… are you still there?” Though Luna tried getting an answer she almost seemed confused, “Is this what a dial tone is? Sister informed us that such a thing sounded annoying.” Before Luna could hang up Aqua snapped out of her little daze, “Oh no Princess I was just…” Looking at another set of notes she kept Aqua quickly read it, “I was looking for what your Sister was talking about. And it just so happens to be I do know what she is talking about, she was hinting away at the old Donkey Kong game for the Atari. Which is another great game might I add.” She turned to look at me shaking her head while mouthing ‘No it’s not’ “Very well then we thank you for your input on the matter, should I need your assistance again I shall call.” Once the call came to an end Aqua started to slump in her chair and tried to return to her game. Leaning over her I smiled as she growled at me, “Get out of my line of sight before I make you.” “But I want to learn about you and the ape you hate.” I was trying to be funny… in hindsight that was a bad idea, Aqua didn’t hesitate to knock me around a few times before she sat down to enjoy her game. Swamphole didn’t make it any better as he came running over shouting, “But I thought you loved me my little violent dove.” He tried diving for her only to be greeted by her fist then held down by her hoof on his head, “Oh you know what I like my little la-” She pressed down harder on his head causing him to grunt slightly, “Call me lamb chop one more time!” Sometimes I wonder when and where I found every last one of them, this dysfunctional group I’m starting to call my family.
Third Call: The Electrician and The MechanicIt had been several months and Princess Luna continued to call in on a weekly basis, her calls were slowly causing Aqua Velvet to beg me to get somepony else to deal with her calls. It annoyed her to no end when I would bow and smiled, “Sorry my liege, but you know just as well as I do that I can’t do that. Not when you are our Queen when it comes to gaming.” I find her cute when she gets angry and shakes her fist at me. Though Aqua and Zuul had the regular customers calling them they were not the only callers, from time to time we got a few random calls that came in. Most were just some ponies wanting to talk, some had a few troubles they needed help sorting out like asking how to get off easy when they forgot their wedding anniversary. I wouldn’t want to be in their shoes when their wives found out. Walking around I checked up on a few of our operators to see how things were going for them, many had a few questions that they couldn’t answer so I told them to transfer to somepony who did. Others were dealing with prank calls, but the joke is on the callers once they get their phone bill. As I continued to check up on a few of our other employees I found an empty spot as its phone started to ring, “Thank you for calling ALL4FUN, my name is Shadowstep what would you like to talk about today?” My father was a fan of novels and movies that featured misunderstood anti-heroes, and my name was some kind of play off of that but neither my mother or I could see the connection. “Ya…” The poor guy sounded hesitant to say the least but as to why I didn’t know, “so my wife has challenged my stallion hood by saying I couldn’t do a little electrical work here in the house. And I said I could, what I need help with right now is one of my light switches is not working.” Very clear case that he should have called an electrician not us, “I never keep manuals in the castle because I say I don’t need them, that and I know she would notice if one of them was moved. But I had heard from my in laws, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, that you guys are discreet and should have somepony there I can talk to.” It was then my jaw dropped as I looked over to Zuul, “Huh… ya…” I was shocked to have learned that Princess Celestia actually has been calling, “ya, w-we have somepony who can help let me see if he’s in right now.” But I think I was more shocked to realize I was talking to Shining Armor, I had always thought he would sound more on the grough side than colt band lead. Looking around I couldn’t find any sign of Crosswire, you think that the youngest foal between Fluttershy and Discord would be easier to keep track of. I mean for crying out loud he was born an earth pony, yet for some strange reason he can use magic… not sure how that happen let alone how that works. But then again his father is Discord, I’ve been trying to talk him into introducing me to his very sexy older sister Timid Turvey. Anyway when I couldn’t find him I did manage to spot Swamphole and waved him over, ‘You got a caller, and you flagged me…” He whispered with a raised eyebrow, ‘alright I’ll bite what’s this about?’ ‘Is Crosswire here today or is he off?’ ‘As he is right now… here is a relative term at this point.’ ‘Tartarus you mean relative? Is he or isn’t he here?’ I was starting to worry, he was the only pony here who knew all about electrical. Guy was a genious when it came to it, he even rewired the whole office building. Hearing the clearing of Shining’s voice my attention was brought back to the call, “So is there somepony there or not, because I don’t want Cadence finding out I have no clue what I am doing.” “Yes just one more minute, as of right now we are looking for the pony we like to call The Electrician.” I was hesitant in saying that hoping I wasn’t lying to him, ‘Start talking and start talking fast asshole, is he here or not?’ ‘Again it’s relative at this point in time.’ Pointing into the upper corner of the office near a vent as a means to show me that yes he was here, well his body was but clearly his mind was out at the moment. He was working on an old ham radio trying to get it to pick up FM frequencies, his hands had clear signs he had been zapped a few times. What added to it was he had started singing or talking to himself I didn’t care which, “I'm gonna feel the way I do~o to~oday, 'cause you-you nutsy chick, you broad-you make me feel so young. Boom.” Now I was starting to wonder if he was singing to take his mind off of work or if his mind was picking up radio signals and he was the speaker, “Oh boys, that was terrible. I'm going out, I'm gonna have a smoke. When I come back, get the horn section figured out, I can't work like this.” “Huh…Mr. Armor sir, as of right now our electrical specialist is…” Tied up at the moment, stepped out for lunch, called in sick, his mother is sick, dad died, “dealing with another caller. Would it be alright if I connected you with our mechanic? She knows a lot about cars and how to fix them, perhaps she can help you with anything motor related for the time being?” His end of the line was quiet for a moment before I heard him hum, “Well my old car is having a few problems, and I have done what I can but I still can figure out everything. Ya I’ll talk to her till your other guy is ready.” “Alright then I’ll transfer you over to her right now, and I think the electrician should be done in about five minutes.” It was then we all saw the lights flicker for a quick second as Crosswire got zapped again and twitched for a moment, “Two on, two out, Bonds is up again. Swung on, oh! That struck the ballmare, knocked her cold! Today's game, by the way, is brought to you by Teddies Melody. If it isn’t in harmony then it wasn’t made at Teddies Melody.” As he continued to report a baseball game he resumed working on the radio. “On second thought it might be a little longer than that.” Putting him on hold I called out to Merigold telling her she had Shining Armor waiting on line 3 before I pulled Swamphole in closer to myself, “Okay how in the endless depths of Tartarus did that happen?” “You got me, he just showed up with it this morning. Walked up the wall and started working on it, he was certain that he could get it to pick up FM frequencies. That was the third time he’s been zapped so far, kinda surprised he’s still alive actually.” I face palmed myself as I let go of Swamhole, “Okay we have very limited time before Merigold gets done helping Shining Armor, in that time we need to get him down and get him back to normal.” “What even is normal, I mean he’s one of Discord’s foals. So normal could be anything for him.” As the lights flickered for a second time we all heard a thud causing those of us who were free for the moment to rush over, finding Crosswire as a steaming heap on the ground as he twitched I nudged him with my hoof. Hearing him groan I knew he was alive… somehow, ordering everypony to return to their work space we were all unaware of when he had gotten back up on his hooves. Working his way through the crowd of us he began letting out a series of eeks, whoops, and clicking noises that made many of us think he was a pair of whales. We all watched him do this for around two minutes before Swamphole hit him upside the head with one of the folding chairs we had, “Why the fuck did you do that?” Swamphole shrugged his shoulders, “What you wanted him to return to normal, it just made sense. Knock him out and let his brain reset, kinda like shutting off a computer then turning it back on.” “He is not a machine damn it!” Rubbing my head as I tried to figure out what to do next I walked over to Merigold to listen in and guess how much time we had. “Okay so you found a little water in your gas tank, there are two possibilities I know of on how this could happen. The first is it got in there last time you filled up or a prank by somepony, the second is condensation from the weather. Now depending on how long it has been we can fix this.” Looking up at me she frowned as she shook her head, “Okay the first option though expensive is to replace the remaining amount of gas, take it all out and just replace it with fresh gas. The other option is to use a nice little fuel additive called heet, that is spelled H-E-E-T and it only works so long as there is very little water.” “Okay well It’s been like this for about two weeks now.” With those words she started beating her head on the desk. “Has the water been in there for two weeks or are you saying you’ve been trying to solve this for two weeks?” “Does it matter?” I’m going to strangle his dumbass. She mouthed towards me, “Okay since we can not determine the length of time we can only guess at how damaged your car is. That being said you have one of two options here, take it to a professional who can try and salvage the car. Or, sell it for what you can and buy a good fixer upper. Now you can also just empty the gas tank and leave it empty for a few days so it can dry out.” “Okay well this is a rather old sports car, and though me and my wife have enjoyed it. It seats only two, and well I have a foal on the way. I was thinking of getting a van but what do you recommend?” She was rather nonchalant as she looked over a list of good family vehicles, “Well lets see there’s the Ford E-series, from what I hear that’s pretty good.” “Ya but I’m only having the one foal at the moment, and I’ve been leaning towards the 1964 VW. I’ve always admired that from a far.” Merigold burst out laughing when she heard that, “THE SHAG WAGON!?” She gasped for air as she muttered my dear sweet Celestia, “If you were planning on just the one foal forget it, you get the shag wagon then you are going to want the E-series. My old Stallion had the shag wagon at the same time he and mom had me, then they dropped twelve more of my brothers and sisters because of the shag.” “So~o… they shagged…” “In the shag yes.” Funny… you think you know a pony, “Okay you want a family vehicle that you will love, I suggest the '67 Impala. I’ve got a list of used but still in excellent condition, I swear they look and sound like they just came off the line. And bonus, you will have enough bits left over that you can buy a torn down one in a scrap yard and build it back up.” “I don’t know, is the Impala really a good family car. I mean it looks nice but I don’t know.” He sounded hesitant and unsure, but if anypony could get him thinking about this it was Merigold. Our sweet and cute little mechanic, we just don’t say that to her face. Last time somepony did say that to her, she rigged their car to start only a certain way and they could never figure it out… I miss my ‘66 SS. “Do you think Cadence will like the Impala? She hardly likes my Pinto, actually she hates the Pinto. Often refers to it as the P.O.S. Pinto, but I never figured out why.” It went silent between them before Shining spoke up again, “In fact the Pinto is the car I’ve been talking to you about and trying to fix.” Merigold slowly turned her head to look up at me as she mouthed, ‘I stand corrected… I’m going to slowly torture his dumb ass.’ I patted her on the shoulder, “Okay look you want to look like a stallion in front of your wife again? Then go for the Impala, it's the very definition of a stallion's car. And the VW is for widdle baby fillies, and you don’t want to be a widdle baby filly. You want to be a stallion your wife is proud of, a stallion that has ‘WELCOME ABOARD’ tattooed on his penis!” “I was thinking of getting a fairy tattoo at one point.” As she closed her eyes I started backing away before she could grab something and beat me with it. Going back over to Crosswire I soon discovered he was missing… again, worried I ran over only to find him sitting with his legs crossed… and with a bong. Calmly walking towards him I feared what this could mean but still had to check on him, “Are you okay?” “I’m fine ma~an. The world is my bowl.” “Do you know where you are, or even who you are?” “Where? Na~ah… but life is a mystery, just one big journey with no real rhyme, reason, or meaning. And me? I’m John Lennon,” Snapping his fingers his thumb was set aflame, “and I’m going to join Lucy in the Sky to get some Diamonds. Wanna join me?” As he started smoking it was more than clear to me that he was baked, and we were royally fucked. Discord wasn’t going to care one way or another, he was just going to laugh. It was Fluttershy I was worried about, and what she would do if she found out about this. Walking over with a laugh Swamphole reached down to grab the bong, “Oh~ho, I didn’t know you partook. Let me get a hit of that.” Pulling him away from both Crosswire and the bong, “Call Discord.” “I thought you were scared of that guy.” “I’m not scared of Discord, Discord is cool, he’s great to hang out with. But it's Fluttershy I’m scared of.” Smiling he tapped me on the cheek, “You kidding, his mom is mellow… and sexy. I mean she is one sexy mare and I would love to-” Sitting him down in the chair I started to sweat, “You have no clue the wrath she will bring upon us, she makes a roided out Hulk look peaceful and calm.” “How roided out are we talking here?” “Enough to make Supermare look like a little bitch under a blue sun. So call Discord and let’s hope he can fix this, and Fluttershy remains out of the loop.” “Ya… okay… calling the spirit of disharmony so we can keep the harmony, gotcha.” As he started to dial the number he paused for a moment, “You know we could just hit him on the head again, clearly that worked.” “No it did not work like we wanted it, you can’t paint a failure up to look like success. Now make the damn call!” As he finished dialing he grumbled, “Ya, ya, ya.”
Forth Call: Princess Cadence Wants AnswersIt had been about a year since ALL4FUN started up and in that time they had gathered a few constant callers. Celestia had her fun and slowly started having simple conversations with Zuul, Luna had become quite the gamer keeping Aqua Velvet on her hooves with questions and challenges. Honestly the ponies in charge started to question who was the better gamer, Velvet or Luna? As the month went by even Shining Armor had started calling more and more about his need to prove himself to his wife, poor stallion should just toss in the towel and admit that some things he just can’t do. And though it was entertaining for those around her, Merigold was glad that she was finally rid of him as her main caller. Many of her main callers now worked in car shops and need either a few quick fixes or a part they had a hard time finding, when it came to that she often refered them to scrap yards for the interchangeable parts. Shinning however, finally got to talk to Crosswire. Their last conversation was rather funny, “Okay are you looking at the exposed wire?” “Well yes I am, but shouldn’t I have cut the power?” He sounded worried of anything that could happen. Crosswire however knew, or at least claimed he knew, what he was doing. “Look you want this fixed or not?” He heard a groaning yes from the other end of the line, “Alright then, now what you need to do is touch the wire.” Hearing a zap and a bang from the other end Crosswire gave a hum. Crossing something off his list he then made a small note, “Okay so it’s not that one, well good news Mr. Armor that’s one down. We have five more to check. Although it sounds to me like that one is a little hot, you’ll need to mark down which one that is so we can fix that later.” The other end was silent, “Shining Armor?” He waited only to hear a faint groaning, “Come on Mr. Armor don’t sleep on me now… well you can I won’t mind, you’ll just prove your wife right.” It had been a rough three weeks since Shining last called wanting to talk with the carpenter, honestly he could take a shop class… but then again where’s the fun in that? This morning was rather entertaining for one young mare as her phone rang, “Thank you for calling ALL4FUN, my name is Velvetrose is there anything I may be able to help you with?” “I’m sorry but I just found this number hidden under one of the phones in my home, and I was wondering what it was about. My aunts had mentioned it a few times but I hadn’t thought much of it till now.” Her tone was somber yet had a hint of being worried from the mare who answered the phone, “I just need to know, what has my husband been calling this number for?” “Well under normal circumstances we are not allowed to disclose what our customers call in for.” She heard a worried groan from the other end causing Rose to look around before covering her mouth to whisper, “But if you give me his name I’ll see what I can do for you.” She sighed knowing her answers were right at her fingertips yet questioned herself if she wanted them, “His name is Shinning Armor.” “Oh him?” Cadence let out a bewildered huh in response to Velvetrose’s outburst, “Ya he calls in every few days or so, at first he was trying to fix a Pinto or something but then was told he should get a ‘76 Impala.” “That explains why he finally decided to get rid of that old hunk of junk, but he didn’t get the Impala.” Princess Cadence went silent for a moment as she let out an annoyed a sigh, “He got…” “You’re kidding me…” The two mares shared in an embarrassed laugh over the matter, “So he got the… well it is a nice van to have just on looks alone.” Cadence chuckled at the thought, “It is, but I thought he would have gotten something more like the Pinto.” For the time being the two of them chatted about the unborn filly that was being expected, “So what has he been calling for recently? I know he’s been doing a few projects around the castle but… something just doesn’t sit right with me. The other day I came home and a few of the walls looked like he was thrown into them. The guards won’t say anything to me about it.” Looking at the call records from Shining she looked at the listed reasons, “Oh he’s been talking to Crosswire, one of Discord’s foals, he’s our professional electrician. From what I see here he’s been calling about some rewiring. He requested that we not say a word of it to… oh… oh my.” Cadence started laughing at those last few words, “Let me guess, it was me. I knew he couldn’t do it and kept telling him to call somepony.” “Well clearly he took your advice.” The two of them laughed at the irony of it all and how it came to be, “So while we are talking is there anything else you want to chat about?” “I was hoping I could talk to you more about who else Shining has been talking to. Last thing I want or need is him trying to dig a moat because some pony talked him into it.” Groaning as she rubbed her temple Cadence sighed, “Or try to dig a pool.” Looking around she hummed a little before pulling up her call logs, “Well I don’t know who all he’s been talking to, but I can tell you whom I’ve transferred him to the last couple of times.” Hearing Cadence thank her over the phone her jaw slowly dropped, “Oh no… not her.” “Who is it that would make you say that?” “You were worried he would dig a hole for a pool right?” The line was quiet for a moment before she sighed, “Please tell me he didn’t.” “He may be out somewhere digging a hole for just that, or a hot tub. The pony he spoke to yesterday builds them in his spare time.” Letting out a whimper she squeaked into her words, “I’m sorry.” “It’s alright, but why did he want to talk to that pony? Why not one of the few he was already talking with?” Cadence couldn’t help but ponder what was going on. “We~ll…” She started hoping the Princess would understand, “every pony that works here, comes in on a set number of days. And are let off to relax and do as they please, or if it comes down to it they are let go for the day if something happens.” “Something as in medical or accident?” “Yes, very much so. And as it happens Merigold our mechanic was out yesterday and won’t be back till next week.” “So she’s on vacation then. That’s understandable, sometimes I wish I could get a break from my husband.” The two mares laughed at the thought. “Yes she is, and he would have talked to Crosswire yesterday but he’s…” Looking over she saw him floating upside down with his legs in the lotus position. Humming as he floated past her with a smile, “I am one with the cheese as it is one with the universe. I am all and all is one. Come and join me as we eat cake, drink punch, and purge this world with fire.” “he’s not in the best state of mind for anypony to talk to right now.” As he continued to float past her she soon heard a crashing sound. Looking over she saw all seven of her bosses trying to hold him down, “Get his legs… GET HIS LEGS!!” “How can somepony so small and frail be so damn hard to pin down!?” One of them shouted as they pulled out a taser. Hearing the crackling sound she watched as they gave him a quick shock, “But with any luck he should be alright to talk to by the end of the day.” “Fear me for I serve the almighty Cthulhu!” “Hit him again damn it!” Sighing as she ducked down she turned back to her book, “Maybe longer than that. Any ways, if you haven’t seen him at all today then you may want to make sure he hasn’t bought anything yet.” Hearing the door shut on the other end Velvetrose feared it may be too late, “Honey I’m home, and guess what I got.” “We’re good, he got baby formula and…” The line was silent for a moment before Cadence let out a disgruntled groan, “I’ll call you back.” Before Velvetrose could hear the click of the receiver she heard Cadence shouting at Shining Armor, “WHY DID WE NEED A SHOVEL!?” Author's Note Sorry this took so long.
