"-FUCK?!"

Brian's profanity echoed back at them through the trees, and the forest went even quieter in response.

"C-can you not yell, bro?" Carl slowly took a knee, digging his fingers into the mulch and dirt at his feet in fascination. He flinched as an insect skurried away between his fingers. "Dude..."

"What just happened?" Brian shouted, turning slowly on the spot. "Where is the 'Con? Where are we? How did we lose an entire city?"

"Boys," Amy pointed at Zach, voice clipped, "What are you wearing?"

Zach looked down at himself sharply, bringing a hand to his chest...

...and clanked.

His armor wasn't made of plastic.

In fact, he wasn't wearing what he went to the convention in. Full-bodied, startlingly lightweight plate armor and maile. Similar to the plastic version perhaps, but...

"Dude!" Carl patted himself down, then turned his oversized hat right-side-up and shook it, sending the book thudding to the ground. All of his wizard's accouterments seemed much... rougher. Lifelike. Realistic. He opened a pouch and a bundle of green and orange herbs tumbled out. "Where's my swag? Hell, where's my snacks?"

Zach flexed his fingers, creaking inside real leather gloves. "Carl. Priorities please. We're in the middle of a forest when we were at a convention seconds ago. Shouldn't that be more-"

"It's all real," Brian noted, pulling one of his long, jagged black daggers out of the sheath on his belt. "My costume is all real stuff now."

All four of them spent a good few minutes patting themselves down, examining their new clothing and gear. Amy plucked at the silk sleeves of her robe, concern worrying into her face. "This is all very cool and all, but where are we?"

The four of them looked at each other with increasing dread, panic rising quickly with every moment of silence. In a fit of precognition, Zach suddenly became very aware that things could only get much, much worse.

His pessimism was justified a second later.

"I can tell you where you're not."

The voice, or more, three voices in unison, hissed as something large descended from the trees with predatory grace. The tiger's-head grinned, baring saber-teeth. Zach froze, eyes sliding up to the goat head just behind it. "T-that's impossible..."

The serpent-tail wound it's way around the tiger's body to see them, adding its own sibilant hiss. "You are definitely, not... sssafe..."

"What the holy hell is that thing?" Brian shouted as he pulled out his second dagger. Carl jammed his wizard's hat on his head and picked up the leatherbound AD&D book, preparing to use it as a bludgeon. Amy gave a small scream and scrambled away, grabbing a crooked branch off the ground. All four of them quickly took steps backwards, away from the beast.

"It's a chimera!" Zach reported. "I've seen one before, it's a chimera!"

Brian took a moment to spare him a confused look. "Yeah, I can see that! What do we do?"

Zach grasped the sheath of the sword in his free hand, pulling it free with a heroic ring of honed steel. At that noise, the situation changed for everyone. Brian spun both his knives into reverse grips, crouching down, and Carl took an aggressive step forward, book raised higher. Zach tossed the sheath aside, saluting the beast with both hands on the grip and channeling his inner role-player. Zach was not useful here. Dawn Herdwatcher, Twice-Hero of Greyhawk, was who he needed to be. "We stand together! Chimera!"

"Oh? Yes?" All three heads looked surprised at the sudden change in demeanor. The tiger in particular seemed wary of the gleaming steel.

"I know of your weaknesses, and I will spare you happily if you should leave us be! Pray, tell us where we stand?" Zach lowered the sword, it was too heavy to hold up for too long.

"Oh, we're in the Centauri foothills, it's a very nice place since we moved here-" the goat head bleated happily before the tiger cut it off.

"Quiet, sister! Can you not have a conversation with our next meal every time one happens to talk?"

Brian clanged his daggers together, joining in on the facade. "Beware, beast! We will be no meal today!"

"You know not the forces with which you mettle!" Amy cried, voice shifted to the one she used when she playing Arin Silverbell, throwing her branch-arm wide and swirling her robe dramatically.

"I HAVE A BOOK AND I WILL BASH YOUR MOTHERFRIKIN FACE IN!" Carl screamed. "ALL FUKKIN' THREE OF 'EM! DON'T YOU FUKKIN' TRY ME, BITCH!"

"Classy, Carl. Smooth." Amy muttered.

"Nice try,"the tiger head growled. "I've never seen your kind before, but I can smell your fear."

"I can sssee your muscles ssshake..." the serpent hissed.

"You're fat!" the goat brayed.

"Fuck you!" Brian yelled, trying and failing to suck in his belly. "I'm not that fat!"

Zach took another step forward, lowering the sword point to dance between all three faces, point hovering mere inches away and trying very hard not to let it shake so much. His hands sweated like rivers in his gloves. "If you will not let us be, I will kill you, chimera."

All three heads rolled their eyes. "Oh, I doubt that."

"Look out!" Carl yelled.

Zach only registered what happened after he was already stumbling away: the chimera's paw had come up and batted his hands aside with force like a speeding truck. The sword went flying, bouncing and sliding across the leaves, and a stinging pain shot through Zach's left wrist.

Brian lunged toward the chimera, swinging both knives wildly. The snake head jerked back out of reach, and one of the goat's hooves caught him squarely in the thigh. "Gah! Zach! Strategy!"

"Shit shit OW! Shit!" Zach scrambled over a bush to get to his sword, pain lancing through his arm. "I think my wrist is broken!"

"Yeah? STRATEGY! NOW!"

"Uh..." Zach got his sword back into his hand, spinning back to face the fight and dragging the tip behind him. Carl was taking quick steps back, swinging his book as the serpent head snapped at him. "Music! The snake head can go down to a lullaby! Applejack used it's speed and mass against the rest it! Hey! Over here, you shithead!"

"Apple-who?" Brian asked, taking a hobbling step away.

"BRIAN!"

Amy's warning was to late, as the tiger's claws lashed out and swatted Brian's arm, sending him sprawling and a spray of crimson blood flying across the clearing. The world seemed to slow down and drain of color as Zach's mind and body drifted in two different directions.

That was blood. That was a lot of blood.

He raised the sword over his head and charged, screaming.

We need to save him. It's gonna kill him. It's gonna kill us all.

The chimera turned to face him, all three heads locking eyes on him.

It's gonna kill me.

Zach's charge and yell faltered as he realized how hopeless and foolish this was. A beast twice his size, all the raw power of a predator and three sets of eyes to avoid, a monster no human could take on-

The snake-head vanished rather suddenly as Carl smashed it with his book.

"Amy! Now!" Carl yelled, neatly sidestepping a lightning-fast kick from the goat-legs and swinging his book again, missing the goat's head by a mile.

Zach snapped back to reality as Amy's thrown stick came sailing through the air and cracked the tiger-head squarely across the jaw. Zach lunged the last few feet and swung his sword as hard as he could.

The blade bit deep, twisting in his grip and bouncing off of the bone above the creature's shoulder. All three heads screeched, and Zach managed to avoid the retaliatory swipe of the claws by falling over backwards and splaying across the leaves.

The chimera had had enough, apparently, and leapt away, dazed snake-head trailing behind it. Pained howling and bleating faded quickly into the trees as it vanished.

And like that, it was over.

Everyone held still, Zach could hear his heartbeat pounding in his ears and feel it in his temple, vision swimming. Carl shifted nervously, book cocked back over his shoulder as he scanned the trees. A pitiful groan came from Zach's right as Brian tried and failed to roll himself onto his side.

"Brian!" Amy ran to her brother's side, gingerly helping him roll onto his back. "Oh God. Oh... oh God..."

"That bad?" Brian moaned, sounding oddly calm. Zach scrambled over on his hands and knees as Carl unclasped his cape and pressed it down hard on his bloody arm before Zach got a good look. Brian hissed, skin pale and sweaty.

"Dude's going into shock, Carl said, nodding at Brian's legs. "Prop him up."

"Yeah, guys?" Brian closed his eyes as Zach shrugged off his small backpack and positioned his friend's legs on it. "This kinda hurts."

Carl gave a high-pitched, unconvincing chuckle. "Heh. I bet. You're gonna be ok, broskie, I got ya. Talk to him, Amy, I gotta focus. Bro, c'mere, I can't cover all the cuts, give me a hand. Pressure. We gotta keep pressure on everything. Pressure."

Zach nodded dumbly, crawling hands-and-knees around to Brian's other side and kneeling shoulder-to-shoulder with Carl. He wrapped his good hand around the now-soaking cape and pressed down. Sickeningly, he felt bone give and the arm bend in the wrong place as he did.

Brian shuddered, eyes rolling into the back of his head.

Amy gave a sob, scooting across the leaves to cradle her brother's head in her lap. "Ssh, ssh, Bry, you're gonna be Ok. We got you. Carl knows what he's doing..."

"Do you know what you're doing?" Zach asked, much louder than he meant to. Everything sounded oddly muffled.

"Yuh-huh." Carl nodded, freeing himself a hand to push up his glasses leaving a bloody smear on the corner. "I got America's Army Two on Gog, like, a couple weeks ago. You gotta to sit through a combat lifesaving class if you want to be the Medic class. It's really cool, actually. Keep pressure, bro."

Amy giggled, tears running her makeup down her face. "F-fucking really? You learned first-aid from a video game? Never change, you faggot."

“Heh, yeah, good thing, huh?” Carl giggled, both hands back on the cape. “Ok, cool, the bleeding is slowing, that’s good. That's good. While we’re sitting here waiting for him to stop, uh, making a mess, can anyone think of something to use as a splint?”

“Uh, my sheath is around here, somewhere?” Zach pointed out. Carl shook his head.

“Too long. Actually, Amy's stick look about perfect if we broke it in half. Just keep still, for now.”

Amy nodded, rubbing Brian’s good shoulder. “Hear that, Bri? You’re gonna be fine!”

“Uung!” Brian groaned, “Yeah, that’s pretty good, huh? Still hurts!”

“Well, no shit, Sherlock! You got mauled by a tiger! How many guys can say they walked away from that?” Amy sniffed back more tears, smiling.

“Chimera. It had three heads.”

“Shut up, Zach. I’d slap you if I thought it wouldn’t hurt me more." Brian grumbled, getting a slightly more authentic laugh out of Amy as she shifted her support of his head and neck. It cut off shortly as they heard a faint… ringing. Zach’s mouth fell open as the first mote of light sparkled down in front of him.

"Dude… what?" Carl looked down from trying to undo one of his belts with a free hand to see golden light, brighter than the sunlight, shining over Brian. "Dude. What?"

"Is... is that normal? Carl?" Zach asked, leaning away. Brian blinked blearily and craned his neck to try and watch, fascinated.

Amy lifted her hands slightly, the light getting brighter. "I... I think I started it. It's... it's gonna be Ok."

"What the fuck is going on?" Zach asked.

"Today's shit is going way too fucking fast, bro. That's what the fuck is going on," Carl said, scooting back as the glow focused itself on Brian’s arm.

"It's healing me," Brian said. He shifted himself into a more upright position. "No, seriously, Amys’ healing me. I just felt my bone move back and it doesn't hurt anymore." He pushed himself fully upright as the lights played around him, and he pulled the blood-soaked cape away, revealing his torn sleeve and a trio of knotted scars that were slowly fading into his skin, his entire arm caked in his own blood. But no actual injury.

"Holy shit." Amy swore, and the light winked out instantly. Brian winced and grabbed the spot gingerly, massaging the now-sealed cuts.

"Ok, maybe it's still sore, but it's not broken. How'd you do that?"

"I don't fucking know!" Amy moaned, rubbing furiously at her face to wipe away the tear-tracks.

Brian sighed heavily, rolling to his knees and picking up his daggers to slot them back into their sheaths. "I think I'm starting to figure it out, though. Has anyone besides me see the Dungeons and Dragons cartoon?"

Amy raised her hand, and Zach and Carl blinked. Brian shrugged, used to this reaction, and summed it up. "Buncha nerds get transported to a fantasy world, got their character's powers and shit. We got something like that going on."

"A good summary as any," Amy said, sighing. She looked too tired to make a proper smartass remark.

Zach nodded along with Carl, then stopped. His eyes got unfocused as the rest of his stress-torn mind caught up with him. "Oh fuck me. I know where we are."

"Awesome, dude. How? Can we just chill for a bit, too?" Carl sat back, sighing. Brian crossed his legs, trying to wipe blood off of himself.

"Where, man? This might be important."

"I think it is. When he asked if there was any place I'd like to go, and he said 'real or not....' Oh man, you guys are about to lose so much respect for me..." Zach almost buried his face in his hands before remembering they respectively sprained and were covered in bloody gloves, feeling the heat rise in his face like a volcano. "I thought of my favorite fantasy world. I... I thought of MLP."

The group was silent for a second. Amy was the first to speak up.

"What's M-L-P?"

Zach felt his face go even redder, he could hear his heart pounding in his temples as Carl spoke slowly. "It's uh, short for My Little Pony, I think. It's that-"

"I know what it is," Brian bit out. Zach looked up in shock at the absolute venom in his voice.

"Herdwatcher. Dawn Herdwatcher. Oh my god, you MASSIVE FUCKING FAGGOT!" Brian leapt to his feet. Zach found himself scrambling upright against a tree, armor clanking. "You named your character, the freaking savior of Greyhawk twice over... AFTER A LITTLE GIRL CARTOON?"

"H-hey, now, it's not-"

"YOU SENT US TO FREAKING PONYLAND?!"

"Umm, it's actually called-"

"FINISH THAT SENTENCE, I DARE YOU!"

Brian was visibly shaking, hands gripping the pommels of his daggers with white knuckles under his own drying blood. Amy looked more afraid for her life than when the chimera had been trying to eat them. "Zach, I don't think you should finish that sentence."

A new voice added itself to the mix above them.

"What in Celestia's name did I just fly in on?"

Zach looked up to see a figure hovering over them. A figure he never expected to see. A pegasus. Mustard-brown coat, purple eyes, greyscale mane under a pith helmet. Four hooves, two wings, and a compass. His head spun at the sheer improbability of what he was seeing, before finally shutting down and letting his mouth run on autopilot.

"Oh. You're Daring Doo," he said bluntly. The pegasus’ jaw was already hanging open in surprise, but it truly dropped at that. Zach eased himself into a sitting position against the tree, cradling his wrist. “I’m in Equestria, and you’re Daring Doo.... I didn’t like your episode much.”

“What?” Daring Doo shook her head sharply. “My... my what? What the flying feathers are you talking about? Who the flying feathers are you?”

“I'm Zach,” Zach breathed, still in awe. “You’re Daring Doo. Adventure-horse. Oh wow.”

All five individuals present stared at each other, no motion besides the pegasus' gentle flapping to remain airborne. Carl broke the stillness by flopping over backwards, throwing his hands up and splaying himself across the leaves.

"Can today just stop with the bullshit?"

To Be Continued in Chapter 2: Catching One's Breath

Author's Note

Things Mr. Welch is No Longer Allowed To Do In An RPG #1785: I can't play an anthropomorphic homo sapiens.

I made this as not-shit as possible while hitting all the Displaced mememes, how am I doing?