Random Life (Book Thing 1)

“So how was your weekend Corbin? It’s been kind of scary without you here, knowing that every guard and the princesses themselves watching my every move.” Chrysalis said with a slight shudder as she slowly drank her coffee. We were sitting in the living room of my new house, courtesy of the chaos magic Discord gave me, chatting about how both our weekends went. It was safe to say that mine was pretty eventful, some good, some bad, and some just downright weird. But Chrysalis had a tough ride ahead of her, she and the princesses still had yet to come to a final agreement as to where her hive would live.

“Yea, it would be pretty fucking scary knowing that an entire army and two gods were watching your every move, but don’t worry I’ll fend them off for ya cause fuck em’, you’re a good person-pony-thing with a good heart.” I say, taking another sip of my coffee that I may or may not have laced with rum.

“Well, thank you for letting me stay with you here, even if Luna is here a lot of the time.” Chrysalis said with a smile before picking up my coffee blend when I tried to reach for it. “And what did you put in this, may I ask?” a knowing smirk on her face.

“Ya know coffee, creamer, rum, and sugar. And don’t you give me that look, happy hour is every hour!” I exclaim in an over dramatic tone and pose. Chrysalis just giggled at my antics and passed me a new cup of coffee, and much to my dismay it was straight black so it sobered me up pretty fast. “And you know better than to drink in the morning.” She said, but I decided to be a smart ass for a moment. “I don’t mean to be technical or anything, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.” I say with a shit eating grin, only for her to give me a deadpan stare. That is until she caved and busted out laughing.

“So, would you care to tell me how your weekend went?” She asked. “Okay, okay, I’ll tell you, everything started off fine until…..”

-Flashback to Friday-

I walked into my new house that had only been made a few days prior, and found a sight that almost made me fall to the ground laughing. There on my couch was a sleeping pony Luna with her head hanging off almost on the floor with her other half on the couch backwards. It reminded me of when my cousin and I sat upside down on the couch and tried to play House of the Dead on the Wii, but I had a very bad idea on how to wake her up.

I slowly made my way over to her sleeping form, “it would be a shame if someone were to, say, flip her awake…” Jon said with a creepy giggle. As I was reaching down to grab the cushions Luna’s hoof shot out and hit the one and only thing blocking it’s way, my nuts. The amount of pain that shot through me could not be described, and to add insult to injury the amount of force that I was hit with sent me through the living room wall right into the kitchen.

Luna jumped up the couch and ran to my side, “I’m sorry Corbin, I didn’t mean to hit you, I thought you were an intruder!” she said in a worried tone, “Are you okay, where did I hit you?” she asked, I somehow managed a reply. “Nuts…plus…hooves…are…bad” I weezed while clutching my, hopefully intact nuts.

“Of all the places that I could of hit, why there! I’m so sorry Corbin, here let me help.” As Luna’s horn started to glow, she leaned down and touched my head and in an instant the pain vanished. Breathing a sigh of relief, I stood up and checked myself, and was pleased to see that my family jewels were still intact. I looked up to see Luna with her head hung low with a guilty expression and a slight blush. “Hey, it’s ok Luna it was an accident. And I get the guilty look but why the blush?” I ask, genuinely confused, Luna just looked at me and pointed. I looked to where she was pointing and I almost died of embarrassment. Somehow between the time of checking myself and talking to Luna I had sprung a boner, and I know that we already did it but it was still embarrassing.

I looked back up to Luna and what I saw made my heart start beating faster, Luna was staring at me with a half lidded gaze as she had her way over to me, swaying her hips all the way. She wrapped forelegs around me and whispered into my ear, “You know, I could help you with that…” the tone of her voice sent a shiver down my back. “Whatever you do DON’T fuck up, well not in the bad way at least.” Jon said, I just completely ignored him. In the time it took him to talk Luna was already trying to get my pants unbuttoned, but to no avail. I decided to give a hand and undid my pants, letting them fall down to my ankles, leaving me only in my boxers with a massive tent in the middle. Luna was just about to take them off when the door slammed opened, “Hey Corbin why didn’t-” There in the door way was non-other than Kim looking dumbstruck. Luna just eeped and ran out of the room, I just looked at Kim with a deadpan expression, “Of all the fucking times you could have come, why now?” I asked. “I have no words to explain the rage I feel inside.” Jon sounded pissed, and that was an understatement.

“I was bored, it’s not like I knew you were about to get lucky. I’m guessing your mad?” Kim asked, reverting to her normal ‘I don’t give a fuck’ attitude. “Mad, no. irritated, yes, because I’m going to have a case of blue balls for the rest of the fuckin’ day!” I really had no other things to say so I just pulled my pants back on and asked, “So, anyway, what are you doing here. It’s only eleven, you normally don’t get up till around one.” Usually when Kim was up earlier than normal, she had something important happening that day.

“Ya Celestia sent me to tell you that she wanted to talk to you about some committee and Luna, she also said to come alone, don’t ask me why cause I don’t know. Also why do I smell blueberries?” Kim asked, i really had no idea why the house smelt like blueberries, “I don’t know, it’s smelt like this for a while now, meh, I’ll figure it out later. Anyway, that’s kind of weird that Celestia wants me to come alone, but who am I to argue against a god, what’s that in your hand?” I asked, pointing to the rolled up paper in her hand.

“Oh ya, this thing, Celestia said for you to open it and for me not too. Don’t know why and nor do I care, so open the damed thing!” Kim said while tossing me the scroll. As soon as I opened it a bright flash blinded me, when I looked around I saw that I was back in the castle, where in it I don’t know, I was in one of the many maze like corridors.

“Well shit, better start walking.”  Jon said, I just started to walk when I heard someone yell hey behind me. I turned around and saw a white pony with a blond mane walking towards me. He had his nose in the air and was wearing a white suit; all in all I already didn’t like him. “What are you doing roaming the royal halls, and what are you some hairless ape?” the stallion said, I just rolled my eyes and kept walking. “What do you think you’re doing beast, come back here!” I just kept walking while saying, “Cool story bro.”

“Beast, you will listen to me, I am royalty!” the stallion yelled, then I heard him trotting towards me. I turned to face him again, getting extremely annoyed, “Okay, let’s get one thing strait, I don’t care who the fuck you are. If you aren’t Luna, Celestia, or one of my friends then fuck off, unless you would like to keep talking, because if you do I’m going to shove my hand so far up your ass I’ll be working your mouth like a puppet.” I was already irritated from what had happened today, so I decided to make it clear, “Got it, good. Now take me to Celestia, she sent me a letter to meet her here but I don’t know where here in the castle is.” I say, glaring daggers into the stallion, he nodded his head feverishly and started trotting down the hall.

It took about half an hour to get to Celestias room, but as soon as we got there the stallion bolted away. “Huh, never even got his name. Prick.” Jon said, I walked into the room to see Celestia sitting at a desk scribbling away on a piece of paper. “Kim said you wanted to see me? Oh, and next time give me a warning when you’re going to randomly teleport me, I’m gonna go blind at this rate.” She looks over to me with a sheepish smile, “Sorry, but I wanted to have a little fun.” Celestia said with a warm smile.

I chuckled, “It’s fine, but why did you want me here, cause the explanation I got from Kim was a little vague.” I was confused to say the least. “Well we are going to the conference room in a moment for a small meeting, and I thought that you would like to come.” Celestia answered, now I was really confused. “May I ask why you would want me to come to the meeting?”

“Well to be a neutral third party to keep the peace, that and you can give your unbiased opinion when you feel it is necessary. Though you will need a country to represent, what was your countries name?” Celestia asked, I on the other hand was still concentrating on the fact that I was now an international delegate technically. “Um, in that case I’ll just represent the United States of America, but who else is going to be there?” I asked. “All of the other countries leaders, King Valus, the leader of the Minotaur’s, Prince Marsay, leader of the Griffons, and King Maul, Leader of the Dragons. Normally, King Valus and King Maul are at each other’s throats trying to see who has a better military, so expect a fight between them, but don’t worry about the Prince he is a very quiet and reserved leader. The entire meeting is on weapon trade agreements between Equestria and the one of the other nations, which one I do not know, but I was hoping that you could also give some pointers on which weapons are better.” Celestia informed me, she had just about blown my mind but I still managed to speak.

“Okay then, let me just suit up, I’m gonna make an entrance.” I say, only to get a look of confusion from Celestia, but by that point I had already suited up. I was dressed in a full out Uncle Sam outfit, but with an added touch of Merica’ power with the dual .410 Judge revolvers, one in each hand, painted red, white, and blue. Celestia was looking at me like I had grown a second head, it was amusing actually.

“I’m dressed like one of my countries propaganda people, his name is Uncle Sam, or as I call him, Merica’s defender!” I exclaim with pride, Celestia giggled at my antics and motioned for me to follow her before walking off out of the room. It only took a minute to get the conference room, but when we opened the doors all conversation stopped and all eyes were on me. There was a large table with the three leaders sitting at each side; on the left was who I assumed was Maul because there was a large black dragon with piercing yellow eyes. The one at the far head of the table was Prince Marsay, he was a tall looking griffon with a small golden crown, and on the right was King Valus, he was a behemoth red minotaur with a large golden necklace with an embedded ruby.

I felt a bead of sweat roll down my forehead, so I said the first thing that came to mind, “Say hello to Merica, the land of the brave and the home of the free!” the room was suddenly in an uproar, not even Celestia could calm it, so I took one of my revolvers out, aimed it at the ceiling, and pulled the trigger. The retort of the pistols BANG shut them up almost immediately, allowing me to speak.

“Okay lets get one thing strait, I am not here as another country, I am here as a third party to watch over the trade agreements to see if they are fair. This includes the weapon inspection, so I will be giving pointers to who has the best. I am also the peace keeper, and I will use force if needed, now I’m gonna stand right here while you all do your thing.” When I got done speaking all the leaders in the room had different reactions, Valus and Maul both had smiles on their faces, the Prince still had a neutral look, and Celestia was looking at me like I had gone mad. “She really isn’t too far on that assumption.” Jon said, and for one I agreed with him.

“Now that introductions are done, I would like to apologize for his unorthodox way of, as he calls it, keeping the peace. But enough talking about him let us start the meeting.” Celestia states while taking the final seat at the head of the table. There was a little grumbling, but the meeting went off without a hitch. That is, until they got to the weapon evaluation.

There were only three weapons on the table that were deemed good enough to be shown. The first was a steel blade that almost exactly resembled a machete; this one came from the griffons. The middle one was a large double sided medieval looking axe that looked like it weighed more than me, and I’m 150; this, unsurprisingly, came from the Minotaur’s. The final weapon was a large, pitch black, claymore that looked about 6 feet tall, the same height as me; this one came from the dragons. They all looked to Celestia and me for the answer, it was an easy choice.

I was the one to say that Celestia chose the Griffons, while the Prince was hppy Mual looked a little mad, but not to much. But for Valus it was a whole new type of pissed, and it’s an understatement when I say that Valus was mad, because he looked absolutely livid. “You chose that over superior Minotaur forging!” Valus roared while standing to his full height, he looked almost 8 feet tall. He started to storm over towards us, but I stepped right I front of him, earning a worried glance from Celestia and a glare from Valus.

“Well I’m back from the bathroom an-, wow this escalated quickly. Why exactly are we standing in the path of a living war machine that LITTERALY towers over your skinny ass?”  Jon asked, though I ignored him as I drew my pistols, both aimed from the hip at his knees. “I would advise against taking another step asshole, I really don’t want to get blood on my new suit.” I warn with a small scowl, only angering Valus more. “Da fuck dude, are you trying to get us killed, cause I don’t approve!” Jon said, in a somewhat panicked tone.

“You have no authority over me creature, now get out of my way before I make you to teach your so called ruler a lesson by-” Valus never got to finish his sentence as two .410 shells tore through his legs, or at least that was what was supposed to happen. Instead all that happened was the tell tale sound of an empty gun firing. Click click click, “Seriously you forgot to summon ammo WITH the weapons!?” Jon yelled, the worst part is, he’s right.

“Fuck my life” I muttered to myself, I looked back up at Valus who was now ginning. With speed I would have never thought possible, Valus’s massive fist shot out and hit me square in the chest. I heard Celestia yell something as I went flying back into the wall, when I tried to get up I was violently yanked into the air by Valus. “You cannot hurt-” Is all he got out before I punched him in the face, he reeled back from the strike and was then encased by a golden aura. I dropped to the ground with a thump, I felt a soft touch on my cheek, when I looked up I saw Celestia looking at me with a face of worry. “Why did you fight him?” Celestia asked, almost in tears.

“Because that fucker insulted and threatened you, I wasn’t gonna let that slide. But how about I wait outside until you get this mess cleaned up, then we can go get some cake or something.” I say, chuckling a bit at the last part.

Celestia smiled before her aura encased me, I felt a warming sensation, but as quickly as it came it ended. “Your ribs are healed, though I would advise against fighting anytime soon. But I will take you on your offer of cake, now go wait until I can get this all sorted out.”

After about fifteen minutes Celestia walked out of the conference room looking happy, I didn’t ask what happened, I was too lazy to. “Now how about we get to the other reason I summoned you here.” Celestia said, I nodded, but before I could say anything I was blinded by a flash of light. When I could see again I noticed that were now in the dining room, I was already seated as was Celestia right across from me, she was giving me a warm smile.

“So what exactly did you want to talk about, something about Luna right?” I asked, Celestia sighed and nodded. “Corbin, have you by any chance heard the term heat? Not the weather kind either.” She asked, I shook my head, Celestia sighed again before speaking. “Have you, by any chance, been smelling fruits around PonyVille? And more specifically, blueberries, in your house as of late?” Celestia asked, the knowing smile on her face was starting to make me think that something is going on.

“Yea, now that you mention it I have been, but how does this all relate to Luna?” I asked, I was completely lost. “Well when a mare goes into heat, the pheromones that are released have a distinct smell for each mare, in Luna’s case blueberries.” Celestia explains.

“So Luna’s in heat, but what does that mean?” I was completely lost on what a heat was. “Yes, Luna is in heat, but what the heat cycle dose to the mares body is increase the sex drive by tenfold, most can just ignore it but in some cases mares will jump a stallion. There have been a few cases where a stallion was injured, but not many. And if your wonder were Luna sits in this, let’s just say this is her first one in a thousand years, so I would be care full if I were you. The best part about alicorn heat cycles is that they only last three days instead of the normal week, so you lucked out there.” When Celestia finished the only thing that I could think of was a skeleton with a thumbs up and a crushed pelvis, “Death by snu snu.” Jon said.

“Well thanks for the warning, I’ll keep that in mind but do you think you could send me back home now, I have a wall to fix thanks to Kim.” I say, I was not looking forward to fixing the wall. Celestia nodded and a bright light blinded me, when I could see again I was happy to notice that I was back in my house, that is until I heard someone clear there throat behind me. When I turned around I see none other than Luna, “How about we pick up where we left off….”

-Present-

“And let’s just say I didn’t leave that room for the rest of the weekend.” I said, finally finishing my weekend story, the entire time I was telling it Chrysalis had been laughing her ass off, much to my dismay.

After about ten minutes she had finally calmed her laughing fit, she looked like she was going to say something but her face instantly contorted to fear. I looked behind me and saw a grey unicorn with a pitch black mane, I couldn’t help but feel like I’ve seen him before. “This did not go according to plan” the stallion said, and just like that I knew who it was, King Sombra had returned.

End of Book Thing 1