Random Life (Book Thing 1)

When I wake up I notice that I’m not in my suite, I look around and notice that I’m still in Luna’s room. Suddenly every memory from last night came back to me. “Man, that was the best night of my life.” I thought to myself while looking around the room.”Ya maybe for you but I couldn’t sleep asshole.” Jon yelled in an annoyed tone, making me laugh. The bed was a complete mess, the sheet was almost all the way off, and the bed itself was moved. I look down to see Luna staring up at me, but she had a look of fear on her face. That’s when I notice that she wasn’t looking at me but behind me, I turn my head around and come face to face with a wall of white. I look up a little further and my heart sinks as I see that it’s Celestia that was standing over me, looking even more pissed than the last time. I put on a stupid smile and spoke, “H-hi, h-hows your m-morning going. Heh…” I say timidly. “We are absolutely positively fucked, and not in the good way, but the ‘Hey motha fucka you gonna get hanged’ fucked!” why Jon, why?

“Well, It would have been if I wasn’t kept up all night by a certain pair.” Celestia said through bared teeth, I gulped. “And Luna, can you come with me for a moment I need to talk to you. Now.” she says, and starts walking toward the door and is quickly followed by Luna. “Oh, and Corbin, stay here. Your next.” Celestia states before closing the door behind her. It’s safe to say that I was contemplating writing my will, but then remembered that I have nothing to give if I die, so I decided against it. “Dude I just want to say if we die, you’re an asshole, but I love you. No homo bro.” Jon said, making me laugh for a moment.

I was slowly losing my mind, thinking of all the possible ways Celestia could kill me or mane me, either one but regardless I was freaking out. They had been gone for an hour or so, and I was just starting to think that Celestia had forgotten about me when the doors opened, revealing Luna. “Celestia is waiting for you out in the hall”, I nodded and walked through the doors and was greeted by Celestias angry looking face, she looked like she was about to pop a vein. “We’re fucked.”

“Corbin, you do understand what the consequences of having sex with my sister are?” I was going to speak but Celestia continued, “Though I’m willing to look past that this time under certain conditions. Condition one; you will not bring my sister any harm. That is, unless you don’t want to keep your head. Condition two, you will protect Luna with all you have, or die trying. Condition three, you will use a sound canceling spell the next time you two get intimate, you have no idea how traumatizing it is to hear that that clearly, I’m only down the hall! Anyway, do you accept these terms?” Celestia asked. ”Say yes dumbass!” I nodded quickly. “Good because if you didn’t I would have had to kill you. Now have a good rest of the day, I have some pressing matters to attend to.” She says before walking off, leaving me to my thoughts as I walked back into Luna’s room. I find Luna just sitting on her bed with a distant look on her face, like in deep thought. I walk over to her and fall onto the bed, snapping her out of the trance.

“Are you ok, did Celestia hurt you, what did she say?” Luna asked in a blur of words that I was barely able to understand. “Yes I am ok, and no Celestia did not hurt me. She just gave me some terms and conditions that I had to agree to, nothing too serious.” I promised her. “Nothing serious, right, you’re a jackass ya know that?” I didn’t answer.

“Ok, well what do you want to do now?” she asked, I just shrug my shoulders and tried to think of something to do when, all of a sudden, a voice spoke out of nowhere. “Well what do we have here? Oh I little bit of chaos in the morning, it’s just so much fun!”, I turn around and was met with a creature that looks like it had been put together by a five year old for an art project. It had the head of a pony, a body of a snake, one paw for an arm, a claw for the other arm, a dragon’s tail and leg, a pony leg, a bat wing, a bird wing, an antler of a deer, and a horn of a unicorn next to the antler. “What in the literal FUCK is that thing? This is going on the bullshit list.” Jon said, though my mind was elsewhere. All in all this thing looked outright hilarious, and I couldn’t help but burst out laughing. “Discord! What are you doing here?” Luna asked in a commanding tone, while I just started to get back up after my laughing fit.

“Ok, ok, who and what the hell are you?” I say, trying to be serious, but fail horribly as I giggle while speaking,” oh my god, I’m sorry man, but the way you look just makes me laugh.” I say, going back into a fit of laughter while Discord and Luna look at me like I’m crazy. After a few seconds my laughing died down enough to let me stand, and then Discord spoke again.

“My name is Discord, Lord of Chaos and what are you, may I ask?” Discord says with a jolly voice. “Well, I’m a human from another planet, and by the way I already like you. Your almost as crazy as some of my friends.” I say, getting a shocked face from both Discord and Luna. “What? He seems like a pretty decent guy, and he hasn’t tried to kill me yet like Celestia did.” I say, and yet again getting a shocked expression, but only from Discord.

“Celestia tried to kill you, why?” Discord asked, I shrugged ,” Maybe because I was getting close to Luna. That and I may or may not have turned Luna into a human form by accident for some reason.” I say, and yet again get a shocked expression from Discord who then decides to speak up, “I’ll be right back I got to go check something” he says before snapping his fingers and disappearing.

I turned to Luna,” Well he seemed nice.” “Bitch he was stoned as Fuck!”

      “Do you have any idea of what you just did?!” Luna yelled, looking extremely stressed. I nodded, ”Yes, I do know what did, I laughed at a god. But you have to admit that he is pretty funny looking, and what can he do anyway? He looks like a third graders art project, and besides he seems like a fun guy.” I say casually. “Don’t do it.”

“How can you be so calm knowing that you may, Or may not, have angered one of the most powerful beings in all of Equestria?!” Luna asked, I just looked at her with a straight face, “Because I don’t care.” I say bluntly, and also receiving a shocked expression from Luna. “And you done fucked up.”

“How can you not care, he has the power to turn you into anything he wants!” Luna yells in an angered tone, probably because I’m basically laughing in the face of death. I look to her with a serious expression, “I’ll be ok, I promise. The next time I see him I’ll apologize, buy him a few drinks, and talk this out. Hell, maybe we’ll be friends by the end of this.” I say, getting a sigh from Luna who just pulls me into a hug.

“Just don’t get hurt, please. And I don’t think it would be wise to give Discord a drink.” She warns me, I just shrug and a bright flash happened revealing Discord. “Speak of the devil, well isn’t it just the man I wanted to see. Come with me, I just want to talk, and apologize, for what happened earlier. Maybe after we can go find a bar and few drinks, what do ya say?” I ask.

“I accept, though there will be no need for you to apologize because you were the first being to not run or cower in fear of me. Instead you just laughed, but I do have a question. Why did you call me a devil when I got here?” He asked, throwing me for a loop.

“It’s just an expression from my world, don’t worry about it.” I say, I then turn to Luna, “Hey Luna, do you know where we could go to get some drinks, I’m thinking of grabbing Kim, so do you want to tag along too?” I ask.

“Well we could go down to the royal dining room and order something.”  She says, I nod and motion them to follow me while I go try to find Kim. I ended up finding her sitting on a bench in the hallway; she turns and waves to me. “Hey you want to come with us to get some drinks?” I ask, but Kim wasn’t looking at me but at Discord. I spoke up, “That’s Discord, another god, he’s coming with us to get wasted. You want to tag along?” I ask again. She nods and gets up and walks next to me for a while until we reach the dining room, which was just a large room with a massive table in the middle. “Anyone getting the knights of the round table vibe?” Jon asked, though, like almost any other time he talks, I ignore him.

We all take a seat and were immediately catered to by waiters with menus. “Holy shit they have whiskey!” me and Kim exclaim in unison, and were meet with questioning looks from both Discord and Luna.

“Kim and I are Irish, it’s our favorite drink. A close second for me is tequila but that makes me hit the floor fast.” I explain, only to be scolded by Jon, “Bitch that’s racist.”  When the waiters come back they hand out our orders, Kim and I both got a pitcher of whiskey, Discord got normal beer, and Luna got a small glass of red wine. Kim and I both drank half of our whiskey in two goes when we challenged each other to a drinking contest, Luna and Discord had wide eyes, and slack jaws. “What?” I ask in a slightly slurred voice, the drink starting to kick in. The last thing I saw was Kim pass out drunk as fuck.

I woke up to the sound of snoring in my ears, I look left and right and see Kim on the left and Luna to my right. I start to sit up when I notice that Discord was wrapped around all of us, and that we were all sleeping on the table. “Da fuck happened last night, cause I don’t remember shit!”  I decide to wake up Discord and Luna first, once they were up I thought of an idea to wake Kim up, so I went to talk to Discord when Luna went to her room.

“Hey Discord, I have an idea to wake Kim up, though it’s more of a prank.” I say, walking up to him. He raises his eyebrow in a curios manner and motions me to go on. “Don’t do what I think your gonna do.”

“Well, I was wondering if you could change her into a gingerbread man and say that she’s in a dream, and see what she does.” I explain, earning a nod and a huge smile from Discord. I walk over to the sleeping Kim and start to nudge her awake, when she was just getting up Discord snapped his fingers, turning Kim into a gingerbread man. “God dammit, why you no listen to me asshole!”

“Holy fuck I’m a Gingerbread man! Hell ya, now you’ll never catch me I’m da matha fuckin gingerbread man, see ya!” Kim yelled before running out the doors. A few seconds later a very confused looking Luna walked into the room, “Did I just see a giant running gingerbread man in the hallway?” she asked, probably questioning her sanity.

“Yes, yes you did. Discord you can turn her back to normal now.” I say. Discord just snaps his fingers, and then everyone could hear a distant “DAMMIT!” from down the hall. A few moments later a disappointed looking Kim came back, glaring at me and Discord all the while. I had to stifle a laugh, but Discord on the other hand was laughing like a maniac. That is until a pie came flying out of nowhere and struck Discord in the face, I look over and see that Kim was just smirking.

“Were did you even get the pie?” I asked, Kim just turned, “From the author, duh.” She stated simply. I on the other hand was extremely confused, but decided to roll with it because, why not? After a brief silence the main doors crashed open to reveal a very mad Celestia, “She’s been mad a lot lately, huh.” I thought to myself. She stormed into the room eyeing each and every one of us, “Do any of you know any of you know how or why I am as angry as I am right now?”, she asked through barred teeth, and even though I didn’t want to I answered honestly. “Bitch you better live, cause if you don’t, I don’t.”

“No, why?” I asked. Celestia, in turn, took a deep breath. “Well, first of all, I am extremely disappointed that you all would get drunk in the castle of all places. Then there’s the fact that the moon now has a giant smiley face on it, and the fact that Discord wasn’t the one to do it this time.” Celestia said in an angered tone, while Discord just scoffed at her remark, though she continued. “And don’t let me forget to mention that all my guards reported a figure in pink armor walking through walls, and laughing at a piece of cake for two hours. That and I was traumatized when I walked into my room to find these two” she motions between Kin and Discord, ”sleeping in my bed!” she yelled, using her hooves in an air quotation when she said sleeping.

By this time Luna was looking paler than an Irish man, “Racist.”,Discord and Kim were exchanging looks of shock and disbelief, and I was holding back a laugh when I started to picture myself staring at a cake for two hours. Though I knew it was a bad idea I had to say something, “Celestia, I’m sorry, but you just have to calm down.” I say. She looks to me in an even angrier expression than earlier, “Calm down?!” is all she said before spreading her wings. “Fuck my life.”

I went pale, knowing exactly what she was going to do, I tuned and bolted out the door hearing Kim shout, “ Run, Forest, Run!” and the doors being slammed open. I ran and ran, not looking back once. I took turn after turn not even knowing were any of them lead to, I threw a quick glance backwards to be met with the sight of Celestia right on my heels. When I look back in front of me, all I see is a wall before being knocked out by it. “There’s a wall there dumbass.”