Everything I've Ever Wanted

Twilight lay in her bed, tossing and turning. She was being plagued by the most annoying of afflictions, one which she had never managed to overcome and had always inevitably forced her to continue working on until she gave in to sheer exhaustion.

It was a problem she couldn’t solve.

Princess Celestia’s sudden appearance and abrupt departure had not gone unnoticed, but that was easily explained away with the usual excuse of “important royal business”. Sunset’s withdrawal had been a lot more difficult, since her name was plastered on several of the banners, but eventually the crowd stopped asking questions and moved on to enjoying the party all the way to the night. Meanwhile, Sunset had sequestered herself in the guest room Twilight had prepared for her, and had not emerged since. When Twilight had last seen her, the obvious depression Sunset showed profoundly worried the alicorn. She knew that Sunset would eventually cheer up; she always did. But thinking of the rift between mother and daughter disturbed her.

If I interfere, it could just make things worse. But they’re both so important to me; I can’t just stand back and do nothing!

The matter was quite vexing to her, and her apparent powerlessness only made her even more worried and frustrated. She wondered if she should consult Cadance. But Cadance was far away in the Crystal Empire, and explaining the entire current situation would take an extensive letter. Twilight wasn’t sure putting the entire affair to paper was a good idea, since Sunset’s relationship to Celestia was supposed to be a strict secret. She would have to discuss it with Cadance later on, when the other alicorn next happened to visit. In any case, there was no guarantee that it would result in a solution. Twilight was fairly sure that the kind of relationship Sunset had with her mother was outside of Cadance’s usual expertise, which tended to focus on romantic love.

And I’m the Princess of Friendship. I wonder if there’s ever been a Princess of Family?

The worst thing about this was that the exact pony whom Twilight would normally ask for advice regarding family issues had just proven herself to be very, very bad at them.

They say time heals all wounds. But I really hope it doesn’t take years for them to talk again. Once Sunset’s vacation is over, it’s going to become even harder, too. They’ll be in entirely different worlds – how will they bridge that gap?

And then the answer hit her.

***

One week later -

“Are you sure you have to go back now?” asked Twilight. “I was kind of hoping you could stay till tomorrow morning. You could walk right through the portal into school.”

Earlier that day, when Sunset had told Twilight of her intent to depart in the evening, the alicorn had accepted it without complaint. But it was now almost dusk, and perhaps it was the actuality of standing in front of the mirror that made Twilight change her mind. She was now hoping Sunset would stay a little longer.

Sunset shook her head. “It’s the first day of the new year in the human world, Twilight. School starts tomorrow. I’ve had a really great week here, and I really want to spend more time with you, but I think I need some time this evening to get ready.”

“What could you possibly need to do that you can’t do here?” asked Twilight, one eyebrow raised. “I mean, the mirror will give you a fresh set of clothes when you pass through it, and you could easily take a bath in the castle.”

That statement made Sunset grin. “I don’t think you quite understand the differences between pony and human grooming… especially for girls. There’s a lot of stuff I’m pretty sure I have to take care of after a whole week of being here.” She looked down at herself. “Thank goodness it’s still winter and I’ll be wearing long pants and boots for the rest of the season. I might be able to skip shaving my legs for now.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “I don’t think I’ll ever get how humans treat their bodies. First they get rid of all of their fur and then they compulsively cover themselves in clothes to make up for it.”

“That’s just the way it works. I’m not as popular as I once was, but I’m still considered one of the most attractive girls in school. And that attractiveness takes a lot of maintenance,” smirked Sunset.

“Okay, I guess,” said Twilight disappointedly. Then she perked up a little. “But before you go, I have something for you.”

She dashed upstairs and quickly came back with an oblong package wrapped in festive blue wrapping paper and tied with a red ribbon. “Consider it a really late Hearth’s Warming gift.”

“I did say you didn’t have to get me anything,” smiled Sunset. She took hold of the gift and touched it with her hoof. Unsurprisingly, it felt like a book.

Twilight’s face suddenly became serious. “It’s not just for you. Go on, open it.”

Sunset looked at her quizzically. She tore open the wrapping paper to reveal an exquisitely made leather-bound book with a golden trim. On the cover was a familiar red-and-yellow eight-flared sunburst. It looked exactly like her journal, the one she had kept for years.

She opened it. The smell of brand new pages wafted from the tome, a smell that she had loved ever since she was a filly. The pages were blank.

“Is this what I think it is?”

Twilight nodded. “I gave another similar journal to Princess Celestia. You know, when the public postal service was introduced, a lot of important academics complained that it would make communication very impersonal, and discourage ponies from visiting each other in order to talk. But I think that distance can help us in this case. If meeting Princess Celestia makes you angry at her, maybe being able to write to her will be much easier.”

She looked to the mirror above them. A magenta aura took hold of the book there and floated it down to them, opening it to the first few pages. “When you met her a week ago you wanted tea because it reminded you of a happier time of your foalhood. All these entries I’ve read here… they sound like you loved writing to your mother. When you went to the human world your journal was the one thing you kept with you through the years, and I think it’s because you wanted to still be able to look back and remember those days, back when your relationship with her was still strong. And even now this journal is what keeps the connection between you and her - and you and me - still possible, because it keeps that mirror, that door open for you to come back.

“But that’s the journal of your past. It’s a past filled with a lot of pain and sadness, a past that’s been tainted by me. In a manner of speaking, Princess Celestia did give me this journal. So, now you have a new one. You can think about what you want to write before you write it, and you don’t have to open up any more than you want to. But at least now you can begin whenever you want to rather than having to first work yourself up to be able to see her.”

Sunset took hold of the old journal that had once belonged to her mother. The first entry was familiar to her, having read it dozens of times when she was still a filly, even if it had been years since she had last looked at it.

Dearest Sunset Shimmer,

I trust you like your new journal. I know that I cannot be there for you as often as I’d like because of my work, but through this I hope to always be able to keep in contact with the little filly that I care for so very much. Now you can tell me all about what you have been up to, and your words can bring delight to my heart even when I am away.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Love always,

Princess Celestia

She leafed through the pages, memories of the days she had written about slowly returning to her. They were the days in when she still lived in a palace studying magic, when it seemed like the future would be endlessly bright. They contained all the joy and wonder of an innocent filly who had no idea of the pain and loneliness that awaited her.

No wonder I haven’t read my journal in ages.

Her cyan aura closed it and returned it to its spot on the mirror. Sunset looked at the cover of her new journal, smiling at what it represented: a brand new start, of a future still unwritten and filled with new possibilities. She turned to Twilight and slowly pulled her close.

“Thank you.”

Twilight smiled. She wrapped Sunset in her hooves and wings and nuzzled her.

“You’re welcome.”

They pulled apart a little, just enough to be able to look each other in the eyes. Without another word Sunset closed the gap between their lips and pulled Twilight into a prolonged kiss.

It had been rather difficult to share their affection for each other that week, because most of that time had been spent in the company of friends and they didn’t want to have to explain the awkward circumstances of their relationship while they were still working it out. And at night, when Spike had been asleep, they had avoided too much intimacy in case they got carried away again. But now, on the cusp of having to finally part after a week together, it felt perfect. They stood there, lips locked for a long while, relishing in that intimate moment.

Until they were interrupted by an odd, “Buh!”

Sunset and Twilight turned instantly to see a very shocked and blushing dragon staring at them in the doorway.

“I uh, came to say goodbye to Sunset, but… never mind, I think I have to get back to cleaning the library!” said Spike as he ran off.

Twilight groaned. “Now I’ll have to have a talk with him so that he understands what’s happening. And to get him to Pinkie-promise not to tell anypony.”

“Well, in that case I think it’ll be fine if we had just one more kiss,” Sunset said, giving Twilight another short smooch. “Anyway, he was bound to find out sooner or later. Spike’s young, but he’s pretty sharp.”

“Still not going to be a fun discussion,” sighed Twilight. “Oh well. I’m sorry your gift was so late, but it took a while to have it enchanted. Try to write to her when you can manage it, okay?”

Sunset nodded. She gave Twilight one last hug before exchanging goodbyes and leaving through the portal.

***

Sunset Shimmer stepped out of her bathroom. It had been a very eventful week. The townsfolk of Ponyville were absolutely wonderful, and her vacation had been quite enjoyable. She was certain that she would visit Ponyville again very soon and likely more often, especially since she now had another group of friends to keep in contact with there.

I’d better not forget to go back next week for that fitting with Rarity.

She put on a set of pajamas and relaxed on her bed, reminiscing a little about her stay in Ponyville. Most of the other students had already returned to the dorm at the end of the holiday break, and several of them were unpacking or sleeping. Watching the other students come back was an old tradition Sunset used to practice, since she had no family to go home to during the holidays. But this year was another Hearth’s Warming that she had spent with friends, something that she was in fact very grateful for. Ever since she quarreled with Vice-Principal Luna, her winter holidays had been very lonely.

The last meeting with her mother came to mind. Sunset felt somewhat bad that she still couldn’t quite let go. The idea that she wasn’t quite free of her past bothered her, but truth be told, the meeting had made things a lot easier. Just seeing her mother willing to humble herself had helped a great deal, not to mention having been able to pour out all her pain and misery. It hurt terribly the rest of the day and most of the next, but afterwards a lot of the anger had gone.

Maybe someday soon I’ll be ready to forgive her. Then I can go back to being her daughter again.

The events of the past few days would not have been possible if Twilight hadn’t gotten it into her head to pry into their affairs and try to fix everything. In fact, even now the she was still gently pushing Sunset to forgive her mother. She smiled at the thought of Twilight’s persistence. Once the young alicorn had set her mind to something, it usually became very hard to curb her enthusiasm for it. And this time it had worked out well.

I need to resolve my issues with Twilight first, Sunset decided. She deserves that, for everything she’s done for me.

But a nagging thought still continued to bother her.

My issues with Twilight are inherently linked to my issues with Mom.

It was an undeniable truth. The romantic relationship between her and Twilight would continue to be haunted by the fact that it was Twilight that Celestia had replaced Sunset with. And that shadow would not fade until she resolved her problems with her mother. Sunset’s mind flickered back to the new journal that Twilight had given her. She hadn’t intended to write in it for some time, but the recent thought had incited her with a new urgency.

Sunset retrieved the book and walked into the dining area to get herself a soda. Popping the tab, she took a long swig before sitting down on the couch in the living room. Then she took out a pen and opened the journal to the first page.

What do I write?

She didn’t want to offer any immediate olive branches to her mother, because that kind of insincere reconciliation wouldn’t help her get over her issues. It had been so long since she last wrote a letter to Celestia that the gap made the first new letter feel all the more awkward. But that gap gave her an idea.

I’ll just tell her what’s happened since.

So Sunset penned a brief recollection of the events that had happened to her since she came to her new life.

Dear Princess Celestia,

It’s been awhile since I wrote. A lot has happened. I ran away from home because my mother threw me out of the house and I thought I had no way to earn back her love. I found myself in a strange place with no money or possessions and I had to scrape and beg in order to survive. I was very scared for a long time, but I kept myself going with my own anger and grief, determined to prove my mother wrong. I lied to social workers and took advantage of the charity of others so that I could have a roof over my head, moving from place to place so that they wouldn’t discover I had no records or past.

I met a lady named Luna who was just as hurt as I was, and we became friends. She gave me a place to stay and arranged for me to study at the high school she worked at. Then I found out her sister was the principal of that high school. Her sister looked and acted so similarly to my mother that I let my resentment taint all my interactions with her. Luna and I both hated her sister very much, so for a long time we commiserated in that animosity and I made her sister’s life very difficult even though she never did anything to me. But one day Luna learned to forgive her sister and move on. I didn’t. I rebelled and misbehaved and rejected my friendships because I couldn’t bear to be hurt again.

I manipulated people the way my mother taught me to and used that to tear them down so that I could step over them. I rose to the top of the school, both socially and academically, and made sure that everyone was terrified of me. I bullied them to get what I wanted to the point where no one dared to even try to oppose me.

Then one day I went back home and found that my mother had taken in a new girl named Twilight Sparkle, whom she had given everything I used to have. I became furious and plotted to do everything I could to hurt them both and take back what I thought was mine. In the end, Twilight stopped me and saved me from myself. She forgave me and taught me how to be a better pony, and she tried to help me reconcile with my mother, even though it didn’t work out. Now she’s encouraging me to work at it slowly so that I can finally escape my past.

I owe Twilight everything, and she is the one light that came into the darkness of my life. I don’t know if I can ever forgive my mother, but I will try for Twilight. Because she was the one who saved me even if I didn’t deserve to be saved. It’s difficult, but I hope that one day I can finally move on.

Your student,

Sunset Shimmer.

Writing the letter had been difficult, but she felt much better afterwards. In doing so, Sunset had confronted herself, the part of her that she had once wanted to excise and forget forever. But it had not all been dark. She thought back to that period long ago when she and Luna been close, when the young woman had been struggling with her own social awkwardness against her sister’s endless popularity, and they had bonded over their mutual opposition to Principal Celestia.

It was very unfair of me to treat her that way, because Principal Celestia isn’t my mother. Even if she is a little strict, I just transferred all my hatred of Mom to her for so many years. Thank goodness I’ve since stopped acting like that. She’s had a difficult enough life without me deliberately making it worse for her.

She read over what she had written again, especially the last part about Twilight. Twilight had been incredibly supportive that evening when she had met Celestia, and had said that she was proud of Sunset for trying as hard as she did. The memory of that praise brought a smile to Sunset’s face.

I don’t need mother to feel proud of me anymore. If I never go back to Equestria and Mom never sees me again, she still wouldn’t have any right to comp- no, I shouldn’t think that way. I have to eventually let go of my hatred - for both my mother and myself - if I ever want to truly be free.

That was the advice that Twilight had given her, after all. She recalled the day of the Fall Formal long ago when she had cowered in defeat before Twilight.

At the time, it seemed like the darkest day in my life; when Twilight crushed my pride and I could no longer pretend that she wasn’t the better pony. But it turned out to be the best thing that had ever happened to me. She gave me new friends and showed me another path through life. Later on it she helped me overcome my insecurities when we fought the Sirens, and it was then that I thought that I could finally shed my past. Now with her help I’ve partially reconciled with that past - opening the road for me to eventually move on for real. All this time, she’s always accepted me, forgiving me not once but twice. And despite being so much better than me, she still fell for me, flaws and all.

Sunset put her hand on the leather couch where they had first kissed, and smiled at the memory. She glanced at the DVD player next to the television. It was then that she realized that she had never replaced the disc that she borrowed. Lyra had been very generous to share her DVD collection with her dormmates, and Sunset didn’t want to abuse that generosity. Ejecting the tray from the player, she picked up the disc and put it back into its case. Then she turned to the rack where she had taken it from, scanning the DVD collection and its odd selection of movies as she did so.

Oh gosh, I just figured it out.

She laughed for a moment. Then she looked at the DVD case in her hands. She frowned as she thought back to the movie, sighing before sliding it back into its spot on the rack.

I hate this sort of story anyway. The kind with a sad ending.

***

Princess Celestia wiped the last of her tears away as she finished reading the journal.

Look at the suffering I caused my little foal. She had to live as a teenage runaway for years because of what I did.

She picked up her quill several times, but still couldn’t think of how to begin. Eventually she decided that the best way would be to reply in the exact same manner that Sunset had written.

Dear Sunset Shimmer,

I’m so glad to hear from you again. I’ve missed hearing from you so much and I can’t tell you how happy I am that you could write to me today.

I’m so sorry to hear about what has happened to you since we last wrote. You mother honestly doesn’t deserve your forgiveness, and I don’t think even after all this time she really understood how difficult things have been for you. I think it speaks about how much you have grown that you can still bring yourself to try even after everything she’s done to you.

Things have changed a great deal in Equestria since you were gone. My sister, Princess Luna, has since returned to me, and she and I now rule Equestria together. She’s wanted to meet you for a long time now, but couldn’t because you were gone. I’ve told her long ago about you and your mother, and I think you can both relate a little in that regard, so if you are amenable to the idea perhaps you can talk to Twilight about finally seeing her. I believe both of you will get along very well.

In any case, I hope that you and Twilight will be continue to be close, because you deserve a girl like her in your life, someone who will be there for you and who would never give up on you. After all you’ve been through, I can only hope that your future will be lighter and filled with the love and joy you should have had since the beginning.

Your Teacher,

Princess Celestia

Having finished the letter, she closed the journal and put down the quill before walking out to the balcony of her private chambers, overlooking the streets of Canterlot. On a tower not far away, Luna was drawing the waxing moon into its proper position in the night sky.

At least I still have Luna, Celestia thought. I’d better treasure my sisterhood while I still can nurture it.

She sighed bitterly as she remembered the petty argument she had with Luna over the gifts for Cranky and Matilda’s wedding.

It was my turn to bring the gifts. But I made the same mistake again, blaming Luna for no reason at all just to feel that I was in the right.

Fortunately the spirit of love and togetherness that surrounded the wedding had smoothed over the hurt feelings almost immediately, but she knew she might not be so lucky in future.

I never apologized to Luna for that.

When she had returned from Ponyville a week ago, it was clear to Celestia that she could no longer keep doing things the same way. So she had put plans in motion that would allow her the opportunity to change her habits.

Plans in motion.

Those are the root of so many of my family problems… I’m always taking the long view, thinking in terms of decades and centuries. And when those I love throw those plans out of order, I always try to salvage my plans rather than my relationships.

It worried her that Twilight had inherited that love of planning from her. But fortunately, it seemed that the younger alicorn would not fall into the same trap as her former teacher. Twilight’s lessons in friendship had enabled her to break her plans in order to accommodate those who were close to her.

I need to learn that lesson, thought Celestia ruefully. I should do something for Luna very soon. It has only been a little over a week since I spoke to Sunset, so my idea probably won’t see light for a while. For the moment I should start by spending more time with Luna. Perhaps we could go for an upcoming foreign state visit together. I used to leave Equestria in the hooves of my advisors all the time before Luna returned. They can take care of the kingdom while we’re away.

That sounded very satisfactory to her. Ceremonial state visits usually involved very little business, so they would have plenty of time together whilst enjoying the hospitality of another nation. Being honored by a visit from both heads of the Equestrian state would also do wonders to improve relations with that country. It was a beneficial outcome all around.

Then why do I feel it’s not enough?

The answer came to her swiftly.

Because on its own it isn’t. Relationships don’t thrive on single grand gestures, but by dozens of little ones.

She prepared to summon a guard, but stopped.

I’ll go find her myself.

She walked out of her chambers past the guard, towards her sister’s tower. She couldn’t do much on her own to repair her relationship with Sunset Shimmer, because trying too hard would only hurt her daughter and likely drive them further apart. The best she could do was to be patient and keep a respectable distance. But she was determined to keep the relationships she still had.

When she finally reached her sister’s bedroom, she turned the handle and opened the door gingerly. Luna was lying on her covered bed, having returned to laze in it right after raising the moon. Celestia smiled as she remembered how she used to indulge in that same way long ago right after raising the sun every morning. But right now Celestia felt hungry. The palace kitchens would have prepared a lovely dinner, but being a princess meant that you could skip whatever meals you wanted and no one would complain.

The Princess of the Moon looked up as she noticed her sister.

“Good evening Luna,” Celestia grinned. “I was just wondering- would you like to sneak out of the palace with me to go to Donut Joe’s?”

***

Twilight Sparkle lay on her bed inside her castle and stared quietly at the ceiling. She had been trying to read, but it felt hard to concentrate with everything on her mind. The holiday had been a very trying period for her, and even with everything that she had done to help them she wasn’t sure things would ever be quite the same again between herself, Sunset Shimmer and Princess Celestia.

Sunset has so many issues… with me, with her mother, even with herself. I thought back then that she had almost resolved everything, but now I’ve dug up all this bad history and it turns out she’s much farther away from that than I thought.

It still worried her a little that Sunset still hadn’t worked out her problems regarding their relationship, but the week had been very encouraging. The two had spent almost all of that time together: sharing meals, meeting new ponies, and even a sleepover one night with the rest of the girls. It felt like one long, extended date that had only just come to an end.

Maybe that’s why I’m feeling so down.

But the future still held many possibilities. Sunset had promised to meet with her regularly, and they would be spending more time together very soon on both sides of the mirror. Their next appointment was for a restaurant dinner only three days away, when Sunset wanted to introduce her to something called a “palak paneer” which apparently tasted delicious with a “garlic naan”.

She was excited to have another dinner date in the human world. Her mind returned to their intimate encounter a week ago. The memory made her squee a little and blush hard, even though no one was around to see her embarrassment.

Sunset is so cute when she’s vulnerable. I almost never got to see that side of her before.

But her glee abated as she realized that she should not get too far ahead of herself. It might be awhile before Sunset overcame that barrier and they could be together that way again, not to mention the fact that she was still likely grappling with the issues regarding her mother. It felt wrong to be focusing on romance until after she had time to recover from that.

In fact, the biggest casualty of the holiday might have been the relationship Twilight had with her former teacher. Celestia’s influence had loomed over every aspect of her life, and now that influence seemed somewhat worrying.

In the very least I don’t think I can look at her as a role model any more. What she did, neglecting the one who needed her most, replacing her with someone else… I’m not sure that’s something I want to emulate.

She wondered how many of Celestia’s traits she had already absorbed.

My obsession with her wasn’t exactly healthy. I think there’s a little part of me that still hasn’t gotten over my need for her approval. I’m going to have to work on that.

A little knock came from her door. A moment later, it creaked open and a little dragon poked his head in. Spike had taken Twilight’s explanation of her and Sunset’s relationship very well. It reminded her of how mature the little dragon was for his age.

“Hey Twilight? You looked a little sad when Sunset left, so I brought you some chamomile to cheer you up.”

He brought in a little tray with a hot cup of tea. Twilight liked having floral teas late at night, which she often sipped while reading.

“Thank you,” she smiled appreciatively. She didn’t usually see him as often in the evenings any more, ever since he got his own room and bed in the castle. The thought saddened her. Twilight recalled how much Spike always loved helping her, and the time he had panicked when she had first adopted Owlowiscious stuck out in her mind.

“Hey, Spike,” she said. “You’re… you’re really the best assistant I could have ever asked for.”

He grinned bashfully. “Thanks, Twilight.”

Suddenly she had an idea. “Hey, do you want to bring your comic books in here so we can read together like we used to?”

“Do I!” he replied excitedly. “Let me go get ‘em right now!”

Twilight grinned as the baby dragon ran off.

Tonight, I think I’ll spend time with my number-one assistant. I can worry about Sunset and Celestia tomorrow. After all, reconciliation and forgiveness are not about dwelling on the past.

They're about looking towards the future.