The insane tales of a Twisted Metal Mechanic
Ch: 1
Sup, my name is Clyde Carson, and if you've heard of me, then you've heard of a famous rapper with the same name as me. Yes, I enjoy his music and yes, I love cars, but unlike him, I didn't drive a Lamborghini or Rolls Royce, I drove a Hyundai and had those other two as toys or models. Or I did, until the weirdest day of my life happened. I fucking loved my life after that day, in spite of a few things.
I had just woke up on a sunday and finished breakfast when I decided to go blow some hard earned cash at the local flea market. After several minutes of fighting tooth and nail with my shity, totally boring car, I got the piece of junk working and drove to the weekly swap meet. Some tall blonde guy in a sweet cherry red muscle car parked in a handicap spot but other than that, and my muffler falling off again, not much happened on the way in. Once I got inside, I bought a root beer and started walking around, sipping on my non caffeinated beverage, occasionally stepping on little pop-it's, those paper bag things with some rock like things in it that make a sharp Snap! noise. Ya know, those things.
Anyway, I was looking through the stalls with various weapons and replicas while I was simply bored and hoping for something cool, I bought a Mac 10, a 9mm Glock and a AK 47. All airsoft guns, of course, I threw them in my backpack that I bring whenever I came here. When I was done with my weekly time wasting, I started leaving. I stopped by the door and bought one of those mini dog things, ya know which ones, and got a white pit bull with a few brown patches here and there on him, it felt like a he, I was going to put it on my TV stand with the rest.
As I was heading out to my crappy car, a stall caught my attention. It was covered in toys of all kinds; boxes of pop-it's, barrels of monkeys, worthless shit like that. But what caught my attention was a huge Hot Wheels box. The thing was massive, easily a solid three feet in all dimensions, it was gray with a large gear dead center that took up nearly half the box's top with the Hot Wheels symbol. It kinda looked like the entrance elevator from Vault 111 in Fallout: 4.
"Hey, what's this big box looking thing with the Hot Wheels logo on it?" I asked the salesmen. He was an older white gentlemen; nice suit, great hair cut with greying brown hair and a suspicious smile. In a word, dapper. In two; really boring.
He looked at me and waved at it, "That, is the future for vehicular storage of any and all cars. Go ahead, open it."
I looked down at it and noticed a small keychain with one of those garage remotes on it. After I had opened the thing, I saw beauty unparalleled anywhere. The box opened by lowering the gear and unlatching a electronic lock on the side, splitting down the middle. When I looked inside of it, I saw two of those car elevators central tower parking garage thing that took up the dead center, the top half and bottom half staying just within reach of each other. The entire thing had almost twenty levels with a small living quarters near the bottom.
And the cars, wow. Each level had massive parking space and was stuffed with a huge amount of toy cars; more than a few hundred of them! Classics and moderns, uniques and copies, fast ones and faster ones. I had a huge collection of Hot Wheels and I didn't have a tenth of what I saw in there.
"What is this?"
"That, is a subterranean car garbage based off of Vault 111, it's perfect for anyone who's serious about cars and protection." He replied with a grin, "One fifty for the whole thing."
Shit, I had no where near that much but I had to get this thing. He said it himself, it's a car vault for crying out loud! "I don't think I can afford this, but damn if I don't want it." I sighed. As I was about to leave, he stopped me with a sinister chuckle.
"Tell you what, I'm done here for the day, help me load the rest of my stuff up and it's yours." I did a double take, sure his stall was packed but nothing that would take too long to put away, even by yourself.
"Uh, only if you take what I have on me, I really don't want to just take this thing from you without at least giving you something." He agreed to my terms and I helped him put everything back in his truck. After I handed him seventeen dollars and he drove off, I asked myself two questions, "Why is he done for the day, this place is still open for four more hours; on a side note, how am I going to get my shitty ass car over here without someone stealing my stuff?"
As I pondered my problem, I happened to glance down, into the widening hole in the asphalt, right next to me. Looking over, I noticed that my newest possession was also glowing, like shining. Nonono, blinding! As the car vault kept getting brighter and brighter, I raised my arm to block out the sight as I took a step back.
Best mistake ever!
After falling for some confusingly difficult to determined time, I landed face first one some concrete from about three feet off of the ground, "Motherfucking nigga!" I screamed. Shaking my head at my racist remark and hoping no black people heard that, I put my hands under me and-
...
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Someone help me, I've turn into a black guy!" I screamed. I shot up to my feet and gave myself a once over.
Apparently, yes. I was black, my eyes were still colour shifting hazel, my clothes were the same, it was just my voice, skin and hair that had changed. My manliness was also changed but still the same old shoota I've always had, just painted differently.
Fucking stereotypes, lying and shit. I thought to myself, Wait, white guy turns black, what about my other stuff? Rooting through my backpack, I grabbed something warm, fuzzy and-
"Ow!" -bites. Reaching in once more, I pulled out a white and brown puppy, it looked like a red nose pit bull. He, I quickly found out, yawned as he squirmed in my grip. Placing him next to me, I looked once more in my bag, I found a Glock with six spare magazines, a Mac 10 with four and no AK.
*Grrr, grrrrrr.* Found the AK. The nameless pup was chewing on its stock and had two extra mags nearby. Sighing, I picked them both up, AK into the bag and pup in my hand, and looked around.
"Wait. If I'm black, you're alive and I hope these guns are real, then what happened to the... whoa." I guess that you've already got that, but twenty feet away from me was a massive gear shaped elevator with the Hot Wheels symbol on it. As I started towards it, a piece of paper flew into my face. Grumbling, I snatched it off and started reading it.
Welcome to Equestria, home of anthro ponies and magic. You're gonna have a lot of fun.
"Yeah, as if I'd be that stupid." I mumbled after I read that, looking down, I'd lost my breath.
Motherfucker, I'm the fucking author and you'll be as stupid as I want you to be.
"Okay, so magic paper that predicts my questions, why am I black?" I asked the paper, "What does that do to create a better story?"
Fuck if I know, do I look like I know why I do what I do? This whole thing was just a dumb ass idea I had after I stepped on a toy car in the middle of the night and... well, yeah. Count yourself lucky, some people get genderbent for no reason, would that have been better?
"Nah, that's okay, yous tha boss, mastah." I replied submissivly.
Really?
"Fine fine. So what now?" I replied with a roll of my eyes.
Go check out your new home, there'll be several new abilities you'll need to learn as well as your Master Mechanic's Book of Everything Automotive.
"Abilities? Sweet." I smirk as I walk towards the vault, the puppy squirming in my hands. 'This might not be so bad after all.'
Two years later...
Girl you're my angel, you're my darling angel.
Closer than my peeps you are to meeeee, baby.
Shorty you're my angel, you're my darling angel,
Girl you're my friend when I'm in neeeeed, baby.
I was standing outside of Luna's room in one of the courtyards, her balcony above me was the center of my attention. I had Shaggy blasting out of my speakers at max volume, my red and black seventy-seven Shevelle vibrating slightly to the music and Kisses sitting next to me, Kisses being my dog (Want to meet my dog Kisses? Okay, Kisses kill! Not so funny with a big ass pitbull chewing on you now is it?).
Life is one big party when you're still young,
But who's gonna have your back when it's all done.
S'all good when you're little, you have pure fun,
Can't be a fool, son, what about the long run.
Personally, I can't help but think all of the white ponies are racists, which is weird because I used to be white. Maybe it has something to do with being black? I don't know, what if every black guy automatically believes that all white people are racist? I guess that's the main reason I've been trying to hook up with her instead of her sister.
Looking back Shorty always mention,
Said me not giving her much attention.
She was there through my incarceration,
I wanna show the nation my appreciation.
But the last few weeks, she's been getting cold and distant. I mean, she never really liked me... at all. Usually she at least yell at me but now, she's been holding up in her room for several days straight. She probably hates me because of our first meeting, but in my defense she kinda drove her carriage onto my muddin' track. I apologized several times after ruining her dress, her mane, her tail, her wings and her carriage, which I rammed with a Ford King Ranch. My first words to her will always be something I'll remember, Oh shit, how the fuck are you still alive!? You're practically wrapped around my axle!
Her guards/drivers got away with mere scratches from the splinters, but it turned out that blue alicorn was literally wrapped around my axle! Not only alive, but furious and immediately ordered her guards to behead me. So I jumped back in the truck and threw it in reverse, bad idea number two was driving back home with a angry semi-god that can fly and shoot death rays from her head.
Yeah, I don't really blame her, she was the first hit-and-run victim in the entirety of history, regardless of her being able to run after me while I was doing eighty on a dirt road.
"Hey Luna, come on, let's drop all of this hate between us, go get drunk and drive around! There's no drinking and driving laws yet!" I yelled over the bass of my ride, my dog barked his agreement. The balcony doors slammed open and out stepped... "Luna? You... are you okay?"
The definitely-not-Luna looked kinda similar, in the way that a model year of a car can be similar to the previous one. She was wearing armour, something I've only saw her wearing once before, her eyes were no longer the soft, caring eyes her subjects got or even the furious abyss' I always got; they were slitted like a snakes and when I looked into them, it was like she didn't even see me as a person, or lesser being in her opinion, anymore, she looked at me like I was all but non-existent, "Foul ape!" She yelled in that loud ass tone of hers, but what shocked me was her words, I explained racism to her and her sister and both of them agreed to stop calling me that. "THOU HATH EARNED OUR IRE FOR THEE'S LAST TIME!"
As the ever eloquent speaker I am, I replied in a calm and collected- "Da fuck you just say? Man cut the shit and come on, we could be getting drunk and making gang sign constellations by now!"
She snorted as her horn startin glowing, "Thou dares imply thou knows what We should put in Our night sky! FOAL! We should've ended thee when thou first stuck Us!" Okay, scary Luna is terrifying, I really hoped that she was juat trying to scare me off.
"C'mon, I apologized for that, several hundred times even!" Maybe twice now that I think about it, "I gave your sister a car and you didn't even want to consider taking one! So let's stop with this hostility and have a couple drinks." Kisses barked his agreement when I said that, he's the only dog I've ever met that'll drink alcohol.
Suddenly, her horn flashed and she smirked down on me, "Thou shall be the first example of Our might!"
I looked down and yelled, "You bitch! My motherfucking Nikes!" My shoes had turned to stone, and the line where skin and cloth met stone was rising, a look over revealed my car and dog going through the same thing, How? All of my Hot Wheels are indestructible and magic proof! "I'll get you for this, you hear me you nigger hating bitch of the night!"
