Ditzy Doo's: A Quest for the Truth

Hey everypony! This is Ditzy Doo writing to you about the crazy week I just had. Some of you out there may know me as Derpina or Derpy Hooves, and for some reason I was once called the Muffin Queen; I'm not so sure why.

I'm writing this to save you, the reader, a lot of the trouble I had to go through. You fillies and colts pay close attention, because this is important stuff you need to know; I sure didn't. Also you may wanna get your parent's permission to read this, or I might get in trouble; Apparently this sort of thing is supposed to be taught in school, but I must've missed that lesson because, like I said, I didn't know.

Did you go get permission? Okay good, so let's keep going!

I'm going to start at the beginning, that makes sense right? So about a week ago, I was on a date with this reeeeally nice stallion. He took me to dinner, and I had the most delicious fruit salad. Then we went bowling, and I accidentally hit him with a ball. I'm not sure how, but at least he wasn't too upset with me; it was all a lot of fun.

Then we were back at my place, he even walked me home; he was so nice. He asked if I was going to invite him in, it wasn't very late so I said yes; he had one of the happiest smiles I'd ever seen when he was walking inside. I said he could make himself comfortable while he was there. I figured he was wanting to talk some more since he didn't get to enough earlier; I didn't know just how wrong I was. I offered him him some carrot cake, but he said something about wanting to eat something else; when I asked what he meant, he looked at me real funny.

He said, "I think you know what I mean." I just shook my head.

Then he said, "You know, we could go to bed." Which confused me, because he said he wanted to eat. His grin was really weird too.

This was where he stopped assuming I knew what he was talking about, it's also where my questions started. He asked if we were going to have sex.

If you're confused right now it's because, like me, you have no idea what he was talking about. My first thought was that he was hungry for sex, whatever it was, so I told him that I didn't have any.

When I told him that, he get all confused like me and started asking about Dinky. He wanted to know where she came from, which was way too easy to be anything but a trick question. So I thought about it for a long time.

Eventually I said, "I dunno, mom and dad?"

Apparently he thought Dinky was my foal, which is silly, she's my sister. I told him how silly he was, and I couldn't help but laugh. I think I hurt his feelings, because when I started laughing he got up and went out the door. He was muttering something about cold showers and not putting something on his concessions? I'm not so sure he said concessions anymore, but I'd have to ask exactly what he was talking about. The cold showers thing was weird too since it's summer, and there wasn't even rain scheduled that night.

After he left, I couldn't stop thinking about sex, or at least what he meant. I'd never heard the word before so that night I decided I'd go ask the smartest pony in town about it the next day.

The next day I was outside the Ponyville Library; if any place would have an answer it should be a library right? Also, if anypony in town would know it shold be Twilight Sparkle right?

So I went in and asked her if she knew what sex was, she looked at me funny, evrypony I tried asking wound up giving me that look. At least I know why now. She asked why I didn't learn about it in school, so I told her that I never took any cooking classes; see I still thought it was a food at the time. She gave me another funny look before going to retrieve a book from some really high shelf. I remember feeling sorry for earthpony librarians at the time, I still do actually. That would really stink having to push a ladder all over the place to get books. I fell off a ladder once ; I was helping with some kind of building project and I'd just got done with a bunch of deliveries so my wings were really tired. I think I slipped or something but a stallion caught me; we fell together but I landed on him. The pony in charge sent us both home, it turns out he was even more tired than I was.

Oops, I got off track there; back to the important part! Twilight started reading about a couple of ponies or something; I got distracted because, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a light blue pony walk in. It was Rainbow Dash, she's so nice. When we do stuff together there are usually a few accidents; nopony's fault really, but she's always so laid back about it,she's really nice.

When she saw me she said, "Hey Derpy, what are you doing in a library?" She laughed, I laughed too.

I told her I was learning, when she asked about what I told her about my date last night, and how that stallion wanted sex. I was starting to get the feeling it wasn't a food, but then why was he hungry?

Rainbow Dash laughed really hard, she said, "So you think some egghead knows what sex is? She wouldn't know sex if she saw it in a book!"

Twilight held the book in front of Rainbow Dash, but she just pushed it out of the way. It turns out you don't need books to be smart like Rainbow Dash is, because she did know what sex was.

This is when Rainbow Dash started telling me a story about how she was hanging out with Big Macintosh one night; I was really trying to listen, because I was hanging out with a stallion too the previous night. Twilight was telling Rainbow Dash to leave before she gave me wrong ideas so I couldn't actually tell what Rainbow Dash was saying, rude right? Looking back, Rainbow Dash probably knew what she was talking about, but I'm glad I didn't get all my information from her.

Instead of asking Twilight to hush she said, "Come on Derpy, let's go somewhere else so we won't be interrupted by eggheads."

I followed her to the door and we both took off; Twilight followed us to the door, but Rarity stopped her and started talking about something.

When Rarity saw us flying away she said, "You two are the last ponies I'd expect to see in a library."

So I told her, "I was just asking Twilight about sex, but she wasn't making any sense. Lucky for me Rainbow Dash showed up. Twilight wouldn't stop interrupting though, so we're going somewhere else where we won't be interrupted by eggheads."

Rarity got all worried looking then told Twilight to stop Rainbow Dash before she caused some sort of damage. I thought that was kinda funny since Rainbow Dash almost never has accidents, its usually me. Twilight grabbed us with her magic and brought us both back down. I was starting to think some invisible force didn't want me to know what sex was. Rarity started lecturing Rainbow dash about her unladylike habbits and how she should know better than to take advantage of innocent little "Derpy". I think she's the one that needs to learn more manners; I'm not that little, my weight is just a little below average, Nurse Redheart says so.

Rainbow Dash started talking about how Twilight hadn't even had any sex, so she wouldn't know anything about it; she was also saying that she wasn't actually going to do anything because that would be so uncool. If I knew then what I know now, I would have thanked Rainbow Dash, it really wouldn't have been cool.

So Rarity stopped lecturing Rainbow Dash after that, probably because she wasn't as good as Twilight or Cheerilee was at it.

So then I asked Rarity if she'd ever had any sex, and her face turned really red. Again, now I think I know why; at the time I thought she was sick or something. Rainbow Dash just laughed, I laughed with her even though I didn't get the joke. She got all tongue tied when she tried to explain why you don't ask a lady that question.

Rainbow Dash added, "Especially when the answer is yes!" After that she started laughing harder.

Twilight had been asking Rainbow Dash to stop for a while I guess, because she used her magic to zip Dash's lips. It was probably for the best, it looked like all the laughter was starting to hurt.

So Rarity asked me why I didn't know about sex, and why I was asking. I told her like I'd already told Twilight and Rainbow Dash about the stallion the previous night. Of course I got the funny look again when I got to the part where I told her I thought it was a food. Rarity cleared that up really quickly; that's when I stopped thinking it was a food she said it wasn't and why would she lie? I still wasn't any closer to an answer though.

Rarity just talked about how when two ponies really like each other the can express themselves like something something something; Twilight reading from a book made it real hard to understand what Rarity was saying. Rainbow Dash was just looking from one to the other; she couldn't say anything because of Twilight's magic.

The morning was ticking away and I wasn't getting any farther with the both of them talking at the same time; I also realized I had deliveries to make, so I just thanked them for the help, even though I didn't get any, and I ran off to find out what I was delivering, and to where.

If I could have put the question out of my head, that would have been the end of it. I kept thinking about sex so much though, that I kept flying into the Ponyville clock tower; by my last delivery I had a real bad bump on my head.

All I knew by the end of my deliveries was that sex was something stallions liked to eat, but it wasn't a food; I feel so silly looking back on it. Without giving away too much, eating and sex probably wouldn't mix well; apparently you have a good chance of making a mess already, food would just add to it.

Back to the important bits! My last delivery was what brought me so close to an answer. I had to make a quick trip to Canterlot, to the palace more specifically. Somepony there was getting a box with hearts all over it, it wasn't even Hearts and Hooves Day.

I'd made the flight dozens of times and I knew there weren't any clock towers on the way so I let myself start thinking again. So If nopony in Ponyville could tell me what sex was, not even the smartest pony I knew, then maybe somepony in Canterlot might know. I wasn't so sure about asking another librarian, Rarity said I can't ask other mares, a stallion might know, but again Rarity said I have to like them "very very much."

As I landed at the palace I had the most amazing idea, if I couldn't ask a regular mare, then I could ask a super mare like one of the princesses. Rarity didn't say anything about them, and if anypony in Equestria would know absolutely everything, it would be Princess Celestia and Luna. I can be so clever sometimes.

So I had to deliver the package first, that took a little while since I had to ask what pony it was going to. The whole time I kept an eye out to see if I could spot the princesses. I asked around and eventually found the pony the package was going to. It was a guardpony who was just sort of standing around, so I gave it to him.

I said, "Somepony thinks you're special." He got all red in the face and his friend laughed, some ponies are just happy all the time.

I asked him if he knew where Princess Celestia was, and he said, "In the throne room where she always is." I'd never been to the throne room so I was excited. It was kinda late when I got there and I was told that Celestia probably wouldn't be giving audience to anypony else for the day. I still had to try.

When I walked into the throne room I saw her, Princess Celestia that is, she was talking with some rich looking pony and smiling like she always does; even when certain ponies ask certain, silly questions. Her mane is so pretty too, it's always blowing in the wind; which is so cool when there isn't actually wind. Her mane is almost as cool as Rainbow Dash is, almost. Anyways, Princess Celestia was saying goodbye to the rich pony when I walked in, and she was already coming down from her seat. The guardpony next to me told me that meant she was done for the day; I couldn't turn away right when the answer was so close. I made up my mind that even if I got into a little trouble I was asking Princess Celestia my question.

I flew across the room calling her name real loud so she could hear me, she looked up and saw me, so did the guards and the rich pony.

I landed next to her before the first guardpony did, the princess and I were smiling, he wasn't; he was doing the opposite thing, frowning. I was smiling because I could finally ask her what sex was, and where I could find some for that stallion, she was smiling because she's just really nice, he was frowning because apparently you aren't supposed to fly at the princess shouting her name.

I said, "I'm really really sorry Princess Celestia, but I need to ask you a real important question that nopony else can help me with."

She told the guards, there were more of them now, the others had caught up, to stand down. They couldn't really since they were all at the bottom of the closest set of stairs, so they all just backed away a little. The rich pony cleared his throat and said his goodbyes too.

Princess Celestia said, "You're Ditzy Doo the deliverymare, correct?"

I nodded,

"Of course, I recognize you from your- Description; the one my dear student Twilight Sparkle wrote in one of her letters. She said you dropped something rather heavy on her head." She laughed a little.

That was real embarrassing, she knew about me because of one of the very few accidents that have happened near me that have been my fault.

I said, "Yeah, at least she didn't get too mad at me, my boss wasn't so happy, but he didn't yell either."

"You had a question?" She reminded me. I got off track in front of the princess, so embarrassing.

"Oh yeah," I said, remembering my question, "I was on a date with this stallion last night, and he walked me home; he was real nice all night. Then he wanted to come inside and hang out for a little while, I was okay with it so he came in and sat on the couch. I offered him some food, but he said he wanted some sex, which I didn't have."

Princess Celestia blinked for a real long time, I guess she knew I'd already gotten enough weird looks for one day; she really does know everything. Some of the guards started whispering and giggling, they knew what I didn't; if I'd been one of them and heard somepony ask that I would probably laugh too. The things we learn, right?

So I kept going, "So then I went to see Twilight this morning to ask her what sex was and how to make it. She started talking about a couple ponies, which I wasn't really getting, until Rainbow Dash showed up. She said Twilight didn't have any sex so she couldn't know anything about it. I thought I'd lucked out when she said she did know what sex was, but then Twilight kept on reading while Rainbow Dash was trying to explain stuff so she started taking me to somewhere else where we wouldn't be interrupted by eggheads. When we were leaving, Miss Rarity showed up, it was a really crazy morning."

I lost my place in the story for a second, but it was okay because Princess Celestia had heard enough to help me.

"So you want to know what sex is, and you've already asked several ponies who couldn't help you? What happened with the stallion?"

"Oh I think he thought it was going to rain because he said something about cold showers, it wasn't but that was okay I guess. But I felt sort of bad because he said he was hungry for sex and I didn't have any. I have a feeling it isn't a food though, right? My face felt a little hot, I may have been blushing. I really can't remember.

So she said, "You didn't learn about sex in school?"

I nodded again, "Yeah, I don't remember that lesson I guess."

"It's quite alright my dear I was just asking." She laughed again. It was a really nice laugh, and she was still smiling. "Your home is in Ponyville correct?"

I said, "Yeah." Or did I say, "Yes ma'am." I should have said it the second way since she's a princess and all, I don't remember what I said, but I really hope I said "Yes ma'am." I don't like being rude.

So she asked, "The school there is taught by Cheerilee, isn't it?"

I nodded again maybe a little harder than I should have, it made me sort of dizzy. Isn't that so cool though, if you're one of Cheerilee's students then that means Princess Celestia knows who your teacher is, that's kinda exciting right? I guess if somepony outside of Ponyville reads this they might not know who Cheerilee is, but oh well.

"Did you ask her? She is a teacher after all." She asked me, and I felt silly again.

I hadn't asked her, and she is without a doubt somepony who can make things make sense. If I was supposed to learn about sex in school, then why didn't I just go to school to learn before going to all the trouble? I'm so silly sometimes.

So after all that, here I am writing this for Cheerilee's students, and I guess whoever else decides to read this. She's going to read it for the class when I'm done, I'm so excited. Dinky thinks I'm going to embarrass her, but I think her friends will think she's cool for having a big sister who writes about stuff. She's just a silly filly.

I'm forgetting something aren't I...

Oh yeah! "What is sex?"

Sex is how little fillies and colts are made. I don't get the whole idea behind it yet, but your daddy puts you into your mama's tummy and then you grow in there for a while until you're born. I'm sure Cheerilee will explain better than me, but that's what it is. At least I think that's what Cheerilee told me.

I wonder if Cheerilee will say her name when she reads this out loud or if she'll say something like, "I'm sure I will explain better than me, but that's what it is."

Nope that looks like it wouldn't work All well.

This is the end I guess, now I have to go tell that stallion that I don't want a baby yet. I'll try to figure out what he wanted to eat since you can't eat sex. Maybe I can still make him some now that I know better.