Tom Smith has been here for a thousand years, standing still as a statue. He was standing there ever since Celestia and Lu-
Honestly? Couldn’t you think of any better introduction to the story? And do you really have to use the clichè of being turned to stone by the Celestial Sisters, AND that the petrification happened a thousand years ago? Honestly, I feel ashamed for being the main-character here.
...Tom Smith-
And that name. We said in the Description we wouldn’t use it.
A completely cool and badass male human-
...now he doesn’t even have a name. I told you one in the description already!
A completely cool and badass male-
Oh, why does he have to be male? Huh? SEXISM! You’ll just turn me, the poor guy / lad into whatever character you want anyways, so why bother?
The not genderbent male human, who is totally rad and cool and awesome… did for once not get interrupted halfway into the sentence, and broke out of his stone-prison with his totally rad powers, which are…
So you didn’t even think about which character you were going to turn me into, did you? Well, you are one lazy dude.
Hello?
Well, now that he is gone, I might just be able to write a decent story.
Lets start at the beginning…
The complete badass-ball that is Omnipotence!
WHAT? No! You can’t just make someone omnipotent, where is the story with that?
Nigh-Omnipotence?
No.
Just below Night-Omnipotence?
Look, if you want to write a good story that people actually are going to like, you should keep your hands far away from anything resembling Omnipotence.
…
Just… just start where it really begins. Where the first thing important to the story happens.
A thousand years ago, a universe away
The cool and badass human-
Seriously, get a name for him. Like, I don’t know, Petrus Goldenberg or something. And no, Tom Smith is not available.
Petrus Goldenberg looked around. While he was on a Comic-Convention, he did not cosplay as anything.
As he looked arou-
You’re repeating yourself.
He saw a merchant, dressed like the one from Resident Evil, with a cool sphere.
Ugh, are you really going to do that? Like, really? You are literally unable to think of anything creative yourself, aren’t you?
“Hey, cool!”, he shouted out, “I have always wanted to have one of those spheres futuretellers use!”
Why am I shouting that? And you didn’t even describe the sphere that way, I thought it was just a metal sphere!
...Petrus Goldenberg wants to write his own story so he can be a Gary Stu.
You are the guy who is being uncreative. You probably would have made me a Gary Stu anyways with that Omnipotence…
Here, let me write:
Petrus Goldenberg is in the safety of his own house, specifically the kitchen. His average, white fridge you would find in Sims 4 as the cheapest fridge is currently in front of him.
Next to it, there is his stove, which you would also find in Sims 4 as the cheapest one.
The floor and lower walls are made up from multiple square-cut tiles, each one being roughly four centimeter wide.
The upper walls and ceiling are gray, with some spots being even grayer than others, and some even being brown.
A lamp hangs from the middle of the ceiling.
Petrus Goldenberg opens his fridge to look inside, but there is nothing inside it.
“NOOOOO!”, he screams in desperation, “Why do I have to be the guy who has nothing in his fridge?”
At that, a high-pitched voice is to be heard: “Do not fear, Oh Suffering Mortal! I have come to release you from the horror that is an empty fridge!”
“Who are you?”, Petrus wonders in awe while turning around, examining a pink fairy inside a plane made of cotton-candy.
“I am the great Fairy of Cotton Candy, and I have chosen YOU to be my champion!”
At that, Petrus is taken aback, suspicion growing in his chest: “But why me? Why me, out of all the other people with empty fridges?”
The Fairy of Cotton Candy just giggled, before telling him: “Because you were the first to open your fridge and find it empty today. And today is the day chosen by me, the Fairy of Cotton Candy!”
Petrus cannot believe this. He realises he probably is on drugs and should stop smoking.
Oh, come on! What is your problem? I was doing fine until you started butting back in, this way it would not have been a clichèd way to Equestria! But no, you probably will use the merchant anyways, will you?
The Fairy of Cotton Candy cocks her head, and asks Petrus: “Is there a problem? Come, I will help you! All you need to do is sign here”, she takes out a long contract with a small line at the bottom requiring a signature.
“So, I will never have to worry about an empty fridge again?”, Petrus wonders, signing with his pen.
Where did I get the pen from? You are creating a plothole here.
‘Once again, always having a pen in my trouser-pockets proved to be the superior choice’, he quietly thinks to himself.
Wait, so I just sign like that? I don’t even QUESTION it? Like, what actually is written on the contract? Do you think I am that stupid?
Of course, he does this only after reading through the contract, which contains that he is going to be sent to another world, given the power to create Cotton Candy out of nothing (and being able to change practically everything about it besides the basic things (Like, he could change the colour, but not the form of it)) and that he has to cause Cotton Candy to be freely available to everyone.
Boo! Exposition! Boo! And honestly, do you really think I would still sign after reading all that?
‘If only it wasn’t sunday, then I could just go buy something to eat instead’, Petrus mumbles quietly.
Well played, good sir, well played.
“Whee! Then let the adventure begin, and don’t forget to give free Cotton Candy to everyone!”, the Fairy of Cotton Candy exclaims while painting the words pink and giggling, “I will check back on you later!”
After that, the Cotton Candy-plane suddenly starts to grow like crazy, quickly filling the whole room and enveloping Petrus. He tries to scream, but that only results in the cotton candy getting into his mouth, cutting off his air-supply.
He stays that way for a couple of minutes, before blacking out.
Honestly? You actually seem to be getting the hang of it now. I… I think I might actually allow you to write my story now.
One blackout during which noone remembers anything later
As he awakes again, he finds himself inside the ruins of an old castle. The walls are adorned by banners depicting some kind of pegasus-unicornhybrid, designed with either a night-theme in mind, or others with a day-theme.
Wait, don’t tell me…
Petrus discovers an exit, and a way that seems to lead further into the castle. He chooses to exit the castle, and as he exits he sees himself faced with a very thick growing fo-
NO! Just when I thought you might actually be half-competent, you use the Everfree-clichè. We will not-
-rest, only separated from it by a very deep rift. However, a rope bridge does allow people to traverse from one side to the other. After crossing the rift, he finds himself immediately tackled by a wolf made out of wood-
-use the freaking Everfree as the starting point of my adventure in Equestria… Are you even listening?
But manages to avoid being hit by the wooden wolf, before taking a combat-stance.
Okay, first off: I don’t even know any combat-stances. Second off: NO! We are not using the Timberwolf / Manticore-clichè either. Third off: Let me show you how it’s done.
As Petrus Goldenberg awakens again, he realises he was whisked away while he was unconcious.
“Damn it”, he mutters to himself, “I wanted to see how that universe-travel is done, so I could just travel back.”
He looks around, and sees that he is right next to a road, which itself is between a few mountains and a town. He stands up, and just when he is about to walk towards the town, the ground rumbles.
‘What is going on?’, he wonders, before a huge worm with yellow teeth, a pink head and a red lion-like mane shoots out of the ground, revealing the rest of its body to be coated in purple scales.
It looks down upon Petrus, and begged: “Please, don’t kill me, oh great and mighty Petrus Goldenberg!”
What, no! How would it even know about me? And additionally, all I can do is completely destroy the fourth wall to force you to write a better story than you would normally, and generate cotton candy with multiple flavors and nutritional values!
“How do you know my name, you foul beast?”, he demands to know, before adding: “And how are you able to speak?
The beast whimpers fearfully, before responding: “It says so on your nametag, and I am very old, a thousand years ago I was enchanted by a powerful unicorn named Starswirl to gain intelligence, and the ability to speak. Additionally, it says on your nametag you are able to generate cotton candy, my one weakness!”
Seriously? Oh, and he just so happens to meet the creature Starswirl enchanted. Very smart. What is it’s name?
“How do people call you?”, Petrus inquires, the creature having evoken his interest.
“My name is Friedricha the Great o’Silvra, great Petrus Goldenberg”, Friedricha tells him.
You just took Friedrich, and added an A at its end. I guess it’s supposed to be a she. And I wanted to know the name of the species, not that individual creature.
“What do they call your species?”, Petrus implores.
“Tatzlwurm, my dear lord”, she replies.
Petrus grins, before looking over to the village.
“Say, Friedricha, you need to eat cotton candy for it to be harmful, right?”
“Yes, my lord. Why?”, she wonders.
“Because I need to give free cotton candy to everyone. You don’t want it, that is fine too…”
Wait, why is she now so suddenly submissive? Is the horror of him forcing cotton candy into her mouth THAT great? What would even happen…
On second thought, don’t explain that. I don’t even want to know.
While riding the Tatzlwurm over to-
Why does she… wait, no, that was a stupid question.
-the town, Petrus sees the townfolk pointing at him and his mount, before they flee into their houses.
“Pfft, why are they fleeing?”, Petrus says jokingly, “I mean, it’s not like we are looking scary or anything.”
“Actually”, Friedricha begins, before Petrus interrupts her:
“I know. We do look scary. The question was meant rhethorical.”
Petrus contemplates something, before asking: “Say, don’t you normally move underground instead of snakelike overground?”
“Do you want me to dig underground?”
“...good point.”
Wait, you actually managed to find a plothole without my help? I am proud of you, even if you are still the worst author I have ever seen.
After arriving at the town, those living inside it immediately start coming back out once they see Petrus-
Why? Why do they come back out? THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE! I just rode a friggin’ Tatzlwurm into their town! So why would they come back out?
The citizens of the town stay inside, which angers Petrus, since now he cannot just give Cotton Candy to everyone.
“Ugh, do I really have to break in to get the cotton candy to them?”, he wonders.
Wait… you are going to make him break INTO the house of someone? I… actually, I can get behind that idea. The Fairy never said that he didn’t have to get Cotton Candy to those hiding from him, so to be sure… yup, definitely okay, and if only because I like crime in stories.
Petrus breaks open the door, finding the residents cowering inside…
“Unicorns”, he deadpans, “I have to give cotton candy to friggin’ unicorns.”
Aren’t you going to tell me what they look like, besides being unicorns?
The residents are one large unicorn stallion, who has pink fur, a purple mane and tail, and some butt-tattoo detailing cottoncandy crossed out, and two foals.
“...seriously?”, he mutters, “Yeah, I don’t believe that.”
The foals are colts, with one having orange fur, blue mane and tail and a butt-tattoo of a cheesecake. The other one has green fur, greenblue mane and tail and a butt-tattoo showing a lipstick.
“I will need you to eat some cottoncandy”, Petrus explains, to which the stallion (probably the father of the two little ones) replies:
“What? NO! I will not let you-”
At that Petrus grabs cottoncandy out of nothing (it basically appears in his hand) and shoves it into his mouth, before turning towards the foals: “Now, we can do this the easy way, or the hard way…”
Wow. This story is getting pretty dark already. But… atleast it is readable now. But hey, villains are popular for some reason. Atleast I will not be one of those misunderstood villains…
Petrus makes baseless assumptions in his head.
WHAT? I do NOT make baseless assumptions… waaaait, you don’t mean… I’m going to be sick.
After shoving cottoncandy into the mouths of the colts too, he interrogates them: “So, besides everyone being anti-cottoncandy, is there ANYTHING else I should know?”
“Please don’t hurt me…”
“I said…”
Oh god, what are you doing STOP STOP STOP! Just… just tell us what happened, don’t show it. For once, it is the right thing to do. Write an exposition.
The stallion tells Petrus that the sun and moon are controlled by two horses, and that their race is called ponies. Those two god-horses are called Celestia and Luna. There are three kinds of ponies, namely Earthponies, who have a special connection to the ground and are especially strong, Pegasi, that have the ability to fly and walk on clouds, and Unicorns, who have pretty much magic.
There are also six heroes wielding six artifacts embodying Generosity, Kindness, Loyalty, Honesty, Laughter and Anti-Cottoncandy.
Anti-cottoncandy? Seriously? Everyone knows it should be magic. here, let me try: These six artifacts embody Generosity, Kindness, Loyalty, Honestly, Laughter and Magic.
The bearers of the six artifacts embody Generosity, Kindness, Loyalty, Honesty, Laughter and Anti-cottoncandy.
...seriously?
“Honestly?”, he says, “That is a very weird element.”
I didn’t say honestly… wait, I did. Damn.
Moving on…
After that, he gave cottoncandy to everyone in town.
Gave?
He gives cottoncandy to everyone in town.
Whaa… okay, the time tense you wrote in was wrong too, but that wasn’t my point! HE JUST SHOVES IT DOWN THEIR THORATS!
He forces everyone in town to eat cottoncandy before storming a train. Thankfully, for some reason noone besides the trainconductor (also a pony) and him is on it.
A few days later
“Celestia!”, a guard runs into the throne-room, “An… incident happened.”
“What is the problem? Did Discord break free again? Or did someone escape from Tartarus?”, Celestia inquires.
“Not exactly… this incident is… urgent, but… strange to explain. I guess I should start with… cotton candy.”
Wow, so you are going to end the chapter with that? Great. That was a really fulfilling start of the story, and that end was totally not supposed to hook people up for something they don’t even want to read, because it is just that terrible. Honestly, why does everyone end on cliffhangers? ON THE FRIGGIN’ FIRST CHAPTER!
