The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

I’m a deep sleeper, always have been and always will be. I don’t even know how I’ve managed to get up on time everyday in the marines but I did it, when not on active duty my normal job didn’t require me to wake until noon. I’m used to sleeping in and I love it, what I don’t love is the hoof jabbing me in the gut. Stubborn as ever I turn and ignore Twilight’s attempts to wake me hoping that she will stop soon if I pretend not to notice, she doesn’t.

The only reason I finally get up is to save myself massive bruising from Twilights hooves. I get up and stumble to the bathroom to change; the pain I feel this morning actually is a hangover, a small one but one none the less. I toss my new dress clothes into a laundry hamper and shower. After a few minutes spent crouching under cold water I jop out and dry off. I put on the new cargo pants Rarity made for me. I like them a lot, lightweight but durable, stretchy and tough, they’ll work just fine. I put my belt on and with it my knife sheath and my holster. I slide my desert eagle into the holster and fasten it shut. The new shirts Rarity made are soft and cool so it almost feels as though I wasn’t even wearing a shirt. I put on my old socks; I’ll have to get some new ones made, and lace my boots up.

I open the bathroom door and bump into Twilight who was just about to ask me if I was ready to go yet.

“So where to today?” We begin to discuss chores and errands that she need to do today as I check my rifle and sling it over my back. After I grab my hat we head downstairs and out the door. Spike had told Twilight that he could watch the library while we went to town so we took the opportunity to meet some of the ponies around here before going to Pinkie’s party.

For an hour and a half we walk around Ponyville and greet people…ponies I mean. Twilight introduces me to at least fifty ponies or maybe more, only a few of them stuck out.

Mayor mare, that’s her title, not her name, welcomed me to Ponyville and told me to stop by town hall later and apply for a weapons permit so I could legally carry my rifle. I don’t think that they have any permits specifically for firearms but I guess whatever they have will do, besides I still have my F.O.I.D. card from back home, that has to count for something.

A mail mare with not one but two lazy eyes flies down and stops us to give Twilight a wedding invitation. The mail mare, one Derpy hooves, is getting hitched next month and will then be Derpy Whooves. Weird but whatever, I assume she’s not marrying family but if she is I wouldn’t be all that surprised, I knew a lot of cousin fuckers back in Louisiana when I lived there so it wouldn’t be anything new or shocking. After Derpy leaves twilight tell me about the walleyed Pegasus’ fiancé, an earth pony named Dr. Whooves who had moved here from somewhere and set up shop, he was a scientist like Twilight. My mind immediately jumper to Dr. Who but I didn’t say anything, that would be a crazy assumption. Then again I made it here…

The only other pony that we meet that made any lasting impression was a green unicorn named Lyra; her Mark matched her name well. I only know her name because Twilight told me it after the fact. Lyra had seen Twilight and I walking and had shouted something in Greek at me. I’m fluent in several languages but Greek’s not one of them, I couldn’t tell anything further than what language it was. Lyra then ran up to my and began to talk rapidly in Greek. I stared at her as she went on and on until somepony shouted her name and she ran off. We haven’t seen her since. This was weird for two big reasons: First; according to Twilight Greek wasn’t used anywhere in Equestria, it was known only on earth. And second; I had thought I heard Lyra say the Greek word for human a few times, nopony knew what humans where until I had told them.

Weird shit is weird.

Twilight and I go to the open market and buy groceries and supplies for the library. While there we see Pinkie pulling a cart or party stuff (Oh dear God.) and the Apples at their stand. We stop to chat and I noticed that Mac was quieter than usual, not saying hi to us or even acknowledging our existence. Hearing that apple buck season, what they call harvest season, was coming up I offer to help out. Applejack says that she may just take me up on my offer. Before we leave Applebloom cons Twilight into buying twenty apples that she hadn’t intended on getting.

As we leave the market I tell Twilight of my need for new socks and shoes so we decide to visit Rarity again. On the way there twilight suggests that I find a leather worker to make a pair of dress shoes for me, I can hear the disgust in her voice when she says leather. I guess that while ponies can accept my eating cows they still don’t like the thought of wearing them, I’m glad my belt is made of material and not leather then.

We make our way to Carousel Boutique and I prepare my sinuses for an onslaught of harsh fumes, how anyone can enjoy such strong scents is beyond me. I tell twilight that I’ll be just a few minutes and that she can wait out here if she wants, I know the smells bother her as well. Twilight waits on a park bench as I go inside to give my new orders to Rarity. I walk in to find an empty shop, strange; I thought for sure that Rarity would have opened by now on a Friday.

I politely shout to see if anyone is in back but receive no answer. Being nosy (An unfortunate trait that I received from my mother.) I check out every room on the main floor to see if anyone is around. After failing to find anyone I quietly make my way upstairs to check if Rarity is even here. Soft moans greet my ears and my curiosity peaks. Now I just have to know what the hell is going on here.

There are four rooms up here and three are dark, I head towards the obvious choice. The noises of ecstasy are coming from in here. Using all the stealth I could muster I nudge open the door and look inside, what I see is a bit of a shock.

Inside the room on her bed are Rarity, I kind of expected that, and on top of Rarity is someone else. Not somepony else, more like somemule else. I silently close the door and sneak on back down the stairs. I leave a note with what I need on her worktable and walk out of the Boutique, all the while smiling and muttering “Damn Toby, her apology last night must have been something.”

I meet Twilight and we head to Sugercube Corner, when she asks if Rarity was there I just tell her that she was ‘busy’.

I’m sure that rarity will fill Twi in on all the juicy secrets later just like I’m sure that Toby will brag all about it to me next Monday at the poker game he invited me to.

For now I just keep my mouth shut and focus my attention on getting to Sugercube Corner and the delicious confections that Pinkie has waiting there for me.

I don’t know what I’m hoping for more; triple chocolate fudge cake or pineapple upside down cake, Pinkie knows how much I love both but I’m not sure which kind she picked.

I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.