The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Quadruple chocolate upside down lemon meringue fudge pineapple cake.

Sweet baby Jesus, I’m going to have diabetes... Tonight!

I salivate and my blood sugar skyrockets just by looking at the edible marvel in front of me. I consider proposing to Pinkie here and now just to have her cook for me for the rest of my life, the bestiality and clogged artery aspects of that scenario don’t even matter at the moment. All that matters is that cake and more importantly how much I can put in my belly.

I hug Pinkie and thank her for the party and the cake. Being the guest of honor I get to cut the cake and have the first slice. I’ll admit that I tend to go overboard when I get to cut my own slice of the cake…especially when it’s Pinkie’s cake.

“Lafayette, isn’t that a bit much?”

“Not in the least Twilight, but if I go for seconds then I’ll agree with you that it’s a bit much.” I speak though a mouthful of cake so good that it’s nearly orgasmic. Nearly but not actually, that would be awkward and messy. What Twilight considers ‘a bit much’, a bit much being a third of a cake made to feed twenty ponies, I consider just enough. Every pony gets a slice and sits down in the various chairs around Sugarcube Corner; all together there are about fifty ponies here, roughly a tenth of Ponyville’s population.

The main six, including a very happy Rarity, are all here, Toby made it, to Rarity’s surprise and delight, and so did mayor mare. Looking around I see derpy with her fiancé (I assume) and her daughter (Again I assume). I also see Big Mac (Looking quite uncomfortable being around so many ponies), Applebloom (Who is busy chatting with Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle.), and an elderly green mare who I recognize from Applejack’s description as Granny Smith (Who is currently napping in a rocking chair).

The only pony that I expected to be here who isn’t is Lyra. But whatever. Most of the ponies here are just here to see me (AKA that weird frigging human creature they’ve heard so much about.)

For a half hour or so we just sit, chat and eat cake. Toby takes a break from talking to Rarity to remind me of the poker game at his Apartment next week and that I can bring a friend if I want. Pinkie asks me how I like the party so far and if I like the cake, she gets an enthusiastic yes to both questions. Happy to see me happy she hops in the air and hangs there for a second. In that second she whispers something in my ear that forces me to sit back down and cross my legs. Damn Pinkie, who knew you were such a naughty filly.

I push Pinkie’s proposition out of my mind as an off white mare with half pink, half purple hair and three candies for a Mark walks up to me and asks if she could have a moment of my time.

‘Don’t be selling shit, don’t be selling shit.’

“Did you meet a sea foam green unicorn yesterday?”

‘Yes, she’s not trying to sell me shit, every time someone opens with the line ‘can I have a moment of your time’ their trying to sell me shit. It gets old fast.’

“Yeah I did, she started shouting at me in Greek and I think she said something about humans before she ran off. Why do you ask?”

“Yeah, that’s my Lyra. She’s had this obsession with humans since she was a little filly and when she heard about you she kind of went off the deep end. I don’t know what she said in Greek, I don’t even know where she learned Greek, but would you talk to her please. Maybe if she gets to meet you and talk to you then she’ll get over that obsession of hers and our life can go back to normal.”

“I think I can do that, tell her to stop by the library some time, that’s where I’m staying at. By the way you are…?”

“I’m Bon Bon, Lyra’s wife. Thank you for this, if you talk to her maybe she’ll finally calm down about this whole human thing, it gets very annoying. No offense.”

“None taken, we humans can be quite annoying when we want to be. I’ll have a word with her when I get a chance.”

Bon Bon leaves after another thank you and someone else taps on my side. I turn to see a blushing Rarity next to me.

“Hey Rarity, how’d the apology go?” Time to troll, heh, heh, heh.

“Oh it went as well as could be expected, I explained to Tobias how I’d never actually meet a mule and all the bad things I had heard about them but that he seemed so nice and that if you liked him that he must be a good fellow.”

“And then?” I encouraged her to continue with a little spin of my hand.

“Well he invited me to go out for drinks and we had a nice long discussion about Canterlot cuisine and fashion, I was quite surprised to find that he had such knowledge of high society but wasn’t the least bit stuck up.”

“And then?”

“He might have asked me out on a date.” A furl my eyebrows deeply and squint at her.

“And then?”

“I might have accepted.”

I almost whisper this time. “And then?” I draw out the ‘then twice as long as it should be.

“He walked me home, that was it, nothing more happened. I went in and went to bed. That’s it. Nothing happened!”

“Ah, I believe you. So did you get my note?”

“Eh, what note darling?”

“The note I left on your workbench. I came over around nine to order some more clothes but you were still upstairs so I left a note on the worktable and left, I didn’t want to disturb you or anything. It sounded like you were concentrating very intensely on whatever you were doing in your bedroom. What were you doing anyway? Sewing a new dress, watching TV, ‘walking home’ with somemule I might know?”

I chuckle as blood rushes to Rarity’s cheeks; I didn’t know anyone could blush so hard. I pat her on the head just behind her horn and lean in to whisper to her.

“Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone, your secrets safe with me. And besides, you could do a lot worse than Toby; he’s a great guy… for an ass.”

Rarity’s blush fades and she clears her throat.

“Well part of the secret isn’t going to be kept for very long, Toby and I had planned to tell our friends of our relationship during the party, just not that specific part of our relationship.”

“Would you like a little help with that?” She nods her head and waves for Toby to walk over. As soon as he’s next to her I stand up and whistle loudly, drawing Everypony’s attention to me.

“Hello everybody, firstly I’d like to thank you all for coming here to welcome me to Ponyville, it is greatly appreciated,” at that everyone in the room clapped a bit before settling down to let me finish. “Secondly, I’d like to introduce Everypony to a new couple. Rarity, Toby please stand up.” The white mare and the brown mule stand together and smile, Toby’s smile is warm and friendly and rarity’s is a bit forced. I can see that she is afraid of her new boyfriend (Mulefriend?) not being found acceptable. Let me fix that. “Toby here is a close personal friend of mine and a great guy, Rarity is also a friend of mine and a wonderful mare. I hope they are happy together and that things go well for them and that people don’t judge their relationship based on race. To a happy couple!” I shout and raise my glass, everyone in the room follows. I see that Rarity’s smile is now just as genuine as her mulefriend’s.

The party settles back down and ponies go back to whatever they were talking about before my toast. I pat Toby and rarity both on the back and quietly tell them to name their first five children after me. Before either can speak I stand up and walk off to get seconds of cake. It would be nice to have mutant half pony half mule babies named after me but I know that they’re nowhere near that point of their relationship yet. Besides, six of my friends back home have named their kids after me, either because I asked them to or I’ve saved their asses and risked mine to ensure that they would get to go home and see their spouse.

I smile sadly at the thought. Matt, ‘Fish’, Cisco. Some of the best friends I’d ever had. And now I will never see them again.

NO DAMNIT! You’re at a party, you’re healthy and alive. This is no time for some self pity bullshit. Be happy, you’re in Equestria; you have a new life and new friends, there is nothing to be sad about while you’re here.

Then why do I feel so depressed all of a sudden.

My rotten mood is lifted by the pretty pink pony that comes bounding into the kitchen where I stand.

“Why so blue?” she asks cheerfully.

“Oh I just remembered some of my friends back home, friends I might not get to see again.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, but I’m your friend right? So are Twilight and Rarity and Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash and Applejack and Toby and Big Mac and…”

"Yes Pinkie, you’re all my friends to, but ill still miss the ones back home. You know what I mean?”

“Yeppers, I still miss my sisters, I don’t get to visit them very often, and they live really far away.” At the end of her sentence I think I see her curly hair flatten a bit…naw, that would be crazy…but we are talking about Pinkie so nothings to farfetched.

“Well maybe I could take you there sometime.” My offer makes her hair poof back up and brings a smile to her face.

“Sure, that sounds great. But you’re still upset about your friends aren’t you?” I nod. “Remember what I told you earlier?” I nod and her expression turns sultry. “You up for it? My room’s just upstairs.” I look to my left and right, Everypony is preoccupied with the party, no one will notice if I’m gone for a few minutes, or a half hour.

“You got any whiskey?”

“I have a whole liquor cabinet full of Applejack Daniels, is that OK?”

“That’ll work, what the hell lets go.”

Twenty five minutes later Pinkie and I sneak back downstairs. I look around, perfect, no one noticed our absence. I’m still a bit tipsy from the booze but I’m not drunk enough for it to be obvious. Twilight sees Pinkie and I and waves us over. We head over to a table were a blindfolded filly is trying to pin a tail on Toby who is moving around and cackling loudly. Rarity looks at me and starts to question me.

“Darling, what happened to your shirt? It was tucked in neatly earlier and now it’s all undone.”

Shit, shit, shit! Quick make something up.

“Uh, I went to the restroom just a minute ago and forgot to tuck it back in.” I start to retuck it but rarity’s magic takes over for me tucking it in much quicker and neater than I ever could have.

“Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it dear, we all get a bit clumsy after a ‘restful break’.”

Her voice gives it all away, she noticed.

She may know but I’ll never prove her right, years of poker and lying to people have taught me how to keep a straight face no matter what, I utilize that face right now and act perfectly normal.

“And what a ‘restful break’ it was I think I may take another one here shortly before we leave, maybe another with Twilight once we get home. Maybe I’ll stop by the Boutique and have a break with you and Toby, I’m sure that would be quite ‘restful’.” Fuck it I’m just gonna make her pay for even saying anything.

To my surprise she has a comeback “Well maybe I'll just leave the door open, goodness knows how I could use some ‘rest’. Maybe you and Toby could ‘rest’ alongside me.” Dammmnn girl, I think you just beat me at my own game. I smile politely and pat her on the back ‘well played, well played’.

I take a seat across from Rarity and Toby, next to Twilight and take the drink I’m offered. After downing half a bottle of whiskey a glass of punch tastes odd. We sit and chat for another half hour until Pinkie herds everyone outside for the big finale as she keeps calling it.

Hay bales are arranged in rows for ponies to sit on (When the hell did they get here?) and after five minutes of arranging and settling down we all had seats. My friends and I all had front row seats to the finale whatever it is.

In front of us is a small platform with a podium and a control box full of switches and buttons. Fear builds up in my gut. ‘No, please not this.’

Pinkie hops up to the stage and walks over to the podium. She stands on her hind legs and rests her forelegs on top of the control box. ‘Oh shit, oh shit.’

“Twilight I need to go now.” I try and tell someone why I have to leave but I get hushed.

“I need to leave, right now!” several ponies hush me now so I sit and say a prayer that Pinkie won’t do what I’m afraid she’s going to do.

“Without further ado, I present the grand finale to our party for Lafe,” she looks at me and winks. “I know how much you like these so...”

At that Pinkie mashes her hooves against the control box. “Goddammit!”

A hundred fireworks go off behind the stage, blasting off into the sky with high pitched whistles and thundering booms.

‘Dammit Pinkie, I liked fireworks when I was younger, now they…’

My train of thought crashes and explodes, killing all aboard as a large rocket bursts just fifty feet off the ground.

‘Cruising down a dirt road at the back of a convoy, going sixty miles an hour, shouts, screams, and explosions. The truck in front of us bursts into flame, the one in front of it is thrown into the air by an I.E.D. and falls on its side. My Humvee is hit by an R.P.G.

Heat.

Fire.

Explosions.

Death.

I jump from my seat and run. I run as fast as my legs can carry me. I run through Ponyville and keep running once all of the buildings in town are behind me. Adrenaline begins to course through my blood and I run faster. Right now I’m going faster than I had been at the end of my race with Dash; I doubt she could even catch me on foot right now.

The explosions behind me have ceased but I keep running down this dirt road. I couldn’t stop if I wanted to.

All thoughts leave my mind except for those about what I’m doing.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Left, right, left, right.

Faster, faster, FASTER!

I run past Sweet Apple acres.

I run past Fluttershy’s cottage.

I run past the trees that form an entrance into the Everfree forest.

I run and I run and I run.

I can’t breathe but I keep running.

I can’t feel my legs but I keep running.

My heart beats madly but I keep running.

I run until my body can’t go a step farther.

I fall.

I never even feel the ground; I’m unconscious before I land.

Hell fire and agonizing screams fill my mind.

How many people beside me died in that ambush?

I died in that ambush.

I died.

I’m dead.

Just before my mind ceases to wonder a question is posed, be myself and to myself.

If I’m dead, am I in heaven or am I in hell.

I don’t know.

Thought stops and darkness consumes me.

I just don’t know.