The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Eighty seven mother bucking trees. I deserve this drink and so does Big Mac.

We’ve made it back to the house and are currently chilling in the kitchen. Granny Smith was kind enough to make us some sweet tea and cookies. Applejack is still out bucking trees and Applebloom is over at Rarity’s for a sleep over with the CMC (Which I recently learned to mean Cutie Mark cuntdestroyers or some shit like that. It’s comprised of Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo, none of which have gotten their cutie marks yet but are trying their hardest.). I laugh when Big Mac explains all of this to me because it reminds me of the club that Matt and Fish and I started when we were twelve. The ‘nookie club of America’ we called it. Good times, good times.

After Granny Smith is once again sound asleep we make our way out to the barn where Mac’s stash is at. Once there he rummages around a pile of hay for a bit before pulling a trap door opening and retrieving a large bottle of clear liquid and two mason jars. I plop down on another hay bale and fish out the remains of the Cuban I started at the party, now is as good a time to enjoy a smoke as any.

Big Mac walks over with the bottle and jars precariously perched on his shoulders and sits down across from me. He sets the glasses down and pours a shots worth in each jar. With a toast and ‘Cheers’ we both drain our glasses.

Damn that shit is strong!

“Hey Big Mac?”

“Eeyuup?”

“How bout we make this a bit more interesting?”

Mac eyes me cautiously for a second and folds.

“Why not, what do you have in mind?”

“Nothing much, just a competition. We go shot for shot until one of us can’t keep up. If I win you have to help me procure some…herbs.”

“OK, but if I win, and I will, I get two of those fancy cigars you got.”

“Deal.” We shake and I pour the next round.

An hour and a half later the sun has gone down and Applejacks walks into the barn to find Big Mac out cold and me signing along to my iPod very loudly while dancing around the barn. I can’t dance or sing worth a shit sober, you can imagine how bad I am drunk.

Applejack has the decency to take the remaining booze from me and give me some water to drink.

“Thansh Applejack, yur the besh.” I slur almost every word in my sentence. Applejack turns to leave but I catch her in a hug and keep talking. “Yor brothersh a great guy, I love em. No homo, I shwear. You know what, yor a great guy to Appleshack. One a theshe daysh yur gonna find the woman that’s right for you and yur gonna live happily ever *hiccup* after.” I trip and faceplant, pulling Applejack down with me. I turn to look at her our faces are only inches apart. “Have you sheen her Appleback? Have you sheen the angel of Ponyville?” Applejack shakes her head. “She’s beautiful, she aint got a halo or wingsh but shes beautiful. I wanna marry her Applesack, I wanna marry that angel. I wanna marry Tw…” just before I profess my drunken love I pass out.

Damn it alcohol, why do you do these things to me. Now I’ll never remember who the angel of Ponyville is.

The next day I wake up in the barn with a heavy wool blanket on me. Mac is already up and ready to go. Though I can drink him under the table he has an unfair advantage; earth ponies don’t get hangovers. What a lucky guy.

Despite my pounding headache we get the carts and leave to buck some trees. Jeff has his work cut out for him, though Mac and I chat all day, I manage to clear sixty trees today. In two days we’ve bucked five days worth of apples. I think we can do this.

That night Mac tells me that he can get my ‘herb’ from Zecora for me. Tears of happiness flow freely when I hear the news.

For the next two weeks Big Mac and I buck trees together every day. I stay at the Apple family farm and sleep on the couch every night. Mac and I never drink anything more than a few hard ciders a night after that. Every day we chat while we work and hang out afterwards. We discuss politics, religion, and philosophy, turns out that Big Mac is actually pretty smart. While Twilight, im sure, will fill the gaps in, Mac gives me the overview of how Equestria works, from the princesses that raise the sun and moon to the Pegasi that control the weather. After two weeks of working side by side we become close friends (No homo.) and talk about everything under the sun. I learn that Mac has a crush on both his friend Caramel (The one who ‘comforted’ him after his break up with Cheerilee) and Fluttershy too. I convince him to ask one of them out and he says he will.

Apple buck season is over now; we cleared the last of the trees yesterday. The Apples’ say that they will need me again come cider season and I eagerly accept their work offer. I would like nothing more than to work side by side with Mac again.

I still miss my friends back home, I always will. But it helps to know that I have some friends here that are just as cool, kind and caring.

The fact that Mac scored me some grade A weed gives him a shitload of extra bro points as well.

I leave Sweet Apple Acres with not only a paycheck and the pride of a job well done. I leave with a new best friend and bro, one who will be there whenever I need him or just want to chill.

I wouldn’t have traded my time working the orchards for the world, because a good friend is much more important than that.