The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

My work at Sweet Apple Acres is done, but Twilight’s is nowhere near over. She still has to calculate just how many apples were harvested and decide how much the Apples should charge this year for cider and apples by the pound. (The apples they were selling earlier were from last year; evidently produce in Equestria can last for decades.) I don’t envy her in the least.

I’m strolling down the path from the farm to Ponyville, not paying any mind to my surroundings, when a blue blur slams into my chest and knocks me to the ground. Memories of belly flops and life altering falls come to mind alongside the pain in my torso. I gasp and wheeze until my lungs start to accept air into them again. A blue hoof, I assume belonging to the blue blur that had trucked me, reaches out to me. I grab a hold of it and stand up.

“Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh! Are you OK?” I see that the blue hoof does in fact belong to the blue blur who turns out to be one Rainbow Dash.

“Yeah, yeah. What the hell were you doing anyway? That hurt.” Her mood swings immediately; from apologetic to boastful.

“I was practicing for the WonderBolts tryout next week. I’m gonna join em.”

“Sure you are, and I’m gonna be an airborne ranger.” Rainbow cocks her head at me and fails to understand my sarcasm in every way.

“Right, good luck with that. Anyway it’s good that I ran into you, I’ve been looking for you all week, I need your help.”

“I’ve been at Sweet Apple Acres for the last two weeks. So what do you need?” I make my way down the dirt path to Ponyville and Dash follows me, hovering eye level beside me as I go.

“Well there’s gonna be a concert in Canterlot tonight that I want to go to.”

“So? Just go then.”

“Well I don’t exactly have enough bits so…”

“I hate to break it to you but I’m in no place to be lending money at the moment, you should ask Twilight or someone.”

Dash shoots me an annoyed look for the interruption but goes on talking. “That’s the problem, I did ask Twilight but she won’t give me the bits unless I take somepony with me.”

“And why is that?”

“The concert is at a club that’s known for having some rowdy patrons. Also Twilight knows how much I like to drink at clubs and wants somepony to be there to keep me out of trouble and get me home safely. She won’t give me any bits unless somepony agrees to go with me and I was hoping that you would be that somepony…er, someone.”

“So you need a designated driver and a body guard and you thought of me. How sweet. So what kind of music will they play at this concert?”

“Does it matter?”

“Yeah, I’m not going if their playing shit music.”

“It’s DJ PON-3; she plays Dubtrot and some Electrotica.” I’m getting sick of these stupid ass puns.

“She any good?”

“Is she any good?! She’s the best! On the list of awesomeness she ranks just blow the WonderBolts and yours truly!”

“Fine, fine, I’m game. When is this concert?”

“Tonight at eleven, so we’ll need to leave in about an hour. That’ll give us enough time to catch the train and grab some chow and hit the club.”

“Cool, you go tell Twilight that you’re dragging my ass along and I’ll gather up my shit. How long will we be gone?”

“All night, the concert goes until three A.M. and the first train tomorrow morning isn’t until nine.”

“Where the hell will we stay from three to nine?” I’m not one to nitpick but I’m also not one to sit in an ally for six hours jacking off while I wait for a ride home. I prefer to do that in the comfort of my own room, not that I have my own room at the moment.

“I’m friends with the DJ, I’m sure she’ll let us crash at her place.”

“Fine, but if I end up waiting at a train station for six hours Imma be pissed. Understand?”

“Yeah, yeah quite your bitchin’ everything’ll be all right.” I’m starting to like this Pegasus, she reminds me of me, just swap the gender, color, race, species… actually just swap everything and leave the attitude.

“Sweet.” Twilight’s library is just ahead of us now. “Well we’re here so go tell Twi what you need to tell her, also you’d better borrow some extra bits, I expect you to buy the beers.”

“Whatever.” Dash goes to talk to Twi and I go change, most clubs prefer that their patrons don’t smell like sweat and apples.

Twenty minutes later I walk downstairs into the library wearing my new jeans and a white t shirt (This outfit brought to you by Rarity’s Carousel Boutique. Go buy her shit.). Twilight’s home for the night and arguing how much Dash needs for booze.

“Fifty bits, and that’s final!” Damn, I didn’t know that Twilight could sound so bitchy.

“A hundred bits! Do you know how much the club marks up their drinks?”

I walk in between the two and sit down. “Ladies, ladies, calm down now. How about seventy five bits, we buy the booze cheap at a nearby liquor store and I smuggle it in under my coat.”

Both mares turn to look at me and speak simultaneously.

“You don’t have a coat.”

Right! Which is why we are stopping by Rarity’s before we go. Sound like a plan?”

Twilight and Dash both nod and I get up to leave. Dash dashes out a window (Hah, se what I did there?) with a bag of bits in her mouth. She tells me to meet her at the train station but it’s kind of hard to hear due to her increasing distance from me and the cloth in her mouth. I ask Twilight what was said and then the way to the train station. I walk out of the library but I’m stopped at the door by a pair of hooves around my waist.

“Have fun tonight, be careful and keep Rainbow out of trouble for me please.” I kneel down and return the hug. It feels a little weird, I’ve never had someone hug me just because before. It feels nice. I find that Twilight is surprisingly soft and her fur smell slightly of lavender. For a moment I want to ditch Dash and stay here, just like this for the rest of the night. But the thought of alcohol and loud music draws me away from the embrace.

“I will, I promise. You guys are my friends, I never let any harm come to my friends.” I stand up again only to duck my way out of the library and into a light rain. I wave goodbye to Twilight and walk off towards Rarity’s. It looks like that coat will come in use doubly tonight.

By the time I reach the boutique its no longer drizzling. It’s fucking pouring. I open the door and shake off as much water as I can but my clothes are still sopping wet. Rarity comes to my rescue, probably more because I am getting her floor wet than that I needed it, and used her magic to dry me off. I thanked her and asked her if she could put a permanent spell like that on my jacket, effectively water proofing it, and she said she could.

Ten minutes later I leave Rarity and Toby, who was waiting upstairs (You’ll never guess what for.), and head back out into the rain.

I arrive at the train station with just minutes to spare. Rainbow waves to me from inside the train and shouts that my ticket is already paid for. I jog the rest of the way and hop on right as the conductor makes his last call. I sit down, dry and warm thanks to Rarity’s spell, next to Dash on a wide cushioned bench. Whistles blow and the train departs.

So long Ponyville, hello Canterlot.