The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

We get into the club without much hassle, Jeff sits this one out completely and Mary Jane works her magic. Dash gets carded but when they look at me, no questions asked.

We make our way into the crowded club as the band is closing up shop. I can smell some harsh smoke wafting over from a corner and decide to fight fire with fire. I light up a blunt and find a couch to flop on. Dash is out on the dance floor chatting it up with some blue Pegasi stallion with a winged lightning bolt for a mark. I can’t make out much of what’s being said over the noise but I do hear a little bit.

“Do you like… eating… pie?” I have no clue who said what or the context but I smile as Dash and he walk off to another part of the club together. Looks like someone’s getting some nookie tonight, unfortunately it’s not me.

I lay back and listen to the pop shit that’s blasting out of the speakers until the real DJ gets here. Looking over to the stage I see a white mare with spiky blue hair and some kind of musical note for a Mark setting up her turntables. So this is the famous DJ PON-3, where I’m from most DJs try to look outrageous, this one only has her slightly masculine haircut and a pair of shades to her name. I like that, it means that she doesn’t depend on looks or style for her fame, that her music is all it takes to get a party going.

I detach myself from the rather uncomfortable couch and look around for the bar, where I plan to stay for the rest of the night. Tidbits of recent dreams keep reemerging and I’d rather not think of them, and there’s nothing better than alcohol to help you forget all your troubles.

I find the bar and Dash along with it. I take the seat next to her and speak loudly so she can hear me.

“Well that was one hell of a quickie!”

“What?”

“You and that blue guy, hey barkeep, two beers please!” the DJ starts her set as our bottles are handed to us. I take a swig and let the electronic flood of music settle over me. It’s fast, heavy, and hard but at the same time slow, soft, and smooth. I take another hit from the joint and toke it out away from the bar. Damn Big Mac, this shit is the shit! Dash nudges my side and starts talking again. I politely nod my head to both her and the music. Well, at least I think I’m nodding my head, which may just be the grass doing it.

“Wait, do you think that he and I…?”

I nod my head, specifically to her this time.

“Oh, no, no, no! I mean I’d love to but no. He’s taken.” If I were hitting on someone who was ‘taken' I would just try all the harder as a kinky three-way could easily be the reward of my efforts. That may be just me though, I don’t like to brag but I am a pretty smooth talker.

“Who by?”

“That was Soarin, he’s a WonderBolt. He and the team captain, Spitfire, totally have a thing goin’ on.”

“You shoulda gone for it, you coulda ended up bedding both of em!” I’ll say it here and now; I’m stoned.

“What? I don’t swing that way!”

Whoa, déjà vu. I remember having a conversation start like this with a certain red Clydesdale of a pony. Weird.

The weed fogs my brain a bit and that thought is gone just as soon as it came. But another thought lingers. Just by the tone of her voice I can tell that Dash is lying.

“Sure, sure, whatever you say.” I receive a friendly punch to the shoulder.

“Really, I like guys, big, muscular, masculine guys.”

“I bet you do, in fact, by the looks of him and because of the fruity drink he has, I would bet that he likes big, muscular, masculine guys as well.” This time I get a not-so-friendly punch to the gut.

“Hey now, I just call em as I see em. Besides I figured you liked him because he looks so damn feminine.” Dash raises her hoof threateningly. My stomach already hurts and I need it to help me drink so I put my hands up.

“Hey, chill out now. I’m not one to judge, I don’t even care really. But you gotta admit that he does look pretty girly.”

Dash and I both look over at Soarin, who is swinging his hips to the beat of the music and sipping a brightly colored slightly alcoholic concoction through a party straw. Dash can barely contain her laughter.

“Yeah, I guess he is a bit of a Nancy.”

“And you’re more than a little butch so you’d be a great couple. He would wear the apron and you the pants!” Dash gives up trying to hold it back and just laughs. It’s nice to hear her laugh and see her smile about something other than her own awesomeness.

“Also I’m pretty sure that he and Spitfire are in an open relationship.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Look for yourself.” I point back at Soarin who has abandoned his drink in order to snog with some random guy.

“Damn.” I’m not sure who said it for a second but then I realize we both did.

“Well that bucks my plans in the ass.”

“Sorry Dash. Better luck next time. Speaking of assbucking, I wonder where they’re going.” I point again to Soarin who is now leading his new partner to the back of the club.

Dash spews her beer and her wings unfurl. I hear a dozen or so cat calls from the ponies around us and assume that Dash just popped a lady boner or something like that. The red on her cheeks as she tucks her wings away confirms it.

“Jealous?”

“No! Maybe a little.”

I laugh loudly, damn I’m high. When we get home I want to bake some cupcakes! No, wait muffins, definitely muffins.

“Don’t worry about that tonight Dash, we’re here to chill and listen to some bitchin' music. By the way, thanks for bringing me along, I’m actually having a good time.”

“No problem.”

Dash and I sit there and chat for the next two hours. We drink at least a dozen beers, wait, no that was me. Dash just had three. And smoked a full Jay, again that was just me. By the time three A.M. rolls around we are both inebriated as fuck. Fuck, it turns out, is one drunken sum bitch.

We sit and drink until the Barkeep threatens to kick us out. I get up to leave but Dash grabs my arm.

“Hey, let’s go see Vinyl.”

“OK"

I have no clue what I just agreed to but I let Dash drag me through a dissipating crowd of drunken clubbers and backstage. I’m more than a little baked so I have no Idea what’s going on. Dash pulls me to a door and then knocks on it loudly several times. I think she knocks to the tune of Shave and a haircut but that may just be the pot making my think random shit. I just now notice how fucking huge my hands are. Wow.

I’m pulled out of the hallway and into a dressing room by Dash. I guess I’ll admire my hands later. Inside the room are the DJ and another mare, this one light brown with a different musical symbol for a Mark. She also has a cute little bow tie.

“Bow ties are cool.” I mutter without thinking. The mare, who is blushing as if we had just interrupted some kinky after party sexy times, thanks me for the sentiment.

“Dash hugs the DJ and they start talking about random shit. I find a comfortable spot on the floor and sit down to relax and enjoy my high. Dash introduces me to DJ PON-3, also known as Vinyl Scratch, who in turn introduces me to her marefriend Octavia Philharmonia who is a cellist for the first Equestrian orchestra. I fist/hoof bump with Vinyl and shake Octavia’s hoof. I lean against the wall and mutter something about colors and the time/space continuum.

“Uh, is he all right?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, just trippin’ a bit.”

“Oh Celestia, you didn’t take any pills from anyone did you?” I’m not sure who I’m talking to, I know she’s a pony and that’s about it.

“No, no, I don’t do pills. Except for Vicodin of course, but I don’t have any of that at the moment. I wonder if I can get any of that here.” My plot for world domination… I mean how to score some pills is interrupted by the brown pony with a bow tie. Uh…Octavia what’s her face.

“What did you take?”

“Nothing, nothing, just some weed I got from a Zebra. It’s so good man.”

“Weed?” All three mares say the word at once, two of them, the white DJ and the blue dyke, seem excited, the brown one sounds like a scolding mother.

“I hope you got plenty…” Dash starts.

“…because we want some!” Vinyl finishes.

“Wut?” Octavia and I both look at the other two mares. I did not expect that.

Octavia scoffs while I roll another joint, I guess she’s not into such things but fuck it, if she doesn’t want to hang around and smoke she can leave, no one’s making her stay.

I light the jay and take a big puff; I hold my breath as I pass it to Dash. I have no fucking clue how she just grabbed it with hooves though. Dash takes a hit and passes it to Vinyl, who must be a stoner. I can tell because she takes a hit that would leave others passed out cold from lack of oxygen. Damn that girl has a set of lungs. I toke out just as Dash does, Vinyl holds it. And holds it. And holds it. Holy reefer madness Batman, I can’t believe it. I’m on my second hit when Vinyl finally tokes out.

“Damn! How the fuck did you manage that?”

“Thanks, I got a lot of practice back in college.” Vinyl offers it to Octavia who takes it and tries to smoke it like a cigarette.

“No that’s not how you do it at all babe. Lemme show ya.” Vinyl scoots over next to Octavia and goes about showing her how to smoke correctly. I lie back against the wall and pull my iPod out. KiD CuDi for the win.

Vinyl looks up at me and then to my hand.

“What is that?”

“Huh? Oh this? It’s an iPod; you can put music on it and listen anywhere. Cool huh?”

“Hell yeah! Where can I get one?”

“Back on earth, sorry. Hey, tell you what, I'll see if twilight can duplicate this one. Like the music?”

“Yeah, it’s cool. Goes pretty well with some pot. Toke Octavia, toke dammit!” Octavia coughs violently and begins giggling uncontrollable. She smiles and leans into Vinyl for a kiss. I smile as well and close my eyes, letting the mood and the music sweep over me.

Lizzie’s smile comes to my mind. She was the reason I started smoking, one day I came home and found her with a bong and a bag of chips, the rest is history. Oh God, what I’d give to smoke one more bowl with her, to just see her once more…

A hoof smacks the side of my head and I look around me. Vinyl and Octavia are a bit tongue tied and Dash is next to me, her normally blue face now very bright red.

“Sup?”

“They are… I mean look at em… are the a couple or is this some really jank weed?” I laugh, which breaks up the make out session to our left, and look at Vinyl.

“Hey Vinyl.”

“Yea?”

“You two a thing?”

“Yea boy!” I reach out and fist bump with the DJ

“Nice.” I lean back but Dash smacks me again. “What the hell Dash?”

“Dude! Its two fifty!”

“Soooh shit! The train!” I hop up, knocking Dash to the ground as I do, and grab all my shit. “Have a nice night girls,” I wink at Vinyl. “We gotta run. Peace.” I leave the dressing room with a slightly wobbly Pegasi at my side. We cheese it down to the train station and make it just in time to hop on.

Halfway home my high is dying down, so is Dash’s. We sit and chat about random stupid shit, you know, the shit you discuss when high but never remember, that shit, for a while but something is nagging at me.

“Dash, why did you freak out when Octy and Vinyl went at it?”

“Uhh.”

“Come on, you can tell me, I won’t judge.” Dash takes a deep breath and looks around the train car.

“It’s just that…” I wave my hand, waiting for her to continue. “I’m… I’M GAY OK!?!”

“OK, just wondering.” I fold my arms behind my head and listen to the clicks as the train moves closer and closer to Ponyville, to home.

“Wait, ‘OK’, that’s it? No fillyfooler bashing or hate?”

“Why the hell would I do that? You’re my friend, I’d like you whether you fuck guys, girls, or tentacle monsters,”

“What the fuck man?”

“… My point is that shit like that doesn’t matter, it’s who you are, not who you do, that matters. Besides, it would be hypocritical to asinine levels if I were to say anything mean to you about being a dyke when I’m bi myself. That’s not my whole reason for being cool about all of this though mind you.”

“Oh, cool. So you're OK with me liking girls?”

“Yep, but I do have one question.”

“Shoot.”

“Soarin?”

“He’s one of the very few guys I’ve ever had the hots for, and you were right, it is kinda because he’s so feminine. Is that bad, that I just like certain guys?”

“Nope, just means you’re kinda slutty.” I say it playfully, with a huge smile on my face as I do.

“Hey!” I receive another punch from my butch friend and fake pain.

We laugh and chat the rest of the way home.

We arrive back to Ponyville at eleven in the morning or so and my head is killing me. I enlist Twilight to perform a cloudwalking spell on me and then Dash and I crash at her place, which by the way is a FUCKING HOUSE MADE OF CLOUDS AND RAINBOWS AND SHIT, to sleep our hangovers off. Twi teleports me into a bedroom in Dash’s house. Dash is already lying down on a bed and I join her. Within moments we are both sleeping like baby logs in July.

No dreams tonight, er, today, just weed induced phantoms from my past; ex girlfriends, ex boyfriends, ex wait, how the fuck did you get in my dreams Pinkie?

“LoL, I dunno. Wanna play pin the tail on the pony with me?”

“Uh, sure. Why not.” Pinkie turns around and bends over, she looks over her shoulder and says, in an insanely sexy voice;

“Come on big boy, pin me.”

What the fuck was in that weed?

I need to get some more of that shit.